The Only Life I Could Save

by Katherine Ketcham

Katherine Ketcham devoted three decades to writing and teaching about addiction--but none of that prepared her for what she would face in her relationship with her own son. From the coauthor of the bestselling classics Under the In?uence (with James R Milam; Bantam, 1984) and The Spirituality of Imperfection (with Ernest Kurtz; Bantam, 1993), The Only Life I Could Save brings readers a memoir of heartbreak, healing, and the continual journey of recovery from addiction.
"This book is about the big know-it-all who realizes she doesn't know a damn thing," begins Ketcham. The Only Life I Could Save o?ers readers her hard-earned expertise on the impact of addiction on families, the relationship between spirituality and recovery, and "the most important lessons of faith, hope, acceptance, and forgiveness.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Addiction

240 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2018

About the author

I've been writing non-fiction books for nearly 40 years. My first book, UNDER THE INFLUENCE: A GUIDE TO THE MYTHS AND REALITIES OF ALCOHOLISM (co-authored by James Milam, Ph.D.) was published in 1981; my new book, THE ONLY LIFE I COULD SAVE, will be published by Sounds True on April 1, 2018. My books, seventeen in all, have been published in sixteen foreign languages and have sold over 1.5 million copies.

In 2000 I began volunteering at the Juvenile Justice Center in Walla Walla, leading educational groups and working individually with adolescents in trouble with alcohol and other drugs. I've worked there ever since, as both a paid employee and volunteer, meeting with young people in detention and on probation, consulting with staff and administrators, and educating family members.

From October 2001 to October 2003 and October 2012-October 2013, I wrote a bi-monthly newspaper column for the Walla Walla Union Bulletin titled "Straight Talk About Drugs.”

In 2003, working with a group of committed parents, I started a parent support group at the Juvenile Justice Center in Walla Walla, which continues to this day. I am the founder and Executive Director of Trilogy Recovery Community, a grassroots, nonprofit organization in Walla Walla dedicated to developing and expanding community-based recovery support services for chemically dependent youth and their family members.

I grew up in New Jersey and graduated from the University of Rochester in Rochester, New York with a degree in psychology in 1971. I have lived and worked in Boston, New York, Vermont, New Hampshire, San Francisco, Seattle, and Ohio. In 1984, I moved to Walla Walla, Washington with my husband, Patrick Spencer, a geology professor at Whitman College. We have three children -- Robyn, 35, a speech pathologist living in Portland, Oregon; Alison, 33, a special education teacher living in Seattle, Washington; and Benjamin, 31, writer/researcher who is currently finishing up his first novel.

Reviews

[Kelly Furniss]

As an author and lecturer on addiction Katherine Ketcham was astounded to find herself having to travel the heart wrenching journey herself with her Son Ben as he battled with alcohol and drugs and this book is the memoir of that and her work she carried out leading up to the revelation.
It's very insightful and shocking as she talks about her support groups and we hear young adults introduce themselves and tell their stories about how they got to where they are.
I got a bit bogged down at the beginning as we shifted from person to person very quickly and I lost interest a bit. I also think to have wrote part of the book from Bens perspective would of been good and helped us understand what goes on inside an addicts mind as that was what I was hoping for.
The author puts forward her thoughts backed up by research and as the reader you can be persuaded or not. I read the book in two chunks and although I didn't get what I wanted from it I was glad I did read it.
To lay bare your soul and open up to the outside World about such issues within your personal family that are normally kept shushed behind closed doors is no mean feat even if she is an author on the subject, its so sad that her own Son became a case study and Katherine must of felt astounded at that fact herself. I am very glad the outcome was positive for her family and if this book helps someone then that it would certainly be worth all those years research.
My thanks go to the author, publisher and Netgalley in providing an arc in return for a honest review.

[Heather]

A very honest and beautifully told story! This will help families struggling with addiction know that they can heal and thrive !

[Alexis]

The Only Life I Could Save sheds an important light on addiction and how it impacts the family life. Katherine Ketcham has spent three decades writing about addiction and working with juveniles that have been using drugs and alcohol. Her son, Ben, then spirals down into the addiction hole. While I know that this memoir is primarily Katherine’s outlook on what happened and how life has come to be what it is now, I would’ve liked to see more of Ben’s perspective. After all, he is part of the lives that are being altered by drugs. We see how Katherine, her husband and her daughters feel throughout the process of recovery, but I felt that we do not see as much as an in-depth view of how Ben is looking at his addiction. I would’ve liked to see more of how Ben saw the light and the steps out of addiction and how he saved his own life.

Since Ketcham is a researcher on addiction it was interesting to see how the details of her research impacted how she handled her own child. I appreciated the points of the memoir where she self-reflected and realized some of the mis-steps she had taken with her own son.

I received an Advance Reader Copy of this book from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

[Kathy McConnell]

The book itself is beautifully and honestly written. My first intention was to read a couple of chapters, but instead I read the whole book in one sitting. The author aptly portrays the complicated nature of addiction and how even the sensible, wise, and loving actions of parents sometimes might not be sufficient catalysts to stop the behavior of drug or alcohol addiction. Kathy kept me reading because I would have made the same effort as she did, and I wanted to know what finally made the difference for her son Ben. Throughout the book, there were many layers – research, observations and emotional scenes. Although Ben eventually gathered the courage to find his own balance, the book makes it clear that his parents contributed to his success by helping him find a mentor, giving him a supportive place to continue his college studies, and by continuing to give him loving encouragement. Great book, good read.

[Kerry Batting]

This is a must read for anyone who has a loved one struggling with addiction or anyone who wants to understand more. It is honest, raw and filled with hope. Hard to put his one down once you start!!!!

[Rich]

I loved this book. It's authenticity and rawness shines right through and it was also hard for me to put down. Totally recommend...

[D'Anne Burwell]

Bravely allowing us a window into her heartache and struggles, Katherine Ketcham has written a beautiful account of her journey through her son’s addiction. With extensive professional knowledge of addiction detailed in her previous books, this newest book, The Only Life I Could Save, is Ketcham’s real-life turmoil of parenting her own child with substance use disorder. She vividly captures intimate details—the confusion in changing family dynamics, the tension in her marriage, the frustration of a failed doctor visit, differences in treatment and counselors, the value of setting aside expectations—all while showing us the road to recovery is anything but linear. Ketcham delivers powerful insight even as she wrestles with self-doubt. As she finds a way forward she writes “… we are all struggling… This painful place… is being transformed by our willingness to tell our stories and… to listen to other people’s stories, and in the mirror of their pain and despair, discover ourselves.” It is essential for stories like this one to be told.
~D’Anne Burwell, author of Saving Jake: When Addiction Hits Home

[Blagica]

The Only Life I Could Save by Katherine Ketcham and published by Sounds True was one of those reads that will stay with me for a very long time. Katherine Ketcham I applaud you for being able to tell your story in such a way that makes me as a reader understand everything you went through and see your courage on every page. I had no prior knowledge that the author did anything with substance abuse before reading this book but the fact that she knew so much about the topic made it easier to comprehend. You will learn about yourself, you will learn about the struggles that most families who have a family member going through something. I commend the author for sharing her struggles and hope that someone can learn something and fight there way to sobriety. Thank you to Netgalley and all involved for my arc.

[Ellie Pretsch]

This should definitely be a book recommended to recovering addicts and friends/family etc. of those struggling with addition. Ketcham shows that no amount of professional knowledge can prepare you for dealing with loosing your loved one to the spiral of addiction. She speaks so candidly about what she feels she should have done differently, at the same time as trying to realize she is a human that cannot always control reacting to the chasm in her heart. Definitely would recommend to any other Al-anon or Nar-Anoners and anyone else that needs to remember that you can only save yourself one step at a time.

[Susan Broderick]

Katherine Ketcham has written extensively over the years on addiction and recovery, and once again she has knocked it out of the park! I loved this book and it is now covered with highlighter and notes from cover to cover. So much of what she wrote struck my soul and I am already sharing her insights with so many of my family and friends.

I am so grateful for the honesty, the courage, and the wisdom contained in these pages. They will no doubt provide enormous comfort and hope to the millions who have been touched by this epidemic.

[Julie Mcmurchie]

I read this book in a day. It is a very personal account of a family's struggle of a son's addiction during high school and college. Kathy Ketcham was an expert on addiction before her son's struggles began, and she is brutally honest about how much that expertise did not help her son from becoming addicted, nor did it help her recognize it until he was deep in. Kathy and Ben are so courageous to share this story, and to also share Kathy and her husband's journey to the point where they understood that their's were the only lives they could save.

[Monical]

A personal story by a mother about her son's addiction. Although the author has published numerous books on alcoholism and addiction, she had a very hard time dealing with addiction when it struck her own family. The story unravels when her son, after many failed attempts, successfully becomes sober without providing any insight or evaluation of how success was achieved. Maybe that is really the way it works-- though that thought doesn't bode well for the many who are now caught up in opoid addiction.

[Sharon]

Katherine Ketcham exposes her personal journey in a raw and beautiful way. An expert on addiction, she reveals how she missed what was happening under her very own roof. With humility and profound courage, she shares what she felt she "should have known" but didn't see, revealing the extreme complexity and power of addiction, both for the addict and those who love and care for them. This book has the potential to increase hope and decrease isolation and shame for so many as they come to better understand this "cunning, baffling and powerful disease."

[Toni Pantuosco]

Couldn’t finish, she’s exhausting and out of touch. Her son who was bullied then finds a fantastic friend who dies tragically when he’s 12-13yr old. Of course he’s going to struggle emotionally at the start of high school. She claims her now adult son allowed her to write about him but it’s his story to tell, not hers. Every teen at the clinics she volunteers at tell her that they respond best to adults just listening to them versus panicking and scolding, which is exactly what she does with her son.

[Debby Carr]

I received this book in a Goodreads giveaway.Katherine Ketcham has written several books on addiction and worked with juveniles who were addicted to drugs and/or alcohol. You would never think she would be faced with her own son's addiction and her own ideas and beliefs were shaken to their foundation. An honest account of one family dealing with the addiction and how it affected them .

[fireside reads]

This is quite possibly the most honest & raw story of addiction i have read. I connected with this book on such a personal level with family struggles. The emotions i felt reading this were so strong.

[Jackie Rogers]

This was a hard book to read. Is about a family with a son addicted to drugs and alcohol. Is sad at times and also true. Shows how addiction affects a family as well as the one addicted. Also has some facts as the author wrote or co-wrote books o this subject. Thanks to Goodreads.

[Kelly Lang]

A heartfelt story of a mom trying to Dave her son from addiction. The story is told through the mom's perspective of realizing her son had a drinking and drug problem I high school and the attempts at getting him sober. Heart wrenching but told with clarity and love.

[Lindsay Bomstein]

I read this when it first came out before I was on Goodreads. Having been reminded of it recently, I wanted to add it to my shelf. I loved it. Loved the honesty, vulnerability and story telling. It is a super insightful and helpful read.

[Michelle]

This mother's battle with her son's addiction spoke very deeply to me. It is very similar to the way eating disorders work.

[Monica]

Kind of lengthy but great read.

[Pam Mooney]

A beautifully written book that allows the reader to share the author's personal struggles with her son's addiction. Many have said if you are dealing with addiction this book is perfect for you. I think that it is a perfect book for everyone to read. We are all feeling the pain and costs of addiction the more we know the better we can help. A good read.

[Michelle]

Author Kathy Ketcham has written about drugs and addiction in books and papers for most of her adult life. In the intro to her first newspaper column she says "Drugs. Addiction. Drunk Drivers. Courts. Prison. Gangs. Suicide. Violent Crime. Is this what you want to read about in your newspaper...? I hope to convince you that these are the subjects we should be discussing as our families gather around the kitchen table. For these are the subjects that affect every individual in this community... your life is both directly and indirectly affected by what is euphemistically called "the drug problem." Our children are exposed to alcohol and other drugs on a daily basis-at school, on the streets, in the parks and recreation areas, and in their own homes. More than half our nation's middle and high school students drink alcohol. Fifty-four percent of 12th-graders have tried an illegal drug... 25% have used in the last 30 days... Drugs and the problems they cause - for you, for me, for our community, and our nation - are not the stuff of normal dinner conversation. I believe that's a big part of the problem. I hope this column will be part of the solution." And for all those reasons, this book makes these topics part of normal dinner conversations, by sharing one mother's story and experience on these subjects - and unfortunately, the author's story could be so many other's story.

Katherine Ketcham knows a lot about the topic of youth addiction - and from her experiences counseling youth in juvenile institutions, she knows that teenage addiction happens, but she also knows, as advised by a 17-year-addict, "Don't look at kids and say they're bad. Everyone is a good person. They're just lost. They've taken a detour." Luckily she had this strong knowledge base already, because this book is her own story of being a mother to an addict, and as she and other mothers of addicts have learned, despite all her knowledge of the topic, the only life she could save was her own.

Question #16 in the book club reader's guide says "Were there particular passages that struck a chord with you? Did you find yourself relating to the thoughts or emotions expressed?" LOL I think I placed 25 aha-moment tags, at least [image error]

So much of what Katherine Ketcham comments on are exactly my thoughts and experiences - pg 38 when reading obituaries "If only addiction wasn't so stigmatized",
pg 39 "I wonder what I believe in",
pg 40 "I believe there is a force for good in the world," I say, "But I'm not sure if there's a white bearded person up in the heavens."
pg 104 "I want to lie down and sleep. I want to wake up somewhere else, on an island or lake or a mountaintop - somewhere, anywhere that is quiet, peaceful, removed from real life. Part of me wants to go to sleep and never wake up."
Pg 141 "Ben D. may be my most favorite person in the world right now. I don't know what he looks like, I don't know anything about him, all I know is that I trust him and feel safe with him..." When being advised by a friend to 'stay in the pain" she wants to punch her in the nose and say "My experience is not your experience. My suffering is different than yours..."
pg 173 "Gray Wolf is expensive; insurance doesn't cover the cost... maybe we're foolish. Maybe we should let him go out in the world, knowing what he knows now about himself and his disease, and either find his way or stumble and fall... The money doesn't matter... What matters is that we do everything we can to help Ben find his way. He's lost now, but somewhere in there is the Ben who wants to be found. I know that. I have to believe that."
Pg 198 "we tell our stories, and they are among the saddest stories in the world... and yet, in and through the tears, there is healing. Just being with people who have walked the same tortuous pathway, who have stumbled, regained their balance, stumbled again and again, and kept on going gives us strength and courage. In those circles, we do not feel judged and condemned. We do not feel so alone."

So many of Ben's comments and actions about his addiction are as if other teens I know shared the same script pg 140 "Everybody here is immature... These other guys aren't like me; they're all sticking needles in their arms." "You put me here. This is your fucking fault."
Pg 143 ..."he still dowsn't think he can have fun without alcohol and other drugs."
Pg 145 "Ben is a nice young man; he just doesn't want to confront these personal demons. His anger is escalating rather than de-escalating"

I have already shared this book with about 20 friends who I know will resonate with the author's story - and ultimately, with her lessons to look for gratitude, lean toward the light and good, to be of service, not to judge -and to join with others in telling our stories and listening to our stories. Thank you Kathy for telling your story.

[Janice]

This book is a tremendously moving and informative portrait of a family impacted by drug addiction. As a person who shares the same kind of family history, I can attest to the unflinching accuracy presented here. A truly worthwhile read. Highly recommended.
My thanks to NetGalley for providing me with an eARC in exchange for my honest review.

[Joann]

A brutally honest story of how addiction affects every one around the addict. Thanks for sharing.