Emotional Bullshit: The Hidden Plague that Is Threatening to Destroy Your Relationships-and How to Stop It

by Carl Alasko

In this breakthrough book Dr. Carl Alasko takes apart the emotional stealth disease that destroys trust and happiness in every area of life: dating, marriage, parenting, friendship and work. Nothing is exempt from this hidden plague, including your financial security.

This stealth disease is actually made up of three common psychological dynamics: the Toxic Trio of Denial, Delusion and Blame. Emotional Bullshit emerges when we use these three dynamics together to:

* deny, manipulate and distort essential facts
* substitute a delusional and false reality, and then
* blame someone or something when things fall apart.

Dr. Alasko provides a revolutionary way to eliminate Emotional BS from your life, markedly improving all of your relationships.

Based on twenty five years of clinical experience, Dr. Alasko leads you through a simple-to-understand and proven way to ban Emotional BS and significantly increase your happiness and fulfillment.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Relationships, Emotion

272 pages, Paperback

First published December 24, 2008

About the author

Carl Alasko, Ph.D. has been a practicing psychotherapist specializing in couples and families for twenty-five years.

He writes a weekly article about healthy relationships for the online Expert's blogs at Psychology Today and for the past fifteen years has written a weekly advice column "On Relationships" for the Monterey County Herald.

He lives in Monterey, California with his wife and son.

Reviews

[Shaimaa شيماء · Rating 3 out of 5]

يتكون الاحتيال العاطفي من ثلاثة عناصر

الإنكار: تجاهل أو تقليل من شأن حقيقة أساسية، فلا يتم السماح لأي شخص بإيجاد حل لأنه لا تكون هناك مشكلة ليتم حلها.

التضليل: يخلق واقعا بديلا أكثر ملاءمة، فيشتت انتباه الجميع من خلال التركيز على حقيقة مضلة.

اللوم: يحمل المسئولية لشخص او شيء آخر، حتى لا يحاسب المخطىء الحقيقي.

[Hassan · Rating 5 out of 5]

الكتاب يتحدث عن ضرورة معرفة الشخص باحتياجاته الأساسية وأهمية تعبيره عنها بطريقة واضحة بعيدًا عن "الاحتيال العاطفي"، سواء كانت تلك احتياجات متعلقة بالحياة العائلية أو المهنية أو بين الأصحاب أو حتى بين الشخص ونفسه.

يدعو الكتاب إلى ضرورة الاعتناء بالذات وأن ذلك ليس من النرجسية والأنانية، بل على النقيض؛ فحين يهتم الشخص بنفسه ويلبي احتياجاتها الأساسية فإنه يكون في حال أفضل وبالتالي تكون جودة علاقاته مع الآخرين أعلى.

[Neil · Rating 5 out of 5]

Explains 'reality distortion field' as it applies to pretty much all your relationships, both ways. It's what happens when people build their lives around opinions instead of facts, but haven't taken the time to tell the difference.

[Kris · Rating 3 out of 5]

Kind of rough around the edges, but the focus on the "toxic trio" of denial, delusion, and blame is a good reminder that a whole lot of the bullshit we deal with in our lives comes from our own actions and perceptions.

[Ryan O'Keefe · Rating 2 out of 5]

Carl Alasko uses many examples of "Emotional Bullshit" and how the Toxic Trio are pulling us down whether we realize it or not. The thesis of the book could easily be summarized as "check yourself." Overall, the messages make logical sense and are particularly strong when they focus on ensuring we remember that a lot of how we act is controlled by unconscious feelings and motivations, or "desires" that we need to fulfill one way or another.

The strongest advice in the book is that it is not narcissistic or selfish to take care of your own "core needs", because you cannot relate in a healthy way with others without your own mind and body being healthy itself. This theme is reflected in the EMT's protocol in which you first and foremost look out for yourself - after all, if you are injured or incapacitated, you can't help anyone. It is also reflected in the Jesuit concept of Cura Personalis - or cure for the self - which similarly claims that you must never forget to take care of yourself before you concentrate on the rest of the world.

Overall, I can't understand how the "emotional bullshit" stuff ties in with the other messages of the book, or why the book title focused on it. The historical examples of emotional bullshit were painfully simplified and weakly convincing, but still interesting to think about.

[Kells Perry · Rating 5 out of 5]

I picked up this book expecting less than what I took away from it, namely a constructive resolution model that is actually workable. One thing I loved about this book was how Alasko didn't pull any punches, he was clear and concise about what emotional bullshit is and isn't, and why it's so damaging.

Because it's a psychology-based self-help book it's inevitable that Alasko reiterates his points but once you internalize those it's easier to see how much truth is in his simple tenets. I think most anyone could benefit from having a little less emotional bullshit in their lives and this book is great at identifying what to watch out for.

[Jo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Extremely helpful tools to help you learn how to argue - all married couples should own this book and reference it frequently. Should also be assigned reading to young teenagers before they get stuck in the really bad circular habits of denial, delusion, and blame. Everyone I know (myself most definitely included) exhibits these behaviors to some degree, but I know at least one person whose picture should be on the bloody cover!

[Thena · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is what I call a "skimmer." I was able to just skim through the book in a sitting and fully understand what the whole book was about. It was too dry and repetitive for me to read every page, but I didn't want to just give up on it...So, I'm glad that I successfully skimmed it and in the process actually learned a thing or two from it.

[Toni Rahman · Rating 4 out of 5]

I recommend this book to anyone who knows they're as capable of bullshitting themselves as they are being bullshitted by someone they love (or despise). And if you can learn to spot it, you can learn to avoid it - in yourself as well as others. Great read. It's so true.

[Trina Brunk · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book at my sister's house -- she was getting ready to return it to the library, and I returned it for her and checked it out for myself. This guy nails it. I really appreciate the clarity he brings to the subject -- it helps to empower everyone.

[Donna · Rating 1 out of 5]

This author seemed too enamored of his idea so the nuggets of truth were buried under the prose tricks--not very well written.

[Walaa 1988 · Rating 5 out of 5]

واحد من اروع الكتب و اكثرها فائدة :)

[Seejaal · Rating 5 out of 5]

عزيزي د.كارل ألاسكو،،
ما الذي فعله بنا كتابك ..
أي هراء اكتشفنا أننا كنا نغرق فيه ظننا منا أننا ننجوا..
كتابك يا سيدي أنقذنا منا .. كبح عجلة قطار حياتنا .. فنزلنا أخيرا من على متن القطار .. ونظرنا إلى الطريق الطويل خلفنا على مضض ينبعث من ثناياه شيء من خجل ودهشه..
كتابك علمنا الحذر ..
فمن بعده لن نسمح لأنفسنا بتجرع المزيد من مزيج الثلاثي السام الذي شربنا منه زمنا إلى حد السقم،،
فلا خوف بعد اليوم يسقينا ولا لهفة على المكاسب القصيرة المدى تغرينا..
وسنحمل “لا فتة النيون الأحمر” أينما ذهبنا ..
وسنرفعها فوق رؤوس كل من نتعامل معهم دوما..
وسنقرأ “المكتوب بالحروف الصغيرة” حتى تطمئن ذواتنا في حضن رعايتنا مصانة محمية من ذاك الهراء،،
إكتشفنا يا سيدي أن في بعض ما جئتم به في كتابكم هذا بعض من تعاليم ديننا.. الصبر والحلم .. التريث و الصدق .. الرحمة والمودة…
بعد قراءتنا لكتابك نعدك د.ألاسكو أن نتطهر من “الثلاثي السام”
أن لا نصارع الخوف حتى نصرعه ونضيئ “لوحة النيون“ ..
أن نقف على “أسباب استخدامنا لصراع العاطفي“ الأربعة عشر..
أن نسأل أنفسنا “الأسئلة الثلاث التي توقف الإحتيال العاطفي“..
أن نضع “الشروط الخمسة“ بوابة ضامنة لنجاح علاقاتنا الناشئة بعد أن نرسي ركائزها على “العناصر الأربعة الأساسية للعلاقة الناجحة“..
أن نجعل “هرم العالم العظيم إبراهام ماسلو“ ذو المستويات السبع سلمنا لنسمو ونرتقي..
أن نسأل أنفسنا “الأسئلة الخمسة حول احتياجاتنا الأساسية” إنقاذا لها..
أن نعتنق “الصراع البناء“ في حل عقد علاقاتنا ومشكلاتها اعتناقا ..

[Barry Mikhael · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think this book is more straight-to-the-points compared to many other nonfiction books I’ve read.

The book introduced Emotional BS as a manipulation of truth and distortion of reality made up of denial, delusion, and blame, the Toxic Trio. I found these three components very common these days.

It then introduced a series of reflective questions to help us identify them (which often coverted); and also laid down a so-called constructive conflict to face the fire unraveling the consequence of it.

I feel like I’m being called out many times reading this book. It really helped me look inward, identifying emotional BS that there is.

PS: You may find many contexts on which examples and discussions are given irrelevant. But, as usual, you can just always skip and comeback later when you need it.

[Vince de Simone · Rating 4 out of 5]

As far as the self-help genre goes, this one cuts to the chase! It's a good shake-up and asks you to face your bullsh#t! And if that's not what you arrive at from reading this book, then ask yourself is there something you're denying, deluding yourself with or blaming someone about? If not then, wow, congratulations you don't need to read this book. However, if you're sick of the same old patterns in relationships and ready to take responsibility and face your bullsh#t, then I wholly suggest to read this book and glean some insights.

[Brittany · Rating 1 out of 5]

To be honest this book had a good idea for a self-help book and contained some good insight at times, but other than that it caused me more confusion, than explanation for a majority. It is also quite repetitive to the point that it gets boring and dry... I believe there are many other books out there that will serve a better purpose than this one. I hope this is helpful!

[Maranda Higginbotham · Rating 4 out of 5]

Enjoyed this book. It’s always good to check yourself on your growth and reactions. There’s a lot about denial, delusion and blame we all harbor as humans. It made me think about how I can be a better communicator and be more thoughtful when reacting. Loves the 6 steps for talking through conflicts too.

[Donna Hutt Stapfer Bell · Rating 4 out of 5]

Stripped down, but still good

Like a lot of self-help books, this one relies heavily on short lists (remember the toxic trio, remember your core values) but with the examples presented, the book achieved its purpose.

[Zahraa Ghahdeer · Rating 3 out of 5]

كتاب الهراء العاطفي كتاب قيم جدًا يحتوي على كمية كبيرة من الواقع عبارة عن تحليل عميق للاحتيال العاطفي و المشاعر السلبية الاربع : الالم و القلق و الغضب والخوف . اسلوب الكتاب ممل نوعًا ما لاحتواءه على بعض التحليلات العميقة و لكن في جعبته جوهرة .

[Liz Michaels · Rating 4 out of 5]

It is a short, clear, well-written book, about the need to be honest and caring.
I highly recommend it, especially if you have relationship problems.

[kuro_puppy · Rating 2 out of 5]

70% of the book was BORING ! 😪

[Suzanne · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sometimes you find books, other times, books find you.

This stuck out at me on my way through the bookstore the other day and pulled it down. About a half an hour later and almost halfway through the book, I decided to purchase and take it home. It really was nailing some pretty great insights into my own life/actions that I had previously been unable to really articulate or get my mind around. The writing may be a little repetitive at times, but the core nuggets of information, namely his concept of the "Toxic Trio" of Denial, Delusion and Blame are gold.

In trying to be an observer of oneself in order to create space for more happiness in life, its amazing how simple this concept is. It helped me troubleshoot the source of much of my confusion about understanding how people react to me without a ton of psychobabble and mumbo jumbo. More importantly, it also enabled me to separate the feelings of pain and discomfort as being anything other than the markers of change in my life - for the positive.

[Michael · Rating 3 out of 5]

BS abounds as Dr. Alasko takes us through the quagmire of interpersonal relationships. There are great messages and themes throughout the book such as, "it's ok to take care of yourself and not feel like you're being narcissistic." This specific thought helps the reader focus on the Emotional BS in their own lives before they address it in others (similar to the teaching of Jesus in Matthew 7:5). However, the book deviates from the course toward the end when the focus of the last section is almost solely on conflict management among couples. For me, changed the tenor of the book, as it left out many readers who are not in a committed, serious relationship. Still, there were many helpful systems and processes to detect BS, and to enter into constructive conflict.

[Travis W · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book was interesting to be sure. I appreciated how frank he was about certain situations and that the role of a marriage counselor was not to save a marriage, but rather to assess how/if it could be saved or to help the couple dissolve it amicably. The processes he described (Constructive Communication) are very similar to nonviolent communication. I appreciated his references to recent research as well. Overall very informative.

[Amy · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is very interesting and filled with a meriad of psychological insights. I found some great advice to apply in my life. I did get a bit bored in the beginning, skipped to the middle/end. Overall, interesting reference.

[Sherry · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is amazing...it's a little repetative at times, but there's a good reason...It's been so incredibly helpful to me.

[Sally · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some insights; a very definite point of view. The solutions too structured and rigid to be very helpful to me.

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

How to "handle" people at work

[Elaine · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book easy to skim through and get a good understanding.

[Kyra Hahn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good self help book for avoiding manipulation