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When It's Never About You: The People-Pleaser's Guide to Reclaiming Your Health, Happiness and Personal Freedom
Do you sometimes feel as if you exist only to satisfy others wants and needs, but never your own? Is your physical, mental and emotional health suffering as a result?
Everyone loves a people-pleaser. They’re always willing to help, to stay late, to fill in, to “go along.” But if you’re one of them, you often end up feeling violated, ignored, disrespected, and disconnected—from life and others. Silently enduring the ongoing and relentless invalidation of who you are and what you want will reliably wreak havoc on your health and the health of your relationships. So, are you ready to put less “Yes” and more “You” in your life?
In “When It’s Never About You”, psychotherapist, Ilene S. Cohen, uses real-world examples and activities to help you take a systemic look at people-pleasing. You’ll learn…
• How to reclaim a strong and balanced sense of self—while still being a “good person.”
• How to break the harmful behavior patterns that keep you from being heard, listened to and respected.
• Specific strategies for transforming yourself from selfless to “self-full.”
•How to go from feeling “vanished” to being clearly differentiated.
• How to get what you want and need—while actually earning even more respect from others.
Tired of disappearing from life? Ready for the “pleasing prescription”? “When It’s Never About You” will give you the tools and confidence to put yourself first, while bringing the best YOU to those who depend on you!
Everyone loves a people-pleaser. They’re always willing to help, to stay late, to fill in, to “go along.” But if you’re one of them, you often end up feeling violated, ignored, disrespected, and disconnected—from life and others. Silently enduring the ongoing and relentless invalidation of who you are and what you want will reliably wreak havoc on your health and the health of your relationships. So, are you ready to put less “Yes” and more “You” in your life?
In “When It’s Never About You”, psychotherapist, Ilene S. Cohen, uses real-world examples and activities to help you take a systemic look at people-pleasing. You’ll learn…
• How to reclaim a strong and balanced sense of self—while still being a “good person.”
• How to break the harmful behavior patterns that keep you from being heard, listened to and respected.
• Specific strategies for transforming yourself from selfless to “self-full.”
•How to go from feeling “vanished” to being clearly differentiated.
• How to get what you want and need—while actually earning even more respect from others.
Tired of disappearing from life? Ready for the “pleasing prescription”? “When It’s Never About You” will give you the tools and confidence to put yourself first, while bringing the best YOU to those who depend on you!
211 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2017
233 people are currently reading
2045 people want to read
About the author
Ilene S. Cohen
11 books69 followersDr. Ilene S. Cohen, PhD, is a licensed marriage and family therapist, author, and mother of two young girls. She is one of the most respected voices in the psychology of people-pleasing and navigating the difficulty of living an intentional life while trying to maintain fulfilling relationships. She is the author of 5 books, all of which have received awards and 5-star ratings from her readers. These include her most famous book, When It's Never About You, and her latest book, Anxious for Answers.
She's a regular contributor to Psychology Today, with dedicated readers in the millions. Her books and therapy practice are fueled by a passion for helping people achieve their goals, build a strong sense of self, and lead fulfilling and meaningful lives. As president of her family's foundation, Dr. Ilene oversees various initiatives geared toward creating better opportunities for those in need.
Link to Indiereader.com book reviews:
https://indiereader.com/2018/01/when-...
https://indiereader.com/book_review/a...
https://indiereader.com/book_review/i...
She's a regular contributor to Psychology Today, with dedicated readers in the millions. Her books and therapy practice are fueled by a passion for helping people achieve their goals, build a strong sense of self, and lead fulfilling and meaningful lives. As president of her family's foundation, Dr. Ilene oversees various initiatives geared toward creating better opportunities for those in need.
Link to Indiereader.com book reviews:
https://indiereader.com/2018/01/when-...
https://indiereader.com/book_review/a...
https://indiereader.com/book_review/i...
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 38 reviews
March 2, 2018
Do you sometimes feel as if you exist only to satisfy others wants and needs, but never your own? Is your physical, mental and emotional health suffering as a result?
Silently enduring the ongoing and relentless invalidation of who you are and what you want will reliably wreak havoc on your health and the health of your relationships. So, are you ready to put less “Yes” and more “You” in your life?
In “When It’s Never About You”, psychotherapist, Ilene S. Cohen, uses real-world examples and activities to help you take a systemic look at people-pleasing.
“When It’s Never About You” will give you the tools and confidence to put yourself first, while bringing the best YOU to those who depend on you!
Wow!! What a book. Amazing and awesome are too less to be used for describing it. I loved this book.. I have recommended this book to 10 of my friends who are in the same state as I was. Please write more such books. The world has enough of romantic, erotic and fantasy genres and more so in the world of self improvement but this book – is one of a kind!! Her website is just so awesome..
The activities at the end of the book are self analytical. I do overthink at times and this book taught me to let go it for the better. I have seen a lot of changes in my spirit and feel at ease with myself now- in the realm of absolute serenity.
I wish Dr Ilene all the very best for her future authorship works and I wish to be the #1 reviewer for her always.
Silently enduring the ongoing and relentless invalidation of who you are and what you want will reliably wreak havoc on your health and the health of your relationships. So, are you ready to put less “Yes” and more “You” in your life?
In “When It’s Never About You”, psychotherapist, Ilene S. Cohen, uses real-world examples and activities to help you take a systemic look at people-pleasing.
“When It’s Never About You” will give you the tools and confidence to put yourself first, while bringing the best YOU to those who depend on you!
Wow!! What a book. Amazing and awesome are too less to be used for describing it. I loved this book.. I have recommended this book to 10 of my friends who are in the same state as I was. Please write more such books. The world has enough of romantic, erotic and fantasy genres and more so in the world of self improvement but this book – is one of a kind!! Her website is just so awesome..
The activities at the end of the book are self analytical. I do overthink at times and this book taught me to let go it for the better. I have seen a lot of changes in my spirit and feel at ease with myself now- in the realm of absolute serenity.
I wish Dr Ilene all the very best for her future authorship works and I wish to be the #1 reviewer for her always.
October 14, 2019
My mind is spinning!
I wish I had this book 30 years ago. As Dr. Ilene says "you're never to old". I'm 63 and hope to begin my life now. Starting my second read through and taking many notes this time.
My sister is an alcoholic and seem to call me when she was not at her best. I always wanted to tell her not to call at that time. I feel so proud that I finally took the bull by the horns. I said I would talk to her any other time. Yes, just as Dr. Ilene said she is not talking to me. I hope that will change soon, but I'm standing my ground and not being a people pleaser about this.
Thank you Dr. Ilene for helping me see the truth about myself.
I wish I had this book 30 years ago. As Dr. Ilene says "you're never to old". I'm 63 and hope to begin my life now. Starting my second read through and taking many notes this time.
My sister is an alcoholic and seem to call me when she was not at her best. I always wanted to tell her not to call at that time. I feel so proud that I finally took the bull by the horns. I said I would talk to her any other time. Yes, just as Dr. Ilene said she is not talking to me. I hope that will change soon, but I'm standing my ground and not being a people pleaser about this.
Thank you Dr. Ilene for helping me see the truth about myself.
March 14, 2021
Self help is a must
The ones who know my taste in books this one might look like a step out of my box and it is. I never have read psychology books before and this probably is just one out of many to come. Since the pandemic is going on self help and psychological health are more spoken of and taken into account. And this was the first step of bettering myself and I cant rate that in five star system, no one can. So this book is a steeping stone in a lifelong jorney and cant be rated likewise. Thank the author for the easy and explanatory way of things.
The ones who know my taste in books this one might look like a step out of my box and it is. I never have read psychology books before and this probably is just one out of many to come. Since the pandemic is going on self help and psychological health are more spoken of and taken into account. And this was the first step of bettering myself and I cant rate that in five star system, no one can. So this book is a steeping stone in a lifelong jorney and cant be rated likewise. Thank the author for the easy and explanatory way of things.
February 10, 2020
I feel like I am a people pleaser who is already in recovery. Reading this was just very affirming of all of the hard work I did in 2019. I still have backslides sometimes, but overall I feel like a happier person with much healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
Everything in this book is like insanely good advice for people who struggle with anxiety and difficult emotions around their interactions with others. And for people who are always trying to keep the peace and make everyone happy when it’s not our job to do that and it’s okay to let people sort out their own shit. It’s okay to let people fail, and it’s okay to say, I’ve got too much on my plate, maybe another time.
Everything in this book is like insanely good advice for people who struggle with anxiety and difficult emotions around their interactions with others. And for people who are always trying to keep the peace and make everyone happy when it’s not our job to do that and it’s okay to let people sort out their own shit. It’s okay to let people fail, and it’s okay to say, I’ve got too much on my plate, maybe another time.
January 27, 2024
As a diagnosed people pleaser, this book is such a good insight on how people pleasing and seeking perfection to gain your self worth isn't just harming you but everyone involved. Some great journal prompts and exercises to do after each chapter. Definitely a book to keep around and re-read when people pleasing sneaks back in.
April 15, 2018
This is a well-written book that provides information to help the reader overcome people pleasing habits. I really liked the book and think the information is very useful. I especially liked the activity at the end of each chapter and the real-life experiences.
March 1, 2021
This book was amazing! It really pointed out a lot of behaviors I've picked up over my lifetime. Here's to some big changes. This book comes highly recommended.
September 28, 2025
While this book offers no big revelations or new insights, it brought me awareness. And all in all it worked quite well for me, as add-on to therapy
November 19, 2017
A casually written but insightful book that I wish I had in my early 20s. Dr Ilene anchors her book on Bowen's theory-familial influence on building one's character as a people-pleaser. She shares her own experiences of people-pleasing and how that changed after her grandpa's death. I think the exercises at the end of each chapter are quite useful.
May 7, 2021
How to squash People Pleasing Behavior
This was an awesome book, I loved how she did a summed it all up and had an activity solidifying the chapter’s reason. I learned so much, and it’s really all up to you to change the ingrained thoughts of being responsible for everyone’s happiness. The only one you need to ensure is loved is you!
This was an awesome book, I loved how she did a summed it all up and had an activity solidifying the chapter’s reason. I learned so much, and it’s really all up to you to change the ingrained thoughts of being responsible for everyone’s happiness. The only one you need to ensure is loved is you!
April 21, 2023
This felt more like a biography with some big take-aways rather than a self-help book. I also listened to the audio book and I believe this book would be better with a different narrator or read physically. I think this book could be a third its length. There's redundancy. I felt, "I get it, I get it." It could've been so much more concise. The last chapter was good.
May 29, 2018
We are proud to announce that WHEN IT'S NEVER ABOUT YOU: The People-Pleaser's guide to Reclaiming Your Health, Happiness and Personal Freedom by Ilene S. Cohen is a B.R.A.G.Medallion Honoree. This tells readers that this book is well worth their time and money!
June 22, 2019
Excellent book full with practical examples
This book is full of useful and practical information for people pleasers. Highly recommend it for who seeks some extra insight about it. ☺
This book is full of useful and practical information for people pleasers. Highly recommend it for who seeks some extra insight about it. ☺
February 18, 2023
people pleaser issues
This was a great book! I am a people pleaser with intentions to change. Ilene gave numerous examples which were very helpful. If you are a counselor or people pleaser you need to read this. Don't wait. Read it today! Thank you Ilene!
This was a great book! I am a people pleaser with intentions to change. Ilene gave numerous examples which were very helpful. If you are a counselor or people pleaser you need to read this. Don't wait. Read it today! Thank you Ilene!
January 13, 2020
This book came to me at the perfect time! I needed it and I learned so much from it!
August 5, 2020
Excellent book
I've found the book really helpful and very well written. It is also authentic. It is a book I could easily read again and learn more things from it.
I've found the book really helpful and very well written. It is also authentic. It is a book I could easily read again and learn more things from it.
July 11, 2022
Couldn’t even get through the preview. Writing was horribly vague and long winded. I spent every paragraph thinking, “get to the point.”
June 15, 2024
I wish I had read this book years ago. It was eye opening and felt like she had spied on me as I learned a lot of these lesson the hard way. While I'm still working on my people pleasing ways, I have learned a lot. This book covers so much: balancing selfishness with selflessness, setting boundaries (even with ourselves), letting go of the past, and more.
There are many reasons one becomes a people pleaser whether it's generational, trauma, or societal pressure. The author dives into explaining a lot of these reasons and uses examples she's seen from personal life to clients that have overcome their own fawn type of behaviors. Her creation of the word self full, the balance between selfishness and selflessness was intelligent. I liked that the book has activities for application to achieve 'self-fullness' at the end of each chapter.
She really calls a lot out with this book and I found it very insightful. It's not an easy journey and when you start to say no, people may not be happy. That's a huge struggle but she acknowledges you have been giving for so long and it's time for others to figure it out themselves. When I started to live self-fully I did lose some friends, I found they didn't like that I wasn't willing to do anything and everything anymore. I also didn't discuss it with them; the changes I was making. As she writes, she sped out the driveway without looking back, it's hard to find the balance when we first start saying no. Conflict is another very hard thing for people pleasers and I'll probably be reading books about that subject soon.
This book covers a wide range of things in the people pleasing spectrum and she also suggests taking your time with the book. Some chapters need rereads and to reflect longer on. I know I have worked on some areas more than others in my life and still have work to do in other areas.
I would definitely recommend this for anyone who struggles with people pleasing or knows a people pleaser.
There are many reasons one becomes a people pleaser whether it's generational, trauma, or societal pressure. The author dives into explaining a lot of these reasons and uses examples she's seen from personal life to clients that have overcome their own fawn type of behaviors. Her creation of the word self full, the balance between selfishness and selflessness was intelligent. I liked that the book has activities for application to achieve 'self-fullness' at the end of each chapter.
She really calls a lot out with this book and I found it very insightful. It's not an easy journey and when you start to say no, people may not be happy. That's a huge struggle but she acknowledges you have been giving for so long and it's time for others to figure it out themselves. When I started to live self-fully I did lose some friends, I found they didn't like that I wasn't willing to do anything and everything anymore. I also didn't discuss it with them; the changes I was making. As she writes, she sped out the driveway without looking back, it's hard to find the balance when we first start saying no. Conflict is another very hard thing for people pleasers and I'll probably be reading books about that subject soon.
This book covers a wide range of things in the people pleasing spectrum and she also suggests taking your time with the book. Some chapters need rereads and to reflect longer on. I know I have worked on some areas more than others in my life and still have work to do in other areas.
I would definitely recommend this for anyone who struggles with people pleasing or knows a people pleaser.
April 8, 2025
“When you people-please, you place your life in other people's hands. You work only for their approval of you. But sadly, they won't take the time to try to understand you and appreciate the good parts of you, because they'll be too concerned with what you can do for them. Chances are the people who need the most pleasing from you are not very concerned with your feelings at all.”
I never thought I would give a self-help book a 5⭐️ but the day has come. This book was a breath of fresh air from the beginning until the end! From my past self-help books’ readings, they all end up being repetitive somewhere along the book, but not this one - the author was able to be objective, racional, simple and keeping to add value throughout the whole book.
I don’t think I have ever highlighted a book as much as I did with this one. Dozens of pages highlighted from top to bottom. I know this is the type of book I will be coming back to many times in future. It’s literally the bible for people-pleasers - it brought so much wisdom and enlightenment into my life. Like Dr. Ilene S. Cohen “at some point in your life— and maybe that point is now-your people-pleasing behaviors will take you to a standstill. You'll have to make the decision to put yourself first” and if, like myself, your point is NOW, I would highly recommend you to read this book, things will finally make sense to you and hopefully we will all be able to start saying “No” without others making us feel guilty.
I never thought I would give a self-help book a 5⭐️ but the day has come. This book was a breath of fresh air from the beginning until the end! From my past self-help books’ readings, they all end up being repetitive somewhere along the book, but not this one - the author was able to be objective, racional, simple and keeping to add value throughout the whole book.
I don’t think I have ever highlighted a book as much as I did with this one. Dozens of pages highlighted from top to bottom. I know this is the type of book I will be coming back to many times in future. It’s literally the bible for people-pleasers - it brought so much wisdom and enlightenment into my life. Like Dr. Ilene S. Cohen “at some point in your life— and maybe that point is now-your people-pleasing behaviors will take you to a standstill. You'll have to make the decision to put yourself first” and if, like myself, your point is NOW, I would highly recommend you to read this book, things will finally make sense to you and hopefully we will all be able to start saying “No” without others making us feel guilty.
September 5, 2024
Definitely not my favorite self-help book. And I generally enjoy reading this genre and am usually able to take away something even if the writing bothers me. I see why people like it, but I found it repetitive and preach-y. One of my least favorite self-help tactics is when the author acts like they know you more than you know yourself, which is plentiful in this book.
The basic formula of each chapter was “You must be feeling A, but you can fix it by doing B, C, and D. Here’s an example of someone who was unhappy, did B, C, and D, and is better for it.” Overall, it comes off as ingenuine and snooty.
Expect a lot of “love yourself,” “have more confidence,” and “take time for yourself.” In fact, I got to the last couple of chapters and skimmed them because I realized it was just repeating what was already said earlier in the book. And if you take medication for your mental health, don’t expect a pat on the back.
Overall, it did have some good points and insights for people with people-pleasing tendencies. But, it wasn’t as helpful as it thought it was. Average 3 stars.
The basic formula of each chapter was “You must be feeling A, but you can fix it by doing B, C, and D. Here’s an example of someone who was unhappy, did B, C, and D, and is better for it.” Overall, it comes off as ingenuine and snooty.
Expect a lot of “love yourself,” “have more confidence,” and “take time for yourself.” In fact, I got to the last couple of chapters and skimmed them because I realized it was just repeating what was already said earlier in the book. And if you take medication for your mental health, don’t expect a pat on the back.
Overall, it did have some good points and insights for people with people-pleasing tendencies. But, it wasn’t as helpful as it thought it was. Average 3 stars.
September 17, 2021
4.5/5 for target audience
3.5/5 for non-target audience
Minus for lack of concrete studies and mostly anecdotal examples
Bonus for effective writing and conciseness.
Bonus for being a book I feel I need to reread at a later date to reinforce the messages within.
This book is not for everyone. It is for the frustrated, overwhelmed, people-pleasing individuals who are constantly driven to try to ‘fix’ everything and everyone. Those people that to place their self-worth in the hands of others. Those who would benefit from some ‘real talk’ to reassure them that their current situation is not how it has to be. Those that want to know there is a way out from the cycle that is not selfish, but in truth allows others to build/have their own autonomy. The way out will not be easy, but it will be worth it.
Or, it could also be for some who wants to better understand the person above and coach them out of the trap they have put themselves in.
3.5/5 for non-target audience
Minus for lack of concrete studies and mostly anecdotal examples
Bonus for effective writing and conciseness.
Bonus for being a book I feel I need to reread at a later date to reinforce the messages within.
This book is not for everyone. It is for the frustrated, overwhelmed, people-pleasing individuals who are constantly driven to try to ‘fix’ everything and everyone. Those people that to place their self-worth in the hands of others. Those who would benefit from some ‘real talk’ to reassure them that their current situation is not how it has to be. Those that want to know there is a way out from the cycle that is not selfish, but in truth allows others to build/have their own autonomy. The way out will not be easy, but it will be worth it.
Or, it could also be for some who wants to better understand the person above and coach them out of the trap they have put themselves in.
November 29, 2025
"When It’s Never About You" is a compassionate guide for anyone caught in the cycle of people-pleasing. Ilene Cohen helps us recognize when we’re living for others instead of ourselves, and offers practical tools to build boundaries, close doors when necessary, and move forward with dignity. What I found most powerful is her reminder that forgiveness isn’t required to heal—sometimes, letting go is enough. Enlightening, validating, and deeply humane.
November 25, 2017
When I was offered this book, I knew it was one that I needed to read. The author shares insight and stories about how people pleasing people can take back their lives. In a subject that is not easy to talk about or to understand why people do what they do, this book has some positive thoughts on the subject. A very informative read.
June 5, 2025
This book is just a start to being human. Has made me curious to how I became this way and what life might be like if I got out being a people pleaser. Book has lots of great quotes and some strategies to follow. Even with lots of things to ponder from the book I think going to a counselor to help through all this stuff would be the best way to gain progress
May 1, 2022
Right on point . Mix between therapy and neuroscience
September 14, 2022
A must read for people pleasers.
April 25, 2023
Helpful and eye-opening
August 1, 2023
Definitely changed my brain chemistry, a few of the opinions came off as privileged but we are told to leave what doesn’t resonate so here I am. Amazing book!
January 14, 2024
Excellent, heartfelt book and it goes deep into this issue. I would suggest you have a wise person to chat to as you read it.
Read
April 18, 2024A bit repetitive occasionally, peppered with inspirational quotes that get really tired after a while … but also potentially helpful in some regards
Displaying 1 - 30 of 38 reviews