After Daniel: A suicide survivor's tale

by Moira Farr

Do not in. Please call the police. The words were written on a tiny piece of white paper, tacked to Daniel Jones' white, locked living room door. It was Valentine's Day, 1994, when Moira Farr discovered that the man she loved had killed himself. A man who had struggled to keep his deep depression at bay; a gifted writer; a fine, loving companion: all described the young man who had taken his life using a method clearly outlined in the bestselling "self-help" book, Final Exit.

Five years later, in an account that is both deeply personal and thoughtfully political, writer and editor Moira Farr reflects on Daniel's suicide and its consequences. After Daniel: A Suicide Survivor's Tale is not a sensational tell-all, a self-help book on the grieving process, or an academic review of suicide theories. It is one woman's story -- beautifully, lyrically written -- of her own experiences and her realization that answers come both from within and from looking at suicide in a wider social context.

In a narrative that moves gracefully between personal experience and a provocative analysis of suicide research, Moira Farr reveals how grief for survivors means conquering an obsession with the events leading up to the suicide, in order to leave behind the litany of "if onlys" and eventually heal from the trauma of the event. In a style as haunting as it is elegant, she reflects upon happier times, sharing a love story and a portrait of a man, who despite his demons, seemed to have everything to live for. She looks at the fascination with suicide that is widespread in contemporary popular culture, yet coupled with many myths and misconceptions, in rock music, film, television, and on the Internet. Shetalks to suicide survivors and visits the suicide archive in Calgary -- renowned as the best in the world -- and looks into the growing suicide-prevention movement.

224 pages, Paperback

First published April 8, 1999

Reviews

[Cait · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Trauma has a way of turning people into detectives. In particular, people traumatized by a suicide feel compelled to find out more about the subject, perhaps to alleviate feelings of guilt, perhaps for the solace of knowing they are not alone in their tragedy, or perhaps, more altruistically, to gain and pass on some understanding that might spare someone else a terrible experience."

After reading about Moira Farr's story in a CBC article, I felt compelled to pick up this book and give it a read. Farr delves unapologetically into the topic of suicide, specifically "suicide survivors", or those who are left behind when a loved one ends their life. I relate to Farr's story intensely; by the age of 20 I had already lost more friends to suicide than I have before or since to accident or illness. It's still- for all its pop culture portrayals-- a societal taboo, and as I found out, being a survivor of someone else's suicide puts one in the unenviable position of picking up pieces that will never fit. Farr's novel is beautifully (if at times a bit wordily) written, and I commend her for articulating her experience for others to learn from. While every person who is touched by suicide will have their own way of processing and dealing with the aftermath, Farr captures the entire grotesque (and somehow heart-breakingly beautiful) cycle of grief-cum-rebirth/acceptance in a way that I found profoundly moving.