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Why Manners Matter: The Case for Civilized Behavior in a Barbarous World
In the spirit of On Bullshit, a wonderfully erudite and entertaining essay about manners.
When Lucinda Holdforth told her mother she was writing an essay about manners, her mother said, “You’re writing a book about manners?” Deeply offended, Lucinda called her best friend and relayed what her mother had said. Her best friend paused before saying, “Well, you do say “f***” a lot.”
Welcome to the interesting quagmire Lucinda Holdforth finds herself in. She believes that manners are essential to civilization. Yet according to the knife-and-fork snobs, or exclusive bores, her modern-day attitude might not scream manners. And in this age of global warming and warfare, aren’t manners frivolous? Do manners really matter? Yes! she passionately exclaims. Citing everyone from Tocqueville to Proust to Borat, Holdforth shows how manners, —which many of us might think are inconsequential, —are actually the cornerstone of civilization. Incredibly smart, the book illustrates how the philosophies of the greatest thinkers are relevant to our very modern lives.
When Lucinda Holdforth told her mother she was writing an essay about manners, her mother said, “You’re writing a book about manners?” Deeply offended, Lucinda called her best friend and relayed what her mother had said. Her best friend paused before saying, “Well, you do say “f***” a lot.”
Welcome to the interesting quagmire Lucinda Holdforth finds herself in. She believes that manners are essential to civilization. Yet according to the knife-and-fork snobs, or exclusive bores, her modern-day attitude might not scream manners. And in this age of global warming and warfare, aren’t manners frivolous? Do manners really matter? Yes! she passionately exclaims. Citing everyone from Tocqueville to Proust to Borat, Holdforth shows how manners, —which many of us might think are inconsequential, —are actually the cornerstone of civilization. Incredibly smart, the book illustrates how the philosophies of the greatest thinkers are relevant to our very modern lives.
192 pages, Hardcover
First published September 3, 2008
11 people are currently reading
108 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 30 reviews
April 6, 2009
As always with a book of this type, the people who most need to read it wouldn't.
This essay is literate, occasionally witty, and very dry. The author doesn't teach any etiquette, or make suggestions; she uses literary and historical allusions to make her point about how manners make us a better world.
There is an incongruous blip in her theory, though, of which I may be hyper-conscious, owing to my line of work: she admits to being rude to customer service people who are "paid to be cheerful." She hates polite customer service? I can't believe she'd want us to act how we really feel some days; that would give her fodder for a whole other book.
I wish I'd read Talk to the Hand by Lynne Truss instead. I'll bet it's funnier and more to the point.
This essay is literate, occasionally witty, and very dry. The author doesn't teach any etiquette, or make suggestions; she uses literary and historical allusions to make her point about how manners make us a better world.
There is an incongruous blip in her theory, though, of which I may be hyper-conscious, owing to my line of work: she admits to being rude to customer service people who are "paid to be cheerful." She hates polite customer service? I can't believe she'd want us to act how we really feel some days; that would give her fodder for a whole other book.
I wish I'd read Talk to the Hand by Lynne Truss instead. I'll bet it's funnier and more to the point.
February 25, 2010
A fun little book. The author makes some bold claims (Manners can save democracy!) but also realizes the boldness of her claims and does not take herself too seriously. As someone who believe manners are important, and has often been obliged to explain that manners are not snobbery or "being fake", this was an enjoyable read.
January 18, 2017
This first paragraph on the dust jacket is why I borrowed this book from the library in the first place:
"When Lucinda Holdforth told her mother she was writing an essay about manners, her mother paused and said incredulously, 'You're writing a book about manners?' Deeply offended, Holdforth called her best friend and relayed what her mother had said. Her best friend paused. And then she said, 'Well, you do say f*** a lot.'"
A favorite paragraph:
"There's a rebuke that's now out of fashion. Sir, you forget yourself! It assumes that one's real self is not necessarily the base authentic creature. Rather, the real self is that artificial self, the thoughtful person who suscribes to higher standards of behavior. And it turns out that to be told you have forgotten yourself is actually something of a compliment - it assumes there's something valuable to remember."
"When Lucinda Holdforth told her mother she was writing an essay about manners, her mother paused and said incredulously, 'You're writing a book about manners?' Deeply offended, Holdforth called her best friend and relayed what her mother had said. Her best friend paused. And then she said, 'Well, you do say f*** a lot.'"
A favorite paragraph:
"There's a rebuke that's now out of fashion. Sir, you forget yourself! It assumes that one's real self is not necessarily the base authentic creature. Rather, the real self is that artificial self, the thoughtful person who suscribes to higher standards of behavior. And it turns out that to be told you have forgotten yourself is actually something of a compliment - it assumes there's something valuable to remember."
May 10, 2020
Humorous, delightful, and down to earth. Picked this up on a whim at the library and ended up hunting down a copy for my own shelves. The author makes it clear in the beginning that near everyone in her life thought she would be the last person to write a book on manners. Yet, I’ve never found a more realistic and solid argument for modern manners. Loved every page and shared passages with friends throughout.
November 14, 2020
Awesome insights on why manners really do matter
Loved this book even though I only purchased it on a whim. Great insights on why our civilization has become uncivil and how individually we might have an impact on reviving it with manners. Also got some great leads on other books to read and reasons to read some classics. My only regret is that the book wasn't longer. Will be looking for other books and articles by this author. Enjoyed her writing style.
Loved this book even though I only purchased it on a whim. Great insights on why our civilization has become uncivil and how individually we might have an impact on reviving it with manners. Also got some great leads on other books to read and reasons to read some classics. My only regret is that the book wasn't longer. Will be looking for other books and articles by this author. Enjoyed her writing style.
October 26, 2025
An excellent book/extended essay. Holdforth's application of history and personal anecdotes to flesh out her position were entertaining and educational. She clearly lays out the argument in 2005, and now reading it 20 years later, it rings even more true.
December 31, 2023
Part philosophy and part psychology, I warmed up to this book during the second half when it explored the complexity and layers of human behavior and our thought processes.
December 20, 2011
Un titolo del genere credo farebbe la gioia della maggior parte dei nostri genitori, meglio ancora dei nostri nonni, o ancor di più dei nostri (ex) professori.
Come se le buone maniere fossero un retaggio di un passato che non ci appartiene, che ormai è andato, i cui unici depositari hanno tutto il diritto di lamentarsi di questa grande assenza nel mondo contemporaneo, accusando tutto e tutti per questa triste scomparsa.
Purtroppo non è questo il luogo adatto per discutere, riflettere, e scambiarci opinioni sull'attualità di una buona educazione al giorno d'oggi: non perchè non lo si possa o voglia fare, ma perché si correrebbe il rischio di cadere (o scadere) nell'ovvio e nel banale, e di apparire come i soliti moralizzatori.
Ci ha pensato Lucinda Holdforth per noi, giornalista australiana, che ad un certo punto della sua vita ha deciso di dedicare maggiore attenzione a "le buone vecchie maniere: la nostalgia per un comprtamento civile in un mondo cafone".
Ci troviamo di fronte ad un saggio piacevole, a suo modo leggero e godibile.
La giornalista non vuole fornire un vademecum sull'educazione, in quanto ne esistono milioni al mondo che probabilmente non saranno mai letti, ma ci presenta una sorta di storia delle buone maniere, della necessità della loro presenza in una società civile e pacifica.
Le buone maniere non devono essere imposte dalla legge: devono essere interiorizzate, riconosciute come necessarie, diventare parte della nostra vita quotidiana.
Le buone maniere non possono essere identificate con le correnti conservatrici e reazionarie: essere educati non è contrario al progresso. L'educazione migliora i rapporti tra le persone, tra i popoli, nel mondo. L'educazione può essere generatrice di pace.
Non è così facile e immediato comprendere un concetto del genere negli anni dell'individualismo a tutti i costi, del culto del sé, dell'egoismo sbandierato come pregio.
Non è per niente facile.
E di certo non basterà un piccolo saggio a cambiare le cose. Non basta, ma aiuta.
Le parole della Holdforth si sono fatte spazio nella mia mente e hanno avuto un certo - positivo - effetto.
Se si mettesse in atto un bel passaparola, sarebbe bello poter raggiungere, e magari colpire, molti di quelli che hanno contribuito e che ancora contribuiscono a rendere questo un mondo cafone.
anche qui:
http://cuoredinchiostro.blogspot.com/...
Come se le buone maniere fossero un retaggio di un passato che non ci appartiene, che ormai è andato, i cui unici depositari hanno tutto il diritto di lamentarsi di questa grande assenza nel mondo contemporaneo, accusando tutto e tutti per questa triste scomparsa.
Purtroppo non è questo il luogo adatto per discutere, riflettere, e scambiarci opinioni sull'attualità di una buona educazione al giorno d'oggi: non perchè non lo si possa o voglia fare, ma perché si correrebbe il rischio di cadere (o scadere) nell'ovvio e nel banale, e di apparire come i soliti moralizzatori.
Ci ha pensato Lucinda Holdforth per noi, giornalista australiana, che ad un certo punto della sua vita ha deciso di dedicare maggiore attenzione a "le buone vecchie maniere: la nostalgia per un comprtamento civile in un mondo cafone".
Ci troviamo di fronte ad un saggio piacevole, a suo modo leggero e godibile.
La giornalista non vuole fornire un vademecum sull'educazione, in quanto ne esistono milioni al mondo che probabilmente non saranno mai letti, ma ci presenta una sorta di storia delle buone maniere, della necessità della loro presenza in una società civile e pacifica.
Le buone maniere non devono essere imposte dalla legge: devono essere interiorizzate, riconosciute come necessarie, diventare parte della nostra vita quotidiana.
Le buone maniere non possono essere identificate con le correnti conservatrici e reazionarie: essere educati non è contrario al progresso. L'educazione migliora i rapporti tra le persone, tra i popoli, nel mondo. L'educazione può essere generatrice di pace.
Non è così facile e immediato comprendere un concetto del genere negli anni dell'individualismo a tutti i costi, del culto del sé, dell'egoismo sbandierato come pregio.
Non è per niente facile.
E di certo non basterà un piccolo saggio a cambiare le cose. Non basta, ma aiuta.
Le parole della Holdforth si sono fatte spazio nella mia mente e hanno avuto un certo - positivo - effetto.
Se si mettesse in atto un bel passaparola, sarebbe bello poter raggiungere, e magari colpire, molti di quelli che hanno contribuito e che ancora contribuiscono a rendere questo un mondo cafone.
anche qui:
http://cuoredinchiostro.blogspot.com/...
September 1, 2015
I was raised in a highly conservative family. My parents were steeped in the Christian religion and tradition, and they did their best in raising me and my siblings well. As a result, I only familiarized myself with curses when I was already in college, and I did not allow myself to be immersed in any regular vice (except reading, and computer games).
Manners were inculcated to me and my siblings from a very early age. Simple things such as looking at the eyes of the person one is talking to were time and again reiterated by my mother. Respecting people, no matter what their state in life was, was also a teaching transmitted by my parents to me (of course, within reason). Being more of an academically-inclined person, however, I did not internalize these things until I realized, when I began college, that these things were important mechanisms in the flourishing of society.
The presence of manners, however, contrasts the popular notions most children, teenagers, and even adults my age possess. They tend more toward the Nietzschean perspective of individuality and selfishness. One must do what one wants because one has only one life. The sheer disregard these people have towards others simply reflects the phenomenon of manners being slowly effaced from society.
Some of them decry the presence of manners because manners purportedly limit their freedom. Like the author, however, I disagree. Manners are a set of rituals that limit individual freedom for the good of all. Manners are, to me, representative of ethics: manners make us think about doing no harm toward others, and also make us realize what good can be done for them.
The author states, in sometimes extravagant ways, the importance of manners in our society and in our lives. Though I essentially agree with her, and seek to be in possession of these fleeting ideals, I simply think that this book could have been more cogently stated and a bit less excursive.
It's also a book that's the preaching to the choir. People who seek to understand the manners that they desire or possess or both are going to read this book that's not really for them. Those who need to read this book, on the other hand, will probably enjoy being immersed in selfishness: it is, after all, what's popular nowadays.
Manners were inculcated to me and my siblings from a very early age. Simple things such as looking at the eyes of the person one is talking to were time and again reiterated by my mother. Respecting people, no matter what their state in life was, was also a teaching transmitted by my parents to me (of course, within reason). Being more of an academically-inclined person, however, I did not internalize these things until I realized, when I began college, that these things were important mechanisms in the flourishing of society.
The presence of manners, however, contrasts the popular notions most children, teenagers, and even adults my age possess. They tend more toward the Nietzschean perspective of individuality and selfishness. One must do what one wants because one has only one life. The sheer disregard these people have towards others simply reflects the phenomenon of manners being slowly effaced from society.
Some of them decry the presence of manners because manners purportedly limit their freedom. Like the author, however, I disagree. Manners are a set of rituals that limit individual freedom for the good of all. Manners are, to me, representative of ethics: manners make us think about doing no harm toward others, and also make us realize what good can be done for them.
The author states, in sometimes extravagant ways, the importance of manners in our society and in our lives. Though I essentially agree with her, and seek to be in possession of these fleeting ideals, I simply think that this book could have been more cogently stated and a bit less excursive.
It's also a book that's the preaching to the choir. People who seek to understand the manners that they desire or possess or both are going to read this book that's not really for them. Those who need to read this book, on the other hand, will probably enjoy being immersed in selfishness: it is, after all, what's popular nowadays.
January 27, 2022
I couldn't finish this one.
Some early clues that I had picked the wrong book include the author claiming Columbus discovered America, her throwaway generalization of Africa "starving" as a whole, and her complaint of having to see a man on a mental health floor with bandages around his wrists and throat.
The snippet that made me close the book for good was related to her "period of living" in Belgrade that led to this stunning proclamation: "...nothing erodes manners like the common ownership of the means of production. Power to the people had produced a society that was sullen, unkind, and competitive."
That's it. No context. No explanation. No nuance. It seems to me that mannerly behavior would include qualifying sweeping statements about an entire country's population and its government including its history.
Too many incidents of rude and presumptuous statements for me to continue reading.
Some early clues that I had picked the wrong book include the author claiming Columbus discovered America, her throwaway generalization of Africa "starving" as a whole, and her complaint of having to see a man on a mental health floor with bandages around his wrists and throat.
The snippet that made me close the book for good was related to her "period of living" in Belgrade that led to this stunning proclamation: "...nothing erodes manners like the common ownership of the means of production. Power to the people had produced a society that was sullen, unkind, and competitive."
That's it. No context. No explanation. No nuance. It seems to me that mannerly behavior would include qualifying sweeping statements about an entire country's population and its government including its history.
Too many incidents of rude and presumptuous statements for me to continue reading.
January 10, 2012
A great challenge for any essay writer in persuading her audience to see her point of view is to take specific examples and connect them to the broader ideal. I think Holdforth does an excellent job at that. The entire basis of this essay explains the consequence of a society that no longer utilizes the skills of manners. Holdforth consistently connects the long-forgotten practices which we know as manners and their reasoning to the broader ideal of why those specific practices actually help society on a broader scale. Holdforth supports her claim that manners keeps the delicate balance of living as animals, yet civilized ones.
So come on guys. Use your manners.
So come on guys. Use your manners.
December 14, 2015
Essays and ruminations on manners.
self-esteem vs. uncritical self-regard
"Manners in this context were not about conformity.. they were simply a means to help very different people exchange ideas with one another."
"To regard manners as a mask that should desirable be cast off is to misunderstand the role they play. When you use your self-control, when you explode in rage or anger, when you abandon your manners, you are not proudly revealing yourself, you are losing something, some key element of your personhood."
self-esteem vs. uncritical self-regard
"Manners in this context were not about conformity.. they were simply a means to help very different people exchange ideas with one another."
"To regard manners as a mask that should desirable be cast off is to misunderstand the role they play. When you use your self-control, when you explode in rage or anger, when you abandon your manners, you are not proudly revealing yourself, you are losing something, some key element of your personhood."
October 31, 2012
meh. I expected to really enjoy this book. I was looking forward to some great rants about ill-mannered bastards that don't bother to write thank you notes, hold doors for people or understand the basics of small talk (ie when asked how are you, you are actually supposed to respond and ask the same question. This is one that has been bothering me a lot lately). What I actually got was so forgettable, that I can't remember anything a week later other than the vague idea that I read a sermon which I found insulting for reasons I cannot now recall.
February 13, 2014
I liked this book. I myself think that manners are exceedingly important, which is probably the main reason I picked it up. I don't believe that just anyone would choose this book, although I think they should. Lucinda Holdforth brings up a lot of good points about the nature of manners. They don't have to be stuffy or oppressive, they are just nice. I mean, doesn't it feel good when someone is nice to you, and, at least for me, being nice to others makes me feel good. Anyway that is why I liked this book and I would recommend it to almost anyone.
October 17, 2009
I could not completely buy in to the author’s thesis that manners are the root of “civilized” civilization. I did find her overview of ideas like manners and social contract interesting, along with her tie-in to modern behavior interesting. Readers should be aware of the author’s Australian perspective.
January 8, 2012
A fun little book. The author makes some bold claims (Manners can save democracy!) but also realizes the boldness of her claims and does not take herself too seriously. As someone who believe manners are important, and has often been obliged to explain that manners are not snobbery or "being fake", this was an enjoyable read.
March 6, 2012
It was a bit of a let down towards the end. I've been wanting to put together something like this book myself for a few years (a case for the relevance of manners today), nut this author wandered off into some areas that seemed a bit vague, and some I just couldn't follow her on. Anyway, gives me a chance to think over the topic myself again.
July 25, 2012
This book was a revelation, and that is no overstatement. Halfway through, I realized why all the teenagers who come into my store annoy me so much; they have no manners at all. It made me feel better about insisting to wait for the "Walk" sign when I cross the street downtown. Since finishing this book, I feel more inspired to cultivate my natural Canadian manners.
July 24, 2011
Though not necessarily an instructive book about manners - this book describes the social history of manners and the ways in which they may be helpful (with some caveats about how they may constrain) - great examples and lots of juicy information. Very well written, engaging and fun.
May 16, 2009
Essay on the modern need for good manners and courtesy, written by an unexpected Australian.
May 24, 2009
Interesting little book. Lots of history, wit and thoughtful observations.
July 2, 2009
Unfortunately a book that is needed in this day and age . I do not understand why?
September 25, 2009
I was so scared I would do something rude while reading this and especially while carrying it with me in public places. Hypocrisy terrifies me.
January 11, 2011
Had to put it down due to language.
July 28, 2011
This book was both funny & interesting. I caught myself laughing out loud from time-to-time.
January 5, 2012
Insightful and so true and a young person wrote it. I enjoyed this book;it was very insightful. I agree that we need more manners in the world and I'm a baby boomer!
January 23, 2012
A succinct and often funny look at why simple things like not swearing are so important in our lives and the world at large.
December 24, 2012
I thought it to be clever, but it kind of turned out to be a rather long essay. like the rotary bit though.
September 5, 2015
Good, funny, and sad to think we need to be told why we need manners.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 30 reviews