What do you think?
Rate this book
Intimate Deception: Healing the Wounds of Sexual Betrayal
Nothing destroys trust like sexual betrayal. Beyond broken vows, a woman who discovers that the man she loves has been viewing pornography or having an affair must deal with devastating blows to her self-image and self-worth. She must grapple with the fact that the man she thought she knew has lied and deceived her. She may even bear the brunt of shame and judgment when the people around her find out.Drawing from her experience both as a marriage and family therapist and a woman who personally experienced the devastation of sexual betrayal, Dr. Sheri Keffer walks women impacted by betrayal through the pain and toward recovery. She explains how the trauma of betrayal affects our minds, bodies, spirits, and sexuality. She offers practical tools for dealing with emotional triggers and helps women understand the realities of sexual addiction. And she shows women how to practice self-care, develop healthy boundaries, protect themselves from abuse or manipulation, and find freedom from the burden of shame and guilt.
337 pages, Kindle Edition
Published March 20, 2018
486 people are currently reading
568 people want to read
About the author
Sheri Keffer
1 book13 followersDr. Sheri Keffer is the cohost of the nationally syndicated Christian talk show New Life Live, with an audience of more than two million people each week on 150 stations nationwide. For nearly 20 years, she's been in private practice as a marriage and family therapist in Newport Beach, California, and is a Certified Clinical Partner Specialist (CCPS) and Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT). She is a passionate keynote speaker for women who've experienced betrayal, and she holds a doctorate in marriage and family therapy and a master's degree in theology, both from Fuller Theological Seminary.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 38 reviews
June 3, 2018
I cannot recommend this book highly enough. I would give it ten stars if possible! As a women's and family advocate, I’ve walked with many people through the discovery of intimate deception and the agony of betrayal. Finally there’s a book that can help hurting spouses face and heal from the physical, emotional, and spiritual trauma of intimate deception. I am so thankful for Dr. Sheri’s candor, wisdom, and practical advice. She writes not only as an accomplished clinician with the training, experience and research to back her claims, but also with the knowledge of someone who’s been there and come through stronger on the other side. This book combines helpful graphics, powerful anecdotes, spiritual guidance, and “tell it like it really is” authenticity. Whether you’ve been wounded or walk alongside those that have, this book should immediately catapult to the top of your “must read” list. Thank you, Dr. Sheri Keffer!
July 24, 2019
Wow! Any woman who has been sexually deceived by a man, by ANY kind of sex addiction. This is a must read book, the pages are filled with so much knowledge of men that are addicted to cyber sex and porn. I’m uncovering most of these men have a history of sexual abuse and distorted vision of ALL females. They are covert under the radar living dual lives and BLAMING their partners for what is really their own betrayal. Sick.
I’m looking forward to the last few chapters on how the betrayed woman is rising up WITHOUT the deceptive man in her life.
I’m looking forward to the last few chapters on how the betrayed woman is rising up WITHOUT the deceptive man in her life.
March 15, 2024
I read this for work and found it to be very insightful. It’s written for the woman who has experienced sexual betrayal and not for the caregivers/support system, but still some great resources and will be a book I recommend to others navigating this challenge, and some tools I’ll utilize in the work I do.
April 8, 2023
Great book! 5+
February 14, 2020
This is a very helpful book in more ways than I could list.
It is helpful for the victims of sexual betrayal, illustrating that they are not alone and that healing is possible.
For the offending party, it spells out in black and white the damage their actions have wrought. It can be a resource in recovery.
Counselors will find this book extremely helpful as they assist victims in their recovery. The complexity of emotions is like an iceberg: we see only the tip. This book exposes what lies below the surface, what rips gaping holes in relationships and marriages.
The Church has struggled with this issue for centuries. Too quick to blame the victims, clergy and congregations have done more harm than good to victims and couples. All clergy should read this book.
It is helpful for the victims of sexual betrayal, illustrating that they are not alone and that healing is possible.
For the offending party, it spells out in black and white the damage their actions have wrought. It can be a resource in recovery.
Counselors will find this book extremely helpful as they assist victims in their recovery. The complexity of emotions is like an iceberg: we see only the tip. This book exposes what lies below the surface, what rips gaping holes in relationships and marriages.
The Church has struggled with this issue for centuries. Too quick to blame the victims, clergy and congregations have done more harm than good to victims and couples. All clergy should read this book.
February 20, 2019
Great Book
Having been a recent victim of this betrayal, I found this book was very insightful. Would recommend to anyone who has ever been in this situation to read.
Having been a recent victim of this betrayal, I found this book was very insightful. Would recommend to anyone who has ever been in this situation to read.
December 30, 2019
This is definitely worthy of its place on my shelf - a book I’m sure I will reference over and over again.
June 24, 2021
OK, this author understands trauma seriously. Does she understand trauma learned things from this book coping techniques strategies, and I was terrified of reading it
I’m currently working on a project where I’m reading many Christian books focusing on teenage girls and women to see narrative arcs and talk about the issues.
When this book came up on a suggested list on a book review site, I was thinking, oh boy, here we go again, a book that will be purity culture personified blame women tell them that it is all their fault.
Moreover, deeply hurt them.
Shockingly this book was the opposite.
The only articles of purity culture here are a little bit of an anti-porn slightly homophobic language. Also, mention putting on “cross-dressing,” which is not a thing clothing does not have gender trans people or the gender they say they are.
She does sexualize massage parlors which are not a sexual profession, and we really should stop sexualizing them. Stop sexualizing nonsexual things. Thank you
And conflates child abuse images (aka cp) with porn
Which is nowhere near at all even kind of near the same thing
We are talking apples and desks, so it is nice if that was not constantly. It is not constant but not conflated.
And there is an anti-sex work anti-porn bent in here that I’m not thrilled with
Nevertheless, this author gets trauma fully, and ultimately she recognizes significance. So minor the Dr says you are being abused, get out of the relationship, have no idea how rare even that sentences in Christian media.
It's Terrifyingly lacking; she offers multiple resources to get out of the abuse.
It should not be revolutionary. Unfortunately, it is
She tells people that you feel like you might have hurt others. They need to see a counselor. A licensed counselor theories home for yourself; you need to go to the hospital. I cannot emphasize this enough. this does not happen in Christian media
She tells people to see a licensed counselor, not a Christian counselor, pastoral Council, but a licensed counselor.
Again something that should be well done but isn’t
Those things remarkably outweigh the bad she talks about big and little t trauma coping strategies. That I had not even heard of. I have been dealing with my PTSD for decades.
She recognizes things like bullying as trauma. Divorce as trauma. Nevertheless, unfortunately, these are not recognized enough by anybody, and they are insane traumatic.
The way she talks about trauma is some of the most nuanced, well-researched, evidentially-based. So even though I just disagree with some of the studies she used, but they were actual real studies.
Actual real studies are cited in this book. You have no idea how happy that makes me.
I’m so thankful that a blog did an article of an article. We are not the things that are recited but actual journal books; real things were cited.
That makes me so happy.
Again this author gets trauma and understands, bringing a perspective to the type of trauma that I do not think people realize is traumatic.
Regardless of my different views of porn and sex work being the polar opposite of the author, I recognize that if you have that expectation with your partner.
That they will not be involved in porn that they will not be involved in sexing and going to a strip club in anything along those lines
That is a betrayal of your trust.
Betrayal is a type of trauma I felt seen in this book. Even though it is nowhere near written for me late 20s single adult woman, he is just trying to figure out the world in the middle of a global pandemic.
It is not written for me, and yet I felt seen.
Furthermore, seriously, if it had not been so conflated things that are not sexual with sexual things conflated adult imagery with child-abuse imagery slightly homophobic and slightly trans public probably would have given this five stars.
I’m currently working on a project where I’m reading many Christian books focusing on teenage girls and women to see narrative arcs and talk about the issues.
When this book came up on a suggested list on a book review site, I was thinking, oh boy, here we go again, a book that will be purity culture personified blame women tell them that it is all their fault.
Moreover, deeply hurt them.
Shockingly this book was the opposite.
The only articles of purity culture here are a little bit of an anti-porn slightly homophobic language. Also, mention putting on “cross-dressing,” which is not a thing clothing does not have gender trans people or the gender they say they are.
She does sexualize massage parlors which are not a sexual profession, and we really should stop sexualizing them. Stop sexualizing nonsexual things. Thank you
And conflates child abuse images (aka cp) with porn
Which is nowhere near at all even kind of near the same thing
We are talking apples and desks, so it is nice if that was not constantly. It is not constant but not conflated.
And there is an anti-sex work anti-porn bent in here that I’m not thrilled with
Nevertheless, this author gets trauma fully, and ultimately she recognizes significance. So minor the Dr says you are being abused, get out of the relationship, have no idea how rare even that sentences in Christian media.
It's Terrifyingly lacking; she offers multiple resources to get out of the abuse.
It should not be revolutionary. Unfortunately, it is
She tells people that you feel like you might have hurt others. They need to see a counselor. A licensed counselor theories home for yourself; you need to go to the hospital. I cannot emphasize this enough. this does not happen in Christian media
She tells people to see a licensed counselor, not a Christian counselor, pastoral Council, but a licensed counselor.
Again something that should be well done but isn’t
Those things remarkably outweigh the bad she talks about big and little t trauma coping strategies. That I had not even heard of. I have been dealing with my PTSD for decades.
She recognizes things like bullying as trauma. Divorce as trauma. Nevertheless, unfortunately, these are not recognized enough by anybody, and they are insane traumatic.
The way she talks about trauma is some of the most nuanced, well-researched, evidentially-based. So even though I just disagree with some of the studies she used, but they were actual real studies.
Actual real studies are cited in this book. You have no idea how happy that makes me.
I’m so thankful that a blog did an article of an article. We are not the things that are recited but actual journal books; real things were cited.
That makes me so happy.
Again this author gets trauma and understands, bringing a perspective to the type of trauma that I do not think people realize is traumatic.
Regardless of my different views of porn and sex work being the polar opposite of the author, I recognize that if you have that expectation with your partner.
That they will not be involved in porn that they will not be involved in sexing and going to a strip club in anything along those lines
That is a betrayal of your trust.
Betrayal is a type of trauma I felt seen in this book. Even though it is nowhere near written for me late 20s single adult woman, he is just trying to figure out the world in the middle of a global pandemic.
It is not written for me, and yet I felt seen.
Furthermore, seriously, if it had not been so conflated things that are not sexual with sexual things conflated adult imagery with child-abuse imagery slightly homophobic and slightly trans public probably would have given this five stars.
March 27, 2023
This book deserves at least 8 stars out of 5; it's off-the-charts good!
If your husband has a sexual addiction of any type or has misbehaved in any sexual manner and you are feeling a lot of pain and/or anger, I highly, highly, highly recommend this book! Whether your husband has just viewed a lot of porn or has slept with every prostitute, male and female, in town, you will find hope and healing in this book.
This book is very firmly rooted in science, particularly neuroscience. There is serious PHYSICAL damage that happens to your brain when you discover that the husband that promised to be sexually faithful to you hasn't lived up to his end of the bargain.
This book will help you heal the physical, emotional, spiritual, and other damage caused to your whole person in the aftermath.
If you are male and have had an unfaithful wife, this book will also assist you. The book mostly is directed to women because the VAST majority of self-help books are purchased by women. Men tend to wander around aimlessly and never ask for directions or assistance and they don't usually purchase this type of book, but if you are one of those rare gems, this book can be used by you as well--though most, if not all, of the example stories are of women who were cheated on.
This book is written for a Christian audience. The vast majority of Christian content is in 2 chapters: chapter 13 Where is God now? and the last chapter 20. If you skip over these because they aren't relevant to you, you will still find that the other 200+ pages that are rooted in science are very, very helpful. For the Christians that care about this, she has just a tiny bit of the name it and claim it theology (Christianese version of manifestation) that creeps in. Those sentences can be tossed out and the rest of the book is very good.
The author is a pioneer in the study of betrayal trauma. She has a doctorate in marriage and family therapy. I highly, highly recommend this book for anyone who has been sexually betrayed.
If your husband has a sexual addiction of any type or has misbehaved in any sexual manner and you are feeling a lot of pain and/or anger, I highly, highly, highly recommend this book! Whether your husband has just viewed a lot of porn or has slept with every prostitute, male and female, in town, you will find hope and healing in this book.
This book is very firmly rooted in science, particularly neuroscience. There is serious PHYSICAL damage that happens to your brain when you discover that the husband that promised to be sexually faithful to you hasn't lived up to his end of the bargain.
This book will help you heal the physical, emotional, spiritual, and other damage caused to your whole person in the aftermath.
If you are male and have had an unfaithful wife, this book will also assist you. The book mostly is directed to women because the VAST majority of self-help books are purchased by women. Men tend to wander around aimlessly and never ask for directions or assistance and they don't usually purchase this type of book, but if you are one of those rare gems, this book can be used by you as well--though most, if not all, of the example stories are of women who were cheated on.
This book is written for a Christian audience. The vast majority of Christian content is in 2 chapters: chapter 13 Where is God now? and the last chapter 20. If you skip over these because they aren't relevant to you, you will still find that the other 200+ pages that are rooted in science are very, very helpful. For the Christians that care about this, she has just a tiny bit of the name it and claim it theology (Christianese version of manifestation) that creeps in. Those sentences can be tossed out and the rest of the book is very good.
The author is a pioneer in the study of betrayal trauma. She has a doctorate in marriage and family therapy. I highly, highly recommend this book for anyone who has been sexually betrayed.
January 4, 2025
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Five stars does not give this book the accolades it deserves. 6-Stars.
Every woman who has been sexually betrayed and deceived needs to read this book.
Every man who has betrayed needs to read this book
Every pastor needs to read this book.
Every counselor needs to read this book.
Every Christian needs to read this book.
I wish I read this book years ago; it has been eye-opening, daunting, comforting, and encouraging to read. Dr. Keffer provides a wrap-around resource for women who have experienced sexual betrayal with compassion, Scripture, and science.
We are not crazy, but "women of worth" who have been deceived.
I will caution women to read this book slowly and with trusted friends on speed dial. Pray before you read it. My husband and I had big (and good) conversations while I read this book as it resurfaced trauma I never actually admitted from his past choices.
I am excited to recommend this book to the women within the ministry I serve (I am not a licensed counselor).
Five stars does not give this book the accolades it deserves. 6-Stars.
Every woman who has been sexually betrayed and deceived needs to read this book.
Every man who has betrayed needs to read this book
Every pastor needs to read this book.
Every counselor needs to read this book.
Every Christian needs to read this book.
I wish I read this book years ago; it has been eye-opening, daunting, comforting, and encouraging to read. Dr. Keffer provides a wrap-around resource for women who have experienced sexual betrayal with compassion, Scripture, and science.
We are not crazy, but "women of worth" who have been deceived.
I will caution women to read this book slowly and with trusted friends on speed dial. Pray before you read it. My husband and I had big (and good) conversations while I read this book as it resurfaced trauma I never actually admitted from his past choices.
I am excited to recommend this book to the women within the ministry I serve (I am not a licensed counselor).
March 22, 2025
After being in a 20-year marriage to a sex addict, I can not recommend this book enough! The trauma that was caused by a guy who destroyed my trust right out the gate was real, but not talked about in church circles or many others. I felt alone. He was also a liar and gaslighter, so I was made to feel crazy and Sheri was the first to be able to confirm I was absolutely not crazy. Sheri covers sexual betrayal caused not just by physical affairs but by pornography, emotional affairs, and masturbation. She comforts her readers as they walk through the betrayal and get on the path to healing.
This book should be on the shelf of every counselor and women's ministry to help women heal from a very real epidemic in our country that is shattering lives and hearts. Thank you, Sheri, for diving into a hard but much needed topic!
This book should be on the shelf of every counselor and women's ministry to help women heal from a very real epidemic in our country that is shattering lives and hearts. Thank you, Sheri, for diving into a hard but much needed topic!
November 13, 2021
My life turned a corner when I read this book.
My son was addicted to pornography. I saw many similarities between what Dr. Keffer described in marriage situations and what I was experiencing with my son, especially in relation to betrayal trauma. Her thoughts and recommendations helped me in the process of restoring the relationship I had with my son.
High praises for this book. I have recommended it and will continue to recommend it.
My son was addicted to pornography. I saw many similarities between what Dr. Keffer described in marriage situations and what I was experiencing with my son, especially in relation to betrayal trauma. Her thoughts and recommendations helped me in the process of restoring the relationship I had with my son.
High praises for this book. I have recommended it and will continue to recommend it.
January 4, 2024
Written from a Christian perspective, this book is an amazing resource for those affected by betrayal trauma.
I don't consider this book a once off read - it is something you will want to come back to again and again as you work through your healing journey.
Betrayal trauma affects every aspect of our personhood and this is a phenomenal resource with many neverending benefits. It's a must read, as the author has personal experience with what we deal with.
I don't consider this book a once off read - it is something you will want to come back to again and again as you work through your healing journey.
Betrayal trauma affects every aspect of our personhood and this is a phenomenal resource with many neverending benefits. It's a must read, as the author has personal experience with what we deal with.
August 15, 2025
I found this to be a refreshing yet daunting look at the intricacies of sexual trauma/betrayal/deception. The author jumped all over the place and there’s seemingly little organization or cohesion in some chapters. Overall there are great tools and resources to apply here and unfortunately many, many gut-wrenching anecdotes that help to reject the notion that widespread consumption of pornography in society today should be celebrated and normalized.
February 23, 2021
So very helpful for not only gaining a clearer understanding of the individual deceived but an understanding of the deceivers and the many issues that impact them. I appreciated and benefited from this research and see the need to approach sexual betrayal as a mental health necessity if marriages are ever to get on track...
February 13, 2021
Just what the doctor ordered!
Amazing, easy, touching and encouraging book! A great book to encourage self care and validation for the betrayed partner and suggestions on how to help the deceiving partner
Amazing, easy, touching and encouraging book! A great book to encourage self care and validation for the betrayed partner and suggestions on how to help the deceiving partner
October 14, 2021
Lifesaving
Amazing read!!! It helped me alot both emotionally and mentally. I found new ways to find support and take care of myself. I highly recommend this book to anyone who has experienced betrayal trauma.
Amazing read!!! It helped me alot both emotionally and mentally. I found new ways to find support and take care of myself. I highly recommend this book to anyone who has experienced betrayal trauma.
July 22, 2019
Great book! It is a wonderful resource for those suffering from sexual betrayal. I would highly recommend this book!
March 6, 2020
Excellent resources
This book is not only a comprehensive resource for a spouse who has been sexually betrayed but also an encouraging and empowering read. I highly recommend it!
This book is not only a comprehensive resource for a spouse who has been sexually betrayed but also an encouraging and empowering read. I highly recommend it!
May 26, 2020
Such a good read
January 28, 2021
Good book. Great to get insight into how sexual betrayal impacts the spouse.
March 5, 2021
Likely the best resource I’ve come across to help understand the effects of this kind of trauma on the brain and how to calm and heal the brain. I also found the section on the different names/attributes of God immensely helpful. The information on the necessity of self-care and practical how-tos were so helpful!
April 10, 2023
Excellent book for anyone who has dealt with this or just wants to be able to help another woman through this. Excellent biblical helps and clear advice.
May 30, 2023
good betrayal book
Very thoughtful and caring book on helping women move forward when faced with the challenges of having been betrayed by their partner.
Very thoughtful and caring book on helping women move forward when faced with the challenges of having been betrayed by their partner.
July 30, 2023
The first half of the book was good and helpful, but the 180 talk or rephrasing was just a little stupid. People can’t just ‘will’ facts to change simply because they want things to be like that.
January 25, 2024
Very insightful of a victim of betrayal’s mind set. Explains emotions and neurophysiology behind why victims feel the way they do. Also, touch on how victims respond and move on. GREAT BOOK!!
January 31, 2024
Would read book next time since there are questionnaires/surveys. Can be long on audio.
June 12, 2024
Full of information, validation, & practicalities. Even though it included Scripture references, more explicit Jesus & gospel tie-ins would have made this 5 ⭐️
September 11, 2024
Good on audio. Informative and validating
January 28, 2025
Thoroughly researched, an excellent source.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 38 reviews