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Talking Across the Divide: How to Communicate with People You Disagree with and Maybe Even Change the World
A guide to learning how to communicate with people who have diametrically opposed opinions from you, how to empathize with them, and how to (possibly) change their minds
America is more polarized than ever. Whether the issue is Donald Trump, healthcare, abortion, gun control, breastfeeding, or even DC vs Marvel, it feels like you can't voice an opinion without ruffling someone's feathers. In today's digital age, it's easier than ever to build walls around yourself. You fill up your Twitter feed with voices that are angry about the same issues and believe as you believe. Before long, you're isolated in your own personalized echo chamber. And if you ever encounter someone outside of your bubble, you don't understand how the arguments that resonate so well with your peers can't get through to anyone else. In a time when every conversation quickly becomes a battlefield, it's up to us to learn how to talk to each other again.
In Talking Across the Divide, social justice activist Justin Lee explains how to break through the five key barriers that make people resist differing opinions. With a combination of psychological research, pop-culture references, and anecdotes from Justin's many years of experience mediating contentious conversations, this book will help you understand people on the other side of the argument and give you the tools you need to change their minds--even if they've fallen for "fake news."
America is more polarized than ever. Whether the issue is Donald Trump, healthcare, abortion, gun control, breastfeeding, or even DC vs Marvel, it feels like you can't voice an opinion without ruffling someone's feathers. In today's digital age, it's easier than ever to build walls around yourself. You fill up your Twitter feed with voices that are angry about the same issues and believe as you believe. Before long, you're isolated in your own personalized echo chamber. And if you ever encounter someone outside of your bubble, you don't understand how the arguments that resonate so well with your peers can't get through to anyone else. In a time when every conversation quickly becomes a battlefield, it's up to us to learn how to talk to each other again.
In Talking Across the Divide, social justice activist Justin Lee explains how to break through the five key barriers that make people resist differing opinions. With a combination of psychological research, pop-culture references, and anecdotes from Justin's many years of experience mediating contentious conversations, this book will help you understand people on the other side of the argument and give you the tools you need to change their minds--even if they've fallen for "fake news."
259 pages, Paperback
First published August 14, 2018
117 people are currently reading
2186 people want to read
About the author
Justin Lee
56 books102 followersJustin Lee is the founder and executive director of The Gay Christian Network (GCN), a nonprofit, interdenominational organization working to increase dialogue between gays and Christians and support people on both sides wrestling with related issues.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 93 reviews
March 9, 2024
There’s nothing awful about this book, it’s just that I thought it would be specifically about the political divide in the U.S. and instead it was a much more generic self-help book, and I always find self-help books to be basically pabulum. This is nice, well-meaning, and well-written pabulum, but still.
Talking across the Divide outlines the author’s techniques for engaging in constructive dialogue with people who disagree with him. Evidently, he does this for a living, with a specialty in facilitating dialogues between LGBTQ people and Evangelical Christians, and God bless him for undertaking such a draining and thankless task. In this book, though, he teaches in generalities, techniques for engaging with those who disagree with you about basically anything.
Some of the advice strikes me as smart. He has a disciplined way of listening, giving the other person the space to express themselves freely and really trying to see the world from their point of view. This kind of empathetic listening can be very valuable, and his thoughts on how to avoid interrupting (on the one hand) or putting too much emphasis on commonalities (on the other) is shrewd.
Where he lost me was in his emphasis on the use of storytelling as a way to move the needle of another’s person’s point of view. At the risk of typing myself as stereotypically on one side of the cultural and political divide, I always valorize statistics over anecdote as a way of getting at truth. I loathe the pattern of thinking that argues away all data and then is persuaded by a single personal story. The author may be correct that the story is much more persuasive, but I simply don’t want to live in a world where that is the case.
So in the end, my laborious plod through this book left me disappointed.
Talking across the Divide outlines the author’s techniques for engaging in constructive dialogue with people who disagree with him. Evidently, he does this for a living, with a specialty in facilitating dialogues between LGBTQ people and Evangelical Christians, and God bless him for undertaking such a draining and thankless task. In this book, though, he teaches in generalities, techniques for engaging with those who disagree with you about basically anything.
Some of the advice strikes me as smart. He has a disciplined way of listening, giving the other person the space to express themselves freely and really trying to see the world from their point of view. This kind of empathetic listening can be very valuable, and his thoughts on how to avoid interrupting (on the one hand) or putting too much emphasis on commonalities (on the other) is shrewd.
Where he lost me was in his emphasis on the use of storytelling as a way to move the needle of another’s person’s point of view. At the risk of typing myself as stereotypically on one side of the cultural and political divide, I always valorize statistics over anecdote as a way of getting at truth. I loathe the pattern of thinking that argues away all data and then is persuaded by a single personal story. The author may be correct that the story is much more persuasive, but I simply don’t want to live in a world where that is the case.
So in the end, my laborious plod through this book left me disappointed.
January 15, 2019
Reviewed for THC Reviews
When my church offered a six week, in-depth discussion and study of Talking Across the Divide, I decided to join in. I thought the book sounded interesting, especially in light of how polarized our society is right now. I think the only way we’re going to solve this problem is if we’re willing to listen to the other side and try to find common ground. But where does one start with this endeavor? Just thinking about it is daunting to me, and probably would be to most other people as well. I’m guessing that most fall into one of two groups: avoiders like me, who simply try to dodge talking about divisive topics, or arguers, who only add fuel to the fire by attacking and yelling at one another while not getting anywhere or changing anyone’s mind. I figured there had to be a better way, but I had no idea what it might be until picking up this book.
Author Justin Lee teaches readers all the necessary steps for engaging in a successful strategic dialogue. He shows step-by-step exactly how to talk with someone with whom we disagree and perhaps even persuade them to your way of thinking. He also explains in detail the five main barriers to effective communication, along with strategies that can be used to overcome them. There’s admittedly a lot of work that needs to go into having this type of dialogue, and it may not be for everyone. It may take a certain type of personality and most definitely a willingness to set aside one’s own ego before you can even get started. Most of the members of our discussion group seemed a little skeptical, feeling as though they’ve already talked themselves blue in the face and haven’t gotten anywhere, and I started out a little skeptical as well. But as I read more and more of the book, I genuinely came to believe these methods could work when the person using them is serious about the process. That said, though, it may not be a magic cure-all for every situation, and the author admits that. Even if it does work, it may also take time and multiple sessions of strategic dialogue to get the desired results.
Overall, I found Talking Across the Divide to be an excellent book if one is willing to put in the work. Mr. Lee is just such a person, who has made going into charged environments in an effort to get two opposing sides to dialogue his life’s mission. He’s also very talented at breaking down a difficult and confusing topic into easily understandable steps that the reader can take to find common ground with those with whom we might be in conflict. I also like that while he approaches it more from the standpoint of bridging political and social gaps, these techniques might also be useful and applicable to everyday situations as well, such as marital or workplace conflicts. Bottom line, if you find yourself at odds with someone, particularly someone you care about, then give this book a try. For now, I think I’m generally content to continue my avoidance techniques, but I know this may not work forever. So, this book is still definitely a keeper that I’ll certainly refer back to if I find myself in a situation where it’s necessary to dialogue with someone in order to make peace or to get across a point that’s too important to be swept under the rug.
When my church offered a six week, in-depth discussion and study of Talking Across the Divide, I decided to join in. I thought the book sounded interesting, especially in light of how polarized our society is right now. I think the only way we’re going to solve this problem is if we’re willing to listen to the other side and try to find common ground. But where does one start with this endeavor? Just thinking about it is daunting to me, and probably would be to most other people as well. I’m guessing that most fall into one of two groups: avoiders like me, who simply try to dodge talking about divisive topics, or arguers, who only add fuel to the fire by attacking and yelling at one another while not getting anywhere or changing anyone’s mind. I figured there had to be a better way, but I had no idea what it might be until picking up this book.
Author Justin Lee teaches readers all the necessary steps for engaging in a successful strategic dialogue. He shows step-by-step exactly how to talk with someone with whom we disagree and perhaps even persuade them to your way of thinking. He also explains in detail the five main barriers to effective communication, along with strategies that can be used to overcome them. There’s admittedly a lot of work that needs to go into having this type of dialogue, and it may not be for everyone. It may take a certain type of personality and most definitely a willingness to set aside one’s own ego before you can even get started. Most of the members of our discussion group seemed a little skeptical, feeling as though they’ve already talked themselves blue in the face and haven’t gotten anywhere, and I started out a little skeptical as well. But as I read more and more of the book, I genuinely came to believe these methods could work when the person using them is serious about the process. That said, though, it may not be a magic cure-all for every situation, and the author admits that. Even if it does work, it may also take time and multiple sessions of strategic dialogue to get the desired results.
Overall, I found Talking Across the Divide to be an excellent book if one is willing to put in the work. Mr. Lee is just such a person, who has made going into charged environments in an effort to get two opposing sides to dialogue his life’s mission. He’s also very talented at breaking down a difficult and confusing topic into easily understandable steps that the reader can take to find common ground with those with whom we might be in conflict. I also like that while he approaches it more from the standpoint of bridging political and social gaps, these techniques might also be useful and applicable to everyday situations as well, such as marital or workplace conflicts. Bottom line, if you find yourself at odds with someone, particularly someone you care about, then give this book a try. For now, I think I’m generally content to continue my avoidance techniques, but I know this may not work forever. So, this book is still definitely a keeper that I’ll certainly refer back to if I find myself in a situation where it’s necessary to dialogue with someone in order to make peace or to get across a point that’s too important to be swept under the rug.
September 2, 2018
This is pretty good. Nice break down of steps and easy to read.
May 25, 2019
4.5
I would say everyone has to read this book, but the amazing thing about it is that it's written with the mindset that people won't read it. Lee lays out a method to approach strategic dialogue so that we can lovingly and respectfully communicate with people who we struggle to agree with. Filled with confidence, hope, and empowerment Talking Across The Divide is a smooth quick read that gives you the tools to navigate conversations in a way that can be productive and not damaging. The more people who do read this book though, the better off we all would be.
I would say everyone has to read this book, but the amazing thing about it is that it's written with the mindset that people won't read it. Lee lays out a method to approach strategic dialogue so that we can lovingly and respectfully communicate with people who we struggle to agree with. Filled with confidence, hope, and empowerment Talking Across The Divide is a smooth quick read that gives you the tools to navigate conversations in a way that can be productive and not damaging. The more people who do read this book though, the better off we all would be.
August 17, 2021
Lee is brilliant when it comes to interpersonal rhetoric. This is such a great introduction to so many ideas that I've had to work out a lot on my own. I deeply respect Lee's ability to bring groups of people together who disagree strongly and actually listen to each other. This is a rare but much needed talent.
January 19, 2024
A valiant mission. Strategic dialogue is a good idea. I don’t disagree with what the author is saying, I just don’t find that this is a convincing argument for a scalable solution. His proof of success is mainly anecdotal and relies on his particular niche circumstances, which are not generalizable. To give him credit, he is upfront about all this and about how futile it is to try to change closed minds. He is right though that it’s not okay to just let evil misinformed ideas propagate unopposed, so I guess we can pick our battles and plant seeds of truth when we can. And when we try, it probably helps to follow his advice.
The problem is even bigger than the political/religious one he focuses on.
There’s a TED Talk about what if feels like to be wrong, and the point is it feels great. It’s admitting you’re wrong that feels lousy and so people in general don’t want to do that anywhere. Somehow we need to transition to a culture of leadership and learning vs. one of corruption and incompetence.
The problem is even bigger than the political/religious one he focuses on.
There’s a TED Talk about what if feels like to be wrong, and the point is it feels great. It’s admitting you’re wrong that feels lousy and so people in general don’t want to do that anywhere. Somehow we need to transition to a culture of leadership and learning vs. one of corruption and incompetence.
August 9, 2018
While I typically refrain from reviewing or rating books I’m assigned for work, this one really knocked it out of the park for me. I’ve more or less given up on trying to communicate with “the other side”—both in real life and online. I haven’t found an effective way to do it nor do I find I can do it for very long without getting anxious or my blood boiling. It’s not healthy, and I imagine a lot of other folks feel that way too. This is where Justin Lee’s ideas on “strategic dialogue” come into play, as well as his exploration of the “five barriers” that prevent us from reaching the other person.
While this is really a guide for one-on-one, in-person communicating, I could see how someone could refine their skills enough to do it on the fly or even with larger groups. It also helps you think of your own barriers and shortcomings, allowing you to think of these conversations from another perspective. It’s NOT about agreeing that everyone is right or that all beliefs hold equal value or weight; it’s about combatting misinformation with tact, and about bringing empathy into the equation. He proves that logic does have a place, even with those who say or do or believe illogical things. I think I have a long way to go before I can successfully dialogue, but this book gives me hope that it’s possible and that more people in this world want to do it. In a landscape where meaningful dialogue has been replaced with divisive memes, this book holds real value in teaching us how to break through partisanship and really change people’s minds. Highly recommended.
While this is really a guide for one-on-one, in-person communicating, I could see how someone could refine their skills enough to do it on the fly or even with larger groups. It also helps you think of your own barriers and shortcomings, allowing you to think of these conversations from another perspective. It’s NOT about agreeing that everyone is right or that all beliefs hold equal value or weight; it’s about combatting misinformation with tact, and about bringing empathy into the equation. He proves that logic does have a place, even with those who say or do or believe illogical things. I think I have a long way to go before I can successfully dialogue, but this book gives me hope that it’s possible and that more people in this world want to do it. In a landscape where meaningful dialogue has been replaced with divisive memes, this book holds real value in teaching us how to break through partisanship and really change people’s minds. Highly recommended.
Read
April 3, 2019Some very interesting points, although I don’t know how successful I will be if I attempt to have some of these conversations. I definitely fall into the “echo chamber” category of listening to news that I agree with and talking to friends who share my views. My UU church has chosen this book to discuss this month and I will attend to hear what everyone else thinks. I think I need to reread it multiple times to internalize the strategies.
February 20, 2020
A gentle and practical way to bridge the gap when dealing with people who disagree with you. I liked his storytelling approach and his honesty, and he obviously has a ton of experience with having tough conversations with people who dislike or even hate him. It was a bit dry, and it felt overly long. I ended up skimming through to the end just because it felt redundant.
June 2, 2020
Understand the other side Is crucial in each dialogue. When preparing your dialogue, keep in mind the five barriers to success: ego protection, team loyalty, comfort, misinformation, and worldview protection.
I like the idea and the actual thought to understand and engage based on those five barriers.
I like the idea and the actual thought to understand and engage based on those five barriers.
June 20, 2020
I don't know about changing the world but I wish i'd gotten further in this book sooner, perhaps some of the divisive (coronavirus/race/politics) discussions i've had over the past few weeks would have gone at least marginally better.
I was disappointed at the beginning of the book. I didn't think it was going to be applicable to me at all. It seemed more applicable to moderating panel discussions between groups or for face-to-face planned sitdown discussions to intentionally have a dialogue about a point of disagreement... I was more interested in how i could have unplanned socially distanced discussions about hard topics and still be on speaking terms at the end.
It ended up being very practical and useful. the latter two thirds of the book focus on how to have strategic dialogue with people who don't agree with you. So many of the things he points out are places i can see many of my discussions went off the rails... the point where myself of the other person really dug our heels in or got defensive. I think i need to reread this book a second time.
I was disappointed at the beginning of the book. I didn't think it was going to be applicable to me at all. It seemed more applicable to moderating panel discussions between groups or for face-to-face planned sitdown discussions to intentionally have a dialogue about a point of disagreement... I was more interested in how i could have unplanned socially distanced discussions about hard topics and still be on speaking terms at the end.
It ended up being very practical and useful. the latter two thirds of the book focus on how to have strategic dialogue with people who don't agree with you. So many of the things he points out are places i can see many of my discussions went off the rails... the point where myself of the other person really dug our heels in or got defensive. I think i need to reread this book a second time.
March 7, 2019
A well-written and timely book that every American and human ought to read. Justin Lee deals with the problem of how to communicate with people with whom you disagree. We live in an echo-chamber world, where we get to choose our "news" sources by how well they reinforce our views rather than how well they present the facts. This leads to argument rather than discussion, conflict rather than resolution. He promotes what he calls "strategic dialogue" as a means to enhance communication.
Lee identifies five major barriers to strategic dialogue: Ego Protection, Team Loyalty, Comfort, Misinformation, and Worldview Protection. But he doesn't stop with simply identifying these barriers, he gives practical advice on how to lower them such that honest discussion can take place. The tips and tools are critical skills that all of us can put to use in our daily lives. I've already begun integrating them into my thought processes and how I communicate with others.
Lee identifies five major barriers to strategic dialogue: Ego Protection, Team Loyalty, Comfort, Misinformation, and Worldview Protection. But he doesn't stop with simply identifying these barriers, he gives practical advice on how to lower them such that honest discussion can take place. The tips and tools are critical skills that all of us can put to use in our daily lives. I've already begun integrating them into my thought processes and how I communicate with others.
January 5, 2019
Justin Lee writes from years of experience building relationships with people of strongly divergent beliefs. The book helpfully breaks down the main obstacles to dialogue across polarizing divides, with interesting and relevant references to psychological/social science research. Like his first book, Torn, it’s engaging and well written, but this book is applicable to navigating any area of disagreement, whether political or personal. Lee shares anecdotes from his work among evangelical Christians and the LGBTQ community, but also draws widely from other areas.
If more people read and practiced these teachings, America would be in a much healthier state. I am challenged to try to put them into practice in my own life.
If more people read and practiced these teachings, America would be in a much healthier state. I am challenged to try to put them into practice in my own life.
June 19, 2020
A fairly good overview of how to have a discussion with people with whom you disagree. It is a basic course in disagreeing without being disagreeable. I appreciate that the author does not push any agenda, but is just trying to help people get along, whatever the issue upon which they disagree. I also appreciate that he insists that it is not just a matter of everybody being entitled to their opinion. There are decided truths, and those who fall on the wrong side of truths need to be informed. As one writer put it, People may be entitled to their own opinions, but they are not entitled to their own facts. I hope this books helps many people come to civil discourse about difficult issues.
April 24, 2019
People usually argue over positions - but it's much easier to get alignment on interests.
Some notes...
Steps for successful dialogue:
1 - Preparation: Prepare yourself, your dialogue partner and the space you’re in.
2 - Dialogue Use strategic listening, storytelling and repeating them to break down barriers.
3 - Next Steps Make an ask, debrief, evaluate and repeat the entire process again.
Barriers to dialogue:
- Ego protection
- Team loyalty
- Comfort
- Misinformation
- Worldview protection
September 23, 2018
This was a good, practical read on how to take those debates that go nowhere (mostly on social media) and turn them into practical, if not flourishing, conversations. In a time where I've become so frustrated with perspectives that i would rather just not engage, Lee provides a basic approach helps to move from polarization to at least sitting across the table from one another and beginning to address the big hairy awkward topics.
June 26, 2019
Everyone should read this book!
Justin Lee’s presentation of how to dialogue with those who hold different views than you is timely and important and easily accessible for all. I highly, highly recommend.
Justin Lee’s presentation of how to dialogue with those who hold different views than you is timely and important and easily accessible for all. I highly, highly recommend.
August 20, 2018
insightful. i have learned something about how one can reach out to others who may have different opinions or beliefs than you.
September 13, 2018
Short book full of helpful ways to have gracious, fruitful conversations.
October 29, 2018
Such a timely and important book at a time when everyone is becoming more polarized and nobody knows how to talk to others.
January 21, 2020
Excellent strategies and advice, but the subject was drier than my skin in winter.
May 29, 2020
Nothing new
August 30, 2021
Most books that attempt to describe a process that one should take to do something, whether it’s grow vegetables or cash in on a get-rich scheme, succeed or fail in the ability of the reader to realistically see themselves taking those steps and understand what they would do to see the process through. Part of the difficulty is that most hands-on tasks are understood in the “doing”, not the “read about doing.” A book trying to describe how to successfully dialogue with people who do not agree with you is indeed open to these problems. Thankfully, Justin Lee has pulled off the near impossible and written a heartfelt and readable (and relatable) guide to tackling heavy, emotional conversations with people you don’t see eye to eye with yet may be the most important people in your life.
The key is listening to the other side: understanding what they believe and why not only helps you understand them, but also they feel they have been heard and it then opens up a wider dialogue. Debating vs. dialogue is covered, as is the pitfalls and how to be realistic; you can’t make someone change their mind or behaviour - they need to want to do that. It is an ultimately hopeful book that stresses that making the attempt at dialogue is better than having made no attempt at all.
I highly recommend this book for everyone, because frankly, everyone needs it these days.
The key is listening to the other side: understanding what they believe and why not only helps you understand them, but also they feel they have been heard and it then opens up a wider dialogue. Debating vs. dialogue is covered, as is the pitfalls and how to be realistic; you can’t make someone change their mind or behaviour - they need to want to do that. It is an ultimately hopeful book that stresses that making the attempt at dialogue is better than having made no attempt at all.
I highly recommend this book for everyone, because frankly, everyone needs it these days.
January 29, 2023
An easy-to-read, practical guide on having conversations with people you disagree with. Nothing too ground breaking, but I like how the book outlined many strategies for having divisive conversations all in one accessible book with examples and helpful anecdotes.
A great read for before holiday dinners with opinionated extended family members.
A great read for before holiday dinners with opinionated extended family members.
August 28, 2022
This book had a lot of good information/thoughts in having a conversation with people you don’t agree. Everyone needs to read this book. Our world is losing the art of conversation and learning from each other.
January 15, 2021
Good, easy read with practical suggestions about how to have meaningful conversations with people you disagree with. Cliffs Notes: listen better and tell stories.
September 9, 2022
This is a great book that reminds me of another one I read that's probably on my revisit-annually-list. There are several great ideas shared on how to engage in productive dialogue with those you don't agree with.
June 7, 2020
[Audiobook] Can everyone please go out and get this book right away? As I write this, North America is in the wake of the death of George Floyd and the latest wave of Black Lives Matter protests. Trump continues to polarize. We are having important conversations, but are we having them in an echo chamber? As digital media takes over from print, we’re not even reading the same news anymore. It’s not rare to see a social media post that basically says “if you don’t agree, unfriend me.” The cycle continues, and the divide deepens. This books underlines the importance of talking to each other again, and gives tips on how to do it. Justin Lee is well positioned to speak on this topic as a Southern Baptist Christian and a gay male. This book may very well be the sleeper must-read for our generation.
June 19, 2020
I've long admired Justin Lee's ability to address heated topics with grace, nuance, and clear communication. His first book, Torn, remains one of the best introductions to the intersection of Christianity and homosexuality. Now he's taken the lessons from his long career building bridges between the conservative Christian community and the LGBTQ community to talk about strategies for better understanding people with different viewpoints. Perhaps most importantly, he begins with a discussion about why this is a valuable endeavor, why pursuing truth and making a difference in the world requires more than just working around those who disagree with you. He also acknowledges that this is the more difficult path to take, that it requires a conscious choice and lots of self-care to be sustainable.
The book addresses both how to set the stage for a productive conversation with someone you disagree with, and five main obstacles you're likely to encounter, with suggestions for preparing with each one. This means that the strategies Lee shares are mainly aimed at an intentional, one-on-one conversation set up for the purposes of discussing the area of disagreement. I found this framing a little bit challenging because it means that the strategies have to be adapted if you want to use them in the kinds of conversations where (in my experience) you're most likely to encounter differing opinions — an offhand comment made by a coworker, an acquaintance at a party, or a relative at a holiday gathering. I think the ideas in the book are applicable, but Lee doesn't always directly show how they can be used on the fly.
I particularly liked the section near the end about defining your "ask." Lee talks about how it's unrealistic for your goal to be the complete uprooting of a person's entire belief system to replace with your own. When you know what your immediate goal is — stop using that word, support this bill, don't mock my beliefs — you can limit how much change you're asking for at once and be able to define whether you've made any progress. Lee also, importantly, makes sure to say that none of this will work if you're not willing to reconsider your own beliefs and information sources, or else you're not truly open to listening and the whole exercise is a sham. Based on everything else I've read or heard about opinion change, Lee's suggestions — start with listening, tell stories, look for tiny changes — are well aimed and clearly outlined.
I had one major difficulty with this book, and that's that Justin Lee leans very heavily on his own particular sphere, the intersection of Christian communities and LGBTQ communities. It's clear that he has that specific conflict in mind with many of the points he makes, and while he does share personal examples in other areas, they don't have the same gravity as the ones surrounding his identity as a gay Christian and his longtime work in that area. This means he conflates what I see as two distinct types of conflict: communities that don't understand each other, and belief systems that are directly at odds. Yes, the conservative Christian community as a whole holds stereotypes about the LGBTQ community, and vice versa, but you can also be a gay Christian standing at the intersection of those two communities and helping them better understand one another. You could potentially equate this with a biracial person who helps communities of two different races better understand each other. There is no equivalent of a person who both believes climate change isn't happening and fights to stop climate change, or a person who believes we should welcome all immigrants and we should make it difficult to immigrate here. Because Lee's work has been largely about building bridges between two different but not mutually exclusive communities, some of his advice falls apart when trying to apply it to differing belief systems, and I wish that distinction had been made clearer.
On the whole, I think this is a valuable book that provides clear steps for broaching conversations with those who disagree with you. Although at times it's a bit simplistic or focuses too much on a specific type of conflict, still I think the takeaways are broad-ranging and the book is worth reading for anyone who's willing to put in the time and effort to chip away at the polarization rampant in our current age as a way to make the world a better place for everyone.
The book addresses both how to set the stage for a productive conversation with someone you disagree with, and five main obstacles you're likely to encounter, with suggestions for preparing with each one. This means that the strategies Lee shares are mainly aimed at an intentional, one-on-one conversation set up for the purposes of discussing the area of disagreement. I found this framing a little bit challenging because it means that the strategies have to be adapted if you want to use them in the kinds of conversations where (in my experience) you're most likely to encounter differing opinions — an offhand comment made by a coworker, an acquaintance at a party, or a relative at a holiday gathering. I think the ideas in the book are applicable, but Lee doesn't always directly show how they can be used on the fly.
I particularly liked the section near the end about defining your "ask." Lee talks about how it's unrealistic for your goal to be the complete uprooting of a person's entire belief system to replace with your own. When you know what your immediate goal is — stop using that word, support this bill, don't mock my beliefs — you can limit how much change you're asking for at once and be able to define whether you've made any progress. Lee also, importantly, makes sure to say that none of this will work if you're not willing to reconsider your own beliefs and information sources, or else you're not truly open to listening and the whole exercise is a sham. Based on everything else I've read or heard about opinion change, Lee's suggestions — start with listening, tell stories, look for tiny changes — are well aimed and clearly outlined.
I had one major difficulty with this book, and that's that Justin Lee leans very heavily on his own particular sphere, the intersection of Christian communities and LGBTQ communities. It's clear that he has that specific conflict in mind with many of the points he makes, and while he does share personal examples in other areas, they don't have the same gravity as the ones surrounding his identity as a gay Christian and his longtime work in that area. This means he conflates what I see as two distinct types of conflict: communities that don't understand each other, and belief systems that are directly at odds. Yes, the conservative Christian community as a whole holds stereotypes about the LGBTQ community, and vice versa, but you can also be a gay Christian standing at the intersection of those two communities and helping them better understand one another. You could potentially equate this with a biracial person who helps communities of two different races better understand each other. There is no equivalent of a person who both believes climate change isn't happening and fights to stop climate change, or a person who believes we should welcome all immigrants and we should make it difficult to immigrate here. Because Lee's work has been largely about building bridges between two different but not mutually exclusive communities, some of his advice falls apart when trying to apply it to differing belief systems, and I wish that distinction had been made clearer.
On the whole, I think this is a valuable book that provides clear steps for broaching conversations with those who disagree with you. Although at times it's a bit simplistic or focuses too much on a specific type of conflict, still I think the takeaways are broad-ranging and the book is worth reading for anyone who's willing to put in the time and effort to chip away at the polarization rampant in our current age as a way to make the world a better place for everyone.
January 7, 2019
After the last two books I finished, I needed a change of pace so I decided to pickup a nonfiction book. This was new on my pile and I liked the premise of it so I figured it was a good pick.
Overall, I think it was a good book. I liked all the ideas/approaches he introduces in the book and I felt that, in general, he was pretty realistic about how tough it can be to talk across the divide. He clearly has experience with this. ( Though I will say while I liked the E.T. example as a way to show how people might have different stories they have accumulated in their life, I felt that telling me to have them watch E.T. was too simplistic for the example he was giving. That was the one time in the book he completely lost me.)
The reason I gave this 3 stars is really because there wasn't much new here for me. I'm lucky enough to have a wide range of interests and friends from a wide range of backgrounds. This has taught me that people I love and respect can have wildly different opinions/perspectives than I do. Having such a variety of people in my life has helped me work on some of these tactics and has helped me be more open to listening because as Brené Brown often mentions, it's hard to disregard someone's thoughts/opinions/words if you know them as a human being. Not that I always get it right, of course, but I've done a lot of growing up in the last twenty years and I am aware that things are a lot more complicated than they might seem and I have but my stories, perspectives, experiences so it's important for me to remember that those are not the only ones there are in the world.
Anyhow, these are good books for me to read. Good reminders to keep an open mind, to listen, to care, to remember to not perpetuate a divide. As my favorite Ram Dass saying goes: We are all just walking each other home.
Overall, I think it was a good book. I liked all the ideas/approaches he introduces in the book and I felt that, in general, he was pretty realistic about how tough it can be to talk across the divide. He clearly has experience with this. ( Though I will say while I liked the E.T. example as a way to show how people might have different stories they have accumulated in their life, I felt that telling me to have them watch E.T. was too simplistic for the example he was giving. That was the one time in the book he completely lost me.)
The reason I gave this 3 stars is really because there wasn't much new here for me. I'm lucky enough to have a wide range of interests and friends from a wide range of backgrounds. This has taught me that people I love and respect can have wildly different opinions/perspectives than I do. Having such a variety of people in my life has helped me work on some of these tactics and has helped me be more open to listening because as Brené Brown often mentions, it's hard to disregard someone's thoughts/opinions/words if you know them as a human being. Not that I always get it right, of course, but I've done a lot of growing up in the last twenty years and I am aware that things are a lot more complicated than they might seem and I have but my stories, perspectives, experiences so it's important for me to remember that those are not the only ones there are in the world.
Anyhow, these are good books for me to read. Good reminders to keep an open mind, to listen, to care, to remember to not perpetuate a divide. As my favorite Ram Dass saying goes: We are all just walking each other home.
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