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Kaileb's Dream
Once just a dream, now turned into reality the young Master of the White Blades, must fight to save the world. There is always good and evil, and the struggle is just a part of that existence. Having only been a Warrior, (an ancient race born in the early years of recorded history) for a few years this young man, must deal with the responsibility of both his new found power, and life. He must learn to find a balance within the world, and himself.
264 pages, Kindle Edition
Published July 11, 2017
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May 24, 2024
I am probably now the only person in existence to have read this book twice. The second time was for reasons. I will just say to the author, once they receive their next royalty payment: you're welcome.
In celebration, I share sentences from this book that will live with me forever:
'Across the lake went a shadowy figure, speeds faster than that of which I know not for any except us to have went.'
And,
'It wasn't the cold it was the stupid speed at which I could travel. That being two below slow or, negative slow.'
My original review from 2020 follows.
********************
Kaileb’s Dream is seriously punk rock. “Rules” for writing? No way! Traditional publishing couldn’t handle a book like this. Check it:
*How many other books combine striking visual art techniques with the written word? Kaileb’s Dream masterfully blends art forms by applying a Jackson Pollock technique to placement of commas, periods, and capitalization.
*Why should a cover reflect the theme or content of the book? That’s basically putting spoilers on the front. The lovely painted landscape art by illustrator Tiffany Varney (no relation) doesn’t give anything away, so the reader can fully enjoy the impact of the book’s many surprises, including what genre it might occupy.
*Grammar? Schmammer. All those books endlessly droning about past participles, dependent clauses, consistent verb tenses—who needs ‘em? And about how those same books often have chapters listing commonly misused or substituted words? That’s just a challenge to see how many you can fit into one novel. Also, why avoid the passive voice? You can't be poetic without it.
*Renowned Japanese author Haruki Murakami is known for including detailed descriptions of characters preparing and eating food in his books, and he is a darling of the literary world. Why not crank that up to eleven?
Kaileb Varney’s first novel, Kaileb’s Dream, is the story of Kaileb (no relation), a 15 year old boy living with his family near Chillicothe, OH, who is secretly also White Bo, leader of the Council, which “is An Ancient foundation whose sole purpose is to protect the world from evil, in all forms.” The Council has authority over all governments in multiple worlds. At the opening, Kaileb (the character, who I will refer to as White Bo going forward, to emphasize that I am referring to the character and not the author) is about to start high school and needs to find a mistress.
I should note that all of the following may include potential spoilers for the book. Although I don't think of it as having a plot that one can actually spoil, I reveal some of the book's many spit-take moments, and if you'd like to experience those fresh then I suggest skipping the rest of this review.
In accordance with the book’s title, the introduction states,
The Amazon listing for this book indicates a target reader age of fourteen to eighteen. The text quickly captures the teenage spirit. You will instantly recall your identity from that time in your life when White Bo attends a party in a park where,
At the buffet restaurant, they both get the salad bar,
You may have noticed the sudden appearance of various super powers in the above passages. No, you didn't miss anything prior. Like in a dream, such things just pop up as they are needed. Here is a partial list of special abilities on display, in order of introduction. I will spoiler-tag this, but you are much more likely to be surprised at why a previously established power isn't used, than at a new power suddenly revealed to the reader:
One option to liven up the book is to make a drinking game out of it. It’s simple, every time “of which” is used incorrectly, take a drink! You might not make it very far (you might not even get through the quotes in this review, to be honest); the phrase appears ninety-two times. “Thus” and "justly" are other good drink triggers. You won’t catch White Bo taking part in such activities, though, no way. He does NOT drink alcohol. He may be the ultra-powerful Master of an immortal Council, King of all of Tteilqua, living alone with his Queen, able to pull rank on any world government, but since he is still underage in his home realm it is an absolute no-no for him and his wife.
Speaking of values, it’s refreshing to read about teens who turn down alcohol and avoid having sex. Even though White Bo and Hope a.k.a. White Feather are King and Queen and are married as warriors, they are not married as humans. They live together, sometimes share a bed, occasionally see each other naked in the bath, and definitely feel a growing sexual tension, but they never let it go further than kissing or occasionally drinking each other’s blood. Imagine their parents’ relief when they find out:
White Bo holds to traditional gender values across the board. As soon as they might be boyfriend and girlfriend,
On a lighter sexist note,
With that, I must take my leave before I hit the Goodreads review character limit. I didn't even get to describe the courtroom scene during which the judge switches genders. I am pleased to report that, for me, this falls into the "so bad it's good" category; I got many unintentional laughs out of it, thus of which I grant it two stars.
(Later upgraded to 5 stars because why the hell not?) (Later downgraded back to 2 stars again because at this point my rating isn't going to change whether or not the author ever puts out the next book he's been working on. That imagined encouragement was the real secret reason for the higher rating. But whatever the stars, this book has stayed in my heart and mind for years; isn't that the best review of all?)
In celebration, I share sentences from this book that will live with me forever:
'Across the lake went a shadowy figure, speeds faster than that of which I know not for any except us to have went.'
And,
'It wasn't the cold it was the stupid speed at which I could travel. That being two below slow or, negative slow.'
My original review from 2020 follows.
********************
Kaileb’s Dream is seriously punk rock. “Rules” for writing? No way! Traditional publishing couldn’t handle a book like this. Check it:
*How many other books combine striking visual art techniques with the written word? Kaileb’s Dream masterfully blends art forms by applying a Jackson Pollock technique to placement of commas, periods, and capitalization.
*Why should a cover reflect the theme or content of the book? That’s basically putting spoilers on the front. The lovely painted landscape art by illustrator Tiffany Varney (no relation) doesn’t give anything away, so the reader can fully enjoy the impact of the book’s many surprises, including what genre it might occupy.
*Grammar? Schmammer. All those books endlessly droning about past participles, dependent clauses, consistent verb tenses—who needs ‘em? And about how those same books often have chapters listing commonly misused or substituted words? That’s just a challenge to see how many you can fit into one novel. Also, why avoid the passive voice? You can't be poetic without it.
*Renowned Japanese author Haruki Murakami is known for including detailed descriptions of characters preparing and eating food in his books, and he is a darling of the literary world. Why not crank that up to eleven?
Kaileb Varney’s first novel, Kaileb’s Dream, is the story of Kaileb (no relation), a 15 year old boy living with his family near Chillicothe, OH, who is secretly also White Bo, leader of the Council, which “is An Ancient foundation whose sole purpose is to protect the world from evil, in all forms.” The Council has authority over all governments in multiple worlds. At the opening, Kaileb (the character, who I will refer to as White Bo going forward, to emphasize that I am referring to the character and not the author) is about to start high school and needs to find a mistress.
I should note that all of the following may include potential spoilers for the book. Although I don't think of it as having a plot that one can actually spoil, I reveal some of the book's many spit-take moments, and if you'd like to experience those fresh then I suggest skipping the rest of this review.
In accordance with the book’s title, the introduction states,
The story is meant to be a fictional account of a continuous dream, one that regularly occurred.Be honest; who doesn’t love listening to someone else recount a dream they had? The book succeeds in replicating common features of dreams, such as casually being able to fly, and people suddenly being present without actually being introduced to a scene and also suddenly vanishing forever from the narrative. It definitely achieves the dream-like quality of mutable reality. Outside of the dream state, one might retroactively find White Bo’s attention to picking out clothes in the opening pages absurd, once you learn some few pages later that he can change his clothes at will with a snap of his fingers. In a dream, reality changes constantly, so this makes perfect sense. Time in dreams is not always linear, so after White Bo attends high school for one day, and then is on summer break for three months, that is just fine.
The Amazon listing for this book indicates a target reader age of fourteen to eighteen. The text quickly captures the teenage spirit. You will instantly recall your identity from that time in your life when White Bo attends a party in a park where,
The attendants were grouped together, Guys, Girls, those who were dating, those who were sports fans, and other interesting variations.It’s like a window into my past. This party scene also provides the book’s first food porn (of much, much food porn):
The smell of grilled, beef, sausage, and other meats, of which were gently but lovingly glazed with a smoky barbecue sauce, filled the air.Yum. At this party, White Bo meets the dark-haired, olive-skinned girl of his literal dreams.
”My name…it’s, well it’s pretty long so why don’t you just call me, Hope.”We never do learn her full name. From there it’s your typical boy-meets-girl story: they dance, she punches him in the face just to test his reaction, the next day at school he dictates how she can wear her hair, asks her out to dinner, repeatedly pranks her with his time-stopping power until she gets so mad she slaps him with full force. That evening, he demonstrates his chivalry by asking her mother for permission to take Hope out to dinner and then has a member of the Council lie to Hope’s mother about being his father. So noble.
At the buffet restaurant, they both get the salad bar,
Cause paying as much or more the cost for a single meal was pointless, and wasteful.Even though it was stated in the immediately preceding paragraph that “any expenses were covered by the Council,” that’s just logical. After dinner, White Bo saves Hope from a flying pickup truck but she is injured, so White Bo flies her to the nearest hospital “at about six thousand miles per hour” which I think would crush her with G-forces or air resistance would flay the flesh from her bones, but that's fine. At the hospital he enters Hope’s dream and kills the demon, Slayer, possessing her, although it was also possessing the son of a Council member, which White Bo discovered through retroactive telepathy or something. Anyway, White Bo goes full into full Master mode at this point, directing Council operations, forcing Hope’s doctor to discharge Hope prematurely (it’s okay because he gives the doctor a pill to cure his wife’s multiple cancers that he just happens to know about), and spirits Hope away to his home in another realm, which was
On 3000 acres of land, thus of which was mostly forest, dotted with one huge lake and 4 smaller ones. In the direct center there was an open plain this is where I built my house. Well actually more like put, my house. I had the council go into the past a take a bunch of gold ore, and make me a house, of stone lined with the gold, they brought back.It's a nice house! Here, all is explained to Hope at last:
“I am Master White Bo leader and protector of the White Blades Council, thus of which was founded over 7,000 years ago.”Thus the stage is set for an epic love story spanning multiple worlds, culminating in all-out war against demonkind. Or, rather, a story of preparing and eating food, cleaning up, doing laundry, taking baths, going to bed, waking up, going to the market, occasionally fighting off random demon attacks or putting out a forest fire in California, and then finally culminating in all-out war against demonkind but with a few weeks’ break the middle of that to learn a new language and do some gardening.
“Ok, so your 7,000 years old then?”
“No, I am 15 I will live for 1,000 years.”
“Why do you need a mistress, to conceive a son or something?"
”That is optional, the reason I need a mistress is because I can’t heal myself, and I need her blood to heal my wounds. I cannot receive blood transfusions from, any human, or demon, only the one which possesses the “Necklace of Eternal light.”
“So, you’re not human?”
“I am human, but only half. Thus, being Master of the Council I can marry either a human or immortal. I choose human.”
“Why do you choose human? Immortal will live forever.”
“Exactly, their judgment will become clouded and their morals will fade. Also, if I were to marry an immortal she would lose me eventually and be alone forever.”
She sat then thinking of what to ask me next, I anticipated it would be something about why I chose her to be Mistress. She looked up at me and spoke softly, love drowned her voice.
“I accept I shall be Mistress White Eagle.”
You may have noticed the sudden appearance of various super powers in the above passages. No, you didn't miss anything prior. Like in a dream, such things just pop up as they are needed. Here is a partial list of special abilities on display, in order of introduction. I will spoiler-tag this, but you are much more likely to be surprised at why a previously established power isn't used, than at a new power suddenly revealed to the reader:
One option to liven up the book is to make a drinking game out of it. It’s simple, every time “of which” is used incorrectly, take a drink! You might not make it very far (you might not even get through the quotes in this review, to be honest); the phrase appears ninety-two times. “Thus” and "justly" are other good drink triggers. You won’t catch White Bo taking part in such activities, though, no way. He does NOT drink alcohol. He may be the ultra-powerful Master of an immortal Council, King of all of Tteilqua, living alone with his Queen, able to pull rank on any world government, but since he is still underage in his home realm it is an absolute no-no for him and his wife.
Speaking of values, it’s refreshing to read about teens who turn down alcohol and avoid having sex. Even though White Bo and Hope a.k.a. White Feather are King and Queen and are married as warriors, they are not married as humans. They live together, sometimes share a bed, occasionally see each other naked in the bath, and definitely feel a growing sexual tension, but they never let it go further than kissing or occasionally drinking each other’s blood. Imagine their parents’ relief when they find out:
“So, if you’re married to her, have you…. you know gone that far to try for children?”(Bold emphasis is mine). HOLY FORKING SHIRTBALLS! This was the point at which I looked up Ohio’s age of consent and statutory rape laws. Nope, not illegal if they were doing it, just creepy A.F. Still illegal by Council standards if not Ohio’s, because they would kill the Mistress but not the Master. Typical.
“No, yet we haven’t because we are only married as Warriors and not as humans as well.” Both our parents looked confused.
“What do you mean?” The both shouted.
“We must be married in a church also to be able to cross that line. If we were to now she would be killed for disobeying the rules of the Council.”
“I suggest you get married then.” My brother pointed out.
“Well the law says we must be adults to be married and thus I am fifteen and she thirteen I don’t see that happening anytime soon.”
White Bo holds to traditional gender values across the board. As soon as they might be boyfriend and girlfriend,
She had dressed according to my liking. She had on a long skirt and a baby blue blouse. Accented by white-buckled sandals, of which had an inch-long heel. Her hair she had put up into a ponytail and I loathed this choice, of hair style. I quickly asked her to take her hair down. I can’t stand it when, woman have either short hair, or have it up.Once she is his Mistress, he often chooses her clothes for her:
”Hope, you don’t need to worry about clothes I have placed some pajamas on the stool near the shower, wear those. We will go shopping tomorrow and buy you some clothes for here. You will be staying here for a long while.” I smiled.When he is aroused by seeing her blood,
My hand suddently met the left side of her neck, as my panther canines’, protruded downward. Using my left hand, I moved her hair out of the way, that of which was covering her neck, and then my sharp, fangs sank swiftly into a major artery within her neck. Her body fell limp, and we fell to the floor, her warm blood flowed through my hollow Fangs and into my mouth, it was sweet, smooth, warm, rich, and something I didn’t want to lose, but I knew I had to stop! We still remained on the floor, and she looked at me, I could tell she was confused.RUN, HOPE, RUN!
“Well, what did you think? I asked softly.
“It felt good… I actually think I liked the experience.
On a lighter sexist note,
His wife was a bit forceful, but what woman isn’t.. . .
The women with whom I surround myself are always too feminine for me. Their ability to seduce my emotion is there even when they don’t try.. . .
They helped Hope to get all the shopping and stuff done, though I’m sure more time was spent just browsing the clothing, women do that a lot. Too much for my liking.White Bo really gets women, doesn’t he? He and his family also have some choice ideas about Mexicans. For reference, his wife is Mexican.
She then rose and made her way to our table, it was my “Wife” that I told my brother about.and
“Figures you would end up with the Mexican, for the summer.”
“I know I said you could date a Mexican but I didn’t think you actually would.” My mom pointed out, hope just laughed in response.and
“Well, I warned you I was going to try my hardest to date, or even possibly marry one.” I reminded her.
”You know for a Mexican you sure don’t fight that much.”Ay-ay-ay.
With that, I must take my leave before I hit the Goodreads review character limit. I didn't even get to describe the courtroom scene during which the judge switches genders. I am pleased to report that, for me, this falls into the "so bad it's good" category; I got many unintentional laughs out of it, thus of which I grant it two stars.
(Later upgraded to 5 stars because why the hell not?) (Later downgraded back to 2 stars again because at this point my rating isn't going to change whether or not the author ever puts out the next book he's been working on. That imagined encouragement was the real secret reason for the higher rating. But whatever the stars, this book has stayed in my heart and mind for years; isn't that the best review of all?)
May 7, 2024
For what will be obvious reasons, this book reminds me of "The Eye of Argon" which I read a few days ago. Our author managed to maintain his enthusiasm for his OP main character's adventures for 250 pages rather than Eye's 25. Those pages galloped along sometimes, and sometimes made me dread opening the file to read more of it.
Kaileb's Dream feels like there was a complete vision of multiple dimensions and demons and animal transformations and superhero powers and so forth behind it, that we're only seeing in bits and pieces. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately (yeah, it's one of those kinds of things), the parts we're seeing are kind of a mess a lot of the time.
On a sentence level it's baffling (a word I also used about Eye's prose). There are a couple of examples in my notes and highlights. It can be baffling on the larger scale, too. I never had a good sense of any of the multidimensional worldbuilding, in what time period this was supposed to be taking place, why characters would be using horses in one scene, walking in another, transforming into gryphons--I mean, Nryphons--and flying in another, and teleporting in yet another. There's a huge war in the offing throughout the book that comes down to practically nothing. Epic battles are interspersed willy-nilly with family barbecues and breakfasts and going out to a Mexican restaurant and royal banquets and... yes, eating is mentioned a lot.
As frustrated with this book as I got at times, I don't like the idea of anybody (including the author?) coming through and editing it. Making it "professional" would probably siphon the life out of it. I couldn't recommend it to anyone I know, and the ones who already know about it already know about it, and at this point I feel odd about saying where I heard about it in the first place, so here we are!
Kaileb's Dream feels like there was a complete vision of multiple dimensions and demons and animal transformations and superhero powers and so forth behind it, that we're only seeing in bits and pieces. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately (yeah, it's one of those kinds of things), the parts we're seeing are kind of a mess a lot of the time.
On a sentence level it's baffling (a word I also used about Eye's prose). There are a couple of examples in my notes and highlights. It can be baffling on the larger scale, too. I never had a good sense of any of the multidimensional worldbuilding, in what time period this was supposed to be taking place, why characters would be using horses in one scene, walking in another, transforming into gryphons--I mean, Nryphons--and flying in another, and teleporting in yet another. There's a huge war in the offing throughout the book that comes down to practically nothing. Epic battles are interspersed willy-nilly with family barbecues and breakfasts and going out to a Mexican restaurant and royal banquets and... yes, eating is mentioned a lot.
As frustrated with this book as I got at times, I don't like the idea of anybody (including the author?) coming through and editing it. Making it "professional" would probably siphon the life out of it. I couldn't recommend it to anyone I know, and the ones who already know about it already know about it, and at this point I feel odd about saying where I heard about it in the first place, so here we are!
November 8, 2024
This book reads like it was written by a drunken, concussed AI programmed by aliens. Programmers and computational linguists might find it interesting as a window into the AI's dysfunction but all others should put the book down and back quickly away.
dnf
May 22, 2024I was only reading this one for 372 pages, and I fell too far behind the podcast. I was in the middle of The Malazan Book of the Fallen at the time, and couldn't force myself to yank my attention out of that world and into Kaileb's ridiculousness often enough to keep up.
March 29, 2024
This book is objectively terrible but a wonderful reading experience. Basically a literal adolescent fever dream, it's about a fifteen year old power ranger of some kind who meets the love of his life, eats many breakfasts, and fights an entire demon army over the course of probably several months but the chronology is never clear. It's earnest, perfect in its imperfection, and a complete joy to read.
March 3, 2024
SPOILERS AHEAD!
There are many reasons to enjoy a so bad it’s good book. Be it witnessing story decision so baffling you can’t believe what you’re seeing, laughing at a complete lack of story structure or grammar understanding, or just plain old hilariously incoherent information that leaves you with more questions than answers. Then there’s this book that checks all those boxes from beginning to end.
Before going any further, I should mention this story is a fictional account of a regularly occurring continuous dream, which explains the incoherent nature of the text because half the time I have no idea where we are or who’s perspective we are even following. That’s right, this book tries to tell the story from 1st person perspective. Usually when trying this kind of narration there is some indicator of a perspective change like a large blank space or the person’s name bolded, but that would be too coherent, remember, this is a dream.
Also, there are four immortal members of the council the main character abides by: Fire Ball, Red Feather, White Feather, and Grey Torpedo. This is all revealed before the first page. A clear warning for what lies ahead.
This first chapter really sets the tone for the rest of the book in regard to random information that just pops up out of nowhere with no context, such as:
I never was a fan of crowds, probably because it reminded me of the war in Egypt, with Nubia.
This book may be listed as fantasy, but it would be more accurate to narrow it down to a bad fantasy anime. I don’t know if this was on purpose, but so many parts in this book feel like an anime, sometimes in the worst possible ways. If I was to summarize the first chapter it would be, ‘protagonist finds his waifu.’ Oh wait, I’m sorry, his mistress. Who, like any self-respecting waifu, gives a right hook across the protagonist’s face upon meeting him. However, unlike an anime, there is a far more logical reason than he accidently saw her underwear.
“well I figured that if I punched you and you didn’t cry or hit me back then you could be trusted, and I would go with you…”
It’s a family tradition.
“According to my parents showing of love. In which my mom broke my dad’s nose twice with the two by four…”
They hit it off, the main character, whose name is Kaileb, in case you didn’t know, and Hope, that’s not her real name by the way. We never find out what it is, only that it’s long.
Like any overpowered anime protagonist, Kaileb has many plot breaking powers that show up whenever it is convenient and are mostly used in bizarre ways. Just to name a few things he can do, Kaileb/ Master White Bo, can stop time, bring people through different points of time, fly, shapeshift into an eagle or panther, make clothes and armor appear, enter peoples’ dreams, and exorcise demons.
White Bo, who I’ll be calling the main character from this point on, uses his power with great responsibility like when he stops time to mess with this girlfriend. This strangely feels like the plot of hentai now, but what do I know.
But their fun doesn’t last long, demons attack them when they are on their first date, forcing White Bo to fly Hope to the nearest hospital at 6,000 miles an hour. And the speed killed her, no not really. It is here White Bo summons members of his council.
“I want, Silvia, Ball. Fire Ball’s wife…”
So apparently Ball is Fire Ball’s last name. Why couldn’t this have been the book? ‘Mr. and Mrs. Ball’, ‘Meet the Ball’s.’ I can’t help but wonder about the Torpedoes now.
Hope is taken to the dream land, or some fantasy land, I don’t know it’s not well explained, moving on. It is here she is given the chance to become Mistress White Eagle. But why is there a need for a mistress? Well, White Bo can’t heal himself without a mistress. Specifically, her blood to heal him through transfusion or consumption like a panther. Does this get weird fast, oh you know it does.
“…due to the panther half of me, that I like the taste of blood. Plus, because you’re Mistress, now I crave your blood.”
Now’s probably a good time to mention this little fact that comes out of nowhere in the book:
I had forgot to mention my crippleness…
Yes sir, you did.
“I am crippled and Legally blind… I have abilities to offset the disabilities…”
There is no reason to bring this up since he has abilities that offset this and even when most of his powers are switched off later in the book his crimplenes doesn’t come into play.
Confused, good, because that was all in the first chapter. The whole book is like this. Every chapter is like that. Granted, some are less complicated than others, but it’s just as incoherent and confusing.
Another thing that makes me believe this is an anime dream is that the characters are almost always eating. To such an extent that chapter 2 can easily be summarized as, they ate food. There’s also a shapeshifting cat girl and a time traveler who’s White Bo and White Eagles kid from the future. TRUNKS! No, it’s their daughter, Kira. She was brought back by Demons with this logic:
I went the future to kill her but you stopped me, I instead kidnapped her and brought her to the present in hopes you wouldn’t know who she was and I could kill her.”
Well, thanks for telling White Bo that, ruining your plan. You know what they say, you’re your own worst enemy.
Don’t get too attached to Kira thought, she doesn’t stay long, doesn’t come back, and has only one contribution to the book, giving her parents a name to give her when she’s born. As seen in a dream:
“We will name her Kira just as she was called when she stayed with us.”
Now, like any good fantasy there needs to be a great enemy to fight. An epic battle of good and evil. On the side of good, humans and half humans, don’t ask me what they look like. And on the side of evil, demons, don’t ask me what they look like. But I do know their leaders, Slayer and Monchi. These fiends will attack the world(s) with a massive force.
“You just don’t understand the way demons truly fight yet. When they say army they mean, an overflowing planet sized mass one might consider an invasion not just a mere army.”
That sounds like impossible odds. However, when the battle happens, he never explains any battle that exceeds the hundreds, so I guess he was speaking hyperbole. I guess since he technically didn’t have the whole world on his side, he needed to shrink the scale, but he still has plenty of allies:
The United Kingdom has come forth to our aid. For that we are most grateful. As have the people of Tteilqua, Lithis, Spain, Mexico, America, and the dead of Egypt.
What?
Despite the smaller scale than what was promised, our heroes still face terrifying foes like wraiths, but they are no match for problem solving McGuffins:
“Our men won’t be able to withstand an attack by wraiths!” Sam warned.
“Gentlemen, if every man is granted one of these rings, they will be on equal terms in direct combat with the wraiths.”
Problem solved.
We get epic battles between Slayer and White Bo and Slayer’s mistress who appears out of nowhere. But White Eagle saves her husband and after killing Slayer and his mistress, has the greatest part to play in the whole war. When the protagonists go to fight Monchi and his mistress who also just appeared out of nowhere, we get this revelation:
the one that would decide the war’s victor we had to follow ancient traditions. Each couple is given two days to prepare, but only the females fight.
I think that should have been explained to Hope before she signed on to be White Bo’s mistress. And despite having two days to prepare, rules are still brought up mid fight like you can only kill the opponent with the weapon given to you. White Eagle, like me, was pretty annoyed by this revelation and even slapped White Bo who shouted it to her. But we get a good explanation as to why things are the way they are:
“The rules are what they are, and for good reason Will Black wasn’t some kid who decided to start some gang…”
The whole book made sense after that.
This is one of those books that is so bad you could write a book about everything wrong with it. I barely scratched the surface of what goes on in this book. Which just goes to show how much madness is contained within these 264 pages. Anyone willing to laugh at a bad book should give this a read. Critically speaking, it’s one star, but in the realm of so bad it’s good, it’s five stars.
There are many reasons to enjoy a so bad it’s good book. Be it witnessing story decision so baffling you can’t believe what you’re seeing, laughing at a complete lack of story structure or grammar understanding, or just plain old hilariously incoherent information that leaves you with more questions than answers. Then there’s this book that checks all those boxes from beginning to end.
Before going any further, I should mention this story is a fictional account of a regularly occurring continuous dream, which explains the incoherent nature of the text because half the time I have no idea where we are or who’s perspective we are even following. That’s right, this book tries to tell the story from 1st person perspective. Usually when trying this kind of narration there is some indicator of a perspective change like a large blank space or the person’s name bolded, but that would be too coherent, remember, this is a dream.
Also, there are four immortal members of the council the main character abides by: Fire Ball, Red Feather, White Feather, and Grey Torpedo. This is all revealed before the first page. A clear warning for what lies ahead.
This first chapter really sets the tone for the rest of the book in regard to random information that just pops up out of nowhere with no context, such as:
I never was a fan of crowds, probably because it reminded me of the war in Egypt, with Nubia.
This book may be listed as fantasy, but it would be more accurate to narrow it down to a bad fantasy anime. I don’t know if this was on purpose, but so many parts in this book feel like an anime, sometimes in the worst possible ways. If I was to summarize the first chapter it would be, ‘protagonist finds his waifu.’ Oh wait, I’m sorry, his mistress. Who, like any self-respecting waifu, gives a right hook across the protagonist’s face upon meeting him. However, unlike an anime, there is a far more logical reason than he accidently saw her underwear.
“well I figured that if I punched you and you didn’t cry or hit me back then you could be trusted, and I would go with you…”
It’s a family tradition.
“According to my parents showing of love. In which my mom broke my dad’s nose twice with the two by four…”
They hit it off, the main character, whose name is Kaileb, in case you didn’t know, and Hope, that’s not her real name by the way. We never find out what it is, only that it’s long.
Like any overpowered anime protagonist, Kaileb has many plot breaking powers that show up whenever it is convenient and are mostly used in bizarre ways. Just to name a few things he can do, Kaileb/ Master White Bo, can stop time, bring people through different points of time, fly, shapeshift into an eagle or panther, make clothes and armor appear, enter peoples’ dreams, and exorcise demons.
White Bo, who I’ll be calling the main character from this point on, uses his power with great responsibility like when he stops time to mess with this girlfriend. This strangely feels like the plot of hentai now, but what do I know.
But their fun doesn’t last long, demons attack them when they are on their first date, forcing White Bo to fly Hope to the nearest hospital at 6,000 miles an hour. And the speed killed her, no not really. It is here White Bo summons members of his council.
“I want, Silvia, Ball. Fire Ball’s wife…”
So apparently Ball is Fire Ball’s last name. Why couldn’t this have been the book? ‘Mr. and Mrs. Ball’, ‘Meet the Ball’s.’ I can’t help but wonder about the Torpedoes now.
Hope is taken to the dream land, or some fantasy land, I don’t know it’s not well explained, moving on. It is here she is given the chance to become Mistress White Eagle. But why is there a need for a mistress? Well, White Bo can’t heal himself without a mistress. Specifically, her blood to heal him through transfusion or consumption like a panther. Does this get weird fast, oh you know it does.
“…due to the panther half of me, that I like the taste of blood. Plus, because you’re Mistress, now I crave your blood.”
Now’s probably a good time to mention this little fact that comes out of nowhere in the book:
I had forgot to mention my crippleness…
Yes sir, you did.
“I am crippled and Legally blind… I have abilities to offset the disabilities…”
There is no reason to bring this up since he has abilities that offset this and even when most of his powers are switched off later in the book his crimplenes doesn’t come into play.
Confused, good, because that was all in the first chapter. The whole book is like this. Every chapter is like that. Granted, some are less complicated than others, but it’s just as incoherent and confusing.
Another thing that makes me believe this is an anime dream is that the characters are almost always eating. To such an extent that chapter 2 can easily be summarized as, they ate food. There’s also a shapeshifting cat girl and a time traveler who’s White Bo and White Eagles kid from the future. TRUNKS! No, it’s their daughter, Kira. She was brought back by Demons with this logic:
I went the future to kill her but you stopped me, I instead kidnapped her and brought her to the present in hopes you wouldn’t know who she was and I could kill her.”
Well, thanks for telling White Bo that, ruining your plan. You know what they say, you’re your own worst enemy.
Don’t get too attached to Kira thought, she doesn’t stay long, doesn’t come back, and has only one contribution to the book, giving her parents a name to give her when she’s born. As seen in a dream:
“We will name her Kira just as she was called when she stayed with us.”
Now, like any good fantasy there needs to be a great enemy to fight. An epic battle of good and evil. On the side of good, humans and half humans, don’t ask me what they look like. And on the side of evil, demons, don’t ask me what they look like. But I do know their leaders, Slayer and Monchi. These fiends will attack the world(s) with a massive force.
“You just don’t understand the way demons truly fight yet. When they say army they mean, an overflowing planet sized mass one might consider an invasion not just a mere army.”
That sounds like impossible odds. However, when the battle happens, he never explains any battle that exceeds the hundreds, so I guess he was speaking hyperbole. I guess since he technically didn’t have the whole world on his side, he needed to shrink the scale, but he still has plenty of allies:
The United Kingdom has come forth to our aid. For that we are most grateful. As have the people of Tteilqua, Lithis, Spain, Mexico, America, and the dead of Egypt.
What?
Despite the smaller scale than what was promised, our heroes still face terrifying foes like wraiths, but they are no match for problem solving McGuffins:
“Our men won’t be able to withstand an attack by wraiths!” Sam warned.
“Gentlemen, if every man is granted one of these rings, they will be on equal terms in direct combat with the wraiths.”
Problem solved.
We get epic battles between Slayer and White Bo and Slayer’s mistress who appears out of nowhere. But White Eagle saves her husband and after killing Slayer and his mistress, has the greatest part to play in the whole war. When the protagonists go to fight Monchi and his mistress who also just appeared out of nowhere, we get this revelation:
the one that would decide the war’s victor we had to follow ancient traditions. Each couple is given two days to prepare, but only the females fight.
I think that should have been explained to Hope before she signed on to be White Bo’s mistress. And despite having two days to prepare, rules are still brought up mid fight like you can only kill the opponent with the weapon given to you. White Eagle, like me, was pretty annoyed by this revelation and even slapped White Bo who shouted it to her. But we get a good explanation as to why things are the way they are:
“The rules are what they are, and for good reason Will Black wasn’t some kid who decided to start some gang…”
The whole book made sense after that.
This is one of those books that is so bad you could write a book about everything wrong with it. I barely scratched the surface of what goes on in this book. Which just goes to show how much madness is contained within these 264 pages. Anyone willing to laugh at a bad book should give this a read. Critically speaking, it’s one star, but in the realm of so bad it’s good, it’s five stars.
May 20, 2024
Not the worst book I’ve read in this bad book journey. It’s saving grace is that it’s still more coherent than Shadow Moon, and that’s saying something
March 21, 2024
Equal parts entertainingly and infuriatingly dumb.
November 3, 2025
To be honest, after about 1/3 of this I skimmed a lot.
But I trudged through.
The episodes of the podcast 372 Pages We'll Never Get Back are amusing, but this may have finally surpassed Bob Honey, Shadow Moon, and Antigua as the absolute worst thing I've read for that show. There is no redeeming quality here, and unfortunately the funny insanity is only sprinkled here and there with long swaths of nonsense in between.
The only reason to read this book is to say you've read every book along with the podcast. There is no other justification for the masochism.
But I trudged through.
The episodes of the podcast 372 Pages We'll Never Get Back are amusing, but this may have finally surpassed Bob Honey, Shadow Moon, and Antigua as the absolute worst thing I've read for that show. There is no redeeming quality here, and unfortunately the funny insanity is only sprinkled here and there with long swaths of nonsense in between.
The only reason to read this book is to say you've read every book along with the podcast. There is no other justification for the masochism.
March 21, 2024
Let's play a drinking game! Take a sip every time food is mentioned.
Then meet me here for next book club:
Then meet me here for next book club:
May 20, 2024
"Clam woman. The, end
March 4, 2024
I wanna like this book, there are things in it that could make it interesting. But all those get ignored and then swept aside so our heroes can be The Best with new powers and also eat. Because there is a lot of eating. Also many things are not explained so we suddenly have someone show up like they have always been there and never explained who or why.
One example, our hero says that he is (quoting) a cripple to the point he cannot hold a plate (or maybe it is two plates hard to tell) But also has great powers. Ok great someone disabled with powers would be interesting.
And then it never comes up again. Instead the hero has all these awesome powers and forgets that he was crippled. Was it a ruse? Who knows!
Also the way they treats Hope is kinda creepy. Not sure on the age of the writer but she seems like a really weird “haha hot Latina blood” with “anime girl from harem anime” mix that we are told how much to drool over her. Oh and I think she is 13? 13 to 15 but pretty sure she was 13 and he was 15 and it was gross.
One example, our hero says that he is (quoting) a cripple to the point he cannot hold a plate (or maybe it is two plates hard to tell) But also has great powers. Ok great someone disabled with powers would be interesting.
And then it never comes up again. Instead the hero has all these awesome powers and forgets that he was crippled. Was it a ruse? Who knows!
Also the way they treats Hope is kinda creepy. Not sure on the age of the writer but she seems like a really weird “haha hot Latina blood” with “anime girl from harem anime” mix that we are told how much to drool over her. Oh and I think she is 13? 13 to 15 but pretty sure she was 13 and he was 15 and it was gross.
March 3, 2024
Read this for the podcast 372 Pages We'll Never Get Back. The book was a confusing mess with no clear plot, poor dialog, and terrible grammar and mechanics. There's no logic to the progression of the plot, the characters just do things or things happen to them, and the story has a bad habit of introducing complications only to immediately resolve them. I also find it disturbing that the protagonists are fifteen and thirteen, and a good deal of their interactions revolve around them holding off on having sex despite their intense desire.
I will say this, there was some fun in just seeing what would happen next. The randomness of the plot was entertaining at times. However, I wouldn't have stuck with this if not for the podcast.
I will say this, there was some fun in just seeing what would happen next. The randomness of the plot was entertaining at times. However, I wouldn't have stuck with this if not for the podcast.
Read
March 20, 2024This was selected by the 372 Pages We'll Never Get Back podcast. I read this aloud with Donald, as we usually do with the podcast's reading choices. (As you might imagine, reading aloud only adds to the enjoyment of the rich and unusual language typical of these novels.)
Um... Well, that was an experience. This is one of the most bizarre books I've ever read, even for 372 Pages, but I have to say that I'd much rather read this than Shadow Moon or Bob Honey... or even Artemis. At least this one kept me laughing (and wasn't painfully dull, like Artemis' action welding scenes).
Um... Well, that was an experience. This is one of the most bizarre books I've ever read, even for 372 Pages, but I have to say that I'd much rather read this than Shadow Moon or Bob Honey... or even Artemis. At least this one kept me laughing (and wasn't painfully dull, like Artemis' action welding scenes).
March 4, 2024
5 out of 5 for being a wild array of unoriginal ideas relayed ineptly, as though by an alien with the feeblest grasp of human expression. It is vastly entertaining if that is your cup of tea - ‘that of which’ are as ‘ever-present’ as cups of non-alcoholic sangria and as refreshing as the awkward prose.
March 19, 2024
While this may not be the worst book I have ever read, it is certainly the most confusingly written! Another winning choice from the fellows at 372 Pages!
February 29, 2024
oooookay…
Let’s see. Bad grammar, wrong words used (barrow instead of borrow), incoherent story, incomprehensible punctuation, and ends with a fifteen year old boy marrying a thirteen year old girl. If it wasn’t for the podcast 372 Pages, I wouldn’t have gone even ten pages.
Let’s see. Bad grammar, wrong words used (barrow instead of borrow), incoherent story, incomprehensible punctuation, and ends with a fifteen year old boy marrying a thirteen year old girl. If it wasn’t for the podcast 372 Pages, I wouldn’t have gone even ten pages.
March 27, 2024
what a slog
Too long, too much repetition. Some unintentional funny parts but the changing of 1st person, the spelling errors, the punctuation, etc were way too distracting.
Too long, too much repetition. Some unintentional funny parts but the changing of 1st person, the spelling errors, the punctuation, etc were way too distracting.
April 2, 2024
DNF’ed about halfway through. I am not exaggerating that, without fail, this book gave me a headache every single reading session as I tried to figure out what the actual hell was going on. The English language did nothing to deserve this.
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