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F*ck la gentillesse
Manuel de survie quand on est trop bon (trop con ?)
* Vous vous évertuez à sauver quelqu'un de la dépression ?
* Vous tentez d'éviter à un collègue de se faire licencier ?
* Vous vous démenez pour que deux amis fassent la paix ?
* Vous voulez libérer un proche de sa dépendance à l'alcool ?
. Bref vous vous sentez responsable du bonheur des autres ?
Dans ce livre brillamment sensible et drôle, un psychiatre diplômé de Harvard et sa fille, scénariste, vous disent comment repérer les personnes que vous pouvez vraiment aider et comment le faire sans y laisser des plumes, sans se bercer d'illusion, sans essayer de changer le monde.
Alors que la plupart des livres de développement personnel décortiquent vos émotions et vous font miroiter un futur doré, F*ck la gentillesse vous le dit tout net : ça ne marche pas.
F*ck la gentillesse ne promet aucun happy end mais donne des conseils concrets, basés sur 40 années de pratique. Le message : ne vous épuisez pas à changer ce qui ne peut l'être ; apprenez à faire de votre mieux avec ce que vous contrôlez vraiment.
112 pages, Kindle Edition
First published September 1, 2015
1441 people are currently reading
12953 people want to read
About the author
Michael I. Bennett
10 books41 followersDr. Michael I. Bennett, educated at both Harvard College and Harvard Medical School, is a board-certified psychiatrist, Canadian, and Red Sox fan. While he’s worked in every aspect of his field, from hospital administration to managed care, his major interest is his private practice that he’s been running for almost thirty years. The author of F*ck Feelings, with his daughter Sarah Bennett, he lives with his wife in Boston and New Hampshire.
(source: Amazon)
(source: Amazon)
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 642 reviews
February 20, 2016
So, maybe about 2 years ago I was
ANYWHORE, as I was sucking at explaining myself, the psychiatrist mumbled (the dude's a total mumbler) that "maybe you're just like this." As in maybe my normal state of being is depressed. And as usual I had no reaction in the moment, but later I was like, um, FUCK YOU.
Cuz I don't want to be like this. I don't want this to be my normal. I want to be NORMAL normal. And yeah, I know there is no normal and blah blah blah and everyone's different and I'm perfect in my own way and Oprah bullshit but I DON'T WANT THIS . I want this:
I want a parasite. I want to be allergic to tuna and all I have to do to be "normal" is never eat tuna again.
So, I stopped seeing the pill pusher and for the 41st time in my life I stopped taking my drugs. BAD MOTHERFUCKING IDEA, DUDE. This never goes well for me. And yet each time I'm convinced it'll be different. What can I say, I'm a goddamn optimist.
Fast forward 8 miserable months and I was back at the pill pushers, communicating clearly that I did not want to be on the drugs he'd had me on but I would like to try a nice antidepressant or twelve, please. And now here I am, magically cured of all my ills.
Yeah, no. I'm still a miserable bastard. (But in a fun way!) I'm just very slightly less of a miserable bastard than I was before. And I still wish I was "normal" -- yes, while knowing that no one is and my idea of "normal" is just a fantasy. I guess I just had some sort of epiphany (that I'll forget on a regular basis) that maybe the pill pusher was right -- maybe this IS just me. That doesn't mean I have to accept sitting on my ass all day, every day (actually, who am I kidding, sitting takes too much energy--I was laying in bed). I still have to push myself. But it means that my normal successful day isn't going to look like the CEO's of some company who plays squash every night with her lover Raoul. And then plays other things.
No, my successful is getting out of bed. Taking a shower. Doing some work. Maybe applying some mascara. Not being an asshole just because I'm depressed. (Instead I try to be an asshole because I'm so good at it. Ahahaha. Humor again.) Taking the dog for walks. Staying out of jail. In fact, every day I'm not on MSNBC's Lockup is another day I am WINNING.
And that's one of the main points of this book that I'm finally getting around to mentioning. It addresses many issues people might have: depression, addiction, shitty parents, shitty kids, shitty people, shitty job...honestly it got boring after awhile. But I got three lessons from it:
1. There is no point in going why, why, why? Trying to figure out WHY I'm like this. What makes me so different (or feel like I'm so different)? Was it a childhood event(s)? Was it the back pain meds my mother was taking when she was pregnant with me? Probably. And? I guess it's good to know that bipolarism runs in the family but it doesn't do much for me NOW. It's not something I can change or have any control over. And also that type of thinking (the why why why) never ENDS. It's just away of avoiding dealing, in my case anyway.
2. My brain is fucked up. Literally fucked up. I cannot control or forget that no matter how much I'd like to. Depression, bipolar bullshit, ADHD, social anxiety....FUN TIMES FOR ALL. But hey, that's okay! That's just my shit to deal with in this life, because....
3. There is no cure. My fucked up brain isn't cancer, it's diabetes. It's not a cure or remission or death, it's insulin & exercise & diet & DEALING WITH THIS SHIT EVERY GODDAMN DAY. Or NOT dealing with it, which is still a form of dealing with it.
And a lot of days the idea of that depresses the ever living fuck out of me (but then again, so does everything else. Ha ha. Ha.). And I turn to my favorite fantasy of finding the magic cure-all. And that's okay, too. That's just me. It's all okay.
As long as I stay out of jail, that is.
3 stars really, but I'm gonna up it to 4 because I think this is quite literally the only self-help book I've ever finished. And that's just because it was an audiobook and I listened while walking the beast...but whatever. It still gets an extra star for that and using the word "fuck" a lot.
December 3, 2015
I wanted to like this book so bad because the title resonated with me immediately (not that that's anything profound because a lot of people probably feel that way) and I have had an interest in psychology since a young age. I read the introduction to the book and took a chance purchasing it, which I regretted about a quarter of the way through reading it.
A lot of people who didn't like it have cited similar reasons, such as its redundancy, bleak outlook on life, and unfunny humor. I agree that all three are true (though the bleak outlook didn't bother me as much) but what made me say fuck this book was actually the way it treated the subject of social work and in smaller part, racism. The racism was minor but still unnecessary (I forget the exact context, but I'm pretty sure it involved the fairness chapter and how the only reason you should say you wanted to get even with someone is if you're a Blood or a Crip) but the social work criticism was bullshit.
To give too much context to this review, I'm currently halfway through a BA for psychology, but very recently decided to switch to a Social Work major for a variety of reasons, none the least of which is its greater emphasis on social justice. I don't remember what chapter it was, but there was a sidebar about social work and how parents shouldn't let their kids become one because it will suck all the idealism out of them because they're forced in its paraphrased words to "be underpaid and wear bad clothes, having to deal with the dregs of society, such as crazies and selfish assholes like drug addicts". There was probably more, but I was lazy about getting around to writing this review so that will have to be it.
First of all, mental health fields in general, are difficult to work in. Second of all, social workers are crucial to this system because of the needs that they meet which are outside of psychotherapy's scope. Third, yes, they're underpaid (essentially the teachers of the mental health world), but so what?? I definitely believe they deserve to be paid more, but low pay and supposedly terrible clothes are stupid reasons to avoid being a social worker (and yes, I get this was a joke but as I mentioned above, this book is painfully unfunny). But what pissed me off so much I couldn't continue the book was how disgustingly judgmental the author was by referring to people as "crazies" (please stop being a therapist immediately if you're going to refer to people with mental health issues as pejoratively as that) and how he condemned every addict as being a selfish asshole.
Can addicts be selfish assholes? Sure, but not all of them are all of the time. Do they deserve to be treated with compassion in spite of when they are? Yes. And if you're going to suggest that the people social workers help are somehow inferior to other mental health patients, you're a gross person and should not be in the helping profession.
There's nothing edgy about being a dickhead and making fun of people who are already maligned in society, and it seems morally reprehensible to me that the author espouses these viewpoints being in the position that he is.
In short, again, fuck this book.
A lot of people who didn't like it have cited similar reasons, such as its redundancy, bleak outlook on life, and unfunny humor. I agree that all three are true (though the bleak outlook didn't bother me as much) but what made me say fuck this book was actually the way it treated the subject of social work and in smaller part, racism. The racism was minor but still unnecessary (I forget the exact context, but I'm pretty sure it involved the fairness chapter and how the only reason you should say you wanted to get even with someone is if you're a Blood or a Crip) but the social work criticism was bullshit.
To give too much context to this review, I'm currently halfway through a BA for psychology, but very recently decided to switch to a Social Work major for a variety of reasons, none the least of which is its greater emphasis on social justice. I don't remember what chapter it was, but there was a sidebar about social work and how parents shouldn't let their kids become one because it will suck all the idealism out of them because they're forced in its paraphrased words to "be underpaid and wear bad clothes, having to deal with the dregs of society, such as crazies and selfish assholes like drug addicts". There was probably more, but I was lazy about getting around to writing this review so that will have to be it.
First of all, mental health fields in general, are difficult to work in. Second of all, social workers are crucial to this system because of the needs that they meet which are outside of psychotherapy's scope. Third, yes, they're underpaid (essentially the teachers of the mental health world), but so what?? I definitely believe they deserve to be paid more, but low pay and supposedly terrible clothes are stupid reasons to avoid being a social worker (and yes, I get this was a joke but as I mentioned above, this book is painfully unfunny). But what pissed me off so much I couldn't continue the book was how disgustingly judgmental the author was by referring to people as "crazies" (please stop being a therapist immediately if you're going to refer to people with mental health issues as pejoratively as that) and how he condemned every addict as being a selfish asshole.
Can addicts be selfish assholes? Sure, but not all of them are all of the time. Do they deserve to be treated with compassion in spite of when they are? Yes. And if you're going to suggest that the people social workers help are somehow inferior to other mental health patients, you're a gross person and should not be in the helping profession.
There's nothing edgy about being a dickhead and making fun of people who are already maligned in society, and it seems morally reprehensible to me that the author espouses these viewpoints being in the position that he is.
In short, again, fuck this book.
June 28, 2016
This book with the humorous title was actually quite insightful.
Basically F*uck Feelings is a self-help book with a lot of swearing. Psychiatrist Michael Bennett and his daughter, Sarah, collaborated on it, which gives practical advice for dealing with our feelings. This quote in the introduction explains it well:
I listened to this on audio during a difficult time, and the advice was useful. The chapters have humorous titles like Fuck Self-Improvement, Fuck Self-Esteem, Fuck Serenity, and my favorite chapter, Fuck Assholes. (Oh yeah, the chapter on dealing with assholes was especially interesting. If you feel like you're surrounded by poop-butts, look up Chapter Nine.)
I did profit by reading this, but like most self-help books, not everything in it applied to me, and the swearing got a bit old. I have recommended this book to a few friends, usually after they've complained about some asshole. Happy reading.
Good Quote:
There's no "should" or "should not" when it comes to having feelings. They're part of who we are and their origins are beyond our control. When we can believe that, we may find it easier to make constructive choices about what to do with those feelings.
-- Mr. Fred Rogers
Basically F*uck Feelings is a self-help book with a lot of swearing. Psychiatrist Michael Bennett and his daughter, Sarah, collaborated on it, which gives practical advice for dealing with our feelings. This quote in the introduction explains it well:
F*uck Feelings explains that, in most cases, you have not failed and do not need to try harder or wait longer for improvement to begin; instead, you need to accept that life is hard and your frustrated efforts are a valuable guide to identifying what you can't change -- about your personality, behavior, spouse, kid, feelings, boss, country, pet, etc. -- the F*uck Feelings approach shows you how to become much more effective at managing life's impossible problems, instead of vainly and persistently trying to change them. If you're willing to accept what you can't change, we have many positive suggestions for improving the way you manage the shit on your plate -- beginning with not wasting time repeating what hasn't been working.
I listened to this on audio during a difficult time, and the advice was useful. The chapters have humorous titles like Fuck Self-Improvement, Fuck Self-Esteem, Fuck Serenity, and my favorite chapter, Fuck Assholes. (Oh yeah, the chapter on dealing with assholes was especially interesting. If you feel like you're surrounded by poop-butts, look up Chapter Nine.)
I did profit by reading this, but like most self-help books, not everything in it applied to me, and the swearing got a bit old. I have recommended this book to a few friends, usually after they've complained about some asshole. Happy reading.
Good Quote:
There's no "should" or "should not" when it comes to having feelings. They're part of who we are and their origins are beyond our control. When we can believe that, we may find it easier to make constructive choices about what to do with those feelings.
-- Mr. Fred Rogers
September 16, 2015
I think I chuckled, on almost every page. While this is a serious book it is about not being so serious about everything. We whine, moan, obsess and complain so much in our lives, always looking to blame something or someone even ourselves for not living up to the ideal. Well, just F8ck it! None of us are prefect, none of us are saints, we cary baggage, we snarl and spit, we are truly warped, get over it ! Work with you inner screwed up beast don’t neuter it.
Fun, foul language and realistic
Fun, foul language and realistic
March 31, 2021
I saw this on NetGalley and I had to request it. Because ... "F*ck Feelings". I know, I know, it's a (relatively) new marketing/selling strategy, but it's so up my alley. Mary Mary quite contrary and all that. And I don't know about you, but at times, I found myself thinking "fucking feelings, I wish I didn't have them..." or something like that.
Intriguing introduction: "Buying a self-help book is usually the second-to-last step to surrendering to a crisis of self, the last step being therapy and the first step being a gym membership, or at least a Zumba DVD or a pamphlet on the Learning Annex." . What the? I kept reading though.
I also had a big chuckle when reading that despite of what Oprah and Deepak Chopra might tell you, "just because you're prepared to sacrifice whatever is necessary to improve yourself doesn't mean you can do it". BANG! Just like that, on the first page, the authors are telling you that not only you're a dimwit for buying this book (I'm only half so, because I got it for free from NetGalley ;-) ) but no matter what you are willing to do to improve, it won't really matter much in the end. So, probably because of my somewhat contrary personality, I continued reading.
"Neuroscience seems to show that many emotional and behavioural problems we thought were caused by bad parents or trauma are also caused by wiring that isn't reversible. This explains why self-improvement is hard and sometimes impossible, even when we're strong willed and well guided. In other words, we're often fucked."
"We're often fucked"! How does one deal with that statement and its perceived meaning? Do you feel relieved to hear that things are as they are and there's not much you can do to change them, or just keep at it, trying to improve, better yourself, because surely, there's always potential for better and more? A dilemma. I'm in the always improving oneself camp, which can get exhausting! I've read my fair share of self-help books, especially when I was young(er), but - Shock Horror! - I'm still as disorganised as ever, and still haven't learnt the art of saying things in a more subtle, diplomatic way. But enough about me, you're here to read about the book and what I thought of it.
There were lots of things I highlighted. There were things that didn't interest me that much, such as the chapters on addiction, but that's not to say that they weren't good.
What I liked the most was its practical, matter-of-fact, at times sarcastic (but not too much) approach to it all. I don't care for yadi-dadi-da, pseudo/spiritual, a la the Secret and Depak Choprabs philosophies, so, yes, F*ck Feelings appealed to me a great deal.
Certain chapters, tidbits were enlightening. I loved the F*ck Parenthood chapter. And F*ck Serenity! F*ck Communication was such a revelation. There's also F*ck Self-Esteem, F*ck Fairness, F*ck Helpfulness - all well presented and argued. Other chapters, sub-chapters on addiction, therapy, love were very informative and different.
Ultimately, this book is not teaching you to ignore feelings, but to adjust your expectations, to take a more pragmatical approach, to have achievable goals.
And
"... remember that there's no such thing as "fair", feelings are stupid, life is hard... and you're going to be relatively okay, even if you won't be happy, because your goals are realistic and your efforts to reach those goals will make you proud. Then, the next time life gives you a shit sandwich, slather that puppy in ketchup and enjoy. They're on everyone's menu. Even at the fine dining halls at Harvard."
F*ck Feelings is the self-help book that is the antithesis to every SH book and shrink drivel and clichés you've ever read. And I f*cking (mostly) loved it!
4.5 stars
I've received this book via NetGalley. Many thanks to the publishers, Simon & Schuster, for the opportunity to read and review.
Intriguing introduction: "Buying a self-help book is usually the second-to-last step to surrendering to a crisis of self, the last step being therapy and the first step being a gym membership, or at least a Zumba DVD or a pamphlet on the Learning Annex." . What the? I kept reading though.
I also had a big chuckle when reading that despite of what Oprah and Deepak Chopra might tell you, "just because you're prepared to sacrifice whatever is necessary to improve yourself doesn't mean you can do it". BANG! Just like that, on the first page, the authors are telling you that not only you're a dimwit for buying this book (I'm only half so, because I got it for free from NetGalley ;-) ) but no matter what you are willing to do to improve, it won't really matter much in the end. So, probably because of my somewhat contrary personality, I continued reading.
"Neuroscience seems to show that many emotional and behavioural problems we thought were caused by bad parents or trauma are also caused by wiring that isn't reversible. This explains why self-improvement is hard and sometimes impossible, even when we're strong willed and well guided. In other words, we're often fucked."
"We're often fucked"! How does one deal with that statement and its perceived meaning? Do you feel relieved to hear that things are as they are and there's not much you can do to change them, or just keep at it, trying to improve, better yourself, because surely, there's always potential for better and more? A dilemma. I'm in the always improving oneself camp, which can get exhausting! I've read my fair share of self-help books, especially when I was young(er), but - Shock Horror! - I'm still as disorganised as ever, and still haven't learnt the art of saying things in a more subtle, diplomatic way. But enough about me, you're here to read about the book and what I thought of it.
There were lots of things I highlighted. There were things that didn't interest me that much, such as the chapters on addiction, but that's not to say that they weren't good.
What I liked the most was its practical, matter-of-fact, at times sarcastic (but not too much) approach to it all. I don't care for yadi-dadi-da, pseudo/spiritual, a la the Secret and Depak Chopra
Certain chapters, tidbits were enlightening. I loved the F*ck Parenthood chapter. And F*ck Serenity! F*ck Communication was such a revelation. There's also F*ck Self-Esteem, F*ck Fairness, F*ck Helpfulness - all well presented and argued. Other chapters, sub-chapters on addiction, therapy, love were very informative and different.
Ultimately, this book is not teaching you to ignore feelings, but to adjust your expectations, to take a more pragmatical approach, to have achievable goals.
And
"... remember that there's no such thing as "fair", feelings are stupid, life is hard... and you're going to be relatively okay, even if you won't be happy, because your goals are realistic and your efforts to reach those goals will make you proud. Then, the next time life gives you a shit sandwich, slather that puppy in ketchup and enjoy. They're on everyone's menu. Even at the fine dining halls at Harvard."
F*ck Feelings is the self-help book that is the antithesis to every SH book and shrink drivel and clichés you've ever read. And I f*cking (mostly) loved it!
4.5 stars
I've received this book via NetGalley. Many thanks to the publishers, Simon & Schuster, for the opportunity to read and review.
February 3, 2016
DNF at 45%
I really tried to finish this. I wanted to DNF it when I was about 20% but I forced myself to continue. This is as far as I could go though. My time is too precious to read something I'm not feeling.
The thing is, this is a self-help book, and I don't think this was a good time for me to read a self-help book. Meaning: I'm pretty okay with my life right now, so everything the book was telling me, I already knew. This is just a "bad timing" case. Maybe someday I'll grab this again, maybe not. We'll see.
Basically the 45% I read was this:
Life is unfair.
Life sucks.
Deal with it.
Self-steem is overrated.
Be happy with what you achieve.
You are not always in control.
Deal with it.
That's a pretty realistic view of the world if you ask me. Some people might say its pessimistic, but let's be honest. A realistic point of view is closer to pessimism than to optimism.
Anyways, that's how I have always seen life, so this book is no omg revelation to me. Or for anyone.
I really tried to finish this. I wanted to DNF it when I was about 20% but I forced myself to continue. This is as far as I could go though. My time is too precious to read something I'm not feeling.
The thing is, this is a self-help book, and I don't think this was a good time for me to read a self-help book. Meaning: I'm pretty okay with my life right now, so everything the book was telling me, I already knew. This is just a "bad timing" case. Maybe someday I'll grab this again, maybe not. We'll see.
Basically the 45% I read was this:
Life is unfair.
Life sucks.
Deal with it.
Self-steem is overrated.
Be happy with what you achieve.
You are not always in control.
Deal with it.
That's a pretty realistic view of the world if you ask me. Some people might say its pessimistic, but let's be honest. A realistic point of view is closer to pessimism than to optimism.
Anyways, that's how I have always seen life, so this book is no omg revelation to me. Or for anyone.
October 27, 2015
The things I loved about this book:
The down-to-earth practical advice.
The willingness to admit that some people are just assholes, and we have to learn to live with them.
The FANTASTIC chart about different therapy options.
Things I didn't like so well:
When I got this from the library, I thought it was more of a "philosophy of life" sort of self-help book. It's really not, though; the main over-arching idea is that you can't solve all the world's problems and neither can therapy, which is great. The book itself isn't really a good one to read from cover-to-cover, though, because it becomes a bit repetitive. If the general vibe of the book appeals, I'd recommend keeping it around as a reality check for life's little problems.
So, it's not a super engaging read. What really knocked a star off for me, though, was that there's some fairly not-awesome glibness that pops up occasionally. The sidebar on "dating a Borderline" rubbed me the wrong way because of the way it reduces a person with Borderline Personality Disorder to their illness, and because I felt it encouraged armchair diagnosis. All of the behaviors discussed could have just as easily slid nicely into the chapter on dealing with assholes, without stigmatizing a diagnosis that's already incredibly stigmatized. I also thought the commentary on what causes people to become abusive could have been skipped, for similar reasons.
Still, overall this was a nice antidote to self-help books that make it seem as though you are capable of solving all the problems, and if you can't, it must be your fault.
The down-to-earth practical advice.
The willingness to admit that some people are just assholes, and we have to learn to live with them.
The FANTASTIC chart about different therapy options.
Things I didn't like so well:
When I got this from the library, I thought it was more of a "philosophy of life" sort of self-help book. It's really not, though; the main over-arching idea is that you can't solve all the world's problems and neither can therapy, which is great. The book itself isn't really a good one to read from cover-to-cover, though, because it becomes a bit repetitive. If the general vibe of the book appeals, I'd recommend keeping it around as a reality check for life's little problems.
So, it's not a super engaging read. What really knocked a star off for me, though, was that there's some fairly not-awesome glibness that pops up occasionally. The sidebar on "dating a Borderline" rubbed me the wrong way because of the way it reduces a person with Borderline Personality Disorder to their illness, and because I felt it encouraged armchair diagnosis. All of the behaviors discussed could have just as easily slid nicely into the chapter on dealing with assholes, without stigmatizing a diagnosis that's already incredibly stigmatized. I also thought the commentary on what causes people to become abusive could have been skipped, for similar reasons.
Still, overall this was a nice antidote to self-help books that make it seem as though you are capable of solving all the problems, and if you can't, it must be your fault.
December 9, 2015
(I received an ARC of this title from the publisher via NetGalley, in exchange for an honest review.)
Life isn’t fair. I know this, you know this, but we still keep hoping that somehow the universe will work things out. But the universe really couldn’t give fewer fucks.
F*ck Feelings is a book about being realistic, about coming to terms with the fact that life isn’t fair, and realizing that, in the grand scheme of things, your personal feelings matter very little. This sounds pessimistic, and sometimes the book does border on a weird nihilism, but it is rather refreshing to read a self-help book that doesn’t try to shill a bright and shiny message that runs counter to the nature of the world. The premise is simple: some circumstances simply cannot be changed or improved, so rather than feeling constantly defeated by your inability to alter them, it’s better to learn how to deal with the negative feelings on a day-to-day basis. The two really terrible f-words in life are “fair” and “feelings,” and the reverence we have for them is delusional.
If the title didn’t tip you off, the book is intended to be both helpful and funny, and overall the writing is genuinely entertaining, while also being legitimately well researched and useful, which is no mean feat. There are a lot of notable passages (many of which I highlighted), but whether they are genuinely profound or just pleasant (but snarky) aphorisms is a tough call sometimes. The balance between the humorous presentation and the serious subject matter wavers from time to time, with one occasionally overcompensating for the other, but overall it keeps the tone fairly consistent. Some of the unevenness likely comes from the dual author set-up, in which a comedy writer “translates” her father’s psych and neuroscience findings through her particular Upright Citizen’s Brigade filter. It does read much better than most pop psychology books, which are generally either dully academic, or way too touchy-feely. It often fights back against the trend in psychotherapy that believes things can ultimately be fixed, or that feelings can be radically altered, which is refreshing.
But I did have a nagging concern that grew the more I read: when is a personal issue not just personal, but something systemic that really should be addressed, and when is “life is unfair” just an excuse to let the status quo roll on? Unfortunately, the book didn’t really answer that question. It consistently reminds people to “live up to your own personal values” while accepting certain unchangeable things, and frankly I don’t know what the fuck that really means. Often it felt like a cop out. If life is unfair, and my personal values are centered around making it just a little more fair for other people, isn’t the whole deal just counterproductive at that point? I don’t have an answer, and neither do the authors.
One of the other elements I struggled with was the template-based structure, which makes it very helpful as a reference guide, but repetitive and dull if you are reading it cover to cover. Each chapter is laid out identically, with a breakdown of the issue, what you can and can’t change, anonymous real world examples, and a “script” for dealing with other people (or your inner critic). The information is helpful, but also a bit truncated. And I’m pretty sure the script is just there to be funny.
As far as self-help books go, I would recommend this one to those who like their advice presented in a funny way, as well as injected with some legitimate neuroscience. But if you don’t want your idealism punctured, this one probably isn’t for you.
(Cross-posted at BookLikes:http://atroskity.booklikes.com/post/1...)
March 16, 2017
I only wish I had read this book sooner. A must for any overachiever to recognize the limits of what they can achieve in themselves, and more importantly, what they can expect in dealing with others. Especially in a time when you're made to feel that if you don't have everything you want it's a failure on your part of trying, instead of a fundamental disparity of expectation vs reality. Refreshing honesty that would be beneficial to anyone. Certainly better late than never.
September 20, 2015
Finally a "self-help" book that's realistic and not full of shit. This one accepts that assholes won't change and if you're going to not go bat-shit because of them, you need to accept that and move on. There are great lists throughout of things you WANT to change, things you CAN change, and how to do it. I'm seriously recommending this book left right and centre to people right now. And really, isn't that title perfect??
May 11, 2016
I am a huge, huge proponent of therapy. I think 99% of people would benefit from it, though I also tend to agree with Bennett's basic premise that people tend to look at therapy or self-help books as a means to solving every problem and achieving something perfect. Accepting your own limits is a huge step towards making peace with whatever issues you have. But this book is:
-Not funnyAnd so I did not find it particularly inspiring or meaningful in anyway. I guess that's not what Bennett's really going for, but it means that I didn't find the book particularly helpful, either.
-Repetitive
-In need of some kind of empirical support
September 30, 2015
I'm going to pretend I read the whole thing, since I maybe got through about a quarter of it by the time I realized that they were repeating the same thing over and over again. I am totally on board with the message, but the idea of reading about 50 more iterations of that message was too much for me.
December 2, 2017
This was a hugely frustrating read. There is some really great stuff in here about doing what needs to be done in spite of how you are feeling, stopping attempts to change other people, and being realistic in your expectations of yourself and others. I thought there were some gems in the chapter about assholes, particularly. And then it has a bunch of sexist stereotyping, terrible advice about seeking help, negative attitudes about life in general, and a sense of hopelessness. It annoyed me because the good information get lost in a bunch of crap.
December 5, 2016
Some basic common sense with a little sexist stereotyping and a revelation of how shrinks really are. I think this book confirms my theory that depressed people sometimes become psychologist or study psychology. And people love to gossip and talk about others. Only thing I agree with is F*ck feelings, and well I say love yourself, treat others how you want to be treated and if others treat you bad f*ck them... Just not literally.
September 9, 2021
I don't usually read self-help books because they're too positive and unrealistic. However, this book is. It tells you that sometimes, life sucks. And sometimes, you suck as a person and it's your fault for your actions… and here's what you can do to fix your situation.
I appreciate the honesty because it's true: sometimes life sucks and sometimes you suck.
Here's my book review on my channel for this realistically awesome book!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBH5H...
I appreciate the honesty because it's true: sometimes life sucks and sometimes you suck.
Here's my book review on my channel for this realistically awesome book!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBH5H...
June 26, 2019
Авторам этого бесконечно самоповторяющегося текста профессиональная помощь нужна вероятно значительно сильнее чем мне.
September 16, 2020
2.5 stars.
April 25, 2016
Life sucks and then you die.
But what you do about it in between those two events will make a difference to how you feel about that statement. Are you ready for straightforward advice about what you can change and what you can’t? If so, pick up F*ck Feelings and start figuring it out.
I expected to enjoy this book far more than I did. It is written by a psychiatrist father and his stand-up comedian daughter and while it definitely has its moments, I found myself skipping large portions of each chapter. Apparently the regular readers of self-help books require generous doses of repetition to drive home even the simplest point. I soon found myself by-passing their examples, the “quick diagnosis” sections, and the suggested scripts to make your intentions clear.
By and large, I found the advice dispensed to be highly sensible. Common sense really, which as several of my friends like to remind me, is not all that common. I do find myself thinking about the warning that if brain wiring or brain chemistry are working against you, all the struggle in the world may not get you anywhere. In situations like these, it may be best to just find a way to cope with the way you are wired and move along.
Also sensible: you can only be responsible for your own behaviour. Trying to control other people is an exercise in futility. Decide if the person you are trying to change is someone that you can live with just the way they are or whether you are best off backing away from the relationship. If you decide to disengage, back away slowly and quietly, not making a big deal about it. In other words, just fade out.
Plus, don’t ask questions that you don’t want the answer to. Bugging a quiet person for more input is likely to produce information that you didn’t want to know. Sometimes, silence really is golden.
And yes, Assholes exist in the world. Just about everybody knows at least one. You can’t change them either. Do the fade out if possible, but if they are a permanent fixture in your life (i.e. a co-worker) then you are wise to not engage them in any sort of warfare. Ignore them to the best of your ability and do your own work. Drama accomplishes nothing.
Basically, stuff that I can’t believe that people need a psychiatrist to tell them. I did appreciate that Dr. Bennett did say that therapy is only recommended if you have a specific issue that you want to deal with and only for as long as it takes to deal with it. Don’t waste your money on messy, nonspecific therapy where you just muck about in the past “seeking insights.” That kind of muddy groping about for that “je ne sais quois” can actually make you less happy, more confused, and can even cause harm.
If there is someone in your life who still hasn’t figured out the basics of life, this book might be helpful for them (unless they’re an Asshole, but you know that). Not entertaining enough for the rest of us. Give it a pass if you’re basically happy with your life and aren’t really into the self-help genre.
But what you do about it in between those two events will make a difference to how you feel about that statement. Are you ready for straightforward advice about what you can change and what you can’t? If so, pick up F*ck Feelings and start figuring it out.
I expected to enjoy this book far more than I did. It is written by a psychiatrist father and his stand-up comedian daughter and while it definitely has its moments, I found myself skipping large portions of each chapter. Apparently the regular readers of self-help books require generous doses of repetition to drive home even the simplest point. I soon found myself by-passing their examples, the “quick diagnosis” sections, and the suggested scripts to make your intentions clear.
By and large, I found the advice dispensed to be highly sensible. Common sense really, which as several of my friends like to remind me, is not all that common. I do find myself thinking about the warning that if brain wiring or brain chemistry are working against you, all the struggle in the world may not get you anywhere. In situations like these, it may be best to just find a way to cope with the way you are wired and move along.
Also sensible: you can only be responsible for your own behaviour. Trying to control other people is an exercise in futility. Decide if the person you are trying to change is someone that you can live with just the way they are or whether you are best off backing away from the relationship. If you decide to disengage, back away slowly and quietly, not making a big deal about it. In other words, just fade out.
Plus, don’t ask questions that you don’t want the answer to. Bugging a quiet person for more input is likely to produce information that you didn’t want to know. Sometimes, silence really is golden.
And yes, Assholes exist in the world. Just about everybody knows at least one. You can’t change them either. Do the fade out if possible, but if they are a permanent fixture in your life (i.e. a co-worker) then you are wise to not engage them in any sort of warfare. Ignore them to the best of your ability and do your own work. Drama accomplishes nothing.
Basically, stuff that I can’t believe that people need a psychiatrist to tell them. I did appreciate that Dr. Bennett did say that therapy is only recommended if you have a specific issue that you want to deal with and only for as long as it takes to deal with it. Don’t waste your money on messy, nonspecific therapy where you just muck about in the past “seeking insights.” That kind of muddy groping about for that “je ne sais quois” can actually make you less happy, more confused, and can even cause harm.
If there is someone in your life who still hasn’t figured out the basics of life, this book might be helpful for them (unless they’re an Asshole, but you know that). Not entertaining enough for the rest of us. Give it a pass if you’re basically happy with your life and aren’t really into the self-help genre.
October 10, 2015
Hands down the best self help book out there, and I have read many. (My friends ask me if all the self help books actually help. I guess not if they can't see the new improved me). This book is very different, very funny but rich with insight. Yes, the authors do use bad words, not unexpected given the title. I absolutely love this book. However if you're a fan of "The Secret," better skip this, it definitely not for law of attraction fans.
January 8, 2020
Like the author, I too am a psychiatrist. I trained as a general psychiatrist, and completed further training to become a child and adolescent psychiatrist. I received training in psychoanalytic, psychodynamic, cognitive behavioral, family systems-oriented, and play therapies. I prescribe psychotropic medication and conduct psychotherapy - with individuals and families. I have been in practice since 1991.
I also have been and still am involved in my own psychotherapy. So, in addition to being "the treater, " I also know what it feels like to be "the patient."
GOOD points I heard made in this book:
1. As we seek to make changes in our lives, we need to be careful about our expectations. Our goals for change need to be realistic. We also need to be supportive toward ourselves as we seek to change. Unrealistic goals quickly lead to frustration and discouragement.
2. In working towards our goals, it usually is more helpful to focus on small (baby) steps and on our day-to-day _effort_ rather than on the LONG-TERM goal (perfection). We need to be ESPECIALLY mindful of times when we BLAME or otherwise fuss (UNhelpfully) at ourselves. This ADDS to our pain and distracts us from "doing the work."
3. While understanding the "why" of our problems can be very helpful, it is possible to become STUCK seeking insight, while not taking more practical steps to change. For example, a person may never understand fully why he or she procrastinates. Change can occur, though, with some practical, behaviorally oriented measures.
Okay.
Those are the good points.
Here are some points I would like to make:
1. BEWARE of simplistic answers.
Beware of people who repeatedly tell you, "All you need to do is [ insert their simplistic answer here ]." I have always reassured my patients – and myself – that if answers to life problems were easy, I would not have a job.
2. BEWARE of people who speak in "all or nothing" terms. BEWARE of sweeeeeping generalizations (e.g. "Fuck Feelings"). In mental health treatment, ALL treatment modalities can be considered. ALL may be useful, depending on the individual circumstances.
3. There ARE times to focus LESS on "why" we do something and MORE on "how" to do "what" we should be doing differently.
Focusing on BEHAVIOR is important and should not be excluded in favor of ONLY focusing on insight.
4. (SEE #'s 1 and 2)
Any approach that is dogmatic and inflexible is going to be less effective.
"FUCK BEHAVIORAL TREATMENT" would be a similarly UNHELPFUL (and clinically unsound) approach.
But "feelings" and "insight" and all those more complicated parts of treatment and change HAVE THEIR PLACE
(see #1) How many people struggling with weight, for instance, have been told by some well intentioned (or smug) dumbass "Well it's EASY to lose weight! . . . Just don't EAT so much!"?
"Gee THANKS (dumbass). . . I NEVER would have thought of THAT on my own! You have changed my life."
5. We DO need to have the right "attitude" as we seek to change. Another thing I've realized: I also wouldn't have a job if beating on ourselves helped us change. I frequently have reminded patients that, "If fussing and berating yourself were going to have helped, you wouldn't be here now."
6. We never stop growing up. The older I get, The more I realize this. I see colleagues who are 10 and 20 years older than I am, who have as much or more training in MENTAL health treatment than I do – who STILL are struggling with problems CLEARLY rooted in their early life experiences.
GOOD NEWS: We CAN change.
REMINDER: Changing who we are - whether learning a language or changing the way we live - takes WORK. The amount and complexity of the work depends on the nature of the problem. But, from one perspective, all problems – whether relatively easy or terribly complicated – can be broken down into more manageable steps.
Change (usually) occurs gradually - like when you become aware that the season has changed.
We can learn to see progress in SMALL steps taken
I believe we can learn to see the STRUGGLE as positive - as a SIGN of progress - instead of something to be endured until we reach perfection
DO NOT be afraid to get help
As Dr Bennett describes, regularly assess (calmly, non-judgmentally) your "treatment plan" and your progress, being open to reasonable changes in that if indicated
BEWARE of simplistic, grandiose "advice" (frequently unsolicited) from people who may not KNOW the details of your struggles and what approaches might work best for YOU
Finally, "FUCK FEELINGS" may be a clever, SHOCKING title to get people's attention. As an overall approach to treatment or as a way to live, I would never suggest it. There are many many good books in the world about making changes in our lives. This one, in my opinion, AIN'T one of those.
P.S.
After I post this review, I am going to obsess about whether I made some silly typographical error, or whether I made each of my points "perfectly."
FROM AN INSIGHT-ORIENTED PERSPECTIVE: I know that this is a problem of mine. I understand some of the "roots" of this way of thinking. That insight has helped me be less perfectionistic and less rigid. I'm still pretty darn compulsive though, and that's why I know that I probably won't fret about this.
BUT! THAT'S OK! It's who I am. I have learned to laugh at myself – and I have plenty of friends who love to laugh AT ME for being so compulsive.
FROM A COGNITIVE-BEHAVIORAL PERSPECTIVE:
I'm ACTUALLY POSTING and talking about my fear of having made an error. I've checked the post and going to not check it again. I'm going to reassure myself, "It's good enough. PRACTICE 'letting go' and don't hafta go check it . . . again."
(See what I did there? 😎)
1/8/2020 . . . OK. So maybe I just fixed a couple of typos.
🤷🏻♂️
I also have been and still am involved in my own psychotherapy. So, in addition to being "the treater, " I also know what it feels like to be "the patient."
GOOD points I heard made in this book:
1. As we seek to make changes in our lives, we need to be careful about our expectations. Our goals for change need to be realistic. We also need to be supportive toward ourselves as we seek to change. Unrealistic goals quickly lead to frustration and discouragement.
2. In working towards our goals, it usually is more helpful to focus on small (baby) steps and on our day-to-day _effort_ rather than on the LONG-TERM goal (perfection). We need to be ESPECIALLY mindful of times when we BLAME or otherwise fuss (UNhelpfully) at ourselves. This ADDS to our pain and distracts us from "doing the work."
3. While understanding the "why" of our problems can be very helpful, it is possible to become STUCK seeking insight, while not taking more practical steps to change. For example, a person may never understand fully why he or she procrastinates. Change can occur, though, with some practical, behaviorally oriented measures.
Okay.
Those are the good points.
Here are some points I would like to make:
1. BEWARE of simplistic answers.
Beware of people who repeatedly tell you, "All you need to do is [ insert their simplistic answer here ]." I have always reassured my patients – and myself – that if answers to life problems were easy, I would not have a job.
2. BEWARE of people who speak in "all or nothing" terms. BEWARE of sweeeeeping generalizations (e.g. "Fuck Feelings"). In mental health treatment, ALL treatment modalities can be considered. ALL may be useful, depending on the individual circumstances.
3. There ARE times to focus LESS on "why" we do something and MORE on "how" to do "what" we should be doing differently.
Focusing on BEHAVIOR is important and should not be excluded in favor of ONLY focusing on insight.
4. (SEE #'s 1 and 2)
Any approach that is dogmatic and inflexible is going to be less effective.
"FUCK BEHAVIORAL TREATMENT" would be a similarly UNHELPFUL (and clinically unsound) approach.
But "feelings" and "insight" and all those more complicated parts of treatment and change HAVE THEIR PLACE
(see #1) How many people struggling with weight, for instance, have been told by some well intentioned (or smug) dumbass "Well it's EASY to lose weight! . . . Just don't EAT so much!"?
"Gee THANKS (dumbass). . . I NEVER would have thought of THAT on my own! You have changed my life."
5. We DO need to have the right "attitude" as we seek to change. Another thing I've realized: I also wouldn't have a job if beating on ourselves helped us change. I frequently have reminded patients that, "If fussing and berating yourself were going to have helped, you wouldn't be here now."
6. We never stop growing up. The older I get, The more I realize this. I see colleagues who are 10 and 20 years older than I am, who have as much or more training in MENTAL health treatment than I do – who STILL are struggling with problems CLEARLY rooted in their early life experiences.
GOOD NEWS: We CAN change.
REMINDER: Changing who we are - whether learning a language or changing the way we live - takes WORK. The amount and complexity of the work depends on the nature of the problem. But, from one perspective, all problems – whether relatively easy or terribly complicated – can be broken down into more manageable steps.
Change (usually) occurs gradually - like when you become aware that the season has changed.
We can learn to see progress in SMALL steps taken
I believe we can learn to see the STRUGGLE as positive - as a SIGN of progress - instead of something to be endured until we reach perfection
DO NOT be afraid to get help
As Dr Bennett describes, regularly assess (calmly, non-judgmentally) your "treatment plan" and your progress, being open to reasonable changes in that if indicated
BEWARE of simplistic, grandiose "advice" (frequently unsolicited) from people who may not KNOW the details of your struggles and what approaches might work best for YOU
Finally, "FUCK FEELINGS" may be a clever, SHOCKING title to get people's attention. As an overall approach to treatment or as a way to live, I would never suggest it. There are many many good books in the world about making changes in our lives. This one, in my opinion, AIN'T one of those.
P.S.
After I post this review, I am going to obsess about whether I made some silly typographical error, or whether I made each of my points "perfectly."
FROM AN INSIGHT-ORIENTED PERSPECTIVE: I know that this is a problem of mine. I understand some of the "roots" of this way of thinking. That insight has helped me be less perfectionistic and less rigid. I'm still pretty darn compulsive though, and that's why I know that I probably won't fret about this.
BUT! THAT'S OK! It's who I am. I have learned to laugh at myself – and I have plenty of friends who love to laugh AT ME for being so compulsive.
FROM A COGNITIVE-BEHAVIORAL PERSPECTIVE:
I'm ACTUALLY POSTING and talking about my fear of having made an error. I've checked the post and going to not check it again. I'm going to reassure myself, "It's good enough. PRACTICE 'letting go' and don't hafta go check it . . . again."
(See what I did there? 😎)
1/8/2020 . . . OK. So maybe I just fixed a couple of typos.
🤷🏻♂️
Read
November 28, 2015(No star rating, since a whole lot of skimming was involved after reading the first two chapters.)
I started this book, then was struck by the growing realization that it was not intended for me, at least at this point in my life. While severely introverted, my life is reasonably under control in regard to work, marriage, parenting, etc. I read self-improvement books because I have this incurable desire to be Captain America, and to progress from "reasonably good" to "totally awesome."
This is not the book for that. This is the book for someone who needs to go from "complete fuckwit" to "person that others don't want to kill within 30 seconds of meeting them," or for a person who's life is seriously in the toilet and they need to figure out how to reframe, and to deal with crap and crap-infested people.
All that said, I didn't actually care for the tone. The "f*ck -----" titles and attitude throughout just felt gimmicky and unhelpful. There's good advice here if you need it (learn how to separate what you can control from what you can't, work harder on what you can, learn to live with what you can't), but I'm not sure the daughter's comedy writing was doing a whole lot to help the father's psychiatric advice.
I started this book, then was struck by the growing realization that it was not intended for me, at least at this point in my life. While severely introverted, my life is reasonably under control in regard to work, marriage, parenting, etc. I read self-improvement books because I have this incurable desire to be Captain America, and to progress from "reasonably good" to "totally awesome."
This is not the book for that. This is the book for someone who needs to go from "complete fuckwit" to "person that others don't want to kill within 30 seconds of meeting them," or for a person who's life is seriously in the toilet and they need to figure out how to reframe, and to deal with crap and crap-infested people.
All that said, I didn't actually care for the tone. The "f*ck -----" titles and attitude throughout just felt gimmicky and unhelpful. There's good advice here if you need it (learn how to separate what you can control from what you can't, work harder on what you can, learn to live with what you can't), but I'm not sure the daughter's comedy writing was doing a whole lot to help the father's psychiatric advice.
March 25, 2016
F*ck this book
Okay, while I agree with some of the ideas mentioned in this book - namely the promotion of a realistic/pragmatic approach that reduces the chances of disappointment - overall, I found it a very pessimistic right-wing, nature-over-nurture sort of speech, which constantly conveys the message that "life sucks, there's not much you can do about it, so just respect yourself for your efforts but, ultimately, you'll just have to suck it up".
By now, there is plenty of evidence that people's behaviour is very much influenced by context and therefore, yes, you can improve your life a lot by changing your circumstances and/or by actually trying to act differently, even if it's all done in baby steps.
Other than that, I have to say I enjoyed the presentation of the content, which was done with sense of humour, in a clear, bullshit-free way.
Okay, while I agree with some of the ideas mentioned in this book - namely the promotion of a realistic/pragmatic approach that reduces the chances of disappointment - overall, I found it a very pessimistic right-wing, nature-over-nurture sort of speech, which constantly conveys the message that "life sucks, there's not much you can do about it, so just respect yourself for your efforts but, ultimately, you'll just have to suck it up".
By now, there is plenty of evidence that people's behaviour is very much influenced by context and therefore, yes, you can improve your life a lot by changing your circumstances and/or by actually trying to act differently, even if it's all done in baby steps.
Other than that, I have to say I enjoyed the presentation of the content, which was done with sense of humour, in a clear, bullshit-free way.
September 27, 2015
Hilarious, smart and compassionate with excellent, concrete advice on how to be a decent person--or at least try--when faced with impossible problems.
October 27, 2015
Posted here: book review: F*ck Feelings | ENTERTAINMENT REALM
http://entertainmentrealm.com/2015/09...
It is what it is. Don't worry, be happy. Go with the flow. Life sucks and then you die. You can't always get what you want (but if you try sometimes you might get what you need). Go with the flow. Let it go. These might be cliches but they're all truisms about how challenging, unpredictable and unfair life can be and that sometimes we need to just accept the bad to be able to save space to embrace the good.
"F*ck Feekings explains that, in most cases, you have not failed and do not need to try harder or wait longer for improvement to begin; instead, you need to accept that life is hard and your frustrated efforts are a valuable guide to identifying what you can't change."
Turns out that emotions are just that. Mindfulness is a good thing and you can only tweak and improve yourself and what makes you happy. You can't change or j fluency those around you. Shit happens and the best you can do is keep your mind and body healthy and sometimes just stay quiet when you don't want to or just go with something as uncomfortable as if might be at the time.
Through chapters on self-improvement, self-esteem, fairness, helpfulness, serenity, love, communication, parenthood, assholes and treatment, Dr. Michael Bennett and his comedy writer daughter Sarah Bennett approach this topics using honesty, humor and sensible solutions. They provide examples. They list what you want and can't have, what you can actually aim to achieve and how to get it done. Quite useful tips. This is the most refreshing and useful self-help book I've read in some time.
On self-improvement:
"Instead of trying to figure out your problem, use your best tools for managing it, be they finding a rehab program, an organizational coach, or a group of girlfriends whose opinions on jerks you trust."
On self-esteem:
"So while it's certainly worthwhile to try to develop your talents and seek fulfillment, it's dangerous to say you should be able to make it happen and thus make yourself responsible for producing a solution you don't control.
Instead accept the fact that sometimes you can't and won't feel good about yourself. That's no reason, however, for stopping yourself from doing good things and writing off your feelings of low self-esteem as an unimportant by-product of a hard life, perfectionism, or subpar personal equipment."
on serenity:
"Unfortunately, some people don't recover from loss, even when they get lots of support and work hard to move on. It may be that loss triggers an innate vulnerability to depression, their personalities are unusually loss-sensitive, or they lack the ability to control destructive impulses. Again, it sounds sappy, but not every broken bone or heart is guaranteed to mend."
on love:
"Again and again, you have to face the fact that someone you love can't love you back, or you can't find someone to love when that's what you want and need. Failed love almost always feels like a personal failure... If you're extra careful and selective about loving and being loved, you'll probably find yourself spending more time feeling lonely."
on communication:
"Unfortunately, however, many problems do not, in actuality, represent a failure to communicate. Rather, they arise from differences in character, culture, or values, and communicating these differences is a bad way to bridge gaps and a good way to cause disagreements."
Michael Bennett, MD and Sarah Bennett will be at Brookline Booksmith on Tuesday, September 29 at 7pm.
http://entertainmentrealm.com/2015/09...
It is what it is. Don't worry, be happy. Go with the flow. Life sucks and then you die. You can't always get what you want (but if you try sometimes you might get what you need). Go with the flow. Let it go. These might be cliches but they're all truisms about how challenging, unpredictable and unfair life can be and that sometimes we need to just accept the bad to be able to save space to embrace the good.
"F*ck Feekings explains that, in most cases, you have not failed and do not need to try harder or wait longer for improvement to begin; instead, you need to accept that life is hard and your frustrated efforts are a valuable guide to identifying what you can't change."
Turns out that emotions are just that. Mindfulness is a good thing and you can only tweak and improve yourself and what makes you happy. You can't change or j fluency those around you. Shit happens and the best you can do is keep your mind and body healthy and sometimes just stay quiet when you don't want to or just go with something as uncomfortable as if might be at the time.
Through chapters on self-improvement, self-esteem, fairness, helpfulness, serenity, love, communication, parenthood, assholes and treatment, Dr. Michael Bennett and his comedy writer daughter Sarah Bennett approach this topics using honesty, humor and sensible solutions. They provide examples. They list what you want and can't have, what you can actually aim to achieve and how to get it done. Quite useful tips. This is the most refreshing and useful self-help book I've read in some time.
On self-improvement:
"Instead of trying to figure out your problem, use your best tools for managing it, be they finding a rehab program, an organizational coach, or a group of girlfriends whose opinions on jerks you trust."
On self-esteem:
"So while it's certainly worthwhile to try to develop your talents and seek fulfillment, it's dangerous to say you should be able to make it happen and thus make yourself responsible for producing a solution you don't control.
Instead accept the fact that sometimes you can't and won't feel good about yourself. That's no reason, however, for stopping yourself from doing good things and writing off your feelings of low self-esteem as an unimportant by-product of a hard life, perfectionism, or subpar personal equipment."
on serenity:
"Unfortunately, some people don't recover from loss, even when they get lots of support and work hard to move on. It may be that loss triggers an innate vulnerability to depression, their personalities are unusually loss-sensitive, or they lack the ability to control destructive impulses. Again, it sounds sappy, but not every broken bone or heart is guaranteed to mend."
on love:
"Again and again, you have to face the fact that someone you love can't love you back, or you can't find someone to love when that's what you want and need. Failed love almost always feels like a personal failure... If you're extra careful and selective about loving and being loved, you'll probably find yourself spending more time feeling lonely."
on communication:
"Unfortunately, however, many problems do not, in actuality, represent a failure to communicate. Rather, they arise from differences in character, culture, or values, and communicating these differences is a bad way to bridge gaps and a good way to cause disagreements."
Michael Bennett, MD and Sarah Bennett will be at Brookline Booksmith on Tuesday, September 29 at 7pm.
February 16, 2016
Remember that there's no such thing as "fair," feelings are stupid, life is hard... and you're going to be relatively okay, even if you won't be happy, because your goals are realistic and your efforts to reach those goals will make you proud. Then, the next time life gives you a shit sandwich, slather that puppy in ketchup and enjoy. They're on everyone's menu. Even at the fine dining halls at Harvard.
I am not a self-help book reader. However, this caught my eye at the library. It could have been the brightly colored cover or my favorite word splashed in the title & throughout the pages. It sounded funny & yet useful. I needed this, after one of my bad anxiety weeks. I read this mostly in one sitting after midnight.
It was such an easy, straightforward read. Super funny at times, too! However, the formula got tiresome after awhile.
I did find some meaningful sections that reminded me that I am doing the best I can with the tools I have acquired over the years, dealing with depression & anxiety. I especially appreciated the sections on anxiety, childhood abuse, facing fear, parenthood & assholes.
Your primary goal is not to get rid of negative feelings and feel better, but to block them from controlling your behavior while you continue to act like a decent person.
(Reading challenge: A book with a yellow cover)
I am not a self-help book reader. However, this caught my eye at the library. It could have been the brightly colored cover or my favorite word splashed in the title & throughout the pages. It sounded funny & yet useful. I needed this, after one of my bad anxiety weeks. I read this mostly in one sitting after midnight.
It was such an easy, straightforward read. Super funny at times, too! However, the formula got tiresome after awhile.
I did find some meaningful sections that reminded me that I am doing the best I can with the tools I have acquired over the years, dealing with depression & anxiety. I especially appreciated the sections on anxiety, childhood abuse, facing fear, parenthood & assholes.
Your primary goal is not to get rid of negative feelings and feel better, but to block them from controlling your behavior while you continue to act like a decent person.
(Reading challenge: A book with a yellow cover)
January 31, 2016
The main point of this is that people should not expect too much of self-improvement methods and mental health treatment. People should lower their expectations and just learn to accept and settle for what they have; people should just do the best they can and be okay with it.
The chapters are: Fuck Self-Improvement, Fuck Self-Esteem, Fuck Fairness, Fuck Helpfulness, Fuck Serenity, Fuck Love, Fuck Communication, Fuck Parenthood, Fuck Assholes and Fuck Treatment; and then the author rounds it out with Fuck Me (meaning the author). The last chapter made the most sense to me. I think this book is a very lazy presentation of the author's beliefs, based on his work as a psychiatrist. Maybe because he has degrees from Harvard College and Harvard Medical School, he thinks he possesses some kind of authority about how people should live their lives.
It's true that self-help books and therapists don't have all the answers. People also look for guidance from literature, philosophy and religion. But that's no reason to sarcastically and rudely denigrate people who give and take advise about self-improvement. A whole chapter devoted to "Fuck Love"? Dude, that's harsh.
The chapters are: Fuck Self-Improvement, Fuck Self-Esteem, Fuck Fairness, Fuck Helpfulness, Fuck Serenity, Fuck Love, Fuck Communication, Fuck Parenthood, Fuck Assholes and Fuck Treatment; and then the author rounds it out with Fuck Me (meaning the author). The last chapter made the most sense to me. I think this book is a very lazy presentation of the author's beliefs, based on his work as a psychiatrist. Maybe because he has degrees from Harvard College and Harvard Medical School, he thinks he possesses some kind of authority about how people should live their lives.
It's true that self-help books and therapists don't have all the answers. People also look for guidance from literature, philosophy and religion. But that's no reason to sarcastically and rudely denigrate people who give and take advise about self-improvement. A whole chapter devoted to "Fuck Love"? Dude, that's harsh.
February 10, 2016
I started out thinking I would love this book, which is a no nonsense, tell it like it is book about solving your emotional issues. At first I enjoyed the fictional case studies and the idea of what you can and cannot change. It is true that people waste a lot of time trying to understand their problems rather than work on solutions.
As I moved from chapter to chapter however, it dawned on me that the book was incredibly jaded and seems to take the approach that their if very little, if anything you can do for yourself to make your life better. The fact that the author hired his daughter to inject humor into painful scenarios made the book kind of insulting.
At one part of the book he tells people: What you wish you had and can't have
and the list includes: Having a lover, having a friend, having the ability to do something well, feeling a sense of accomplishment. Is he serious? What if a young person or teenager was reading that they would never in their life have a friend or lover or accomplish anything?
He also gives a tongue in cheek review of psychiatric methods and even discusses the pros and cons of lobotomies which is really not that amusing.
As I moved from chapter to chapter however, it dawned on me that the book was incredibly jaded and seems to take the approach that their if very little, if anything you can do for yourself to make your life better. The fact that the author hired his daughter to inject humor into painful scenarios made the book kind of insulting.
At one part of the book he tells people: What you wish you had and can't have
and the list includes: Having a lover, having a friend, having the ability to do something well, feeling a sense of accomplishment. Is he serious? What if a young person or teenager was reading that they would never in their life have a friend or lover or accomplish anything?
He also gives a tongue in cheek review of psychiatric methods and even discusses the pros and cons of lobotomies which is really not that amusing.
January 9, 2016
Good, practical, logical approach to trying to keep your poop in a group and thankfully not an all touchy-feely-let's-all-just-self-actualize-ourselves-to-mental-health book. That said, I agree with another reviewer who stated that this is not a sit and read it book. Although it is interesting and very funny, it is more of a dip your ladle in when you need some practical advice book.
August 20, 2017
couldn't finish this book. it became very repetitive and the humor annoying... almost as if it is disrespecting and disregarding of some mental illnesses. although, it does feel like a constant friend telling you: "get over it. accept it. you can't help anyone but yourself."
June 1, 2016
An anti self-help full of good, practical advice delivered with cheeky humor.
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