If I Tell You

by Alicia Tuckerman

Life and love don’t wait until you’re ready, but what if finding yourself means losing everything you’ve ever known?

Seventeen-year-old Alex Summers lives with a secret and the constant fear someone will find out. But when a new family moves to town, they bring with them their teenage daughter Phoenix Stone. When Alex falls for Phoenix, there is no warning. In a small town with small minds, girls don’t go out with other girls, even if they want to.

In fear there is bravery – you can either cling to the edge or have the courage to jump. But what do you do when you’re left spiralling through the freefall?

Genres: Young Adult, Contemporary, LGBT, Romance, Queer, Lesbian, Fiction

325 pages, Paperback

First published March 1, 2018

About the author

Alicia Tuckerman is a driving force for young LGBT voices within Australia. Raised in rural NSW before she left home at the age of sixteen, she accepted a position to study at the Hunter School of Performing Arts.

Described as having an overactive imagination as a child, she recalls writing stories her entire life. Alicia attributes surviving her teenage years to the comfort, release and escape writing offered and she hopes to inspire the next generation of readers and writers to embrace their true passions.

Alicia was inspired to write If I Tell You after finding a lack of YA novels featuring two central lesbian characters. She draws on her life experiences to explore the joys, triumphs and cruelties of modern day adolescence and considers there is no fantasy world she could create that is more terrifyingly beautiful than the one we’re expected to live in.

Alicia is a Law Clerk and now lives in the Swan Valley region of Perth, where she does most of her writing in the small hours before the kids wake up, or on her daily commute to the office!

Reviews

[Sara ➽ Ink Is My Sword · Rating 3 out of 5]

3 “All of my fears” Stars

“The stupid in-between stage where all our feelings are giant and adult and serious, but part of us still clings to the past, licking chocolate icing from our fingers and tossing stones, because deep down we know that once we let go of the edge-once we jump- there’s no going back. And the problem with jumping is that it can’t be undone; you can’t go back once you’ve learned to fly. It’s part of you, and you have to live with it whether you like it or not, because you are the idiot who jumped in the first place.”

FULL REVIEW NOW POSTED.

Disclaimer: Copy provided by the publisher and NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

Buddy reading this with the coolest person here. ✨I am so glad I buddy-read this, sometimes I needed the commitment to push through the emotional heaviness.

WARNINGS: Homophobic comments, insults, characters, scenes.

Throughout the book, & After finishing the book: Life is shitty.I don’t wanna feel anything anymore, feelings are too damn painful.



Let me be clear, this is NOT a bad book. Quite the opposite actually, but is certainly heavy.

We follow Alex a very much closeted lesbian in a small town in Australia, and how everything changes for her when the Stone family moves to town.

Plot:

In basic words, it was Alex coming out, falling in love, and letting life kick her ass over and over again.

Characters:

So the characters were alright, I honestly didn’t have a huge attachment to anybody here. Alex had me at nerve point at the start of the book, and then Phoenix became my nerve wrecking state at the end. Also, the existence of Phoenix felt to manic pixie dream for Alex, it was like she had a purpose and that's it. Then, of course, we are thrown with the TFIOS plot twist and bam she conveniently disappeared. I would like to say I like the supporting characters, but I cannot let myself redeem them completely.

Relationship:

Didn't feel it one bit. Too rushed. Too insta-lovey for me. And it made me wonder what would have been of Alex if Phoenix had never appeared in her life. Besides, the sex scenes were bad for me, like I get is YA, so you don’t want to include mature content. But at least you could black the scene out instead of pretending it happen, jumping from we are going to do it- to what is your future plans post-sex conversation. I MEAN DID IT HAPPEN OR NOT? I think my lack of connection towards the romance was what made it 3 stars for me.

Homophobia:

And here is the most delicate part of this book, and perhaps the theme that made appreciate the story. There is homophobia everywhere. Small town, religious, everyone things having a different sexuality is wrong. But an interesting point is that the characters who are homophobic, are not just characters with that purpose, instead, they are family, friends, community members to our mc. Which makes everything way harder and emotionally heavy, because it is a reality. IS NOT CORRECT, NOT AT ALL. But it shows how homophobia is a very present thing in our daily lives. Three things that bothered me a lot were how characters got mad at our mc for not telling them sooner that she was lesbian when they constantly made homophobic comments, I mean you were not making a safe space. And second was the way her mother reacted, wow it was just scary. After reading that scene I promised myself if I ever consider a serious relationship with somebody, I will ask for complete acceptance towards a kid sexuality, no matter what is their preference. Because damn if my partner reacts violently to a coming out, it would be a deal breaker for me, bye. And finally, the way everyone thought about themselves and how the fact our mc was lesbian affected them. I seriously wanted to scream IS NOT ABOUT YOU. Anyway, I could write a whole essay on this theme, but I don’t think you will be interested.

“Living with the memories you’ve got- and the one’s you’ll never make- is going to hurt, but pain is the privilege of the living.”

This is a book that makes you think and makes you curse life and how unfair is it. Is not a fluffy contemporary, I keep repeating this because it was hard for me to digest. So if you are for a heavy f/f contemporary romance, try this one.

[✨ jami ✨ · Rating 3 out of 5]

“And I feel the anger deep inside of me as I begin to understand the notion – the idea of being proud of who you are in a world that tells you to be ashamed; brave enough to be seen when people wish you were invisible.”

buddy read with my friendo

so this cover catfished me into thinking this would be a fluffy f/f contemporary romance and to be honest, it was NOT. If I Tell You follows Alex, a girl living in rural Australia who knows she's a lesbian but doesn't want to come out in her homophobic town. While there is some romance, this book largely follows Alex and her struggle with coming to terms with her sexuality. There are many heavy scenes including repeated scenes of homophobia, use of homophobic slurs and child abuse. At times this book was honestly grim and I think if this wasn't an ownvoices author I would have been much more uncomfortable with these scenes, I am really glad this is written by a lesbian woman.

characters

My biggest issue with this book is probably that I didn't connect to characters as much as I would have liked to. This is a very character driven story and I think I needed more investment in the central characters. The only one I really connected to was Alex, I loved her arc and how she developed through the story. She was a good protagonist to follow and my favourite character

Phoenix I couldn't connect to as much. I think she was kind of a manic pixie dream girl. She was that quirky, cool, larger than life character and I think she mostly just existed to drive forward Alex's arc. Which was annoying. I really wanted her to have more of her own story and now just exist to heal & develop Alex. Also, the thing that happened at chapter 20 was Bad and I didn't like it. STOP with the TFIOS plot twists. I didn't feel heartache over Phoenix because I just felt annoyed

The side characters like Van, Lin and Jason were okay. I couldn't really ever absolve Jason and Lin for the things they said at the beginning which made it hard for me to care about them, and I really lied Van but I think some of his plotline went nowhere.

relationship

I didn't really like the relationship as much as I wanted to. I think it was a bit too insta-lovey for me. I didn't really get the chemistry between the two main characters and never really got excited about them. I wanted it to be a bit more slow burn and fluffy. Also, again, the plot twist ruined all my enjoyment.

“Living with the memories you’ve got- and the one’s you’ll never make- is going to hurt, but pain is the privilege of the living.”

Lots of elements of this book didn't really work for me but I still think you could like it if you can handle the homophobia. Personally, I didn't really like the way the author handled the themes but at the same time I will not say it as done badly due to it being ownvoices. It's just not the kind of thing I typically reach for and enjoy reading.

I am really glad this book exists though because queer ownvoices #LoveOzYA books are so rare.

trigger warnings: lesbophobia/homophobia, use of slurs, child abuse/physical assault
content warnings: sexual content, terminal illness

[Natasha · Rating 3 out of 5]

Review also on my blog • Twitter • Bookstagram

Rep: f/f romance, lesbian mc, Vietnamese side character 

Trigger warnings: homophobia, lesbophobia, lesbophobic slurs, homophobic slurs, homophobic and abusive mother

Content warnings: mild sexual content 

Arc provided by the publisher in exchange for an honest review 

If I Tell You is set in rural Australia, following Alex Summers, a closeted lesbian. She has known that she is a lesbian for a few years but has kept it secret, fearing backlash from her town and her parents, mostly her mother. When the book begins, she meets a girl named Phoenix Stone, the daughter of a popular musician. Her moving to the town sparks gossip, everyone suspecting that she is a lesbian. This is a correct assumption and it reveals a lot of homophobia held by Alex's family and friends. Alex however, befriends her and starts to develop feelings for her. This isn't the best thing that could happen while living in a rural town with close minded ideas. 

I'm not sure how to talk about this. I understand what the book was trying to do, and I think in retrospect it did those things well. It wanted to show how close minded rural towns can be and how you don't need to conform to them. I also liked Alex a lot, she was a really well developed character. I liked her passion for music, showing some insecurities with her singing skills but she still sang in front of Phoenix. I also think it was well written and made the rural setting seem authentic (especially as someone who is from a suburb in Melbourne with no experience living in a rural area). I also really liked Alex's best friend Lin and her dad, who were both supportive when she came out to them.

What didn't work for me was mostly the homophobia. I knew there was homophobia going into this but it was far more vicious than I expected to the point it was distressing for me to read. Again, I do understand why it was in there but it was so hard to get through. For example, her mother doesn't want her to go anywhere near Phoenix just because of the suspicion she is a lesbian. Then there's her friend Justin who was far to vicious. He would go on and on about how wrong it was to be gay, even after Alex tried to shut him up. It's later revealed he had romantic feeling for her, and after Alex comes out to him he blurts to his sister that she's gay (essentially outing her) and she is furious at Alex. This specifically felt odd. She was angry that Alex was gay when Justin was in love with her? As if she had some sort of control of his feelings or her sexuality? I could understand general homophobia but I kind of don't believe she would respond in this sort of way.

Phoenix also deals with some homophobia, quite extreme sorts too. Aside from general gossip and looking down on her, the fence at her family's house gets vandalised with the d-slur in paint. Later, the same thing happens to her car but it was carved in. Again, I get the authorial purpose but it felt far too vicious. Phoenix also seemed to be rarely hurt by the homophobia, which was kind of strange since it could be very vicious and she came from the city, where people would generally be more accepting. 

Maybe this next point is a tad bit of a stretch but she came off as a manic pixie dream girl at times. For example, Alex mentions something about going sky diving. What happens later? Phoenix surprises her by going skydiving. Alex talks about wanting to be a music teacher? Phoenix encourages her to dream bigger and try to get signed to a label, telling her that the stability she wants was limiting. Again, maybe calling her a manic pixie dream girl is a stretch, but that's how she came off at times. 

Slurs were definitely overused. I can handle slurs once or twice but every time a character was homophobic some sort of slur was used. There were also the typical references to religion and a woman's role, things like that. It felt like it was following the stereotypical formula of the character dealing with homophobia book. Maybe I'm just at a point where I'm burnt out on this narrative, I don't know. I also just didn't like the ending. It felt cliche in some ways, and didn't give me the ending I wanted either.

If you can handle homophobia, maybe pick it up but with caution. I was hoping I would love this but I unfortunately didn't. 

[rachel, x · Rating 2 out of 5]

1.5 stars

• use of a gross trope I really don’t like
• bland af protagonist and sc characters
• so. much. miscommunication. and. lying.
• rushed romance w literally no chemistry
• weirdly overlooked subplots (van’s mi, for one)

[claud.]

This was supposed to be my first book for Pride Month 2019 (where I only read books that either feature primarily LGBTQ+ characters or are written by LGBTQ+ authors) but sadly I have to DNF. I'm so disappointed with something that the main character, Alex, says in this book, which makes me even sadder because I was actually looking forward to this and I wanted to support an OwnVoices lesbian novel. I thought it was going to be like an Australian Miseducation of Cameron Post, where the lesbian main character also lives in a bigoted small town (but without the conversion therapy camps).

On pages 142-143, Lin, Alex's Vietnamese best friend (and the only character of colour in this book, which I was already wary about because the author couldn't think of anything to write about her backstory other than her parents owning a Chinese restaurant), tells her to either be with Phoenix (the new girl and her love interest) and deal with the town's homophobia, or keep quiet and deal with losing her. Alex of course tells her that Lin being a straight person, doesn't know what it's like to be a closeted lesbian in a small town. Lin tells her that she doesn't have the monopoly on being discriminated against, as she and her family are Asian in a mostly white country town and regularly experiences racism from war veterans at their restaurant.

I thought this was going to be a productive conversation about how identities, privilege, and oppression intersect--that Lin, being straight, would have certain privileges that Alex won't have, such as being in an open relationship with the person she loves, but Alex, being white, would have white privilege that would actually make everything easier for her, including being a lesbian, because Queer People of Colour do exist, and they experience racism and homophobia.

Instead of this being a good teaching moment about intersecting identities for the both of them (and in turn, for the reader), Alex then tells the reader that People of Colour's (in this case, Asians like Lin) physical attributes are somehow a privilege over LGBTQ+ white people because then, Asians don't get told that being Asian is a choice. And that since Lin and her entire family are Asians, they don't have to be alone in facing bigotry. She even wishes that being gay came with a birthmark or a skin colour, so that she won't have to come out over and over.

I'm sorry but what. the. actual. FUCK?

Usually, I'm better at letting things slide if anything problematic is said or done in a book, but this time I just had trouble moving past it. This was so insensitive and racist. The comparison is just not there. It's possible to tell straight People of Colour about their straight privilege without being racist and somehow undermining the racism that they face. Instead of Alex recognising her white privilege, she compares her oppression as a (white) lesbian to racism, without thinking how bad it would be if she was both a lesbian and a Person of Colour. This isn't the Oppression Olympics, Alex.

This was all the more disappointing since this was an OwnVoices book. This was written by a lesbian author. And I thought that she, as a marginalised person, would be more knowledgeable and empathetic of other marginalised people's experiences.

I don't know if Alex learns that what she thought was fucked up or if she changes her mind. I want to be fair in my reviews and give it the benefit of the doubt because I didn't finish it. But that whole passage just made me see red and I don't see myself finishing it. I have very low tolerance for racism in books written by white authors nowadays.

I have no qualms with people who enjoyed this book. But just like them having the right to enjoy something, I also have the right to criticise. I'm tired of white queer people thinking their queerness somehow makes them less white and comparing the oppression they face to racism, without thinking about how their white privilege protects them and shields them from the brunt of homophobia.

[Det. Nidhi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Spoiler free review: This is a bloody good book. Compelling and thought provoking. Certainly a must read in the YA fiction section, scratch that it's a must read for everyone, straight or not.

Warning: Spoilers ahead.

I look at the girls in the picture and my heart longs to look across and see her sitting in the passenger seat, living the life she inspired in us all. Instead I hear her voice in my ear, telling me I should jump, that she'll be there to catch me.

Never before has a book affected me so much. I finished reading this book in one sitting, and I'm pretty sure I would have cried, if not for my extreme fatigue. Yea I've read my share of tragedies but this was so difficult to get through for me. To be honest I wasn't expecting the book to take such a turn in the end.

It started off as a YA novel, with a teen girl coming to terms with her sexuality. Alexandra Summers has known it for a while but accepts it finally. She thinks that coming out is not an option for her as the town she stays in highly conservative.

Then she meets Phoenix, the girl who has just moved to her town. She is drawn to Phoenix, but can't make a move forward due to her fear and shame. I was really hoping this is a story like 'Annie On My Mind', you know forbidden teenage romance with a lot of struggles and self discovery for them. That would have been so much more easier, not really but yeah. But around the 80% mark it took a sudden turn to 'The Fault In Our Stars', and I wasn't prepared for that.

Even before that it wasn't any easy book to read. The rampant homophobia in the town, the name calling, and the general lack of privacy in a small town just killed me inside. In fact, if it weren't for Phoenix I'm pretty sure Alex would have gone into depression.

From what I have read in the other reviews I am led to believe that this is something the author has actually gone through, and it reflects in the story. The emotions and the pain is so tangible and real. I was really into this book and towards the end I came really close to throwing my Kindle against the wall. I guess the author delivered what she intended to.

But don't believe for a second that this is altogether a sad book. Yeah I mean it does have intense moments but there is light hearted humour and there is a lot of romance. Nevertheless, this is not a book for you if you intend to enjoy it over a cup of tea in the afternoon. This is that book for when you want to cry really badly and you just need that little encouragement. Terrific book!

My rating: 5 out of 5 stars

PS: A big thank you to the author and netgalley for giving me a copy of this book. Id really appreciate it if it is available on Amazon in my country (India) so I can have a copy of it whenever I want.

[Adele · Rating 5 out of 5]

Review to come! In the mean time,

THANKS FOR RIPPING MY HEART OUT, ALICIA TUCKERMAN. those feels tho.
--------------------

A huge Thank-You to Pantera Press via Netgalley, for allowing me to read If I Tell You by Alicia Tuckerman, in exchange for an honest review.

Trigger Warning:
Homophobia, Abuse, Death

What I expected from If I Tell You, was a light, but still kind of heavy WLW story. If I Tell You…is, in fact a really heavy book. There’s a lot that the main character; Alex, goes through. First, she realizes that she’s a lesbian at a young age, and thus closeted herself for many, many years.

There are two things that I don’t like about this story: that Alex’s love interest dies at the end, and the homophobia that takes place throughout the book.

If I Tell You was a read where I thought I knew the outcome, since the synopsis spoils the ending anyway. However, what I got was an ending that was what was expected but so much more.

If I Tell You is told from only one point of view. Which I was very happy to read from, since the main character; Alex, goes through a lot of character development. We see Alex go through so much in one short novel. At first Alex is akin to a mouse, in my opinion. Alex was so, so closeted in the beginning. We see her anxiety and unspoken fears of if-and-when anyone would find out.

The pace of If I Tell You is incredibly fast, I feel like I read this book in just a few short hours. I was worried since my e-copy was only about 218 pages. In those 218 pages though, we see Alex fall in love, overcome some fears of hers, as well as live and deal with quite a bit of homophobia.

IMG_5577Alex’s life isn’t an easy one, that’s for sure. She lives in a small town (in what I think is somewhere in Australia), where everyone knows everyone. And when someone new movies into town, they’re ridiculed for the smallest things. Being gay in such a small town though, is unacceptable for them.

If you were to ask me about the book(s) that pull my heart strings the most, as of now I’d say If I Tell You is one of those books for me. Not only is the ending of If I Tell You one of the more heartbreaking thing I’ve read in a while, but there are moments throughout the book where I had to stop reading and walk away from the story for a minute. Quite a few of those moments were homophobic scenes. Some of those homophobic scenes involved Alex’s mother, which I honestly wanted to slap some sense into her mother.

One of the moments that stick out to me is a scene that involves both Alex and her dad. Her dad is an all-around great guy and he dearly loves his daughter. But the moment that I’m thinking of is just heartbreaking. I’m glad that Alex stuck up for herself though, and I’m glad that after that, Alex’s dad was there for her.

While I knew beforehand how the ending of this book would go, what actually happened is that I got my heart ripped out. Yep! I was legitimately ugly-crying, bawling my eyes out tears. I was a mess. The ending to If I Tell You was everything I expected and more. It was beautiful.

If I Tell You brought so many #feels to the forefront. There’s so much that happens in this book, I cannot even begin to begin what I want to talk about just because there’s so much. Even after a week of finishing this book, I am still processing everything. If I think about Alex’s story in detail I start to tear up. If I Tell You has completely ruined me in the best way possible.

[Nicole · Rating 3 out of 5]

First things first: I received this book through NetGalley.
actual raiting: 2.5 stars

Summary: What if the secret is more damaging than the lie?
I never planned on falling in love in Two Creeks, but since when has life ever followed a plan?
The day I fell for Phoenix Stone, there was no warning. She shattered the world I knew.

This is a story about being seventeen and growing up in rural Australia. Falling in love for the first time, following your dreams and disappointing your parents. Being brave enough to live your life, even when life is terrifying.

In fear there is bravery – you can either cling to the edge or have the courage to jump. But what do you do when you’re left spiralling through the freefall?

Be proud. Be seen. Live life fearlessly.


It's been a hot minute since I was so mad about a book as I am with this one. It hurts my soul, cause I wanted to love this book so much.

I had so so so many problems with this.

Let me start by saying that I'm a person who holdes grudges. So the fact that somehow Alex was able to get over all the things Justin said to her or the things her mother said and did. I don't understand. I just don't understand. There was still some tension between her and her mother at the end. But with Justin she was totally fine and I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND.

And then we have the whole Phoenix situation. I'm just so so so SO SO SO mad.

Spoiler!!!! Gay people can die. I'm totally aware of the fact that they aren't magical creatures that are immortal. I am painfully aware of this, since so many storytellers (no matter what media) decide to kill the gays and I'm pretty much sick of this.

It's not even that I liked Phoenix that much. I mean, I truly loved her in the beginning but she got just way too much for me. I didn't paticular like the relationship between her and Alex. Everything was just way too frustrating for me. But at the end of the book, I just feel like Phoenix was used as a tool to get Alex out of her shell, to have her more open about who she is and what she wants to do. And then we got rid off Phoenix. I don't like that.

But I don't want to end the review without mentioning a few things that I actually liked.
- Lin. Hated her in the beginning but she ended up being my absolute favorite.
- Van. No wonder that guy was so messed up half of the book.
- Alex and her relationship with her father.
- Gilly.
- Phoenix' and Van's family.

[Jenna · Rating 5 out of 5]

MY HEART IS BLEEDING.

I cannot even begin to put into words how I'm feeling after finishing this book. Right from the first page it is very obvious that this story is going to be personal. As a reader you are drawn head-first into Alex's life, and together you navigate the scary, harsh world she lives in, falling in love with her, and with other characters, along the way.

Alex is a protagonist we can all relate to, even if we don't share the same fears. I may not he going through what she is, but everyone has their own fears they need to work through, and this book teaches us (through heartache and laughter) that the most important thing you can do is life is jump into things with everything you've got.

I adored the cast of characters we got to know through out the book. Each of them was unique and three-dimensional, adding to the story as they went. Van, Gilly and Alex's Dad were, to me, three of the most important supporting characters, mainly because of the mentoring roles they took on. It seemed to me that each of the other characters represented something. Representation that was important and necessary to tell the story.

The plot of this book is very simple. A girl living in a small Australian outback town is keeping the secret that she is gay from everyone, until a new girl shows up and changes everything. But what starts out as one thing quickly turns into something else, and I found myself shocked by the turn of events.

ALSO LET'S STOP BEING SERIOUS FOR A MOMENT: This book was so Australian and full of so much Aussie slang and cultural references that I felt so unbelievably at home and honestly I need more books to be like this.

5 out of 5 rainbow stars and recommended to everyone who has ever been afraid to be who they are. To those people, I only have one thing to say. You should jump.

[Kerran Olson · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed If I Tell You, I found the rural setting very authentic, and for the most part I liked Alex as a protagonist as she grew a lot throughout the story. I also really liked Lin, and Alex's dad. I found Phoenix a little bit like a typical strong quirky cool girl who swoops in and changes everything, but even though she was a bit predictable, I did like her and I liked the way her and Alex's relationship progressed. I did really like Van as well and think there was a good mix of personalities to bounce off one another. At first this was essentially a coming out-story, and I think that placing it in a rural setting gave a lot of opportunity for prejudice and discrimination to be explored, because having spent a fair bit of time in rural Australia I know that there are definitely some strong opinions, especially in small towns. I found some of the reactions a little strong, such as those of Alex' mother, as well asJustin and his sister, but as someone who's never had to come out, and has grown up with a group of very open-minded and supportive friends and family, I can't speak to the types of reactions people would realistically have in that situation. I did feel for Justin, and I'm glad he was more supportive towards the end of the story. The ending I didn't see coming until quite close to the end of the book, and it did hit me pretty hard. It was unexpected, but I think it worked well, and it was interesting to see Alex's character development when presented with an external problem as opposed to her internal anxiety over coming out we saw at the beginning of the book.

Overall, I would definitely recommend this book, as I think it's well done, powerful, and relatable, and it's very Australian without being unreadable to an international audience. I'm looking forward to seeing what Alicia Tuckerman does next!

[Sim ✨ · Rating 4 out of 5]

✔️ a book that is published in 2018

🌟🌟🌟🌟 4 stars

This novel was top and tailed really nicely but I found the middle to be lacklustre; some parts were a tad melodramatic and unrealistic. However, it was beautifully written and constructed, reminded me of Puberty Blues and I realised how much I enjoy reading Oz YA and books set in Aus. If you’re looking for a heart-warming (and wrenching) wlw LGBT YA novel, I recommend this one!

[Brina · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 Stars

Read this and other reviews here: Brina and the Books

The cover was the first the first thing that drew me to the novel. I couldn't just not find out more about the book with the simple yet pretty cover - and I'm glad I did. I wanted to read more LGBT+ novels for quite some time now and Alicia Tuckerman's debut novel came at the perfect time.

I think that If I Tell You is a really important book for not only the LGBT+ community but for everyone out there. Although Alex's story is a piece of fiction, I can't help but wonder how much truth the story actually contains because this story felt too real. I'm sure that there are lots of Alex's out there living in small and conservative communities, afraid of coming out to their parents and friends, afraid of their reactions and possible resentment, afraid of being looked at differently. And that's just it, you're NOT different than other people, it's just who you are. It doesn't matter if you're gay or straight, you are still the same person. And I guess that is what Alicia Tuckerman was trying to convey with this novel and I think she did well.

"It's not about being normal! [...] It's about being who you are. If you have to try, then it's probably not who you're supposed to be."

I really liked Tuckerman's writing. Her words and sentences fit great together and conveyed Alex's feelings and thinking perfectly. I also liked the way the different worlds, people and beliefs clashed together here and influenced Alex in a different way. You could really feel her internal struggle about doing what's right for her family and friends and about doing what's right for her.

However, there was something missing to make it a really great novel, which is why I give it 3.5 stars only. Still, If I Tell You is a really important novel and I recommend it to those who want to read more from the LGBT+ genre, and to everyone else too.

"Don't apologise for being who you are."

[Joce · Rating 1 out of 5]

I was disappointed to have disliked this book. But I do not believe that the world needs any more books in which lesbians die—particularly if they are not necessarily well-written. That was not the only issue.

My biggest issue with the book initially was how Alex was shamed for not coming out. For any queer person, coming out is an extremely personal decision, and is owed to no one. One is not a coward for not coming out. Indeed, I was particularly distressed when Alex's mother violently abused her upon discovering her sexuality—surely, that was reason enough not to come out.

Of course, it was also difficult to see what attractive qualities Alex found in Phoenix other than the fact that she was also a lesbian. Phoenix was pushy and unkind, constantly shaming Alex for not coming out despite very good reason in homophobic small-town Australia.

And, of course, the terminal illness and death at the end. Hamfisted and unnecessary. Honestly disappointing from an author who is herself a lesbian—is this the sort of outcome you want young rural lesbians to envision for themselves? Fellow queers, just watch God's Own Country instead.

[Tien · Rating 5 out of 5]

Warning
If I Tell You may cause swollen eyes and blocked nose. Avoid reading in public. If affected do not drive a vehicle or operate machinery. Keep a box of tissues handy while reading.

[Ash | Wild Heart Reads · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was very excited when I first heard about this book, I mean a queer #LoveOzYA book by an own voices author? Sign me up. And it did not disappoint. If I Tell You by Alicia Tuckerman is a heartwrenching and beautiful debut about bravery, love and life.

If I Tell You follows Alex, a seventeen year old living in a small town. Closeted in fear of the homophobia of small-town mentalities, still all to present, she hides who she is, even from her family. But everything changes when Phoenix and her family arrive in Two Creeks.

“Half her face is hidden by hair and shadow, but her expression is clear: uncertain; brave. I’ve never seen myself this way, didn’t think she would either. After being so careful to hide for so long, the idea of being seen by her, like that,both thrills and petrifies me.”

This is such a beautiful story and there were so many passages I was taking down, I want to quote it all. Tuckerman has down such a wonderful job building the characters and the world of Two Creeks, it all feels very real. For this reason it was a bit of a hard read at times. As Alex beings her journey towards being herself she has to deal with homophobia from people she considers friends and family. Much of it from ignorance as well has hate.

There were times when I grew frustrated with Phoenix. She pushed Alex a lot in terms of coming out and living and it didn’t seem like she understood Alex’s fear. So I felt kinda bad about that thought when I found out the reason she was so desperate for Alex to live proudly and fiercely. Would I be angry if it were me not being told? Probably but I can understand so much at the same time. These two girls deserve the world. And watching Alex, in particular, grow was just amazing.

“And I feel the anger deep inside of me as I begin to understand the notion – the idea of being proud of who you are in a world that tells you to be ashamed; brave enough to be seen when people wish you were invisible.”

In terms of secondary characters I loved Lin, Alex’s best friend, she was so hilarious. Justin I wanted to kick most of the time and yet I really loved where they ended up and Justin’s actions near the very end just had me in a puddle of tears. Simmo and Van and Gilly and Alex’s dad, there were so many great and complex characters.

It was going to be about a four star read for me for most of the book. It did seem to slow a little in the middle however from about chapter 20 onwards the story was just so strong and I swear I spent the rest of the book in tears. It was just so beautiful and honestly I am going to give it 5 stars, it deserves all of them.

That cover deserves its own stars as well, it’s just beautiful.

If I Tell You grapples with some heavy topics but it is such wonderfully written and powerful story. As a queer aussie I just loved this book, it’s one for the heart. I am looking forward to being able to read more of Tuckerman’s writing.

★★★★★

*I received a review copy from the publisher in exchange for an honest review. All thoughts and opinions are my own*

This review and more can be found at https://wildheartreads.wordpress.com/

[Calzean · Rating 4 out of 5]

Alex is a pretty, popular girl in a small country town. She knows she is a lesbian and her plan is to finish High School and get out of town where she can come out, away from the conservative culture she lives in. And then enters Phoenix a new girl in town who wears the tag of lesbian with pride.
I think the author has produced a mighty fine book covering the fear of being different, of being ostracised, of facing parents and friends reactions and taking pride in who you are.
The book also does a good job of covering the various reactions to Alex's sexuality which comprises the expected negativity but surprisingly a lot of support. There is also a well handled tragedy which adds another dimension to a well written story full of interesting characters - my favourite was Lin, Alex's best friend, born in Australia to Vietnamese parents she adds another storyline that celebrates diversity.

[Bron · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was one of my favourite books so far this year - it is set in rural Australia, the writing is accessible and authentic, and it gave me ALL of the feelings. I feel like this is a really important book to have our there for teens - while no one story is going to be everyone's story, the more stories lthat we have out there, the more likely people will see themselves represented. Trigger warning for some really awful homophobia.
Thanks to Pantera press for sending me a review copy!

[Charlie · Rating 2 out of 5]

WARNINGS FOR THIS BOOK: slurs, homophobia, character death.


Spoilers below.


This book was so promising. Key word, was.

Seriously? The bury your gays trope? From a queer author???

The first chapter didn’t sit well with me. To me it basically said, “I am gay and this is how I know. This is why I haven’t told anyone, and this is the girl I’m going to fall in love with.” There are many better ways to say these things and they usually mean showing, not telling, and taking the time to do it right and let them breathe.

I also should have guessed by Phoenix’s name that she was a manic pixie daydream girl, but her harshness on Alex’s fear of coming out was what really surprised me. Most of the queer people I know, myself included, are well aware of the dangers of coming and are more than happy to date someone who is in the closet. Even the ones that aren’t usually know better than to push when someone’s safety is at risk. The closet is a safe place and it’s hard to leave, especially when you know outside won’t be as kind. I felt that Phoenix didn’t have any sympathy for that.

The Fault-In-Our-Stars style twist kind of came out of nowhere. The author did leave some hints, but to me it felt like a rushed add on. Suddenly I had four chapters left and Phoenix was dying out of nowhere. It also felt like it cheapened the story a bit; the relationship became a backstory, a reason why for Alex’s future.

There were good parts though. Alex felt like a very real character to me, understandable and afraid and in love. The setting was very true to Australia, down to the slang and the slurs. Some of the things that happen in this book are things I’ve experienced or seen happen. Phoenix and Alex, when they weren’t fighting, were happy together in a way that made you smile. The bumps in their road were frequent and harsh though.

Overall, maybe it would be a good book in the eyes of a straight person, but to me it didn’t feel right. Like the author didn’t fully grasp the ideas she played with. I wanted to love it, I really did.

[Trisha · Rating 4 out of 5]

Follows conventions of YA, but does it well. Lots of emotional punch. Authentically real (and sometimes horrifying) capture of small town Australian rural life. Alex is brave. Phoenix is the counter-weight, (and they kind of save each other). Lin, Van and Justin are excellent support.

[Samantha Maree · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book. I loved the characters in this book. I also thought that they were relateable and enjoyable to read about. The book raised a lot of important topics. I didn't expect the story to end the way that it did. However, I did sort of predict the ending. Although, something I didn't like about it was that it the author used a lot of Australian slang. As an Australian myself, I understood it but I felt that if a non-Australian were to read this book they wouldn't understand it. Overall, this book didn't blow me away but I really enjoyed it. The ending made me cry. It was so heart-felt and emotional. If you're looking for a lesbian representation this book has it. Although, I can't speak for the authenticity of the rep but I felt as this book was an own voices novel that that rep was good.

[Jade · Rating 4 out of 5]

When I started reading this book, the first thing that popped into my mind was that this could be to other young teens what 'Annie on my Mind' was for me.

This an extremely compelling read, which I finished in one sitting. I love that Alex and Phoenix's feelings are not written off as a teenage romance but they are also not given the maturity of adults. The reader is taken on a rollercoaster of emotions with them and I can honestly say that I sat for a good 30 minutes and sobbed like an overgrown baby.( So happy I was in the comfort of my home!)

I would recommend this book to anyone looking for a good YA romance but just be ready for the tears.

[Cora · Rating 5 out of 5]

This hauntingly beautiful tale was extremely well written. I was hooked on the first page to the main character, Alex, and her daydreams, and followed her through to the end, where she might not have gotten exactly what she wanted, but most certainly got what she needed. With lines like "…but pain is the privilege of the living." the author pulled intense meaning from the sad realities of life, and in a small way helped me cope with my own life experiences. I strongly recommend this book to anyone who's up for a good heartfelt cry.

[Claire Louisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this hard to put down, it was an emotional and beautiful story about claiming who we are and not being afraid to jump. Alex lives in a small town with a lot of small minded people, especially her mother. I find it hard to fathom the hate and dislike that people feel for people who are gay or different. I felt that this was a realistic portrayal of some peoples behaviour towards gay people, I wish it wasn't so and hope with all my heart that people learn to accept and not judge. It was a very Aussie story and I really liked that, I related to the majority of the characters, though certainly not the homophobic ones and I loved Lin, Alex's best friend. There were some very emotional twists in the story so maybe have a tissue nearby.

Thanks to NetGalley and Pantera Press for a copy in return for an honest review

[Bluebelle-the-Inquisitive (Catherine) · Rating 4 out of 5]

I just mean being comfortable and happy is more important than making some big announcement. If you’re happy being you, proud to be you, people will start to notice and they’ll figure it out for themselves. - Mr Gilroy

If you have to keep something a secret, if you’re too afraid to tell someone about it, then you’re probably doing something wrong. - Andrew Summers

Every book I read owns a piece of me. Books are how I learn, how I feel and how I escape. But not many books can make me cry. Those are special books and own a larger piece. Those are books that generally catch me by surprise. And catch me be surprise If I Tell You did. When I picked it up I didn’t expect to read it in less than 24 hours because it was so captivating. I didn’t expect to become emotionally invested in the development of Alex and Phoenix’s relationship and I didn’t expect to be crying after I finished it. But all of that happened. The story is simple girl (Alex Summers) meets the new girl in town (Phoenix Stone), falls in love, comes out of the closet, faces grief from small closed-minded town. Set against the background of the final year of high school in rural Australia with all that can mean. It is a beautiful story I’m glad I took the opportunity to read and recommend others do too.

I liked the characters. Even the characters that were disliked for plot reasons I liked because they felt real like their actions and perspectives were perfect for characters that have grown up in a small community. Justin’s arc was fantastic, he would be so easy to hate, he says some pretty ugly things at one point, but I couldn’t hate him for his pain. Lin is an interesting character. I’d be interested in knowing where her inspiration came from. Andrew Summers is a great father he has disheartening moments, but I can’t imagine this situation playing out better any other way. Van is a sweetie, there was a detail I kept forgetting about him that was key to the story which explains him. His whole deal was just brilliant in context.

As for the leading ladies, the easiest way to describe them is frustrating. Even in Alex’s head, I didn’t understand what was going on in there half the time. I won’t lie and say I know what it is like to be in her shoes though, or Phoenix’s. Phoenix I liked but her secrets were clear, we just weren’t told about them, not a clue. I’d love to reread If I Tell You and see if the indicators were there. My frustration with them came from not being able to pick the endgame. But I loved their multifacetedness, their reluctance, their togetherness.

There is a lot of phobia in If I Tell You. But no more than I would expect from a small county town, the sort of town where everyone knows everyone, where there are no secrets. Australia isn’t the most progressive of places when it comes to LGBTQIA+ issues. But before this book was recommended to anyone that prevalence of phobia needs to be taken into consideration. What I liked about it was the reality of it. By hiding her homosexuality Alex saw what the hate, the fear from those closest to her. I liked the language used ugly as it was because it is so Australian, people talk like that, I could hear it with the correct intonation in my head. And it really is a quotable book, so many strong quotes about self and owning your sexuality.

Purely for the fact that so many young women (and some men) will relate to the characters in If I Tell You I think it should be in libraries, particularly rural libraries. If I Tell You gives voice to so many who have for so long been voiceless, it is time they are heard.

My reading experience in a gif:

[Jess · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was difficult to put down. In terms of writing, I can't really fault it - it had beautiful description, well-written metaphors, a love story that made me smile. There were some elements of this book that had me a bit on edge, like the rampant and unforgiving homophobia, but I was able to tolerate that.
Right up until that plot twist towards the end.
Now, I have to give it to Alicia Tuckerman - I did not see the twist coming. I assumed something was coming, but I did not think that would be it. So when it happened, I sat there open-mouthed and staring at the page, filled with rage over what I knew exactly was going to happen next.
And it did happen. One of the lesbian characters dies, in a very annoying use of the bury-your-gays trope from a lesbian author. I would have thought that an author who was also LGBT would understand why that's so - frustrating to read in our fiction.
Maybe it's on me for going into this expecting a love story with a happy ending, but God, I just wanted to read about Australian girls falling in love.
Also, the sheer amount of homophobia in this book enraged me - and probably hit a little close to home in some places. I imagine this book is a good read for a reader looking for something along the lines of The Fault in Our Stars, but for me, it wasn't the right book.
The ending was hopeful, which I think was supposed to be the point, but it wasn't hopeful enough for me. I want happy endings for my lesbian protagonists, not hopeful endings.

[thelibraryofalexandra · Rating 4 out of 5]

Alexandra Summers is stuck.

She is stuck in Two Creeks, a too small Australian town where everyone knows everyone and everyone knows everything. Gossip is the town's currency and Alex does not want to add fuel to the fire by becoming the first openly gay high schooler in the entire town. As a result, she is stuck inside her comfortable little closet until it was blasted open by Pheonix Stone. Alex was immediately enraptured by Pheonix, who had quickly and involuntarily taken on the mantle of being the first lesbian in Two Creeks. Alex felt as though she was being pulled into two different and completely contrasting directions; Pheonix was everything Alex had ever dreamed of, but the knowledge that her sexuality would fundamentally be met with hatred, not only from the town but from her own family, was the core of Alex's inability to be truly herself. What follows is a truly inspiring and emotional romance between Alex and Pheonix; but also a story of friendship, the emotional and mental impact of homophobia, self-realisation and the multi-faceted nature of love.


Alexandra Summers is definitely a realistic character. She goes through emotional highs and lows, but fundamentally never doubts who she is. I would say at least half of the book had Alex feeling quite indecisive and insecure about the prospect of coming out to her family, and thus, to the entire town; and although at times, this became quite frustrating to read as a reader, you can only imagine how it would actually feel to be 'Alex' in this situation - her entire life is hanging in the balance.

How many Alex's have there been? Teenagers and adolescents and young adults and adults, should not have to agonise for years in order to decide whether they should or should not be who they are. That concept is emphatically underlined within this novel. Through Alex and her interaction with her family, her friends and her town - she eventually makes it impossible for others to understand that she is human and she is gay. Her heterosexual friends didn't need to 'come out', it was just assumed that they were attracted to the opposite sex because society has ingrained within all of us that heterosexuality is 'normal'. What is normal? Alex and Phoenix turn Two Creeks on its side, and I felt such pride reading about their strength and courage.

Phoenix Stone was an intriguing character. From the onset, the reader is aware that Phoenix is more than what she seems. Her mystique adds to her sensuality as a character and provides more depth to what is a romantic lead character. I say that because many a time there is romance leads especially in YA, who are just there to be romantic and provide no sort of emotional depth to the overall storyline, nor do they have a personality. However, in this case, I felt more for Phoenix than I did Alex, that is how wonderfully written Phoenix was. Her entire family was just on a different level of unique that I would love to read more about their story, especially Phoenix's brother, Van. He has so much pain and is so sensitive to the world around him, that reading his story would be an honour.

I will not go into spoiler territory because then you have no reason to read the book, but I will say that you will intensely dislike Alex's mother and you will want to slap Alex's father into action to be on his daughter's side (he eventually gets there, but still). I would also describe If I Tell You as an immersive experience. What I mean by that is, you walk in the shoes of a girl struggling to be herself, in a town that struggles with the difference in any form. Thus, the homophobia is rampant and confronting. I feel as though this representation needs to occur in a YA novel especially, as young adults and teenagers need to understand that words have such an incredible power to hurt and bring such immense pain to others.

...
If I Tell You is such an important YA novel, and I am so proud to have been witness to its publication. However, I do have one little criticism and that is the pacing of the novel. I felt as though the first half of the novel was very slow and frustrating in the sense, that Alex became more of a character who whined and complained but never did anything about it. However, the last half of the novel is where the narrative seemed to find its climax and everything seemed to occur within a hundred pages. I would have enjoyed the story a lot more if the second half of the novel was extended and given more time to watch the relationship between Alex and Phoenix blossom and watch Alex become an independent, strong and courageous gay woman.

In saying that though, I do understand that the build-up to the finale is a very significant journey and it's completely and utterly my own personal opinion, but I am quite an impatient person. As a result, I give the wonderfully poignant YA novel, If I Tell You by Alicia Tuckerman 4 out of 5 stars. 

[Rebecca Langham · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.25 stars. I really wanted to give it more throughout the middle chapters, but the opening and the ending influenced my overall thoughts. That said, 3 stars is still pretty good!

This is a pretty solid YA fiction set in a rural Australian town, something I applaud both the author and publisher for exploring. The depth of the homophobia in Twin Creeks was difficult to read about, and certainly a lot worse than I experienced living in Armidale as a student. The overall messages are about hope and acceptance and - as it’s mentioned many times - personal truth.

The atmosphere of the town, general characterisation, and writing is all very strong. Pantera Press is a publisher I’ll continue to look to for modern Australian voices.

SPOILERS AHEAD

It’s a tiny thing, but I don’t understand the rather American-Hollywood-Film style aspects set in the school. Australian teachers in a public school
can’t just be suspended on the spot by a principal. They also don’t make new students introduce themselves to the whole class when they turn up, nor do they tend to take students out for dinner and hug them in public, or tutor them privately on their own in a room without others around. All of that is a recipe for disaster for a teacher. This is all stuff that happens in movies set in the US and I just find it mildly distracting in a book that’s looking to assert its Australian roots. I’m a high school teacher so that’s probably the only reason those details bothered me and, really, they’re minor.

EVEN BIGGER SPOILERS - DISCUSSION OF TROPES
*
*
*

The ending frustrates me because, in my humble opinion, it seemed like unnecessary emotional turmoil. There are already SO many books that kill off our gay girls and the first LGBTI+ novel that Pantera prints adds another notch to the “bury your gays” trope. I felt like I was reading ‘A Walk to Remember’ (Nicholas Sparks) in the last few chapters, when before that the book was really engaging and powerful. I wanted this to be a novel that Australian English teachers would order for their faculties, that I could run to my teacher librarian and rave about as a new purchase for our students. But there must be something out there that has the same themes without the need to kill off ANOTHER lesbian in our fiction. Let’s have more disabled characters, more women of colour, more diversity in every way...but the one thing we don’t need is more dead lesbians...there are disproportionate numbers of those in the world of popular culture and literature already.

That said, if you can handle the death of a major character better than I can, I’d recommend the book. It’s a well-executed coming out story.

[Allyce · Rating 4 out of 5]

”There’s a difference between being scared and being a coward. Be scared. My life scares the shit out of me most days. But being scared means you care; bring a coward means you won’t even try”

I enjoyed this more than I thought I was going to. I’m really wary of debut novels, especially YA ones, they’re so hit and miss. This was definitely a hit! I’m not usually someone who bookmarks quotes but I started making notes of all the good ones in this and there were so many.

I loved the way this was written, all the language and slang was so on point, so many times it feels like authors forget how people speak when they actually have to write it down but this was spot on. It made me really nostalgic actually!

My favourite character is definitely Lin, she was just so no nonsense and gave Alex the tough love she needed but was still so supportive. And Alex’s Dad as well, loved him. Actually all the secondary characters were great, really fleshed out and I really felt for them.

I thought that it was a little, Alex and Phoenix meet and suddenly they love each other and can’t live without each other, it might just be that I’m not 17 anymore but it seems really dramatic to me. And I’m not 100% sold on the the whole dying thing. Obviously there was a secret, but it started out as a story of two girls who fall in love in a small town and all the discrimination involved. Then suddenly Phoenix is dead. Again, maybe a bit dramatic.

I did really like the whole message of be yourself, you only have one life you need to live it your way, with your truth. I thought that’s a really important theme.

So only a few minor issues but on the whole I really enjoyed it, and stayed up past midnight to finish it. Highly recommend.

[Rob De · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a brilliant coming of age novel from a debut Australian author. I am sure that she has drawn from her own life experiences and this will help other adolescents who are finding their way dealing with discovering their own sexuality in what can often be a cruel world. Yes, even in 2018!

Alex is 17 and has always been expected to get together with her close friend Justin from the next farm, but her feelings for him have never been like that. In walks Phoenix and for Alex the sparks fly. But in this small minded community many of the locals are soon giving Phoenix a hard time for being a lesbian. Is this the sort of life that Alex can handle?

There are many other community and relationship issues tackled in this book but it is predominately a wonderful love story.

There is a tragic twist at the end but this probably only adds to the feeling of hope that the story engenders.

[papilionna · Rating 3 out of 5]

I picked this up because I was in the mood for some fluffy f/f romance and THAT'S NOT WHAT I GOT. The fluffiness, I mean. This book is much more dramatic than you'd expect.

The story itself is okay, but the dialogue is a bit weird at times. There were some pretty cheesy lines no one would say in real life and some of the characters felt unreal to me.

I still liked reading about queer teens in an environment where it's not widely accepted to be gay.