Tango Lessons

by Meghan Flaherty

Tango was an unlikely choice for Meghan Flaherty. A young woman living with the scars of past trauma, she was terrified of being touched and shied away from real passion. But by her late twenties, she knew something had to change. So she dug up an old dream and tried on her dancing shoes.
 
In tango, there’s a leader and a follower, and, traditionally, the woman follows. As Meghan moved from beginner classes to the late-night dance halls of New York’s vibrant tango underground, she discovered that more than any footwork, the hardest and most essential lesson of the dance was to follow with strength and agency; to find her balance, regardless of the lead. And as she broke her own rule—never mix romance and tango—she started to apply those lessons in every corner of her life. Written in wry, lyrical prose, and beautifully enriched by the vivid history and culture of the dance, Tango Lessons is a transformative story of conquering your fears, living your dreams, and enjoying the dizzying freedom found in the closest embrace.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Biography, Biography Memoir, Audiobook

325 pages, Kindle Edition

First published June 19, 2018

Reviews

[Waverly Fitzgerald · Rating 5 out of 5]

I didn't want to like this book because I was jealous. This is the book I wanted to write. When I first started dancing tango, I was as besotted with it as Meghan Flaherty and frequently wrote about my experiences, how tango becomes an obsession, how it transforms you, how it situates you in your body. But by the time I read the first few chapters, I had let go of my ambition to write about tango and was just swept away by the Flaherty's elegant and sinuous prose and the way she has captured the different phases one goes through as a tango dancer: the beginning glow, the sleepwalking phase, the search for the right teacher, the drive to learn technique, the frustration of tango festivals, the desire to learn the opposite role. She dances in New York City, and she describes the various milongas and teachers (I recognized similar gatherings and teaching styles from the Seattle scene) and dancers (the overly analytical practice partner, the flashy guy who is on the prowl for new female dancers to dazzle, the demanding female teacher from Argentina). She even mentions some of my favorite teachers (Rebecca Shulman and Brigitta Winkler). But that's only one thread of a complex book. She also tells the history of tango, describes the music in exquisite detail (this book needs a sound track), translates and analyzes the lyrics, considers how tango both reinforces and explodes traditional gender roles. Plus there's a personal story at the heart of the book: she was abused as a young girl and is afraid of men and intimacy when the book opens, living in a sexless relationship with her male best friend. Tango opens her up, allows her to be held, to be increasingly more comfortable with her body and her sexuality, and finally to realize that she can ask for her own needs to be met, while dancing, in life. I was a little bit disappointed that the book ends with her acceptance to an MFA program (her dream career--and obviously a successful one) and in love with a man she met at a milonga (the man of her dreams--and obviously a successful relationship--they now have an eight month old child), because it seemed too much like a fairy tale ending, but it's the perfect ending for this story.

[Leslie Trovato · Rating 5 out of 5]

I grabbed Tango Lessons on a whim in a bookshop on vacation. I knew nothing about tango, nor had I any idea Meghan's words would resonate so deeply. Not only is she an incredible writer (and I am very picky about what qualifies as well written), but she expresses a self-awareness and connection to her journey as a woman in a powerful way. Finding the universal in one's story takes a vulnerability and curiosity most people aren't willing to engage. But Meghan isn't simply telling a self-absorbed tale about her tumultuous life (clearly some other reviewers have missed the point). She is calling her reader to look her in the eye, forming our own version of cabeceo, and be swept up in the pain, the chaos, the loneliness, the hunger we all feel. She is so humble, so exposed, self-effacing, but not ever soliciting pity. Tango Lessons wrapped gentle words around some of my own deep wounds, the derailment of my dignity in relationships, my instinct to let someone lead without keeping my own footing. And in this resonance, as I kept in step with Meghan and her journey, I found more balance in my own dance. And this, I believe, is the highest goal of memoir: to name something deeply, achingly human and speak hope into the void. Some writers shout, but Meghan whispers. I imagine the way she writes is much like the way she dances, full of subtle, intricate beauty, perhaps nothing eye-catching on first glance, but richer and more intentional than a hundred other more showy voices. If you're in it for the voyeurism, you won't be satisfied; it's quite obvious Meghan recognizes her past is not particularly unique, nor does she linger indulgently on her trauma, though it is significant. But her book does require that you pay attention, that you honor her, not consume her for one's own gratification. This book is for anyone who needs reminding that he or she is worthy of so much more, that we are not defined by our past, that we are more than our worst mistakes, and that the music is always playing. It's just a matter of whether we muster the bravery to get up and keep dancing.

[Iryna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved it. Every word of it. The writing is beautiful, the story is honest & raw at times, the echoes of tango are heard on every page... Want to go back to the beginning now & read it all again, hopefully slower this time.

[Audrey · Rating 4 out of 5]

I heard Meghan Flaherty read at Kepler's "Story is the Thing" event, and I'm so glad I did because I might not otherwise have picked up "Tango Lessons." I don't (didn't) know anything about tango and I don't usually read memoir. This book will teach you more than you could believe there is to know about tango's past and present.

But what kept me going was Flaherty's own tender story. Tango was a huge part of her life for a long time and played a big part in shaping who she has become. She writes about this with exquisite insight and dazzling but never overdone language. I truly enjoyed immersing myself in her world.

[Jaime · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is amazing. It's a beautiful coming-of-age and coming-into-yourself story, intertwined with a fascinating story about tango—how it came to be danced all over the world and what it means to be people who dance it. Beautifully written and beautifully felt.

[Liz Pardey · Rating 5 out of 5]

The tango is as intoxicating to watch as it is to dance and learning about it is a joy. It's also a salvation to Meghan Flaherty as she gradually overcomes the damage that was done to her by early childhood abuse. And when an injury means she can no longer dance as she used to -- obsessively -- it no longer matters.

[David · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is interesting, even for a definite non-dancer. The different threads are woven together really well so despite their differences forward motion is seamless. Engaging.

[Cara · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautifully written and lots of fun history pieces (as well as lovely personal narrative). Just exactly my cup of tea.

[Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don’t know if it’s because I’ve recently taken up Argentine Tango as a new hobby or because I’m also a writer, but this book was delightful to read. The author was very adept at merging the history of Tango into her experiences with learning the dance and all that comes with it. How she used the world of Tango as almost a character in her story was very clever. It gave depth and intrigue to her romantic relationships that otherwise would have gone unnoticed. I would definitely recommend this book to anybody who has ever struggled in life and who might be curious about the world of Tango!

[Naima Coster · Rating 5 out of 5]

This memoir is as moving and poignant as it is hilarious. It's full of adventure (and misadventure) as we follow Flaherty from dance to dance, partner to partner, as she tries to find her way out of a difficult past, a thankless job, a withering relationship. And yet, the book never compromises depth for its energetic pacing. As the book moves, we see deeply into one woman's fears, insecurities, and desires. Tango becomes a way for her to step out of doubt and into a courageous vitality. She reclaims her life and her sexuality through the dance, and it's a powerful, intimate journey that the reader feels lucky to be a part of. It's as if the book is being whispered into your ear by a smart, candid, tender friend, whose prose happens to be totally luminous.

The descriptions of the dance itself and the milongas were immersive and fun to read. I felt that I was there, and I found myself kicking around the idea of even learning to dance tango... This book is also much more than a memoir of a single person. It's about the history of a dance, the cultural history of a place. It accounts for the intricacies of race and class and the origins of tango deftly. That being said, the heart of TANGO LESSONS remains the author's journey toward self-acceptance, daring, and a more fulfilling life that includes intimacy and connection to others as well as her body and herself. I love this book, and I'd recommend it to anyone who loves stories of women's inner lives, self-determination, dance, love, finding your way.

[SundayAtDusk · Rating 2 out of 5]

After reading only 16 pages, I began to wonder if Meghan Flaherty was going to continue telling her life story in such a self-absorbed way. I suspected she was and she did. Everyone else in her memoir is a bit player. She is the star. The falling star, who could only rise up again so high, before shame, for something she was not guilty of, sent her spiraling back down. At least, that's how she tells the story. As an aspiring actress who didn't make the cut, she also liked the drama and melancholia of it all, as well as the neverending drama and melancholia of tango. Yet she sees tango as her salvation. Fans of tango may very well have more patience for this memoir than I did.

When asked by her future husband why she was writing a memoir instead of a novel, Ms. Flaherty tells him she had a screwed-up childhood. She did indeed. Just like lots of other individuals. But is that a legitimate reason, or even a good one, to write a memoir? Obviously, many publishers and editors think it is a very good reason. Personally, I think they are doing young memoirists no favors by publishing memoirs that they very well may look back on one day and regret; not regret due to the experiences they had; but the way they thought their suffering was special, and a huge concern to all; and the way they revealed thoughts, feelings and actions that were very private; not public domain, until their memoirs were published.


(Note: I received and ARC of this book from Amazon Vine.)

[Eileen O'Donohue · Rating 1 out of 5]

It is healthy that she got her problems out in the open, but this is not a recommended autobiography. She failed to realize that her feelings about tango (and the world in general) are not the same as it is for the men she danced with.

[E.B. · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is magical. A must-read, for dancers and non-dancers alike.

[Bamika · Rating 4 out of 5]

"The follower was supposed to cultivate something called la ignorancia sagrada, her sacred ignorance, which felt a bit like flying in the dark." Meghan Flaherty

Meghan Flaherty talks about dancing follow with her eyes closed and describes it sometimes like sleepwalking, sometimes like flying in the dark. I think there are probably two schools of follows: those who like dancing with their eyes closed and those who don't. I am, I think rather surprisingly, someone who loves to dance eyes closed.

In fact I find a lot of things about following and my love for it surprising. I consider myself a "natural" (?) follow although I tend to follow less than half my dances... Sometimes it feels like a rare treat, I call it "chocolate." I have a strong kinaesthetic sensual side although it was drowned out, submerged, invisible for many years. Dancing brings back childhood memories of spinning, of twirling sticks of taking joy in balance walking. I remember when I was five years old I wanted to be a ballarina.

In the goodreads review of this autobiography someone agees with Flaherty's description of the sleepwalking "stage" of follower development. (Isn't it interesting how everyone tells follows what they must be, and everyone tells leads they must decide for themselves?) But when I google it I can't find any scholarly articles on follower "sleepwalking." A pity.

She also describes following as a form of meditation: "Dancing is like chess, for leaders, but for followers it is a form of meditation. You reach the floor, configure yourself into a pair of arms, and close your eyes." She perhaps doesn't have the leading experience to know that sometimes leading can be intuitive and meditative too: two years in even with strong intuitive instincts I have barely begun to touch on this level of leading myself.

I bought this book because I recognised and identified with Flaherty's description of trancelike meditative following. Sometimes I like to describe this mindstate as "follow space". It is probably no coincidence that Flaherty also practices yoga: another form of bodily meditation.

I find it difficult to speak about the difference between learning to follow and learning to lead it. I know that I experience the process quite differently. I find it difficult to talk about following at all. I find it difficult to -remember- following, concoiously. (Surely that is highly significant?) I believe that "meditative" following occurs an an unconscious, non verbal level of the brain, that any description is at best an interpretation, a translation, and "traduttore, traditore:" translator, traitor...

Nevertheless, what is your experience of following like?

There's a lot more here: childhood trauma, personal growth, relationships, overcoming fear of intimacy. Sex. I'm a dance nut and a tango nut, I found the technical descriptions of tango dancing and tango music fascinating. Others may not be so engaged. Meghan Flaherty has a unique perspective on life and she conveys it well, inviting us into the embrace of empathy and identification. Recommended.

[David · Rating 2 out of 5]

having read an article a few years ago in the Journal of Behavioral Addictions proposing that people can become "dependent" on Argentine tango dancing, I was struck by this title and plucked it off the new nonfiction shelf at our library. Very mixed reaction, maybe 2.4 stars if I did not have to round. On the plus side:

1. Really excellent writer. During the story she goes and gets an MFA in nonfiction at Columbia, and I'd be quite interested in reading her work on some other topic. The stuff that had nothing to do with dance [living in NYC on her own, deciding to move out from the non-tango-ing boyfriend's place, $ struggles, figuring out whether to go to grad school.......] kept me reading.

2. Mixes in some poignant memoir material re her childhood, her developing independence from her Mom, getting into and out of relationships with men who aren't good for her, and then finally meeting the one she decides is right [her husband].

3. the part about dealing with a back injury, and how much it threw off her routines of daily living not to be able to dance or do yoga, was well done and really captured the frustration I and other runners experience in parallel circumstances.

But on the other hand.....................

4. the proportion declines as the book progresses, but early on there is quite a bit of super-boring historical and cultural stuff about tango. Nothing wrong with it if you're a sociologist of dance, but otherwise it's hard to picture too many people being interested.

5. no video, no pictures (!), no drawings.........this is really not a fitting format for diving into a high level of detail about such a visual art form/activity. Whoever said a picture is worth a thousand words needs to update for inflation - 5,000 words describing dance moves are not enough. And relatedly............

6. ...........SO MUCH tango. As John Wooden would say, goodness gracious, sakes alive! I somehow thought from the jacket cover it was going to be more like tango-as-metaphor-and-point-of-entry to talking about her life, and there's indeed quite a bit of that [not too convincing, as it's mostly of the "tango both is and isn't about sex" and "rigid leader/follower roles are confining but freeing" variety]. But there is also just a hell of a lot of detailed description of particular songs, who danced with whom at which event, boot camps she went to, drills one can do to improve, etc. etc. etc.

if you knew me when i was about 14 and talking about my efforts to improve as a basketball player, I hereby apologize. Apparently there is indeed too much detail to get into.

[Lynn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Absolutely impressed with Flaherty’s rich use of language. She writes with crisp, unique phrasing, and her descriptions are vivid and fresh. Even the tough parts of her life and her insightful comments about herself are presented with clarity and honesty. More often than not, she writes with dry, self-depreciating, and at times, droll wit. This writer has no use for clichés. Her style is fresh and distinctive.

Meghan, a complex woman in her twenties, has never found love. She survived an abusive childhood which left her with a distaste for being touched, but sadly still yearns for someone to sweep her off her feet and love every inch of who she is. She hides from life in stultifying or slightly abusive relationships and only halfheartedly peruses the acting career she says she aspires to; she and stays employed in a series of mind-numbing jobs. She begins to obsess on a period in her life when, as a teenager, she lived for a few months in Argentina, and experienced the lure of Argentine Tango. Memories of the sensual and melancholy music, the magic of entwined bodies moving together, and the feelings that tango pulls out of the dancers drives her to experience that world again. Meghan seeks out a New York studio teaching tango, and begins a long quest to master the dance and, in the process, maybe find herself.

I know local dancers who have been sucked into the Argentine Tango vortex. It’s a complex and bewitching dance. However, the detail presented of both the history and minutia of the dance was overkill, even for those who are into dance. As Meghan came to understand herself through the intricacies of the dance and the music, she expressed many of the same feelings and thoughts over and over, just using different wording and maybe in more depth each time. As beautifully as she writes, much should have been allocated to a personal journal.

If you enjoy Argentine Tango or are curious, if you want in-depth information about the complexities of dance or the history, if you want a bit of the inside scoop on the New York dance community, or if you are on your own quest for self-discovery, this is a memoir you will enjoy.

[Nayana Renukumar · Rating 4 out of 5]

I started reading this book because as I do once in a while, I had this urge to learn Tango. Luckily (for Tango), I channeled that urge this time to first understanding more about the dance form beyond its countless sensual depictions in movies. I couldn’t have asked for a better book to disabuse me about the notions of Tango as inextricably romantic. I developed a whole new respect for this dance form, its history, intricacies and inherent melancholy and has helped me swear off from any effort to make a shallow attempt to learn it because “it’s so romantic”. There are two parallel threads in this book, the life story of the author and the life story of Tango but you don’t learn one without the other. The diverse colorful strands of these stories are interwoven to create such a rich tapestry that you can’t tell them apart, or figure out where one ends and the other begins. The writing is complex, intelligent and has an ethereal beauty. The prose is often the only solace as you navigate the often dry and ponderous history and techniques (especially the techniques) of Tango. Despite everything, I chose to skim read many parts of the book that covered the Tango techniques in great detail. I loved this book for its prose and the stories it told. Sharing below a few of my favorite quotes:

“Tango had never looked like sex to me, more like an elaborate stage battle between exhausted nemeses. Their smiles bent in anguish, their wan cheeks aflame.”

Tango starts rhythmically,” he says, “ends crying, and in the middle stabs you twice in the heart.”

[Vishu · Rating 2 out of 5]

Meghan Flaherty recounts a tumultuous two-three period of her life as she encounters tango and tries to find herself in life.
Unfortunately, her writing style has several shortcomings.
The most severe shortcoming is her attempt to describe dancing and music with words. Using one art form (literature) to describe two other art forms of music and dance is something that should be avoided. In this book, the descriptions are verbose and pedantic and somehow miss the essence.
A lot of the tango insights seem to be regurgitated from deep and insightful remarks made by experienced dancers and teachers. Unique perspectives of the writer herself are missing.This approach serves well in a research paper but falls short in a memoir. The writer describes her journey to a better place but seems to forget to mention the mental healing process that was needed or its actual relation to tango.
The best part of this book was that it serves as a snapshot of the tango scene in New York in the late 2000s and would be interesting to someone researching this subject in the future

[Emmet · Rating 2 out of 5]

The search for a great tango novel continues...

And will do so, 'cause this book ain't it. Okay, it's a memoir, not a novel, but either way, the book is mediocre. There is good authenticity about argentine tango in the USA running in the details of this book, but sometimes they take over to the detriment of the story.

Similarly (sorry, Meghan!), I find another character, another person, whose life experiences seem so far divorced from her, that it leave the story lacking. This memoir needs more revelation or more honesty or detail than perhaps the author is willing to share. I can understand that, especially given what is shared, but ultimately it hurts the story and makes it less compelling.

This isn't one to avoid, but unless you're curious about the social world of argentine tango (and a very limited view of it), this isn't one to rush to read, either...

[Sandra · Rating 5 out of 5]

I ended up loving this book. Her talent as a writer, with words, is enormous. I became intrigued by tango in recent months, having met someone who is a tango addict. This book tells the author's story as a fellow tango addict, beginning with having spent a semester in Buenos Aires as a teen. She herself was drawn to tango as a quite damaged person unable to have adult relationships due to sexual abuse as a child. Her mellifluous prose sometimes goes a bit too far with her repetitive and slightly excessive romanticization of tango, but does manage to convey why people become enamored of and addicted to it. It also outlined over the course of the book a lot about the history of tango, and descriptions and names of the best tango dancers that she saw in NYC who came as teachers in festivals and workshops. It was awesome to then watch those pros on YouTube!

[Onceinabluemoon · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 rounding up because she deserves the best in her life. I wrestled quite a bit with this book, at times it was so over drawn, yet it was so intimate to her fragile self it's not for me to judge. At first it was to mechanical, then I spent an hour watching tango videos, boom, it became vividly ALIVE! Until I waned again and sought out more visual aids... it was a tortuous soul embracing a tortured dance, she was consumed. She is a wonderful writer, many times I marveled at her thoughts, but I also struggled at the day to day minutia of the dancers life. She needed healing and pursued her path, it was extremely interesting walking in her shoes, exposing me to such an unknown world of self expression. I wish her much love and happiness in her life.

[Denise Chojnacki · Rating 4 out of 5]

Being as how there are few books about dancing, this one caught my eye straight away. Dancing is a passion that sometimes is only understood by the dancer and Meghan Flaherty captured that beautifully. Her writing gets almost poetic in nature but not overly so. There were a few of those "mmmmm" moments throughout when I truly felt what she was describing. This memoir was shared in such a way that it wasn't too heavy but you got a picture of how dance became therapy for her from her scarred childhood. She immerses herself in it so totally and learns intimacy with strangers in a "safe" environment. The story takes us through her journey of healing and self-realization and ends with a beautiful love story.

[Maria Casella · Rating 2 out of 5]

If you love tango, how it makes you feel, the history of the dance, and the different styles, than you will thoroughly enjoy this book. Meghan explains all things tango very very detailed in this story, she has a very deep connection with this dance that I can appreciate. It is not for me, but I appreciate the passion. Hence my lower rating. I felt it was way too much tango for my taste and I would’ve liked to have heard more about why the deep obsession how she grew up and how she felt about life in general. The story did touch on that but, as the title indicates this is mostly about her tango lessons.

[BookBrowse · Rating 4 out of 5]

I must say I was hesitant to accept that a memoir by such a young woman would be compelling. I'm happy to report that my reservations were unfounded. First, I started to fall in love with tango and by chapter four I'd dialed up a steady stream of the music on YouTube to accompany my reading. Then I became intrigued with Meghan and all of her and tango's anomalies, eager to find out how her journey would end. Finally, the smattering of Argentine history and culture she includes in Tango Lessons is fascinating.
-Donna Chavez

Read the full review at: https://www.bookbrowse.com/mag/review...

[Meghann · Rating 5 out of 5]

Picked up on a whim from the new books shelf at the library, and it sat on my own shelf for weeks...and once I started reading, I consumed it in less than 24 hours. Memoir with the history of tango woven throughout, it beckons you to examine your own inner turmoil and the connection you have with others, both good and bad. How do we move outside of ourselves and our past in order to give ourselves to others (and in whole and healthy ways)? Simply beautiful.

[Cathy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I will be totally honest with this review. I did start the book back in 2018 when I was first given it for review but I didn't really get into it and picked up something else at the 10% mark.
However as Strictly is about to start here in the UK, I decided that I would pick it up again and give it another go.

And I am pleased that I did. I found Flaherty's book to be a fairly interesting memoir of how she came to discover tango. It was interesting how it has dominated her life at certain stages.

Overall an interesting read.

[Katie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I picked up this book because I was intrigued by the implied significance placed on the tango and its history. This book took a while to get into, although I did enjoy reading the tidbits about the dance included throughout. It’s an interesting biographical work, and certainly unique in its telling.


I received a free copy of this book from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

[Bridget Knutson · Rating 3 out of 5]

A lovely story of overcoming trauma, and learning to dance the Tango, and all the expressions and emotions it provokes. Not my usual kind of story, but there are lessons to be learned of how to overcome difficulties in life, and this book gives some of them to you. Not my usual style of book but this is a good story.

[Ruby · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every time I read this book, I notice more, appreciate it more, love it more. Changed my life: got me to start partner dancing. A look at the bittersweetness of growing up a woman, shifting passions, and learning how to be a person with other people. Read this if you're lonely, insecure, directionless, angry, a romantic, a cynic- just read this.

[Diana · Rating 3 out of 5]

this book describes how a young woman just post-college, from a very challenging childhood, uses Tango as psychotherapy. Ultimately, after fits and starts, she ends up being a pretty healthy person. I did not find that book interesting because I felt to really appreciate it you would really need to know something about and appreciate Tango - which is not me.