Book: Talking About Death Won't Kill You: The Essential Guide to End-of-Life Conversations
Author: Kathy Kortes-Miller
Why I read it: I guess the easy answer is because I received an ARC through the ECW Shelf Monkey program, but I also chose it (and some others) from a selection of books and I suppose the reason I chose it is because I'm trying to build greater death literacy.
What I thought: There were bits and pieces that really stood out to me - I skipped a few chapters to read ahead, out of interest, which is not something I typically do. At some points, I thought, this would probably be really great for people in the midst of it all, but we all kind of are anyway, so it's likely a good idea to read it now. It's definitely comforting and pragmatic and when I began to think of it as a guidebook, it felt more comfortable. It's a bit more, preparing for expected deaths rather than managing the shock of unexpected deaths, but that doesn't necessarily make it unhelpful. I love that it's Canadian-based. Here's what it addresses:
advance care plans for ourselves and our loved ones
how to have conversations about end-of-life wishes with loved ones
how to talk to children about death
how to build a compassionate workplace
practical strategies to support our colleagues
how to talk to health-care practitioners
how to manage challenging family dynamics as someone is dying
what is involved in medical assistance in dying (MAID)
There is a 2001 book by the same name, seemingly the same topic, different author. Huh.
Quote that stood out:
"No wonder we struggle with understanding death. Somehow, we've forgotten that we must face the end of our own lives and those of our loved one. Let's face it: all of us will be intimate with death at least once. yet we live in a death-denying and death-defying society. We try to pretend death doesn't exist. If someone we love dies, we are granted (or we grant ourselves) only a brief period to grieve, to mourn, and then the expectations of life kick us right back into overdrive. We are expected to get on with things, get over the person we lost - in no small part to make things easier for those around us. I returned to working with people who were dying three days after my aunt, with whom I was very close, died.
This approach does not serve us well. It creates a vicious cycle: we neglect our death education (it's easy to do when no one ever brings up the topic or offers us a course), so we lack the emotional and practical skills when it comes to facing death. Because we tend to fear what we don't know, we become increasingly scared of talking openly about the end of life. Complicating this is the fact that most of us already fear the process of dying: we're scared about pain, loss of control, losing people we love, being ripped from our own lives, uncertainty. That fear can lead to anger as we pretend that dying and death aren't integral parts of life and living. We feel isolated as we grapple alone, trying to make sense of our emotions around death. Many of us feel ashamed: of our fears, of our lack of knowledge - even of our desire to learn more about the end of life. All these negative emotions can lead to denial; we'd rather not experience them, so we work even harder to avoid learning about death. And then, when we're faced with death - with the cancer diagnosis or the progressive disease or the car accident or the eventual decline of old age - we are too overcome with grief, disbelief and denial to think about and plan for it coherently.
We need to break this cycle.
When we do break it, we become open to learning and talking about dying and death as a part of life. In so doing, we can change the conversation from something negative to one of understanding, compassion and acceptance. Our newly developed and healthy respect for dying and death will strengthen us on both personal and societal levels. We will be able to take better care of our dying and approach our own deaths with less fear and more comfort. When we demystify death and encourage critical thinking, research and debate about it, we will better learn how to support one another in this unavoidable part of life. And we need to begin this work before we, or our loved ones, get sick and before we become overcome by grief, fear and denial. We have to start today to develop our knowledge and understanding and to shift our thinking."