I see you. Yes, you. The Tom Robbins fan. Quit making that face. Yank out the wedgie. Relax, man! This two-star rating bears no reflection on YOU. I’m not giving YOU two stars. I’m not even giving Tom Robbins two stars. It’s just that B is for Beer is terribly disappointing. I mean, you see the cover, right? Look at it! Look how totally awesome and retro it looks, right? You see the Simpson-esque largesse of the stein, with a hoard of dance-happy (overly long-armed) adults surrounding? They’re living the good life, gazing up at the cup which runneth over, celebrating the rush of good energy that races through any crowd of joyful imbibers.
Such promise! Such hope! Can such pure, overwhelming joy really emanate from these 125 pages? When I finish reading this book, will I feel as gleeful as the people on the cover?
Meh.
The fact of the matter is, B is for Beer is sort of a textbook. And a boring one. It’s hard to make beer production interesting, because, let’s face facts, science and agriculture are fascinating, but not as fascinating as, say, sex. Or murders. Or time travel. (Wait, unless it’s sex with a time-traveling scientist, dragging you with him across space and time as he attempts to outrun the contract on his head!) I digress...
So, yeah, B is for Beer is sorta textbooky. Even the arrival of a Beer Fairy doesn’t do much to make the adventure wilder or more brewski-like. And it doesn’t help that the protagonist is a 6-year-old girl. We’re meant to believe that this 6-year-old girl is quite cute, quite smart, and quite curious, but frankly, I don’t even buy into the fact that she’s a 6-year-old girl, let alone a cute, smart, and curious 6-year-old girl.
I’m bored.
Let us then quell my boredom and discuss two points which I found to be lovely, uplifting, scenic points. 1. Costa Rica. 6-year-old Gracie’s uncle moves to Costa Rica. Did you know that Costa Rica has free health care, has a zillion national parks, and has no military? Sign me up! I wanna move to Costa Rica!!! 2. Sappy quotes. As Gracie and the Beer Fairy part ways after rescuing a young ingenue from impending doom, the fairy says to Gracie, “I want you to promise me that you’ll always be this brave, that when exploiters disguised as public servants offer you protection from puffed-up dangers, you’ll turn your back and skip away. Promise me you won’t be afraid of travel, of people different than yourself, of spiders, bats, bullies, dentists, attorneys, peer pressure, bad taste, social disapproval, insecurity, Sugar Elves... That you won’t quake before old men with titles, and most especially, that you’ll never be afraid to love, not even when there’s a chance you aren’t being loved in return.” Oh. My. God. You tugged my heart strings and jerked my tears, Tom Robbins! I don’t care if it’s cliche. I shall hold my hand over my heart, cry one round, salty tear, and toast life with a cold one.
Adieu.