What do you think?
Maridos perseguindo a excelência
Não é incomum encontrar no contexto da igreja, maridos que reduzem seu papel dentro do lar ao de provedor financeiro. Muitos desses não se veem como pastores de seus filhos nem como líderes amorosos de suas esposas. Para esses, conduzir o lar no temor do Senhor, não raro, limita-se a frequentar regularmente a igreja com a família e observar alguns princípios. Daí porque sua atuação no lar está longe de ser aquela estabelecida por Deus nas Escrituras. Quando focamos especificamente no marido dentro do relacionamento conjugal, percebemos com frequência que aprimorar o seu papel como cônjuge presente e dedicado à sua esposa e aperfeiçoar suas expressões de amor para com ela, não são parte de suas contínuas cogitações. Lou Priolo escreveu este livro com profundidade bíblica, expondo em cada capítulo, de maneira clara, verdades para os maridos extraídas das Escrituras, a fim de contribuir para que estes sejam aperfeiçoados em sua tarefa, e ao mesmo tempo empenhou-se por fazer aplicações específicas dessas verdades, o que torna esse livro muito especial. Ele é profundo em sua abordagem e fácil de ser apreendido porque é muito prático. Este livro é uma bem-vinda contribuição para os casamentos dentro do contexto da igreja evangélica brasileira, uma vez que oferecerá aos maridos um modelo bíblico a ser perseguido, ou seja, um padrão de excelência, e apontará as maneiras de alcançá-lo.
314 pages, Unknown Binding
First published August 22, 1999
About the author
Lou Priolo
59 books46 followersLOU PRIOLO is the Director of Biblical Counseling at Eastwood Presbyterian Church in Montgomery, Alabama. A graduate of Calvary Bible College and Liberty University, he is the author of The Heart of Anger , and The Complete Husband. Lou is also a Fellow in the National Association of Nouthetic Counselors. He resides in Wetumpka, Alabama with his wife, Kim, and daughters, Sophia and Gabriella.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 54 reviews
January 27, 2019
O melhor livro cristão para maridos que conheço. Aborda assuntos que outras obras deixam de lado, como o significado de honrar a esposa como a parte mais frágil e o de tratá-la sabiamente. A ênfase na comunicação entre marido e esposa também tem um potencial "revolucionário" aos homens que desejarem levar a sério o ensino bíblico trazido por Lou Priolo. Recomendo muito a todos (inclusive às mulheres!).
December 5, 2025
I plan to re-read this book for the rest of my life.
It felt like a 300 page spiritual punch to the face: Priolo leaves absolutely no room for excuses, passivity, or indifference among husbands...and I loved it. He uses solid biblical exegesis to display how Christ loves the church, expound the implications of what that means, and then call men to unreservedly and unabashedly pursue that standard of loving their wives.
The whole time I was reading, it felt reminiscent of the prophet Nathan saying "you are the man!" to David regarding his sin (2 Sam. 12:7)... I'm so glad I read this as a single man because even though I'm unmarried every chapter revealed another layer of my selfish heart that I didn't before know was there. Over and over I found myself thinking 'I AM the man!' Priolo's main focus is on dissecting the hearts of husbands to show them their sin in regards to loving their wives (selfishness, apathy, harshness, pride, etc.) so that it may be confessed and repented of, and that Christ may enable them to love their wives as Christ loves the church. And because that is its aim, this book will do nothing to a man's heart unless it is read with humility; unless a man approaches this book with a humble heart to say "that is me; I do fail at that; I do sin against my wife that way; I do need to love better" he will get nothing out of it.
Also, loved the practical aspect of the book; each chapter has discussion questions to work through and practical steps/methods to apply the content. Priolo's 35 years of biblical counseling experience are very apparent.
I'm just gonna quote dump because there's so many good ones:
"You must become a life-time student of your wife."
"Many men, however, after successfully accomplishing the challenge of securing themselves a wife, have gone on to other challenges, such as being successful in their vocations or avocations. As a Christian husband, you may not do so. You may not allow anything short of your relationship with Christ to become more of a priority than ministering to your wife."
"She has objectives she would like to reach that would enable her to be a better-satisfied and righteous Christian woman... when you invest the time to talk to her about how she can achieve these objectives (and are willing to sacrifice some of your resources to help her do so), you are regarding your wife as more important than yourself." (Phil. 2:3-4)
"When you are willing to talk to your wife about the things that interest her (no matter how trivial or uninteresting they may be to you), you will be demonstrating a Christlike sacrificial love that makes it easier for her to open up to you."
"Since you and your wife are one flesh, you should be her most intimate friend. If you are not interested in or available to talk to her about the concerns in her heart, she will most likely turn to others for counsel and advice."
"This reluctance to communicate is not in keeping with God's design for man to be the leader (and initiator) of the marital relationship. You simply do not have the right to not engage your wife in the communication that is so essential to a one-flesh relationship."
"You ought to assume 100% of the responsibility for your own sin (even if you believe you are only 5% wrong and your wife is 95% wrong)."
"When God wanted to describe love, He used verbs, because love is something you do much more than something you feel. It involves motion much more than it does emotion."
"The real problem that most of us face is not that we love our wives too much; the real problem is that we do not love our wives enough...if you don't love and care for her as intently as you love and care for yourself, then you don't love her enough."
"How do you respond to your wife when she sins?...Are you mindful that you have married a sinner who will often need to be forgiven, or do you expect her to be perfect? Are you patient with her while she is trying to change or do you expect her to change overnight? Do you love the sinner whom you married as Christ loves his sinful bride?"
"Christian husband, love your sinning wife and do not allow her sins and idiosyncrasies to cause you to become embittered against her. Remember that she has to live with, love, and forgive a man who is also a sinner and peculiar in his own ways."
"One of the most obvious investments that a man must make in his wife is time. How much time did you spend every day talking to your wife before you married her? Do you now invest more or less of your time into talking with her on a daily basis than you did back then?...now that you've got her, is it right for you to forget and neglect those unselfish things that you used to do when you were courting her? Of course not! Now that you've procured her, one of the priorities on your daily agenda should be to please her."
"Whenever I hear a husband complaining about some long-standing character deficiency in his wife, my usual response is to ask him to consider his leadership. "How is it that you have been married to this woman for so long and she still hasn't changed?" "What exactly have you done to help her with her problems?""
"As her spiritual leader, you must set her apart (i.e. make her holy) and purify her through the Scriptures. You must help her, through the Word, to remove her spiritual "spots" and "wrinkles" and "any [other] such thing" (see v.27) that does not conform to the image of Christ. The way you do this is by obeying and using the Word in all your deslings with her."
"Commend her for any and all biblical character traits she possesses...be alert for even the smallest indications of spiritual growth and maturity in her, and praise her for them."
"God is serious about protecting His bride from danger. Have you ever seriously considered how you can protect your bride from the many dangers she may be facing? Do you even know what they are?"
"Wives should be shielded by their husbands from all unnecessary embarrassment, whether it be disrespectful expressions by the children, insulting comments from friends and associates, or the husband's own careless public criticisms or jokes about her idiosyncrasies. You must protect her from all such pejorative remarks."
"Perhaps the most effective way for you to convince your bride that Christ is indeed using you to protect her is to become increasingly more like Christ in the way that you love her."
"You should honor her, because she is God's ordained instrument for your good. She is designed to be your greatest reward this side of glory and your fellow heir of the grace of life."
"Being your wife's head means that you are responsible...but most of all, as her head, you are responsible to love her."
"The voluntary humiliation of oneself to the lowest position among the saints is as the heart of [Matt. 20:20-28]. If you want to be considered great by God and to please Him more than you please man, then you will, like your Lord, take upon yourself the form of a servant. If you want to be a great spiritual leader to your wife, you will become her servant...that's the kind of leadership God is looking for. That's the kind of leader you must be to your wife: a servant-leader."
"As you model being a servant, she will, in all likelihood, find it increasingly easier to submit to your authority. She will love you because you first loved her, as the church does Christ."
It felt like a 300 page spiritual punch to the face: Priolo leaves absolutely no room for excuses, passivity, or indifference among husbands...and I loved it. He uses solid biblical exegesis to display how Christ loves the church, expound the implications of what that means, and then call men to unreservedly and unabashedly pursue that standard of loving their wives.
The whole time I was reading, it felt reminiscent of the prophet Nathan saying "you are the man!" to David regarding his sin (2 Sam. 12:7)... I'm so glad I read this as a single man because even though I'm unmarried every chapter revealed another layer of my selfish heart that I didn't before know was there. Over and over I found myself thinking 'I AM the man!' Priolo's main focus is on dissecting the hearts of husbands to show them their sin in regards to loving their wives (selfishness, apathy, harshness, pride, etc.) so that it may be confessed and repented of, and that Christ may enable them to love their wives as Christ loves the church. And because that is its aim, this book will do nothing to a man's heart unless it is read with humility; unless a man approaches this book with a humble heart to say "that is me; I do fail at that; I do sin against my wife that way; I do need to love better" he will get nothing out of it.
Also, loved the practical aspect of the book; each chapter has discussion questions to work through and practical steps/methods to apply the content. Priolo's 35 years of biblical counseling experience are very apparent.
I'm just gonna quote dump because there's so many good ones:
"You must become a life-time student of your wife."
"Many men, however, after successfully accomplishing the challenge of securing themselves a wife, have gone on to other challenges, such as being successful in their vocations or avocations. As a Christian husband, you may not do so. You may not allow anything short of your relationship with Christ to become more of a priority than ministering to your wife."
"She has objectives she would like to reach that would enable her to be a better-satisfied and righteous Christian woman... when you invest the time to talk to her about how she can achieve these objectives (and are willing to sacrifice some of your resources to help her do so), you are regarding your wife as more important than yourself." (Phil. 2:3-4)
"When you are willing to talk to your wife about the things that interest her (no matter how trivial or uninteresting they may be to you), you will be demonstrating a Christlike sacrificial love that makes it easier for her to open up to you."
"Since you and your wife are one flesh, you should be her most intimate friend. If you are not interested in or available to talk to her about the concerns in her heart, she will most likely turn to others for counsel and advice."
"This reluctance to communicate is not in keeping with God's design for man to be the leader (and initiator) of the marital relationship. You simply do not have the right to not engage your wife in the communication that is so essential to a one-flesh relationship."
"You ought to assume 100% of the responsibility for your own sin (even if you believe you are only 5% wrong and your wife is 95% wrong)."
"When God wanted to describe love, He used verbs, because love is something you do much more than something you feel. It involves motion much more than it does emotion."
"The real problem that most of us face is not that we love our wives too much; the real problem is that we do not love our wives enough...if you don't love and care for her as intently as you love and care for yourself, then you don't love her enough."
"How do you respond to your wife when she sins?...Are you mindful that you have married a sinner who will often need to be forgiven, or do you expect her to be perfect? Are you patient with her while she is trying to change or do you expect her to change overnight? Do you love the sinner whom you married as Christ loves his sinful bride?"
"Christian husband, love your sinning wife and do not allow her sins and idiosyncrasies to cause you to become embittered against her. Remember that she has to live with, love, and forgive a man who is also a sinner and peculiar in his own ways."
"One of the most obvious investments that a man must make in his wife is time. How much time did you spend every day talking to your wife before you married her? Do you now invest more or less of your time into talking with her on a daily basis than you did back then?...now that you've got her, is it right for you to forget and neglect those unselfish things that you used to do when you were courting her? Of course not! Now that you've procured her, one of the priorities on your daily agenda should be to please her."
"Whenever I hear a husband complaining about some long-standing character deficiency in his wife, my usual response is to ask him to consider his leadership. "How is it that you have been married to this woman for so long and she still hasn't changed?" "What exactly have you done to help her with her problems?""
"As her spiritual leader, you must set her apart (i.e. make her holy) and purify her through the Scriptures. You must help her, through the Word, to remove her spiritual "spots" and "wrinkles" and "any [other] such thing" (see v.27) that does not conform to the image of Christ. The way you do this is by obeying and using the Word in all your deslings with her."
"Commend her for any and all biblical character traits she possesses...be alert for even the smallest indications of spiritual growth and maturity in her, and praise her for them."
"God is serious about protecting His bride from danger. Have you ever seriously considered how you can protect your bride from the many dangers she may be facing? Do you even know what they are?"
"Wives should be shielded by their husbands from all unnecessary embarrassment, whether it be disrespectful expressions by the children, insulting comments from friends and associates, or the husband's own careless public criticisms or jokes about her idiosyncrasies. You must protect her from all such pejorative remarks."
"Perhaps the most effective way for you to convince your bride that Christ is indeed using you to protect her is to become increasingly more like Christ in the way that you love her."
"You should honor her, because she is God's ordained instrument for your good. She is designed to be your greatest reward this side of glory and your fellow heir of the grace of life."
"Being your wife's head means that you are responsible...but most of all, as her head, you are responsible to love her."
"The voluntary humiliation of oneself to the lowest position among the saints is as the heart of [Matt. 20:20-28]. If you want to be considered great by God and to please Him more than you please man, then you will, like your Lord, take upon yourself the form of a servant. If you want to be a great spiritual leader to your wife, you will become her servant...that's the kind of leadership God is looking for. That's the kind of leader you must be to your wife: a servant-leader."
"As you model being a servant, she will, in all likelihood, find it increasingly easier to submit to your authority. She will love you because you first loved her, as the church does Christ."
March 30, 2026
Good book. Next step is find a wife.
May 12, 2020
This is a fantastic book about being a godly husband. It’s the best kind of kick in the pants you could receive to spur you on to love and honor your wife the way Scripture commands you. I’ll be referring back to this book pretty regularly, I’m sure.
October 17, 2024
This was one of those get your heart dissected type of books. It was convicting and a blessing. The questions throughout to ask your wife are incredibly rich.
July 26, 2023
4 1/2 stars
Very helpful and the most “complete” biblical handbook of being a godly husband!
Priolo does a very solid job on providing a biblical basis and perspective on being a thorough husband in the areas of being a servant, steward, leader, provider, and protector toward your wife, physically, spiritually, and relationally. The biblical counsel and nuance based in that counsel from general wisdom was very insightful and I’ll be returning to this book many times.
Probs the most helpful were the “1 Peter 3:7 notebook” questions at the end of each chapter. They were open ended, addressed to be asked toward your wife, and contained on average about 8-10 questions for a 14 chapter book! So it’s valuable for sure for many convos with your spouse on living in an understanding way.
Half star was for typical nouthetic biblicism in his exegesis at times and taking certain verses, like Phil. 4:13 for example, out of context but it wasn’t everytime and is to be expected from a biblical counselor, it seems 🤷🏼♂️
Still great though and definitely recommend!
Very helpful and the most “complete” biblical handbook of being a godly husband!
Priolo does a very solid job on providing a biblical basis and perspective on being a thorough husband in the areas of being a servant, steward, leader, provider, and protector toward your wife, physically, spiritually, and relationally. The biblical counsel and nuance based in that counsel from general wisdom was very insightful and I’ll be returning to this book many times.
Probs the most helpful were the “1 Peter 3:7 notebook” questions at the end of each chapter. They were open ended, addressed to be asked toward your wife, and contained on average about 8-10 questions for a 14 chapter book! So it’s valuable for sure for many convos with your spouse on living in an understanding way.
Half star was for typical nouthetic biblicism in his exegesis at times and taking certain verses, like Phil. 4:13 for example, out of context but it wasn’t everytime and is to be expected from a biblical counselor, it seems 🤷🏼♂️
Still great though and definitely recommend!
February 11, 2026
Fantastic. Apparently, "The Excellent Wife" by Martha Peace is the wife version of this book. I'll check it out soon. If so, these should be highly recommended reading for all couples.
I found a review where the guy just quote dumped, so I copy and pasted his quotes below for my future reference and your enjoyment.
"You must become a life-time student of your wife."
"Many men, however, after successfully accomplishing the challenge of securing themselves a wife, have gone on to other challenges, such as being successful in their vocations or avocations. As a Christian husband, you may not do so. You may not allow anything short of your relationship with Christ to become more of a priority than ministering to your wife."
"She has objectives she would like to reach that would enable her to be a better-satisfied and righteous Christian woman... when you invest the time to talk to her about how she can achieve these objectives (and are willing to sacrifice some of your resources to help her do so), you are regarding your wife as more important than yourself." (Phil. 2:3-4)
"When you are willing to talk to your wife about the things that interest her (no matter how trivial or uninteresting they may be to you), you will be demonstrating a Christlike sacrificial love that makes it easier for her to open up to you."
"Since you and your wife are one flesh, you should be her most intimate friend. If you are not interested in or available to talk to her about the concerns in her heart, she will most likely turn to others for counsel and advice."
"This reluctance to communicate is not in keeping with God's design for man to be the leader (and initiator) of the marital relationship. You simply do not have the right to not engage your wife in the communication that is so essential to a one-flesh relationship."
"You ought to assume 100% of the responsibility for your own sin (even if you believe you are only 5% wrong and your wife is 95% wrong)."
"When God wanted to describe love, He used verbs, because love is something you do much more than something you feel. It involves motion much more than it does emotion."
"The real problem that most of us face is not that we love our wives too much; the real problem is that we do not love our wives enough...if you don't love and care for her as intently as you love and care for yourself, then you don't love her enough."
"How do you respond to your wife when she sins?...Are you mindful that you have married a sinner who will often need to be forgiven, or do you expect her to be perfect? Are you patient with her while she is trying to change or do you expect her to change overnight? Do you love the sinner whom you married as Christ loves his sinful bride?"
"Christian husband, love your sinning wife and do not allow her sins and idiosyncrasies to cause you to become embittered against her. Remember that she has to live with, love, and forgive a man who is also a sinner and peculiar in his own ways."
"One of the most obvious investments that a man must make in his wife is time. How much time did you spend every day talking to your wife before you married her? Do you now invest more or less of your time into talking with her on a daily basis than you did back then?...now that you've got her, is it right for you to forget and neglect those unselfish things that you used to do when you were courting her? Of course not! Now that you've procured her, one of the priorities on your daily agenda should be to please her."
"Whenever I hear a husband complaining about some long-standing character deficiency in his wife, my usual response is to ask him to consider his leadership. "How is it that you have been married to this woman for so long and she still hasn't changed?" "What exactly have you done to help her with her problems?""
"As her spiritual leader, you must set her apart (i.e. make her holy) and purify her through the Scriptures. You must help her, through the Word, to remove her spiritual "spots" and "wrinkles" and "any [other] such thing" (see v.27) that does not conform to the image of Christ. The way you do this is by obeying and using the Word in all your deslings with her."
"Commend her for any and all biblical character traits she possesses...be alert for even the smallest indications of spiritual growth and maturity in her, and praise her for them."
"God is serious about protecting His bride from danger. Have you ever seriously considered how you can protect your bride from the many dangers she may be facing? Do you even know what they are?"
"Wives should be shielded by their husbands from all unnecessary embarrassment, whether it be disrespectful expressions by the children, insulting comments from friends and associates, or the husband's own careless public criticisms or jokes about her idiosyncrasies. You must protect her from all such pejorative remarks."
"Perhaps the most effective way for you to convince your bride that Christ is indeed using you to protect her is to become increasingly more like Christ in the way that you love her."
"You should honor her, because she is God's ordained instrument for your good. She is designed to be your greatest reward this side of glory and your fellow heir of the grace of life."
"Being your wife's head means that you are responsible...but most of all, as her head, you are responsible to love her."
"The voluntary humiliation of oneself to the lowest position among the saints is as the heart of [Matt. 20:20-28]. If you want to be considered great by God and to please Him more than you please man, then you will, like your Lord, take upon yourself the form of a servant. If you want to be a great spiritual leader to your wife, you will become her servant...that's the kind of leadership God is looking for. That's the kind of leader you must be to your wife: a servant-leader."
"As you model being a servant, she will, in all likelihood, find it increasingly easier to submit to your authority. She will love you because you first loved her, as the church does Christ."
I found a review where the guy just quote dumped, so I copy and pasted his quotes below for my future reference and your enjoyment.
"You must become a life-time student of your wife."
"Many men, however, after successfully accomplishing the challenge of securing themselves a wife, have gone on to other challenges, such as being successful in their vocations or avocations. As a Christian husband, you may not do so. You may not allow anything short of your relationship with Christ to become more of a priority than ministering to your wife."
"She has objectives she would like to reach that would enable her to be a better-satisfied and righteous Christian woman... when you invest the time to talk to her about how she can achieve these objectives (and are willing to sacrifice some of your resources to help her do so), you are regarding your wife as more important than yourself." (Phil. 2:3-4)
"When you are willing to talk to your wife about the things that interest her (no matter how trivial or uninteresting they may be to you), you will be demonstrating a Christlike sacrificial love that makes it easier for her to open up to you."
"Since you and your wife are one flesh, you should be her most intimate friend. If you are not interested in or available to talk to her about the concerns in her heart, she will most likely turn to others for counsel and advice."
"This reluctance to communicate is not in keeping with God's design for man to be the leader (and initiator) of the marital relationship. You simply do not have the right to not engage your wife in the communication that is so essential to a one-flesh relationship."
"You ought to assume 100% of the responsibility for your own sin (even if you believe you are only 5% wrong and your wife is 95% wrong)."
"When God wanted to describe love, He used verbs, because love is something you do much more than something you feel. It involves motion much more than it does emotion."
"The real problem that most of us face is not that we love our wives too much; the real problem is that we do not love our wives enough...if you don't love and care for her as intently as you love and care for yourself, then you don't love her enough."
"How do you respond to your wife when she sins?...Are you mindful that you have married a sinner who will often need to be forgiven, or do you expect her to be perfect? Are you patient with her while she is trying to change or do you expect her to change overnight? Do you love the sinner whom you married as Christ loves his sinful bride?"
"Christian husband, love your sinning wife and do not allow her sins and idiosyncrasies to cause you to become embittered against her. Remember that she has to live with, love, and forgive a man who is also a sinner and peculiar in his own ways."
"One of the most obvious investments that a man must make in his wife is time. How much time did you spend every day talking to your wife before you married her? Do you now invest more or less of your time into talking with her on a daily basis than you did back then?...now that you've got her, is it right for you to forget and neglect those unselfish things that you used to do when you were courting her? Of course not! Now that you've procured her, one of the priorities on your daily agenda should be to please her."
"Whenever I hear a husband complaining about some long-standing character deficiency in his wife, my usual response is to ask him to consider his leadership. "How is it that you have been married to this woman for so long and she still hasn't changed?" "What exactly have you done to help her with her problems?""
"As her spiritual leader, you must set her apart (i.e. make her holy) and purify her through the Scriptures. You must help her, through the Word, to remove her spiritual "spots" and "wrinkles" and "any [other] such thing" (see v.27) that does not conform to the image of Christ. The way you do this is by obeying and using the Word in all your deslings with her."
"Commend her for any and all biblical character traits she possesses...be alert for even the smallest indications of spiritual growth and maturity in her, and praise her for them."
"God is serious about protecting His bride from danger. Have you ever seriously considered how you can protect your bride from the many dangers she may be facing? Do you even know what they are?"
"Wives should be shielded by their husbands from all unnecessary embarrassment, whether it be disrespectful expressions by the children, insulting comments from friends and associates, or the husband's own careless public criticisms or jokes about her idiosyncrasies. You must protect her from all such pejorative remarks."
"Perhaps the most effective way for you to convince your bride that Christ is indeed using you to protect her is to become increasingly more like Christ in the way that you love her."
"You should honor her, because she is God's ordained instrument for your good. She is designed to be your greatest reward this side of glory and your fellow heir of the grace of life."
"Being your wife's head means that you are responsible...but most of all, as her head, you are responsible to love her."
"The voluntary humiliation of oneself to the lowest position among the saints is as the heart of [Matt. 20:20-28]. If you want to be considered great by God and to please Him more than you please man, then you will, like your Lord, take upon yourself the form of a servant. If you want to be a great spiritual leader to your wife, you will become her servant...that's the kind of leadership God is looking for. That's the kind of leader you must be to your wife: a servant-leader."
"As you model being a servant, she will, in all likelihood, find it increasingly easier to submit to your authority. She will love you because you first loved her, as the church does Christ."
July 31, 2019
Kind of a slowness start but very insightful read. Lots of practical applications and examples. Thank you Priolo!
September 6, 2026
Direct and convicting, but encouraging and Biblically-strong. I highly recommend this book for any man who wants to strengthen his marriage through Biblical principles. This will definitely be re-read on a rotation.
April 18, 2025
Especially helped by the chapters on communication (1, 3-4), doing good when wronged (7), and spiritual leadership (13).
March 19, 2018
if read and re-read this book would go a long way toward building a great and joyful marriage. highly recommended for couples to go through.
July 15, 2024
I found this to be solid helpful, biblically grounded advice, that is quite in tune with nature and reality as it really is.
August 15, 2026
Excellent. Theological and practical. Plenty of examples. Includes questions to ask yourself and your wife. Author is experienced pastor and biblical counselor.
Notes
I Wish She Came with a Manual
Rather than looking for an "operator's manual" for your wife, you need to work to understand her (1 Pet 3:7).
Spouses may not reveal themselves to each other due to fear, selfishness, pride, laziness, ignorance.
Don't let fear of your wife rejecting you keep you from revealing what she needs to know. It's selfish to be more concerned with how a revelation will hurt you than with how it could help your wife.
Changing is hard, but not changing is harder ("the way of the unfaithful is hard" Pro 13:15).
Back to School for the Rest of My Life!
Questions to ask wife
• "What 3 things would you change about me to make me more Christ-like?"
• "Do I have any other annoying mannerisms or idiosyncrasies that you want me to change?"
• "How does it make you feel when I [each answer to questions 1-2]?" Explain each answer back to her until she says you understand.
• "What goes through your mind when I [each answer to questions 1-2]? Tell me your verbatim thoughts in 1st person." Observe how your behavior affects her.
• "What do you want from me that I'm not giving you when I [each answer to questions 1-2]?"
• "How specifically would you like me to change related to [each answer to questions 1-2]?"
• "On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate our marriage?"
• "What would it take to make our marriage a 10? Please prioritize those."
• "What's your opinion about [something you've never asked her opinion about]?" Get her input about your decisions, your judgments, your strengths and weaknesses, people you both know (especially your kids), how to apply Bible to your life and family.
• "What are your life goals? How can I help you achieve them?"
• "Do you have any needs or desires I should be better meeting?"
Make every reasonable effort to give wife not only what she needs, but what she lawfully desires, if you can do so without sinning or causing her to sin (Rom 8:32; Eph 5:25).
After God, wife is top priority, not work, hobbies, etc.
As long as wife is fulfilling responsibilities as wife and mom, encourage her to pursue other interests and goals.
Many things commonly called needs are actually desires. Bible defines few needs: hearing and obeying God's Word (Lk 10:42; Mt 4:4), food and covering (1 Tim 6:8).
So What's There to Talk About?
Just as your workplace environment can positively or negatively affect your job performance and attitude, home's condition and appearance can affect wife's performance and attitude.
Questions to ask wife
• How comfortable are you with talking to me about your thoughts?
• How can I better create an environment for you to comfortably communicate with me?
• What are the most important or pressing topics you want to discuss?
• Are there any topics you're uncomfortable discussing with me?
• How much do you think I open up to you? Are there things you want me to be more open about?
• How much do you think I truly enjoy talking to you?
• How can I demonstrate that I really want to learn to enjoy talking to you?
• Do you think we spend enough time cultivating our relationship?
• If we could take 20 mins each day for me to give you undivided attention, what time of day would you choose?
• What's the best way for me to ask you to open up about something to me?
Topics for discussion
Bible doctrine
Home
Children
Your job
Her family
Her friends
Her service/ministry
Her goals
How you can be a better husband/father
Things you do that bother her
A Crash Course In Biblical Communication
Ask wife, kids to point out when you have inappropriate facial expressions. Easiest fix is to smile.
Touch wife at times other than when you want sex.
Communicating when angry
• Direct anger toward problem
• Release anger under control of Holy Spirit (according to biblical guidelines for controlling anger)
Assume 100% of responsibility for your own sin, even when you're only partially wrong in a situation. Say to wife, "You think I'm to blame. I think you are. Tell me exactly what you think I've done wrong. I'll listen attentively, acknowledge my sin, and ask forgiveness from you and God. I only ask that after we've dealt with my sin, we talk about how I think you've sinned."
Questions to ask wife
• What do my words tell you about what's going on in my heart?
• If you could change 3 things about my choice of words when we talk, what would they be?
• In general, what does my tone of voice communicate to you? If you could change 3 things about my vocal inflection when we talk, what would they be?
• If you could change 3 things about my body language when we talk, what would they be?
• How, specifically, would you like me to express love through touch?
• In what situations would you like my undivided attention? When would it be OK for me to multitask while we talk?
• On a scale of 1-10 (harsh to gentle), how well do I control my anger when we talk?
• Which way I express anger bothers you most?
• At what point do I cross line between passionate persuasion and sinful anger and harshness?
• What verbal or non-verbal ways could you tell me when I've crossed that line?
• When I cross the line, would you be willing to politely suggest that I make my point another way?
• How well do I quickly seek your forgiveness after sinning against you?
• On scale of 1-10 (unreasonable to very reasonable), how much of a chance do you have of changing my mind?
Biblical communication inventory (have wife rate you on how you talk to her)
I use inappropriate words
I use inappropriate inflections
I use inappropriate facial expressions
I don't look at you
I don't touch you enough
I blow up (ventilate anger)
I clam up (internalize anger)
I interrupt you
I'm inattentive you
I judge your motives
I seem uninterested in, or unwilling to, talk to you
I use sweeping generalizations
I blameshift my responsibilities to you
I don't ask for your forgiveness
I dredge up from past things I promised to forgive
I scold you
I put you down
I use biting sarcasm
I'm harsh
I don't make every effort to resolve conflicts
I haven't sought help from other Christians
How to Love Your Wife: Part 1
Recognize that your wife is a sinner. Love her as Christ loves his sinful bride.
Questions to ask wife
• Am I more a giver or taker?
• In what ways would you like me to be more of a giver?
• Which elements of love (1 Cor 13:4-7) do I demonstrate well? In which do I need to improve?
• What are your greatest needs? How can I be better at meeting them?
• What are your deepest desires? How can I help you fulfill them?
• On scale of 1-10 (too passive to active initiation), how do you rate my initiating in love?
• Are there any areas you want me to be more of an initiator?
• How cherished/special do I make you feel? How can I cherish you more?
• How well do I demonstrate love to you when you're sinning? How would you like me to love you when you're sinning?
• What other ways can I more thoroughly love you as Christ loves Church?
• Are there other ways I can love you?
Wife's needs and desires, your resources
1. List wife's needs (e.g., time in Bible, time with you, food, shelter, sleep).
2. List wife's desires.
3. List your resources to meet those needs and desires.
4. Ask wife to help you complete and prioritize both lists.
How to Love Your Wife: Part 2
Getting upset over trivial disappointments may indicate bitterness.
Rather than getting upset, explain disappointment to wife, forgive her when she repents, work with her on biblical solution to problem.
Don't be unforgiving toward wife. Compare wife's relatively trivial offenses against you to your enormous offenses against God, which He's forgiven (see Parable of Unforgiving Servant in Matthew 18:23-35).
When you get angry at wife, ask yourself what you want from her. Rather than thinking she's a bad person because she doesn't give you what you want, tell yourself, "Having a wife who doesn't [fulfill your inordinate desire] isn't the end of the world. I need to love God and her more than I love [your inordinate desire]."
Questions to ask wife
• How often do you see me get overly emotional over trivial disappointments? Can you give me recent examples?
• On scale of 1-10 (extremely bitter to very forgiving), how do you rate me? Why?
• To what extent do you think I've applied 3 promises of forgiveness with you (not bringing up forgiven offenses, not telling others about them, not dwelling on them)?
• May I tell you what causes me to become sinfully angry with you, as I work to dethrone inordinate desires?
• When I become angry, harsh, impatient, will you ask me, "You seem upset with me. How have I sinned against you?" "You're [angry, harsh, impatient, etc.]. What are you telling yourself?" "What is it you want from me that I'm not giving you?"
• What's the best way for me to tell you that I'm disappointed or frustrated with you?
• Of all the ways I've become sinfully angry or harsh with you, which disturbs you most?
How to Fight Back Without Getting Even
To restore romance, change how you think about wife, what you do for her, what you do with her. Act like you did when dating.
When wife sins against you, best way to overcome that is to love her by meeting her needs (see list at end of ch. 5).
Questions to ask wife
• Have I said anything that indicates I'm bitter toward you?
• To what extent do you think I've forgotten what things were like between us when we were dating? What do you think I should remember?
• What do you think I need to repent of related to what I tell myself about you?
• To what extent do you think I've stopped dating you? What did I used to do with and for you that I no longer enthusiastically do? What new or additional ways may I date you?
• To what extent do you think I've become weary of properly dealing with your sin?
• In what ways do I consistently provoke you to sin?
• In what ways do I exacerbate our conflicts by sinfully responding to your sin?
• In what ways do I prolong our conflicts by not dealing with issues quickly?
• In what ways do I allow myself to become sinfully discouraged by your sin?
• How well do I respond in love when you're not acting loving toward me?
• Will you help me think of loving things I can do when you're sinning toward me?
Pleasing Possibilities
Reason Paul said it's good to remain single (1 Cor 7:26) even though God said it's not good (Gen 2:18) is that Paul was writing in context of "present distress" (persecution at his time). When Paul wrote, "… those who have wives should be as though they had none …" (1 Cor 7:29), he wasn't contradicting Bible's commands to husbands, but warning husbands not to let their marital responsibilities interfere with their responsibilities to serve God (Lk 14:20); they should serve God as zealously as unmarried.
When you have conflict with wife, ask yourself, "What does she want from me that she thinks I'm not giving her?" If it's not clear, ask her.
Questions to ask wife
• When we were dating, what were your favorite things we used to do together? What did we do then that you wish we could do more of now?
• To what extent do you think I try to please you before pleasing myself? Do I alter my plans to fit in with yours? Do I sufficiently conform myself to your likes and dislikes? Is there anything I do or don't do that you don't approve of? Can you think of any changes you would like me to make that would really please you? Am I mindful of the non-sinful idiosyncratic things I do or say that really irritate you?
• To what extent do you believe that my selfishness distracts me or otherwise prohibits me from pleasing you?
• Is there a difference between the things I can do to please you publicly and the things I can do to please you privately?
• In light of Romans 15:1-2, what burdens do you have that I can better bear?
• Do you believe that I really understand the things that are most important to you (things you value most)? If not, what do you wish I would better understand about those things?
• During our last big conflict, was there something you wanted from me that I wasn't giving to you? What was it? Can you help me understand why that was so important to you?
• Can you think of anything else I can do or stop doing that would show you that I really want to please you?
"Honey, You Need a Bath"
Questions to ask wife
1. To what extent do you believe a husband should help his wife in her spiritual growth?
2. On a scale of 1-10, how am I helping you to be more like Christ?
3. How could I get a 9.5 or 10?
4. How much time do you spend reading and meditating on the Bible each day or week?
5. Is that enough to help you grow spiritually? Explain.
6. In what specific ways would you most like to grow as a Christian?
7. To what extent would you be willing to let me help you find Bible passages to help you grow in those areas and hold you accountable?
8. Would you be willing to go through a checklist of ways I can help you be sanctified with Scripture?
9. Can you think of any other ways I can help you grow in faith?
Sexual Relations In Marriage
After marriage, husband often turns attention from romance to other things, but wife has become accustomed to romance, and expects it to continue.
Masturbation is sinful
• It's against primary intent of sex because it's selfish rather than loving.
• It almost always involves lust (Mt 5:28).
• It often causes guilt, and when you do something against your conscience, it's sinful (Rom 14:22-23).
Questions to ask wife
• If you could change 3 things about our sex life, what would you change?
• Am I a giver or a taker in our sexual relationship?
• Do you think I have been selfish sexually in any ways?
• Is there anything we have done sexually that you are uncomfortable doing?
• Is there anything we have not done sexually that you think you would enjoy?
• What do you think of our frequency of sex?
• Am I proactive/aggressive enough sexually? Do I take enough initiative?
• Do I provide enough affection and foreplay prior to intercourse?
• Do you feel pressured to perform a certain way by anything that I do or say?
• Do I have any offensive odors, mannerisms, or habits that reduce your enjoyment of sex?
• Is there anything about my appearance you dislike so much that it reduces your enjoyment of sex?
• Is there any part of your body you dislike so much that it reduces your enjoyment of sex?
• How necessary to your satisfaction is having an orgasm?
• Are there any other marital or personal issues that reduce your enjoyment of sex?
• Do I make enough of effort to provide a pleasant, comfortable, secure environment for sex?
• What time of day and in what situations do you most and least prefer sex?
• Am I creative enough in my attempts to initiate sex?
• Is there anything else I can do with speech, attitude, or action to make our sexual relationship more meaningful?
Protecting Your Wife from Danger
Husband's priorities
1. Relationship with God (Eph 5:18; Col 3:16; Mt 22:37-38)
2. Relationship with wife (Eph 5:22-33; Col 3:19; 1 Cor 7:33)
3. Relationship with kids (Eph 6:1-4; Col 3:21; Deut 6:6-9)
4. Relationship with employer, employees (Eph 6:5-9; Col 3:22-25; 2 Thess 3:6-12)
Questions to ask wife
• Who or what were your greatest influences for good and evil as you were growing up?
• Who and what are the greatest influences for good in your life right?
• Who and what are the greatest influences for evil in your life right now?
• Do you have any questions or doubts about my motivation for wanting you to be protected from danger?
• In what ways do you think I may have overprotected or micromanaged you in the past? What can I do to keep from doing this in the future?
• From what dangers do you think I might need your help as I guard my heart and life?
How Much Is She Worth to You?
Questions to ask self
• How valuable is wife to me?
• How do I honor her?
• How do I prefer her to be honored more than me?
• How do I ensure she gets honor?
• How thankful am I to God for her?
• How much better off am I than before we married?
• How many of my needs and desires does she fulfill? How often have I taken them for granted?
• How do I show others how valuable she is to me?
How to show wife honor & respect
• Don't use harsh, condescending communication.
• Don't abuse your authority.
• Praise her before others, especially your children.
• Be attentive when she is talking to you.
• Ask for and consider her opinion, especially in plans and decisions that involve her.
• Give her money to do a few things unrelated to being wife & mother (be generous).
• Praise her and commend her to others (Pro 31:29).
• Don't allow children to talk disrespectfully to her (Eph 6:2).
• Be kind and gentle with her (Col 3:12-13; 1 Cor 13).
• Attribute best possible motive to her actions (1 Cor 13:7).
Questions to ask wife
• Do you ever think that I am too much of a bully (too domineering, dictatorial)?
• In what ways have I made you feel ordinary (not very special to me)?
• In what ways have I failed to give preference to you in honor (Rom 12:10)
• What can I do to make you feel that you are precious to me?
• How may I demonstrate to others the value I place on you? How may I better honor you in front of others?
"Me, a Spiritual Leader?"
Questions to ask wife
• How would you rate me as a "household manager"? What are my strengths, weaknesses?
• Do I come across more as household's owner/boss or manager/steward?
• Do I lord my authority over you?
• Do I put your needs above mine?
Hang In There
If you wish for a fresh start by marrying someone else, instead be the husband to your current wife the Bible requires. A Christian can learn to do anything Bible requires.
Appendix B
When seeking info, don't ask, "why" questions, which make people defensive. Ask "what" or "how" questions.
Notes
I Wish She Came with a Manual
Rather than looking for an "operator's manual" for your wife, you need to work to understand her (1 Pet 3:7).
Spouses may not reveal themselves to each other due to fear, selfishness, pride, laziness, ignorance.
Don't let fear of your wife rejecting you keep you from revealing what she needs to know. It's selfish to be more concerned with how a revelation will hurt you than with how it could help your wife.
Changing is hard, but not changing is harder ("the way of the unfaithful is hard" Pro 13:15).
Back to School for the Rest of My Life!
Questions to ask wife
• "What 3 things would you change about me to make me more Christ-like?"
• "Do I have any other annoying mannerisms or idiosyncrasies that you want me to change?"
• "How does it make you feel when I [each answer to questions 1-2]?" Explain each answer back to her until she says you understand.
• "What goes through your mind when I [each answer to questions 1-2]? Tell me your verbatim thoughts in 1st person." Observe how your behavior affects her.
• "What do you want from me that I'm not giving you when I [each answer to questions 1-2]?"
• "How specifically would you like me to change related to [each answer to questions 1-2]?"
• "On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate our marriage?"
• "What would it take to make our marriage a 10? Please prioritize those."
• "What's your opinion about [something you've never asked her opinion about]?" Get her input about your decisions, your judgments, your strengths and weaknesses, people you both know (especially your kids), how to apply Bible to your life and family.
• "What are your life goals? How can I help you achieve them?"
• "Do you have any needs or desires I should be better meeting?"
Make every reasonable effort to give wife not only what she needs, but what she lawfully desires, if you can do so without sinning or causing her to sin (Rom 8:32; Eph 5:25).
After God, wife is top priority, not work, hobbies, etc.
As long as wife is fulfilling responsibilities as wife and mom, encourage her to pursue other interests and goals.
Many things commonly called needs are actually desires. Bible defines few needs: hearing and obeying God's Word (Lk 10:42; Mt 4:4), food and covering (1 Tim 6:8).
So What's There to Talk About?
Just as your workplace environment can positively or negatively affect your job performance and attitude, home's condition and appearance can affect wife's performance and attitude.
Questions to ask wife
• How comfortable are you with talking to me about your thoughts?
• How can I better create an environment for you to comfortably communicate with me?
• What are the most important or pressing topics you want to discuss?
• Are there any topics you're uncomfortable discussing with me?
• How much do you think I open up to you? Are there things you want me to be more open about?
• How much do you think I truly enjoy talking to you?
• How can I demonstrate that I really want to learn to enjoy talking to you?
• Do you think we spend enough time cultivating our relationship?
• If we could take 20 mins each day for me to give you undivided attention, what time of day would you choose?
• What's the best way for me to ask you to open up about something to me?
Topics for discussion
Bible doctrine
Home
Children
Your job
Her family
Her friends
Her service/ministry
Her goals
How you can be a better husband/father
Things you do that bother her
A Crash Course In Biblical Communication
Ask wife, kids to point out when you have inappropriate facial expressions. Easiest fix is to smile.
Touch wife at times other than when you want sex.
Communicating when angry
• Direct anger toward problem
• Release anger under control of Holy Spirit (according to biblical guidelines for controlling anger)
Assume 100% of responsibility for your own sin, even when you're only partially wrong in a situation. Say to wife, "You think I'm to blame. I think you are. Tell me exactly what you think I've done wrong. I'll listen attentively, acknowledge my sin, and ask forgiveness from you and God. I only ask that after we've dealt with my sin, we talk about how I think you've sinned."
Questions to ask wife
• What do my words tell you about what's going on in my heart?
• If you could change 3 things about my choice of words when we talk, what would they be?
• In general, what does my tone of voice communicate to you? If you could change 3 things about my vocal inflection when we talk, what would they be?
• If you could change 3 things about my body language when we talk, what would they be?
• How, specifically, would you like me to express love through touch?
• In what situations would you like my undivided attention? When would it be OK for me to multitask while we talk?
• On a scale of 1-10 (harsh to gentle), how well do I control my anger when we talk?
• Which way I express anger bothers you most?
• At what point do I cross line between passionate persuasion and sinful anger and harshness?
• What verbal or non-verbal ways could you tell me when I've crossed that line?
• When I cross the line, would you be willing to politely suggest that I make my point another way?
• How well do I quickly seek your forgiveness after sinning against you?
• On scale of 1-10 (unreasonable to very reasonable), how much of a chance do you have of changing my mind?
Biblical communication inventory (have wife rate you on how you talk to her)
I use inappropriate words
I use inappropriate inflections
I use inappropriate facial expressions
I don't look at you
I don't touch you enough
I blow up (ventilate anger)
I clam up (internalize anger)
I interrupt you
I'm inattentive you
I judge your motives
I seem uninterested in, or unwilling to, talk to you
I use sweeping generalizations
I blameshift my responsibilities to you
I don't ask for your forgiveness
I dredge up from past things I promised to forgive
I scold you
I put you down
I use biting sarcasm
I'm harsh
I don't make every effort to resolve conflicts
I haven't sought help from other Christians
How to Love Your Wife: Part 1
Recognize that your wife is a sinner. Love her as Christ loves his sinful bride.
Questions to ask wife
• Am I more a giver or taker?
• In what ways would you like me to be more of a giver?
• Which elements of love (1 Cor 13:4-7) do I demonstrate well? In which do I need to improve?
• What are your greatest needs? How can I be better at meeting them?
• What are your deepest desires? How can I help you fulfill them?
• On scale of 1-10 (too passive to active initiation), how do you rate my initiating in love?
• Are there any areas you want me to be more of an initiator?
• How cherished/special do I make you feel? How can I cherish you more?
• How well do I demonstrate love to you when you're sinning? How would you like me to love you when you're sinning?
• What other ways can I more thoroughly love you as Christ loves Church?
• Are there other ways I can love you?
Wife's needs and desires, your resources
1. List wife's needs (e.g., time in Bible, time with you, food, shelter, sleep).
2. List wife's desires.
3. List your resources to meet those needs and desires.
4. Ask wife to help you complete and prioritize both lists.
How to Love Your Wife: Part 2
Getting upset over trivial disappointments may indicate bitterness.
Rather than getting upset, explain disappointment to wife, forgive her when she repents, work with her on biblical solution to problem.
Don't be unforgiving toward wife. Compare wife's relatively trivial offenses against you to your enormous offenses against God, which He's forgiven (see Parable of Unforgiving Servant in Matthew 18:23-35).
When you get angry at wife, ask yourself what you want from her. Rather than thinking she's a bad person because she doesn't give you what you want, tell yourself, "Having a wife who doesn't [fulfill your inordinate desire] isn't the end of the world. I need to love God and her more than I love [your inordinate desire]."
Questions to ask wife
• How often do you see me get overly emotional over trivial disappointments? Can you give me recent examples?
• On scale of 1-10 (extremely bitter to very forgiving), how do you rate me? Why?
• To what extent do you think I've applied 3 promises of forgiveness with you (not bringing up forgiven offenses, not telling others about them, not dwelling on them)?
• May I tell you what causes me to become sinfully angry with you, as I work to dethrone inordinate desires?
• When I become angry, harsh, impatient, will you ask me, "You seem upset with me. How have I sinned against you?" "You're [angry, harsh, impatient, etc.]. What are you telling yourself?" "What is it you want from me that I'm not giving you?"
• What's the best way for me to tell you that I'm disappointed or frustrated with you?
• Of all the ways I've become sinfully angry or harsh with you, which disturbs you most?
How to Fight Back Without Getting Even
To restore romance, change how you think about wife, what you do for her, what you do with her. Act like you did when dating.
When wife sins against you, best way to overcome that is to love her by meeting her needs (see list at end of ch. 5).
Questions to ask wife
• Have I said anything that indicates I'm bitter toward you?
• To what extent do you think I've forgotten what things were like between us when we were dating? What do you think I should remember?
• What do you think I need to repent of related to what I tell myself about you?
• To what extent do you think I've stopped dating you? What did I used to do with and for you that I no longer enthusiastically do? What new or additional ways may I date you?
• To what extent do you think I've become weary of properly dealing with your sin?
• In what ways do I consistently provoke you to sin?
• In what ways do I exacerbate our conflicts by sinfully responding to your sin?
• In what ways do I prolong our conflicts by not dealing with issues quickly?
• In what ways do I allow myself to become sinfully discouraged by your sin?
• How well do I respond in love when you're not acting loving toward me?
• Will you help me think of loving things I can do when you're sinning toward me?
Pleasing Possibilities
Reason Paul said it's good to remain single (1 Cor 7:26) even though God said it's not good (Gen 2:18) is that Paul was writing in context of "present distress" (persecution at his time). When Paul wrote, "… those who have wives should be as though they had none …" (1 Cor 7:29), he wasn't contradicting Bible's commands to husbands, but warning husbands not to let their marital responsibilities interfere with their responsibilities to serve God (Lk 14:20); they should serve God as zealously as unmarried.
When you have conflict with wife, ask yourself, "What does she want from me that she thinks I'm not giving her?" If it's not clear, ask her.
Questions to ask wife
• When we were dating, what were your favorite things we used to do together? What did we do then that you wish we could do more of now?
• To what extent do you think I try to please you before pleasing myself? Do I alter my plans to fit in with yours? Do I sufficiently conform myself to your likes and dislikes? Is there anything I do or don't do that you don't approve of? Can you think of any changes you would like me to make that would really please you? Am I mindful of the non-sinful idiosyncratic things I do or say that really irritate you?
• To what extent do you believe that my selfishness distracts me or otherwise prohibits me from pleasing you?
• Is there a difference between the things I can do to please you publicly and the things I can do to please you privately?
• In light of Romans 15:1-2, what burdens do you have that I can better bear?
• Do you believe that I really understand the things that are most important to you (things you value most)? If not, what do you wish I would better understand about those things?
• During our last big conflict, was there something you wanted from me that I wasn't giving to you? What was it? Can you help me understand why that was so important to you?
• Can you think of anything else I can do or stop doing that would show you that I really want to please you?
"Honey, You Need a Bath"
Questions to ask wife
1. To what extent do you believe a husband should help his wife in her spiritual growth?
2. On a scale of 1-10, how am I helping you to be more like Christ?
3. How could I get a 9.5 or 10?
4. How much time do you spend reading and meditating on the Bible each day or week?
5. Is that enough to help you grow spiritually? Explain.
6. In what specific ways would you most like to grow as a Christian?
7. To what extent would you be willing to let me help you find Bible passages to help you grow in those areas and hold you accountable?
8. Would you be willing to go through a checklist of ways I can help you be sanctified with Scripture?
9. Can you think of any other ways I can help you grow in faith?
Sexual Relations In Marriage
After marriage, husband often turns attention from romance to other things, but wife has become accustomed to romance, and expects it to continue.
Masturbation is sinful
• It's against primary intent of sex because it's selfish rather than loving.
• It almost always involves lust (Mt 5:28).
• It often causes guilt, and when you do something against your conscience, it's sinful (Rom 14:22-23).
Questions to ask wife
• If you could change 3 things about our sex life, what would you change?
• Am I a giver or a taker in our sexual relationship?
• Do you think I have been selfish sexually in any ways?
• Is there anything we have done sexually that you are uncomfortable doing?
• Is there anything we have not done sexually that you think you would enjoy?
• What do you think of our frequency of sex?
• Am I proactive/aggressive enough sexually? Do I take enough initiative?
• Do I provide enough affection and foreplay prior to intercourse?
• Do you feel pressured to perform a certain way by anything that I do or say?
• Do I have any offensive odors, mannerisms, or habits that reduce your enjoyment of sex?
• Is there anything about my appearance you dislike so much that it reduces your enjoyment of sex?
• Is there any part of your body you dislike so much that it reduces your enjoyment of sex?
• How necessary to your satisfaction is having an orgasm?
• Are there any other marital or personal issues that reduce your enjoyment of sex?
• Do I make enough of effort to provide a pleasant, comfortable, secure environment for sex?
• What time of day and in what situations do you most and least prefer sex?
• Am I creative enough in my attempts to initiate sex?
• Is there anything else I can do with speech, attitude, or action to make our sexual relationship more meaningful?
Protecting Your Wife from Danger
Husband's priorities
1. Relationship with God (Eph 5:18; Col 3:16; Mt 22:37-38)
2. Relationship with wife (Eph 5:22-33; Col 3:19; 1 Cor 7:33)
3. Relationship with kids (Eph 6:1-4; Col 3:21; Deut 6:6-9)
4. Relationship with employer, employees (Eph 6:5-9; Col 3:22-25; 2 Thess 3:6-12)
Questions to ask wife
• Who or what were your greatest influences for good and evil as you were growing up?
• Who and what are the greatest influences for good in your life right?
• Who and what are the greatest influences for evil in your life right now?
• Do you have any questions or doubts about my motivation for wanting you to be protected from danger?
• In what ways do you think I may have overprotected or micromanaged you in the past? What can I do to keep from doing this in the future?
• From what dangers do you think I might need your help as I guard my heart and life?
How Much Is She Worth to You?
Questions to ask self
• How valuable is wife to me?
• How do I honor her?
• How do I prefer her to be honored more than me?
• How do I ensure she gets honor?
• How thankful am I to God for her?
• How much better off am I than before we married?
• How many of my needs and desires does she fulfill? How often have I taken them for granted?
• How do I show others how valuable she is to me?
How to show wife honor & respect
• Don't use harsh, condescending communication.
• Don't abuse your authority.
• Praise her before others, especially your children.
• Be attentive when she is talking to you.
• Ask for and consider her opinion, especially in plans and decisions that involve her.
• Give her money to do a few things unrelated to being wife & mother (be generous).
• Praise her and commend her to others (Pro 31:29).
• Don't allow children to talk disrespectfully to her (Eph 6:2).
• Be kind and gentle with her (Col 3:12-13; 1 Cor 13).
• Attribute best possible motive to her actions (1 Cor 13:7).
Questions to ask wife
• Do you ever think that I am too much of a bully (too domineering, dictatorial)?
• In what ways have I made you feel ordinary (not very special to me)?
• In what ways have I failed to give preference to you in honor (Rom 12:10)
• What can I do to make you feel that you are precious to me?
• How may I demonstrate to others the value I place on you? How may I better honor you in front of others?
"Me, a Spiritual Leader?"
Questions to ask wife
• How would you rate me as a "household manager"? What are my strengths, weaknesses?
• Do I come across more as household's owner/boss or manager/steward?
• Do I lord my authority over you?
• Do I put your needs above mine?
Hang In There
If you wish for a fresh start by marrying someone else, instead be the husband to your current wife the Bible requires. A Christian can learn to do anything Bible requires.
Appendix B
When seeking info, don't ask, "why" questions, which make people defensive. Ask "what" or "how" questions.
August 30, 2026
3.5 (Audiobook)
Very thorough! Lots of good things to keep in the back of my mind, but a bit much to really absorb as an unmarried person.
Very thorough! Lots of good things to keep in the back of my mind, but a bit much to really absorb as an unmarried person.
February 12, 2021
I found this book very helpful. It’s much more engaging and readable and less textbook-like than The Exemplary Husband. The Exemplary Husband is a great overview of what Scripture says to husbands. This book is not nearly as comprehensive, but it is much better on the practical application side. It’s loaded with very helpful ideas on how to be a better husband. Particularly helpful are all the lists he gives. For example, in one list he gives over 100 ideas for ways to express love to your wife. If you photocopy that list and have your wife check the things that mean a lot to her, and you check the things you think would mean a lot to her, it can be quite eye-opening.
Priolo’s exegesis is a little bit shaky in a few places, but generally speaking the content is much more sound than what you get in most marriage type books that are on the Christian market. I highly recommend this book.
Priolo’s exegesis is a little bit shaky in a few places, but generally speaking the content is much more sound than what you get in most marriage type books that are on the Christian market. I highly recommend this book.
November 16, 2007
This book has opened up hours of conversation with my wife. Very helpful to cover lots of Scripture and practical examples.
December 16, 2017
Louis P. Priolo is the director of biblical counseling at Valleydale Church in Birmingham, Alabama, and the founder and president of Competent to Counsel International. Priolo has been a full-time biblical counselor since 1985 and is a fellow of the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors. He is a graduate of both Calvary Bible College and Liberty University, and is the author of several books, including The Heart of Anger: Practical Help for Prevention and Cure of Anger in Children, Pleasing People: How Not to be an Approval Junkie, and Resolving Conflict: How to Make, Disturb, and Keep Peace.
Priolo is a world-class thinker and with both the experience and knowledge to help others navigate life through a Christian worldview. One of the lasting achievement to flow from Priolo’s pen is arguably the publication, and now a newly expanded revision of The Complete Husband: A Practical Guide for Improved Biblical Husbanding. The far-reaching impact of exemplifying the characteristics of a biblical husband has the potential to significantly shape a culture, and Priolo offers readers an accessible handbook for engaging such husbandry.
The Complete Husband is a challenging read for anyone who seriously approaches the role of husband. Priolo’s presuppositions for such are established in the enabling power of the Holy Spirit and his assistance therein. Priolo explains, “It is impossible for any man to consistently do what the Bible says without the assistance of the Holy Spirit’s enabling power. So, if you are not a Christian—that is, if you have not put your trust in the Lord Jesus Christ for eternal salvation—you will not be able to properly apply the contents of this book to your life” (p. 13).
Rightly so, Priolo is consistently straightforward and honest about the biblical teaching that surrounds husbanding, and he doesn’t shy away from allowing the weight of such to penetrate the heart the reader. Throughout The Complete Husband the reader will not only find practical advice but meaningful interaction with the Bible as the foundation. There are also a number of helpful interview-style questions at the conclusion of each chapter and various workbook-style exercises to assist the reader in the study of the content. That’s right, the study of the content. As Priolo appropriately mentions at the outset, “this is not a book you read; rather, it is the kind of book you study . . . it’s a reference book of practical theology that is designed to be referred to again and again” (p. 15).
The Complete Husband is amazingly useful and life-giving on many levels. Priolo has truly given a gift to the Christian community. First, as mentioned above, the content is boldly honest and is uniquely situated to allow the reader to digest and apply. Second, Priolo has intentionally taken care of how the content flows into the various exercises to ensure that the reader is trained on how to implement specific biblical commands (p. 15). Third, the interview questions are pointed towards couple engagement and allow the reader to work through the material with his spouse. I found this aspect of the book to be extremely rewarding. The kind of conversation that arose from these questions was both organic and meaningful, and my wife and I often began to discuss the content together. There are some very pointed and vulnerable questions that you may need to prepare your heart for before discussing. But, if approached with humility and a willingness to hear honest feedback from your spouse, then they will become motivation for conformity to the exemplar husband whom Priolo points the readers—Jesus.
The Complete Husband: A Practical Guide for Improved Biblical Husbanding (Revised and Expanded) by Louis P. Priolo is a book that should be on the shelf of every Christian man—married or preparing for marriage. I couldn’t recommend it more strongly.
Priolo is a world-class thinker and with both the experience and knowledge to help others navigate life through a Christian worldview. One of the lasting achievement to flow from Priolo’s pen is arguably the publication, and now a newly expanded revision of The Complete Husband: A Practical Guide for Improved Biblical Husbanding. The far-reaching impact of exemplifying the characteristics of a biblical husband has the potential to significantly shape a culture, and Priolo offers readers an accessible handbook for engaging such husbandry.
The Complete Husband is a challenging read for anyone who seriously approaches the role of husband. Priolo’s presuppositions for such are established in the enabling power of the Holy Spirit and his assistance therein. Priolo explains, “It is impossible for any man to consistently do what the Bible says without the assistance of the Holy Spirit’s enabling power. So, if you are not a Christian—that is, if you have not put your trust in the Lord Jesus Christ for eternal salvation—you will not be able to properly apply the contents of this book to your life” (p. 13).
Rightly so, Priolo is consistently straightforward and honest about the biblical teaching that surrounds husbanding, and he doesn’t shy away from allowing the weight of such to penetrate the heart the reader. Throughout The Complete Husband the reader will not only find practical advice but meaningful interaction with the Bible as the foundation. There are also a number of helpful interview-style questions at the conclusion of each chapter and various workbook-style exercises to assist the reader in the study of the content. That’s right, the study of the content. As Priolo appropriately mentions at the outset, “this is not a book you read; rather, it is the kind of book you study . . . it’s a reference book of practical theology that is designed to be referred to again and again” (p. 15).
The Complete Husband is amazingly useful and life-giving on many levels. Priolo has truly given a gift to the Christian community. First, as mentioned above, the content is boldly honest and is uniquely situated to allow the reader to digest and apply. Second, Priolo has intentionally taken care of how the content flows into the various exercises to ensure that the reader is trained on how to implement specific biblical commands (p. 15). Third, the interview questions are pointed towards couple engagement and allow the reader to work through the material with his spouse. I found this aspect of the book to be extremely rewarding. The kind of conversation that arose from these questions was both organic and meaningful, and my wife and I often began to discuss the content together. There are some very pointed and vulnerable questions that you may need to prepare your heart for before discussing. But, if approached with humility and a willingness to hear honest feedback from your spouse, then they will become motivation for conformity to the exemplar husband whom Priolo points the readers—Jesus.
The Complete Husband: A Practical Guide for Improved Biblical Husbanding (Revised and Expanded) by Louis P. Priolo is a book that should be on the shelf of every Christian man—married or preparing for marriage. I couldn’t recommend it more strongly.
March 15, 2025
Maridos Perseguindo a Excelência, de Lou Priolo, é um livro cristão voltado para homens que desejam ser melhores maridos à luz dos princípios bíblicos. Priolo argumenta que o casamento exige esforço e dedicação intencional, e que um marido deve buscar a excelência em sua liderança, amor e serviço à esposa. O livro se baseia em passagens bíblicas para mostrar que o papel do marido vai além do provedor e protetor; ele deve ser um líder espiritual e um exemplo de Cristo dentro do lar. A obra também traz aplicações práticas para o dia a dia, ajudando os maridos a identificarem falhas e a trabalharem na construção de um relacionamento mais sólido e saudável.
Uma das definições centrais do livro é a de amor, que Priolo apresenta como uma atitude altruísta de buscar o bem do outro, independentemente das circunstâncias. O amor, segundo ele, não é apenas um sentimento, mas um compromisso ativo de agir em prol do bem-estar da esposa, mesmo quando isso exige sacrifício pessoal. Esse amor se reflete em paciência, bondade, humildade e um desejo sincero de atender às necessidades da companheira. O autor enfatiza que amar a esposa verdadeiramente significa colocar os interesses dela acima dos próprios, assim como Cristo fez pela igreja.
Em contrapartida, Priolo define o egoísmo como a busca dos próprios interesses em detrimento dos outros. O egoísmo no casamento se manifesta quando um marido prioriza suas vontades, comodidades ou desejos sem considerar o impacto sobre sua esposa. Ele argumenta que o egoísmo é uma das principais raízes dos conflitos conjugais e que a solução está na disposição de abrir mão do próprio conforto para servir e amar genuinamente. O egoísmo, não o ódio, é o contrário do amor.
O livro incentiva os maridos a examinarem suas atitudes e a cultivarem um caráter que reflete o amor de Deus dentro do relacionamento conjugal.
É um livro excepcionalmente instrutivo, prático, bíblico e útil. Sem dúvida, uma obra para reler várias vezes.
Eu li a 2a edição, mas não há o cadastro dele no Goodreads.
Uma das definições centrais do livro é a de amor, que Priolo apresenta como uma atitude altruísta de buscar o bem do outro, independentemente das circunstâncias. O amor, segundo ele, não é apenas um sentimento, mas um compromisso ativo de agir em prol do bem-estar da esposa, mesmo quando isso exige sacrifício pessoal. Esse amor se reflete em paciência, bondade, humildade e um desejo sincero de atender às necessidades da companheira. O autor enfatiza que amar a esposa verdadeiramente significa colocar os interesses dela acima dos próprios, assim como Cristo fez pela igreja.
Em contrapartida, Priolo define o egoísmo como a busca dos próprios interesses em detrimento dos outros. O egoísmo no casamento se manifesta quando um marido prioriza suas vontades, comodidades ou desejos sem considerar o impacto sobre sua esposa. Ele argumenta que o egoísmo é uma das principais raízes dos conflitos conjugais e que a solução está na disposição de abrir mão do próprio conforto para servir e amar genuinamente. O egoísmo, não o ódio, é o contrário do amor.
O livro incentiva os maridos a examinarem suas atitudes e a cultivarem um caráter que reflete o amor de Deus dentro do relacionamento conjugal.
É um livro excepcionalmente instrutivo, prático, bíblico e útil. Sem dúvida, uma obra para reler várias vezes.
Eu li a 2a edição, mas não há o cadastro dele no Goodreads.
November 21, 2017
This is the most serious book on being the complete husband, a practical guide for improved Biblical husbanding. It is a revised and expanded edition from a 1998 guide. Lou Priolo has been a full time biblical counselor for 35 years with his base in Birmingham Alabama. This is no light approach to marriage with cute stories. It is 100% serious admonitions to the husband in every single chapter a Bible verse. Lou has taken every Biblical verse in the Bible that talks of marriage and presents a lesson for the husband in how to be better.
The assumption in his book is that the male head of household has spent at least an hour a day in pray and Bible study, with his wife, and then finds himself needing improvement in his marriage. There is a discussion of sex and divorce, but it is your God given mandate to love your wife 100% and even if she is a nonbeliever not to divorce. This book has no lengthy examples of poor husband but only lists and suggestions page after page with Bible verse ensuring you are a Biblical husband. This is a MANUAL, not a suggestion. It is written to the male head of household and I as a reviewer think our modern male Christian husband in our reformed tradition would say it is over the top too hard to do, but might consider trying to improve his husband role. There is not too much on rearing children, only the relationship with the wife. Most of his footnotes refer to other books by himself, and every single paragraph has a Biblical quote. Very complete and helpful, I am sure, however I have been married 60 years and we never have had such a complete Biblical life in our marriage every minute of every day. I know my husband would never read the book, or change his way of communication in our marriage that we consider to be excellent. Take a serious look at the book, if you need a manual in your library.
September 17, 2018
The Complete Husband by Lou Priolo is “a guide to biblical husbanding.” The wording of that sub-title might be a little awkward to say, but it accurately captures the author’s biblical thesis: husband is not just someone you are, it is something you do. Continually and intentionally. Priolo has written a book about how to be a husband that is helpful and biblical. It is instructive without being academic, biblical without being boring, and easy to read without being shallow. More often than not, the examples and settings of the book seem written to men who are already husbands and maybe have not done such a great job of it (that’s pretty much all of us), but it would also make a good book to give to a man about to be married, in order to shape his mind with biblical thoughts of how to husband. The only complaint I have is that some of the author’s wording and style of writing about leadership/headship dynamics in a marriage is occasionally less than nuanced. I’m not advocating for an egalitarian point of view, but I would have liked to see him give more active consideration to the fact that many (most?) of today’s readers will need to be brought along in their understanding of leadership and headship dynamics in a marriage. Having said that, it was a minor point in a great book and I think any man who is married, will be married, wants to be married, or might be married, should read it.
Want to Read
October 30, 2020What does it take to be a "Biblical Husband"? The Complete Husband by Lou Priolo is the ground-breaking book that Christian men have been waiting for.A In it, the author turns his years of biblical counseling wisdom to the subject of being a husband.A The author reminds his readers that pleasing their wives does not automatically equate to the sexual arena.A Men must think in terms of the whole relationship, and the whole person.A However, since he is aware that sexual relations is part of the blueprint God created for marriage, he devotes an entire chapter to the subject.A Above all, Priolo stresses that it is correct biblical thinking that leads to tender actions that in turn lead to complete fulfillment in the marriage bond.
February 17, 2025
This is the best book on marriage that I have read. My biggest takeaway is the Biblical responsibility that Priolo lays out for the husband. Basically it comes down to this… I as a husband am responsible for my wife’s success in every area of life (spiritual, physical, emotional, career, family, etc).
If my wife is failing in any area, it is my fault. The Lord gave her to me and I am to present her back to Him spotless.
This is a much stronger stance than I had previously understood or interpreted Scripture to say.
The 1 Peter 3:7 notebook is an incredible idea. I tried it but did not have much success as my marriage is new and there aren’t really any major problems yet. But, I will definitely revisit in a few years.
If my wife is failing in any area, it is my fault. The Lord gave her to me and I am to present her back to Him spotless.
This is a much stronger stance than I had previously understood or interpreted Scripture to say.
The 1 Peter 3:7 notebook is an incredible idea. I tried it but did not have much success as my marriage is new and there aren’t really any major problems yet. But, I will definitely revisit in a few years.
September 3, 2018
Great book & very comprehensive. 5 stars for the practical and biblical insights & help! Excellent from a biblical counseling perspective.
However, I almost did 4 stars because the writing style is a bit dry & it takes endurance to finish the book! Reminds me of The Exemplary Husband in this. I could see using it for a Men’s Breakfast where only 2 chapters are read a month or for counseling a husband & discussing a chapter or two at a time...many of the men I know would not slog through the slower parts (not many illustrations).
However, I almost did 4 stars because the writing style is a bit dry & it takes endurance to finish the book! Reminds me of The Exemplary Husband in this. I could see using it for a Men’s Breakfast where only 2 chapters are read a month or for counseling a husband & discussing a chapter or two at a time...many of the men I know would not slog through the slower parts (not many illustrations).
August 31, 2026
If you truly and sincerely love the Bible then this is a fantastic work for husbands! There is so much scripture to back up the points, which are VERY counter to modern pop psychology, and really get to the meat of marriage. This is not for the feint Christian heart and means business if you’re willing to take up the mantle.
November 25, 2021
Bueno
Muy bueno
Para cuando inicias tu vida cristiana
Los apéndices son lo mejor
Pero siempre se aprende de los libros
Sin embargo si lo resumo se pueden disminuir muchas páginas
Leerlo; si, vale la pena
Gracias a DIOS por herramientas útiles
Muy bueno
Para cuando inicias tu vida cristiana
Los apéndices son lo mejor
Pero siempre se aprende de los libros
Sin embargo si lo resumo se pueden disminuir muchas páginas
Leerlo; si, vale la pena
Gracias a DIOS por herramientas útiles
December 31, 2021
Vraiment le meilleur livre que j'ai lu sur le rôle du mari. Je le conseille à tous les hommes sans exception. Il est centré sur l'Evangile et très pratique. Je vous assure que votre couple se portera mieux après la mise en pratique de ce livre.
February 15, 2024
This book was a real eye opener of how you’re suppose to treat your wife. You may think you’re a lot right, but when you go through the book, you will see how much there truly is to work on. Being a true Christian husband takes a lot of work and prayer to be the husband your wife deserves.
November 29, 2024
Such a great book. I intend to reread, implement much of its content into my marriage, and tout the book to husbands in my circle. I’ve read Piper and Keller on marriage and they’re great but this has to be the most practical/impactful book I’ve taken in on the subject!
March 12, 2025
This book can apply to. All husbands
I've been married for 48 years and I found it's not too late to make changes. Things that I've said or done in the past unknowingly
may have been hurtful to my wife. Think before you speak
They will
I've been married for 48 years and I found it's not too late to make changes. Things that I've said or done in the past unknowingly
may have been hurtful to my wife. Think before you speak
They will
August 23, 2018
Superior...challenging....honest...Biblically based
Displaying 1 - 30 of 54 reviews