Outgrowing the Pain: A Book for and About Adults Abused As Children

by Eliana Gil

“Anyone who had a troubled childhood ought to read this book.”—Anne H. Cohn, D.P.H., Executive Director, National Committee for Prevention of Child Abuse

Do you have trouble finding friends, lovers, acquaintances?
Once you find them, do they dump on you, take advantage of you, or leave?
Are you in a relationship you know isn't good for you?
Are you still trying to figure out what you want to do when you grow up?
Are you drinking too much, eating too much or trying to numb your pain with drugs of any kind?

These are just a few of the problems abused children experience when they become adults.

You may not realize you were abused. You may think your parents didn't mean it, didn't know better, or that others had it much worse. You may not even have made the connection between the past and your current problems.

Outgrowing the Pain  is an important book for any adult who was abused or neglected in childhood. It's an important book for professionals who help others. It's a book of questions that can pinpoint and illuminate destructive patterns. The answers you discover can lead to a life filled with new insight, hope, and love.

“The best book available to help survivors cope and understand.”—Dan Sexton, Director, Childhelp's National Abuse Hotline

“An invaluable aid for adult survivors of child abuse.”—Suzanne M. Sgroi, M.D., Executive Director, New England Clinical Associates

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Abuse, Mental Health, Counselling, Relationships

96 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1983

Reviews

[Mary · Rating 2 out of 5]

2nd star for the final chapter "Say goodbye to the parents you never had"....some sentences were so spot on my breath caught.

However, this book is very brief and reads more like a pamphlet than a book. There is very little depth, analysis or new information. It is a simple, quick read with a rough outline of things you probably already know if you're reading this. A condensed, superficial and deeply edited narrative of what is a complex and sensitive issue.

[Jeremy Johnston · Rating 4 out of 5]

Eliana Gil was recommended to me by my clinical supervisor who’s deep in the Jungian sand-tray game. This lil book is not really for clinicians—it’s for individuals in some amount of denial about whether what they experienced growing up constitutes abuse. Great, brief tool for that audience.

[Jessica Stephenson · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5, but I gave it a 4 because I believe that this book serves a better purpose for select other groups of people, for obvious reasons. I came at this book from the perspective of someone who fell into abusive relationships outside of my family sphere, beginning with sexual abuse at the age of 8, to the reckless seeking of romantic relationships as a young teen, to a toxic relationship/ friendship that I've only released from my life recently, and finally, to the abusive marriage that swallowed my entire early adult life, leaving me lost in my 30s with a son who also suffered at the hands of this horrible man.

This book touches on the very basics of understanding abuse, and though I am at a different stage in my recovery than this book is targeting, I was still able to pull some very valuable insight from it to apply to my own understanding of my behavior. This is a great starting point for anyone who has experienced or witnessed any form of abuse in their lives and needs to seek perspective in order to get un-stuck.

[Kelly Buchholz · Rating 2 out of 5]

Short and very basic.

[Robin P. · Rating 2 out of 5]

Useful in it's simplicity-- especially if accompanied with therapy. A decent primer on feelings and behaviors of adults abused as children. Presented in a straightforward manner for those less attuned to their emotions, but still relevant for who are. This is mostly just an increasing-your-self-awareness book, rather than a how-to-heal book. But basics are important, too. (Saying all this as an abuse survivor, myself.)

However, the section on reasons people self-harm (page 56) was lacking and inaccurate.

Also, since this book addresses a wide, "general" audience, it lacks even bullet points or paragraphs mentioning the intersections between abuse and marginalizations such as gender, orientation, race, class, or disability.

[Christine · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sometimes books can be so detailed and overwhelming, but this one really gets to the essence of a lot of the issues, feelings and experiences you may have and has great practical advice for what you may want to do next and what lies ahead.

The chapter headings:
1. Is This Book for Me?
2. Coming to Terms with Abuse as a Child
3. Ok, I Believe It, Now What?
4. Aftereffects of Abuse
5. Patterns of Relating to the World
6. Taking Hold of Your Past
7. Say Goodbye to the Parents You Never Had

A nice perk is that it's really short (just 85 pages with large type), so it can be an easy place to start.

[Kim · Rating 2 out of 5]

The caption for this book says thorough. It is not. The information in this "book" is general in nature and provides little detail. If you were to make the print standard type and eliminate blank pages and cartoons, it would be a pamphlet. This is disappointing. There is a wealth of information on this topic and Ms. Gil is a highly reknown therapist with experience in this area. It wasn't put into the "book".
It is written in easy to understand language and could serve as a starting point.

[Fishface · Rating 2 out of 5]

VERY unsatisfying read that shares the stories of abused children who survived to adulthood, but doesn't give any sort of hope to the reader that the pain CAN be outgrown or overcome. It would be great for readers who are still in the stage of feeling totally isolated, but it would be far greater if it showed that reader the trail out of the woods.

[Karyna Kellar · Rating 5 out of 5]

Short, Simple, Yet Comprehensive

This book talks about many different forms of child abuse and its long reaching impacts in adulthood. There is also a section at the end which mentions ways to break free from old behaviors that might have made you feel safe as a child but are no longer beneficial to you as an adult. I think this is the section I appreciated most. There are plenty of books that do a deep dive into the tragedy and brokenness abuse can cause an individual without offering much practical or hopeful advice on how to overcome the damage. So it was refreshing to read something that offered a window of hope. The language of this book is very simple. A very easy read. You can easily finish it in one sitting. Yet there is a lot that can be learned. I've highlighted several sections in the book. There were only a couple sections I wasn't in total agreement with but overall a very good book. I would suggest it for someone who is just starting counseling to deal with childhood abuse.

[Dan Stern · Rating 5 out of 5]

I encountered this book relatively early in my healing journey and it was a profound gift. I'd been completely unaware of early sexual abuse, yet struggling in ways that suggested something untoward had happened to me. This book opened my eyes at the same time it offered solace. My recovery has taken years and continues still. Along the way I read many books, earned a graduate degree in psychology, qualified for a license as a psychotherapist and did lots more personal therapy. Yet I remember with great fondness this tiny book that helped me open a door I was terrified to step through. I have a shelf full of books on recovering from sexual abuse, but this one will always hold a special place for me. For those pondering the question whether they were abused, this is a good place to begin. And please be gentle with yourself along the wa

[Alexandra · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved how simply and clearly various communication exercises were laid out in a way that is easy to put into practice. Definitely a book to read on an ongoing basis to get the most benefit. The various chapters have very little overlap in subject matter which makes it easy to find the section you need most for various issues. Though I found that a lot of the tips could apply in more situations than the chapter they were paired with.

The writing style was very accessible which made it a pleasure to read. A lot less jargon than most books like this which I enjoyed because it made it simple to understand without feeling like I was missing the author's point.

[Jasmine · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book delivers on the information it promises. But the problem is, it promises too little to be of much value. It tells readers how to determine if childhood abuse happened and highlights the effects it could have on an abused person’s adult life. But the reader may be expecting this book to offer guidance on improving the aspects of life that the book mentions may have been affected. It rarely does that. It focuses more on identifying problems than offering solutions. For someone looking to understand childhood abuse better, this book will help. But if you’re looking for next-step or self-help guidance or information to support a journey forward, this is not the book for that.

[Liz Macnear · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read!

This book helps validate, further explain and define abuse and it's impact. Whether you are just starting the journal of healing or have been on that road a long time, you will find the topics thoughtful, brief and insightful. I personally found it to be a great way to provoke more internal dialogue on my own healing process and my husband felt it gave him some insight into my life-long struggle.

[Alainamac · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is a very affirmative book for anyone who has survived childhood abuse of any kind. It is a quick read/study as it is not really intensive. I feel like the author wrote it basically as an outline and back in 1983, it got published. It is fine as a jumping off point for someone who needs a positive book to read to start healing the abuse they suffered.

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

My therapist, who is retiring OMG, gave me her copy of this book. It is a short and factual description of the characteristics of people who have suffered abuse/neglect. Strengths and likely issues. We saw ourselves on every page. A classic reference.

[Manda Jones · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book while my husband and I were preparing to adopt through foster care (2008). Nothing prepares you for parenting, let alone parenting through trauma. I highly recommend it. I am a fan of first-hand accounts and learning from the past.

[LB · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent! Straightforward and compassionate guide for couples struggling with the effects of childhood abuse. I find most books on trauma to be bogged down with discouraging details, but this was an easy and helpful read. I highly recommend it for couples who don’t know where to start.

[Ann Major · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked this book okay

This book was 👌 ok but not great. I was looking for something with more substance. Not wonderful. My iPad keeps telling me to write more words but I can’t.

[Cathy · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is for adults who were abused as children. I thought this book was poorly written and vague. I read this book in 2005.

[Georgia · Rating 3 out of 5]

An essential read for anyone who is trying to work through the trauma of childhood abuse.

[K Grant · Rating 4 out of 5]

A Very basic and simple introduction to the subject.

[Angélica · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars

shout out to my therapist 🐹✌️

[Lily Heron · Rating 1 out of 5]

Useless. "You need to let go of your protective mechanisms" OK BUT HOW?! waste of time.

[Addie Bea · Rating 5 out of 5]

Extremely simple, clear and well written. A quick must-read for adults abused as children looking to heal.

[Laura Phelan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good basic reminders and tools for partners of adult survivors.

[April Daniels · Rating 4 out of 5]

Presented as a "Resource for Further Reading" in both the 1992 and 1993 editions of Paperdolls: Healing from Sexual Abuse in Mormon Neighborhoods.

[Luis Crawford · Rating 4 out of 5]

Short, insightful, a great foundational introductory book

[Erean Larry-Fiakpuyi]

This is a book that I recommend frequently in my therapy groups. I re-read it yearly! Excellent!

[Stella · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a good little book for individuals to read who have endured abuse as a child, however, it in no way explores the topic in depth. As a counselor, I would recommend this to adults who are unsure if what they suffered as a child was abuse, as well as those adults who have identified that abuse indeed occurred, but are suffering from various reactions to the abuse/neglect. While this text in NO WAY takes the place of seeing a professional counselor, I believe it might bring many individuals a certain level of comfort. Gil explores a multitude of reactions to abuse while also helping the "client" determine possible avenues to healing.

[Naida Potata · Rating 5 out of 5]

Embarrassingly helpful.