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267 pages, Kindle Edition
First published May 1, 2018
Back at my place, I sat on the floor.
I looked around my shitty apartment and all of the shit all over and thought about how shitty it all was.
What is this shit?
Whose shit is this?
So much fucking shit.


The guy put his hands under the hand dryer.
When it activated, he pulled his hands back, surprised by the force.
He looked at me.
I nodded towards the brand name on the front of the hand dryer.
He looked.
I read it to him in a firm voice. ‘eXtremeAir, motherfucker!’
He nodded and said ‘eXtremeAir!’ and put his hands back underneath.
‘eXtremeAir!’ I yelled over the noise.
‘eXtremeAir!’he yelled.
We yelled it a few more times.
And it made everything so much better, even shit that hadn’t happened.
When I finally got up, I crossed the street behind traffic stopped at a light.
An approaching car waved me to cross between it and the car ahead of it.
I raised my hand.
Thanks.
Thanks for not pinning me against the other car and crushing my legs.
I appreciate it.

I met many new kinds of animals in the bayou.
In Chicago there were two kinds of animals: squirrels and rocks.
But in Florida there were all kinds.
There were armadillos, which were basically like small armored pigs that wobbled around at night, into and out of sewers.
I badly wanted to pick one up and hold it like a baby or throw it like a football, but I found out they carried leprosy.
So, uh, no thanks!
Then there were possums, which were basically bigger/greasier rats.
Imagine a rat that broke a vial of some futuristic steroid over its head.
Every time I saw one, they paused and glared at me in the moonlight, like, 'Take a good look, yoomin.'
There were alligators.
Bobcats.
Snakes.
Lizards everywhere.
Millions of bugs, including one named after not being able to see it, which, for that very reason, was the worst.
Spiders and frogs and birds.
All kinds of birds.
Gawky-ass, ornate birds just walking around.
Like this one that basically lived at the end of the driveway.
Every time I went outside, it'd be shuffling around where the driveway met the street.
Not really doing anything or going anywhere, just kind of pacing.
With a long white neck and a really long orange beak, walking around like a dumb-ass on its stilt legs.
Like what the fuck is this thing?
It was out tonight when my girl and I got on our bikes to go to the gas station.
'Yo, what's up, pea-head?' I said, as we pedaled past.
The bird took a few steps in the other direction, head sideways, eyeing us.
My girl laughed.
'I love that thing,' I said.
'That's a white ibis,' she said. 'My grammy knows them all.'
White ibis.
Why, hello, white ibis.
I really wanted the white ibis to like me and to be my friend.
And to its credit, it -- seemingly -- did not.
There was an older, all-white cat lying on the top of a four-foot scratching post.
‘Well, say hi to Bruce!’ said the volunteer.
Bruce looked at me.
I started petting him.
He rubbed his head on me.
Oh, does Bruce like that?
He closed his eyes.
Bruce likes that shit, eh?
The volunteer told me Bruce didn’t get along with other cats.
Yo, me neither, Bruce.
Then Bruce swiped at me and hissed, glaring.
I laughed.
Fucking Bruce!
You would!
The volunteer said, ‘Oh. He’s just seen so many people today. He’s probably overwhelmed.’
I looked into Bruce’s eyes.
Yeah.
Wait, yeah…
It made sense.
It made sense in a way that made sense of everything else.
Everything made sense right then.
I got it.
Overwhelmed.
Too much.
Just, too much everything from everyone.
Yeah, Bruce.
Fuck.
God fucking damnit.
All these people.
Everyone all over.
Too much.
Overwhelmed.
Sometimes you have to swipe back.
You have to, Bruce.
But also, fuck you, you’re staying here.
Come on, man.
Get it together.
Get a fucking job.
I searched local listings.
There was an ad for someone to dress up in a bagel suit and walk around outside.
Holy shit.
It was a job…I’d…had.
I’d dressed up in a bagel suit for a place I worked when I was sixteen.
I…had experience?
I turned my head sideways like a dog hearing a familiar but still distant sound.
I had experience.
Who else could say that about this job?
No matter what someone’s qualifications were, mine were better.
Shit, they could walk into my interview [me not even turning to address them but remaining seated with a smug look on my face, hands clasped over the knee of my folded legs] and be like, ’Stop, don’t hire him, I’m a fucking triple-quadruple PhD and I’m a cancer survivor and I’m Jesus.’
And I’d just say, ‘Yeah, well, have you ever actually done this, junior? Have you been deep in the shit like I have, just a slit to look out of, no peripheral vision, you’re sweating, each motherfucking cloth sesame seed weighing what seems like tons…goddamnit man, have you EVER DONE IT?’
still though…
Fuck that.
I closed the ad.
There was no way I’d do that shit in Florida.
That rig would kill ya in Florida.
Tell ya.
Felt like I was going to die just for wearing socks sometimes.
Shit.
No way.
Can’t/won’t die in a bagel suit.
Simply put: no, I would not die that way.
You have to make decisions and rules about your life and one of mine was: don’t die in a bagel suit.
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