Lost in America: A Journey with My Father

by Sherwin B. Nuland

A writer renowned for his insight into the mysteries of the body now gives us a lambent and profoundly moving book about the mysteries of family. At its center lies Sherwin Nuland’s Rembrandtesque portrait of his father, Meyer Nudelman, a Jewish garment worker who came to America in the early years of the last century but remained an eternal outsider. Awkward in speech and movement, broken by the premature deaths of a wife and child, Meyer ruled his youngest son with a regime of rage, dependency, and helpless love that outlasted his death.

In evoking their relationship, Nuland also summons up the warmth and claustrophobia of a vanished immigrant New York, a world that impelled its children toward success yet made them feel like traitors for leaving it behind. Full of feeling and unwavering observation, Lost in America deserves a place alongside such classics as Patrimony and Call It Sleep .

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Biography, American, Jewish, Health

224 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2003

About the author

Sherwin Nuland was an American surgeon and author who taught bioethics and medicine at the Yale University School of Medicine. He was the author of The New York Times bestseller and National Book Award winning How We Die, and has also written for The New Yorker, The New York Times, The New Republic, Time, and the New York Review of Books.

His NYTimes obit: http://nyti.ms/1kxNtQC

Reviews

[Elyse Walters · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sherwin B. Nuland, was an American medical surgeon and writer who taught
bioethics, history of medicine, and medicine at Yale School of medicine.

I've owned his National Book-Award, and Pulitzer Finalist, "How We Die, Reflections of Life's Final Chapter", for years, and shamefully haven't read it yet, but
"Lost In America".....is the book choice that my Jewish book club is reading for March.
Sherwin died at the age of 83...... just three years ago in 2014.

"Lost in America" is a an immigrant memoir. Sherwin said, "I am writing this book to help me come to terms with my father. I am finally making peace with him, and perhaps myself". This book was written in 2003.
When I finished this heart wrenching father/son story... I couldn't help but think....
"Whew, bless Sherwin.. this amazing gifted contributor to many.... this man who dedicated his life serving others doing good in the world .... might have had a decade of authentic inner peace from writing this book before 'he' died". I sure hope so!

Sherwin's father was in the garment business in America- but always remained an outsider. The loss of his first son at three years of age, whom Sherwin never met, may have been a tragedy that affected Sherwin more than any other tragedy in his father's life. His father was a changed man after that death - never recovered. The sadness of how that tragedy hurt so many people - hurts me to my bones too.

One of my very closest friends lost her son three years ago - I did everything - everything I could to be supportive. The last six weeks of his death - we were in communication at least an hour a day - she lives 10 minutes from me. After he died - I only saw her twice more. Beautiful two times together - special evenings - but in the end - she no longer wants my friendship .... Love is in our hearts for each other - but we are no longer active friends.
She can't. She just can't. It's taken me a few years to morn 'her' loss. I've missed her terribly-- she and her husband were our very close friends. - I've tried to understand 'why'... I may never fully know the 'full' reason... but these words from
Sherwin B. Nuland is a great reminder - a comfort - a support for 'everyone' in the area of inner peace and forgiveness.:

Sherwin was graceful writer. He wrote:
"Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a great battle"

[David P · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the story of Meyer Nudelman, who emigrated to America in search of a better life but ended with hard work, chronic sickness, poverty and trouble. Lost in America, indeed: to the end of his life, his main language remained Yiddish, supplemented by mangled English hidden behind a thick accent.

It is also the growing-up story of the book's author, Meyer's son Sherwin Nuland, initially Shabtai ("Shepsl") Nudelman, named for the day of Sabbath. Sherwin's story tells of an American success --Yale medical school, successful career in surgery, acclaimed author ("Doctors: the Biography of Medicine", "How We Die" etc.), success that gave Meyer rare "naches" (comfort) in his waning years. Subtitled "A Journey with my Father," this is a son's candid tribute.

Nuland grew up in New York, sharing a Bronx apartment with older brother Harvey, also his father, unmarried aunt Rosa, vigorous grandmother "Bubbeh," and until her death shortly after his 11th birthday, his mother. Family life was not easy during the depression and war; adult members worked at low-paying jobs in the garment industry, true to the Yiddish name "Nudelman" which meant "Needleman." Meyer's Illness made walking difficult, and he grew to be increasingly dependent on the escort of his young son, yet he also had an explosive temper, which young Sherwin ("Shoifin!!") dreaded. What kept the household functioning, especially after the mother died, was the stalwart persistence of Rosa and Bubbeh, and occasional help from Meyer's doctor cousin Willie, a constant background presence who helped the family weather medical emergencies.

A tough upbringing, yet one softened by the glow of youth, by good schools in the Bronx, by the discovery of literature and writing, by circles of friends ("gangs" in those days) and by positive experiences. One such experience was initiated by a well-to-do relative with a son of the same age. He invited Sherwin to spend a week of his winter vacation with his family, and that was a great success. Shortly afterward the friend and his wife visited Meyer's household and offered to take Sherwin to their own home, to live with their son. Rosa and Bubbeh thought it was a great opportunity, but Meyer icily turned it down. "Who dey tink dey ah? Dey tink vot I dunt know ha to be ah fahderr?"

Sherwin stayed with his dad, but help from family and part-time jobs added to his independence and guided him to medical school. The study of medicine opened his eyes to the unexpected source of Meyer's chronic affliction, but by then he had already broken free of his dad's domination, leaving only the duty and love of a son towards a hapless father.

All this took place inside a community of Jewish immigrants, rooted in old-time religion and in Yiddish culture, a society of Jews too deep in drudgery to engage in any scholarship except to admire it from afar. That life is lucidly described, including the day in 1947 when Meyer picked up a newsstand copy of the "Jewish Daily Forward" and read with shock how the community of his European relatives was exterminated in a single day by Nazi soldiers.

This book deserves to be read slowly, chapter by chapter. It traces the author's path out of his Bronx neighborhood and his efforts to remain true to his cultural roots and his father, and at the same time, expand his horizons in medicine, history and American culture. An exquisite book, meticulously written.

[Erin Bottger (Bouma) · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Lost in America" is a book I stumbled upon at the library. I'd never heard of it or its author.
Now that I've finished it, I'm so glad it came into my life and gave me an experience that broadened my world. Though, I must admit, I was tested by the first chapter which dwells on Nuland's adult experience of extended deep depression leading to shock therapy. I found the opening uninteresting and depressing.

But, by the second chapter Nuland begins getting into his family history and his earliest memories.
"The truth is not to be known. The only certainty is that the remembered sequence of images from that terrifying afternoon almost seventy years ago is inseparable from the dread of my father's coming rage, it is inseparable from the sense that Momma and I cowered in anticipation of its outburst just as we would cower in the torrential fear of my father's wrath when it finally came.

"Looking back on my earliest remembered years, I see my parents far less as a couple than as a source of two quite disparate emotions--emotions of golden safety with one and sporadic danger with the other. They originated from Momma, who lived only for me, and Daddy, who never quite understood how to be my father."

Shepsel (Sherwin) is born into a troubled household of East European emigres living in Bronx, New York City, with an older brother Hershel (Harvey), Momma and Daddy, maternal Aunt Rose and grandmother, Bubbeh. The mother tongue is Yiddish and their daily life reflected "the worldview of the ghettoized Jews of Russia [which] pervaded the spoken and unspoken teachings transmitted."

The two clans, Meyer Nudelman's side (and mysterious childhood in Novoselitz, Bessarabia) and Vitsche Lutsky's side (from Novaradugk, Lithuania) were a study in contrasts and sometimes in conflict. Nuland's mother played the role of mediator between her frustrated husband and her sister and mother who had little respect for him. After Sherwin's mother's illness and tragic death when he was eleven, there was major stress on the whole household but maiden Aunt Rose stepped into the vacuum of household management.

"But all was not fear and danger. Far from it, for at the same time I was a child imbued with a sense of his envelopment within a nurturing protectiveness, and by this I do not mean only my mother's. I lived in a fragile cocoon, but it was a cocoon nevertheless. To Bubbeh, to Aunt Rose, and even to my father, we three children-- Harvey and I and my cousin, Arline-- represented, I came to realize much later, their only triumph over the series of hardships that emigration to the United States had inflicted on them Illness, death, financial struggle-- these had been the accompaniments of their American journey. The three of us were the emotional wherewithal that enabled them to persist in the face of misfortune and even tragedy that had befallen them since leaving Russia three decades earlier... We were their hope"

His autobiography, "Lost in America" centers especially on his struggles with his father: as he grows up, his father's linguistic limitations and growing physical disabilities meant that Meyer depended on him more and more. I appreciate the emotional honesty of the various stages in the father-son relationship chronicled in this book. There are plenty of misunderstandings, dashed expectations, growing exasperation, and downright embarrassment between the two "lost in America" souls whose lives become more and more tightly bound together.

Although the poor, beaten Meyer Nudelbaum with his low-level job in a garment factory struggles to hold onto his pride while his restless, adventurous and intelligent younger son longs to break free of his filial duties, they spend strained time side by side trying to navigate New York's icy streets and crowded subways to take care of unemployment business or stretch their legs. And later, Sherwin, through high school and college, makes regular visits to sit with his estranged dad when he is hospitalized.

When garment workers were seasonally laid off, "a communal air of meekness prevailed among the unemployed workers and it always made me feel angry. Like all the others in the congested room [ at the unemployment office], I had no way of expressing my exasperation, but I could at least be sullen and resentful of my father for needing to be there-- and, in turn, for having the sort of physical disability that necessitated my presence there with him. It was yet another example, I was sure, of Pop's taking advantage of being 'ah sick men' in order to take advantage of me."

Sherwin and Harvey initiate a name change from "Nudelbaum" to "Nuland" to further separate themselves from Old World Jewishness and classmates' teasing and so Sherwin could enter college unburdened by the stigma when antisemitic bigotry still closed many doors. The three remaining Nudelmans of their extended family journeyed to the Bronx County Courthouse together. "When our father said that he, too, wanted to take the new name, we urged him not to do it. 'Vy not I shoot boink Nulant, too? If.. mine un sons aykhet, I vant di same fa mineself. Den ve all Nulant; ve all di same.'
Harvey remonstrated with him. 'Papa,' he argued, 'it's nuts for you suddenly to become Nuland after a lifetime of being who you are. And anyway, what kind of a name is Nuland for a guy like you?' All three of us knew what was meant by 'a guy like you.' But no one said it. It meant a man whose entire appearance and demeanor bespoke the very stereotype of the unassimilated immigrant Jew. Whatever the sound of Nuland, it was certainly not the prematurely aged, beaten-down, fifty-seven-year-old garment worker who was the son of the martyred Noach, the shoemaker of the Novoselitz Jewish quarter."

For Sherwin, the name change represented, in part, his escape from "Meyer himself, and his strangeness in this America into which I was so determined to liberate myself. He was the distillation of everything clinging to me, everything of which I so desperately wanted to be rid... We were ashamed of being his sons-- and he had to be left behind. He must have known it." The remarkable thing is, their father agreed to petition for them both, since they were under the age of twenty-one.

From this point forward, Meyer's health and energy begin to degenerate, leading to frequent hospitalizations. Sherwin determines his career choice is medicine and, with good fortune, is able to secure a prized place at Yale University, financed by a friend of the family. At last, Sherwin is moving out of the family "cocoon" and goes to meet the wider world. And then, in his medical studies, he learns that his father's symptoms were a real degenerative disease and his heart begins to soften towards Meyer's lifetime of suffering and misunderstanding.

After four years, as he prepares to graduate at Yale, his anxieties increased. "The sense of being different that pervaded my perception of our family did not come from Pop alone. The difficulties with English, the lack of assimilation, the looming aura of yet another tragedy to come, the perpetual envelopment in pessimism-- all of these had been shared by Lutsky and Nudleman adults since my earliest awareness of them... Considering all of this and especially my feelings about Pop, I did not relish the thought of medical-school graduation day. As the time approached, I became increasingly apprehensive that I would be exposed as far more the son of the shtetl than my classmates might have guessed."

Pleasantly, surprised, both Pop and Aunt Rose have a proud moment and "for the first time among strangers in a public place, I was unaware of feeling embarrassed by my family." What follows is another career triumph and a beautiful reconciliation between father and son which brought me to tears.

In the Afterward, Nuland says: "In seeking to escape him, I have drawn closer, and now at last I know that the closeness can be good. I have been trying to find his way in America for him, and for me. There is no end to it." This book tells the "inside story" of first- and second-generations of immigration and the cultural shift that has been duplicated millions of times through assimilation into the American Dream.

"Lost in America" is the drama of families and individuals, full of angst, setbacks, determination and dreams, finding their feet in new terrain in the New World and contributing to the building of our common future. Sherwin Nuland bares his soul to take the reader on his life journey with him. I'm so thankful he did.

[Michale · Rating 5 out of 5]

Touching memoir of the expectations placed upon us by parents whose very origins and motives may forever remain enigmatic. I admire Nuland's unflinching descriptions of so many painful childhood episodes in his poor, Jewish, immigrant family, as well as his acknowledgement of the embarrassment his father provoked in him as he grew up. It was only by escaping his family and going away to medical school that he unexpectedly learned of the existence of his father's medical condition. Then, instead of using this knowledge to turn even further away from his roots, which could have easily been justified, he used it as a foundation upon which to treat his father with sensitivity and respect.
By openly discussing his difficult formative years, Nuland, who has suffered from reccurent depressive episodes, articulates the concept that by confronting the pain of our pasts we can move beyond despair towards expressions of hope and compassion.

[Mary K · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found it difficult to read about the author's feelings of shame and even revulsion towards his father, but that's his story, and by and large, he behaved as a decent son despite his feelings. Yes, many of us also struggle with ambivalent feelings towards our parents, but I squirmed as I thought about how his unhappy father might feel being so exposed to the world.

The book was beautifully written, though, and helped me better understand the history of American Jews.

I do not understand why the author opened with a story of his own depression, divorce, and treatment, including electroshock therapy. He never returned to this story. I'm sure he included it so that he could tie it into his relationship with his father, but surely, as a doctor, he knew that his depression was a medical issue and not his father' fault?

[Michael · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book will pull on your heartstrings. It's a devastating and heartfelt account of growing up in immigrant New York. Nuland's difficult but loving relationship with his father speaks volumes about how one comes to terms with familial tensions borne out of tragedy. Somehow, somewhere, Nuland finds compassion and understanding with his father whom he renders in loving detail.

[Esthy Hersch · Rating 5 out of 5]

A touching memoir

[Kathy Reback · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a beautifully written memoir that veers from the edges of both sentimentality and bitterness. And Nuland doesn't let himself off the hook from the same scrutiny with which he examines his family.

[Margaret · Rating 5 out of 5]

amazing in his willingness to be equally harsh with himself and with everyone else in his life, yet finding positive and hopeful notes as well.

[Barbara · Rating 4 out of 5]

It was the last chapter that enabled me to hang that fourth star here on the Goodreads website. Have I read better books about shtetl immigrants in New York? Maybe a baker’s dozen or so. Call It Sleep. The Russian Debutante’s Handbook. Body and Soul. The Prince of West End Avenue. The History of Love. The Golem and the Jinni. Everything Is Illluminated. Have I read better books about medicine, bioethics, living, and dying? Yes, by Gawande, Mukherjee, Groopman, Hosseni, Verghese, Maugham, and Sherwin Nuland himself! I was really gritting my teeth to get through this because I needed to read it for a book group, and then...and then...and then....the last chapter, and as my late mother would say, “ and now comes the dawn”! And, indeed, the dawn came. Along with understanding, compassion, forgiveness, and love, Nuland the newly- minted chief resident, Nuland the writer, and Nuland the son all come to a place where his insufferable, ignorant, and angry father becomes his beloved Daddy. And yes, dear, reader, I cried.

[Judith Mayer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Touching and wonderful

I am parsimonious with 5 stars. This isn’t a work of literary genius but I genuinely loved this book. As a caveat, I tend to like personal stories that are well-written plus Dr. Nuland has a fascinating story. They are a poor Jewish immigrant family living in a crowded space with multiple family members. The father works in the garment district and has a mysterious debilitating disease that the author figures out when he’s in med school. It’s poignant and life is generally difficult. But Dr. Nuland (originally Noodleman) succeeds in medicine as well as an author.

[Judy · Rating 4 out of 5]

While the introduction to this book sets the stage perfectly, the first chapter is disorienting to say the least. Don't let it push you away. This memoir, focused on Dr. Nuland's relationship with his father, is both enlightening and heartbreaking. For me, it was also a rude awakening to how little I knew of my own parents' lives. Prepare to be taken in and to be influenced by his insights.

[Jim O'Loughlin · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was well written, but it's such a dismal story about such a destructive father that I can only recommend it if your goal in reading is to feel bad.

[Nancy Ross · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good writing--makes me want to read the more well-known books by Nuland, about medical issues rather than his own life.

[Andrew Kosenko · Rating 5 out of 5]

A touching and honest account of a difficult and unique childhood, and one son’s search for meaning in his relationship with his father. In the author’s words, “I am trying to return to memory, in hopes that it will bring me closer to the truth about my life.”

[James Lundy · Rating 2 out of 5]

As the current advertising campaign for the Marines states, "If you wrote a book about your life, would anyone want to read it?" Well, that's the question that kept nudging me as I read Sherwin Nuland's account of his life with his father. I was waiting for something to happen and it never did. Here is another book about a dysfunctional Jewish family, with all the guilt, death, hardship, illness, poverty, etc. you've come to expect from this type of account. However, it goes nowhere. It strikes me as the type of book that was very cathartic to write and incredibly important to the author to look within himself and dredge up - something he admits that he has avoided for his entire life until now. However, unless you are trying to address the same issues with your own dysfunctional upbringing, it is not an interesting story. Actually, I found Dr. Nuland's account of his own bouts of clinical depression in the first pages much more interesting than the rest of the book. To be fair I will add in support of the book that it is well written with flowing text and shows off the author's large vocabulary.

[Jose · Rating 2 out of 5]

Depressing account. Pity that immigrants from early 20th century would have such a difficult time in America. Broken relationships with family and friends from the old country, difficulty gaining acceptance by natives here leading to shame of roots and overwhelming desire to melt into a WASP culture, of bland food, cookie cutter conformity and anodyne conversation. Hard to imagine this country where Sherwin needed so badly to be accepted and was so eager to break from his cultural roots. Turned his back on his ethnicity, his language, his family, his history and culture, so that he would be accepted into America, as he called it. Of course his father and household family were of special difficulty, but that doesn't mean the rest of us foreigners in this country shared anything like that experience.

[Nancy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Lost in America: A Journey With My Father / Sherwin B. Nuland. Nuland’s mother was warm, loving, and caring; she died when he was eleven, after several years of sickness. Nuland’s father, on the other hand, was difficult, discouraged, and inarticulate; he lived for decades with increasingly severe disabilities. Nuland’s parents were uneducated, impoverished Russian Jewish immigrants struggling to survive in New York City in the 1920s onward. Dr. Nuland—a highly regarded author and surgeon—describes his childhood to great effect. America was far from the land of milk and honey: it turned out that the only hope, the only purpose was a better life for the children. This memoir is well-written, honest, soul searching, and deeply revelatory on several levels.

[Wally · Rating 3 out of 5]

A well told memoir although a bit self-absorbing. The title was, to me, a double entendre as it seems Dr. Nuland and his father were lost in america. But, that aside, I had real respect for what the author has accomplished, how he respected his father even though his father some times embarrassed, frustrated, etc. him. Accounts of early Jewish immigrants, especially those from eastern European countries, is always interesting -- not only did they have to learn a language, they also had experience a different kind of bias than that they experienced in their home country. Dr. Nuland helps to make that clear. All in all it was a very good story.

[Lucinda Porter · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am a huge Sherwin Nuland fan. Some of his books are my all-time favorites; this one was not. It started out magnificently, with probably the best description of depression I have ever read (yes, including Styron's). The book was very honest and well-written.

Perhaps it isn't fair that I only gave it 3 stars. After all, I am comparing Lost in America to Nuland's other books. Also, I may have been disappointed, filled with unmet expectations, again, not Nuland's fault. I thought is was going to have more about Nuland's depression and recovery. Also, I didn't think his father sounded so awful, so I was frustrated by Nuland's perception.

All in all, a good memoir, but I want more.

[Etha Frenkel · Rating 4 out of 5]

It seemed to me to be a very searching and honest exploration of the author's problematic relationship with his father. In the end he manages to find positive aspects and memories and for the most part does this without it sounding artificial. I must admit that I have somewhat of a problem with such personal memoirs when the focus is on another family member who of course isn't able to add his point of view. I had the same problem with Roth's "Patrimony".

[Jon · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this coming of age book even though his Bronx upbringing in a Yiddish home is very different from my own childhood. Sherwin B Nuland created a great coming of age book punctuated by his youthful disdain of his won father. However, later in life he realizes the value of the man.
I had never heard of Nuland before picking up this audio book from the library, but now I know that he has many books and I want to read mor of them

[Reda · Rating 4 out of 5]

I usually am skeptical of autobiographies/memoirs: most seem to be a vechicle for tooting their own horn and/or justifying mistakes they have made. This memoir is neither. Very well written, not glossed over, honest.

[Julie Alice · Rating 2 out of 5]

A lesson in perserverance, tolerance, compassion and humility
... something like what is meant to be learned in the family unit.

[Debbie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Heartbreaking story of a Jewish immigrant to NYC and the difficult yet ultimately successful life of his Dr. son.

[Sara · Rating 5 out of 5]

My Daddy gave me this book and it was a very touching read. It reminded him of his childhood which was very touching. Very well written!

[Lee · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a must read for anyone interested in the impact of depression.

[Nina · Rating 3 out of 5]

A sad autobiographical tale.

[Renate · Rating 5 out of 5]

profound story with excellent narration

[J Eseltine · Rating 4 out of 5]

Beautifully written and very honest family portrait.