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Boundaries in Marriage: Participant's Guide
You long for a marriage marked by lifelong love, intimacy, and growth. And it can be yours--if you set wise boundaries. Boundaries are the "property lines" that define and protect each of you as individuals. Get them in place and you can make a good marriage better and possibly even save a less-than-satisfying one. By the time you’ve completed this Groupware, you will know yourself and your mate better than ever before. You’ll also understand and practice the ten laws of boundaries in ways that can make a real difference in your relationship. Step by step, the Boundaries in Marriage Groupware helps you apply the biblical principles discussed in the book Boundaries in Marriage so you can-- * Set and maintain your personal boundaries and respect those of your spouse * Establish values that form a godly structure and architecture for you marriage * Protect your marriage from different kinds of "intruders" * Work with a spouse who understands and values boundaries--or work with one who doesn’t
144 pages, Paperback
First published August 1, 2002
30 people are currently reading
253 people want to read
About the author
Henry Cloud
210 books2,170 followersDr. Cloud has written or co-written twenty-five books, including the two million-seller Boundaries. His most recent books are Boundaries for Leaders and Necessary Endings. He has earned three Gold Medallion awards, and was awarded the distinguished Retailers Choice award for God Will Make A Way.
As president of Cloud-Townsend Resources, Dr. Cloud has produced and conducted hundreds of public seminars around the country. He speaks on relationships—marriage, parenting, dating, personal growth, and spirituality. His seminars are often broadcast live to over two thousand venues at a time.
As president of Cloud-Townsend Resources, Dr. Cloud has produced and conducted hundreds of public seminars around the country. He speaks on relationships—marriage, parenting, dating, personal growth, and spirituality. His seminars are often broadcast live to over two thousand venues at a time.
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Displaying 1 - 25 of 25 reviews
June 28, 2012
After 18 almost 19 years of marriage, my husband and I finally began to see how much time we had wasted being angry or upset with eachother, because we refused to understand certain boundaries. What seems so obvious now...was so hard to cope with, only once we could know and respect each other's needs, choices, and freedom could we give ourselves freely and lovingly to each other.
September 21, 2013
I listened to this book which, for me, is never as beneficial as actually reading the book. However, I thought it was very, very good and would be excellent if read (which I intend to do later).
I would recommend this highly for couples who are getting ready to be married as it will lay a firm foundation for the future. I would also recommend it for couples at any point in their marriage and any degree of health. It provides excellent insights for growth and improvement by understanding the role of both freedom and responsibility in a marriage.
I would recommend this highly for couples who are getting ready to be married as it will lay a firm foundation for the future. I would also recommend it for couples at any point in their marriage and any degree of health. It provides excellent insights for growth and improvement by understanding the role of both freedom and responsibility in a marriage.
March 10, 2021
I can give this book a three and a half star review out of five.
The information in it is really good and can help couples who, individually, are committed to improve themselves and own their part in a problem while respecting their partner as a separate individual. The topic of boundaries is very well explained. Valuable things like how to set boundaries, how to have non-defensive responses, giving consequences, etc. are given in great detail.
However, it is a book that I would not recommend to someone who's in an abusive relationship or with a partner who has a personality disorder. This book will keep people who are in a FOG of confusion, due to manipulation, get deeper into the FOG. It will make them work harder for the relationship, and take a lot of blame upon themselves making it very unbalanced and extremely unhealthy.
I was in an abusive marriage for 8 years. It’s been 9 years since I left that marriage. I’ve learned to set boundaries and have a high sense of self-respect. I’m not in an abusive relationship now so I can see from a healthier perspective and have a sense of discernment to point out what could be very dangerous from this book and what could be helpful. If I would have read this book while I was married to my ex-husband it would have probably kept me stuck deeper into the abuse. Even if the book has great tools, it’s not helpful for someone who’s dealing with a partner who has a personality disorder because of the reasons below:
I absolutely hate it when the subject of religious’ views is brought up into a relationship book. This has kept many people trapped in abusive marriages. For example the typical overused saying, "You should forgive as God forgives you" can lead someone who's being abused to forgive and overlook offenses that should actually receive serious consequences. Yes, the subjects of consequences, holding people accountable, setting boundaries and all that are mentioned in this book, but they are in the context of assumption that both people are somewhat “normal” people. But when God and biblical quotes are mixed in the subject it can really keep someone very trapped in more abuse.
Religious teachings can actually limit our understanding of behavioral problems, mental health issues, personality disorders, and it can interfere with developing a strong sense of self-respect. I don't care if the bible says a wife is to submit to her husband. If I was to submit to my ex-husband I would have been dead by now. He was a sociopath and such counsel, which was given to me before by religious leaders, led to more abuse. It's important that religious beliefs are left aside when giving advice in a book about boundaries. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in a higher power, in God, but I do believe that we have a higher self (which is probably part of God himself) and that’s the best guidance we can receive. We need to learn to honor that higher self instead of some traditional religious teaching which are more limited than our higher self. When relationships and religious teachings are mixed, we act out of fear and guilt instead of self-respect and self-acceptance.
Furthermore, stating that divorce is not Godly and should be the very last option is misleading. I get it that you don’t want to threaten divorce as a form of “boundary” or to use it to control your spouse. That is indeed not healthy, but the idea of divorce as a bad thing has to stop being influenced by religious teachings as if it’s not approved by God. This is something that, again, if someone in an abusive relationship reads, it will probably push them to being in very dangerous situation. I speak from a place of experience. Religious believes tend to oversimplify things, they tend to force people to look at everyone else as loving and caring children of God and because of this we lower our self-protection and end up caring more about the other than ourselves.
This book could have been excellent if it gave more warning regarding boundaries while dealing with people with personality disorders. It talks about this only in a small portion of one chapter towards the end of the book. There are more people with personality disorders than we are aware of and we need to be very careful about that.
I could only recommend this book to a couple who makes their religion the center of their lives, a couple who is composed of two healthy people, who neither partner has a personality disorder. Maybe a couple in which both partners are individually self-aware and want to grow and improve themselves. This book can be very dangerous to many so I can't recommend it to everyone. If this book is read by someone who's married to a narcissist it will create more problems than solutions. I would recommend instead Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward.
Now, if I’m to remove the religious perspective in this book and the lack of warning on personality disorders, I did get a lot of good out of this book. The book has a lot of great tools and wonderful information on respecting your boundaries. I like that they clarify the difference between completing and complementing each other in a relationship. My favorite parts from the book are the following:
“The crucial element of ‘two becoming one’ is that the two people must be complete in and of themselves--they must be adults--before they marry. This does not mean that the husband and wife possess all of the same talents and abilities, or even the same style. It does mean, however, that they possess all of adult functioning in key areas of personhood.”
"If your spouse is hurting or failing, you are not morally superior, but you are in the stronger position at that moment to be able to help.”
“Validate each other's feelings with empathy, understanding, care and non-defensiveness, because what your spouse is feeling is real and true for him or her.”
“Boundaries are not to be used to control your spouse. Boundaries are to protect, love, and respect yourself and your spouse.”
Lastly, I liked that they talked about good suffering and bad suffering. They use the terminology godly suffering and ungodly suffering, which I hate that terminology but the concept is good. Meaning that if you set boundaries with your spouse in a healthy way and they respond in a defensive way, you’ll suffer from their response because they might withdrawal or create fear in you. It’s better to suffer their response and hold on to your boundaries, than to suffer the consequences of not setting a boundary at all which can have greater ramifications.
The information in it is really good and can help couples who, individually, are committed to improve themselves and own their part in a problem while respecting their partner as a separate individual. The topic of boundaries is very well explained. Valuable things like how to set boundaries, how to have non-defensive responses, giving consequences, etc. are given in great detail.
However, it is a book that I would not recommend to someone who's in an abusive relationship or with a partner who has a personality disorder. This book will keep people who are in a FOG of confusion, due to manipulation, get deeper into the FOG. It will make them work harder for the relationship, and take a lot of blame upon themselves making it very unbalanced and extremely unhealthy.
I was in an abusive marriage for 8 years. It’s been 9 years since I left that marriage. I’ve learned to set boundaries and have a high sense of self-respect. I’m not in an abusive relationship now so I can see from a healthier perspective and have a sense of discernment to point out what could be very dangerous from this book and what could be helpful. If I would have read this book while I was married to my ex-husband it would have probably kept me stuck deeper into the abuse. Even if the book has great tools, it’s not helpful for someone who’s dealing with a partner who has a personality disorder because of the reasons below:
I absolutely hate it when the subject of religious’ views is brought up into a relationship book. This has kept many people trapped in abusive marriages. For example the typical overused saying, "You should forgive as God forgives you" can lead someone who's being abused to forgive and overlook offenses that should actually receive serious consequences. Yes, the subjects of consequences, holding people accountable, setting boundaries and all that are mentioned in this book, but they are in the context of assumption that both people are somewhat “normal” people. But when God and biblical quotes are mixed in the subject it can really keep someone very trapped in more abuse.
Religious teachings can actually limit our understanding of behavioral problems, mental health issues, personality disorders, and it can interfere with developing a strong sense of self-respect. I don't care if the bible says a wife is to submit to her husband. If I was to submit to my ex-husband I would have been dead by now. He was a sociopath and such counsel, which was given to me before by religious leaders, led to more abuse. It's important that religious beliefs are left aside when giving advice in a book about boundaries. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in a higher power, in God, but I do believe that we have a higher self (which is probably part of God himself) and that’s the best guidance we can receive. We need to learn to honor that higher self instead of some traditional religious teaching which are more limited than our higher self. When relationships and religious teachings are mixed, we act out of fear and guilt instead of self-respect and self-acceptance.
Furthermore, stating that divorce is not Godly and should be the very last option is misleading. I get it that you don’t want to threaten divorce as a form of “boundary” or to use it to control your spouse. That is indeed not healthy, but the idea of divorce as a bad thing has to stop being influenced by religious teachings as if it’s not approved by God. This is something that, again, if someone in an abusive relationship reads, it will probably push them to being in very dangerous situation. I speak from a place of experience. Religious believes tend to oversimplify things, they tend to force people to look at everyone else as loving and caring children of God and because of this we lower our self-protection and end up caring more about the other than ourselves.
This book could have been excellent if it gave more warning regarding boundaries while dealing with people with personality disorders. It talks about this only in a small portion of one chapter towards the end of the book. There are more people with personality disorders than we are aware of and we need to be very careful about that.
I could only recommend this book to a couple who makes their religion the center of their lives, a couple who is composed of two healthy people, who neither partner has a personality disorder. Maybe a couple in which both partners are individually self-aware and want to grow and improve themselves. This book can be very dangerous to many so I can't recommend it to everyone. If this book is read by someone who's married to a narcissist it will create more problems than solutions. I would recommend instead Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward.
Now, if I’m to remove the religious perspective in this book and the lack of warning on personality disorders, I did get a lot of good out of this book. The book has a lot of great tools and wonderful information on respecting your boundaries. I like that they clarify the difference between completing and complementing each other in a relationship. My favorite parts from the book are the following:
“The crucial element of ‘two becoming one’ is that the two people must be complete in and of themselves--they must be adults--before they marry. This does not mean that the husband and wife possess all of the same talents and abilities, or even the same style. It does mean, however, that they possess all of adult functioning in key areas of personhood.”
"If your spouse is hurting or failing, you are not morally superior, but you are in the stronger position at that moment to be able to help.”
“Validate each other's feelings with empathy, understanding, care and non-defensiveness, because what your spouse is feeling is real and true for him or her.”
“Boundaries are not to be used to control your spouse. Boundaries are to protect, love, and respect yourself and your spouse.”
Lastly, I liked that they talked about good suffering and bad suffering. They use the terminology godly suffering and ungodly suffering, which I hate that terminology but the concept is good. Meaning that if you set boundaries with your spouse in a healthy way and they respond in a defensive way, you’ll suffer from their response because they might withdrawal or create fear in you. It’s better to suffer their response and hold on to your boundaries, than to suffer the consequences of not setting a boundary at all which can have greater ramifications.
January 2, 2023
I enjoyed the book Boundaries more than this spin off. Although there were some good points, I just overall found it less relatable than Boundaries had been.
March 5, 2024
Avoid reading if you’re not wanting to face the mirror. Otherwise, I recommend regardless of the stage of life you are in.
December 28, 2022
Single, engaged, married, dating - literally everyone should read this book. Game changing.
April 17, 2013
This book is one of the best books for every kind of relationship in your life especially marriage.. But really is just a good foundation... It's helped me set good foundations for my whole family to use and respect.. I recommend this to everyone!
May 26, 2013
My husband and I took this class at our church a few years back. It revolutionized our marriage, opened up communication when we were struggling and brought us closer together. This book is great for any stage of marriage, highly recommend.
March 27, 2023
I should have read that this was a religious book, but clearly I did not see that. I wanted to put this book down so many times because of all the Bible quotes and relation to God/religion. I decided though to power through it and only take away from the things I thought were pertinent to a human and tried not to focus on all the bias and negative aspects of it.
Anyways, I learned a few things even though I’m not heterosexual and Christian/faith based:
* God is not pleased with those who are passive
* We are all lost without gods help
* Marriage is of men and women (not LGTBQIA+ friendly)
* Completing vs complimenting - a persons wholeness is a new range of experiences and strengths when married therefore we marry out of weakness. Marriage is to overcome weaknesses on the individual/self that the other can provide so the partnership is complimenting
* You are not me and so don’t assume you and your spouse think the same
* Relying on the past of a person leads you to failure
* When we don’t see people for who they really are, love breaks down
* Value each others differences and treats them with respect
* Ability to tolerate your spouses differences is an important aspect of boundaries
* You get what you tolerate
* Values in marriage: love of spouse, honesty, faithfulness, compassion and forgiveness
* A runner can never see the finish line in the middle of a marathon. Only the commitment to finish can keep the runner to finish the race
* Commitment = security
* Validate each others feelings, no one is right or wrong
* Try not to be defensive
* Whenever there is two people, you will always have conflicting desires But you bring differences to the table and that’s what brought you together as a couple
* Humans tend to like things black and white or right and wrong and that is really a preference and in a relationship it should be team work and accepting each others differences because together the differences great a better “we”
* Are you asking the other person for a character change or a boundary change?
Anyways, I learned a few things even though I’m not heterosexual and Christian/faith based:
* God is not pleased with those who are passive
* We are all lost without gods help
* Marriage is of men and women (not LGTBQIA+ friendly)
* Completing vs complimenting - a persons wholeness is a new range of experiences and strengths when married therefore we marry out of weakness. Marriage is to overcome weaknesses on the individual/self that the other can provide so the partnership is complimenting
* You are not me and so don’t assume you and your spouse think the same
* Relying on the past of a person leads you to failure
* When we don’t see people for who they really are, love breaks down
* Value each others differences and treats them with respect
* Ability to tolerate your spouses differences is an important aspect of boundaries
* You get what you tolerate
* Values in marriage: love of spouse, honesty, faithfulness, compassion and forgiveness
* A runner can never see the finish line in the middle of a marathon. Only the commitment to finish can keep the runner to finish the race
* Commitment = security
* Validate each others feelings, no one is right or wrong
* Try not to be defensive
* Whenever there is two people, you will always have conflicting desires But you bring differences to the table and that’s what brought you together as a couple
* Humans tend to like things black and white or right and wrong and that is really a preference and in a relationship it should be team work and accepting each others differences because together the differences great a better “we”
* Are you asking the other person for a character change or a boundary change?
January 17, 2021
I think this is an incredible book on marriage AND I was totally surprised that it comes from a very Christian basis. As a Christian, I found some of the references to the Gospel helpful. But I am disappointed that non-Christians might find that too high of a hurdle. However I would really recommend this book to everyone and if scripture references aren’t your thing, I’d say it’s worth putting in effort all the same. People talk about boundaries but rarely discuss what they are and how to put them into action. Everyone who is in relationship has something to learn here, imho.
March 16, 2022
I overall liked the concepts of the book. I need to be better at setting boundaries. It shed some light on things that can be done different as a newlywed. I liked the real life couple examples and made me feel more normal about the struggles we have. The one feedback I would have is adding such a religious aspect to the book. It seemed biased and towards the end of the book there are some advisements that we’re very cringeworthy. For example submitting to your husband. Seemed hypocritical. Taking that aspect out and updating to to more current times is definitely needed.
November 1, 2023
An awesome book I think every married couple should read. You should read this during your engagement period too. Very insightful.
What I learned/loved:
You cannot change someone. Learn to set boundaries on yourself. You need to know what you're willing to take.
This book is not for you to change your spouse.
When boundaries are not established the relationship is set up to fail.
I would definitely revisit this book.
What I learned/loved:
You cannot change someone. Learn to set boundaries on yourself. You need to know what you're willing to take.
This book is not for you to change your spouse.
When boundaries are not established the relationship is set up to fail.
I would definitely revisit this book.
August 11, 2023
This is a great book on boundaries in one’s marriage. The book is extremely preachy. When reading these sorts of books the best way to get though them is to look at them just as you would any historical text and see the why it has been successful for so long. Very sound advice given and definitely a book I would recommend.
December 27, 2020
I appreciate some of the advise and examples they provide. However, I didn't find most of the book to be useful at all. I really thought I was going to learn something useful and practical but did not find it here.
June 18, 2021
My husband and I read this book together after reading the original Boundaries book. We highly recommend this series. There is so much wisdom in here for dealing with your spouse (and all other people) in a healthy way. This should be a gift and required reading for every married couple.
May 20, 2023
Book was okay. Seemed similar to many other marriage books. The thing I enjoyed was the boundaries aspect talking about the importance of boundaries so I can love my spouse better. I would recommend you this book to engaged couples to read before marriage.
June 1, 2017
Great book. It gave me a deeper perspective into how I am in my relationships, and what I need to do differently going forward. We all have growing to do. Good read and a must read.
February 5, 2020
Every married couple or single person that will one day pursue marriage should read this book or at least listen to the audiobook.
February 25, 2020
Made me thankful for some things I have and learned some things too
March 12, 2020
Lots of practical advice with plenty of examples.
June 15, 2020
Really wanted to appreciate this and find it useful—-really didn’t. Even though I read the actual boundaries book as well. Just had trouble applying this.
January 4, 2024
I loved this book, favorite chapter was two to become one.
December 2, 2025
I feel like everyone should read this before they get married
April 12, 2013
Good book, but not really sure what I learned.
Read
July 12, 2017I read it a few times, didn't get anything out of it. still have no idea what to "do" or how to set boundaries...
Displaying 1 - 25 of 25 reviews