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257 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2002
History is a hotchpotch of anecdotes, neither true nor false, and what does it matter where it is supposed to have taken place?
The voices in her head started up then, as she had known they would, as they always did when she was uncertain or nervous, seizing their chance. It was as if a motley and curious crowd had fallen into step behind her, hard on her heels, and were discussing her and her plight among themselves in excited, fast, unintelligible whispers. She stopped for a moment and leaned against a shuttered shop window with a hand over her eyes, but with the world blacked out the din of voices only intensified. She took a deep breath and went on.
When she came out into the sun she felt fluttery and light, and the air seemed to have turned into another medium, a kind of bright, viscous fluid that both sustained and hindered her. It was always like this after an attack, the sense of everything around her being different, as though she had stepped through a looking-glass into the other, gleaming world that it contained.
The object of my true regard was not her, the so-called loved one, but myself, the one who loved, so-called. Is it not always thus? Is not love the mirror of burnished gold in which we contemplate our shining selves?



I desired to escape my own individuality, the hereness of my self, not the thereness of my world, the world of my lost, poor people…I can scarcely remember what it was like to be the one that I once was…I pause in uncertainty, losing my way in this welter of personal, impersonal, impersonating, pronouns.
The past, my own past, the past of all the others, is still there, a secret chamber inside me, like one of those sealed rooms, behind a false wall, where a whole family might live in hiding for years. In the silence, in solitude, I close my eyes and hear them in there, the mouse-scuffles of the little ones, the grown-ups' murmurings, their sighs.
"I shall strip away layer after layer of grime - the toffee-coloured varnish and caked soot left by a lifetime of dissembling - until I come to the very thing itself and know it for what it is. My soul. My self."
"It was not so much that I wanted to be him - although I did, I did want to be him - but that I wanted so much more not to be me. That is to say, I desired to escape my own individuality, the hereness of my self, not the thereness of my world, the world of my lost, poor people.
"I took, or borrowed, rather, nothing except his identity...
"Axel Vander's reputation in the world is of my making. It was I who clawed my way to this high place."
"That letter, of course, was the crossing point. Now I was cloven in two more thoroughly than ever, I who was always more than myself. On one side there was the I I had been before the letter arrived, and now there was this new I, a singular capital standing at a tilt to all the known things that had suddenly become unfamiliar."
"...what could there be here for me except confrontation, exposure, humiliation...
"[What did she know] about me and my shady, not to say shrouded, past?
"Only in death has she begun to live fully, for me."
"I must have shouted out something, her name, perhaps, for suddenly everyone in the crowded place was looking at me, as they do here, not in alarm or disapproval but simple curiosity."
"I knew that Cass Cleave was mad. Well, not mad, exactly, but not sane either."
"I shall speak only of what I know, of what I can vouch for."
"...every text conceals a shameful secret..."

"I have manufactured a voice, as once I manufactured a reputation, from material filched from others...
"I spent the best part of what I suppose I must call my career trying to drum into those who would listen among the general mob of resistant sentimentalists surrounding me the simple lesson that there is no self: no ego, no precious individual spark breathed into each one of us by a bearded patriarch in the sky, who does not exist either..."
"I had made myself adept at appearing deeply learned in a range of subjects by the skilful employment of certain key concepts gleaned from the work of others, but to which I was able to give a personal twist of mordancy or insight...
"I was fashioning a new methodology of thinking modelled on the crossings and conflicts of my own intricate and, in large part, fabricated past...
"I could not but admire my own performance. What a fabulist I was; what an artist!"
"His black half-mask completes the impression of something savage and fiendish, suggesting a cat, a satyr, and executioner..."
"Rip the mask from his face to find - another mask. Father father father."

"O tempo e a idade não me trouxeram a esperada sabedoria, mas confusão e uma incompreensão cada vez maior, traçando de ano para ano um novo círculo de ignorância. Que sei eu?"