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How to Make a Life: A Tibetan Refugee Family and the Midwestern Woman They Adopted
An immigration story of crossing cultural bridges and finding family.
When Madeline Uraneck said hello to the Tibetan woman cleaning her office cubicle, she never imagined the moment would change her life. After learning that Tenzin Kalsang had left her husband and four children behind in a Tibetan refugee settlement in India to try to forge a better life for them, Madeline took on the task of helping her apply for US visas. When the family reunited in their new Midwestern home, Madeline became swept up in their lives, from homework and soccer games to family dinners and shared holiday traditions. By reaching out, she found more than she bargained for—a family who welcomed her as their own and taught her more than she offered them.
An evocative blend of immersion journalism and memoir, How to Make a Life shares the immigration story of a Tibetan refugee family who crossed real and cultural bridges to make a life in Madison, Wisconsin, with the assistance of the Midwestern woman they befriended. From tales of escaping Tibet over the Himalayas, to striking a balance between old traditions with new, to bridging divides one friendly gesture at a time, readers will expand their understanding of family, culture, and belonging.
When Madeline Uraneck said hello to the Tibetan woman cleaning her office cubicle, she never imagined the moment would change her life. After learning that Tenzin Kalsang had left her husband and four children behind in a Tibetan refugee settlement in India to try to forge a better life for them, Madeline took on the task of helping her apply for US visas. When the family reunited in their new Midwestern home, Madeline became swept up in their lives, from homework and soccer games to family dinners and shared holiday traditions. By reaching out, she found more than she bargained for—a family who welcomed her as their own and taught her more than she offered them.
An evocative blend of immersion journalism and memoir, How to Make a Life shares the immigration story of a Tibetan refugee family who crossed real and cultural bridges to make a life in Madison, Wisconsin, with the assistance of the Midwestern woman they befriended. From tales of escaping Tibet over the Himalayas, to striking a balance between old traditions with new, to bridging divides one friendly gesture at a time, readers will expand their understanding of family, culture, and belonging.
208 pages, Paperback
Published April 25, 2018
About the author
Madeline Uraneck
2 books4 followersA child of the midwest (born Texas, raised Oklahoma, college Iowa, grad school Wisconsin), Madeline somehow found herself traipsing through 64 countries, via various jobs and her love of cultural exploration. Her work included teaching folk dance, working for public radio, and training teachers for assignments abroad. At age 59, she accepted her first Peace Corps assignment to southern Africa (Lesotho) and after that worked for the US Peace Corps as staff in Central Asia. Her most profound travel experience came in her hometown of Madison, Wisconsin, however, when she met an office cleaning woman who introduced her to Tibetan traditions, social justice issues, and a family living in multiple continents. Travel does not always require an airline ticket.
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Displaying 1 - 25 of 25 reviews
May 16, 2018
For those of us who know Madeline Uraneck, that she has written a book comes as no surprise. She was always the fearless adventurer, while her friends at home wondered, "Where is she this time and when is she going to write a book?" Here came the book, and to my surprise it wasn't about Lesotho, Turkmenistan, Japan, Sweden, or Poland! From time to time over the past few years Madeline would refer to her "Tibetan family" in passing, and I would nod and smile -- Madeline has many friends -- with no idea about the depth of the relationship she had developed with Tenzin Kalsang and her family.
It was 1994 when Madeline first met Tenzin Kalsang, a recent immigrant, part of a Tibetan resettlement program, cleaning the large office building in which she (Madeline) worked. The short story is, they struck up a conversation and over time developed a friendship. Madeline assisted Tenzin when the time came to bring her husband and four children to join her in the US, becoming an integral part of their family life.
There is more to it, however. Many of us consider ourselves open-minded when it comes to cross-cultural relationships. We embrace diversity, welcome immigrants, and sometimes reach out to people who are different from us. And that is where it stops for most of us. How to Make a Life is about stepping out of one’s comfort zone and truly connecting with another person on a deeper level. In a situation like this there are so many barriers: language, culture, economic disparities, class, religion … both Madeline Uraneck and Tenzin Kalsang did something extraordinary in kindling, and then maintaining, this friendship.
How To Make a Life is written with warmth, humor, and a large dose of humility. It was not always easy; Madeline is forthcoming and self-deprecating when it comes to her early assumptions about “saving” this family, her missteps in parenting Tenzin’s teenaged children, and other stumbling blocks along the way. What shines through this memoir is that there are riches to be found if one is open to them. Mirrors and windows.
I highly recommend this book.
It was 1994 when Madeline first met Tenzin Kalsang, a recent immigrant, part of a Tibetan resettlement program, cleaning the large office building in which she (Madeline) worked. The short story is, they struck up a conversation and over time developed a friendship. Madeline assisted Tenzin when the time came to bring her husband and four children to join her in the US, becoming an integral part of their family life.
There is more to it, however. Many of us consider ourselves open-minded when it comes to cross-cultural relationships. We embrace diversity, welcome immigrants, and sometimes reach out to people who are different from us. And that is where it stops for most of us. How to Make a Life is about stepping out of one’s comfort zone and truly connecting with another person on a deeper level. In a situation like this there are so many barriers: language, culture, economic disparities, class, religion … both Madeline Uraneck and Tenzin Kalsang did something extraordinary in kindling, and then maintaining, this friendship.
How To Make a Life is written with warmth, humor, and a large dose of humility. It was not always easy; Madeline is forthcoming and self-deprecating when it comes to her early assumptions about “saving” this family, her missteps in parenting Tenzin’s teenaged children, and other stumbling blocks along the way. What shines through this memoir is that there are riches to be found if one is open to them. Mirrors and windows.
I highly recommend this book.
April 5, 2019
How to Make a Life
A Tibetan Refugee Family and the Midwestern Woman They Adopted
by J. E. Pinto
This book by Madeline Uraneck, available in Kindle and paperback formats from Amazon, starts out amazing and then stumbles a bit. The stories of Tenzin and Migmar as they flee from Tibet and build lives for themselves and their children, first in the refugee camps of India and then in Madison, Wisconsin, are fascinating. They have caused me to examine some of the American traditions I've grown up with and analyze what parts of them--take Christmas, for example--are important to me and what parts I've clung to for the sake of mere consistency.
The anecdotes about the teenagers adapting to life in the United States as first generation Tibetan-Americans are intriguing. There are also detailed descriptions of ethnic Tibetan, Indian, and Nepalese food, clothing, family celebrations, and religious ceremonies.
The book gets problematic for me when the author inserts herself into the story. She meets the Tibetan immigrant who cleans her office cubicle, and so begins what seems to be a relationship where the American woman is the savior and the director of all. At least the author freely admits she swept in like a know-it-all and that in the end, she learned more than she ever taught. But throughout much of the book, it feels as if there's a tug-of-war going on between manifest destiny and cultural appreciation, between American supremacy and global diversity.
Yet maybe that tug-of-war is the lesson. Maybe we need to have the hard conversations and the tough interactions before we can reach common understandings. If Tenzin and Migmar and their children can sweep well-meaning, big-hearted, blustery Madeline into their busy, loving Tibetan-American family, flaws and all, as they assimilate into their new culture, and if Madeline can recognize her bossy tendencies amid her good intentions--well, perhaps world peace is within our grasp, one small compromise at a time.
A Tibetan Refugee Family and the Midwestern Woman They Adopted
by J. E. Pinto
This book by Madeline Uraneck, available in Kindle and paperback formats from Amazon, starts out amazing and then stumbles a bit. The stories of Tenzin and Migmar as they flee from Tibet and build lives for themselves and their children, first in the refugee camps of India and then in Madison, Wisconsin, are fascinating. They have caused me to examine some of the American traditions I've grown up with and analyze what parts of them--take Christmas, for example--are important to me and what parts I've clung to for the sake of mere consistency.
The anecdotes about the teenagers adapting to life in the United States as first generation Tibetan-Americans are intriguing. There are also detailed descriptions of ethnic Tibetan, Indian, and Nepalese food, clothing, family celebrations, and religious ceremonies.
The book gets problematic for me when the author inserts herself into the story. She meets the Tibetan immigrant who cleans her office cubicle, and so begins what seems to be a relationship where the American woman is the savior and the director of all. At least the author freely admits she swept in like a know-it-all and that in the end, she learned more than she ever taught. But throughout much of the book, it feels as if there's a tug-of-war going on between manifest destiny and cultural appreciation, between American supremacy and global diversity.
Yet maybe that tug-of-war is the lesson. Maybe we need to have the hard conversations and the tough interactions before we can reach common understandings. If Tenzin and Migmar and their children can sweep well-meaning, big-hearted, blustery Madeline into their busy, loving Tibetan-American family, flaws and all, as they assimilate into their new culture, and if Madeline can recognize her bossy tendencies amid her good intentions--well, perhaps world peace is within our grasp, one small compromise at a time.
September 18, 2018
The Meddler and the Stoic
I first read Madeline Uraneck’s memoir/anthropology field study, “How to Make a Life”, several months ago, when it was newly-released. I think it took me a day and a night to finish, and I was sad when I reached the last page. It’s written in a straightforward, accessible style, the story is engaging, and I didn’t want it to end. I skimmed it a second time a week ago, in preparation for a talk by Ms. Uraneck in Madison, Wisconsin (the locale of most of the story). My opinion of the book hasn’t diminished.
I attended the talk by Ms. Uraneck and two of her Tibetan friends, Tenzin Kalsang, the mother of the immigrant family in the book, and Nawang Lhadon, her daughter. They both spoke briefly, and sometimes humorously, of their experiences of coming to, and adapting to, America. So, for example, and much to her mother’s consternation, Lhadon (briefly) adopted a “girls just wanna’ have fun” attitude, something which was not within orbit of traditional Tibetan expectations of women. And once Lhandon complained to Ms. Uraneck that she (Lhandon) couldn’t make friends with whites:
“Well,” Ms. Uraneck asked, “what language do you speak in the hallways or at lunch while you’re at school?”
“Oh,” Lhandon replied, “that’s when I’m with my Tibetan friends, so we speak Tibetan.”
“Ah,” Ms. Uraneck replied. “Perhaps speaking English occasionally would give a white boy or girl a chance to participate.”
“Oh,” Lhadon said. “Maybe.”
One of the things Ms. Uraneck emphasized in her talk (which didn’t occur to me while reading the book) was that the book is a story about women: mothers in India and Nepal and Tibet, an immigrant mother in the U.S. and her daughter. There are traditions and family dignities to be upheld and transmitted, and women are the guardians.
A little reflection on my part made me realize the immense courage of Tenzin Kalsang, a woman who left her family system and home to immigrate to America. She was one of a very small number of Tibetans allowed to enter the U.S. at that time. Her husband opposed the move, and so did her mother and sisters (fearing they would have to care for her four children), but Kalsang was driven by a desire to find more opportunities for her children. She came alone, speaking very little English, to a strange land. It took her five years of working two and three jobs as an office cleaner (one job was just to pay the phone bill, so she could call home) before she could bring her family to join her.
But she succeeded.
So where does Madeline Uraneck fit into this story? Well, she’s not just a good writer capturing an interesting story, she’s a participant. Ms. Uraneck met Tenzin Kalsang while Kalsang was cleaning Ms. Uraneck’s work cubicle. At first, the relationship was a simple exchange of pleasantries, but then Ms. Uraneck began helping Tenzin Kalsang with the intricacies of American life: how to navigate various bureaucracies, or how to make an investment for retirement (Ms. Uraneck admitted needing some help on that herself). Before long, the two women were friends.
When the kids arrived from India, Ms. Uraneck, who had no children (or husband) of her own, enthusiastically plunged into the role of the doting auntie. She is the meddler of my title, while the Tibetans are the Stoics. She wanted the low-key non-commercial Christmas; the Tibetans, as Buddhists, didn’t celebrate Christmas, but the kids wanted the glitz and toys. She wanted the boys to go on an adventure to Door County (a beautiful natural area in northern Wisconsin), but one of the boys was less-than-enthusiastic, so she literally dragged him by the leg from the house to the car (DFS types look away). She was afraid the family was “marrying off” their daughter, Nawang Lhadon, to a guy from Nepal against her will, so Ms. Uraneck insisted on traveling with the family to Nepal and India for the wedding, fully intending to shout, “I object!” at the appropriate time (she was wrong, and the marriage is happy).
Ms. Uraneck is in love with this family, and they are in love with her, stoically putting up her some of her more intrusive antics. She learned to respect their choices, even if she (initially) disagrees with them. She also learned the heartbreak of letting go (as every parent learns) as her adopted family began to mature, chronologically and as confident Americans. This is the story of a Tibetan family, plus a stray American, who grew and thrived as immigrants. These are the kind of people (contra the current administration) who built America, so it’s an American story that’s very much worth reading.
I first read Madeline Uraneck’s memoir/anthropology field study, “How to Make a Life”, several months ago, when it was newly-released. I think it took me a day and a night to finish, and I was sad when I reached the last page. It’s written in a straightforward, accessible style, the story is engaging, and I didn’t want it to end. I skimmed it a second time a week ago, in preparation for a talk by Ms. Uraneck in Madison, Wisconsin (the locale of most of the story). My opinion of the book hasn’t diminished.
I attended the talk by Ms. Uraneck and two of her Tibetan friends, Tenzin Kalsang, the mother of the immigrant family in the book, and Nawang Lhadon, her daughter. They both spoke briefly, and sometimes humorously, of their experiences of coming to, and adapting to, America. So, for example, and much to her mother’s consternation, Lhadon (briefly) adopted a “girls just wanna’ have fun” attitude, something which was not within orbit of traditional Tibetan expectations of women. And once Lhandon complained to Ms. Uraneck that she (Lhandon) couldn’t make friends with whites:
“Well,” Ms. Uraneck asked, “what language do you speak in the hallways or at lunch while you’re at school?”
“Oh,” Lhandon replied, “that’s when I’m with my Tibetan friends, so we speak Tibetan.”
“Ah,” Ms. Uraneck replied. “Perhaps speaking English occasionally would give a white boy or girl a chance to participate.”
“Oh,” Lhadon said. “Maybe.”
One of the things Ms. Uraneck emphasized in her talk (which didn’t occur to me while reading the book) was that the book is a story about women: mothers in India and Nepal and Tibet, an immigrant mother in the U.S. and her daughter. There are traditions and family dignities to be upheld and transmitted, and women are the guardians.
A little reflection on my part made me realize the immense courage of Tenzin Kalsang, a woman who left her family system and home to immigrate to America. She was one of a very small number of Tibetans allowed to enter the U.S. at that time. Her husband opposed the move, and so did her mother and sisters (fearing they would have to care for her four children), but Kalsang was driven by a desire to find more opportunities for her children. She came alone, speaking very little English, to a strange land. It took her five years of working two and three jobs as an office cleaner (one job was just to pay the phone bill, so she could call home) before she could bring her family to join her.
But she succeeded.
So where does Madeline Uraneck fit into this story? Well, she’s not just a good writer capturing an interesting story, she’s a participant. Ms. Uraneck met Tenzin Kalsang while Kalsang was cleaning Ms. Uraneck’s work cubicle. At first, the relationship was a simple exchange of pleasantries, but then Ms. Uraneck began helping Tenzin Kalsang with the intricacies of American life: how to navigate various bureaucracies, or how to make an investment for retirement (Ms. Uraneck admitted needing some help on that herself). Before long, the two women were friends.
When the kids arrived from India, Ms. Uraneck, who had no children (or husband) of her own, enthusiastically plunged into the role of the doting auntie. She is the meddler of my title, while the Tibetans are the Stoics. She wanted the low-key non-commercial Christmas; the Tibetans, as Buddhists, didn’t celebrate Christmas, but the kids wanted the glitz and toys. She wanted the boys to go on an adventure to Door County (a beautiful natural area in northern Wisconsin), but one of the boys was less-than-enthusiastic, so she literally dragged him by the leg from the house to the car (DFS types look away). She was afraid the family was “marrying off” their daughter, Nawang Lhadon, to a guy from Nepal against her will, so Ms. Uraneck insisted on traveling with the family to Nepal and India for the wedding, fully intending to shout, “I object!” at the appropriate time (she was wrong, and the marriage is happy).
Ms. Uraneck is in love with this family, and they are in love with her, stoically putting up her some of her more intrusive antics. She learned to respect their choices, even if she (initially) disagrees with them. She also learned the heartbreak of letting go (as every parent learns) as her adopted family began to mature, chronologically and as confident Americans. This is the story of a Tibetan family, plus a stray American, who grew and thrived as immigrants. These are the kind of people (contra the current administration) who built America, so it’s an American story that’s very much worth reading.
July 20, 2018
This memoir is full of incites and observations about bridging cultures, teen-agers and Buddhism.
July 13, 2018
"How to Make a Life" is a wonderful blend of personal stories of both the author and the Tibetan refugee members she writes about. Mixed in is background on the early conditions in Tibet that forced their migration across the Himalayas, their experiences in refugee camps, and their final arrival in America and Madison, Wisconsin.
Tibet was never a Peace Corps country, but Madeline writes with the voice, compassion and experience of a Peace Corps Volunteer (she served in Lesotho, then as staff in Washington, DC and in Turkmenistan). At the end, I wanted to read her memoirs of her time in those countries, and hope a book is forthcoming.
Tibet was never a Peace Corps country, but Madeline writes with the voice, compassion and experience of a Peace Corps Volunteer (she served in Lesotho, then as staff in Washington, DC and in Turkmenistan). At the end, I wanted to read her memoirs of her time in those countries, and hope a book is forthcoming.
June 29, 2018
I was captivated by Madeline's story of gaining a family when she met the woman cleaning her office in 1994. It was Tensin Kalsang who cleaning her office and Madeline a world traveler, asked her name and where she was from. That was the start of a friendship that has lasted 24 years and has involved her in Tensin's family which included weddings and travel to meet with the Tibetans in India and Nepal. I have been aware of the Tibetans in Madison and have had the honor of hearing the Dalai Llama speak. When I encounter a community of refugees that have joined our community I wonder how they are adjusting to a completely different world. Madeline shared her insights about the Madison community. They had to take menial jobs and work for low wages, but they did and they kept their culture as much as possible. I would say that they are success story, but a sad one of people forced from their homelands and culture. One of the tenants that set Tibetans apart is their strong belief in peace and hope for a peaceful world. The book was very well written and a joy to read.
June 14, 2018
Ever since I started reading this book, I’ve struggled to pry myself away from it! What a remarkable and conscientiously woven testimony to unique human spirits. "How to Make a Life" balances just the right amount of historical facts with delicately chosen snippets of human struggle, courage, stamina, and joy of life.
This book lifts the veil for readers to peak into of a culture and some of its traditions, that would have been otherwise inaccessible to most of us. Through your book, Tenzin Kalsang, her immediate and extended family have become our educators on how to face challenges in life and how to make the best out of any situation.
May this book bring all of us closer to see and experience free Tibet one day!
Kerstin Kuentzel (Author, www.growingrootsinpresence.com)
This book lifts the veil for readers to peak into of a culture and some of its traditions, that would have been otherwise inaccessible to most of us. Through your book, Tenzin Kalsang, her immediate and extended family have become our educators on how to face challenges in life and how to make the best out of any situation.
May this book bring all of us closer to see and experience free Tibet one day!
Kerstin Kuentzel (Author, www.growingrootsinpresence.com)
July 23, 2018
A beautiful story, told with love and skilled prose. It shares the families, the countries, the histories, and the cultures in a deeply engaging way. A wonderful read that is enjoyable as well as an important reflection for our current times.
September 20, 2020
I enjoyed reading this book, which I purchased from the author after hearing her speak at an adult education-related event in Madison, Wisconsin.
This website contains many articulate and astute commentaries, but this is not one of them! I don't have a lot to say. I simply wanted to note that although the family described in this book is a very interesting one and the story is well-told, I don't believe that there's anything particularly unique or truly note-worthy about any of it. So why the nice review? It's because the lack of major setbacks or special challenges provided me with a story that I know is similar to those faced by immigrants on a daily basis, all over the world. They accept their challenges as facts of life and face them with confidence and an aversion to feeling sorry for themselves. They often do quite well and make our country better in the process.
With anti-immigrant rhetoric becoming more common in our country, it's valuable to be reminded that we're talking about real people, with hopes and dreams no different than ours.
This website contains many articulate and astute commentaries, but this is not one of them! I don't have a lot to say. I simply wanted to note that although the family described in this book is a very interesting one and the story is well-told, I don't believe that there's anything particularly unique or truly note-worthy about any of it. So why the nice review? It's because the lack of major setbacks or special challenges provided me with a story that I know is similar to those faced by immigrants on a daily basis, all over the world. They accept their challenges as facts of life and face them with confidence and an aversion to feeling sorry for themselves. They often do quite well and make our country better in the process.
With anti-immigrant rhetoric becoming more common in our country, it's valuable to be reminded that we're talking about real people, with hopes and dreams no different than ours.
September 18, 2018
I both love and hate this book.
I love that it pulled me into something, what the author is doing here where she's trying to put into words what it's like being an outsider watching and experiencing life with an extended, self-imposed family.
I appreciate the humility.
That said, I feel that this was someone else's story to tell. It's still a great document. I'd call it a must-read.
I love that it pulled me into something, what the author is doing here where she's trying to put into words what it's like being an outsider watching and experiencing life with an extended, self-imposed family.
I appreciate the humility.
That said, I feel that this was someone else's story to tell. It's still a great document. I'd call it a must-read.
May 16, 2024
What a wonderful book! It was exciting to read about the author's travel adventures and her interactions with the Tibetan family. My interest in Tibetan culture in Wisconsin was piqued so will have to visit some of the places the author mentioned. I appreciate that the author's honesty re. some of the interactions with family and how she reflects on that later in life. We were lucky in our Wisconsin Historical Society to have her join us for part of our meeting. Love how she's so passionate about her work!
May 30, 2018
Madeline is a forthright, gifted story teller. She takes you to places, both physical and psychological, so that you feel part of the narrative.
Read
July 9, 2020My choice of book for January was How to Make a Life: A Tibetan Refugee Family and the Midwestern Woman They Adopted, written by Madeline Uraneck. I first heard about this book when I attended the author’s presentation at Common Good Books in St. Paul a few months ago. She was an engaging speaker, and had brought along with her one of the sons (Tenzin Tamdin) from the Tibetan-American family she has befriended over the years. After a short book talk, she shifted the spotlight away from herself and invited several Tibetan-Americans who were in the audience to take part in a panel interview where the audience could ask them questions. After hearing this presentation and the perspectives shared, I was excited to read the book.
The main themes that Uraneck has endeavored to explore include immigration, Americans’ response to immigrant communities, international relationships, and how culture has both changed and held steady during the Tibetan diaspora. Her core argument seems to be the unexpected but life-enriching benefits of reaching out to or befriending others who differ from us, asking questions about their lives and getting involved in a non-judgmental way. I feel like I personally learned a lot from her observations: the necessity of humbling oneself to other cultures instead of trying to impose a totally “American” way of life on everyone; the daily grind experienced by many immigrant parents so their kids can have better opportunities; the heightened importance of family ties within many immigrant communities (many features of the family’s life differed from my preconceived idea that young people should be as independent as possible). As for the narrative arc, I loved how this book re-defines the definition of “family,” and shows the nitty-gritty dynamics of how different types of relationships can develop over time.
One facet of this book especially relevant to my Americorps service assisting with workforce development is the detailed view Uraneck offers into Tenzin and Migmar’s work lives. I see their long working hours and upbeat dedication to menial jobs reflected in the experiences of many of the immigrants who I work with on a regular basis. Physically taxing work can take a toll on people’s long-term health, which is a reality I must be cognizant of when helping people locate sustainable work opportunities that will help them achieve the quality of life they desire for themselves and their families. It’s a balancing act, for sure, finding the right work options or training for any given person. Linguistic and cultural differences in immigrants’ lives happen to complicate this process, something I’ve seen firsthand when someone who held advanced college degrees in another country comes into Lab seeking entry-level jobs. This can be heartbreaking to see but it’s often a reality of adjusting to a new country. Though the bright spot here is definitely the expanded options available to young people in the next generation who can more easily go to school and become fully bilingual in English while also retaining their home language (well, in most cases; Uraneck explores this issue further in her book).
I would recommend other CTEP members to read this book, How to Make a Life, for an in-depth exploration of the nuances of Tibetan culture and also to learn more about the Tibetan-American community that now exists in many of our cities. It is a fascinating read because Uraneck’s memoir spans all the years from the 1990s when the family first arrived to Madison, Wisconsin wide-eyed and wildly hopeful, to the present day when the next generation is being raised. If you’re interested in how cultural dynamics play out between parents and young people as they bridge two communities, two countries, the traditional and the modern, then this is one well-written example for you to immerse yourself in. Although we’re living in a society that prioritizes and prefers to give voice to white, middle or upper class native-born Americans, and this book was written by someone who fits into that above category instead of by an immigrant themself, I think it does a great job of presenting members of a minority immigrant culture in an authentic, respected light. And we must remember that this is Uraneck’s own memoir, not the family’s, so it of course focuses on her own interactions and experiences. When we are open to the possibility of learning from other people’s ways of life, as Uraneck demonstrates, then our outlook can improve, our connections can grow stronger, and we can receive the most unexpected but “delightful” gifts.
The main themes that Uraneck has endeavored to explore include immigration, Americans’ response to immigrant communities, international relationships, and how culture has both changed and held steady during the Tibetan diaspora. Her core argument seems to be the unexpected but life-enriching benefits of reaching out to or befriending others who differ from us, asking questions about their lives and getting involved in a non-judgmental way. I feel like I personally learned a lot from her observations: the necessity of humbling oneself to other cultures instead of trying to impose a totally “American” way of life on everyone; the daily grind experienced by many immigrant parents so their kids can have better opportunities; the heightened importance of family ties within many immigrant communities (many features of the family’s life differed from my preconceived idea that young people should be as independent as possible). As for the narrative arc, I loved how this book re-defines the definition of “family,” and shows the nitty-gritty dynamics of how different types of relationships can develop over time.
One facet of this book especially relevant to my Americorps service assisting with workforce development is the detailed view Uraneck offers into Tenzin and Migmar’s work lives. I see their long working hours and upbeat dedication to menial jobs reflected in the experiences of many of the immigrants who I work with on a regular basis. Physically taxing work can take a toll on people’s long-term health, which is a reality I must be cognizant of when helping people locate sustainable work opportunities that will help them achieve the quality of life they desire for themselves and their families. It’s a balancing act, for sure, finding the right work options or training for any given person. Linguistic and cultural differences in immigrants’ lives happen to complicate this process, something I’ve seen firsthand when someone who held advanced college degrees in another country comes into Lab seeking entry-level jobs. This can be heartbreaking to see but it’s often a reality of adjusting to a new country. Though the bright spot here is definitely the expanded options available to young people in the next generation who can more easily go to school and become fully bilingual in English while also retaining their home language (well, in most cases; Uraneck explores this issue further in her book).
I would recommend other CTEP members to read this book, How to Make a Life, for an in-depth exploration of the nuances of Tibetan culture and also to learn more about the Tibetan-American community that now exists in many of our cities. It is a fascinating read because Uraneck’s memoir spans all the years from the 1990s when the family first arrived to Madison, Wisconsin wide-eyed and wildly hopeful, to the present day when the next generation is being raised. If you’re interested in how cultural dynamics play out between parents and young people as they bridge two communities, two countries, the traditional and the modern, then this is one well-written example for you to immerse yourself in. Although we’re living in a society that prioritizes and prefers to give voice to white, middle or upper class native-born Americans, and this book was written by someone who fits into that above category instead of by an immigrant themself, I think it does a great job of presenting members of a minority immigrant culture in an authentic, respected light. And we must remember that this is Uraneck’s own memoir, not the family’s, so it of course focuses on her own interactions and experiences. When we are open to the possibility of learning from other people’s ways of life, as Uraneck demonstrates, then our outlook can improve, our connections can grow stronger, and we can receive the most unexpected but “delightful” gifts.
April 10, 2023
This was a great book for book discussion. We spoke about culture clash and the many instances of it in the book. We spoke about Tibetan history and the Middle Way. This got us to thinking about whether or not pacifism achieves the goals movements want it to...perhaps more slowly? We spoke about the Dalai Lama and his insights. We spoke about the immolations and how those people were frustrated with the slowness of change. We talked about the immigrant experience--the similarities and differences depending on danger, safety, health concerns, means of coming to the U.S. etc. We talked about the Tibetan emphasis on education for the youth. Also, the concern that children be "well-married." And what does it mean when a culture preserves its language or drops it for assimilation? We had several questions about when the book ended (in time) and how the Tibetan community is living in Madison now? Is there still Saturday school?
p.84 The physical exhaustion and danger of menial labor, the humiliation and frustrations of new parent-child relations, and the necessity of giving up personal dreams--these were the building blocks of America's immigrant experience.
p.126 A Tibetan proverb says, "A child without an education is like a bird without wings." Education was more than a road to their children's future and a guarantee for their well-being: it was an act of love, hope, and sacrifice in the struggle to keep Tibetan dreams alive. I wondered how many parents in the world would choose between their children's education and never being able to see them again.
p.142 He told us that all Tibetan Buddhist schools and traditions of practice can trace their origin directly back to the original Buddha Sakyamuni, born in 563 BCE in what is now Nepal.
p.151 Culture is a seashell where we hear voices of what we are, what we were, what we forget, and what we can be.
p.160 Not only I, but the entire world, needed more of these humbling ceremonies for casting out demons of unhappiness and reclaiming our pure hearts and intentions.
p.171 Whether a child does or doesn't use her home language depends on many things: if it is essential for communication, whether peers speak it, even whether speaking it is perceived as high or low status.
p.229 Yet he (Dalai Lama) had done something more formidable: he had advocated compromise, compassion, patience and forgiveness. He had formulated peace plans and he had proposed a magnificent compromise with the government of the world's most populous nation. It was good to hear a man who lived simply, with both feet on the ground, yet talked about world peace and a freer Tibet as achievable goals. He walked a path that made both seem possible.
p.232 Before peace is a reality--it must exist as a dream and a vision, its story nurtured, repeatedly told and changed in the retelling.
p.233 The gifts we give one another can ease suffering, engender hope, and even shorten wars.
p.84 The physical exhaustion and danger of menial labor, the humiliation and frustrations of new parent-child relations, and the necessity of giving up personal dreams--these were the building blocks of America's immigrant experience.
p.126 A Tibetan proverb says, "A child without an education is like a bird without wings." Education was more than a road to their children's future and a guarantee for their well-being: it was an act of love, hope, and sacrifice in the struggle to keep Tibetan dreams alive. I wondered how many parents in the world would choose between their children's education and never being able to see them again.
p.142 He told us that all Tibetan Buddhist schools and traditions of practice can trace their origin directly back to the original Buddha Sakyamuni, born in 563 BCE in what is now Nepal.
p.151 Culture is a seashell where we hear voices of what we are, what we were, what we forget, and what we can be.
p.160 Not only I, but the entire world, needed more of these humbling ceremonies for casting out demons of unhappiness and reclaiming our pure hearts and intentions.
p.171 Whether a child does or doesn't use her home language depends on many things: if it is essential for communication, whether peers speak it, even whether speaking it is perceived as high or low status.
p.229 Yet he (Dalai Lama) had done something more formidable: he had advocated compromise, compassion, patience and forgiveness. He had formulated peace plans and he had proposed a magnificent compromise with the government of the world's most populous nation. It was good to hear a man who lived simply, with both feet on the ground, yet talked about world peace and a freer Tibet as achievable goals. He walked a path that made both seem possible.
p.232 Before peace is a reality--it must exist as a dream and a vision, its story nurtured, repeatedly told and changed in the retelling.
p.233 The gifts we give one another can ease suffering, engender hope, and even shorten wars.
June 1, 2025
There are stories of people and organizations that adopt immigrants. “How to Make a Life” is that and more. As much as author Madeline Uraneck adopted the family of her office cleaner, Tenzin Kalsang, she was adopted by them. An unmarried, childless life-long Unitarian who had visited 64 countries as a student, Peace Corps volunteer and wide-ranging traveler, Madeline became part of a family of Tibetan refugees. She befriended Tenzin, then her husband, Migmar Dorjee, and their four children, sons Namgyal Tsedup, Tenzin Tamdin and Tenzin Thardoe and daughter Nawang Hadon. What follows is a delightful trapse as Madeline introduces her “family” to their home of Madison, Wisconsin and elsewhere in the Midwest and other areas of the United States. Uraneck chronicles the children’s transformation from Tibetan into and back to the heart of Tibetan life. Her Tibetan family takes Madeline and her sister to their exile home in India.
As much a tale of the blending of a woman into a family, this book is an introduction to contemporary Tibetan culture and recent history. After the Chinese takeover of Tibet, its culture was suppressed at home and preserved in refugee camps in India, whence Tenzin and her family came. This is a fascinating account of the importance of Buddhist traditions, loyalty to Tibetan nationalism and family relationships among characters in this tome.
As much a non-fiction documentary, the personal relationships take on the nature of a quasi-novel. Madeline supplies American familiarity. She receives what her life had been lacking, family and religion most prominently. As we see the characters act upon each other, readers wonder, what next? Will the children find romance among Americans, will Madeline adopt Buddhism, will they age together in Madison or India, or will they go their own ways? I will not spoil it for you. Read and find out for yourself.
Readers will find an edifying and entertaining read. Don’t miss it.
I did receive a free copy of this book without an obligation to post a review.
As much a tale of the blending of a woman into a family, this book is an introduction to contemporary Tibetan culture and recent history. After the Chinese takeover of Tibet, its culture was suppressed at home and preserved in refugee camps in India, whence Tenzin and her family came. This is a fascinating account of the importance of Buddhist traditions, loyalty to Tibetan nationalism and family relationships among characters in this tome.
As much a non-fiction documentary, the personal relationships take on the nature of a quasi-novel. Madeline supplies American familiarity. She receives what her life had been lacking, family and religion most prominently. As we see the characters act upon each other, readers wonder, what next? Will the children find romance among Americans, will Madeline adopt Buddhism, will they age together in Madison or India, or will they go their own ways? I will not spoil it for you. Read and find out for yourself.
Readers will find an edifying and entertaining read. Don’t miss it.
I did receive a free copy of this book without an obligation to post a review.
October 29, 2019
I enjoyed reading this book because it was an up close and personal account of the plight of a Tibetan refugee family who settled in Madison, WI by the author who "adopted" them in the early 1990's when the mother won a lottery to come to Madison, leaving her husband and 4 children behind in a Tibetan settlement in India.
I had heard about the Chinese invasion of Tibet years ago and remembered the fervent shouts of the "Free Tibet" protesters while in college. I knew that the Dalai Lama was from this country and the immense influence he had as a spiritual leader and peacemaker around the world but that's all I knew about this fascinating country along the southwestern border of China. Reading this book helped me understand this the incredible struggles of these people forced to leave their home - a country with a thriving and rich culture. Now over a half a century later, Tibetans who have settled in foreign lands are trying to keep their customs and identity alive in the hopes of returning to their native land someday. Why Tibetan refugee families came to Madison and the schools that they have set up to teach their children the language and customs was fascinating to me. The author travels to Tibetan settlements in India and Nepal with some of the Madison family members giving the reader a personal account of what life was like for the Tibetan refugees in those countries and then their link to Madison as the Madison teens grow up and marry Tibetans from those countries. I would definitely recommend this book to all who are inspired by the resilience of displaced people who must learn to adapt and make a new home in a foreign land.
I had heard about the Chinese invasion of Tibet years ago and remembered the fervent shouts of the "Free Tibet" protesters while in college. I knew that the Dalai Lama was from this country and the immense influence he had as a spiritual leader and peacemaker around the world but that's all I knew about this fascinating country along the southwestern border of China. Reading this book helped me understand this the incredible struggles of these people forced to leave their home - a country with a thriving and rich culture. Now over a half a century later, Tibetans who have settled in foreign lands are trying to keep their customs and identity alive in the hopes of returning to their native land someday. Why Tibetan refugee families came to Madison and the schools that they have set up to teach their children the language and customs was fascinating to me. The author travels to Tibetan settlements in India and Nepal with some of the Madison family members giving the reader a personal account of what life was like for the Tibetan refugees in those countries and then their link to Madison as the Madison teens grow up and marry Tibetans from those countries. I would definitely recommend this book to all who are inspired by the resilience of displaced people who must learn to adapt and make a new home in a foreign land.
June 29, 2020
In this book, Madeline Uraneck takes the time to tell the story of her friendship with a Tibetan family in Madison, Wisconsin. Madeline meets Tenzin, a Tibetan woman new to the United States, who is trying to work to provide a home for her husband, Migmar, and their 4 children. The story follows Madeline and Tenzin's friendship as Tenzin's family joins her in Madison, and the children grow up as Tibetan Americans. The story is both simple and interesting.
As a white woman reading this story it reminded me of a few things. Most people strive for a better life for themselves and their children. Thousands of Tibetan citizens became refugees when the government went into exile. Tenzin's plight of modern day immigration was a story that serves as a reminder for people who have forgotten that most American families started as immigrants. Tenzin helps to shine a light on the need for working wages. At one point in the story she has a long conversation with the owner of a local business who believes that he has provided his workers with all that they need. One is left to wonder his reaction after she shares her reality, as a worker with 3 jobs. This book also pushes the reader to keep in mind that my America is not everyone's America. For example, I may get a Christmas holiday off every year, paid. But, in several cases, Tenzin and Migmar had to take unpaid days to observe their Tibetan traditions.
As a Wisconsin woman, I found this to be a valuable story that takes place in my own "backyard". What a phenomenal family! It is easy to understand why Madeline Uraneck needed to share this story.
As a white woman reading this story it reminded me of a few things. Most people strive for a better life for themselves and their children. Thousands of Tibetan citizens became refugees when the government went into exile. Tenzin's plight of modern day immigration was a story that serves as a reminder for people who have forgotten that most American families started as immigrants. Tenzin helps to shine a light on the need for working wages. At one point in the story she has a long conversation with the owner of a local business who believes that he has provided his workers with all that they need. One is left to wonder his reaction after she shares her reality, as a worker with 3 jobs. This book also pushes the reader to keep in mind that my America is not everyone's America. For example, I may get a Christmas holiday off every year, paid. But, in several cases, Tenzin and Migmar had to take unpaid days to observe their Tibetan traditions.
As a Wisconsin woman, I found this to be a valuable story that takes place in my own "backyard". What a phenomenal family! It is easy to understand why Madeline Uraneck needed to share this story.
November 19, 2019
The story begins when self-confessed meddler, Madeline Uraneck, spoke to the woman who came to dust her office cubicle files. The woman, Tenzin Kalsang, was a Tibetan refugee, and so began a friendship that profoundly affected the lives of both women.
In 1992, a group of “displaced” Tibetan refugees were admitted to the US by a lottery drawing from settlements in India and Nepal. In Madison WI, one of the women became a friend of the author. For the next 25 years the women shared many ordinary, yet profound, cultural exchanges as Tenzin Kalsang and the family that she eventually was able to bring to the US integrated into American ways.
What began as an attempt to write a non-fiction account of the challenges faced by a Tibetan refugee family became a memoir, as the author realized the story was as much hers as theirs. The result is a wonderful true story of a Tibetan refugee family and the Madison woman who became much more than a friend.
At a time when the U.S. President is saying terrible things about refugees and potential refugees, this account of how a refugee family gave up everything they knew to pursue a better life in this country, could not be more timely. Like so many immigrants they worked multiple menial jobs not just to survive, but to be able to reunite the family in their new country. Their story is a classic American one, well and sympathetically told.
In 1992, a group of “displaced” Tibetan refugees were admitted to the US by a lottery drawing from settlements in India and Nepal. In Madison WI, one of the women became a friend of the author. For the next 25 years the women shared many ordinary, yet profound, cultural exchanges as Tenzin Kalsang and the family that she eventually was able to bring to the US integrated into American ways.
What began as an attempt to write a non-fiction account of the challenges faced by a Tibetan refugee family became a memoir, as the author realized the story was as much hers as theirs. The result is a wonderful true story of a Tibetan refugee family and the Madison woman who became much more than a friend.
At a time when the U.S. President is saying terrible things about refugees and potential refugees, this account of how a refugee family gave up everything they knew to pursue a better life in this country, could not be more timely. Like so many immigrants they worked multiple menial jobs not just to survive, but to be able to reunite the family in their new country. Their story is a classic American one, well and sympathetically told.
October 18, 2019
This is the story of a friendship between an Midwestern single woman and a Tibetan refugee family as they learn about each other's culture and help each other navigate daily life and crises through the years. Madeline is more a busy-body foreign aunt than an anthropologist in her approach but her heart is in the right place and she certainly gains as much as she gives in the relationship. Though she does give the occasional insight into her own lessons and motivations, she tends to back away from any in-depth exploration of herself to focus on the family. It's rather like Rachel Lynde telling the tale of Anne of Green Gables. Well-meaning, loving, and opinionated but missing, or at least not consciously acknowledging, some of the more subtler nuances. I found it especially enjoyable for the local interest and because a good friend of mine also knows Tenzin and Migmar as she lives in Kennedy Manor. The book does have a lot to say about the Tibetan situation and the creating families and communities of choice.
May 19, 2024
A woman from Madison, WI begins a friendship with a refugee from Tibet, then over the years the friendship extends to the woman's husband and four children and then the extended family. Along the way the author, Madeline Uraneck grows to understand the plight of the Tibetan diaspora, and the way refugees, or anyone trying to make a life in a new and unfamiliar culture, learn a new language, new "rules," and how to maintain the values and culture they left behind. I learned about Tibet's history and the ongoing conflict with China, and for me gave me new appreciation of the challenges a refugee family I interact with regularly. I participated in a Zoom book club discussion of the book, and we were joined by the author, and added bonus I wasn't expecting.
July 26, 2025
Wonderful depiction of the struggles and joys of an immigrant family from Tibet through the many years of the Tibetan diaspora, their years in the US, their trips back to Tibet, and their astonishing friendship (by incidental interaction) with a single female educator from Madison. A very rewarding and informative read about a culture that most readers know nothing about. This book goes a long way towards informing the reading audience of that culture, and also is aspirational in hope that all of us may open our eyes to interacting with the world outside our own door.
June 2, 2021
I really wanted to love this book. The author, however, gets too preachy by not understanding the immigrant experience. It sounds great to keep your language and way of daily life, which she constantly preaches to the kids. But many people who have immigrated to the U.S. want to meld in because they come from harsh situations in which they were discriminated or worse for those very same things.
October 22, 2019
This book gave a surface account of a Tibetan refugee family’s immigration to America from India as well as the history of the Tibetan people and culture. Would have liked more depth.
February 12, 2021
Listened to the author for the McFarland Library Winter Community Read. Loved learning about the local Buddist Temple in Oregon and Tibetan refugees in the Madison area and larger US.
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August 25, 2021loved it...a truly great story about the immigrant experiences with all the connections and contributions to making the transition a success..
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