Mommy Burnout: How to Reclaim Your Life and Raise Healthier Children in the Process

by Sheryl Ziegler

The ultimate must-read handbook for the modern mother: a practical, and positive tool to help free women from the debilitating notion of being the "perfect mom," filled with funny and all too relatable true-life stories and realistic suggestions to stop the burnout cycle, and protect our kids from the damage burnout can cause.

Moms, do you feel tired? Overwhelmed? Have you continually put off the things you need to do for you? Do you feel like it’s all worth it because your kids are happy? Are you "over" being a mother? If you answered yes to these questions, you’re not alone. Parents today want to create the ideal childhood for their children. Women strive to be the picture-perfect Pinterest mother that looks amazing, hosts the best birthday parties in town, posts the most "liked" photos, and serves delicious, nutritious home-cooked meals in her neat, organized home after ferrying the kids to school and a host of extracurricular activities on time.

This drive, while noble, can also be destructive, causing stress and anxiety that leads to "mommy burnout." Psychologist and family counselor Dr. Sheryl Ziegler is well-versed in the stress that moms face, and the burden of guilt they carry because they often feel like they aren’t doing enough for their kids’ happiness. A mother of three herself, Dr. Z—as she’s affectionately known by her many patients—recognizes and understands that modern moms are all too often plagued by exhaustion, failure, isolation, self-doubt, and a general lack of self-love, and their families are also feeling the effects, too.

Over the last nineteen years working with families and children, Dr. Z has devised a prescriptive program for addressing "mommy burnout"—teaching moms that they can learn to re-energize themselves and still feel good about their families and their lives. In this warm and empathetic guide, she examines this modern epidemic among mothers who put their children’s happiness above their own, and offers empowering, proven solutions for alleviating this condition, saving marriages and keeping kids happy in the process.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Self Help, Audiobook, Psychology, Personal Development, Adult

314 pages, Kindle Edition

Published February 20, 2018

Reviews

[Kimberly Mccune · Rating 3 out of 5]

First of all, I'd like to sincerely apologize to everyone I recommended this book to before I finished reading it. It has some glaring problems that I think future readers need to be aware of before picking it up.

1) It is extremely heteronormative. Each chapter contains a case study and EVERY SINGLE WOMAN the author describes is either married to a man, divorced from a man, or a single mother who had a boyfriend. The language used throughout the book refers to hetero couples and nuclear families, basically erasing anything that isn't man, wife, and 2.5 kids. Even if the author genuinely only has stories to share from hetero couples, it isn't that hard to change the word "husband" to "partner." :-/

2) Speaking of men, the general attitude towards them is very, "men are from Mars, women are from Venus." The author went out of her way on numerous occasions to reiterate that women and men just *think differently* and that's why women are so stressed, ignoring, of course, all of the cultural perceptions women have lopped on top of them that men don't have to endure. The chapter on husbands (heteronormative, see?) was the most grating, as it kept giving the (presumably female, hetero, married) reader advice on how to help her husband rather than suggesting that if there is stress in the marriage that it might actually be the responsibility of BOTH husband and wife to seek help.

3) This book completely ignores privilege and the role it plays not only in creating stress, but also seeking help to relieve it. Just being able to see a therapist is a huge privilege in and of itself. Financial strain, racial tensions, cultural expectations, political climate, etc. are never addressed. We can tell moms to "take some me time" and "cut back on responsibilities" all we want but for some women that isn't even a remote possibility and we need to start collectively addressing that before we can ever hope that women (as a group) will feel less stressed.

4) The "prescription plan" at the end of the book is basically a joke. Things like "plan a trip," "laugh," etc. are all things we KNOW WE SHOULD DO but if we could do them, would we be so stressed in the first place? My guess is no.

THAT BEING SAID ... I took quite a lot from this book. I happen to be married to a man. I happen to have two children. I happen to be in a position where I can attend therapy. This book helped me to identify some of the things that I have been dealing with lately and it encouraged me to finally seek outside help for those issues. There is still quite a lot of value in this book, especially for women who feel like they are burning the candle at both ends, drowning and they can't get out, love their families but can't help but resent them, etc. If nothing else, I think this book is a useful tool in helping women who are struggling finally recognize part of the reason for why they feel the way that they do. Hopefully it will encourage others to seek help, just as it did for me.

[Erin · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book offers advice for the modern mom who feels like she needs to do 1,000 things for her family, her home, and herself. Dr. Ziegler had been a child psychologist for many years when she noticed that many of the mothers shared the same issues too. She labeled this feeling of constant stress as "mommy burnout".

The book goes through numerous stories of moms that Dr. Ziegler worked with and their various struggles including overtending their children, overbooking their schedules, being addicted to social media, not spending enough time with friends, and not having hobbies or interests outside of their home or work. Most of the suggestions on how to fix things were to talk more and visit more with your friends in real life. She also suggested spending less time on social media, identifiying what your "zone out" behaviors were (TV, phone scrolling, internet) and decrease those in favor of being present in the moment.

She also noted that although women want their husbands to understand and be able to help, that husbands literally cannot feel the same feelings mothers feel and so it's best to talk to other women about your motherhood struggles. I don't know how much I agree with that, but it's what she observed. While I do think that mommy burnout is a real issue, it seems like the problem will not be solved unless society as a whole changes its stance from expecting so much from mothers. Yes, one mother can take more time to herself, be less involved in her kid's education or activities, but that mother is likely to be labeled as a "bad mom" for doing so. I did find some good advice in here for the future. My kids are still small, but I'm on the path for overtending so it was nice to recognize that and try to curb my behavior before I experience full burnout.

The book made some impression on me because I made time to pluck my eyebrows and do my nails (things I did frequently before kids) during the week I was reading it.

[Shannon McKenzie · Rating 2 out of 5]

If your mommy burnout can be solved by a few girls weekends to the spa, then this book is for you. If you do not have the financial or logistic support for that - then you probably won’t find much useful in this book - other than a facial workout as you roll your eyes a lot. Great concept - but devolves into not much substance for a really big issue. This book pretty much assumes (and says implicitly) that if you just prioritize your life better, you could find 2 free hours a day for yourself (seriously?!) and continually talks about getting together for weekend trips away to a spa with girlfriends (who can afford that? Who will watch the children, especially if you’re a single mom?).

Also - although it is mentioned constantly that these moms are doing nearly all the work, the answer never seems to be having the fathers do more (lots of mentions of how they’re just wired differently. Um. Ok? Prove it.). Basically - the author says the answer is for moms to build a better tribe of other moms who can help her more - with things like car pooling and babysitting swaps. Ok. So - to cure our mommy burnout we are going to ask other moms, who are also burnt out, to help us shoulder our burdens, while ignoring the elephant in the room of dad’s not stepping up (because that will get in the way of our sex lifes. And poor dads need more sex, according to the author. Moms, it is implied, better fix their mommy burn out before their men have to go to long without sex. Seriously?!)

[Laura Larson · Rating 5 out of 5]

When I think of self-help books, I think one of three things. 1- it is going to be a lot of new-age hippie mumbo jumbo about the healing powers of essential oils or getting in touch with the Earth or some other opinions with no actual proven efficacy. 2- it will tell you all the thinks you do wrong and belittle you for doing them wrong to begin with. 3- It will be so completely full of studies and technical facts that it will be extremely dry and therefore not useful at all.
This book was none of those things and all of those things at the same time. The author combines all the best parts of typical self-help and completely avoids being condescending or overly scientific. She perfectly blends stories from her private practice with studies and statistics from well reputed sources and stories of her own personal struggles, missteps, and successes. Her writing is both entertaining and helpful. Though I am not currently experiencing "mommy burnout", I am dealing with PPD. I feel like this book has given me ways to handle my current issue as well as ways to avoid future burnout. I'm 100% positive I will be including this with all future baby shower gifts and I highly recommend all parents read this even if you don't feel like it is currently relevant to you. You never know when you will be about to help a friend.

I won an advance copy of this book thru Goodreads Giveaways.

[Melissa · Rating 2 out of 5]

So so so gender essentialist/heteronormative.

[Lauryn Hixon · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.75
Another armchair challenge book that I enjoyed! I feel like with all self help books (especially parenting ones) I love to hear and learn new things but take it all with a grain of salt haha. I feel like this is a very important topic to discuss though and that moms don’t get enough credit for how much they are doing everyday. It was great to listen and try to think of ways that I could be less stressed and instead of being the mom the world wants me to be I can be the mom my kids need. I would say if you are a mother it is a great one to read and to be aware of the strain we put on ourselves as mothers!

[Diana · Rating 4 out of 5]

I usually find a lot to complain about with self help books, but I really enjoyed this one. Dr. Ziegler presented real life case studies in each chapter from her therapy practice, and I found the examples to be relatable and interesting. Her chapters are centered around themes - building a support network, healthy social media use, work/life balance, for example, and she presents a “prescription plan” for each topic. I thought her advice was practical and realistic, and refreshingly lacking the “woo” and touchy feely nonsense prevalent in so many advice books written for women.

[Stephanie Spake · Rating 4 out of 5]

“Instead of striving to he the best mom, strive to be the mom that your child needs.”

In the current climate with how much moms have on our plates and the expectations to be perfect, I am glad I picked up this book. I enjoyed the personal anecdotes and stories scattered throughout the book and found them so relatable. I will try very hard to set down the martyrdom expectation and take the suggestions from the book.

It was semi-repetitive, so that’s why it got a 4 from me. But reading this book felt like free therapy.

[Nicole · Rating 3 out of 5]

Although I enjoyed hearing about other mother's stories and knowing many mom's feel overwhelmed at times, I didn't think the authors solutions provided anything new and original. Self care, time for yourself, exercise, eat well, spend time connecting with friends, etc. Duh.

[Dpalange44 · Rating 4 out of 5]

Oh my gosh I have this!

The one thing I did not appreciate is the assertion that a Dad cannot have mommy burnout because of our different hormones.

I am the primary caregiver for my kids. If I am experiencing the same symptoms as my fellow mommies, what is my burnout called ?

[Liz De Coster · Rating 2 out of 5]

Heavy on the anecdotes, light on the research or recommendations.

[Cal · Rating 1 out of 5]

While the sentiments and stories included in this book are useful, the diagnosis of "mommy burnout" is just an amalgam of depression and anxiety. Ziegler believes one can only be considered to have depression and/or anxiety if they exhibit the severest of symptoms: the catatonic depression where one is listless, or the paralyzing anxiety.
She thus talks about how depression and anxiety are different from mommy burnout because the former two require medication and therapy, while mommy burnout just needs self care and the company of other women (and not just one's husband because a lot of her theory rests on mommy burnout being a uniquely woman-experienced thing that men just don't understand). As an aside, she also doesn't address what if you are married to a woman and not a man. She rests a lot of her data on women being different from men, and hence why they experience mommy burnout.

It just felt like she was trying to convey what functional depression and anxiety look like, and explain that not every case of these needs medication, which has been proven.

Her book is also also difficult to pin down for inaccuracies because she is correct in some of the treatments of what she calls mommy burnout; both depression and anxiety can be seen more predominantly in cultures that are more individualistic, and so encouraging women to reconnect with one another and ask for help is really just saying they should invest in a community and reap the benefits that come from more communal behaviors and lifestyles.

She also anecdotal threw in other huge topics as asides at the end, like how we need to give our children more free play instead of only structured activities, which is a body of research that is heavily supported. My issue is that the entire book addressed none of that topic, but rather she brought it up as a way to tie up her thoughts about how moms need to be less busy, chauffeur their kids around less, and stop overscheduling their kids' lives. If she wanted to delve in to the free play topic more, she should have mentioned it earlier.

[Samantha Fondriest · Rating 2 out of 5]

I feel like this book is heavy on identifying the problem and light on offering real, practical solutions that are accessible to the average mother. It also focuses more on the burnout from “doing” vs burnout from the mental load. If you are looking for tips to do less and be less artificially busy, you might find this more helpful than I did. I did appreciate feeling “seen” by many of the anecdotes, but the author just doesn’t really seem to have much advice beyond “call your girlfriends!” or “take a trip to a spa for the weekend!” What friends? Who is arranging the child care, prepping the food for this weekend away, and dealing with the house being a mess when they get back home? Don’t get me started on the constant refrain of “men are just wired differently so you can’t expect them to understand.”

If your issue is primarily the constant stress of the mental load and you are looking for concrete solutions you can implement in your daily life, this isn’t the book for you.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I put off reading this book because I’m sick of the cliche regarding exhausted moms who drink lots of wine and wear yoga pants. That’s just not helpful (or funny) anymore. But, this book was far from all of that, and I wish I had read this book two years ago.

For any mom who struggles - no matter how many kids you have, how old they are, or whether or not you work, this book is amazingly helpful. Not only does she talk about all the struggles of motherhood and parenting, BUT SHE ACTUALLY GIVES HELPFUL, PRACTICAL ADVICE.

I could have used this book so many times since my son was born. In fact, I want to get a copy of my own.

[Kari · Rating 4 out of 5]

Another audio book! Most of this was really good and offered some good tips and things to look into if you are feeling overwhelmed. I like how she address the idea of anxiety and depression and how it can totally impact your parenting style and the behaviors of your children. Good read for someone trying to slow down and reclaim some of themselves.

[Becky Beth · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book. It made me feel like I’m not alone and have some good actionable steps to feel less overwhelmed. Not a replacement for therapy and won’t help with huge issues but it was super helpful for me.

[Darcy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I picked this up and would read for a bit and then put it down and move on to something else. Hence, why it took me over a year to finish. I originally read it as research I was doing on burnout, but specifically burnout to being a homeschool parent/teacher. While this book didn't address that specific concern, I thought it would be beneficial at the same time to my overall feelings of burnout in being a Mom.

I wish I could say I found it life changing and the key to fixing everything. Alas, that was not the case. I *do* think the book has value and there were parts of it that were helpful to me as parent. I think if you are experiencing burnout as a Mom, this book is a good place to start.

[Janine Griffin · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has been great in helping me realize I’m not alone. It’s also made me rethink how I plan my days and ways to reduce stress and to help me feel better in life.

[Emily Tolliver · Rating 1 out of 5]

No, this book is garbage, don’t read this. There are so many other, better options out there.

[Danielle Kirby · Rating 5 out of 5]

Recommending this to all my mommy friends!!

[Karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Her chapter on working moms was weak. The answer isn't always leaving your job.

[Ashley · Rating 1 out of 5]

I DNF this at 57%..

Mommy Burnout gave me so many emotions that I can’t imagine the book intended to provoke - I felt anxious, angry, and stressed. The majority of this frustration was from Chapter 3 because of the portrayal of Linda.

Linda’s initial introduction in this chapter is when her family came to therapy together. Her family consists of a very sick youngest kid, two stressed older kids, Linda as the overwhelmed mom, and a busy dad. The book doesn’t touch on the youngest kid (I assume he as in the hospital instead of the sessions), but describes how the older kids seem to overcome their stress, the dad was able to work better because of having less stress*, but Linda remained stressed to the core. Therapy sessions were reduced because they came as a family unit and the majority were less stressed.

The chapter continued on, but I couldn’t move past this story.

I assume that reducing sessions because of the group dynamic was the practical, real life solution, but this is a book about mommy burnout. Where is the happy ending?** When, where, and how does the mom find relief? Don’t get me wrong, I would be genuinely happy that my kids and spouse were less stressed, but I refuse to believe that the happy ending in this scenario, in a book about mommy burnout and whose audience is moms suffering from burnout, leaves the mom still stressed to the core.

I know I paused mid chapter and that there was potentially a happy ending to follow, but I couldn’t stop wondering how I could possibly apply this scenario to my own life. The take away here seemed to be that it’s okay for me to drown as long as everyone else is fine. I don’t accept that. *I also don’t accept that the best outcome for dads is for them to be less stressed so they can work better. Can you imagine if someone said the same towards working moms? Aw man, dad is completely overwhelmed with life and the kids, but hey, look at mom rocking it at work! She should totally keep all her focus on that. I’m not saying work or financial stability isn’t important and I’m not saying that every family is the same. I am saying that I am offended at the idea that a dad’s/husband’s success is measured solely through his ability to financially support his family. Because my stress levels are high and I am offended, this may be more of a molehill than a mountain, especially since the book, up until this point, hadn’t focused on dads contribution to the family. There is also mention that the less stress came from more “me” and family time, so perhaps the point was that he chose to make time for himself and his family, which then allowed him to be more successful elsewhere in his life. I’ll tell you what though, this is not how it felt the first listen.

The next Linda scenario describes her conflicts with her mother and how these conflicts were primarily Linda’s fault. It talked about how Linda was easily offended and reactive towards her mother, even when it was uncalled for. I get that it’s that Linda’s fault for the relationship, but where is the resolution? According to the book, the resolution was for Linda to set aside her differences by appreciating what her mother could give and not dwell on what her mother couldn’t give, focusing on her mother’s strengths, agreeing to disagree, tackling old relationship issues, learning to compromise because “the benefit of a close connection outweigh the costs”, connecting on your commonalities, and creating two way conversations (by asking questions about her mother’s experiences).

Like with the previous scenario, I am left with the overwhelming feeling that everything is Linda’s fault and that Linda (and the reader) needs to ignore their feelings in order to support their relationships. I currently appreciate what my mother can give (a visit to the family) and not what my mother can’t give (a visit to my entire family - my spouse and often incidentally, my stepson, are excluded) and I don’t think it’s a healthy way to deal with a situation. The compromise erodes my relationship with my spouse, makes me feel shameful for not being able to successful set boundaries that allow my family - my whole family - to be present, and deadens my feelings towards my mother. Wouldn’t establishing healthy boundaries go a lot further? I mean, this chapter is titled “I know my mom is just trying to help, but she's doing too much”, right?

I did not expect or appreciate the push to have family in your life, regardless of how toxic the relationship, on the basis of moms needing support. I think the emphasis here should be that moms need support. Toxic or stress-inducing family/in-laws are not support, even if that mom is the fault of their own drama. If you wanted to talk to me about mommy burnout back when I was around my in laws all the time, I would have started with how they felt compelled to say at least one negative thing towards me each time we stopped by, even if it was about the exact same thing that they praised their biological children for previously. That’s not support. You don’t have to know your worth to know that it’s not worth putting yourself in an unhealthy position for the sake of having a relationship. Doing so seems counterproductive to resolving mommy burnout. (I do maintain a relationship with my and his parents, but it’s healthy because of the distance. A close connection does not outweigh the cost.)

When I first listened to this chapter, I was too wound up to focus on the solutions at the end of the chapter. The solution for Linda (and the readers) was to rebuild her “tribe”. The book advises readers to assign friends to each area of our lives, trust others and loosen up on control, stop and say hello to our neighbors instead of running straight into our house, look to the people that are already close by and in our world and take small steps towards connecting with them, join a local club/class/group, follow our passions and interests to your new communities, talk to the people in our daily life, take time to get to know all the people we see every day, and create a leadership role for ourselves (HOA board member, neighborhood watch captain, etc.).

Overall, this seems like good advice and I understand that inserting some purpose into your life and having support systems are incredibly beneficial, but I have a lot of questions: Is the leadership role assuming that moms feel no control or power elsewhere in their life or is this on top of other things that give us purpose and control, like work? Why should moms keep or maintain relationships for the sake of having relationships? Shouldn’t these relationships be meaningful or focused on quality over quantity? Why is every solution so extroverted? When does the payout hit for introverts, who are emotionally taxed by these sort of action items? Where is the mom’s immediate family - is it assumed that the spouse and kids are helping?

As a total aside, I don’t know if it was this chapter or another, but the book recommended walking up to someone at the gym and becoming friends. I am so self conscious and love that I can blend in at the gym. If someone came up to talk to me and beelined to me every time they saw me at the gym, I would be friendly, but completely mortified. Am I really the minority in feeling this way? I will chat at any time and place, to be polite, but I would switch my time at the gym to avoid this situation.

**Linda doesn’t earn her happy ending in this chapter. I feel so tense not knowing if she was ever relieved of her stress. (She has to be, right? Why else would she get such a critique?) I can’t let go of my frustration long enough to finish the book.

[Jaime · Rating 1 out of 5]

One of the few books I couldn't finish. I didnt like the style the book was written in at all. Each chapter was just a detailed explanation of one of her previous client struggling with an issue. The focus was on describing the situation and not really on how the client overcame their struggles. There was also WAY too many unimportant details added in to make it more conversation style. I'm sorry, but I dont need to know that Wendy twisted the long pendant necklace around her neck counter-clockwise. I was moe interested in learning how to prevent and/or correct mommy burnout. Unfortunately, that didnt appear to be the authors focus so I decided not to waste my time finishing the book.

[Rebecca · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book put into words a lot of the hard feelings I have had since becoming a mother. It certainly helped me to understand some of the basic “whys” and gave some practical self-care options. The topics range from marriage to social media use and the author who is a therapist includes a personal story from mothers she has worked with which highlights these areas and gives advice for healthy living in each. There is not a lot of depth to this book but I enjoyed reading it and would recommend it to any mother who is struggling with feeling overwhelmed.

[Erika · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was one of my favorite self-help books I've read. The author gave lots of great examples and ideas to help moms have a less stressful and more rewarding life. One main takeaway is to not isolate yourself from other adults, which is so easy to do when we have so many responsibilities as moms. Take time to see friends and to do something for yourself. The author gave many ways to reduce your stress so you aren't overwhelmed. I highly recommend this book to all moms!

[Bird · Rating 3 out of 5]

Maybe I'm not as burned our as I thought...? A lot in here wasn't applicable to me - for example, I don't stress over my child's academics or fret about them running around, getting dirty, and sometimes getting hurt (you know, being kids). So while this was entertaining at times, I didn't get as much out of it as I'd hoped.

[Danika E. Hollis · Rating 2 out of 5]

Summary: You’re a mom. You are stressed. So fix it.

[Amy Harris · Rating 3 out of 5]

Bottom line: find your voice and your village. Ask for help and offer the same.

[Catherine · Rating 2 out of 5]

Great stories , some tips, but I wish she had shared what happened when her clients applied the tips. How do I know they work?

[Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found an author I actually like who writes self-help on mothering and kids! Good, practicable advice and tools to recognize all too common burnout.