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Naked and Unashamed: A Guide to the Necessary Work of Christian Marriage
Happy marriages don’t just happen.
Despite the abundance of magazines and self-help books available, people continue to struggle with marriage. Wedding planners, consultants, Pinterest pages, and bloggers have shaped young hearts to dream and plan for the biggest day of their lives. The day is everything, and they will plan each element with precision, from flowers to cake decorations to party favors. Couples will spend an enormous amount of time and money preparing for the wedding, but they will spend little to no time in preparation for the marriage itself.
It takes work to make a marriage successful. Divorce rates are clear evidence of this, but so also are the many married people who are in dire need of counseling and care, who persist in loneliness and difficulty, feeling ill-equipped to navigate the unforeseen difficulties of marriage.
This book exists to coach couples through strategies which will assist them to succeed.
Despite the abundance of magazines and self-help books available, people continue to struggle with marriage. Wedding planners, consultants, Pinterest pages, and bloggers have shaped young hearts to dream and plan for the biggest day of their lives. The day is everything, and they will plan each element with precision, from flowers to cake decorations to party favors. Couples will spend an enormous amount of time and money preparing for the wedding, but they will spend little to no time in preparation for the marriage itself.
It takes work to make a marriage successful. Divorce rates are clear evidence of this, but so also are the many married people who are in dire need of counseling and care, who persist in loneliness and difficulty, feeling ill-equipped to navigate the unforeseen difficulties of marriage.
This book exists to coach couples through strategies which will assist them to succeed.
224 pages, Paperback
Published June 5, 2018
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Displaying 1 - 6 of 6 reviews
July 18, 2018
4.5 stars as a premarital book 4 stars as a marriage book. I’d say it’s informational about marriage but not meant to solve difficult problems. It’s a fantastic premarital book and I would definitely recommend it to people looking for one. They had some of the best explanations on why waiting for marriage for sex is the best way. I disagreed with a few of their ideas but almost none of their applications. Sometimes the metaphors seemed taken too far and stretched a little thing. But in other ways they create helpful mental constructs for ideas that can be hard to put into words. There were gender stereotypes but the authors acknowledged that they are stereotypes and do not apply to all couples. I’m grateful these couples decided to write out their thoughts.
July 10, 2018
It has been a couple of weeks now since I’ve finished NAKED AND UNASHAMED, and I am still meditating on its lessons. The book’s language and tone is so much like a very bright and compassionate friend who speaks without reservation and with wise compassion. Grounded in the Word, the book guides one through the rocky road of sexuality and marriage and family to an intensely personal and spiritual place. Despite the momentary distraction of three different voices speaking in the book (interesting from a Trinitarian point of view), those three distinct voices of experience in NAKED AND UNASHAMED provide rich and comprehensive guidance, offering wisdom for those contemplating marriage all the way through to those in a mature marriage. My husband and I will celebrate 22 years together this summer, and I found that the book spoke to me with new insights and practical measures to improve my marriage, which is quite exciting! As a gardener, the book’s exploration and use of the Bible’s image of marriage as a walled garden really spoke to me. A garden, no matter how old or new, needs weeds pulled, occasional fertilizing, dead plants removed and new and interesting varieties tried out. Thank you, Claudia, Jerry and Jeremy for your honesty and courage to write this book!
August 13, 2018
My wife and I have been married for 16 years. Over that time, and in my role as an erstwhile and intermittent pastor, I have read my share of marriage books. There are some good ones, but a lot of them are pretty terrible. I am always on the hunt for a good marriage book which will help couples, especially those who are engaged, think about how to be married, and do it well, particularly from a Christian faith perspective. So I was pretty excited to read Naked and Unashamed by Jerry & Claudia Root with Jeremy Rios. Naked and unashamed are literally my two favorite ways to be married! I'm kidding (no I'm not).
Jerry Root was Jeremy Rios's mentor and professor when he attended Wheaton College. The material in this book parallels the material which Jerry and Claudia had used for Jeremy and his wife Liesel's premarital counseling. Later when Jeremy became a pastor, they used this same material for premarital counseling with other engaged couples, corresponding with Jerry to fill in the gaps in what he was missing in their notes. Jerry had a manuscript for a book he and Claudia wrote which he sent Jeremy to use in counseling. Jeremy used it in counseling, refined it and helped prepare the material for publication. As Rios says, "Jerry and Claudia's wisdom is the beating heart of the book, and it is the wisdom I have sought to inhabit and live in my own marriage" (201). The Roots bring wisdom won by 42 years of marriage. Jeremy and Liesel Rios have been married for 14 years.
The premise of the book is that marriage asks each of us to reveal ourselves wholly to our spouses. Rios and Roots encourage couples to open up about our histories, our understandings, our spiritual lives, our understanding and experience of gender, our expectations for family and parenting, expectations of finances, and of course, sex. The hope is that women and men would enter into marriage fully, holding nothing back from their spouse, and entering into the sort of relational covenant which God intended for marriage.
Rios and the Roots describe this opening up and revealing' in four sections of their book. In part 1, they describe undressing the areas that allow for greater relational intimacy for couples: sharing our stories (personal histories), our hearts (how we give and receive love), our minds (our goals and dreams), and our souls (our relationship with God). In part 2, they unpack gender, dynamics of communication and woundedness, Part 3 is about exploring expectations shaped by our family and cultural identities (race, nationality, etc), our expectations about parenthood and child raising, and finances. Part 4, intentionally left to the end, describes undressing our sexual selves for the life of sex, and expectations for the wedding night.
The Roots and Rios operate from a conservative, evangelical perspective on marriage and they say a lot that is really helpful. In fact every area they address, or. . . ahem . . . undress, is necessary for the type of life sharing which enables the sort of covenantal life-sharing where the two become one. There is not a single area they discuss, which is unimportant. Part 1 of their book "Unmasking for Intimacy" is really good and they say some wonderful things about exploring each others' histories, how we express intimacy, our life goals, and our spiritual life. They also explore communication well, drawing on the research of John Gottman. Throughout the book, the chapters each end with an assignment for couples to explore together their thoughts on the topic. A couple who reads this book on their own or in the context of premarital counseling would share with one another their hopes and hang-ups, expectations and understanding. This is all really good stuff.
This is a book I could use as a pastor in leading others through premarital counseling, but not without some caveats. I didn't agree with everything Rios and the Roots had to say. For example, I am a Biblical egalitarian, and what I read in the chapter on gender advocated a sort of soft complementarianism, advocating for gender roles, where my tendency is to see mutuality. They quote Ephesians 5:22-33 to show that wives are called to "submit" and husbands are called to "sacrifice" (73-74), without referencing Ephesians 5:21 which describes mutual submission and supplies the whole 'submit' verb for the phrase, "wives submit to your husband" in Ephesians 5:22—the more literal rendering being simply, 'wives, to your husband'. They describe male headship as the husband getting to cast the final vote if the couple is at loggerheads and can't agree on a big decision(76). However, the Roots and Rios do present their views on gender humbly and acknowledge you could be complementarian, egalitarian, or not identify with either camp and have a successful marriage "so long as you acknowledge the complexities of gender, discuss them together and are striving to love one another sacrificially according to the command of Scripture" (74).
One of my pet peeves about marriage books is that I don't always find myself in their description of the characteristics of 'the genders.' Now, I am a cis-gender heterosexual man, and not a particularly feminine one, but whenever someone says 'men are more like this' and 'women generally are more like this,' I discover I am the exception to their rule. Rios and the Roots do this a little bit, sometimes gendering things which were perplexing for me, such as making Paul's instruction in Ephesians 4:26 a description of how the genders get angry (103-105): "Be angry, but do not sin (men lash out), and do not let the sun go down on your anger (women hold grudges). I didn't find this description of the male and female halves of anger a helpful distinction at all. I can hold a grudge with the best of them.
Another area some will find disagreeable is their discussion of the discipline of children, they make the case for physical punishment of kids, " One of the principles of the world, it seems evident that where you will not be taught by reason or reward you will be taught by pain. This is simply a principle of how the world operates and in parenting we are instructing our children in these rules" (144-45). How they frame it, they are careful to underscore the purpose of discipline (training a child) and they bracket out an abusive lashing out, but readers who are suspicious of the value of corporal punishment will disagree on this point.
But agreeing with the Roots and Rios on every point is not the point. The point is getting naked . . . and unashamed. There is a lot of wisdom in what the Roots and Rios discuss here, and even when you disagree with the authors, they have framed the discussion so couples can explore together what their convictions are and understand each other in each of these areas. I give this four stars. ★ ★ ★ ★
Notice of material connection: I received a copy of this book from Paraclete Press in exchange for my honest review. I also know Jeremy Rios, having attended Regent College with him.
Jerry Root was Jeremy Rios's mentor and professor when he attended Wheaton College. The material in this book parallels the material which Jerry and Claudia had used for Jeremy and his wife Liesel's premarital counseling. Later when Jeremy became a pastor, they used this same material for premarital counseling with other engaged couples, corresponding with Jerry to fill in the gaps in what he was missing in their notes. Jerry had a manuscript for a book he and Claudia wrote which he sent Jeremy to use in counseling. Jeremy used it in counseling, refined it and helped prepare the material for publication. As Rios says, "Jerry and Claudia's wisdom is the beating heart of the book, and it is the wisdom I have sought to inhabit and live in my own marriage" (201). The Roots bring wisdom won by 42 years of marriage. Jeremy and Liesel Rios have been married for 14 years.
The premise of the book is that marriage asks each of us to reveal ourselves wholly to our spouses. Rios and Roots encourage couples to open up about our histories, our understandings, our spiritual lives, our understanding and experience of gender, our expectations for family and parenting, expectations of finances, and of course, sex. The hope is that women and men would enter into marriage fully, holding nothing back from their spouse, and entering into the sort of relational covenant which God intended for marriage.
Rios and the Roots describe this opening up and revealing' in four sections of their book. In part 1, they describe undressing the areas that allow for greater relational intimacy for couples: sharing our stories (personal histories), our hearts (how we give and receive love), our minds (our goals and dreams), and our souls (our relationship with God). In part 2, they unpack gender, dynamics of communication and woundedness, Part 3 is about exploring expectations shaped by our family and cultural identities (race, nationality, etc), our expectations about parenthood and child raising, and finances. Part 4, intentionally left to the end, describes undressing our sexual selves for the life of sex, and expectations for the wedding night.
The Roots and Rios operate from a conservative, evangelical perspective on marriage and they say a lot that is really helpful. In fact every area they address, or. . . ahem . . . undress, is necessary for the type of life sharing which enables the sort of covenantal life-sharing where the two become one. There is not a single area they discuss, which is unimportant. Part 1 of their book "Unmasking for Intimacy" is really good and they say some wonderful things about exploring each others' histories, how we express intimacy, our life goals, and our spiritual life. They also explore communication well, drawing on the research of John Gottman. Throughout the book, the chapters each end with an assignment for couples to explore together their thoughts on the topic. A couple who reads this book on their own or in the context of premarital counseling would share with one another their hopes and hang-ups, expectations and understanding. This is all really good stuff.
This is a book I could use as a pastor in leading others through premarital counseling, but not without some caveats. I didn't agree with everything Rios and the Roots had to say. For example, I am a Biblical egalitarian, and what I read in the chapter on gender advocated a sort of soft complementarianism, advocating for gender roles, where my tendency is to see mutuality. They quote Ephesians 5:22-33 to show that wives are called to "submit" and husbands are called to "sacrifice" (73-74), without referencing Ephesians 5:21 which describes mutual submission and supplies the whole 'submit' verb for the phrase, "wives submit to your husband" in Ephesians 5:22—the more literal rendering being simply, 'wives, to your husband'. They describe male headship as the husband getting to cast the final vote if the couple is at loggerheads and can't agree on a big decision(76). However, the Roots and Rios do present their views on gender humbly and acknowledge you could be complementarian, egalitarian, or not identify with either camp and have a successful marriage "so long as you acknowledge the complexities of gender, discuss them together and are striving to love one another sacrificially according to the command of Scripture" (74).
One of my pet peeves about marriage books is that I don't always find myself in their description of the characteristics of 'the genders.' Now, I am a cis-gender heterosexual man, and not a particularly feminine one, but whenever someone says 'men are more like this' and 'women generally are more like this,' I discover I am the exception to their rule. Rios and the Roots do this a little bit, sometimes gendering things which were perplexing for me, such as making Paul's instruction in Ephesians 4:26 a description of how the genders get angry (103-105): "Be angry, but do not sin (men lash out), and do not let the sun go down on your anger (women hold grudges). I didn't find this description of the male and female halves of anger a helpful distinction at all. I can hold a grudge with the best of them.
Another area some will find disagreeable is their discussion of the discipline of children, they make the case for physical punishment of kids, " One of the principles of the world, it seems evident that where you will not be taught by reason or reward you will be taught by pain. This is simply a principle of how the world operates and in parenting we are instructing our children in these rules" (144-45). How they frame it, they are careful to underscore the purpose of discipline (training a child) and they bracket out an abusive lashing out, but readers who are suspicious of the value of corporal punishment will disagree on this point.
But agreeing with the Roots and Rios on every point is not the point. The point is getting naked . . . and unashamed. There is a lot of wisdom in what the Roots and Rios discuss here, and even when you disagree with the authors, they have framed the discussion so couples can explore together what their convictions are and understand each other in each of these areas. I give this four stars. ★ ★ ★ ★
Notice of material connection: I received a copy of this book from Paraclete Press in exchange for my honest review. I also know Jeremy Rios, having attended Regent College with him.
June 24, 2018
Naked and Unafraid is an honest, joyful guide for engaged couples as they prepare for making the commitment of marriage. It is biblical, challenging, and practical.
Like the author, Jeremy Rios, my now husband Greg and I met with Jerry Root in his home in the fall of 2003 (we are the "one other couple" mentioned on page 200) for premarital counseling. It was delightful to read this book written by Jerry, his wife Claudia, and Jeremy because it brought back wonderful memories of our sessions together as well as memories of Greg and I's early years of marriage when we were trying to figure out life together. A lot of the information in the book is the same or similar to what we covered in Jerry's home, but there have been tweaks and additions.
First, I will write about what principles I learned as an not-yet-married that have truly benefited our now 14-year marriage. The most helpful principle was what Jerry shared in the session on expectations for sex, which is chapter 13 of this book. He said that a woman is like a house (in the book they say computer screens) with all her windows open. These windows are distractions that take away her ability to focus on herself and her husband in a way that gets her ready for sex. I need to close my windows and my husband can help close my windows (take over responsibilities with kids, listen to my worries about things, remind me not to read or watch certain things before sex) so that I can be fully present when the time comes. We actually reference my "windows" from time to time and I appreciate that Greg understands how my mind works and is not frustrated by it.
Another principle that Greg and I appreciated at the time and reference still in our relating to one another is the sharpening or sanctifying nature of the marriage relationship. This is mainly covered in chapter 1 of the book. The authors say it best "The attitude of the unredeemed human heart is one of self-governance, self-determination, and self-preservation. I make all choices for me and for my own ends. But marriages cannot survive when partners live this ethic, and nothing quite like marriage will expose that selfishness in all its ugliness. Marriage, in fact, is very like a mirror in which my spouse reflects back at me all that is ugly about myself—my greed, my pettiness, my foolishness, my anger, my unforgiveness. Marriage in this respect is a school of selfishness." pg 8. Not necessarily what two people in the throes of newly engaged love want to hear, but truth nonetheless. A husband and wife are iron sharpening iron.
Lastly, something recommend on page 57 that Greg and I took with us and have implemented for the past 14 years was regularly praying and reading the Bible together. I can distinctly remember sitting in the hotel bed on our honeymoon and Greg picking up the Bible and saying, "where should we start?" And we started in Romans and it took us seven (!) years to read the Bible all the way through together, 10-15 verses a night, every night with few exceptions. Then we started all over again! We also use this time before sleeping to share prayer requests and pray for each other. I love this discipline!
As for the information that impacted me in a fresh way, I most appreciated the discussion about the role of the will in communication in chapter 6. While men might tend to be rational and women might tend to be emotional, the authors do a great job of showing how relying on either rationality or emotion can lead us astray and of the crucial role of our will in communication and relating to one another. I also liked the reframing of the purpose of anger as a pain sensor for our internal emotions in chapter 8. The authors give a good series of questions to ask ourselves when we recognize a feeling of rising anger.
One of the greatest struggles of new marriage is finding so many of our expectations going unfulfilled. Chapters 9-11 speak honestly about give and take and openness in making decisions about children, finances, holidays, etc. The advice is necessary, practical and encouraging.
While this book is geared towards engaged couples, it would greatly benefit married couples as well. I appreciated it as someone who has been married 14 years and have already have several discussions with my husband about areas that we have not "tended" as carefully as we should have. This book has a great sense of joy as it teaches about the hard, rewarding work of marriage. A perk is that if you love C. S. Lewis and G. K. Chesterton you will appreciate many of the references to these great authors.
Like the author, Jeremy Rios, my now husband Greg and I met with Jerry Root in his home in the fall of 2003 (we are the "one other couple" mentioned on page 200) for premarital counseling. It was delightful to read this book written by Jerry, his wife Claudia, and Jeremy because it brought back wonderful memories of our sessions together as well as memories of Greg and I's early years of marriage when we were trying to figure out life together. A lot of the information in the book is the same or similar to what we covered in Jerry's home, but there have been tweaks and additions.
First, I will write about what principles I learned as an not-yet-married that have truly benefited our now 14-year marriage. The most helpful principle was what Jerry shared in the session on expectations for sex, which is chapter 13 of this book. He said that a woman is like a house (in the book they say computer screens) with all her windows open. These windows are distractions that take away her ability to focus on herself and her husband in a way that gets her ready for sex. I need to close my windows and my husband can help close my windows (take over responsibilities with kids, listen to my worries about things, remind me not to read or watch certain things before sex) so that I can be fully present when the time comes. We actually reference my "windows" from time to time and I appreciate that Greg understands how my mind works and is not frustrated by it.
Another principle that Greg and I appreciated at the time and reference still in our relating to one another is the sharpening or sanctifying nature of the marriage relationship. This is mainly covered in chapter 1 of the book. The authors say it best "The attitude of the unredeemed human heart is one of self-governance, self-determination, and self-preservation. I make all choices for me and for my own ends. But marriages cannot survive when partners live this ethic, and nothing quite like marriage will expose that selfishness in all its ugliness. Marriage, in fact, is very like a mirror in which my spouse reflects back at me all that is ugly about myself—my greed, my pettiness, my foolishness, my anger, my unforgiveness. Marriage in this respect is a school of selfishness." pg 8. Not necessarily what two people in the throes of newly engaged love want to hear, but truth nonetheless. A husband and wife are iron sharpening iron.
Lastly, something recommend on page 57 that Greg and I took with us and have implemented for the past 14 years was regularly praying and reading the Bible together. I can distinctly remember sitting in the hotel bed on our honeymoon and Greg picking up the Bible and saying, "where should we start?" And we started in Romans and it took us seven (!) years to read the Bible all the way through together, 10-15 verses a night, every night with few exceptions. Then we started all over again! We also use this time before sleeping to share prayer requests and pray for each other. I love this discipline!
As for the information that impacted me in a fresh way, I most appreciated the discussion about the role of the will in communication in chapter 6. While men might tend to be rational and women might tend to be emotional, the authors do a great job of showing how relying on either rationality or emotion can lead us astray and of the crucial role of our will in communication and relating to one another. I also liked the reframing of the purpose of anger as a pain sensor for our internal emotions in chapter 8. The authors give a good series of questions to ask ourselves when we recognize a feeling of rising anger.
One of the greatest struggles of new marriage is finding so many of our expectations going unfulfilled. Chapters 9-11 speak honestly about give and take and openness in making decisions about children, finances, holidays, etc. The advice is necessary, practical and encouraging.
While this book is geared towards engaged couples, it would greatly benefit married couples as well. I appreciated it as someone who has been married 14 years and have already have several discussions with my husband about areas that we have not "tended" as carefully as we should have. This book has a great sense of joy as it teaches about the hard, rewarding work of marriage. A perk is that if you love C. S. Lewis and G. K. Chesterton you will appreciate many of the references to these great authors.
July 21, 2018
Naked and Unashamed is the best book on marriage I have ever read. It is a rich resource for every engaged and newly married couple For me, the book is a wonderful refresher course for my own marriage of almost 52 years. From either perspective, the book is full of sound advice and solutions, combining Biblical wisdom with practical advice from leading counsellors and pastors, including the authors who share openly from their own marriages.
Marriage is like a beautiful garden that needs tending to daily in order to flourish, as Browning wrote, “Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be.” All marriages will face hardships and trials, which are discussed in this book. It is possible and very worthwhile to overcome problems through true commitment, patient accommodation, self-sacrifice and forgiveness. Other important hurdles can be successfully overcome through communication and understanding.
The authors also share great advice on sexual intimacy for married couples.
The book is full of more wisdom than can be included in this review. Do yourself and your marriage a big favor and get you own copy. Share a copy with your pastor, and give it as a wedding present to your friends.
Marriage is like a beautiful garden that needs tending to daily in order to flourish, as Browning wrote, “Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be.” All marriages will face hardships and trials, which are discussed in this book. It is possible and very worthwhile to overcome problems through true commitment, patient accommodation, self-sacrifice and forgiveness. Other important hurdles can be successfully overcome through communication and understanding.
The authors also share great advice on sexual intimacy for married couples.
The book is full of more wisdom than can be included in this review. Do yourself and your marriage a big favor and get you own copy. Share a copy with your pastor, and give it as a wedding present to your friends.
September 26, 2018
This book should absolutely be required reading for any engaged couple! I learned so much from this book and I learned so much more about my spouse through reading it!!
It took me so much longer to get through this book than I anticipated because I stopped to highlight, take notes and add post-it notes to pages so many times. It was so full of amazing information I studied it rather than read it! How I LOVE books like that!!
One of my favorite lines in the book, and one that really spoke to me about sharing things that may even seem, at the time, to be unimportant (only to find out later it DOES matter) is:
"If there are things in your life you cannot reveal to the person you are going to marry, not only are you implicitly saying that it's okay to have secrets in this relationship but to that same degree, you are implying that you do not trust your partner."
Wow!! I had to come to terms with the fact that I had held back from sharing some things...not because they were bad...but because I was embarrassed about them.
This book has helped me to go back and experience my relationship in a new way!! And it has been so much fun!! It has been like a rediscovery!!
If you are engaged (or one day want to be!!) get this book!! It will help you experience marriage in a way, and with a closeness, that many people miss.
The exercises in this book are so helpful!! The Johari Window exercise really helps you discover yourself in a deeper way!!
I plan on going back and reading this book again and making sure all my kids read this book before marriage!!
It took me so much longer to get through this book than I anticipated because I stopped to highlight, take notes and add post-it notes to pages so many times. It was so full of amazing information I studied it rather than read it! How I LOVE books like that!!
One of my favorite lines in the book, and one that really spoke to me about sharing things that may even seem, at the time, to be unimportant (only to find out later it DOES matter) is:
"If there are things in your life you cannot reveal to the person you are going to marry, not only are you implicitly saying that it's okay to have secrets in this relationship but to that same degree, you are implying that you do not trust your partner."
Wow!! I had to come to terms with the fact that I had held back from sharing some things...not because they were bad...but because I was embarrassed about them.
This book has helped me to go back and experience my relationship in a new way!! And it has been so much fun!! It has been like a rediscovery!!
If you are engaged (or one day want to be!!) get this book!! It will help you experience marriage in a way, and with a closeness, that many people miss.
The exercises in this book are so helpful!! The Johari Window exercise really helps you discover yourself in a deeper way!!
I plan on going back and reading this book again and making sure all my kids read this book before marriage!!
Displaying 1 - 6 of 6 reviews