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Now Say This: The Right Words to Solve Every Parenting Dilemma
A powerful new parenting book that gives parents the exact words to solve any sticky parenting situation!
A toddler meltdown over the wrong pair of pants, siblings fighting in the back of the car, kids crying when you try to leave the house...
Parents have the best intentions to be patient and loving, but in the heat of the moment, they too often find themselves feeling helpless, desperate, and so frustrated that they resort to yelling, threatening, bribing, or caving. Now Say This solves the how can you be empathic and effective at once? Based on the popular 3-step "ALP" model the authors have taught thousands of parents in their clinical practice, and written in a friendly, balanced, and research-based tone, Now Say This addresses issues such as,
Best of all, it answers the question, "Now, what do you actually say?" using scripts and body language from real life examples. Now Say This is a guide that transforms remarkable ideas into practical how-to's that busy parents can use right away.
A toddler meltdown over the wrong pair of pants, siblings fighting in the back of the car, kids crying when you try to leave the house...
Parents have the best intentions to be patient and loving, but in the heat of the moment, they too often find themselves feeling helpless, desperate, and so frustrated that they resort to yelling, threatening, bribing, or caving. Now Say This solves the how can you be empathic and effective at once? Based on the popular 3-step "ALP" model the authors have taught thousands of parents in their clinical practice, and written in a friendly, balanced, and research-based tone, Now Say This addresses issues such as,
Best of all, it answers the question, "Now, what do you actually say?" using scripts and body language from real life examples. Now Say This is a guide that transforms remarkable ideas into practical how-to's that busy parents can use right away.
352 pages, Paperback
Published May 29, 2018
105 people are currently reading
838 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 39 reviews
November 11, 2018
I admit, at first, I was a bit skeptical going into this. My mindset is a bit old-fashioned; I feel like my young kids should obey me because I’m the mom. I have their best interest at heart and can foresee the possible consequences where they cannot. And I have the responsibility of their safety and well-being, so if I say No more tv, I shouldn’t have to give a detailed explanation of the brain and how negative the effects of too much screen time can be. The tv should just be turned off. End of story.
BUT! I was growing exhausted from the daily struggles, and the incessant whining and crying, and frankly, many nights, feeling like I didn’t enjoy my children that day. In this book, the authors spend the first few chapters explaining exactly why this technique of “ALP”(attune-limit set-problem solve) makes sense. You don’t want to raise children who blindly obey any voice of authority (or at least, I certainly don’t), or children who want to rebel against any authority. You want to raise emotionally healthy children who can govern themselves and problem solve on their own.
We all feel better and more able to handle a situation when we feel like our emotions are acknowledged, not ignored or one-upped by higher emotions. The same is true for children(regardless of how silly the fit throwing may seem to us as adults). With my kids, this step has seemed to bring the most immediate results. Simply acknowledging their feelings (“you’re upset? You don’t want to stop your game to take a bath, do you?”) seems to calm them down and slow the tempest almost at once. And with my autistic son, it is helping him learn the language to express his emotions in a way other than screaming or hitting.
The next step is to state the limits you’ve set or reality of the situation (“even though this game is fun, we have to go take a bath now.”) and stick to it.
The final step is problem solving. (“Would you like to take this toy into the bath? If we bath quickly, we can read another chapter at bedtime!”)
The beauty of this book is that the authors cover a variety of common problem areas (sibling conflicts, physical aggression, tantrums, following directions, etc) and they actually give you scripts to say until you feel comfortable and can create your own. (I’m not going to lie; I felt silly the first time I told my toddler I understood he was upset about getting a diaper change and would he like to hold the red ring while Mommy wiped up his poop? But it worked and he stayed still, without screaming!)
The other thing I found refreshing was that the authors are quite honest about the fact that you, the parent, are not perfect and you won’t do this every time and that’s ok. They tell you how you can turn a bad situation where you lost it into a teachable moment, and also to cut yourself some slack. After reading it, I set myself a goal of trying to use ALP in at least 20% of my daily interactions with my kids and not to get too angry at myself for the times I didn’t. But I’ve found that when I use it, it keeps me calmer as well, so it becomes easier to use each time. And already, I’m seeing some small progress! Just now, my autistic son told me he wanted to hit his sister, instead of actually hitting her, when they were fighting over a game. :) That may not sound like much, but for him, that’s a big step!
I’m really grateful I read this. I’ll edit this review in a few weeks and update with our progress after that time.
BUT! I was growing exhausted from the daily struggles, and the incessant whining and crying, and frankly, many nights, feeling like I didn’t enjoy my children that day. In this book, the authors spend the first few chapters explaining exactly why this technique of “ALP”(attune-limit set-problem solve) makes sense. You don’t want to raise children who blindly obey any voice of authority (or at least, I certainly don’t), or children who want to rebel against any authority. You want to raise emotionally healthy children who can govern themselves and problem solve on their own.
We all feel better and more able to handle a situation when we feel like our emotions are acknowledged, not ignored or one-upped by higher emotions. The same is true for children(regardless of how silly the fit throwing may seem to us as adults). With my kids, this step has seemed to bring the most immediate results. Simply acknowledging their feelings (“you’re upset? You don’t want to stop your game to take a bath, do you?”) seems to calm them down and slow the tempest almost at once. And with my autistic son, it is helping him learn the language to express his emotions in a way other than screaming or hitting.
The next step is to state the limits you’ve set or reality of the situation (“even though this game is fun, we have to go take a bath now.”) and stick to it.
The final step is problem solving. (“Would you like to take this toy into the bath? If we bath quickly, we can read another chapter at bedtime!”)
The beauty of this book is that the authors cover a variety of common problem areas (sibling conflicts, physical aggression, tantrums, following directions, etc) and they actually give you scripts to say until you feel comfortable and can create your own. (I’m not going to lie; I felt silly the first time I told my toddler I understood he was upset about getting a diaper change and would he like to hold the red ring while Mommy wiped up his poop? But it worked and he stayed still, without screaming!)
The other thing I found refreshing was that the authors are quite honest about the fact that you, the parent, are not perfect and you won’t do this every time and that’s ok. They tell you how you can turn a bad situation where you lost it into a teachable moment, and also to cut yourself some slack. After reading it, I set myself a goal of trying to use ALP in at least 20% of my daily interactions with my kids and not to get too angry at myself for the times I didn’t. But I’ve found that when I use it, it keeps me calmer as well, so it becomes easier to use each time. And already, I’m seeing some small progress! Just now, my autistic son told me he wanted to hit his sister, instead of actually hitting her, when they were fighting over a game. :) That may not sound like much, but for him, that’s a big step!
I’m really grateful I read this. I’ll edit this review in a few weeks and update with our progress after that time.
July 18, 2018
Not a good book to convince parents to embrace positive Parenting or commit to its principles, but a great primer or refresher for the those who just need some words. It is intentionally repetitive, which at this stage of my patenting and sleep deprivation was a pro instead of a con but some readers might find annoying.
December 10, 2018
This is a great book.Lots of good and helpful advice and you don't feel judged by the authors.
July 2, 2018
I've written about, studied, and practiced good communication and positive parenting for 2 decades and while nothing in this book surprised me, what shocked me was its simplicity and elegance. The straightforward ALP process (Attune, Limit set, Problem-solve) will have you slapping your forehead like, "duh." The examples are realistic and relatable, and while they don't cover every single parenting dilemma specifically, the ALP process can literally be used anytime for any situation. All the latest brain science is in here and the tone is gentle and kind--to YOU as the parent--AND in examples for interacting with kids, too. If you're stuck in the yell-regret-repeat cycle, STOP and order yourself a copy of this great book!
April 6, 2019
Interesting but could have been a lot shorter - I felt sometimes things took a lot longer to explain to justify it being a book. That said I have learned a lot and already applying to my 11mo
June 21, 2018
I am not a super mom, on the contrary I thought I was supergirl until motherhood brought me to reality. There are so many challenges and very little compassionate, non judgmental, loaded advice/help on parenting. I find the ALP approach possible and the book explains how it works and why we should give it a try.
August 14, 2018
I won this book in a Facebook competition thanks to the Australian publishers, Scribe Publishers.
Now Say This has some great tips and advice to help kids through tough times and connect with them. I began using the steps the next day after I began reading and have been trying to hone my skills.
It is a complete mind shift sometimes, but it makes sense. Perfect reading for any parent!
Now Say This has some great tips and advice to help kids through tough times and connect with them. I began using the steps the next day after I began reading and have been trying to hone my skills.
It is a complete mind shift sometimes, but it makes sense. Perfect reading for any parent!
February 28, 2022
Gamechanger. I no longer dread tantrums because I know exactly how to deal with them. Need I say more?
Ok, just to nerd out a bit: One major caveat to the review is that Turgeon's therapeutic parenting style stems directly from an anthropology that leaves no room for "willful disobedience" as an ethical concept i.e. bad behavior is seen as a hurting child in need of healing (or an emotional child in need of calming down), which means the child is never at fault. It's kind of interesting to see this trend developing in self-help and/or parenting books as the concept of original sin begins to dissipate in contemporary western culture. In this view, non-restorative punishment verges on something akin to abusive behavior, modeling an evil which does not itself exists in the child. Of course, I agree with Turgeon that spanking is no longer a defensible position now that empirical evidence has played out the consequences, but this may be the first book I've read that sees time-outs as problematic. I don't know if I'd go that far.
Ok, just to nerd out a bit: One major caveat to the review is that Turgeon's therapeutic parenting style stems directly from an anthropology that leaves no room for "willful disobedience" as an ethical concept i.e. bad behavior is seen as a hurting child in need of healing (or an emotional child in need of calming down), which means the child is never at fault. It's kind of interesting to see this trend developing in self-help and/or parenting books as the concept of original sin begins to dissipate in contemporary western culture. In this view, non-restorative punishment verges on something akin to abusive behavior, modeling an evil which does not itself exists in the child. Of course, I agree with Turgeon that spanking is no longer a defensible position now that empirical evidence has played out the consequences, but this may be the first book I've read that sees time-outs as problematic. I don't know if I'd go that far.
September 20, 2018
This book has the same ideas as How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk and No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind. Which is OK - I'd rather have books saying the same thing then say that it's good to yell at your kids or whatever. (FWIW it's not good; don't yell at your kids!)
Where this book stands out is that it lays out a ton of scenarios that really helped me internalize the lessons. So I'm going to try to remember to go back to this book every once in a while and browse through it again.
(one new part is the stuff about screen time, which: maaaaaan am I not looking forward to those fights...)
Where this book stands out is that it lays out a ton of scenarios that really helped me internalize the lessons. So I'm going to try to remember to go back to this book every once in a while and browse through it again.
(one new part is the stuff about screen time, which: maaaaaan am I not looking forward to those fights...)
November 1, 2018
Nothing new or extreme. I love the ALP framework. The need to attune is something hat I have been working on and noticing my failures. I was explaining attuning as more than needing to listen or be with someone; it is a need to do everything and be in the struggle with the child. It doesn’t have to take long or be difficult to attune with children, but it takes practice. I have confessed that I wish I would have started working on intentionally working on my parenting 15-20 years sooner. I feel less stress and worry now and I believe it is because I have a better understanding about the dynamics of the parent child relationship. I believe the right answers and right words are the ones that open the world safely and creatively for both parents and child. I shared with a new mother of a 7 month old baby my regret of taking so long to pick up a parenting book. She hadn’t considered parenting books yet. I joking accused her of being the perfect know-it-all parent. We had a good laugh.
December 14, 2018
For me, the best parenting books are the ones filled with examples—and repetition of key points so they really sink in. This book was rich, rich, rich in both, and the "scripts" they provide for helping work through emotionally charged situations actually sound like things a regular, normal parent would say. (Does that drive anyone else insane? The way some books phrase things, and you're just like... who says that in real life? I'M HERE FOR YOU.)
Total keeper, and one I plan to re-read at least once a year.
Total keeper, and one I plan to re-read at least once a year.
September 2, 2020
There's no single parenting book out there that will solve all your problems and turn your children into perfect angels. That being said, this book actually gave me hope in my parenting journey that I haven't felt in a long time. It focuses on cooperative problem solving with your children and treating them as agents rather than problems to be solved. Using the Attune, Limit-set and Problem solve method, this book gives incredible suggestions, example scripts and parenting tools. Now if only executing them was as easy as reading them!
August 31, 2018
Out of the parenting books I've read thus far, Now Say This definitely provides the best real world examples. A lot of parenting books rely on abstract or generalized suggestions, where this book breaks down scenarios and advises actual dialogue.
That being said, a lot of the examples are set in an ideal world where your toddler listens to you the first time you tell them not to touch the knobs on the stove...
That being said, a lot of the examples are set in an ideal world where your toddler listens to you the first time you tell them not to touch the knobs on the stove...
June 10, 2019
The parenting approach in this book is essentially the same as in the Positive Discipline books by Jane Nelson. They do add in ALP (attune, limit set, problem solve) that might be helpful in the heat of the moment. The book was well written and they actually have many examples where they provide a potential script that could be used. I would recommend it.
October 16, 2019
This is actually a really good parenting book with an unfortunate title. While the title makes it seem like a formulaic how-to, the authors actually offer quality insight on all aspects of parenting and child development. I’m returning the library copy and buying my own to keep. I highly recommend, particularly to anyone interested in “respectful parenting.”
February 1, 2020
This is a helpful book and a good companion to No-Drama Discipline. Some good advice and written in an accessible manner and judgment-free! With that being said the organization of the endless subsections in the chapter was consistently confusing for me, and I think it could be been structured better. The book itself ends abruptly too.
April 3, 2022
The information was helpful. But the format needed work. There was as much or more talking about what they are going to talk about than helpful information. If I had a visual copy of the book I could skip ahead. Skipping ahead in a the audiobook created more problems. I did not finish. I might pick up a paper copy and try again.
May 9, 2025
It's redundant if you read previous books especially positive discipline ones. It's pretty much the same ideas. I gave it low rating because it didn't benefit me as I read these advice before in other books. It doesn't mean the book is necessary bad, it's just for my specific case it was redundant.
July 13, 2018
I would rate this book 3.5. A simple, straightforward, easy to read and helpful book. Toward the end I was getting a little bored and ready to be done, but overall a useful read that I feel I can use to guide me in the tough world of parenting.
July 28, 2018
This is more for younger children, but there are always tips and tricks to help with any age child. I love books like these that make you stop and think about how you are parenting and what you could tweak to make things even better!
December 5, 2018
This has been pretty helpful for me. I know some parents like to use instinct but I’ve been coming across more and more “how do I handle this?” moments with my son. This has been a good guide and it really works. “Calm down” has saved me from some major restaurant tantrums and meltdowns at home.
February 19, 2021
Really good review of common parenting techniques and phrases to say during heated moments and struggles. Also contains some enlightening concepts with regard to sibling relationships (or friendships) and how to help kids become more socially aware
August 6, 2018
There are many interesting methods and responses offered in this book. I will be trying some today!
September 6, 2018
This book is full of so much good information! Loved it.
September 17, 2018
One of the two parenting books I think should be in every home. The scenarios are familiar and implementing the ALP techniques are transformative. I've passed it along for my husband to read now.
December 5, 2018
Extremely helpful parenting advice. I highly recommend this book. I have at least 10 parenting books on my to-read list, and this is the only one I have finished!
March 17, 2019
Loved this book! Great advice that truly works. I’m reading it for a second time to not miss any details!
June 18, 2019
3.5 ⭐️
some useful ideas& easy to dip in and out of. definitely ‘food for thought’.
some useful ideas& easy to dip in and out of. definitely ‘food for thought’.
November 22, 2019
Honestly the best parenting book I've ever read, and I have read a lot of parenting books. Solved problems and brought a lot of peace into my home.
December 24, 2019
Good, practical advice/strategies with scenarios but a little repetitive.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 39 reviews