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Queer Sex: A Trans and Non-Binary Guide to Intimacy, Pleasure and Relationships
In this frank, funny and poignant book, transgender activist Juno Roche discusses sex, desire and dating with leading figures from the trans and non-binary community. Calling out prejudices and inspiring readers to explore their own concepts of intimacy and sexuality, the first-hand accounts celebrate the wonder and potential of trans bodies and push at the boundaries of how society views gender, sexuality and relationships. Empowering and necessary, this collection shows all trans people deserve to feel brave, beautiful and sexy.
168 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2018
79 people are currently reading
2342 people want to read
About the author
Juno Roche
6 books99 followersJuno Roche is a writer and campaigner whose work around gender, sexuality and trans lives has been funded by the likes of The Paul Hamlyn Foundation and described as 'provocative, cutting edge and innovative'. They studied Fine Art and Philosophy at Brighton and English Literature at Sussex, and writes for a wide range of publications including Bitch Magazine, Dazed, Vice, Broadly, Cosmopolitan, The i, i-D, The Independent, The Tate Magazine and Refinery29. They were born in Peckham and now live in the mountains of Andalusia.
Juno's first book, Queer Sex, was published in 2018.
Their second book, Trans Power, was published inOctober 2019.
Gender Explorers, their third book, will be published in June 2020
Queer Sex is simply phenomenal. (Bitch Media)
Queer Sex is an audacious and inspiring challenge to a system that shames trans bodies and desires. Roche's words are a gift to anyone looking to open their minds and fall in love with the possibilities of love. (CN Lester, academic, musician and author of Trans Like Me)
Juno's first book, Queer Sex, was published in 2018.
Their second book, Trans Power, was published inOctober 2019.
Gender Explorers, their third book, will be published in June 2020
Queer Sex is simply phenomenal. (Bitch Media)
Queer Sex is an audacious and inspiring challenge to a system that shames trans bodies and desires. Roche's words are a gift to anyone looking to open their minds and fall in love with the possibilities of love. (CN Lester, academic, musician and author of Trans Like Me)
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 111 reviews
June 16, 2018
Fwiw - I am a non-binary queer person (gray asexual / pansexual / polyamorous). I feel like I am part of the direct target audience of this book, and I loved it.
This is not a guide in the sense of it being an inaccessible scientific guide that would remember to give dry tips to some of the community and forget that say, asexuals existed, or polyamorous people existed, or the unconventional existed.
This is a guide in the sense of getting 'the talk' that every queer teen (or adult) should be able to get from a mix of people from different walks of life, with different generational experiences, different perceptions. From confident to locked in. From traumatised to healthy. Across the transgender spectrum, gently prodding at what it means to be transgender generationally, the different issues affecting different people, and how those issues may impact - or grow - our sexuality - or lack thereof.
I have to say, as someone who is gray asexual, seeing Margo (I believe) self-refer as being possibly gray asexual was really meaningful to me. That's a term that's been around for years now, and while I felt the author wasn't directly familiar, having her place the term in (she transcribes the interviews faithfully, which I enjoyed) gave me an extra buzz of resonance.
There were moments where I thought 'oh we don't use those terms anymore' or moments where I cringed a little, in the sense that, there are things about my lived experience I take for granted and forget that they are entirely alien to others, even within the LGBTQIA+ community. I actually enjoyed those moments, they felt very real, and I think they highlight that there are some significant generational differences now between how people express themselves, and that it's important to not throw out the invaluable experiences of those older than us, just because they are not say, hip to Tumblr linguistics (and why should they be).
For the most part though, what this book gave me was firstly the sense that I'm not alone. Not alone in not knowing how to identify personally with parts of my body, or being unsure of what questions to ask, or holding onto romanticised notions that didn't fit one day. That I'm not alone in finding my personal experience of gender confusing, and embracing that anyway, and enjoying it for what it is. I wish I had heard so many of these stories earlier, the happy blissful ones, the confused ones, the challenging ones.
I truly feel this book is a guide, in the sense that a loving family member or friend sitting you down to explain how life might *actually* work out for you if you're trans/NB regarding sex, is guiding you. Except not only do you get the benefit of the poetic insight of the author, but you also get the insight of many other (often very significant) people in the trans/NB community. Some in relationships, some not.
Read it in a single night, and will be something I recommend to others.
This is not a guide in the sense of it being an inaccessible scientific guide that would remember to give dry tips to some of the community and forget that say, asexuals existed, or polyamorous people existed, or the unconventional existed.
This is a guide in the sense of getting 'the talk' that every queer teen (or adult) should be able to get from a mix of people from different walks of life, with different generational experiences, different perceptions. From confident to locked in. From traumatised to healthy. Across the transgender spectrum, gently prodding at what it means to be transgender generationally, the different issues affecting different people, and how those issues may impact - or grow - our sexuality - or lack thereof.
I have to say, as someone who is gray asexual, seeing Margo (I believe) self-refer as being possibly gray asexual was really meaningful to me. That's a term that's been around for years now, and while I felt the author wasn't directly familiar, having her place the term in (she transcribes the interviews faithfully, which I enjoyed) gave me an extra buzz of resonance.
There were moments where I thought 'oh we don't use those terms anymore' or moments where I cringed a little, in the sense that, there are things about my lived experience I take for granted and forget that they are entirely alien to others, even within the LGBTQIA+ community. I actually enjoyed those moments, they felt very real, and I think they highlight that there are some significant generational differences now between how people express themselves, and that it's important to not throw out the invaluable experiences of those older than us, just because they are not say, hip to Tumblr linguistics (and why should they be).
For the most part though, what this book gave me was firstly the sense that I'm not alone. Not alone in not knowing how to identify personally with parts of my body, or being unsure of what questions to ask, or holding onto romanticised notions that didn't fit one day. That I'm not alone in finding my personal experience of gender confusing, and embracing that anyway, and enjoying it for what it is. I wish I had heard so many of these stories earlier, the happy blissful ones, the confused ones, the challenging ones.
I truly feel this book is a guide, in the sense that a loving family member or friend sitting you down to explain how life might *actually* work out for you if you're trans/NB regarding sex, is guiding you. Except not only do you get the benefit of the poetic insight of the author, but you also get the insight of many other (often very significant) people in the trans/NB community. Some in relationships, some not.
Read it in a single night, and will be something I recommend to others.
January 24, 2022
To see more reviews check out MI Book Reviews.
I got an ARC of this book.
My first issue with this book is the title. Saying this is a guide is a lie. There is no guide in here. If I were going through a mountain, I would expect a guide to get me across the mountain. If this book were a guide it would have given me anything that would be helpful for sexuality. Instead I got a lot of details of the author’s vagina and how she now masturbates. I also got a lot of details about how all the interviews were really about her the whole time. This is not a guide, this a masturbatory piece that rivals the terrible sex documentaries made in the 90s and early 2000s, where the male narrator and director was like “well these people are freaks” or “I have a small penis so I am going to make a movie about it to make myself feel better”.
Instead of being a guide, this book is a series of badly typed out interviews. It was often difficult to tell who was speaking as not every section was labeled. There would be pages between labels of who was talking and the author never labeled herself. So there was a guessing game. Then between each interview there was the author describing her reactions, her dating life, and her dilation scheduled. None of which is helpful for a guide. The bad formatting alone was enough to make this book a chore to read.
What really got me in the end was how this was a “guide” for trans and non-binary people., yet most of the people interviewed were either trans women, non-binary, or completely overshadowed by everyone else interviewed. The very few sections about trans male sexuality were so few and far between I almost forgot they existed. The focus ALWAYS came back to the author’s vagina, which if this were framed as “exploring sexuality as it relates to my vagina” then I would be all over it, it would be something I could enjoy and would be fascinated by. Add in that every person interviewed was also older and transitioned later in life, it also makes this book harder defend. If the book were framed as older people being interviewed, I would have been ecstatic. Instead I felt like the author intentionally sought out people to help her issues instead of getting a real feel for queer sex as a whole.
I can appreciate the author and her work towards coming into her own, but the way the book is framed and titled makes this piece a flop. This is not a book about queer sex. It is a book about an older queer person learning about her sexuality. This is not a guide, but a quest. Add in there was little to no talk of relationships as the author steered everyone back to sex almost immediately if they deviated. I can just keep going on about how the title of this book is so supremely misleading. The description is also far from what the book read as. There was no challenge for my sexuality, there was no learning, there was nothing for me to gain from this book unless you count learning a great deal about a person’s vagina that I will never really consented to learn about.
I got an ARC of this book.
My first issue with this book is the title. Saying this is a guide is a lie. There is no guide in here. If I were going through a mountain, I would expect a guide to get me across the mountain. If this book were a guide it would have given me anything that would be helpful for sexuality. Instead I got a lot of details of the author’s vagina and how she now masturbates. I also got a lot of details about how all the interviews were really about her the whole time. This is not a guide, this a masturbatory piece that rivals the terrible sex documentaries made in the 90s and early 2000s, where the male narrator and director was like “well these people are freaks” or “I have a small penis so I am going to make a movie about it to make myself feel better”.
Instead of being a guide, this book is a series of badly typed out interviews. It was often difficult to tell who was speaking as not every section was labeled. There would be pages between labels of who was talking and the author never labeled herself. So there was a guessing game. Then between each interview there was the author describing her reactions, her dating life, and her dilation scheduled. None of which is helpful for a guide. The bad formatting alone was enough to make this book a chore to read.
What really got me in the end was how this was a “guide” for trans and non-binary people., yet most of the people interviewed were either trans women, non-binary, or completely overshadowed by everyone else interviewed. The very few sections about trans male sexuality were so few and far between I almost forgot they existed. The focus ALWAYS came back to the author’s vagina, which if this were framed as “exploring sexuality as it relates to my vagina” then I would be all over it, it would be something I could enjoy and would be fascinated by. Add in that every person interviewed was also older and transitioned later in life, it also makes this book harder defend. If the book were framed as older people being interviewed, I would have been ecstatic. Instead I felt like the author intentionally sought out people to help her issues instead of getting a real feel for queer sex as a whole.
I can appreciate the author and her work towards coming into her own, but the way the book is framed and titled makes this piece a flop. This is not a book about queer sex. It is a book about an older queer person learning about her sexuality. This is not a guide, but a quest. Add in there was little to no talk of relationships as the author steered everyone back to sex almost immediately if they deviated. I can just keep going on about how the title of this book is so supremely misleading. The description is also far from what the book read as. There was no challenge for my sexuality, there was no learning, there was nothing for me to gain from this book unless you count learning a great deal about a person’s vagina that I will never really consented to learn about.
Read
July 16, 2024I was provided an ARC via NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
I can’t really rate this book. I don’t feel like I’d be legitimate to.
I will, however, tell you what I felt while reading it.
I thought the content of the book was pretty powerful and could be very useful to trans and non-binary people.
But I wouldn’t call it a guide. It felt pretty personal to the author and it was more about their journey than anything else. It was still very interesting but really didn’t read like a guide.
Finally, the writing style wasn’t for me. I found their sentences to be too long and just overall, I had trouble staying focused.
I don’t know what to add so I’ll stop now.
I can’t really rate this book. I don’t feel like I’d be legitimate to.
I will, however, tell you what I felt while reading it.
I thought the content of the book was pretty powerful and could be very useful to trans and non-binary people.
But I wouldn’t call it a guide. It felt pretty personal to the author and it was more about their journey than anything else. It was still very interesting but really didn’t read like a guide.
Finally, the writing style wasn’t for me. I found their sentences to be too long and just overall, I had trouble staying focused.
I don’t know what to add so I’ll stop now.
September 28, 2022
3.5
was this a “guide”? no
was this a set of in-depth, honest, heartfelt interviews that discussed what queer relationships can look like and how so often queer people fall into the monogamous, heteronormative, amatonormative mould? yes
was this a “guide”? no
was this a set of in-depth, honest, heartfelt interviews that discussed what queer relationships can look like and how so often queer people fall into the monogamous, heteronormative, amatonormative mould? yes
March 13, 2018
While I struggled with some aspects of the interviews (particularly the talk - and assumptions - of drug abuse), and found the narration a little jarring (I had to reread some paragraphs multiple times to get the sense what was being said), Queer Sex was still an interesting read. A Trans and Non-Binary Guide to Intimacy, Pleasure and Relationships flips the gender conversation on its head and makes it about something we are increasingly told should not matter - sex, surgery, and genitals.
Juno Roche uses her own experience as a trans woman to frame the book, talking about her struggles with her neo-vagina, and her troubles with sex and intimacy. Along the way she interviews a wide range of transgender, non-binary, and gender nonconforming people, talking to them about their experiences pre, post, and non transition. Their experiences range from painful stories of bullying and abuse (sometimes self-abuse) to joyful stories of love and affection. There are relationships based on group sex, Tantric masturbation, kissing, and self-intimacy. In some cases penetration is the goal, and in others it is something to be avoided at all costs.
Even knowing as much as I do about the trans community and trans issues, the amount of detail surrounding gender reassignment surgery was still astounding. I knew about the mechanics of things like dilating, but the logistics of depth and width, of construction and placement, and of appearance were fascinating. It is so easy to think of surgery as a be-all and end-all, but we learn that it is just another stage, another step, another tool in the process of self-love.
Most importantly, Queer Sex reinforces the understanding that masculine/feminine, male/female, and straight/gay do not necessarily correspond to one another. Love and intimacy can be found in any combination, and what works for you does not have to work for anyone else.
http://bibrary.blogspot.ca/2018/03/qu...
Juno Roche uses her own experience as a trans woman to frame the book, talking about her struggles with her neo-vagina, and her troubles with sex and intimacy. Along the way she interviews a wide range of transgender, non-binary, and gender nonconforming people, talking to them about their experiences pre, post, and non transition. Their experiences range from painful stories of bullying and abuse (sometimes self-abuse) to joyful stories of love and affection. There are relationships based on group sex, Tantric masturbation, kissing, and self-intimacy. In some cases penetration is the goal, and in others it is something to be avoided at all costs.
Even knowing as much as I do about the trans community and trans issues, the amount of detail surrounding gender reassignment surgery was still astounding. I knew about the mechanics of things like dilating, but the logistics of depth and width, of construction and placement, and of appearance were fascinating. It is so easy to think of surgery as a be-all and end-all, but we learn that it is just another stage, another step, another tool in the process of self-love.
Most importantly, Queer Sex reinforces the understanding that masculine/feminine, male/female, and straight/gay do not necessarily correspond to one another. Love and intimacy can be found in any combination, and what works for you does not have to work for anyone else.
http://bibrary.blogspot.ca/2018/03/qu...
March 19, 2019
I’m giving it a higher rating than I might otherwise because it is one of the few books that directly and clearly discusses trans and nonbinary sexuality and sex.
My main problem is too much interference from the author. Yes, I applaud her honesty. And, I wanted more of the voices of the others. This may be a part of my training as a sociologist — I emphasize making sure I’m presenting the voices of those kind enough to speak to me with as little interference from me as possible. If I were writing the book, I wouldn’t have included a discussion of my own reflections after each interview (though I would have written them), but instead looked for themes among all the interviews.
There are benefits to both approaches (& probably the best is between — more personality than I’d show, less solipsism than Roche engages in). Honestly - I started skipping the post-interview sections written by Roche so I could prioritize the voices and experiences of the interviewees.
The interviews are so important and there’s a range of diversity in terms of sexual experiences and some in terms of age. Not much diversity in terms of race or ability. Unsurprisingly but still disappointing, only the Black respondent touches on race. For folks who are really progressive around sexuality, it’s not clear that that extends to other marginalized groups.
This book could be helpful to others who identify as trans and/or nonbinary. It addresses the challenges of dating, navigating a new body (for those who chose hormones and/or surgery), finding community. One thing that really struck me in these interviews was that for many folks finding intimacy (whether that involves physical sexual contact or not) was an incredibly complicated and lengthy process.
Personally, it was super helpful to me on many levels. I’m glad I read it.
My main problem is too much interference from the author. Yes, I applaud her honesty. And, I wanted more of the voices of the others. This may be a part of my training as a sociologist — I emphasize making sure I’m presenting the voices of those kind enough to speak to me with as little interference from me as possible. If I were writing the book, I wouldn’t have included a discussion of my own reflections after each interview (though I would have written them), but instead looked for themes among all the interviews.
There are benefits to both approaches (& probably the best is between — more personality than I’d show, less solipsism than Roche engages in). Honestly - I started skipping the post-interview sections written by Roche so I could prioritize the voices and experiences of the interviewees.
The interviews are so important and there’s a range of diversity in terms of sexual experiences and some in terms of age. Not much diversity in terms of race or ability. Unsurprisingly but still disappointing, only the Black respondent touches on race. For folks who are really progressive around sexuality, it’s not clear that that extends to other marginalized groups.
This book could be helpful to others who identify as trans and/or nonbinary. It addresses the challenges of dating, navigating a new body (for those who chose hormones and/or surgery), finding community. One thing that really struck me in these interviews was that for many folks finding intimacy (whether that involves physical sexual contact or not) was an incredibly complicated and lengthy process.
Personally, it was super helpful to me on many levels. I’m glad I read it.
August 11, 2018
A very positive 3-star rating. I highly recommend this as a book to read and learn from.
Juno Roche has written a powerful book on a topic that clearly deserves far far more attention. The subtitle states that it is a guide, but the format is in fact a series of interviews with trans and non-binary people, especially couples and those in other relationships, about their experiences of sex and intimacy. These are interspersed by Roche's reflections on what she has learned from her interviewees, chronicling her journey to understanding her own desires and her own expectations of her life post-transition.
There is a general consensus that it is inappropriate and damaging to focus on the physical aspects of whether and how a trans person has chosen to have surgery, but should this be balanced by more education about trans bodies? Can making trans bodies a forbidden subject actually be detrimental to the acceptance, general welfare and in particular sexual fulfilment of trans people? That's not for me to answer. However, I was shocked by some revelations Roche had in this book, not because I thought I should have known about them, but because I thought someone should have told her sooner! Surely a more open dialogue (in appropriate forums and not for prurient interest) could be helpful to people like the author.
This was a brave and honest account of a trans women finding her way in the world in middle age: going through puberty when she might otherwise have been going through menopause. It can be sad when one considers opportunities missed, but positive when one considers the possibilities that still remain. I wish Juno well in her journey, and I look forward to future publications from her.
Juno Roche has written a powerful book on a topic that clearly deserves far far more attention. The subtitle states that it is a guide, but the format is in fact a series of interviews with trans and non-binary people, especially couples and those in other relationships, about their experiences of sex and intimacy. These are interspersed by Roche's reflections on what she has learned from her interviewees, chronicling her journey to understanding her own desires and her own expectations of her life post-transition.
There is a general consensus that it is inappropriate and damaging to focus on the physical aspects of whether and how a trans person has chosen to have surgery, but should this be balanced by more education about trans bodies? Can making trans bodies a forbidden subject actually be detrimental to the acceptance, general welfare and in particular sexual fulfilment of trans people? That's not for me to answer. However, I was shocked by some revelations Roche had in this book, not because I thought I should have known about them, but because I thought someone should have told her sooner! Surely a more open dialogue (in appropriate forums and not for prurient interest) could be helpful to people like the author.
This was a brave and honest account of a trans women finding her way in the world in middle age: going through puberty when she might otherwise have been going through menopause. It can be sad when one considers opportunities missed, but positive when one considers the possibilities that still remain. I wish Juno well in her journey, and I look forward to future publications from her.
July 13, 2024
i,,, can't say that i enjoyed this very much :( i don't know what it is; maybe it's just the place i'm at while i read this? i feel like maybe i would've related to this much better even a year or two ago. i think my problem with this book was the reflections the author had at the end of each interview. it just felt so pessimistic and (not gonna lie) a little self-loathing to me, so it was a big turn-off for me from the rest of the book. like someone else said in their review: "This is not a book about queer sex. It is a book about an older queer person learning about her sexuality. This is not a guide, but a quest." that being said, i do really appreciate how vulnerable and open they've been throughout this whole book and i love hearing queer and trans voices :')
June 27, 2021
Easy reading, moving text. It's a load of interviews, with some spiel in the run up to them, with various trans and nonbinary ppl, by a trans woman. Mostly in the UK, I think? Intimate, personal, and positive - empowering. A welcome change from the entirely negative/suffering narrative. Inspired to read by a good review on workersliberty.org
May 29, 2019
so amazing to see trans people openly talk about sex & unapologetically exist
October 15, 2024
Not quite a guide but full of lovely vulnerable conversations and an honest journey with the author. I hope she finds the love and intimacy she’s yearning for 🖤
April 14, 2018
Most sex education is aimed at straight cisgender people and can exclude those outside of this definition and leave them without the information they need. There is a growing number of resources for LGB+ people, but there is still very little for trans and/or non-binary people. Trans men and non-binary people are often made invisible. Meanwhile, trans women are sexualised as objects, but their own wants, needs and desires are ignored. This book fights back against this marginalisation and focuses on trans and/or non-binary people reclaiming discussion space and ownership of their own bodies.
I had expected it to be a guide or resource, along the lines of Mira Bellwether's zine, but it is a very different format. In the introduction, the author discusses her own life, insecurities and relationship with her body. The rest of the chapters feature interviews with trans and/or non-binary people from a wide range of ages and backgrounds, along with the author's personal reflections on these conversations.
The book is unflinchingly honest and personal as the author and her interviewees set out to break taboos and the silence around trans people's bodies and sexuality. They discuss the medicalisation of trans bodies and the way fitting into a binary narrative- including the way surgery is seen as a necessary end point- has been pushed on people whether they want it or not. They talk about a growing trend for trans people to build supportive communities with other trans or queer people, rather than relying on outside approval and validation from mainstream society. They discuss things which are still seen as taboo to discuss, even among trans communities, such as the way transitioning (socially and medically) are presented as a magic cure to every problem in a person's life- such as loneliness, which is a common issue but especially affects trans and/or non-binary people- and the confusion and disappointment when this turns out not to be the case.
I would recommend this to any trans and/or non-binary person, or someone questioning their gender. It doesn't have all the answers, but it raises a lot of questions, shows a variety of different viewpoints and promotes honest communication over living in silence. I would also recommend it to people in the LGB+ community looking to become more aware of trans issues and be more incusive.
[Free ARC from Netgalley]
I had expected it to be a guide or resource, along the lines of Mira Bellwether's zine, but it is a very different format. In the introduction, the author discusses her own life, insecurities and relationship with her body. The rest of the chapters feature interviews with trans and/or non-binary people from a wide range of ages and backgrounds, along with the author's personal reflections on these conversations.
The book is unflinchingly honest and personal as the author and her interviewees set out to break taboos and the silence around trans people's bodies and sexuality. They discuss the medicalisation of trans bodies and the way fitting into a binary narrative- including the way surgery is seen as a necessary end point- has been pushed on people whether they want it or not. They talk about a growing trend for trans people to build supportive communities with other trans or queer people, rather than relying on outside approval and validation from mainstream society. They discuss things which are still seen as taboo to discuss, even among trans communities, such as the way transitioning (socially and medically) are presented as a magic cure to every problem in a person's life- such as loneliness, which is a common issue but especially affects trans and/or non-binary people- and the confusion and disappointment when this turns out not to be the case.
I would recommend this to any trans and/or non-binary person, or someone questioning their gender. It doesn't have all the answers, but it raises a lot of questions, shows a variety of different viewpoints and promotes honest communication over living in silence. I would also recommend it to people in the LGB+ community looking to become more aware of trans issues and be more incusive.
[Free ARC from Netgalley]
March 3, 2024
A very interesting read that made me feel seen and less alone.
This book is by no means perfect, the writing / sentence structure is at times hard to understand, the interviews could have been led better and despite the title, it is most certainly not a guide, but the journey of the author trying to reconnect with her sexual side after not having engaged in any form of intimacy in many years.
And that’s exactly why I loved it so much. The author and I could in some ways not be more different - she is trans femme, I’m trans masc. She‘s middle aged and I’m in my early twenties. She has had sexual experiences before, but hasn’t experienced intimacy since medically transitioning, meanwhile I have 0 romantic or sexual experience at all but don’t necessarily feel like that is tied to my being trans.
But in other ways, we are extremely similar - afraid of love, afraid of sex, afraid of intimacy. Clumsy with flirting and lost on how to navigate the dating scene. Lonely and longing for romance and yet we are both paralyzed in fear when any notion of that is presented to us.
I saw a few people here who didn’t like the authors personal reflections and commentary, but to me, those were the best part. I was glad to be let in on her journey and also discover things about myself through it. Many of the things she wrote resonated a lot with me and made me feel so understood in something I had felt so alone with for a long time.
To name just a few of my favorite quotes:
„How I felt then, being and feeling clumsy, is how I feel now around sex and intimacy. I feel like I am so overloaded with the facts of my life that I feel I will scare someone away and overload them with my own fears of being rejected.“
„…I learnt that being brave was often just saying, ‘Yes I’ll give it a go.‘“
„Their relationship should stand as a great testament of hope that all of us - however we describe, identity or feel - are worthy of intimacy, of affection, of comfortable domesticity and of love.“
„Frankly, I want to be perfect but I’m not, so I hide from the world in a tangled mass of contradictions and hang ups (…).“
She is so open, honest and vulnerable in her writing that I found it easy to connect and empathize with her. This book gave me some new courage and hope for my own love life and made me feel like I am fine and lovable the way I am.
This book is by no means perfect, the writing / sentence structure is at times hard to understand, the interviews could have been led better and despite the title, it is most certainly not a guide, but the journey of the author trying to reconnect with her sexual side after not having engaged in any form of intimacy in many years.
And that’s exactly why I loved it so much. The author and I could in some ways not be more different - she is trans femme, I’m trans masc. She‘s middle aged and I’m in my early twenties. She has had sexual experiences before, but hasn’t experienced intimacy since medically transitioning, meanwhile I have 0 romantic or sexual experience at all but don’t necessarily feel like that is tied to my being trans.
But in other ways, we are extremely similar - afraid of love, afraid of sex, afraid of intimacy. Clumsy with flirting and lost on how to navigate the dating scene. Lonely and longing for romance and yet we are both paralyzed in fear when any notion of that is presented to us.
I saw a few people here who didn’t like the authors personal reflections and commentary, but to me, those were the best part. I was glad to be let in on her journey and also discover things about myself through it. Many of the things she wrote resonated a lot with me and made me feel so understood in something I had felt so alone with for a long time.
To name just a few of my favorite quotes:
„How I felt then, being and feeling clumsy, is how I feel now around sex and intimacy. I feel like I am so overloaded with the facts of my life that I feel I will scare someone away and overload them with my own fears of being rejected.“
„…I learnt that being brave was often just saying, ‘Yes I’ll give it a go.‘“
„Their relationship should stand as a great testament of hope that all of us - however we describe, identity or feel - are worthy of intimacy, of affection, of comfortable domesticity and of love.“
„Frankly, I want to be perfect but I’m not, so I hide from the world in a tangled mass of contradictions and hang ups (…).“
She is so open, honest and vulnerable in her writing that I found it easy to connect and empathize with her. This book gave me some new courage and hope for my own love life and made me feel like I am fine and lovable the way I am.
July 16, 2024
Disappointing.
1. Title is completely misleading. This is not a guide, it's a self-explorative work with interviews interwoven into it. Badly, at that (formatting was just clunky).
2. Author cut off her interviewees? So many times. It was incredibly frustrating, because they would be interrupted while talking about something super interesting, just so that the author could steer the conversation back to the Queer/Trans aspects They Themselves were interested in. It can hardly claim to be a book about Queer sex and all the multitudes of experiences that it encompasses when the voices chosen are constantly (imo) overridden.
3. It seems odd for a book claiming to be a guide to queer sex to not go into depth on things like the deconstruction of gender binaries. It did so on a conversational level, but not much more than that.
4. Grammatical errors. In need of better editing.
It feels harsh to be so critical of something that was clearly a vulnerable, reflective piece of writing, but there it is.
Perhaps this book is better read after reading some Other Books on queerness, as a sort of complimentary work.
It may be helpful/relatable for those who specifically are:
- dealing with transitioning or identifying as trans later in life (30+) (this is a big theme).
- feel hampered down by gender binaries.
- feel disillusionment and panic in the aftermath of gender-affirming surgery
1. Title is completely misleading. This is not a guide, it's a self-explorative work with interviews interwoven into it. Badly, at that (formatting was just clunky).
2. Author cut off her interviewees? So many times. It was incredibly frustrating, because they would be interrupted while talking about something super interesting, just so that the author could steer the conversation back to the Queer/Trans aspects They Themselves were interested in. It can hardly claim to be a book about Queer sex and all the multitudes of experiences that it encompasses when the voices chosen are constantly (imo) overridden.
3. It seems odd for a book claiming to be a guide to queer sex to not go into depth on things like the deconstruction of gender binaries. It did so on a conversational level, but not much more than that.
4. Grammatical errors. In need of better editing.
It feels harsh to be so critical of something that was clearly a vulnerable, reflective piece of writing, but there it is.
Perhaps this book is better read after reading some Other Books on queerness, as a sort of complimentary work.
It may be helpful/relatable for those who specifically are:
- dealing with transitioning or identifying as trans later in life (30+) (this is a big theme).
- feel hampered down by gender binaries.
- feel disillusionment and panic in the aftermath of gender-affirming surgery
February 7, 2022
My concentration and area of interest in grad school is support for LGBTQ+ communities. The more I have read, the better I have begun to understand sexual orientation and gender identity. I bought this book to research a project I am working on for my internship about queer-inclusive sex ed for college students. So while the book was purchased as background material, I was deeply moved by the emotion and the humanity of the interviews and the author's processing of them.
This is a really vulnerable look at sex and sexuality and trans/NB bodies. I have never considered many of these thoughts before and I think it's a relevant way to look at all bodies-- are the parts we have really important? Is gender really even a thing? Why do we put so much emphasis on the gender binary? Can we learn more about ourselves by exploring true intimacy within our own selves before we share intimacy with others?
This is a really vulnerable look at sex and sexuality and trans/NB bodies. I have never considered many of these thoughts before and I think it's a relevant way to look at all bodies-- are the parts we have really important? Is gender really even a thing? Why do we put so much emphasis on the gender binary? Can we learn more about ourselves by exploring true intimacy within our own selves before we share intimacy with others?
February 25, 2025
A very beautiful and important read, reflecting on vulnerability, intimacy, desire, and self love. A lot of the reviews for this book seem really unfair (and a little sad tbh) Full-stop, if you want book about anatomy and how to make people horny, you should first realize that there is no universal guide for getting people wet, go outside, touch grass, and maybe challenge yourself to be vulnerable with somebody. Oh! And love yourself, good lord! Sex education is real and important, and this book is truly a gem, but you should realize that this is more on the poetic side of the spectrum of the field of sex ed. I think Roche really brings to light the humanity of intimacy and sex, and I think that if this book makes you upset or had, that you should probably re-read it, and actually pay attention to all the interviewees speaking about the importance of making their sexual/romantic partners feel heard and safe.
February 13, 2025
disappointing! admittedly I am not the audience for this (middle aged, trans) but it’s disingenuous to call this a “guide” when in reality it is—in the authors own words—a “cry for help.” the interviewees seemed interesting but the interviews were so poorly structured and navel-gazing that it’s hard to learn or gain anything from them. essentially just 180 pages of the author feeling sorry for herself!
Read
March 25, 2025this one just didnt hit for me, but maybe this book wasnt for me. it was interesting to learn about some of their stories, but i guess the format of this book kind of bugged me, and the interviews didnt even feel like interviews most of the time. Also, i do feel like the subtitle of this book is slightly misleading - i only knew that about the book and ofc this is anything but a guide.
April 10, 2023
not really a guide, more so a self-serving book that includes a series of interviews with trans and non-binary people! still very powerful tho
June 18, 2024
Pretty good but I expected more personal account and it was more interview style
April 24, 2018
An emotional journey into what it means to have sex as a trans or non-binary person, framed by the author's own personal struggles with sex and intimacy. Not the book I was expecting, but one I was glad I read.
February 6, 2022
not massive on long interview books but really appreciated the perspectives in this
May 24, 2022
one of the best books on sex, transness, gender, the self, I have read in a long time. Genuinely an interrogation into the self and identity as well as being straight up fun! Highly recommend!!!
Read
July 31, 2025like all of the reviews say, this isn’t really a guide and didn’t exactly serve the purpose i wanted it to. that being said i’m happy for the author that she had these experiences and felt so liberated after them. none of them really resonated with me/my view of trans sex, but that’s okay!
February 20, 2022
A much needed book exploring sex, intimacy and pleasure amongst trans & non-binary people.
Sadly, as there arent many books on these topics, I was looking to gain much more from this book. Hoping for more discussions of transmasculinity. I definitely feel the book was focused, possibly accidentally so due to the identity and experience of the writer, on trans & non-binary folk who were not born into the role of 'woman'.
I would have appreciated more discussions on the confusing areas surrounding consent as a transmasculine person.
Nonetheless, this was a good read and has given me much food for thought regarding my own queerness and relationship to my body.
Sadly, as there arent many books on these topics, I was looking to gain much more from this book. Hoping for more discussions of transmasculinity. I definitely feel the book was focused, possibly accidentally so due to the identity and experience of the writer, on trans & non-binary folk who were not born into the role of 'woman'.
I would have appreciated more discussions on the confusing areas surrounding consent as a transmasculine person.
Nonetheless, this was a good read and has given me much food for thought regarding my own queerness and relationship to my body.
April 22, 2018
Disclaimer: I received a free copy of this book from Netgalley in exchange for an honest review. My complete review can be read on my blog.
Juno Roche wrote Queer Sex as a way of working through her own issues around sex after having had bottom surgery in the UK. She was struggling with dating and what sex and relationships “should” be for her, so she turned to journaling and interviewing others. Those journal entries and interviews are then compiled into an awkward volume. Roche hoped that her book would serve to help others also struggling with the same issues. This is an incredibly important goal, and one that obviously needs far more exploration. However, there is often not enough basic education for cisgender readers like me who came to the book with very little knowledge about the process of transitioning or the intricacies of surgery.
Amid all the missing information and poorly integrated personal emotion is some very important and very fascinating content that should have been the focus of the book. During the transcribed interviews in the book, Roche and her interviewees explore what it means to be trans and/or non-binary. These people are trying to understand their own bodies, both pre- and post-op, their sex drives, their attractions, and their orgasms. They discuss generational differences between transwomen and what’s expected of transwomen, how trans people define themselves, and how others define them. The book explores whether genital surgery is normative and whether or not being trans is still defined by a binary system (which most agree it is). They ask questions such as “Do you have to have female genitals to be a transwoman?” These issues are the heart of the book, but because they are only discussed in the transcribed interviews, they are not fully explored.
Overall, Queer Sex reads like the combination of a journal and series of interviews that hasn’t been well-integrated or well-edited into a unified work. The text is repetitious in places and very self-indulgent in others. Roche’s vulnerability and exploring her experience is wonderful, but her writing needed to be edited for coherence. Queer Sex really feels like it was only half-done and rushed to press rather than taking the time to make it into the stellar book it could have been.
©2018 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., GreenHeartGuidance.com
Juno Roche wrote Queer Sex as a way of working through her own issues around sex after having had bottom surgery in the UK. She was struggling with dating and what sex and relationships “should” be for her, so she turned to journaling and interviewing others. Those journal entries and interviews are then compiled into an awkward volume. Roche hoped that her book would serve to help others also struggling with the same issues. This is an incredibly important goal, and one that obviously needs far more exploration. However, there is often not enough basic education for cisgender readers like me who came to the book with very little knowledge about the process of transitioning or the intricacies of surgery.
Amid all the missing information and poorly integrated personal emotion is some very important and very fascinating content that should have been the focus of the book. During the transcribed interviews in the book, Roche and her interviewees explore what it means to be trans and/or non-binary. These people are trying to understand their own bodies, both pre- and post-op, their sex drives, their attractions, and their orgasms. They discuss generational differences between transwomen and what’s expected of transwomen, how trans people define themselves, and how others define them. The book explores whether genital surgery is normative and whether or not being trans is still defined by a binary system (which most agree it is). They ask questions such as “Do you have to have female genitals to be a transwoman?” These issues are the heart of the book, but because they are only discussed in the transcribed interviews, they are not fully explored.
Overall, Queer Sex reads like the combination of a journal and series of interviews that hasn’t been well-integrated or well-edited into a unified work. The text is repetitious in places and very self-indulgent in others. Roche’s vulnerability and exploring her experience is wonderful, but her writing needed to be edited for coherence. Queer Sex really feels like it was only half-done and rushed to press rather than taking the time to make it into the stellar book it could have been.
©2018 Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., GreenHeartGuidance.com
April 10, 2023
This is perhaps an unfair review as I thought I was getting a series of interviews with trans people about “intimacy, pleasure and relationships”, per the cover. Instead it’s mostly a book about the author’s feelings regarding her vagina, and, as she puts it, her quest to get laid. A book I wouldn’t have bought.
There are some short interviews, apparently verbatim, and extremely frustrating to me as the author as interviewer shuts off potentially interesting topics and conversations to bring the focus back to genitals. Also there was supposed to be a diversity of interviewees, but perhaps due to interview technique everyone sounded pretty similar and they all seemed to have similar lifestyles and work. I get that genitals and surgery is an important, especially because slightly taboo, topic for trans people, but it gets pretty repetitive to have the same authorial insecurities rehashed and wedged in when the interviewers seemed open to discussing them in a wider context.
I want to admire Roche’s ability to be vulnerable and open about her hangups and I actually was interested in her exploration of how much of her personal insecurities, focussed as they were on her genitals, came from her history of avoiding intimacy due to not accepting her earlier body. Roche in this book views everything through the lens of obviously extremely significant trans identity, and I think loses some context. She never considers for example that cis women who share her history of sex work often describe similar problems with intimacy or finding their own pleasure, and seemed constantly amazed that other trans women had different feelings to her. I genuinely felt sorry for her and hope she finds what she’s looking for.
There are some short interviews, apparently verbatim, and extremely frustrating to me as the author as interviewer shuts off potentially interesting topics and conversations to bring the focus back to genitals. Also there was supposed to be a diversity of interviewees, but perhaps due to interview technique everyone sounded pretty similar and they all seemed to have similar lifestyles and work. I get that genitals and surgery is an important, especially because slightly taboo, topic for trans people, but it gets pretty repetitive to have the same authorial insecurities rehashed and wedged in when the interviewers seemed open to discussing them in a wider context.
I want to admire Roche’s ability to be vulnerable and open about her hangups and I actually was interested in her exploration of how much of her personal insecurities, focussed as they were on her genitals, came from her history of avoiding intimacy due to not accepting her earlier body. Roche in this book views everything through the lens of obviously extremely significant trans identity, and I think loses some context. She never considers for example that cis women who share her history of sex work often describe similar problems with intimacy or finding their own pleasure, and seemed constantly amazed that other trans women had different feelings to her. I genuinely felt sorry for her and hope she finds what she’s looking for.
March 30, 2021
The book didn’t give me what I expected, even after discovering that it was a series of interviews and not any sort of guide. I hoped that the interviews would still be about queer sex but instead they mostly talked about finding relationships and acted as a catalyst in Juno’s realisation that she could look within the queer community for partners... Hardly groundbreaking.
Also, I was consistently frustrated by Juno’s unrelenting need to bring everything back to her own hang-ups about her vagina (which would be fine, if the book was called “my vagina”), or about dating sites. As if finding people in bars is easier when you’re trans than using apps? It’s very obvious reading this that the issue is who you’re looking for and not where you’re looking but somehow even at the end, Juno is still blaming dating apps for not finding a partner and not recognising that the issue will persist when looking at the same pool of people in the real world.
The breaking point though is the total lack of editing. There are many obvious grammatical errors, many sentences that make zero sense and that I still don’t understand, and even an instance where a page starts in the middle of a sentence that was never started. Honestly reads like it wasn’t even given a once over by the author.
Also, I was consistently frustrated by Juno’s unrelenting need to bring everything back to her own hang-ups about her vagina (which would be fine, if the book was called “my vagina”), or about dating sites. As if finding people in bars is easier when you’re trans than using apps? It’s very obvious reading this that the issue is who you’re looking for and not where you’re looking but somehow even at the end, Juno is still blaming dating apps for not finding a partner and not recognising that the issue will persist when looking at the same pool of people in the real world.
The breaking point though is the total lack of editing. There are many obvious grammatical errors, many sentences that make zero sense and that I still don’t understand, and even an instance where a page starts in the middle of a sentence that was never started. Honestly reads like it wasn’t even given a once over by the author.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
June 25, 2022
I had to stop reading at 48%, this is less of a guide and more so a woman's search to find her sexuality post transition, however this book is almost totally focused on the author so I didn't take away much from it.
October 27, 2018
So real and so relatable. Thank you thank you and thank you some more.
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