Changes That Heal: Four Practical Steps to a Happier, Healthier You

by Henry Cloud

Many of us struggle with anxiety, loneliness, and feelings of inadequacy. We know that God created us in his image, but how can we be loving when we feel burned out? How can we be free when we struggle with addiction? Will we ever enjoy the complete healing God promises?

Changes That Heal by renowned psychologist Dr. Henry Cloud offers a down-to-earth plan to help us recover from the wounds of the past and grow more and more into the image of God. Combining his professional expertise and personal experience, Dr. Cloud guides us through four basic ways to become joy-filled, mature followers of Christ:


Connect more deeply with others


Separate from others in healthy ways


Understand the good and the bad in ourselves and others


Grow into greater emotional and spiritual maturity


With fascinating case studies and helpful techniques we can start using immediately, Changes That Heal reminds us that God promises to complete his good work in us.

Genres: Christian, Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Relationships, Faith

336 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1973

About the author

Dr. Cloud has written or co-written twenty-five books, including the two million-seller Boundaries. His most recent books are Boundaries for Leaders and Necessary Endings. He has earned three Gold Medallion awards, and was awarded the distinguished Retailers Choice award for God Will Make A Way.

As president of Cloud-Townsend Resources, Dr. Cloud has produced and conducted hundreds of public seminars around the country. He speaks on relationships—marriage, parenting, dating, personal growth, and spirituality. His seminars are often broadcast live to over two thousand venues at a time.

Reviews

[Cindy Rollins · Rating 5 out of 5]

My sister bought this for me years ago and I refused to move it to the top of the towering pile of books by my bed, that is until my life got derailed.....

This has been a tough year for me. The Toughest. My ears and my heart were ready to hear what Dr. Cloud was saying. In many ways I have handed over my own adulthood to the people in my family whom I have so wanted to please. I have not pleased them and I have not been acting like an adult either.

I am trying to grow up and this book was very helpful to me on that journey.

A big thank-you to my sister who is also my friend.

[Erica · Rating 4 out of 5]

Dr. Cloud does a wonderful job viewing emotional and spiritual concerns through the lens of the character structure. I appreciate his ability to discuss specifically the lasting impact childhood development has on a person even into adulthood, while also providing manageable steps to help adults heal and grow into the best versions of themselves. Dr. Cloud writes in a way that makes these difficult topics understandable to all readers, regardless of their level of mental health education.

[Amanda Drury · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book with my small group at church and i will say that it was an eye opening book and workbook to do! i recommend for sure!

[Dani Veuger · Rating 5 out of 5]

I started this book a year and a half ago and finally got around to finishing it. I think this book is a valuable resource for emotional healing through a spiritual lens. I really appreciated the author’s stories and explanations of unhealthy patterns stemming from deeper emotional and spiritual issues. Any person could gain a deeper understanding of themselves from this book!

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Have read several books by this author and all have helped me at various times in various ways. While much of this book helped me feel validated in the work and growth I’ve put in and experienced over the years, I still uncovered some areas of growth opportunity.

Noteworthy quotes:

To some degree, we all do both: sometimes we yell, "Cut it down," and at other times we ignore it. But one thing is for sure: when we either ignore our failure to bear fruit in the image of God, or we judge its absence with an angry "Cut it down," we end up either in grace or truth, and we do not grow. P37

Our attitudes and beliefs are our responsibility, not someone else’s. Other people‘s attitudes and beliefs are their responsibility, not ours. P118 (amen)

If we feel responsible for other people's feelings, we can no longer make decisions based on what is right; we will make decisions based on how others feel about our choices.
Jesus said, "Woe to you when everyone speaks well of you" (Luke 6:26).
If we are always trying to keep everyone happy, then we cannot make the choices required to live correctly and freely.
If Jesus had tried to make everyone happy, we would all be lost.
If self-centered people are angry at you, it means you are learning to say no to evil.
If mean people are displeased with you, it means that you are standing up to abuse.
If pharisaical Christians judge you, it means that you are becoming like your Savior.
If your parents don't like the decisions that you as an adult feel God has led you to make, it means that you are growing up. P149 (amen & amen)

You may think that this approach is mean and insensitive. Please hear something loud and clear. We should always be sensitive to others' feelings about our choices. But we should never take responsibility for how they feel. P151

In some ways this is like dealing with a two-year-old. People who control others by their anger or sadness or depression are very immature. P153 (exactly)

If someone tries to manipulate me, and I know that manipulation is evil, then I will not feel guilty for saying no. P 170 (preach)

We all must be long-suffering and forgiving in relationships, but, at some point, long-suffering enables evil behavior to continue, and limits must be set. P173

Not liking some trait or habit of a friend or spouse is one thing. But some things are very destructive, and to allow them to go on does not help the person or the love between us. Evil behavior must be limited. P174

Unbridled evil not only does not subside on its own, it grows. P175 (let that sink in…)

God has given us finite amounts of whatever we have to give, and we must be intentional about that giving. If we let others dictate what we will give, we are not answering to God. P186

[Kristine Singh · Rating 5 out of 5]

Interesting things about the book:
- Details how we can bond and separate from others through healthy boundaries
- Explains how to learn from the Good and Bad in your life
- Shares how to grow spiritually and emotionally as an Adult
- Helps explore the sense of self in today’s society

My opinion about this book:
I loved how the author shared stories about the people he helped. He talked about their challenges and how they healed through communication and their faith. He made good connections to psychology, the Bible, and real life experiences which made it easier to understand how we can heal on our own and with God by our side.

Favorite Quotes:
“No healing can occur without forgiveness, for forgiveness binds us to the person who originally injured us. To break that hurtful tie, we must forgive the one who hurt us.” (Pg. 312)

“If you are in a rebuilding time where God has set you aside to heal you and develop you, give him time to do this. Don’t think you have to go save the world too quickly” (Pg. 302)

[Isabella Abigail Ow · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was truly blessed by this book. The organisation of the chapters flow logically and seamlessly, and the categorisations of the various mental/emotional struggles we may have are clear and also purposely expounded on. These struggles are tied back to spiritual issues. I liked that the book was backed up with scriptural basis and perspectives. I feel that mental wellness is something that is so personal and important, and should be prioritised as part of our self-care. For those who have read "Boundaries", some chapters may overlap. In particular, I found that the chapters on "Bonding" and those related to adulthood truly spoke to me. Looking forward to reading more titles on this topic! :)

[Windy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommend this as a companion to the book 'Changes That Heal'. It took me around two years to complete this workbook and I did different chapters depending on what situations I was facing in my life but it was perfect for what I was looking for -- a way to unpack, dig deeper into, and apply the information from the 'Changes That Heal' book. If you're looking for true change in your life, put in the work to go through this workbook. You'll forever be grateful that you invested that gift into yourself.

[Brenda Klaassen · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is not a book I could read in big chunks, the book was packed with information I really needed to time to think about and then maybe apply to life. The book explained to me why some people act the way they do. I plan to donate this copy of the book to me local Public Library so that more people might benefit from Dr. Cloud's advice and guidance. The book was worth the time it took me to read it. I might seek out this author again in the future.

[Jaimie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was recommended this book after sharing with a small group about some of my personal struggles. The information was very similar to Henry Cloud’s “Boundaries” except it went more in depth about taking ownership of oneself and how to let go of whatever is hurting or holding oneself back.
I would read “Becoming an Adult” part again because it relates very closely with me taking responsibilities freely and independently.

[John David · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is perhaps the most inspiring book I have read. This book caused me to think quite deeply about many aspects of my life. But even more than that, this book — and the thinking it inspired — led to actual life change within me.

I don’t say this lightly, but this book has positively changed how I view myself, God, and others.

I cannot recommend this book enough!

(Recommended to me by Kate Grounds).

[Sarah Hurst · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every adult who struggles with mental health should read this book. The book is comprised of 4 main sections:

Bonding to others
Separating from others
Sorting out good and bad
Becoming and adult

Cloud draws some very insightful connections between the Bible and psychology and helps you apply them in real ways to your life.

Thank you, Henry Cloud, for sharing your insights.

[Alan Cox]

Not Cloud's most interesting work. Heavy on Scripture at the expense of holding attention and relatability at times. General concepts good but lacks the relatability and big insights revealed to me in Necessary Endings

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read in late 2019. I much needed the guidance in this book in dealing with some painful circumstances. Helped me see reality of the situation versus only the pain and perceived thoughts that were not truly reality.

[hemlet kiai · Rating 4 out of 5]

spiritually engaging.

[Rebecca · Rating 4 out of 5]

Oh so very Bible-y. But Dr. Cloud certainly knows his stuff, biblically and psychologically.

[Eddie Legg · Rating 4 out of 5]

Useful for identifying issues one is struggling with. Could have done with a bit more practical ideas for overcoming some of them.

[Robin Meade · Rating 5 out of 5]

You'll go through this several times but it's totally worth it.

[Martha Blair · Rating 2 out of 5]

Meh, kind of like “Boundaries” but with a few other principles sprinkled in.

[DL Rudd · Rating 5 out of 5]

Cloud has sound instruction on how to live a life fulfilled.
Begin with the thought process.
Make changes
become all you are to be!

[Mario · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a must read no matter what you are looking for. Amazing gift, thanks!

[Claire · Rating 4 out of 5]

Learnt lots! Boundaries boundaries! Looking forwards to doing the study guide at the back

[Amanda Ford · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really helpful, but really challenging

[Andrea · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best books I have ever read. I highly recommend the videos as well.

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Enlightening!

[Abigail Leick · Rating 3 out of 5]

Took a very long break and came back to it and don't really remember what I had thought about it before 🤷‍♀️

[Tiffany · Rating 5 out of 5]

Phenomenal read

[Stephanie Fife · Rating 5 out of 5]

Definitely a RE-READ book!

[Christina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book. Loved it!

[Elizabeth Coppess · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an amazingly insightful look at what makes us "tick". It aims to explain why people experience various emotional and relational hangups, like relationship hopping, depression and anxiety, addictions and the like. Dr. Cloud believes that when a traumatic experience occurs in a person's life, that individual is developmentally "stuck" at the age when this event occurred. This hangup causes problems later in life as the individual finds that they are making reoccurring mistakes in relationships and in the lack of life success. Dr. Cloud proposes that four areas of development need to be achieved in order to reach proper emotional developing: Learning to Bond, Learning to Separate (setting boundaries), Learning to Accept Good and Bad, and Becoming an Adult (i.e. taking responsibility for oneself).

This book changed my life. At age 28, I found myself emotionally behaving like a 13-year-old. I was experiencing endless angst over friendships, intense emotions toward men, and a dislike for authority. It was through the teaching of this book that I was able to recognize being "stuck" at age 13 and, in examining my past, came to realize that during those formative teenage years my mother was ill and unavailable to me. I turned my attention to my boyfriend and decided to take my "growing up" into my own hands, thereby growing up too quickly. Because my mother was sick, I did not have a proper female role model to teach me how to relate to men properly and to work out all my teenage kinks.

Dr. Cloud explains that even though we cannot always go back to those relationships and fix them, God will use the relationship with other Christians to fill these voids. After praying for God to do this for me, He led me to a small group of friends where I learned to develop healthy and platonic relationships with men where I felt accepted and valued. He also gave me a female mentor to fill the "mother" role. Because of these relationships, I have been able to continue the emotional maturing process. My depression and anxiety are gone. My performance at work has dramatically increased to the point that I received a significant raise. I am not teaching a support group of women which is going through this book.

I cannot recommend this book enough. Regardless of your background, there are things to be learned. We all have healing to do and this book may very well be the beginning for you, as it was for me.