Colour Me Yellow

by Thuli Nhlapo

‘I hated being pregnant with you. I used to cry the whole day. I hated carrying you in my stomach.’

Thuli Nhlapo grew up constantly hearing these words from her mother. She was seven years old when she realised that no one called her by name. Known as "Yellow”, she was bullied at home and at school. Fearing that she had a terrible disease, she withdrew into herself.

Years later, Thuli is still haunted by her childhood experiences. She confronts her mother about her real father and real surname. Getting no answers, Thuli embarks on years of searching for the truth. In the process, she uncovers unsettling family secrets that irrevocably change all their lives.

Whilst exposing and exploding the impact of family secrets on people’s sense of identity and well-being, it is also a celebration of one woman’s determination to live her life to the fullest. – Mmatshilo Motsei

A meditation on a South African childhood, and a chronicle of a family whose fault lines were fractured because of apartheid. - Khadija Magardie

Genres: Nonfiction

224 pages, Paperback

First published September 3, 2017

Reviews

[Tilly Ngope · Rating 5 out of 5]

Y do family secrets hurt the kids the most? Not b en loved by your father is one thing but the person who carried you for 9 months n to sacrifice you in a way that even the step father ill treats you in front of her?
Thuli displayed bravery n determination to make her self a success n she did , from an unwanted child to a well established female, she didn’t let her suffering deter her from her goal.
She is proof that it can be done.....

[Omphile Raleie · Rating 5 out of 5]

What an exceptionally written and edited work. Thuli writes so beautifully that as hurt as I was at some of the things she went through - it made me want to know more.

Determined, strong-willed and just a person who lived her life according to how she wanted. Fully. Despite the difficulties she faced growing up and as a young adult.

Family secrets are heavy, even heavier when those who are meant to love and protect us do the opposite and try as they may go hide the truth from us.

I believe like Thuli does that there is a Higher Power - who was with her in all those struggles.

A well deserved 5 ⭐️

[Hloni Dlamini · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was emotionally draining, and made me have an appreciation for my upbringing , nothing is as painful as being rejected by your mum and your mum choosing a man over her own daughter.

[Unarine Ramaru · Rating 4 out of 5]

Had to stomach a lot from what I was reading. A vivid and emotional read.
Thuli's background in investigative journalism is evident in the detailing of how she narrates/write her story.

It felt natural to loathe the inhumane treatment which Thuli was subjected to by her mother (and her husband's family) until the truth - she goes searching for from the age of 7 - is revealed. I slightly became more understanding why a mother would treat her daughter the way Thuli's mum did.

[Puleng Hopper · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a sad story. The gloomy moments outweighed the happy ones. That it is real lived experiences makes it even worse. The message I got from the book is that, how we are conceived , treated, especially in our formative years is beyond our control, and it is not not our fault, that it either makes or breaks us. Also that , what does not kill us makes us stronger. The most troubling fact being that , contrary to popular belief, blood is not always thicker than water.

Growing up Thuli was faced with inexplicable, blatant resentment, ill treatment and unfairness from her family, including her biological mom . Throughout the book , young, teenage, and adult Thuli attempts to rationalise , comprehend, manage and to find out the real reasons why, while simultaneously grappling with issues of identity and the zest to belong.

Instead, she finds solace in outsiders, neighbours, a boyfriend’s mother, a Zimbabwean lady who sells wares in town, her nanny, her first employer, pastors and sangomas. Ironically, only one family member, maternal grandpa, could kiss it better.

Also a story of resilience, focus and hope, which has become part of therapy and healing to many who have experienced physical , emotional and psychological seclusion, especially as children.

The themes that remained with me are of patriarchy, family , identity, race, colourism, poverty, pregnancy, tribalism , migration, politics, and religious beliefs. Once again it is demonstrated how women are wont to be cheerleaders of patriarchy at the expense of children and other women, for the benefit of men. Christian religious bigotry was also brought to the fore. We hear of illicit inter racial relationships during apartheid SA. The tribalism hit home when Thuli's boyfriend and father of her son was called “a Zulu dog”.

Talented and multi award winning author, poet, journalist , television producer and owner of media production house TNM, has given us a brilliant book that meets all the criteria of a great memoir and more. Excellent presentation, by one who is at one with words and writing. Colour Me Yellow is Thuli’s third baby , the other two books are in isiSwati titled SibongoSabo and Imbali yemaNgcamane.

I loved how the author does not seek to evoke sympathy in her narration, she simply tells it like it is.

[Tumelo Moleleki · Rating 3 out of 5]

Well, that revelation at the end shows how powerful intuition is. People should really trust it. I must say that throughout the search for her identity, I found her delusional and at the end I understand how she may have seemed that way because everyone around her was determined to hide this truth from her but still treat her with the contempt they felt about the circumstances of her conception.

I find some of the things she says in the beginning, about women, to be condescending though. Especially because the book was a journey about how she felt and she did cry, so why say all that is nonsense and then turn around and do just that?

[Claire Hondo · Rating 4 out of 5]

“No matter how bad your background is, how you were conceived, circumstances and all, you are responsible for your future and who you become as an adult”.

This statement beautifully summarized this book for me. To think it’s a true story of how she grew up with so much hatred, abuse, family lies surrounding her and emotional homeless about her true self who she belonged to(her people). She is so honest and blunt about what she had to go through in search of her real identity, she says it all with such humor, frankness I really enjoyed her style of writing and learned from her life experiences. You don’t feel pity for her per se but you cry with some of the experiences 😭😭😭 and keep reading because it’s so captivating and want to know more of what became of her.

This is a worthy read👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 In this lockdown season, get a copy from major bookstores or borrow one from the library.

[Lorraine · Rating 4 out of 5]

Colour Me Yellow. The title and the cover enticed me and I put it on my TBR list towards the end of last. Luckily, because the universe hears and responds to our wishes, I was gifted this book.

It took me a while to get the flow and direction of the story at the beginning and I put it aside for a couple of weeks. I picked it up again and was so engrossed in the story that I was finished within 3 days.

Thuli narrates her life's journey searching for her true identity. Her mother was not forthcoming with the truth and her father's family was cruel towards her even to this day. The story follows Thuli as a 7 year old to the woman she has become today. She was always different. Too light to truly belong within her family but nobody was brave enough to tell her her origins until much later in life. She was practically an unwanted child. Unplanned pregnancies are not unique but once the mother has come to terms with the pregnancy and the grandparents have gotten over their initial shock and anger, the family embraces the pregnancy and looks forward to the new addition in the family.

Thuli's beginnings were not like that and only in the last 10 pages of the book was the truth revealed. I am so conflicted. Her conception was abhorrent, certainly and I understand that her mother didn't have choices at all as to whether she keeps the baby or not but, I feel that she should have fought for and protected Thuli because her beginnings were so savagely disadvantageous.

Throughout her decades of searching, the truth was right at her doorstep. I felt so sorry for her mother because in her not forgiving herself, she brought upon a journey of uncertainty and negative self-fulfilling prophercies for Thuli. The burden placed on the victim to protect the perpetrator.

Through Thuli's tale we see how damaging secrets are. I wonder if Thuli's maternal grandma was party to all this cover up? Again, we see how institutionalized patriarchy places a burden on women to cover, support and conceal the most vile things within the family all in the name of "A woman's responsibility is building her family".

What I loved about Thuli's narration was the strength she displayed through her writing. Only once she was able to accept her origins and acknowledge her importance and purpose then was she able to pen this from a place of healing. The power she displays by not acknowledging her family, I mean the way she calls them, not by their first names, shows how disassociated she is from them. Again, maybe the converse is true that by not calling them by their names, reflects a subconscious which hasn't completely come to terms with who she is a person.

I could admonish her for going back time and again to her family when she needed help but, we all hope against all hopes that when the chips are down, family will love us enough to heal, to grow and to find strength to start again. After all, nations are built through families.

Thuli is a seasoned investigative journalist and the evidence is through this seamless construction of the narrative. The story could've been a puddle of syrupy emotions but it is told in a mature way which displayed sensitivity to her readers.

Having read this and pondering over it for a couple of days, I admit that was not an ordinary tale of surviving adversity. This was metastory. Through her story, another story, though incomplete, emerged. I wonder now, decades later, if Thuli's mother will ever open up and tell her own story...Bringing this to full circle.

The bible-thumping fanatics are the most dangerous.

Continue healing through your chosen journey, Thuli.

4 phat stars from me🌟🌟🌟🌟

[Phumlani · Rating 3 out of 5]

An interesting book, explores the dynamics of African spirituality and lays societies cruelties bare. It delves I to the taboo issue of mothers being all good and loving and shows a different side to it all.

I however found some parts a bit badly narrated and I suppose that was an attempt to condense everything into one book. In one instance she’s kicked out of home and sitting at a taxi rank and the next shes in a taxi headed to a squatter camp without telling us how she picked that particular location and how she got the shack she rented. Another example is her mother living in Ferne then all of a sudden she stays in Johannesburg, the flow of narration was a little bit lost along the way.

All things considered it was still an enjoyable book and well worth the read.

[Allistaire · Rating 4 out of 5]

An inspirational read depicting the authors personal pursuit for the truth, narratively illustrating a woman's courage in following her intuition to navigate the struggles surrounding identity, traditions, culture, family dynamics and personal pain.

Gave this book to my mom, who suffered a personal trauma growing up, to help motivate her - she finished it in a few days, saying she just had to get to the end to learn Thuli's truth.

[Cheraé · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thuli Nhlapo writes without holding back the raw emotions that accompanied her painful childhood and spiritual experiences. Apart from recalling her life’s story, she also paints the realities of cultural traditions, family hierarchies and African spirituality in a poetic tell-it-like-it-is style and I love her book for doing that. The theme of family secrets and identity is a haunting one that plagues South Africa and a part of me wishes to unlock my own ancestral realms as a coloured woman constantly searching along the convoluted and concealed lines of my lineage. This book is another reminder of how complex identities are in this country, where racial categories have watered down and generalized bloodlines and has affected generations and generations yet to come.

[Zinhle Ngidi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Colour Me Yellow by Thuli Nhlapo(2017)

About the book
What a well written book with such a sad story yet the author demands no pity party in the process. You can feel her strong voice from the book. You cry, you laugh and you get angry because of the pain she went through but she is offloading from a healing space.
It is true that what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.

Its the 1st time I read a book and I am speechless. I seriously do not know how to express myself about this book, but I will try because it is in my nature to share.

For whatever reason, Thuli could not remember what happened before she was 7. So the story begins when she was 7 years old, things that happened just in that year forced me to close the book at chapter 2. I am glad I did that because when I came back to it, I realized, Thuli wants no one to cry by sharing this instead she wants people to know that though we go through our valleys, giving up is never an option. I saw a girl growing from
strength to strength.
Thuli suffered through the hands of both maternal and “paternal” side of families. She was different, light skinned, in the black family. She was called names, like yellow, mbovana etc. Though she was young, let alone the treatment she received, she felt that her “father” was not hers. Well in our black communities, we ask no questions but accept what you are told regardless of how you feel.

In the book she never calls her parents as “my mother/father/grandparent” that shows how distant she felt around them. As she grew up she tried to search for the truth but no one came forward but was told “Father” the one married to “Mother” was indeed her father.

Later in life when she was forced to accept her calling as a traditional healer , that she had put on hold for a long time, she had to first get her real identity which meant she had to reveal family secret that she was a product of incest. The painful truth that she did not just share the surname with her mother but also shared the same father. All she needed to do was to accept and correct the wrongs that adults kept hidden for years until some including her real father died.

The story left me so conflicted. Though this particular grandpa loved her and always gave great advices to her, why did he allow his daughter(Thuli) to go through all the things she went through? Was he afraid that if he acted accordingly, the truth will be out? I have a love-hate relationship with this man.
The mother, I do not know if I hate her or feel sorry for her. She hated her daughter so much that even when her husband ill treated her daughter she will side with the husband! But well things that are not dealt with come with such actions.

What is more sad is that this is a non fiction book, this happened to the author and that dealt with my emotions so bad. She is a successful award winning journalist which then says to the reader “no matter how bad your background is, how you were conceived, circumstances and all, you are responsible for your future and who you become as an adult”. No curse nor witchcraft can stop you to go higher and higher until you reach your goals. It doesn’t mean it will be easy but soldier on. After-all resilient people always come out stronger. It also does not mean you will not fall, you will like Thuli did, and got pregnant but one has to fall and wake up, dust yourself and move on.

Thank you sis Thuli for being so brave and shared your story. I love the way you narrated the story, you are indeed a great story teller. You seek no pity from anyone but shared your story with such maturity and I hope many people will get healed after reading this. Like you said before one heals one goes through so much pain. I pray one-day your mother will open up and share her story with you so that she will also find peace and heal. As I was reading, I was thinking wow, I wonder how your family members felt when they read this. Did they cry? Did they understand the pain you went through under their care? Did this touch them? Did they want to reach out? Well this is your story, your truth so let them deal with it

[Nondumiso · Rating 3 out of 5]

Reading Colour Me Yellow, I felt like an adult watching helplessly over a child’s unfolding plight. A relentlessly heart-breaking story of rejection – first by Thuli’s own mother, then by society, because she is different – this book makes for a deeply-emotional read about a woman growing into her own existence. It’s a radical memoir of pain and heartache.

There is nothing pretentious about Nhlapo’s writing. She offers a straightforward, well-detailed account of events, unpacking the horrors of family secrets – the kind that haunt us forever. Hers is a retelling of failed traditions that go unaddressed for centuries.

Nhlapo grows up in an environment where her mother tells her she hated being pregnant with her. She yearns for a normal childhood and how it feels for people to call you by your name instead of ‘Yellow’.

[Tsholofelo · Rating 4 out of 5]

I still have many questions that need answers to. But overall this is a lovely but very much emotionally draining book.

[Iwatula Shikufa · Rating 1 out of 5]

The writing is stagnant. Plot is rather boring.

[Mpho Bernadette · Rating 5 out of 5]

The book was packed with heartbreaking accounts of her childhood that continued to manifest themselves into her future. The extent of suffering she experienced at the hand of people who were accountable for her well being is too much for anyone, let alone a child. I cried with disbelief at some of the things that were imposed on her by her step father, with the approval of her mother, some of them from her own mother.

The book sees Thuli transition into a young woman and this is where I start to feel some anger towards her. As a child I understand that she was powerless to the ill-treatment she received, but as an adult she still went back to her family for more abuse. I felt she should have written off her mother, step father and siblings when they refused to acknowledge her first son as family. By going back, she would be subjecting her children to the same pain she suffered as a child.

I am happy that in the end she finally found resolution, as much as it came with devastating revelations, at least she knew the truth.

Thuli is an excellent writer and her journalistic background comes through in the book. I love how the book is written from her point of view, and does not make assumptions about the other individuals’ reasons for who they are. The story is purely about her and not about who do did what, or how wrong they are.

[Thelma Melk · Rating 5 out of 5]

You will not believe the ending! Thuli is despised by her mother and you are led to believe that the circumstances of her conception are what causes this hatred. Thuli passes for a colored person and the belief is that she must have been conceived through an illicit affair her mother had. She is mocked and taunted all her life. She goes on a painful journey in her adult life to find the person she believes should be her father- all the while he is right there. Her mother is of no assistance and refuses point blank even under duress to tell Thuli who her father is. In fact the whole family has some unspoken pack around Thuli and her bloodline. Painful and heart wrenching, perhaps even inhuman. Great story.

[Pam Magwaza · Rating 4 out of 5]

Half-way through reading Colour Me Yellow, my heart refused to believe it was a true story. How could someone go through so much pain, rejection, and abuse and still live to tell the tale so gracefully – that is exactly what Thul Nhlapo did.
Colour Me Yellow is award-winning journalist, Thuli Nhlapo’s memoir about how she went about searching for her family truth.
Just by reading the synopsis and the first few pages you can establish three things: Thuli’s mother wishes she was never born, she’s the ‘black (yellow in this case) sheep of the family and she suffers a tremendous amount of physical, emotional and verbal abuse from her family.
Through every chapter, Thuli writes in an almost ‘matter-of-fact’ manner which reveals that she has long lost a sense of self-pity. Even in the last pages where the shocking truth about her life is revealed, she does not spend much time going through how it made her feel or what effect it had on her.
What is thoroughly explored, however, is the African tradition and how Thuli went about finding and eventually accepting her calling to become a traditional healer.

[Tsholo Molopyane · Rating 3 out of 5]

....’to all children who were broken.....ours is a road less traveled, one road we wished never existed but we aren’t children anymore, we have grown to be adults. When these broken little children inside us cry for a pity-party, let’s remind them, it was just a road and not our destination....no need for shame and feeling sorry for ourselves. Let’s walk tall and claim our space in the world. ‘ colour me yellow

[Jacqui · Rating 2 out of 5]

The story is quite sad. Everyone needs to know where they come from. I am glad that she fought for the truth.
The ending seems rushed for me. It was all over the place, I sensed a lot of half truths. I wish we knew more about the maternal grandfather(her real father). What happened between him and his daughter(her mother), was it rape? How did his wife feel about it? Why does it seem like the entire family was OK with it?

[JM · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book, but it was definitely very sad. A lot of build up leading to an ending that felt a bit rushed. Overall a good read and as a South African fun to see how the author uses language throughout the book. Also, keeping track of the family members could get a little confusing because the author doesn't use their names.

[Andi Sulo · Rating 3 out of 5]

Just finished this book, never been more depressed in my life but the final chapter redeemed me, was disappointed with the writing I live for beautiful literature and I didn't find that in this book, I guess that's the difference between fiction and nonfiction

[Xabisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have no words,I felt the pain ,Sometimes I wanted to shake Thuli and tell her to stop being so stubborn and allow people to help her,what her grandfather said about human beings,God and destiny was so powerful

You deserve all the happiness in the world.

[Kanyisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

This has to be the best book I have ever read. Well written book. It gives us another perspective of life and it gives us courage that we can strive against all odds.

[Lindi · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book made me laugh, got me annoyed, confused, brought me to tears but most of all it made me want to search for the truth. Thuli, thank you for telling your story.

[Bronwen Hassan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Beautiful story. How family secrets can destroy an individuals life.

[Lerato Tikwayo · Rating 5 out of 5]

I never knew the extent to which people will go to discover their true identity. I sure hope that as responsible adults we never bury secrets that keep our children from knowing who they really are.

[Lungi Manzini · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow what a book - read it in a day. I admire Thuli’s strength- she’s indeed an amazing woman to have survived such emotional scars. As I was reading the book I just couldn’t believe I was reading non-fiction. All I can reiterate after reading this book is that: remember to always be kind to people because you don’t know what they have been through. What you see on the outside is influenced by deep and sometimes painful experiences.A person is like an iceberg - so be kind - always.

[AfroBonVivant · Rating 3 out of 5]

"...please, dear God, help me not to cry for I'm scared it may take forever to calm down."

This story caused me endless agony-and-anger fueled intertwined moments. Agony, from the horrendous experiences Thuli had, and continues, to endure at the hands of the people she calls family. Anger, because the very thing that makes us human, the desire to love and be loved in return, is what caused Thuli such unrelenting pain; even in her latter years when it would have been an understandable act of self-preservation to just walk away.

The story details the atrocities Thuli faced from childhood to adulthood at the hands of her family. She is unwanted by her mother; a truth Thuli's mother is neither hesitant nor remorseful to share with Thuli. She is unloved by her father; evidenced by how he treats Thuli with such brazen contempt in comparison to her younger siblings. She is ill-treated by her paternal grandmother; but then again she ill-treats everyone! She is tormented by her cousins, who all teased and beat her to the point of tearing a blood vessel in her nose, knowing that there would be no consequences to bear. She seeks refuge with aunts and uncles, all of whom eventually turn her away and conjure up unbelievable lies in an attempt to get rid of her. She is never called by her name; a further act to alienate her and rob her of her humanity and belonging.

Thuli's story left me absolutely perturbed; to imagine those details being the daily occurrences of someone's life gives me the chills! Her story is evidence of the repercussions of family secrets; the devastating consequences that transpire when family members attempt to hide the truth under the pretence that it is "family business" and it will all somehow magically work itself out without any need for retribution or healing.

Thank you for sharing your story with us Thuli.