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Penis Envy and Other Bad Feelings: The Emotional Costs of Everyday Life
Mari Ruti combines theoretical reflection, cultural critique, feminist politics, and personal experience to analyze the prevalence of bad feelings in contemporary everyday life. Proceeding from a playful engagement with Freud's idea of penis envy, Ruti's autotheoretical commentary fans out to a broader consideration of neoliberal pragmatism. She focuses on the emphasis on good performance, high productivity, constant self-improvement, and relentless cheerfulness that characterizes present-day Western society. Revealing the treacherousness of our fantasies of the good life, particularly the idea that our efforts will eventually be rewarded--that things will eventually get better--Ruti demystifies the false hope that often causes us to tolerate an unbearable present.
Theoretically rigorous and lucidly written, Penis Envy and Other Bad Feelings is a trenchant critique of contemporary gender relations. Refuting the idea that we live in a postfeminist world where gender inequalities have been transcended, Ruti describes how neoliberal heteropatriarchy has transformed itself in subtle and stealthy, and therefore all the more insidious, ways. Mobilizing Michel Foucault's concept of biopolitics, Jacques Lacan's account of desire, and Lauren Berlant's notion of cruel optimism, she analyzes the rationalization of intimacy, the persistence of gender stereotypes, and the pornification of heterosexual culture. Ruti shines a spotlight on the depression, anxiety, frustration, and disenchantment that frequently lie beneath our society's sugarcoated mythologies of self-fulfillment, romantic satisfaction, and professional success, speaking to all who are concerned about the emotional costs of the pressure-cooker ethos of our age.
Theoretically rigorous and lucidly written, Penis Envy and Other Bad Feelings is a trenchant critique of contemporary gender relations. Refuting the idea that we live in a postfeminist world where gender inequalities have been transcended, Ruti describes how neoliberal heteropatriarchy has transformed itself in subtle and stealthy, and therefore all the more insidious, ways. Mobilizing Michel Foucault's concept of biopolitics, Jacques Lacan's account of desire, and Lauren Berlant's notion of cruel optimism, she analyzes the rationalization of intimacy, the persistence of gender stereotypes, and the pornification of heterosexual culture. Ruti shines a spotlight on the depression, anxiety, frustration, and disenchantment that frequently lie beneath our society's sugarcoated mythologies of self-fulfillment, romantic satisfaction, and professional success, speaking to all who are concerned about the emotional costs of the pressure-cooker ethos of our age.
257 pages, Kindle Edition
First published May 29, 2018
About the author
Mari Ruti
48 books148 followersMari Ruti is Distinguished Professor of critical theory and of gender and sexuality studies at the University of Toronto in Toronto, Canada. She is an interdisciplinary scholar within the theoretical humanities working at the intersection of contemporary theory, continental philosophy, psychoanalytic theory, cultural studies, trauma theory, posthumanist ethics, and gender and sexuality studies.
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December 31, 2025I took two seminars with Mari Ruti in college and only recently learned that she passed away in 2023. It’s been a pleasure to revisit some of her ideas and her energetic voice in this book – she makes Lacan and other complicated aspects of critical theory accessible, providing an academic look at the problems that many a self-help book grapple with. Sure, there are no real solutions here, only ideas on how to cope with being alive – the fundamental Lacanian lack at the root of human subjectivity at times a comforting idea and at times as frustrating as ever. Maybe a little Nietzschean forgetting might be worth a try in 2026.
Want to Read
July 14, 2023High school acquaintance tweeted an article that quotes this book, I sent it to kaleb being like "omg this quotes the book i just made fun of u for marking as want to read," turns out kaleb read that exact article this morning. The twittersphere does amazing things. Anyways the quote in the article goes HARD so now i want to read this
October 11, 2021
I pretty much devoured this book in a weekend. I absolutely loved it. I laughed (lots of jokes) and I even cried (feeling an attachment to the author's journey and the subjectivity).
The book certainly begins with a direct confrontation with the idea of the phallus and penis envy. Her thoughts really help me see my own situation, and even though the author is talking about the gendered violence of a woman (how could she possibly talk about a man's) I understood it as being kind of a universal experience. Like she says... we already castrated before even entering society.
I also really resonated with this journey from discussing biopolitics, cruel optimism, and finishing with the questions of anxiety, and bringing it back to herself... I LOVE HER.
I'd read it again... and I don't feel so guilty with my penis envy anymore (even if I'm a man).
The book certainly begins with a direct confrontation with the idea of the phallus and penis envy. Her thoughts really help me see my own situation, and even though the author is talking about the gendered violence of a woman (how could she possibly talk about a man's) I understood it as being kind of a universal experience. Like she says... we already castrated before even entering society.
I also really resonated with this journey from discussing biopolitics, cruel optimism, and finishing with the questions of anxiety, and bringing it back to herself... I LOVE HER.
I'd read it again... and I don't feel so guilty with my penis envy anymore (even if I'm a man).
March 12, 2018
A nice work of "auto-theory" that displays its best aspects when discussing personal experience, neo-liberal productivity and contemporary "cruel optimism" in Lacanian terms. Very much akin to another great read Capitalism and Desire: The Psychic Cost of Free Markets in its theoretical content (but surpasses Todd McGowan's book in the way it deals with the personal).
The intertwined layout of personal and theoretical was really refreshing for me and obviously Ms. Ruti has a penchant for writing. Actually, I don't think many people could pull this "auto-theoretical" approach off. Although the middle part of the book that takes on gender politics and embedded sexism of our contemporary societies was a bit long for my taste, it built up to the last part of the book nicely and pleasantly, so I have no complaints.
Frankly, I loved the last part so much in its sincerity, honesty and self-depreciatory humor that this could be (probably should be) 5 stars. Yet, I had to make my way through (the more than slightly obvious) part on contemporary sexism to reach the best part of the book. But still, a very, very rewarding read.
P.S. : To totally useless M.A.s in Sociology!
The intertwined layout of personal and theoretical was really refreshing for me and obviously Ms. Ruti has a penchant for writing. Actually, I don't think many people could pull this "auto-theoretical" approach off. Although the middle part of the book that takes on gender politics and embedded sexism of our contemporary societies was a bit long for my taste, it built up to the last part of the book nicely and pleasantly, so I have no complaints.
Frankly, I loved the last part so much in its sincerity, honesty and self-depreciatory humor that this could be (probably should be) 5 stars. Yet, I had to make my way through (the more than slightly obvious) part on contemporary sexism to reach the best part of the book. But still, a very, very rewarding read.
P.S. : To totally useless M.A.s in Sociology!
March 23, 2025
Cannot recommend this more highly: feminism, love, lacan. I have had some super bad feelings lately and this book gave me the place to sit with them and the words to embrace how central and life-making love is for me.
Also, and this is insane, I was asked out by a stranger every time I was reading this in public. And (crazy but stay with me) I had in it my bag on Thursday when my assigned bus seat was next to the most beautiful man I have ever met—an Italian linguistics m.a. at oxford. And yes, dear reader, the book was in my bag during the hour and a half we talked about politics, language, and which country uses the most tongue. And, you guessed it, it was in my bag when me and said hot oxford academic fully made out on the greyhound somewhere in rural vermont.
Not saying this book will change your life…but it did change mine. I think I might marry this guy? Whatever. No big deal…
Also, and this is insane, I was asked out by a stranger every time I was reading this in public. And (crazy but stay with me) I had in it my bag on Thursday when my assigned bus seat was next to the most beautiful man I have ever met—an Italian linguistics m.a. at oxford. And yes, dear reader, the book was in my bag during the hour and a half we talked about politics, language, and which country uses the most tongue. And, you guessed it, it was in my bag when me and said hot oxford academic fully made out on the greyhound somewhere in rural vermont.
Not saying this book will change your life…but it did change mine. I think I might marry this guy? Whatever. No big deal…
August 18, 2023
“…a scene of writing, the scene of surviving my own inadequacy”
The end of this book is a treasure, albeit ghostly at times, just as it was a treasure to have known and learned from Mari, albeit briefly (and I’m all too aware of how my own compulsive competitiveness and ambition in her presence likely chafed against the virtues she prizes here). I’m struck by her deep humility and desire to contest dogma, to see her own life as the material of analysis, even when it doesn’t neatly fall into place as one might hope or idealize. This is highly accessible, generous, and realistic theory, something you could hand to an undergrad or someone not addicted to school like me. It’s easy to read and that is not a dig, though perhaps for grad students in the field, some chapters are more revelatory than others.
But it was really the chance to ‘sit’ with her again that touched me and made me grateful that she went out in a limb to sneak me into her Zoom seminar on Freud in the winter of 2021. Thank you and RIP.
The end of this book is a treasure, albeit ghostly at times, just as it was a treasure to have known and learned from Mari, albeit briefly (and I’m all too aware of how my own compulsive competitiveness and ambition in her presence likely chafed against the virtues she prizes here). I’m struck by her deep humility and desire to contest dogma, to see her own life as the material of analysis, even when it doesn’t neatly fall into place as one might hope or idealize. This is highly accessible, generous, and realistic theory, something you could hand to an undergrad or someone not addicted to school like me. It’s easy to read and that is not a dig, though perhaps for grad students in the field, some chapters are more revelatory than others.
But it was really the chance to ‘sit’ with her again that touched me and made me grateful that she went out in a limb to sneak me into her Zoom seminar on Freud in the winter of 2021. Thank you and RIP.
February 12, 2023
This one snuck up on me. The latter part of the book is where it picked up for me (particularly the chapters on gender obsession, specificity of desire, and the age of anxiety). The conclusion had me crying. I enjoyed how Ruti weaves together her personal experience and past with theoretical vigor and cultural critique. I would like to read more of her work. My critiques mostly circulate around her laxness and looseness with terms, a pitfall that I am guessing would not be present in other works of hers, since she explicitly states she wrote this book for a more “popular” audience (although I don’t think that should warrant lack of specificity). The Lacanian translation was particularly helpful. Much to think about with “bad feelings” and the difference between their generation culturally and/or psychically.
November 8, 2021
unbearably white, super impressed by harvard profs on the tenure track writing vapid tracts on “neoliberalism” (great word for not actually engaging with capitalist imperialism) citing the usual crew of white European academic superstars while paying a tiny bit of lip service to racial and colonial oppression. There’s nothing in this book that hasn’t been articulated elsewhere, including without the academic gibberish and navel-gazing
September 1, 2023
4.8 | Mari Ruti was the greatest poststructuralism theorist after Foucault and I’ll die fighting on this hill.
She is the most accessible theorist when it comes to writing. The way she takes the most complex ideas and writes about them at a level that a kid could read and all without losing substance is mind blowing.
This books is more auto-theory than I usually read but very rich in content, theory, analysis, anecdotes…
It’s also rare that a theory book evokes feelings for me but she did that. I wish the world gave us more of her.
She is the most accessible theorist when it comes to writing. The way she takes the most complex ideas and writes about them at a level that a kid could read and all without losing substance is mind blowing.
This books is more auto-theory than I usually read but very rich in content, theory, analysis, anecdotes…
It’s also rare that a theory book evokes feelings for me but she did that. I wish the world gave us more of her.
January 29, 2018
I was Given an advanced reader’s copy in exchange for an honest review
This book is not advertised as such, but this draws heavily on psychoanalytic theory and Lacanian theory. As I happened to go to graduate school for English in Y2K, I understand this. If you don’t understand these theories, this book will leave you stranded. If you do you will appreciate this witty exploration set up in the title,, of the phallus and the lack, and whether they truly define us.
This book is not advertised as such, but this draws heavily on psychoanalytic theory and Lacanian theory. As I happened to go to graduate school for English in Y2K, I understand this. If you don’t understand these theories, this book will leave you stranded. If you do you will appreciate this witty exploration set up in the title,, of the phallus and the lack, and whether they truly define us.
August 26, 2023
I learned about Mari Ruti from her obituary in the NYTimes, which seems odd, but so it goes. It made this book all the more spiritual, as she writes so much about death, incl at the end when she literally bemoans his so many women scholars die, not much older than she is (p. 219), in her conclusion, in a section called “The Dudley House Bathroom.” It’s kinda spooky.
More though, this is a deep and empowering exploration into desire and it’s deepest societal meanings. She does indeed seem to have penis issues. A declared heterosexual she is not very complimentary, when I think most men do love their penis, she speaks of tumor-like forms and inabilities to perform, most often citing Lacan, and her own early naked sauna experiences growing up in Scandinavia. I’ve not read much Lacan but he did not seem to like his penis. Wasn’t he Picasso’s physician? Gilot’s OBGYN? Well, anyhoo…
Still, this book is a powerful read that will stick with me. For so many reasons. I hope she’s glad her death has made for more readers.
“porn consumers are trained to think that their satisfaction should be immediate, constant, and without exertion, which seems a whole lot like yet another iteration of the capitalist creed. This is a mentality that tells us that everything should be readily available to us, that we should not be asked to make any sacrifices, to set any priorities; it tells us that our options are infinite, which is one way of producing people who think that ther're entitled to everything.” p. 125
More though, this is a deep and empowering exploration into desire and it’s deepest societal meanings. She does indeed seem to have penis issues. A declared heterosexual she is not very complimentary, when I think most men do love their penis, she speaks of tumor-like forms and inabilities to perform, most often citing Lacan, and her own early naked sauna experiences growing up in Scandinavia. I’ve not read much Lacan but he did not seem to like his penis. Wasn’t he Picasso’s physician? Gilot’s OBGYN? Well, anyhoo…
Still, this book is a powerful read that will stick with me. For so many reasons. I hope she’s glad her death has made for more readers.
“porn consumers are trained to think that their satisfaction should be immediate, constant, and without exertion, which seems a whole lot like yet another iteration of the capitalist creed. This is a mentality that tells us that everything should be readily available to us, that we should not be asked to make any sacrifices, to set any priorities; it tells us that our options are infinite, which is one way of producing people who think that ther're entitled to everything.” p. 125
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June 28, 2024Putting this down after completing the introduction (which was massive), not because it's no good, just because it's not what I need. It would be GREAT for someone who is a little theory-averse who is interested in wondering what a feminist might draw from psychoanalysis in making sense of the negative affects generated by everyday life. It's written like a light cross between memoir and theory and it's both lucid and breezy (one of my favorite mixes). But not great for someone who thinks largely in these terms already (but about his own, very different experience from the author's).
Clearly this is a good book but I won't be reading it now or in the future because there is too much overlap (so it would be intrusive) and it doesn't look like it will cover much about how men who apparently still "have" a dick are still castrated and how that seems to be fueling much of the political life of the resurgent right in this country (could be wrong on that). Would recommend for undergrad feminists who don't get why anyone willingly still engages with Freud. Probably as close to a beach read as theory goes - and that's a positive remark, not a negative.
Clearly this is a good book but I won't be reading it now or in the future because there is too much overlap (so it would be intrusive) and it doesn't look like it will cover much about how men who apparently still "have" a dick are still castrated and how that seems to be fueling much of the political life of the resurgent right in this country (could be wrong on that). Would recommend for undergrad feminists who don't get why anyone willingly still engages with Freud. Probably as close to a beach read as theory goes - and that's a positive remark, not a negative.
December 13, 2020
Ich hätte echt gerne 4 Sterne gegeben. Aber leider war ein Großteil theoretisch zu oberflächlich oder banal. Die Introduction ist das Highlight und ich wünschte, dass der Rest des Buches genau so stark gewesen wäre. Dann wären es auch 5 Sterne geworden.
June 9, 2025
Feminististä kulttuurikritiikkiä sinulle, joka olet kyllästynyt jatkuvaan itsensä kehittämiseen, täydelliseen suorittamiseen, tuottavuusloikkiin ja "hymyile nyt vähän"-tytöttelyyn. Miten uusliberaali heteropatriarkaatti aiheuttaa sukupuoliroolien vahvistumista ja intiimien kokemusten rationalisoimista? Yhden tähden jätin pois siksi, että lopun lacanilaiset filosofoinnit menivät itseltäni yli hilseen. Kaikilta muilta osin ihanaa, vähän vihaiseksi tekevää luettavaa.
April 6, 2025
It was very interesting it just actually took me 2 years to finish oops.
March 8, 2026
exceeded my expectations (and they were high because i love the author ). everyone should read this book. #godisawoman. RIP Mari Ruti
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October 15, 2026"hetereopatriarchy is an elaborate collective fantasy... by allowing (some) men to imagine themselves as more powerful than women, it makes it possible for them to keep ignoring their lack, their profoundly vulnerable status [the Lacanian "castration"]"
"if the penis symbolizes wholenesss, then hell, of course I'm going to want it (or more precisely, I'm going to want what it symbolizes"
***"we've come to view the individual as a miniature economic enterprise - a homo economicus - and human life as a process of perfecting the effectiveness of this enterprise through various projects of self-development ... we've learned to think of our lives in terms of input and profit, of smart investments and optimum functioning"
"Relationality is proposed as a solution to the fact that our society is built on stony principles of fierce competition; it's meant to compensate for the otherwise instrumentalist inflection of our culture."
"as subjects of consumer culture, we're constantly on the brink of having our desire realized but never quite reach the point of full realization... living in a state of anticipation (in a state of cruel optimism) that keeps us from being fully present in the moment"
"many social critics... have portrayed marriage as a means of producing citizens who behave in relatively predictable, relatively reliable ways - ways that facilitate the smooth functioning of the political and economic system... Marriage is one of the lynchpins of biopolitical conditioning, that it's in the folds of marriage that the next generation is - usually (though no longer invariably) - taught the principles of performance, productivity, and self-improvement."
"it [hypersexualization] has been so thoroughly coopted by consumer culture ... that it can hardly be considered a straightforward victory for those critical of the reach of biopolitical and consumer culture... Rather than harming capitalism, sexual liberation helped to save it."
"One of the main reasons for my antipathy for the ideology of marriage is that... it tends to be directly linked to the naturalization of gender differences."
"Those who refuse to be programmed into conjugal, gender bifruacted normalcy are seen as a social burden"
"remaining permanently single in our society still carries the stigma of undersireability and unhappiness... Alternatively, like queers, singles are judged to be immature, selfish, and narcissistic, unwilling to grow up and only interested in their own wellbeing... Every time that someone I barely know asks me why I'm 'still single', I feel like responding 'why are you still married?'"
"Gender obsession disorder: an excessive, even pathological concern with making sure that men and women remain discernibly different."
***"Those who defend the rigid male-female dichotomy succinctly symbolized by the icons on bathroom doors aren't defending the safety of women (trans or cis). They're defending a heteropatriarchal social order which is predicated not only on the privileging of heterosexuality but also on the disparagement and the physical, emotional, and psychological terrorization of women, the gendervariant, and visibily LGBTQ+ individuals."
***"They [evolutionary psychologists] strive to make social mythologies about gender sound like hard science. Such faux-scientific arguments sound right to many members of our society precisely because they replicate cultural ideology, precisely because we have all heard these arguments countless times before."
"This is one of the main differences between racism and sexism... it would be difficult to find a black person who proudly endorses negative stereotypes about black people. In contract, it's easy enough to find a woman who uncritically buys our society's stereotypes about women and even vehemently defends them."
***"Whenever people are being systemically grouped based on presumed biological differences, discrimination is virtually unavoidable."
"American culture appears to assume that sexual penetrability equals receptivity, which is in turn coded as being equivalent to obedience, vulnerability, and submissiveness."
"It seems extremely unlikely that insisting on essential racial differences would defeat racism. I don't see why things would be any different with sexism."
"a defense mechanism that's familiar to many successful career women: the attempt to alleviate the sting of female ambition on the male ego by flamboyant displays of femininity, including a girly demeanor, sexy appearance, and a flirtatious attitude."
***"A related dilemma is that postfeminist feminity offers an illusion of power without challenging the systematic devaluation of women that characterizes heteropatriarchal society. In the same way that the American dream silences political opposition by promoting individualistic solutions to social inequalities, postfeminism implies that it's each woman's personal responsibility to tackle all the obstacles on her path, that the only thing holding women back is their lack of exertion. If a woman can be the attorney general or secretary of state, what's keeping you from climbing up the career ladder?"
"today's postfeminist women rarely seem free to express their eroticism in ways that deviate from the dominant heteropatriarchal script... the only style of female sexuality that gets a serious hearing in our society is the one that has historically been favored by a notoriously misogynistic porn industry."
***"Much of the porn that straight men consume is undeniably sexist, which means that the sexual culture straight women are forced to operate in is inherently sexist... In order to feel empowered, such women have to adopt a misogynistic attitude toward their own sexuality; they, essentially, have to learn to appreciate their own sexual degradation."
***"the straight guy who cruises misogynistic porn on a nightly basis is getting an education on what sex is supposed to look ike an on how he, as a sexual being, is supposed to act. It's not intellectually plausible to exempt sexual fantasies from otherwise intense critiques of the biopolitical fashioning of human subjectivity, for it seems incontestable that today's multibillion-dollar porn industry is one of the most powerful tools of this fashioning, fundamentally shaping the sexuality of a new generations of people."
***"the mainstream porn industry revolves around women servicing the cock, of making this cock hard... much of heteroporn is designed to get men off on the abjection of women; it's designed to make men feel powerful in relation to women whose main role is to serve them sexually."
"Guilt about their online activities can even give rise to a desperate effort to idealize their partners, to see women as virginal creatures who are entirely divorced from the "dirty" images they see online; it can give rise to an attempt to redraw the age-old heteropatriarchal dichotomy between virgin and whore as a line between offline and online sexuality."
***"The critics of the Enlightenment are correct in arguing that this celebration resulted in both political and epistemological violence - the kind of violence that, among other things, sought to rid the world of (destroy, repress) the irrational, the affective, the feminine, and the "othered" (the racialized, colonized, dispossessed, marginalized, and so on.)"
"human subjectivity is socially conditioned, and that none of us can therefore fully control our destinies, without falling into social determinism."
"women have throughout the ages been asked to personify lack so as to reassure men of their wholeness; women have been coded as passive objects so that men could have faith in their stats as active and agentic subjects."
***"I'm wary of our pragmatic culture's attempts to convince us that bad feelings such as anxiety have practical solution... I just suspect that we might feel less anxious if we were not so focused on attaining composure in the first place."
***"the best way to overcome what is difficult is simply just to forget about it... Nietzsche's ideal of forgetting what has caused suffering isn't a matter of denying suffering but rather not letting this suffering define one's being... it allows the traumatized person to dissociate her suffering from her basic self-understanding; it render trauma external to her... Forgetting is a prerequisite of living in the present."
"if the penis symbolizes wholenesss, then hell, of course I'm going to want it (or more precisely, I'm going to want what it symbolizes"
***"we've come to view the individual as a miniature economic enterprise - a homo economicus - and human life as a process of perfecting the effectiveness of this enterprise through various projects of self-development ... we've learned to think of our lives in terms of input and profit, of smart investments and optimum functioning"
"Relationality is proposed as a solution to the fact that our society is built on stony principles of fierce competition; it's meant to compensate for the otherwise instrumentalist inflection of our culture."
"as subjects of consumer culture, we're constantly on the brink of having our desire realized but never quite reach the point of full realization... living in a state of anticipation (in a state of cruel optimism) that keeps us from being fully present in the moment"
"many social critics... have portrayed marriage as a means of producing citizens who behave in relatively predictable, relatively reliable ways - ways that facilitate the smooth functioning of the political and economic system... Marriage is one of the lynchpins of biopolitical conditioning, that it's in the folds of marriage that the next generation is - usually (though no longer invariably) - taught the principles of performance, productivity, and self-improvement."
"it [hypersexualization] has been so thoroughly coopted by consumer culture ... that it can hardly be considered a straightforward victory for those critical of the reach of biopolitical and consumer culture... Rather than harming capitalism, sexual liberation helped to save it."
"One of the main reasons for my antipathy for the ideology of marriage is that... it tends to be directly linked to the naturalization of gender differences."
"Those who refuse to be programmed into conjugal, gender bifruacted normalcy are seen as a social burden"
"remaining permanently single in our society still carries the stigma of undersireability and unhappiness... Alternatively, like queers, singles are judged to be immature, selfish, and narcissistic, unwilling to grow up and only interested in their own wellbeing... Every time that someone I barely know asks me why I'm 'still single', I feel like responding 'why are you still married?'"
"Gender obsession disorder: an excessive, even pathological concern with making sure that men and women remain discernibly different."
***"Those who defend the rigid male-female dichotomy succinctly symbolized by the icons on bathroom doors aren't defending the safety of women (trans or cis). They're defending a heteropatriarchal social order which is predicated not only on the privileging of heterosexuality but also on the disparagement and the physical, emotional, and psychological terrorization of women, the gendervariant, and visibily LGBTQ+ individuals."
***"They [evolutionary psychologists] strive to make social mythologies about gender sound like hard science. Such faux-scientific arguments sound right to many members of our society precisely because they replicate cultural ideology, precisely because we have all heard these arguments countless times before."
"This is one of the main differences between racism and sexism... it would be difficult to find a black person who proudly endorses negative stereotypes about black people. In contract, it's easy enough to find a woman who uncritically buys our society's stereotypes about women and even vehemently defends them."
***"Whenever people are being systemically grouped based on presumed biological differences, discrimination is virtually unavoidable."
"American culture appears to assume that sexual penetrability equals receptivity, which is in turn coded as being equivalent to obedience, vulnerability, and submissiveness."
"It seems extremely unlikely that insisting on essential racial differences would defeat racism. I don't see why things would be any different with sexism."
"a defense mechanism that's familiar to many successful career women: the attempt to alleviate the sting of female ambition on the male ego by flamboyant displays of femininity, including a girly demeanor, sexy appearance, and a flirtatious attitude."
***"A related dilemma is that postfeminist feminity offers an illusion of power without challenging the systematic devaluation of women that characterizes heteropatriarchal society. In the same way that the American dream silences political opposition by promoting individualistic solutions to social inequalities, postfeminism implies that it's each woman's personal responsibility to tackle all the obstacles on her path, that the only thing holding women back is their lack of exertion. If a woman can be the attorney general or secretary of state, what's keeping you from climbing up the career ladder?"
"today's postfeminist women rarely seem free to express their eroticism in ways that deviate from the dominant heteropatriarchal script... the only style of female sexuality that gets a serious hearing in our society is the one that has historically been favored by a notoriously misogynistic porn industry."
***"Much of the porn that straight men consume is undeniably sexist, which means that the sexual culture straight women are forced to operate in is inherently sexist... In order to feel empowered, such women have to adopt a misogynistic attitude toward their own sexuality; they, essentially, have to learn to appreciate their own sexual degradation."
***"the straight guy who cruises misogynistic porn on a nightly basis is getting an education on what sex is supposed to look ike an on how he, as a sexual being, is supposed to act. It's not intellectually plausible to exempt sexual fantasies from otherwise intense critiques of the biopolitical fashioning of human subjectivity, for it seems incontestable that today's multibillion-dollar porn industry is one of the most powerful tools of this fashioning, fundamentally shaping the sexuality of a new generations of people."
***"the mainstream porn industry revolves around women servicing the cock, of making this cock hard... much of heteroporn is designed to get men off on the abjection of women; it's designed to make men feel powerful in relation to women whose main role is to serve them sexually."
"Guilt about their online activities can even give rise to a desperate effort to idealize their partners, to see women as virginal creatures who are entirely divorced from the "dirty" images they see online; it can give rise to an attempt to redraw the age-old heteropatriarchal dichotomy between virgin and whore as a line between offline and online sexuality."
***"The critics of the Enlightenment are correct in arguing that this celebration resulted in both political and epistemological violence - the kind of violence that, among other things, sought to rid the world of (destroy, repress) the irrational, the affective, the feminine, and the "othered" (the racialized, colonized, dispossessed, marginalized, and so on.)"
"human subjectivity is socially conditioned, and that none of us can therefore fully control our destinies, without falling into social determinism."
"women have throughout the ages been asked to personify lack so as to reassure men of their wholeness; women have been coded as passive objects so that men could have faith in their stats as active and agentic subjects."
***"I'm wary of our pragmatic culture's attempts to convince us that bad feelings such as anxiety have practical solution... I just suspect that we might feel less anxious if we were not so focused on attaining composure in the first place."
***"the best way to overcome what is difficult is simply just to forget about it... Nietzsche's ideal of forgetting what has caused suffering isn't a matter of denying suffering but rather not letting this suffering define one's being... it allows the traumatized person to dissociate her suffering from her basic self-understanding; it render trauma external to her... Forgetting is a prerequisite of living in the present."
June 21, 2018
I was given a free copy in exchange for a review from net galley.
This book offers a little bit of everything. I think it could be infinitely improved with shorter chapters and an overall less academic feel to it.
Ruti is a fantastic writer - easy to read and I spent most of it thinking how smart I am. She is exactly how I imagine someone from Finland to be - my only issue being, while she spends a lot (and I mean nearly 1/4 of the book) on the intro, making sure that the reader knows exactly where she stands and how she decides to use her own life, I don't like how she feels more American than not. I get it, being a dual citizen, but I'm American before I'll be any other nationality. That, and she just is so Finnish in her writing (or how I imagine a Finnish person to write. Straight, to the point and she can end chapters abruptly).
It is a really good companion piece to Inferior by Angela Saini. I highlighted tons of quotes. I liked especially when she is asked why are you still single, she says why are you still married.
It's more about bad feelings than penis envy. The penis envy is a small bit of it, only mentioned in the beginning, really. (Castration comes later).
Philosophy and sociology aside, I liked reading about her and her family, especially her schizophrenic uncle. I found it interesting that she thinks she got rejected for a visa because she wasn't married and that she still subscribes to subjugating herself in the name of the game. I liked reading about the 'Harvard uniform' of red lipstick and short black skirts.
It's hard for me to explain the shifts in my thinking from reading this. That feeling good is part of neoliberal capitalism and the conundrum of porn in a post feminist (not post feminist world). And it has made me seriously want to down the size the amount to stuff I have as well.
#PenisEnvyAndOtherBadFeelings #NetGalley
This book offers a little bit of everything. I think it could be infinitely improved with shorter chapters and an overall less academic feel to it.
Ruti is a fantastic writer - easy to read and I spent most of it thinking how smart I am. She is exactly how I imagine someone from Finland to be - my only issue being, while she spends a lot (and I mean nearly 1/4 of the book) on the intro, making sure that the reader knows exactly where she stands and how she decides to use her own life, I don't like how she feels more American than not. I get it, being a dual citizen, but I'm American before I'll be any other nationality. That, and she just is so Finnish in her writing (or how I imagine a Finnish person to write. Straight, to the point and she can end chapters abruptly).
It is a really good companion piece to Inferior by Angela Saini. I highlighted tons of quotes. I liked especially when she is asked why are you still single, she says why are you still married.
It's more about bad feelings than penis envy. The penis envy is a small bit of it, only mentioned in the beginning, really. (Castration comes later).
Philosophy and sociology aside, I liked reading about her and her family, especially her schizophrenic uncle. I found it interesting that she thinks she got rejected for a visa because she wasn't married and that she still subscribes to subjugating herself in the name of the game. I liked reading about the 'Harvard uniform' of red lipstick and short black skirts.
It's hard for me to explain the shifts in my thinking from reading this. That feeling good is part of neoliberal capitalism and the conundrum of porn in a post feminist (not post feminist world). And it has made me seriously want to down the size the amount to stuff I have as well.
#PenisEnvyAndOtherBadFeelings #NetGalley
July 31, 2018
The great merit of Penis Envy and Other Feelings is how it brings academic advances and debates in critical theory (with a particularly feminist bent) to bear upon certain problems of everyday life, particularly involving inter-personal relationships and how one relates to oneself. Introducing readers to concepts such as happiness scripts (the well-trodden (exclusive?) paths to happiness that society endorses, regardless of their merit) and cruel optimism (the hopeless belief that working hard at something unpleasant will make it better), Prof. Ruti provides readers with the tools to interrogate issues in their lives. She explores issues taken for granted (e.g. gender dynamics) in addition to problematizing aspects of life that are taken-for-granted (.e.g that productivity is good, that beauty ideals are natural but not the result of capitalism).
Blending personal experiences (that, in the aggregate, gives insight into the author's character) with staunch analysis of contemporary life, augmented by academic theory Penis Envy and Other Bad Feelings is recommended to any reader willing to be challenged in their values, assumptions about what matters, and is willing to think a little bit.
While the cover may suggest that this book is geared toward a female audience, the reviewer (a cis-male) very much wants to emphasize that this book is beneficial and engaging for all readers.. Secondly, the fact that this book is published by an academic press should not discourage potential readers; it is an engaging book (as many academic books are) and can contribute to a multitude of discussions around success, gender, family, capitalism, social constructivism, the body, sex, and many more.
Blending personal experiences (that, in the aggregate, gives insight into the author's character) with staunch analysis of contemporary life, augmented by academic theory Penis Envy and Other Bad Feelings is recommended to any reader willing to be challenged in their values, assumptions about what matters, and is willing to think a little bit.
While the cover may suggest that this book is geared toward a female audience, the reviewer (a cis-male) very much wants to emphasize that this book is beneficial and engaging for all readers.. Secondly, the fact that this book is published by an academic press should not discourage potential readers; it is an engaging book (as many academic books are) and can contribute to a multitude of discussions around success, gender, family, capitalism, social constructivism, the body, sex, and many more.
July 18, 2024
It is a strange feeling to read a book that explains your own life to you. Having watched my own mother bear the brunt of housekeeping and child rearing while also working a full time job and seeing how frustrated and unhappy she was, I thought, “Hmmm, let me not do that.” (My dad also worked but spent 90% of his free time in his woodshop enjoying his hobbies.) Meeting many “great” guys who nevertheless weren’t conversant with their own emotions (or maybe they were but just wouldn’t converse with me about them), who insisted I was better at the mental labor of organizing plans and even one who told me I shouldn’t be on the computer when the floor needed scrubbing, I eventually thought, “Hmmm, let me not do that either.”
By the time I read this book, I’d already gotten where I needed to go, but Ruti’s perspective has helped me be more comfortable with my choices. This would be an especially great book for younger people wanting to understand the societal forces impacting their professional and romantic choices. Highly recommended.
By the time I read this book, I’d already gotten where I needed to go, but Ruti’s perspective has helped me be more comfortable with my choices. This would be an especially great book for younger people wanting to understand the societal forces impacting their professional and romantic choices. Highly recommended.
February 20, 2023
Read this after listening to a few theory podcasts Mari Ruti was a guest on and thought it would be a great hand holder for getting more into Lacan (it was). She is possibly the queen of the anti self-help "self-help" genre if that even exists. Excellent auto-theory style that made a few of the philosophical/psychoanalytic concepts that were new to me really easy to understand and remember because of how she wove them into her lore. Her Lacanian mantra lives in my brain forever now:
"- you're always already castrated; subjectivity equals
castration; learn to live with your lack; embrace the negativity that's in you; mastery is a fantasy, and so on."
Would love to get into the habit of reciting this to myself while doing calming yoga moves. Something to work on.
This book probably deserves 5 stars, but that lengthy middle section on gender and sexuality was so rough to get through and required a little skimming at times.
"- you're always already castrated; subjectivity equals
castration; learn to live with your lack; embrace the negativity that's in you; mastery is a fantasy, and so on."
Would love to get into the habit of reciting this to myself while doing calming yoga moves. Something to work on.
This book probably deserves 5 stars, but that lengthy middle section on gender and sexuality was so rough to get through and required a little skimming at times.
October 28, 2024
Mari Ruti was an absolute treasure and I admire her forever. This was academical yet candid, personal and fun and deep, taught me a lot of new things. Great criticism of capitalism, our self-centered culture and love, relationships and consumerism. I'm kind of an advocate of love, relationships and even marriage now, kind of. Very beautifully concluded.
October 27, 2020
What are we to do with bad feelings? Should we ignore them? Should we compartmentalize them? Should we indulge them? As Mari Ruti suggests in Penis Envy, an excellent piece of critical theory, far too many of our solutions to the problem of bad feelings come from capitalism's efficiency matrix. That is to say, bad feelings, while deeply inconvenient, may have a practical benefit for capitalism. Understanding and transcending bad feelings gesture to the power of the individual to succeed in the face of adversity. Maintaining equilibrium with regards to bad feelings allows us to be properly efficient. However, what we cannot do, what capitalism cannot abide, is overindulging bad feelings because bad feelings are not only inconvenient, but they are also inefficient. This is why Ruti celebrates bad feelings. She writes, "feeling bad can be a way to sidestep the creed of pragmatism that governs our society. If nothing else, bad feelings tend to slow down the pace of our days, making us think twice about what we're doing; they force us to push the pause button on our lives...Feeling anxious, disappointed, or disillusioned can have the same impact in the sense that these feelings cause us to examine the basic parameters of our lives, perhaps even prompting us to ask whether the life we're living is actually the life we want to live." Ruti is quite clear though; she does not suggest we should "court" bad feelings. Instead, she simply acknowledges that some bad feelings are impossible to surmount. Try as we might, we cannot escape lack, and we like Ruti should accept this distinctly Lacanian axiom.
Penis Envy is about far more than my introduction suggests. Suffice it to say, this is a stunning book that deftly blends critical theory and autobiography. I glanced at a couple of reviews before writing this one, and I am confused by two recurring criticisms. One, Penis Envy fails to acknowledge or advertise its psychoanalytic inclinations. I would encourage a prospective reader to reread the title. Two, a reader must be steeped in college-level critical theory discourses to understand Ruti's argument. I would disagree because Ruti's clarity and examples (many of these examples are harrowing personal experiences) effectively unpack many of the otherwise dense theoretical terms and ideas she explores.
I also want to acknowledge that as a narrowly-defined Freudian theoretical concept, penis envy is troubling. However, Ruti's exploration of penis envy has the effect of clarifying and revitalizing the concept. As she suggests, "if the cultural mythology surrounding the penis can make women feel deficient, it can make men feel like frauds." Therefore, as a cultural signifier, the phallus has the effect of staging both our individual and collective encounters with lack. Ruti continues, "So, on the one hand, no matter how illusory the power of the phallus may be, it remains fundamental to socially dominant masculinity. On the other hand, it's useful to recognize that no one--not even the guy with the biggest dick--can ever fully live up to ideals of phallic power. That's exactly why men can experience penis envy just as easily as women." By moving beyond Focaudian biopolitics (i.e., the body as the site of power, control, and influence), Ruti clarifies how unmistakably indebted to psychoanalytic Penis Envy is. But I will say this: if you find psychoanalysis a bit silly, just give Ruti's book a try. She uses personal experiences to render dense, theoretical jargon endlessly palatable.
Penis Envy is about far more than my introduction suggests. Suffice it to say, this is a stunning book that deftly blends critical theory and autobiography. I glanced at a couple of reviews before writing this one, and I am confused by two recurring criticisms. One, Penis Envy fails to acknowledge or advertise its psychoanalytic inclinations. I would encourage a prospective reader to reread the title. Two, a reader must be steeped in college-level critical theory discourses to understand Ruti's argument. I would disagree because Ruti's clarity and examples (many of these examples are harrowing personal experiences) effectively unpack many of the otherwise dense theoretical terms and ideas she explores.
I also want to acknowledge that as a narrowly-defined Freudian theoretical concept, penis envy is troubling. However, Ruti's exploration of penis envy has the effect of clarifying and revitalizing the concept. As she suggests, "if the cultural mythology surrounding the penis can make women feel deficient, it can make men feel like frauds." Therefore, as a cultural signifier, the phallus has the effect of staging both our individual and collective encounters with lack. Ruti continues, "So, on the one hand, no matter how illusory the power of the phallus may be, it remains fundamental to socially dominant masculinity. On the other hand, it's useful to recognize that no one--not even the guy with the biggest dick--can ever fully live up to ideals of phallic power. That's exactly why men can experience penis envy just as easily as women." By moving beyond Focaudian biopolitics (i.e., the body as the site of power, control, and influence), Ruti clarifies how unmistakably indebted to psychoanalytic Penis Envy is. But I will say this: if you find psychoanalysis a bit silly, just give Ruti's book a try. She uses personal experiences to render dense, theoretical jargon endlessly palatable.
July 12, 2025
"I'm acutely aware of how easy it is to use the American dream to fault those who can't get out of the mud, as so many of the American poor and racialized individuals can't; it's insidious to blame individuals for not being able to break out of a system that's rigged to ensure their defeat. But, as I've admitted, I'm also not entirely able to discard my personal mythology of rising from the ashes.
So I hold onto this mythology tentatively, with a degree of self-reproach, in the understanding that its rewards aren't available to everyone. And even when these rewards are accesible, they aren't reliable: good things rarely last and the Lacanian in me tells me that feeling lacking (castrated) is inevitable for those of us who don't want to (or can't) resort to fantasies of omnipotence. Indeed, a further problem with the Foucauldian approach is that it downplays this basic Lacanian insight. I certainly agree - and hope to have illustrated in this book - that our cultural enviroment and social inequalities can exacerbate the baseline malaise of human existence. But I wouldn't go as far as to argue that this malaise arises entirely from biopolitical manipulation, for this would imply that there's a way out, that a different society would completely dissolve our bad feelings. This seems unlikely.
If anything, it seems worth raising the possibility that when social critics present dissatisfaction primarily as a consequence of biopolitical manipulation - rather than admitting that at least some of it is an unavoidable part of the human condition - their discourse begins to converge with the pragmatic tenor of our society that tells us that every problem has a practical solution. After all, when people believe that bad feelings come with the territory of being human, they might not consider such feelings in need of a remedy. It's precisely when we begin to think that bad feelings are a pathology that invariably has an external cause - in this case, our social environment - that they become a problem that needs to be overcome. Some bad feelings certainly can be overcome. But others cannot. The Lacanian in me tells me that I need to accept this." (p.206-207).
So I hold onto this mythology tentatively, with a degree of self-reproach, in the understanding that its rewards aren't available to everyone. And even when these rewards are accesible, they aren't reliable: good things rarely last and the Lacanian in me tells me that feeling lacking (castrated) is inevitable for those of us who don't want to (or can't) resort to fantasies of omnipotence. Indeed, a further problem with the Foucauldian approach is that it downplays this basic Lacanian insight. I certainly agree - and hope to have illustrated in this book - that our cultural enviroment and social inequalities can exacerbate the baseline malaise of human existence. But I wouldn't go as far as to argue that this malaise arises entirely from biopolitical manipulation, for this would imply that there's a way out, that a different society would completely dissolve our bad feelings. This seems unlikely.
If anything, it seems worth raising the possibility that when social critics present dissatisfaction primarily as a consequence of biopolitical manipulation - rather than admitting that at least some of it is an unavoidable part of the human condition - their discourse begins to converge with the pragmatic tenor of our society that tells us that every problem has a practical solution. After all, when people believe that bad feelings come with the territory of being human, they might not consider such feelings in need of a remedy. It's precisely when we begin to think that bad feelings are a pathology that invariably has an external cause - in this case, our social environment - that they become a problem that needs to be overcome. Some bad feelings certainly can be overcome. But others cannot. The Lacanian in me tells me that I need to accept this." (p.206-207).
March 31, 2021
This book is great to read for getting into lacanians from a more casual perspective outside of the academic sphere. She presents concepts like ontological lack, the impossibility of ideal phallic power, etc in a fresh and contemporary way through rehabilitating freud's maligned concept of penis envy from a feminist perspective.
I was repeatedly frustrated by her politics, though. Her critique of capitalism is obviously coming from spending the last however many years in the academy, and she's very much a liberal. I think if the book had stayed in the realm of relationships, sexuality, gender liberation, and expanded on those it would have been stronger and more focused. As is, there's a lot that gives away what her thinking is like politically. (overuse of the word 'neoliberalism' to shy away from an anticapitalist critique, garden variety anticommunism [literally pulling out the "if you're communist why do you use a cell phone" line, though hilariously about a hotel room at a prestigious conference] and perhaps worst dismissing the need for revolutionary change with the alternative that social change will happen if we all just have the right concepts and think about things the right way)
I will say that I plan on checking out Ruti's other work, since I think this is one of the more overtly political texts and she has got me thinking about gender and sex in fresh ways that I find valuable, and I'd love to continue exploring that with less of the somewhat confused politics thrown in.
I was repeatedly frustrated by her politics, though. Her critique of capitalism is obviously coming from spending the last however many years in the academy, and she's very much a liberal. I think if the book had stayed in the realm of relationships, sexuality, gender liberation, and expanded on those it would have been stronger and more focused. As is, there's a lot that gives away what her thinking is like politically. (overuse of the word 'neoliberalism' to shy away from an anticapitalist critique, garden variety anticommunism [literally pulling out the "if you're communist why do you use a cell phone" line, though hilariously about a hotel room at a prestigious conference] and perhaps worst dismissing the need for revolutionary change with the alternative that social change will happen if we all just have the right concepts and think about things the right way)
I will say that I plan on checking out Ruti's other work, since I think this is one of the more overtly political texts and she has got me thinking about gender and sex in fresh ways that I find valuable, and I'd love to continue exploring that with less of the somewhat confused politics thrown in.
October 21, 2022
UPDATED REVIEW: Tuesday, December 27, 2022 (four stars)
Mari Ruti is a philosophy professor at the University of Toronto. She has Ivy-League credentials and speaks several languages. She grew up on the Finland-Russia border in the wake of the Soviet thaw. Her family was rather poor and their living conditions rather difficult. The Rutis bathed in ice-cold water and had to an outhouse for a bathroom. Their home was always freezing, Mari having the coldest room in the house.
Through hard work and study, Mari Ruti got a scholarship to both Harvard and Brown universities. She holds dual citizenship in Finland and Canada and though in offseason she has her home in the United States she has had extreme difficulties gaining citizenship, in spite of her years of living and working there.
Mari Ruti's story is emblematic of the American dream.
And yet Ruti acknowledges that her case is rare, the exception that proves the rule that the American dream is unattainable for most people, merely a dream. For most people, no matter how hard they work to get ahead, they will never be able to because they don't have the same advantages and starting position as the wealthiest of Americans.
Ruti begins her book with this personal story. The rest of the book proceeds to mix both her philosophical work and autobiography. This is one of the most remarkable aspects of this work, which is largely critical of what Ruti refers to as the Western "creed of pragmatism." According to Ruti, this creed of pragmatism is an admixture of consumer culture and "cruel optimism," which promises "that things will eventually get better even when they're extremely unlikely to do so."
Also part of this creed of pragmatism is the denial of bad feelings, our natural indicators that something is not quite right. Here Ruti makes use of psychoanalytic concepts such as "penis envy" and "castration." And here is where I think some readers might not be inclined to follow. Under the influence of French psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan, Ruti argues that these concepts can help us understand our modern condition. Penis envy, says Ruti, is the metaphorical desire to gain the status which typically male figures have in society. Ruti, following Lacan, thinks we all have this desire and we see it rear its ugly head anytime we want what others have. And we all experience castration, says Ruti, when we feel inadequate to live up to someone else's standards.
What to say about this? In my opinion, I wonder how helpful these metaphors are. They seem more like delight in mystification or wordplay. Plus it's hard to imagine these concepts functioning anywhere outside of college audiences. Could you honestly imagine telling your grandmother that her desire to acquire a watch she saw her preacher's wife wearing, bought by the preacher, is a prime example of penis envy? And what does it really add? It could be my failing but I just don't see it.
Some awkwardness regarding concepts aside, this is an interesting book, and I'm not disappointed about having read it. But in the end, I don't think Lacanian psychoanalysis helps very much as an antidote to consumer culture or late capitalism or what have you.
This is the best that I could in the book that is a summary of Lacanians offer us as antidote:
ORIGINAL REVIEW: October 21, 2022 (five stars)
In a world driven by money and advertising, where many people's personal identities are tied to their consumption habits, Mari Ruti wants to offer something of an antidote. Penis Envy and Other Bad Feelings is about how even before there was a consumer culture, people have felt they were lacking something or other. It's part of human nature to desire, and to that desire satisfied or frustrated. But whether satisfied or frustrated, the capacity for desiring never goes away. The trouble with consumer culture, Ruti argues, is the false promise that something will give us eternal satisfaction: a job, a partner, a commodity. The culture creates the bad feelings, we find ourselves caught in a rat race, and then that same culture tries to sell us false dreams to alleviate those bad feelings, but they never go away. Consumer society is the opiate of the masses.
Ruti wants to say that it's okay to have bad feelings. It's not that we ought to want to dwell in our bad feelings but in cases when we feel bad about our work, our relationships, our consumption habits, and so on, these are often windows that have opened up for us where we can seriously evaluate, sometimes reevaluate, what we have chosen as our objects of desire. One of the buzzwords Ruti attaches to this is "happiness scripts." She writes that so often we're attached to a happiness script that we don't realize is someone else's. Instead of throwing away the script and getting a new one, we blame ourselves.
The book does not offer easy solutions. In fact, Ruti believes that since we will always feel a lack at our very core, since it's part of the nature of desire, it's best to make peace with the fact. And part of the upside to this lack is that we can begin to appreciate the people we do have in our lives, the activities that already give us joy, and so on. Alternatively, we can teach ourselves to moderate our desire, to live more simply. Again, no easy answers. But rather than chastise ourselves for feeling bad, we can listen to these feelings, take a step back, reappraise, and do something about them.
Mari Ruti is a philosophy professor at the University of Toronto. She has Ivy-League credentials and speaks several languages. She grew up on the Finland-Russia border in the wake of the Soviet thaw. Her family was rather poor and their living conditions rather difficult. The Rutis bathed in ice-cold water and had to an outhouse for a bathroom. Their home was always freezing, Mari having the coldest room in the house.
Through hard work and study, Mari Ruti got a scholarship to both Harvard and Brown universities. She holds dual citizenship in Finland and Canada and though in offseason she has her home in the United States she has had extreme difficulties gaining citizenship, in spite of her years of living and working there.
Mari Ruti's story is emblematic of the American dream.
And yet Ruti acknowledges that her case is rare, the exception that proves the rule that the American dream is unattainable for most people, merely a dream. For most people, no matter how hard they work to get ahead, they will never be able to because they don't have the same advantages and starting position as the wealthiest of Americans.
Ruti begins her book with this personal story. The rest of the book proceeds to mix both her philosophical work and autobiography. This is one of the most remarkable aspects of this work, which is largely critical of what Ruti refers to as the Western "creed of pragmatism." According to Ruti, this creed of pragmatism is an admixture of consumer culture and "cruel optimism," which promises "that things will eventually get better even when they're extremely unlikely to do so."
Also part of this creed of pragmatism is the denial of bad feelings, our natural indicators that something is not quite right. Here Ruti makes use of psychoanalytic concepts such as "penis envy" and "castration." And here is where I think some readers might not be inclined to follow. Under the influence of French psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan, Ruti argues that these concepts can help us understand our modern condition. Penis envy, says Ruti, is the metaphorical desire to gain the status which typically male figures have in society. Ruti, following Lacan, thinks we all have this desire and we see it rear its ugly head anytime we want what others have. And we all experience castration, says Ruti, when we feel inadequate to live up to someone else's standards.
What to say about this? In my opinion, I wonder how helpful these metaphors are. They seem more like delight in mystification or wordplay. Plus it's hard to imagine these concepts functioning anywhere outside of college audiences. Could you honestly imagine telling your grandmother that her desire to acquire a watch she saw her preacher's wife wearing, bought by the preacher, is a prime example of penis envy? And what does it really add? It could be my failing but I just don't see it.
Some awkwardness regarding concepts aside, this is an interesting book, and I'm not disappointed about having read it. But in the end, I don't think Lacanian psychoanalysis helps very much as an antidote to consumer culture or late capitalism or what have you.
This is the best that I could in the book that is a summary of Lacanians offer us as antidote:
Sometimes our anxieties run deep, all the way down to the kinds of formative experiences that we can't always even remember. Add to these the impact of social inequalities and the challenges of everyday life in our performance-oriented society, and it may well be that when it comes to anxiety, the best most of us can do is strive, fail, and muddle along. Cruelly optimistic like the straight guy in relation to a woman's fantasized capacity for pleasure, we take up our task again and again (and again) only to find that detumescence sneaks in before we reach our goal. And then we live down exhausted. That is, we muddle along. Some of us become Lacanians because he teaches us to live with the idea that beyond a certain point, the point of avoidable anxieties, there's no cure. There's a perverse solace in that.Yay?
ORIGINAL REVIEW: October 21, 2022 (five stars)
In a world driven by money and advertising, where many people's personal identities are tied to their consumption habits, Mari Ruti wants to offer something of an antidote. Penis Envy and Other Bad Feelings is about how even before there was a consumer culture, people have felt they were lacking something or other. It's part of human nature to desire, and to that desire satisfied or frustrated. But whether satisfied or frustrated, the capacity for desiring never goes away. The trouble with consumer culture, Ruti argues, is the false promise that something will give us eternal satisfaction: a job, a partner, a commodity. The culture creates the bad feelings, we find ourselves caught in a rat race, and then that same culture tries to sell us false dreams to alleviate those bad feelings, but they never go away. Consumer society is the opiate of the masses.
Ruti wants to say that it's okay to have bad feelings. It's not that we ought to want to dwell in our bad feelings but in cases when we feel bad about our work, our relationships, our consumption habits, and so on, these are often windows that have opened up for us where we can seriously evaluate, sometimes reevaluate, what we have chosen as our objects of desire. One of the buzzwords Ruti attaches to this is "happiness scripts." She writes that so often we're attached to a happiness script that we don't realize is someone else's. Instead of throwing away the script and getting a new one, we blame ourselves.
The book does not offer easy solutions. In fact, Ruti believes that since we will always feel a lack at our very core, since it's part of the nature of desire, it's best to make peace with the fact. And part of the upside to this lack is that we can begin to appreciate the people we do have in our lives, the activities that already give us joy, and so on. Alternatively, we can teach ourselves to moderate our desire, to live more simply. Again, no easy answers. But rather than chastise ourselves for feeling bad, we can listen to these feelings, take a step back, reappraise, and do something about them.
December 10, 2018
Ruti’s book is engaging reading. Ruti questions contemporary “pragmatism” (with its socially determined happiness scripts) that keeps on trying with the hope that success will make the officers worthwhile which she describes as cruel optimism, following Berlant. She takes a Foucaultian perspective on questions of sex, gender, race, and class—reflecting on heteropatriarchy’s persistence and fatal flaws. She takes a Lacanian perspective on desire and lack at the heart of subjectivity. What sets the book apart is its autobiographical dimension, which supplements or even perhaps at times generates the argument (what is called “autotheory”). Ruti’s experience as a prolific scholar is mined extensively. At times her personal experience can sound a little precious. But maybe I just don’t want to envy her too much. Ruti offers some advice of her own about how to live within capitalism while not “advancing” it, such as decluttering and demanding clear relational boundaries. A light touch of Lacan and what remains relevant about Freud to our feminist and posthumanist moment.
September 25, 2023
Read this book, after seeing Mari Ruti’s obituary in the NYTimes. She wrote a lot of her own experiences and compared and contrasted it with findings of Freud, lacon. I enjoyed her writing on desire. I am not a scholar, so this book had lots of new ground for me on feminism, post- feminism… and I sometimes did not fully grasp the background information. However, I really enjoyed her side of the story. Why she decided to not get married. How desire moves us. And of course, her explanation of the importance of the penis in society. As a teacher, I know, it’s very text book given out, comes back with several penises drawn on its pages. She talks in detail about phallic forms.
It was an interesting book, that hit many cords. Especially feminist, gender studies, and somehow women’s rights. How women stand in society. And she explains it, by reflecting on her own life and growing up in remote Finnland. I saw it almost as her memoir, since she talked so much about her life and how it compared to all these theories.
It was an interesting book, that hit many cords. Especially feminist, gender studies, and somehow women’s rights. How women stand in society. And she explains it, by reflecting on her own life and growing up in remote Finnland. I saw it almost as her memoir, since she talked so much about her life and how it compared to all these theories.
July 28, 2018
This book took me quite some time to finish as it was considerably heavier a topic than I was expecting - and along with that came a great deal of academic writing, which I am unaccustomed to reading these days. The cover and title both give an initial first impression of a fun view on a serious topic, maybe something that Caitlin Moran might write. Instead, Ruti skips the puns and humor and goes straight for the psychological themes, including lots of history and words that I was thankful I could look up on my Kindle dictionary. All of this isn't to say its a bad book - I enjoyed it even for the lack of ease to read. Ruti brings up lots of good points and I spent much of the time between readings thinking on ideas that she brought up.
My final vote - read this book. Just be prepared for what it might take to read it and give yourself some time.
Thanks to the publisher for providing this ARC through Net Galley in exchange for an honest review.
My final vote - read this book. Just be prepared for what it might take to read it and give yourself some time.
Thanks to the publisher for providing this ARC through Net Galley in exchange for an honest review.
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