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Talking About Death Won't Kill You: The Essential Guide to End-of-Life Conversations

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This practical handbook will equip readers with the tools to have meaningful conversations about death and dying

Death is a part of life. We used to understand this, and in the past, loved ones generally died at home with family around them. But in just a few generations, death has become a medical event, and we have lost the ability to make this last part of life more personal and meaningful. Today people want to regain control over health-care decisions for themselves and their loved ones.

Talking About Death Won’t Kill You is the essential handbook to help Canadians navigate personal and medical decisions for the best quality of life for the end of our lives. Noted palliative-care educator and researcher Kathy Kortes-Miller shows readers how to identify and reframe limiting beliefs about dying with humor and compassion.

With robust resource lists, Kortes-Miller addresses
• advance care plans for ourselves and our loved ones
• how to have conversations about end-of-life wishes with loved ones
• how to talk to children about death
• how to build a compassionate workplace
• practical strategies to support our colleagues
• how to talk to health-care practitioners
• how to manage challenging family dynamics as someone is dying
• what is involved in medical assistance in dying (MAID)

Far from morbid, these conversations are full of meaning and life — and the relief that comes from knowing what your loved ones want, and what you want for yourself.

208 pages, Paperback

First published March 6, 2018

22 people are currently reading
754 people want to read

About the author

Kathy Kortes-Miller

2 books12 followers
Dr. Kathy Kortes-Miller is an associate professor at the School of Social Work and the Director of the Centre for Education and Research on Aging and Health (CERAH) at Lakehead University. She is an unconventional death educator with a passion for palliative care and improving end-of-life care for all. She lives in Thunder Bay, Ontario.

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Displaying 1 - 24 of 24 reviews
Profile Image for Sue.
44 reviews
January 3, 2019
Book: Talking About Death Won't Kill You: The Essential Guide to End-of-Life Conversations
Author: Kathy Kortes-Miller

Why I read it: I guess the easy answer is because I received an ARC through the ECW Shelf Monkey program, but I also chose it (and some others) from a selection of books and I suppose the reason I chose it is because I'm trying to build greater death literacy.

What I thought: There were bits and pieces that really stood out to me - I skipped a few chapters to read ahead, out of interest, which is not something I typically do. At some points, I thought, this would probably be really great for people in the midst of it all, but we all kind of are anyway, so it's likely a good idea to read it now. It's definitely comforting and pragmatic and when I began to think of it as a guidebook, it felt more comfortable. It's a bit more, preparing for expected deaths rather than managing the shock of unexpected deaths, but that doesn't necessarily make it unhelpful. I love that it's Canadian-based. Here's what it addresses:

advance care plans for ourselves and our loved ones
how to have conversations about end-of-life wishes with loved ones
how to talk to children about death
how to build a compassionate workplace
practical strategies to support our colleagues
how to talk to health-care practitioners
how to manage challenging family dynamics as someone is dying
what is involved in medical assistance in dying (MAID)

There is a 2001 book by the same name, seemingly the same topic, different author. Huh.

Quote that stood out:
"No wonder we struggle with understanding death. Somehow, we've forgotten that we must face the end of our own lives and those of our loved one. Let's face it: all of us will be intimate with death at least once. yet we live in a death-denying and death-defying society. We try to pretend death doesn't exist. If someone we love dies, we are granted (or we grant ourselves) only a brief period to grieve, to mourn, and then the expectations of life kick us right back into overdrive. We are expected to get on with things, get over the person we lost - in no small part to make things easier for those around us. I returned to working with people who were dying three days after my aunt, with whom I was very close, died.
This approach does not serve us well. It creates a vicious cycle: we neglect our death education (it's easy to do when no one ever brings up the topic or offers us a course), so we lack the emotional and practical skills when it comes to facing death. Because we tend to fear what we don't know, we become increasingly scared of talking openly about the end of life. Complicating this is the fact that most of us already fear the process of dying: we're scared about pain, loss of control, losing people we love, being ripped from our own lives, uncertainty. That fear can lead to anger as we pretend that dying and death aren't integral parts of life and living. We feel isolated as we grapple alone, trying to make sense of our emotions around death. Many of us feel ashamed: of our fears, of our lack of knowledge - even of our desire to learn more about the end of life. All these negative emotions can lead to denial; we'd rather not experience them, so we work even harder to avoid learning about death. And then, when we're faced with death - with the cancer diagnosis or the progressive disease or the car accident or the eventual decline of old age - we are too overcome with grief, disbelief and denial to think about and plan for it coherently.
We need to break this cycle.
When we do break it, we become open to learning and talking about dying and death as a part of life. In so doing, we can change the conversation from something negative to one of understanding, compassion and acceptance. Our newly developed and healthy respect for dying and death will strengthen us on both personal and societal levels. We will be able to take better care of our dying and approach our own deaths with less fear and more comfort. When we demystify death and encourage critical thinking, research and debate about it, we will better learn how to support one another in this unavoidable part of life. And we need to begin this work before we, or our loved ones, get sick and before we become overcome by grief, fear and denial. We have to start today to develop our knowledge and understanding and to shift our thinking."
Profile Image for Natalie.
270 reviews8 followers
September 5, 2021
Wonderful insight into how and why the experiences of death and dying are so different today than they were many years ago in the context of medical intervention and clear and actionable steps on how to change that.

Normalizing talking about death and dying and reintegrating death into everyday life as a social part of life is now something im very passionate about because of the compelling arguments Dr Kortes-Miller lays out. People who are dying (aka everyone) deserve better!!!
Profile Image for Sondra Seibel.
8 reviews1 follower
April 12, 2018
This book gives a great overview of end-of-life issues, why we struggle to talk about them, and tips on how to start conversations. It is very accessible to non-medical people (not a lot of jargon). I also appreciated that it had a section on Medical Assistance in Dying - a relatively new option here in Canada. There is also an excellent resource section at the end with lots of websites for further information on specific topics.
Profile Image for Zeynep T..
931 reviews132 followers
February 12, 2023
Psikoloji kitapları okuma grubumuzun ilk kitabı palyatif bakım konusunda uzman olan Kanadalı Kathy Kortes-Miller'dan Ölüm Psikolojisi oldu. Kitabı doyurucu bulduğumu söyleyemem.

Benim için ilk sorun başlıktan kaynaklandı. Orijinal başlık dilimize Google Translate aracılığıyla "Ölüm Hakkında Konuşmak Sizi Öldürmeyecek: Yaşam Sonu Konuşmaları İçin Temel Kılavuz" olarak çevrilirken Türkçe edisyonda ana başlık için "Ölüm Psikolojisi" uygun görülmüş. Bu başlığın kitabın içeriği ile uyumsuz ve okuyucuyu yanıltıcı olduğunu düşünüyorum.

Kitabın içeriği ölüm hakkında konuşmak ve bu konuda kararlar almak zorunda olanlar yani tüm insanlar için bir kılavuz olarak tasarlanmış fakat çocuklara ölümün nasıl anlatılması gerektiğini açıklayan bölüm dışında pek çok konunun yüzeysel kaldığını düşünüyorum. Ayrıca yazar konuya sadece kendi ülkesinin perspektifinden yaklaştığı için evrensel olamıyor anlatılanlar. Bir iki yerde geçse de yazarın sahip oldukları ayrıcalıklardan söz açıp karşılaştırma yapmasını beklerdim diğer uluslarla. Anlatılanlar pek çok kişiye yabancı kalıyor ne yazık ki. Kültürel, ekonomik farklara değinim çok az. Hele ki ölümü sevdiklerinizle birlikte evinizde karşılama konusu ve bakım emeği hususunda mevcut kapitalist sistemi eleştirmeyen bir uzmanı samimi bulmam mümkün değil. Burada da ufak dokundurmalar vardı sadece.

Yaşım gereği ailemizde çok kayıp görmem, okuduğum kitaplar, izlediğim haberler ölüm konusunda zaten düşünmeye zorluyor beni. Kitap farklı bir perspektif sunmadı açıkçası. Bir de kitabı okurken şunu düşündüm, pandemi sonrası sevdiklerine veda etme, yas tutma süreci çok farklılaştı. Yazarın söyledikleri baya anlamsız geldi bu nedenle. Kitabın belki de bir faydası pandeminin beni ve belki de çoğu insanı nasıl bir travmaya maruz bıraktığını düşündürmesi oldu.

Kitaptan bana kalanlar; çocuklarla ölümün nasıl konuşulması gerektiğini kavramam, ölüm psikolojisi ile ilgili ihtiyacım olan bilgiyi netleştirmem, Kanada sağlık sisteminin palyatif bakım, danışmanlık vs. gibi konularda verdiği hizmetleri okuyup ülkemizde nelerin eksik kaldığını anlamam oldu.
844 reviews9 followers
May 15, 2018
It's time to have a conversation about death and dying, and this is the perfect book to get it started. Written by a palliative care doctor and researcher whose goal is to improve end of life care for the dying and their families, Kortes- Miller explains options now available and questions to ask. The book is gentle and does not feel didactic - rather it talks about possibilities and emotions and present day laws. At the end there is a resource guide pertinent to the provinces and no doubt helpful to those trying to navigate a difficult time.
Profile Image for Katherine.
Author 10 books5 followers
June 12, 2018
Kathy Kortes-Miller knows about death. A hospital social worker, educator on end of life and palliative care issues, and a cancer survivor herself, Kortes-Miller brings her tremendous experience, knowledge, and wisdom to the difficult and often taboo subject of death. Through humour, examples from her work and personal experiences, and discussions with colleagues, the author offers practical, down-to-earth advice on how to start difficult conversations, how to support people who are dying, and how to talk with children, physicians, and friends about death and dying. Highly recommended.
Profile Image for Brianna Davies.
234 reviews1 follower
July 26, 2024
The author is clear that this isn’t a handbook, or a how-to when someone you love (or yourself!) is dying. However I found this super practical. I don’t feel like I came away with anything that I didn’t already know, but a good reminder that preparing for death helps us live better, and that compassion both for those dying and those who will be left behind to grieve is important. Shifting death from a medical failure to a “normative social process” is really fascinating and I wish it would have been fleshed out a little more. This practical and grounded exploration of dying (with a Canadian context!) would pair nicely with Caitlin Doughty’s Smoke Gets in Your Eyes, which I found to be more impassioned and based in social + cultural history.
Profile Image for C.E. G.
972 reviews38 followers
October 19, 2021
Read this a little while ago, and can't quite remember how I felt about it, but I do think it was helpful (though sometimes Canada-specific).
Profile Image for Lisa H.
287 reviews16 followers
August 21, 2019
I picked up this book because it is part of a program from my local library. I have been very interested in death education and death positivity after discovering Caitlin Doughty's YouTube channel last year. This is a very practical guide for Canadian's looking to talk about death and end of life care with their loved ones. I think it would be a good resource for everyone to read prior to being in the middle of the stress of someone they love dying. It was presented in a way that wasn't morbid and I think would be very useful and practical (though tbh it wasn't nearly as "cool" as Doughty's books or videos).
Profile Image for Jacob.
418 reviews22 followers
August 25, 2021
Full disclosure: I worked with Dr. Kortes-Miller, and she is a truly lovely person. This is my honest review of her book, read through the lens of my own needs in this moment.

I thought the book was well-written and clear but it wasn't quite what I was looking for. The conversations I want and need to have about death right now are mainly with my aging parent and parents-in-law. There is one chapter where that is addressed, and a list of questions that I think will be helpful.

The other chapters have useful information too, like dealing with death in the workplace, talking to children about death, talking to your doctors about death when you're dying, considering medical assistance in dying, etc. (the MAID info is unfortunately already somewhat out of date). There is practical information for what you'd want to think about in all of these situations. But those situations were not something I was currently looking for advice on or encounter much, and many are hopefully far away for me (though I have thought about and planned for my own death) so not as useful to me personally. I also think my death literacy is probably higher than some people's (I've experienced significant losses from a young age) so some of it was not exactly news to me.

I liked the stories from her own life and her time working in as a hospice social worker that she included. They added a lot of heart to the story.
Profile Image for Mackenzie.
74 reviews2 followers
July 26, 2018
I received this book in exchange for an honest review. This does not affect my opinion of the book or the content of my review. Pinky swear!

I was excited to read Talking About Death Won’t Kill You because I’m one of those weird people who is fascinated by death, the psychology of people around death, and I do think that death is one of those things that is just brushed under the table in Western society. Not a lot of people talk about death and even less people know how to discuss it when it’s creeping up on someone’s doorstep.

When I had the chance to review this book, I thought it would be great. I’d be able to read about death from the perspective of someone who teaches people how to handle death and the process leading up to it. How cool is that! Unfortunately, I felt that while the ideas were there, the execution wasn’t the best.

I found a lot of the information in the book repetitive. In the first couple of pages the author explains that she teaches this undergrad course and then a couple of pages later, explains the exact same thing. Small things like that happened throughout and made it a little hard for me to stay engaged, as I’d find myself starting to skim.

If you can get past that, though, the book is pretty interesting. It touches on all the important aspects of talking about death – talking about it at work, telling your children. I was super interested to read chapter 9 – Posting, Tweeting, & Texting – Dying in a Digital World. Living in a digital world has drastically changed how you find out about death, how you talk about it, and even how people who have died are remembered. This chapter especially was full of useful tips on how to manage this new world. It made me more aware of what I’m sharing and how I’d be remembered if I passed suddenly (I say this as I knock on some wood).

All in all, Talking About Death Won’t Kill You was a neat little book. Was it my favourite? No. But I did learn some things about how to handle the process of dying that I didn’t know before and it’s made me think about death in a different manner.
1 review
March 17, 2019
Dr. Kathy Kortes-Miller wishes to ease our aversion around the discussions of death, dying, and grief. Her work is a testament to the way one person can inject a sense of hope and optimism while candidly showing us that our conversations, planning, and experiences, help make death personal, real, and meaningful.

The most notable strength of this text is Kortes-Miller’s skillfulness at holding space with her readers. She sets the stage for a stern but friendly campaign to start talking about death regardless of how awkward or difficult it may be.

I have only recently learned of Dr. Kortes-Miller and her unwavering commitment to improving our death literacy. After reading "Talking About Death Won’t Kill You. The Essential Guide to End-of-Life Conversations", I find myself looking forward to her next work.
405 reviews2 followers
June 27, 2025
I've read a number of books on this topic... aging parents and seeking info on discussions and advanced planning. I didn't learn much new though if this had have been the 1st one I read, I'd say I learned lots. Great overview of how to talk to the various people in your life - children, adults and care givers. What was new to me was a list of resources listed at the end of the book and many were specific to Canada.... I'm Canadian :-)

A difficult subject covered in plain language.
Profile Image for Joanne Mcleod.
280 reviews4 followers
October 7, 2019
An excellent book from a Canadian perspective (but applicable elsewhere) about the importance of the conversation of death and more advance planning regarding our dying as a fundamental to also living a good life. I love the idea of forming Compassionate Communities in advocating for, supporting, and caring for all its members through life, death, and grief. A very worthy read!
152 reviews
March 5, 2021
Although many of the resources in the book refer to Canadian practices and policies, there is still quite a lot that is helpful to anyone. We do not face the subject of death despite the inevitability of it for all of us. I found some useful info to give to my loved ones when the time comes closer so that they can be prepared for what will unfold once I am on hospice.

Profile Image for Sarah Robinson.
175 reviews
July 21, 2023
(Read in one day/sitting). Wanted to read this as a nurse who has patients who pass infrequently and how to talk to their families. A lot of it I knew but I bookmarked a few pages for future reference.
Profile Image for Lael.
434 reviews2 followers
March 25, 2019
Canadian specific, which was nice.
Profile Image for Vanessa.
2 reviews
November 16, 2020
Practical tips

As someone with a terminal illness, this book is very helpful on practical discussion and planning for the end of life.
Profile Image for Ruth.
66 reviews
Read
August 5, 2022
Another very helpful guide in my unofficial syllabus for navigating a family member’s terminal illness, this time by a palliative care expert.
Profile Image for Gaby Puga.
13 reviews
October 16, 2023
Great insight to some overwhelming topics. Great read for anyone with a dying loved one or anyone who has a terminal illness.
Profile Image for M.A..
491 reviews5 followers
February 17, 2024
Informative especially regarding palliative care.
24 reviews
April 4, 2024
This is a highly recommended read for anyone who might die someday. Filled with practical tips, helpful advice and a logical layout of important information. Bonus points for Canadian content!
Profile Image for edie.
48 reviews4 followers
April 9, 2025
I think I like living in denial better…
Displaying 1 - 24 of 24 reviews

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