Running on Empty No More: Transform Your Relationships with Your Partner, Your Parents & Your Children

by Jonice Webb

Als je gebukt gaat onder de gevolgen van emotionele verwaarlozing in je kindertijd, wil je graag weten hoe je de cirkel doorbreekt zodat je niet in hetzelfde patroon stapt met je eigen kinderen. Te weinig aandacht voor je emotionele ontwikkeling in je kindertijd heeft een grote impact op je leven en je relaties. De tijd is rijp om het geworstel achter je te laten.

Veel mensen lijden onbewust onder het gebrek aan aandacht voor hun emoties in hun kindertijd. Ze hebben geen idee waarom ze niet gelukkig zijn of waarom de relatie met hun kinderen of hun partner vaak zo moeizaam is. In Patronen van ongekende gevoelens doorbreken laat Jonice Webb zien dat als je een olifant in de kamer benoemt (je bent emotioneel verwaarloosd door je ouders), je de stap richting heling van de belangrijkste relaties in je leven kunt maken. Je gaat aan de slag met vragen Is het zinvol om met mijn ouders te gaan praten? Moet ik het gesprek aangaan met mijn eigen kinderen? Heeft mijn partner eenzelfde soort jeugd gehad als ik, en moeten we het daar over hebben? Aan de hand van voorbeelden uit de praktijk, tips, vragenlijsten en stappenplannen neem je de verantwoordelijkheid in je eigen hand en doorbreek je je patronen van gebrekkige beleving van emoties, emotionele afstand en onuitgesproken gevoelens. Al je relaties knappen ervan de relatie met je kinderen, ouders, partner, familie en vooral die met jezelf!

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Relationships, Mental Health, Parenting, Audiobook

245 pages, Kindle Edition

Published November 7, 2017

About the author

Jonice Webb, PhD is a licensed psychologist, blogger and best-selling author of two books. Recognized worldwide as the pioneer of Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), Dr. Webb created Fuel Up For Life, the first and only online CEN Recovery Program. She has been interviewed about Childhood Emotional Neglect on NPR and many radio shows and podcasts. Her work has appeared in CNBC.com, Psychology Today, Psychcentral.com, The Chicago Tribune and The Elephant Journal. Visit her website: www.EmotionalNeglect.com.

Reviews

[Kim · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you have parents that never talked about feelings, suppressed them or avoided them and you feel empty or lost then this book really helps you to work through a recovery process to turn your life around. This psychologist has really pinpointed the problems associated with Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) and helps you to heal from these often hidden problems that are a result of this treatment. I have already had many years of therapy but this book has isolated and named things that have accelerated my understanding and progress.

[MvO · Rating 1 out of 5]

WARNING, THIS BOOK MAY HARM YOU.
Why? Because this book can convince you of things that aren’t true. The author offers a one-size-fits-all explanation of everything that is wrong with your life: it is not your fault, you are just a victim of CEN (Child Emotional Neglect). It is human nature to love such a simplistic and soothing message, but don’t get fooled by this Siren. CEN may have been the explanation of the author’s problems, but it doesn’t mean it explains yours. Instead of giving readers a clear way to know if this is true for them, the author uses the “power of suggestion” persuasion technique on the reader, inviting to remember how the reader was emotionally neglected as a child and, speaking as if this were a fact, repeatedly talking about “Your CEN”. The power of suggestion is dangerous and has been used to let people “remember” things that never happened and even confess to crimes they didn’t commit. I suspect that many normal readers will fall into this trap, because if you search enough in your memories, you will find “the evidence”, even if you were the least emotionally neglected child of the planet. After all, parents can’t be there for their children 24/7. Parents need to survive themselves, they have jobs, relations, other children and it is inevitable that there were times that they didn’t give you the attention you wanted. This is not neglect, this is a fact of life everyone has to get used to. But even if this were not so, “remembering” is still unlikely to provide you evidence for “your CEN”. Why? The stated symptoms of this so-called CEN are similar to some symptoms of what psychologists call “insecure attachment styles” and research indicates that such attachment styles are in place before children form their first explicit memories (eg. In their 3rd year). If this is true, then you can’t remember whatever your parents did to cause “your CEN”.
So this book presents you with a simplistic and seductive explanation of why you have problems and it is difficult to know if this applies to you. Ok, but how can that harm you? The problem is that readers may attribute their problems to their parents, while the real causes of their problems are elsewhere. So instead of investigating further, they may feel soothed by this one-dimensional simple message and meanwhile fail to address the real causes of their problems. Furthermore, the author also wants the reader to “spread the message” to their parents and kids, implanting the idea that the goal should be that the parents go to the author’s website or that they read the author’s book (the reader is free to choose). If you get tricked into falsely believing you are a victim of CEN, then it is easy to see involving your parents may damage your relationship with them.
There may be people who can benefit from this book, but you can’t really know if you are in this group. And even if you are in this group, there are other books that address such issues without the persuasion, without the potential harm and without the Multi-Level-Marketing encouragement to spread the message. Which books are these? “Attached” by Heller & Levine get into the problems that several attachment styles can have. Instead of blaming your parents, they invite you to own your problems and give you tools to improve. Same thing for “Bouncing Back” by Graham & Hanson, which has many suggestions backed by scientific evidence.
If after reading this review you still want to read “Running on Empty no more”, I just hope you will not take everything at face value. Or in the parlance of the Author, that you have strong “external boundaries” in place that protect you from this book brainwashing you. Still, my recommendation would be to have a strong “physical boundary” between you and the book: avoid it!

[Valerie A. · Rating 5 out of 5]

“When you grow up looking into your parents’ eyes and seeing an inadequate, unclear or inaccurate reflection of yourself, you do not have the opportunity to learn who you are. This sets you up to struggle through life with a lack of information about your true nature.” Life changing book for me. The only problem a I have with it is the Quiz which ai think could incorrectly identify someone with CEN, because the “symptoms” could apply to many other issues including ADHD and anxiety.

[Jan · Rating 3 out of 5]

A good self-help book for parent and those who have living parents. Main emphasis: are you a child of emotional neglect yourself?

[Gillian · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was excellent, I liked it even more than Dr. Webb's first book on childhood emotional neglect. The book offers very practical advice for how to understand and start to heal from CEN, and how to introduce this concept to other important people in your life, such as your partner, parents, and children. The case examples really help you to understand the concept of CEN and how it affects families in different ways, and also help to humanize the concept and help people who have experienced CEN feel less alone. The book is very well-written overall. I think one of the most important aspects of the book is that it is actively non-judgmental. Dr. Webb makes sure the reader knows that they are not to blame for the ways that CEN gets perpetuated inter-generationally. I honestly think that anyone who has kids or is planning to have kids should read this book. It is one of the most important books about parenting that one could read in my opinion, since CEN is incredibly pervasive and has such a huge impact on children's present and future mental and emotional health. I have seen how CEN affects people in my own life and also in the lives of my clients (I am a social worker). I have spoken about CEN with clients and recommended Dr. Webb's website, and I have seen how helpful it is for them to finally have a name for what they have been experiencing. Thank you so much, Dr. Webb!

[غدير · Rating 4 out of 5]

من خلال عملها كمعالجة نفسية لمدة ٢٠ عاما ، ومن تجربتها الشخصية للإهمال العاطفي في الطفولة ، تلخص الدكتورة اثر الإهمال العاطفي على العلاقات بالشريك و بالوالدين و بالأبناء في اجزاء على التوالي ، وكيف تصلح علاقاتك بالجميع بعد تجربة الإهمال التي من ثمراتها التعاطف ، طريقة التغيير والعناية و التشافي ، يناقش على التوالي بالتشخيص القصصي والتعليق ( بورتريه لعلاقة عانت من اهمال عاطفي في الطفوله ،تأثير الإهمال في اختيار الشريك، تأثيره على العلاقات والمهارات المطلوبة لعلاقة مترابطة ، كيف تتحدث عن الاهمال وكيف تصلح العلاقات ، الأسر المهملة عاطفيا وقد كبرو ،كيف يؤثر الإهمال في علاقتك بوالديك، حماية النفس والحدود ، مشاعرك كوالد ، اثر الاهمال العاطفي على تربيتك ،تغيير اسلوب التربية، كيف تتحدث مع ابنك عن الاهمال العاطفي ، ختاما بورتريه لتعافي)

الكتاب مناسب :
للقارئ المتوسط .
المهتم في مجال علم النفس.
لمن يشعر بالاحباط بلاسبب مبرر.
لمن يهدف لإصلاح علاقاته .
لمن يريد تطوير مهارات الذكاء العاطفي .
لمن يريد تحسين ذاته .
للمربين لتفادي الإهمال العاطفي ومعالجته .
لكتاب الروايات لفهم النفس البشرية .

اقتباسات:
- الحب الذي تعرفه وأنت طفل هو الحب الذي يبدو لك حقيقيا ومريحا وطبيعيا وانت راشد .
- العراك صحي في العلاقة لاتوجد وسيلة لشخصين لربط حياتهما بقوة لعقود من دون مواجهة اختلافات مهمة في الرأي مئات ،او على الأرجح آلاف المرات .
- طور كل شخص أهمل عاطفيا في الطفولة نظامه الفريد لتجنب المشاعر .
- كيف تبدو الأم السوية عاطفيًّا؟ أولًا، تهتم بطفلها، وتدرك ما يفعله طفلها عمومًا. إنها هي نفسها سوية عاطفيًّا، وتتمتع بمهاراتٍ عاطفية جيدة. ولأنها قادرة على تحديد مشاعر الآخرين، تستطيع تحديد ما يشعر به طفلها، وبسبب تعاطفها، يمكنها أيضًا أن تشعر بمشاعر طفلها، مما يمنحها قدرة رائعة على أن تضع نفسها مكانه، وتتخيل أن تكون هو، وتمنحه ما يحتاج إليه.
- عمق الشعور المتبادل هو الذي يجعلك تشعر بالامتلاء وليس عدد الأشخاص.
- يتطور لدى كل طفلٍ إحساسٌ واضحٌ بهويته حين ينتبه والداه ويلاحظان هويَّته.
- قدرتك على رؤية نفسك، ومعرفة نفسك، والاستجابة لاحتياجاتك، وتقبُّل الدعم العاطفي من الآخرين يمكِّنك من رؤية طفلك، ومعرفة هويته، والاستجابة لاحتياجاته، وتقديم الدعم العاطفي له.
- إذا كنت تتحكم في طفلك بشكلٍ مفرطٍ لمنع الأخطاء، فأنت أيضًا تهمله عاطفيًّا.
- التعاطف سمادٌ يغذي كل شيء جيد لينمو أسرع ويزدهر أكثر.

[Michael Burnam-Fink · Rating 4 out of 5]

Emotions are tricky. We learn how to handle, or not handle, emotions in our childhood, but what if your parents are abusive, neglectful, or simply busy handling their own lives at key moments. This is the second book in Webb's Childhood Emotional Neglect framework, where Webb argues that a lot of the trouble that you experience right now is due to how you were raised, and that you can consciously shift this dynamic and find meaning in your own life.

A lot of this hits home, as someone with two very Type A, problem solving parents, who were not great at their own emotions. But I also wonder what the practical takeway is, aside from being more deliberative and drawing boundaries with bad parents who won't correct their behavior.

[Michelle Arredondo · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is coming off the heels of it's previous book, Running On Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect...meant to steer us towards the idea of learning more from CED but also learning how to engage in conversation about it, how to heal from it. The title alone grasped me. Running on empty seems to be a common phrase that most parents (if they are honest) would describe their daily lives to be....most especially when you come from a life, before kids, where you were already emotional scarred in some way. Sometimes we don't recover or heal from it...we just become adults and have kids and put it in the backburner..and that's never a good thing. It's an interesting book with an interesting concept with a big powerful message.

Relatable on such a personal level...I was able to comprehend the message. Uplifting, powerful, and extremely helpful. This guide allows you to explore what is at the root of some of our issues and gets us to face them. Then there's the coping. Practical easy to follow tips and exercises that help us work out the day to day issues of our lives. Emotional neglect is a real thing...and one that has to be tackled and overcome. Such an eye opener. Every line is impactful. You will not be bogged down with unnecessary information. You will not feel like you are being sold a cheesy message...a message with no true understanding of the people behind the content. This is not some cliche "self help" book where the author just wants to make millions off of people that will give into anything. Dr. Jonice Webb writes with much research behind her belt but also with a compassion for the people that want the help.

A great useful resourceful book that I highly recommend.

Thanks as always to the wonderful people of goodreads, Dr. Jonice Webb, and to Morgan James Publishing for my free copy of this book in exchange for an honest review to which I gladly and voluntarily gave.

[Aimee · Rating 4 out of 5]

The next book on my childhood emotional neglect journey. This was a great follow up book, especially if you're wanting specific ways you can improve your relationship with your spouse, parents, and children. Parents I'm not ready to tackle yet, but helping make sure my kids aren't affected I can do! My takeaways - observe and take note of my kids' nature, skills, strengths, etc. then talk about my observations with them so they can create a picture of themselves. Share my feelings with my kids too, especially when I'm getting frustrated and about to blow up 😅. Continue to name emotions as much as possible until they hit adolescence, then step back on attention to emotions.


*Re-read when we've got teens and want more advice and when wanting to talk to my kids about CEN

[Laurynas · Rating 3 out of 5]

Įdomi tema: santykiai nesiklosto tinkamai ir sunku suprasti savo partnerį, nes vienas iš poroje esančių vaikystėje patyrė nepriežiūrą ir nemoka reikšti savo jausmų, nemoka atjausti kito ir net nemato tam reikalo. Reiktu pabrėžti, kad kalbama būtent apie emocinę nepriežiūrą, o ne smurtą ar kitokį vaikytėje patirtą fizinį žalojimą. Pavyko užčiuopti naujų metodų ir požiūrio, kas tobulėjimo knygose retas reiškinys. Knygos gale mano dėmesį prarado, galbūt todėl, kad analizuotos man jau neaktualios temos. Nepaisant to, džiaugiuosi perskaitęs, asmeniškai pajutau naudą ir labiau suprantu savo antrąją pusę.

[Rick Yvanovich · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read this as a result of its predecessor Running on Empty to learn the how-to handle CEN in yourself and others. Whether you have CEN or not the importance of this book to me is just more understanding of what CEN is about and how to handle it. Maybe one of your friends or work colleagues is impacted by CEN, armed with this greater understanding from this book we are in a position to be more empathetic and be helpful on how to help them.

A fascinating read

[Nikki Rich · Rating 3 out of 5]

When I saw this book I thought it would be a great read for me and a good tool to help me on my journey as a child, wife and mother. But as I read the book I felt like I had been doing this work for so long that it almost didn’t feel relevant to me anymore. I think someone beginning their journey might greatly benefit from this but for me it was just okay.

[Oana Neag | Jurnal de lectură · Rating 5 out of 5]

Cartea este plină de exemple care ajută cititorul să treacă de la partea teoretică la cea practică.
Vocabularul este ușor de înțeles și de interiorizat.
Este o carte foarte bună. De multe ori când citesc o carte de genul acesta, imi spun : “ Ok, super informație, dar nu voi putea aplica asta niciodată!”
Nu e cazul acestei cărți. Pentru ca nu simți presiunea de a aplica ceva. Ci mai degrabă, te simți înțeles și validat.
Cartea te ajută să te vindeci. Din interior spre exterior. Tu pe tine, în liniște.
Ca mai apoi, dacă nu vrei să “predai” teorie mai departe familiei, poți liniștit sa îți schimbi sau îmbunătățești relațiile cu ceilalți prin comportament progresiv, relaxat, în propriul tău ritm.
Nu există vindecare de pe azi pe mâine. Este nevoie de timp, uneori ani. Parcursul este încet, iar pașii mici.

[Susanna · Rating 4 out of 5]

Väga hea järg, st siin hakkab töö pihta, millele sillutati teed esimeses raamatus.
Lugemiseks soovitan taas aega võtta, sest LEH inimestele on siin küllaga äratundmispisaraid tulemas.
Mulle oli raskeim tõdemus 9. peatüki Toimetulekustrateegiate osa, sest oi, kuidas seda olen pidanud omal käel (üksinda) õppima.

Oleks võinud varem seda raamatut lugeda. Nii 15 aastat varem vähemalt!

[Marieke · Rating 5 out of 5]

Goed boek. Duidelijk geschreven, leest makkelijk en met veel goede voorbeelden erin. Maakt je bewust van je relaties en hoe je die goede aandacht geeft, voornamelijk naar je kinderen toe. Hoe belangrijk emotionele opvoeding is!

[Andrei · Rating 2 out of 5]

Jätk heale raamatule, mis avab küll praktilisi viise traumade oma lähedastega lahkamiseks, kuid lisab eelkäijale oma mahu kohta võrdlemisi vähe. 2.5/5

[Nikki Lavarias · Rating 3 out of 5]

Helpful things to consider if you or your loved one was a CEN ie child of emotional neglect

[Rachel · Rating 3 out of 5]

A book about repairing relationships w spouse, parents, and children if you realize your parents never taught you how to feel your feelings. Definitely some helpful examples and tips in here, although I kept feeling a bit put off by the use of the term "emotional neglect" to describe this dynamic ...

[Kye Flannery · Rating 5 out of 5]

Practical, useful storytelling, nourishing, kind, wise.

[eb · Rating 4 out of 5]

For some reason, Goodreads doesn't have the audio edition of this book, which is narrated by Dr. Webb herself, so I chose the Kindle Edition even though I listened to this in my car via my library's digital copy on Overdrive. It's really quite good: straightforward, understandable, empathetic. I am particularly struck by how pervasive CEN is and how it explains so many self-destructive behaviors that never seemed to have an origin or reason since CEN parents are often caring and loving and provide for all their children's physical needs. It's just that the lack of emotional connection creates some real problems.

I want to listen again to take advantage of some time to process and to really go through the exercises in identifying and talking about emotions and working through how to speak to family about that. That's the one downside to the audio: in a book like this, which requires processing and workbook exercises to get the full benefit there's little opportunity to do it right.

[Toni Rahman · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have been following Dr. Webb for some time now, with her insightful blogs and articles. But in this book her writing is her most clear, incisive and instructive. She gets to the meat of this issue, letting survivors and support people alike know what childhood emotional neglect is and what can be done about it. Our culture is in dire need of this information at this moment in time, when the status quo would have us skirting the surface, yearning for deep connection and believing that only others can have it. Without these tools we are destined to remain forever unrequited.

[Billie Walden · Rating 1 out of 5]

Interesting reading, but…I felt that one must first believe there is something pathologically wrong with being an ISTJ in order for this to be helpful and not offensive. I found myself frequently cringing at her descriptions. How do I feel after reading this? That I wasted a great deal of my time. Much like the Marie Kondo theorists claim those who like stuff are “wrong,” Ms Webb believes those who value logic over emotion are in need of counseling and change to live full lives. I don’t feel it.

[Kaleigh · Rating 4 out of 5]

I haven't had a chance to read the first one, but I enjoyed that fact that it didn't seem to matter much when listening to this one. This book is full of valuable advice on how to manage relationships that involve CEN, whether you are the person who has CEN or it is someone else in your family. I really appreciated the real world examples of how to open doors to conversations that are uncomfortable to have but can be really healing.

[Tu Ngoc · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is the continuation of the same author's book: Running on Empty. It pays close attention on how to solve the consequence of Childhood Emotional Neglect for adults, family, parents. It also help parents to avoid commiting CEN in their daily parenting.

[Dolaporn Euaungkanakulgmail.Com · Rating 5 out of 5]

Touched my heart so deeply :) cannot recommend enough

[Madalina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Valuable sequel to Running on empty, it provides actionable advice on how to manage family relationships

[Michael Sasson · Rating 4 out of 5]

I very much appreciated that the author had compassion for everyone involved (and writes well).

[Julius Hinton · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book, along with the preceding edition, is proving to be absolutely crucial in the awareness, and development, of my emotional self.

[Kelly · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good rule of thumb - first respond to the emotion, then respond to the behaviour.

True empathy is free from the strings and barriers of judgement.

[L.A. · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is not perfect, but it’s a worthwhile read for anyone who wants to raise emotionally intelligent children. For me it offers the sensible path between “gentle parenting” and the authoritarian parenting I grew up with. What’s more, although I liked some things about the first “Running on Empty” better, the examples related to parents and children in this rendition are invaluable.

The other rendition had clearer enactment steps at the end, I thought. The ones for marriage here (chapters 1-5) were pretty good. This book, like the first rendition, speaks so clearly to what my husband is like, what he struggles with, and how his family is. It gives me hope to be understood by the author. But it feels like a mountain when reading the enactment steps, because my husband is mostly not reachable right now. I did add in some research on attachment theory as a result of this book, and I’m working with a counselor on ways I can model healthy emotional life in hopes that my CEN spouse will be able to at least recreate a bridge with his parents, and more importantly heal himself, so he can help teach our children how to be emotionally healthy too.

But the bulk of this book is about parent-child issues, and those enactment steps seemed more repetitive and overlapping: examples, changes to make, prevention and enrichment steps for different age groups, advantages and disadvantages to talking about CEN, questions to decide if you should talk about CEN with someone, success steps, more examples. Disclaimer that one of my parents (the more CEN one) is deceased, and the other not likely to change (though he’s far less CEN), plus I am working really hard at teaching my two children ages six and under about emotional life, so I’m mostly reading all this through the eyes of helping my husband and his parents…hopefully…eventually…