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Happiness Rules
This is self-help for the thoughtful reader. Mark invites us to share his thoughts on how to lead an authentic life. In a key opening chapter, he discusses methods that we might use to discover who we are. Eight further chapters explore how we can find out what it is that we want to achieve, and how to achieve it. Mark discusses a wide range of ideas and explores how a fulfilled life may flow from an ability not to judge others, from learning to control your life as much as possible, understanding how to take advice, finding the right partner, assembling a toolkit to shape your world, developing a positive attitude towards yourself, and telling “right” apart from “wrong”. The final chapter develops a test that allows us to find out how happy we are, and how happy we can become. Readers can download the test from Mark's website www.markhebwood.com
- GenresSelf HelpNonfiction
430 pages, Paperback
Published January 4, 2018
About the author
Mark Hebwood
1 book111 followersMark has worked on London dealing floors as an equity analyst for the last 20 years. He has recently left the financial district to devote himself to his other passion: writing and public speaking.
For his first book, he has turned his mind to an investigation of how to lead an authentic life.
He lives in London and loves it. When he's not in town, he occupies his time with things people now call 'action sports'.
For his first book, he has turned his mind to an investigation of how to lead an authentic life.
He lives in London and loves it. When he's not in town, he occupies his time with things people now call 'action sports'.
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Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews
April 21, 2021
Most of us want to be happy, don’t we? But ten rules to achieve it?!
Fear not: Hebwood is no snake-oil peddler, nor is he a soul-seeking evangelist, let alone presenting a magazine-style set of questions and answers.
Nor is this a typical self-help book (though it's hard to know how else to categorise it).
Instead, this is:
• Personal: many examples from the author's life.
• Practical: clear ways to analyse and apply to one's own life, including tables and charts.
• Philosophical: especially re ethics (possibly at greater length and detail than some readers want).
• Provocative: in a good and insightful way.
Sharing quotes and ideas in isolation risk making it sound trite, which it’s not. But it’s a good, and very readable book, so I’ll try to give an impression of what it’s like.
Key Techniques
The start and end point is to know yourself, which we learn to do in part, by discovering a fair bit about Mark (some of his examples are so personal, it doesn’t feel right to use his surname).
By recognising traits and behaviours, we become aware of which can be problematic and need tackling - some on an ongoing basis. It's a bit like epidemiology: we can each be our own John Snow when we understand the causes of our dis-ease, rather as his realisation that cholera was spread by dirty water, rather than miasmic air transformed the health of the world.
The main techniques Mark recommends and explains are:
• Experience mining as a habit, to be consciously aware of how one reacts, and why.
• The dice test for simple, binary decisions, which “makes unconscious knowledge conscious”. I recently found a variant of this very helpful in deciding whether to take anti-depressants.
• The abacus test for more complex, existential decisions, though it requires more self-knowledge.
• Epiphany recognition is when your conscious introspection bears practical fruit.
Key Lessons for Me
Although the ideas and techniques described are universally applicable, different readers will benefit in different ways. The most important ones for me have *Asterisks* in their titles.
I confess, I have not (yet) applied everything to me and my life, in part because I was more interested in reading about Mark.
* Take Ownership, but Not Guilt *
Because guilt can be a terrible, crippling mindset, we’re often encouraged to cast aside responsibility, possibly after acknowledging it, and move on. But Mark shows that isn’t helpful either:
"As long as I was blaming others, I allowed circumstances to control me.
As soon as I blamed myself, I became empowered to act."
Claiming empowerment means taking responsibility for a better future, rather than clinging to guilt about the past.
He illustrates this by reference to Dave Pelzer’s autobiography, A Child Called "It". Dave consciously changed his mindset from victim to agent, and consciously chose to focus on the future, not the past. That’s what brought him through horrific child abuse by his mother.
From Knowing Yourself, to Knowing Others
Everything in this book is built on the foundation of knowing oneself - which is a continuous process. No one is defined by a single character trait or action, but try to understand people’s motives - which doesn’t necessarily mean condoning what they say or do.
Taking Advice is a Skill
From self-knowledge, you can learn how to accept advice, and from whom. This echoes a maxim of my father’s: that it’s more important to know how and where to find the answer to a question than to devote effort into memorising everything.
But beware of the difference between advice for you, and “advice” which is what the person would do themselves.
* Make Minor Interactions Meaningful *
Mark suggests actively adding positive meaning to fleeting and minor interactions: making proper eye contact and having a friendly sentence or two for every server and shop assistant, beyond the basic smile and “thanks”.
That feels really alien to me: too American(!) and too like my (very British) mother. I chickened out completely the first couple of times, but I’ve pushed myself a bit on several occasions since then. It does feel odd. It’s not the me I’m used to. And yet I did have a little lightning of mood immediately after, as the people I spoke to seemed to. It’s a habit I plan to continue - not every time, but often.
It requires a degree of self-confidence which, of course, requires self-knowledge, so it's a gradual, iterative process for me. And as with everything in life, "context is all".
A few days after reading that section of the book, BBC News published “Why talking to strangers could be surprisingly good for you”, HERE. The conclusion is that we underestimate both how much people like us, and the power of random acts of kindness - for us and others. That reminded me that eighteen months earlier, "Happy to Chat" badges/pins were handed out at London stations - see HERE. And I've seen pictures of park benches with unofficial signs saying they're the chatting bench.
Shape Your Personal World
"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man."
- George Bernard Shaw.
Mark balances that with when one should compromise, which he defines as when "Both parties lose something individually but gain something collectively". Nevertheless, past one’s teens, he thinks “Do what you bloody well like” - without hurting others, obviously.
But having nothing to prove to others, doesn’t mean we have nothing to achieve:
1. Set unrealistic (but not impossible) goals: you need a dream to give you direction.
2. Learn to deal with disappointment if it happens.
“Don’t settle for a life half-lived”, my doctor recently told me. I wasn’t quite sure how to take that at the time, but it chimes with Mark’s message.
Ethics: The Golden Rule versus Kant’s Categorical Imperative
The Golden Rule, sometimes paraphrased as “Do as you would be done by”, is well-known, across cultures. But it’s not very useful, as we have different tastes and standards. The converse works a little better to prevent unethical behaviour, but it’s still not enough.
“Act as if the maxim of thy action were to become by thy will a universal law of nature.”
- Immanuel Kant.
Why Happiness Matters
“The good life, as I conceive it, is a happy life… I do not mean that if you are good you will be happy; I mean that if you are happy you will be good.”
- Bertrand Russell.
See “Happiness doesn’t follow success: it’s the other way round”, on aeon.co, HERE.
Summary, Bibliography, Footnotes, and Index
Nine of the ten rules are summarised on Mark's website: The Rules.
The bibliography and footnotes are comprehensive and especially useful for those wanting to dig deeper. An index is, sadly, not present. Nevertheless, that’s a minor complaint about an otherwise excellent book.
My Happy Place
I won’t post pictures of any of the diagrams in the book: you need the full context. So here’s a picture of my ideal happy place - not literally (it’s not me in the photo):
Image: Woman reading in a hammock, in a wood, by a lake (Source.)
See also
• A recipe for happiness in John Pomfret's poem, The Choice, which I've posted and written about HERE.
• An Edwardian approach to making time for self-improvement for a more fulfilling life, in Arnold Bennett's, How to Live on 24 Hours a Day, which I've reviewed HERE.
• A comic and Kafkaesque look a the cost of happiness in Jonas Karlsson's, The Invoice, which I've reviewed HERE.
Fear not: Hebwood is no snake-oil peddler, nor is he a soul-seeking evangelist, let alone presenting a magazine-style set of questions and answers.
Nor is this a typical self-help book (though it's hard to know how else to categorise it).
Instead, this is:
• Personal: many examples from the author's life.
• Practical: clear ways to analyse and apply to one's own life, including tables and charts.
• Philosophical: especially re ethics (possibly at greater length and detail than some readers want).
• Provocative: in a good and insightful way.
Sharing quotes and ideas in isolation risk making it sound trite, which it’s not. But it’s a good, and very readable book, so I’ll try to give an impression of what it’s like.
Key Techniques
The start and end point is to know yourself, which we learn to do in part, by discovering a fair bit about Mark (some of his examples are so personal, it doesn’t feel right to use his surname).
By recognising traits and behaviours, we become aware of which can be problematic and need tackling - some on an ongoing basis. It's a bit like epidemiology: we can each be our own John Snow when we understand the causes of our dis-ease, rather as his realisation that cholera was spread by dirty water, rather than miasmic air transformed the health of the world.
The main techniques Mark recommends and explains are:
• Experience mining as a habit, to be consciously aware of how one reacts, and why.
• The dice test for simple, binary decisions, which “makes unconscious knowledge conscious”. I recently found a variant of this very helpful in deciding whether to take anti-depressants.
• The abacus test for more complex, existential decisions, though it requires more self-knowledge.
• Epiphany recognition is when your conscious introspection bears practical fruit.
Key Lessons for Me
Although the ideas and techniques described are universally applicable, different readers will benefit in different ways. The most important ones for me have *Asterisks* in their titles.
I confess, I have not (yet) applied everything to me and my life, in part because I was more interested in reading about Mark.
* Take Ownership, but Not Guilt *
Because guilt can be a terrible, crippling mindset, we’re often encouraged to cast aside responsibility, possibly after acknowledging it, and move on. But Mark shows that isn’t helpful either:
"As long as I was blaming others, I allowed circumstances to control me.
As soon as I blamed myself, I became empowered to act."
Claiming empowerment means taking responsibility for a better future, rather than clinging to guilt about the past.
He illustrates this by reference to Dave Pelzer’s autobiography, A Child Called "It". Dave consciously changed his mindset from victim to agent, and consciously chose to focus on the future, not the past. That’s what brought him through horrific child abuse by his mother.
From Knowing Yourself, to Knowing Others
Everything in this book is built on the foundation of knowing oneself - which is a continuous process. No one is defined by a single character trait or action, but try to understand people’s motives - which doesn’t necessarily mean condoning what they say or do.
Taking Advice is a Skill
From self-knowledge, you can learn how to accept advice, and from whom. This echoes a maxim of my father’s: that it’s more important to know how and where to find the answer to a question than to devote effort into memorising everything.
But beware of the difference between advice for you, and “advice” which is what the person would do themselves.
* Make Minor Interactions Meaningful *
Mark suggests actively adding positive meaning to fleeting and minor interactions: making proper eye contact and having a friendly sentence or two for every server and shop assistant, beyond the basic smile and “thanks”.
That feels really alien to me: too American(!) and too like my (very British) mother. I chickened out completely the first couple of times, but I’ve pushed myself a bit on several occasions since then. It does feel odd. It’s not the me I’m used to. And yet I did have a little lightning of mood immediately after, as the people I spoke to seemed to. It’s a habit I plan to continue - not every time, but often.
It requires a degree of self-confidence which, of course, requires self-knowledge, so it's a gradual, iterative process for me. And as with everything in life, "context is all".
A few days after reading that section of the book, BBC News published “Why talking to strangers could be surprisingly good for you”, HERE. The conclusion is that we underestimate both how much people like us, and the power of random acts of kindness - for us and others. That reminded me that eighteen months earlier, "Happy to Chat" badges/pins were handed out at London stations - see HERE. And I've seen pictures of park benches with unofficial signs saying they're the chatting bench.
Shape Your Personal World
"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man."
- George Bernard Shaw.
Mark balances that with when one should compromise, which he defines as when "Both parties lose something individually but gain something collectively". Nevertheless, past one’s teens, he thinks “Do what you bloody well like” - without hurting others, obviously.
But having nothing to prove to others, doesn’t mean we have nothing to achieve:
1. Set unrealistic (but not impossible) goals: you need a dream to give you direction.
2. Learn to deal with disappointment if it happens.
“Don’t settle for a life half-lived”, my doctor recently told me. I wasn’t quite sure how to take that at the time, but it chimes with Mark’s message.
Ethics: The Golden Rule versus Kant’s Categorical Imperative
The Golden Rule, sometimes paraphrased as “Do as you would be done by”, is well-known, across cultures. But it’s not very useful, as we have different tastes and standards. The converse works a little better to prevent unethical behaviour, but it’s still not enough.
“Act as if the maxim of thy action were to become by thy will a universal law of nature.”
- Immanuel Kant.
Why Happiness Matters
“The good life, as I conceive it, is a happy life… I do not mean that if you are good you will be happy; I mean that if you are happy you will be good.”
- Bertrand Russell.
See “Happiness doesn’t follow success: it’s the other way round”, on aeon.co, HERE.
Summary, Bibliography, Footnotes, and Index
Nine of the ten rules are summarised on Mark's website: The Rules.
The bibliography and footnotes are comprehensive and especially useful for those wanting to dig deeper. An index is, sadly, not present. Nevertheless, that’s a minor complaint about an otherwise excellent book.
My Happy Place
I won’t post pictures of any of the diagrams in the book: you need the full context. So here’s a picture of my ideal happy place - not literally (it’s not me in the photo):
Image: Woman reading in a hammock, in a wood, by a lake (Source.)
See also
• A recipe for happiness in John Pomfret's poem, The Choice, which I've posted and written about HERE.
• An Edwardian approach to making time for self-improvement for a more fulfilling life, in Arnold Bennett's, How to Live on 24 Hours a Day, which I've reviewed HERE.
• A comic and Kafkaesque look a the cost of happiness in Jonas Karlsson's, The Invoice, which I've reviewed HERE.
March 31, 2021
Want to make happiness a big part of your life? Want to face the day with energy and enthusiasm, knowing the work you do, the people you interact with and share your life, the city or town you call home, all click with what you value most?
If your answer is “yes” to any or all of the above but you shake your head, thinking such a life is far from your everyday reality, then I have good news - Mark Hebwood is here to share his own experience along with the stories of others and suggest ways we can examine who we are as individuals and analyze our present situation as a clear first step in understanding how we can begin to enjoy more happiness and fulfillment.
Since Mark’s approach to happiness is up close and personal, here are a number of direct quotes from the book along with my comments that tend likewise to be up close and personal:
“I did not start out in life as balanced and happy as I am now. It took a lifetime of application to get there, and I do not believe there are quick fixes in the pursuit of happiness.” ---------- Marks’s book is a 400-page in-depth breakdown of the various components of what comprises happiness. Also included are charts and graphs to better guide us in our own investigation and self-examination. This to say, Mark recognizes addressing a reader’s happiness requires more than a pamphlet that can be read in ten minutes. This is a serious subject demanding a modest amount of time and energy if we are likewise serious about happiness, both for ourselves and others. There is even a “Happiness Test” in the concluding chapter.
“I have a natural steak of irreverence. One aspect of this is that I do not accept authority before I think it has been earned. It follows, for example, that I should not seek employment in organisations that are innately hierarchical in nature. I am afraid the military, public service and hierarchically structured companies are all out.” ---------- Mark recounts stories in his life stretching back to boyhood, experiences that serve as lessons in coming to know himself better. The overarching lesson: when we know ourselves better, we are better postured to pursue employment that will contribute to our overall happiness.
I couldn’t agree more. Quick story: I’m age thirty-nine and have achieved success working in a particular rigid industry. But, I HATED my job, the people I was around, working in an office. Moving companies wasn’t going to solve my problem – I had to change careers. I did the type of self-analysis Mark outlines and shortly thereafter – bingo. I made a switch to a liberal industry and field career much more in keeping with my personality, skills, values, likes and dislikes.
“I do not like the countryside. . . . If I am honest with myself, I need to realize that I can only live in a big city.” ------- Mark goes into some humorous stories about his hay fever and aversion to animals. So, his answer to the question “where to live to be happy” was relatively easy. Mark lives in London. As it was for me: I have serious issues with insect bites and also have hay fever; I’ve never liked being in small towns or on farms. I want to have access to universities and libraries, museums and theaters and concert halls, live among many people of diverse backgrounds. Thus, I live in Philadelphia. This to emphasize how one big piece of the happiness pie is choosing a locale that is most conducive for our overall happiness.
“I do not want children. I know this with a certainty that eclipses everything else I may know about myself.” ---------- I include this quote since sometimes our self-knowledge might not square with an idealized version of ourselves, many times the ideal formulated based on others’ expectations, parents most notably. This is of critical importance: in our coming to know ourselves more completely, honesty is required: honesty in relation to our views and values respecting marriage partner or choice of significant other. And, most especially, our wish to have or not have children. The happiness of others as well as ourselves is at stake.
Personal note: The woman who was to become my wife did not want children all her young life. After meeting me, she definitely wanted children. We eventually had three children, two boys and a girl – and a great family. And now, four grandchildren. Happy days! Throughout his book, Mark encourages us to continually remain attuned to our lives and recognize taking personal inventory is an ongoing process - since some things will remain the same but others will most definitely change.
“Be the agent, not the victim! Choose the future! You have a choice!” ---------- We are given two case studies, of Dave and of Senait. We can be inspired to change when we read of other people overcoming harsh circumstances to find happiness. Mark encourages us to have the confidence to look to the future and not be bound or see ourselves as trapped by the past. Dave’s story is particularly wonderful – saying to us, in so many words, if Dave can do it, in all likelihood we can as well.
“We are never in possession of all the facts pertaining to somebody’s action or statements.” ------ The chapter on judgement was one of my favorites, how there is a great downside if we are overly judgmental. A polite way of saying not to be a constant complainer; not to be a smellfungus (out-of-date term, which is too bad – it fits so many people’s world view). I myself have seen this over and over through the years - if anybody treats people and all other aspects of life through the limited lens of complaining, faultfinding, negativity and harsh judgement – there is always something to find (and a list of great excuses for not being happy!)
“If we constantly engage in activities that do not make us happy, we create a world for ourselves in which our life enjoyment is only lukewarm.” -------- How true! A lesson to last a lifetime. I grew up in a house with the television always on and turned to high volume. I hate television! As an adult I have always avoided watching television – my time is better spent meditating, reading, writing, taking walks and exercising. And, I can assure you, I live a VERY happy life.
These are but a few gems a reader will find in Mark’s book. Highly recommend!
Mark Hebwood currently lives in London
January 16, 2018
This is an inspiring, insightful, genuinely personal and authentic mediation on life and on how to approach it in a pragmatic, sensible and positive way.
It is not just another of the many generic “self-help” books that currently infest the publishing industry: in fact, this book delivers an insightful, structured, realistic and sensible outlook and approach to the question of how to confront the complexities of life with a heightened awareness of the self, and how to achieve a more balanced, fulfilled and satisfying mode of existence.
The books provides a series of thoughts and some practical recommendations, based on the author's personal experience and insights, that support the process of developing a more knowledgeable and conscious mindset, necessary to achieve such fundamental personal goals.
Contrarily to the large majority of books dealing with this subject matter, I found it refreshing that the author never falls into pretentiousness, nor into pseudo-scientific lecturing. The author has a very endearing self-deprecating and commonsensical style, transpiring honesty and lack of dis-ingenuousness; the author does not pretend that he has achieved some higher level of understanding or knowledge than the reader, and he does not fall into the cheap form of proselytism that characterize so many books of this genre; on the contrary, the author simply shares, with genuine enthusiasm and truthfulness, his own personal experience, perspectives and thoughts about life. And he achieves it with a structured, pragmatic and eminently reasonable approach, never over-simplistic nor needlessly convoluted. Reading this book is like having an interesting, productive and enjoyable conversation with an old friend; you may disagree with some of the views being exposed, and you may find that some views might have possibly needed a bit further elaboration in the book, but you will find the overall conversation enriching, refreshing and thought-provoking, even occasionally peppered with some great sense of humor.
The themes addressed by this book are many and, while the general approach is pragmatic, highly commonsensical, maybe not revolutionary or earth-shattering, on the other hand each chapter contains frequent interesting, original, practically applicable and well-developed insights that invite the reader into a conscious process of deeper analysis and greater understanding of his/her own approach to the many aspects of life (such as balance, authenticity, relationships, personal fulfillment, self-knowledge, how to deal with external circumstances, personal ethics etc) that we all too often leave un-examined or only partially examined, at the ultimate detriment of a fully conscious awareness and enjoyment of life.
I think that every reader will find this book an enriching, thought-provoking and greatly pleasurable reading experience, filled with interesting insights, contagious in its optimism and love for life, never unrealistic nor dogmatic in its approach, and liberating. There is even a chapter on ethics that brilliantly, succinctly and very accessibly delves into themes of ethical analysis as developed in philosophical thought, using the results of this analysis to develop an intriguing personal approach to the issue.
Without getting into the details of each chapter, and without discussing the individual subject matters of this book (for two reasons: firstly because I do not want to provide spoilers, thus unnecessarily detracting from the enjoyment of reading this book; secondly, and more importantly, because many of the themes addressed in this book are intensely personal and therefore each individual reader will have his/her own subjective views), I must however say that this book is something that I very highly recommend to anybody, independently of his/her own stage in life, personal circumstances and perceived level of contentment or personal fulfillment.
I want to stress again that this is no run-of-the-mill self-help book: there is much more to it.
I must also say that I could see myself in many of the author's life experiences, perspectives and his reactions to the life-events that he shared in this book: in particular, his set of values and his irreverent and highly individualistic streak, especially when it comes to forms of formal authority or the conventions and social pressures on the freedom of the individual, is something I completely relate to.
Reading this book has been a great enjoyment to me. A well-deserved 5 stars.
Disclaimer: I was given this book with the understanding that I would provide a honest review. While the author is a GR friend of mine, I have no financial nor any other direct or indirect interest in the book, which I evaluated as honestly and objectively as possible.
It is not just another of the many generic “self-help” books that currently infest the publishing industry: in fact, this book delivers an insightful, structured, realistic and sensible outlook and approach to the question of how to confront the complexities of life with a heightened awareness of the self, and how to achieve a more balanced, fulfilled and satisfying mode of existence.
The books provides a series of thoughts and some practical recommendations, based on the author's personal experience and insights, that support the process of developing a more knowledgeable and conscious mindset, necessary to achieve such fundamental personal goals.
Contrarily to the large majority of books dealing with this subject matter, I found it refreshing that the author never falls into pretentiousness, nor into pseudo-scientific lecturing. The author has a very endearing self-deprecating and commonsensical style, transpiring honesty and lack of dis-ingenuousness; the author does not pretend that he has achieved some higher level of understanding or knowledge than the reader, and he does not fall into the cheap form of proselytism that characterize so many books of this genre; on the contrary, the author simply shares, with genuine enthusiasm and truthfulness, his own personal experience, perspectives and thoughts about life. And he achieves it with a structured, pragmatic and eminently reasonable approach, never over-simplistic nor needlessly convoluted. Reading this book is like having an interesting, productive and enjoyable conversation with an old friend; you may disagree with some of the views being exposed, and you may find that some views might have possibly needed a bit further elaboration in the book, but you will find the overall conversation enriching, refreshing and thought-provoking, even occasionally peppered with some great sense of humor.
The themes addressed by this book are many and, while the general approach is pragmatic, highly commonsensical, maybe not revolutionary or earth-shattering, on the other hand each chapter contains frequent interesting, original, practically applicable and well-developed insights that invite the reader into a conscious process of deeper analysis and greater understanding of his/her own approach to the many aspects of life (such as balance, authenticity, relationships, personal fulfillment, self-knowledge, how to deal with external circumstances, personal ethics etc) that we all too often leave un-examined or only partially examined, at the ultimate detriment of a fully conscious awareness and enjoyment of life.
I think that every reader will find this book an enriching, thought-provoking and greatly pleasurable reading experience, filled with interesting insights, contagious in its optimism and love for life, never unrealistic nor dogmatic in its approach, and liberating. There is even a chapter on ethics that brilliantly, succinctly and very accessibly delves into themes of ethical analysis as developed in philosophical thought, using the results of this analysis to develop an intriguing personal approach to the issue.
Without getting into the details of each chapter, and without discussing the individual subject matters of this book (for two reasons: firstly because I do not want to provide spoilers, thus unnecessarily detracting from the enjoyment of reading this book; secondly, and more importantly, because many of the themes addressed in this book are intensely personal and therefore each individual reader will have his/her own subjective views), I must however say that this book is something that I very highly recommend to anybody, independently of his/her own stage in life, personal circumstances and perceived level of contentment or personal fulfillment.
I want to stress again that this is no run-of-the-mill self-help book: there is much more to it.
I must also say that I could see myself in many of the author's life experiences, perspectives and his reactions to the life-events that he shared in this book: in particular, his set of values and his irreverent and highly individualistic streak, especially when it comes to forms of formal authority or the conventions and social pressures on the freedom of the individual, is something I completely relate to.
Reading this book has been a great enjoyment to me. A well-deserved 5 stars.
Disclaimer: I was given this book with the understanding that I would provide a honest review. While the author is a GR friend of mine, I have no financial nor any other direct or indirect interest in the book, which I evaluated as honestly and objectively as possible.
May 10, 2022
This is a great book on the power of possativity. The author teaches us techniques to cope with and conquer challenges in our lives. I highly recommend this book.
Read
April 7, 2018I am the author of this book, so I am not going to leave a rating. But I wanted to take a moment and add a few lines explaining why I wrote it.
I have thought about the topic of the 'authentic life' for a long time and I can say that I think I succeeded, for the most part, to find it for myself. The idea to write it all down was born during a chat with my girlfriend Ursina some years ago. I cannot remember the exact topic of our conversation, but she was telling me about a difficult decision one of her friends was facing. I remember offering my take on the situation, and also some advice on what I thought her friend should do. I think I must have been quite animated in my response, because I remember that she looked at me and said "you should write this down in a book exactly like you are speaking to me now".
So I did. The result is the book you see here. I wanted it to be a sounding board for those who are trying to develop an authentic life, as non-judgmental as I could make it, more like a chat with a good friend about the issues. The key message of the book is this: You need to know who you are in order to know what you need. And when you know what you need, you need to get it. If you succeed, you will have built a zone in which your strengths matter, but not your weaknesses. This zone, basically, is the 'authentic life', a life which is meaningful to you, in which you can be yourself, and in which you are valued for who you are.
And that is what I am talking about in the book. I can only speak for myself, and I can say that it took time to develop this zone. But I can say that step by step, I did build it, and as a result I feel happy, and well-adjusted, today. I chat about the methods I developed in the book - they worked for me, and there is no reason they should not work for anybody interested in trying them out.
You can learn more about the book on my author page here on Goodreads, or my website at www.markhebwood.com. I'd be delighted to hear any feedback you might want to share, either here on the site or on my personal email mark@hebwood.com.
Kindest,
Mark
I have thought about the topic of the 'authentic life' for a long time and I can say that I think I succeeded, for the most part, to find it for myself. The idea to write it all down was born during a chat with my girlfriend Ursina some years ago. I cannot remember the exact topic of our conversation, but she was telling me about a difficult decision one of her friends was facing. I remember offering my take on the situation, and also some advice on what I thought her friend should do. I think I must have been quite animated in my response, because I remember that she looked at me and said "you should write this down in a book exactly like you are speaking to me now".
So I did. The result is the book you see here. I wanted it to be a sounding board for those who are trying to develop an authentic life, as non-judgmental as I could make it, more like a chat with a good friend about the issues. The key message of the book is this: You need to know who you are in order to know what you need. And when you know what you need, you need to get it. If you succeed, you will have built a zone in which your strengths matter, but not your weaknesses. This zone, basically, is the 'authentic life', a life which is meaningful to you, in which you can be yourself, and in which you are valued for who you are.
And that is what I am talking about in the book. I can only speak for myself, and I can say that it took time to develop this zone. But I can say that step by step, I did build it, and as a result I feel happy, and well-adjusted, today. I chat about the methods I developed in the book - they worked for me, and there is no reason they should not work for anybody interested in trying them out.
You can learn more about the book on my author page here on Goodreads, or my website at www.markhebwood.com. I'd be delighted to hear any feedback you might want to share, either here on the site or on my personal email mark@hebwood.com.
Kindest,
Mark
January 8, 2018
I do not promise anything. This is my story, and the experiences I am discussing are all taken from my life and those of friends and acquaintances. And yet, the methods and tricks I used to build a happy life for myself translate easily into methods and tricks that you can employ in your own life. The ideas, maxims, tools and recipes that I am going to share with you are the result of a lifelong thought process, and they have proven to work for me. None of them are special or private, anybody can apply them and there is no reason to believe that they would not work for you too.
Mark Hebwood's Happiness Rules is a very welcome, and thought provoking, addition to the Self Help genre, not least as it is rather different to most books of this nature.
Hebwood sets his stall out up front. He isn't a qualified psychiatrist or psychologist (although he has an impressive understanding of both for a layperson), he doesn't offer any silver bullets or make any promises, he certainly doesn't promise instant results.
But what he is is a) happy and b) highly analytical: his happiness hasn't come easily, it is something he has carefully worked on and thought about for years - and he offers up the various tools he has developed as something that may work for the reader, in particular the reader prepared to equally work on becoming happy.
One key test for me is whether such a philosophy / self-help book can avoid the systemic traps of most such books, notably best-selling, ones that I have encountered. I discussed these in my review of Angela Duckworth's Grit, a book I actually strongly enjoyed and gave 4 stars but which still suffered from these generic faults:
1) a question as to whether one gains much from actually reading the book over and above an executive summary (or, in that case, TED talk)
2) an overreliance on homely anecdotes
3) research findings and conclusions expressed via rather dodgy statistical conclusions and pseudo-scientific formulae
1), it should be said, is typically a corollary of 2) and 3) since in such books anecdotes are often there as padding, and written to suit the conclusions and the pseudo-science is again back-fitted to conclusions already reached, and both are ultimately designed to turn a 5 page mantra into a 300 page book.
Fortunately, Happiness avoids these traps successfully (almost uniquely in my experience of peer books) and, on reflection, this is because while anecdotes, as per trap 2, certainly play a key part, these are messy real-life stories, warts and all, from the lives of Hebwood and some close friends, and the detailed and reflective analysis of them is key to Hebwood's approach, both to the book, but also, as we will see below, his approach to life in general.
E.g. in at least one case, the chapter on receiving advice, I would suggest the analysis leads him to a different conclusion that I suspect he began with. Here his analysis finds that the key is not, as one may assume a priori, how well the advice giver knows you, but rather how well you know (and trust) whether they know you well or not. His examples of good advice ignored, or bad advice followed, all have this latter feature as a point of failure (not realising someone knows you perhaps better than you know yourself, or assuming knowledge of your specific circumstance that doesn't exist).
Hebwood's 10 Rules can be found at his website: http://www.markhebwood.com/the-rules/..., but the strength of the book is such that is passes test 1) with flying colours as well - you will certainly need to read, and indeed study, the book to fully benefit from the author's insights. And Hebwood trained as an actuarial scientist, and now works as a City analyst: there are certainly no dodgy stats or pseudo-scientific formulae here.
But if there are simple takeaways from a deeply thoughtful book they lie in some of the tools that the author develops. I will summarise a few as they illustrate both the strength of the book but also Hebwood's approach.
In the first chapter he develops the approach of Experience Mining, looking at the stories and anecdotes from one's life as a way to self-knowledge:
If we feel so inclined , we can analyse the stories that come to us in more depth , or discuss them with friends and family . If we do this regularly , we can develop a deeper insight into our personality , and consequently into what is good for us and what is not . This process reminds me of digging out minerals from the ground and so I will refer to this method as Experience Mining.
Note that mining is a hard, lengthy process, Hebwood is not advocating scratching the surface but rather:
I am proposing that we enter into a question - and - answer conversation with ourselves , a conversation that asks why at every step of the way . Why did I behave in a particular way ? What did I feel in a particular situation ? Was my behaviour consistent with how I behaved in other similar situations ? If not , why not ? And so on . I am proposing not to give in and not to accept initial insights as sufficient . I am proposing to probe the depths of an experience with as much perseverance as we can and to dig out some nuggets of self-insight .
In the section on decision making I was delighted to see, what I think is the first appearance in print, of the Dice Test for making decisions where the key is to flush out one's subconscious desire. This is one I have used successfully myself and indeed for some material decisions: I would argue Hebwood possibly underestimates its applicability.
But in tune with his analytical approach, Hebwood refines this in to his Abacus Test. I can't do it justice in this review but in simple terms it involves analysing a decision (he gives the example of competing job offers) in quantitative detail, but, where the quantitative decision goes against one's gut instinct, analysing why, and what exactly might change it to the right answer. A simple example, of my own, may be realising that personal holiday is key to one's happiness and that job A, otherwise superior, can only be accepted if the prospective employer is prepared to increase the days of holiday, even if at the expense of other elements of their proposed package.
One obvious challenge to any theory of happiness is that it is largely outside the individual's control, so perhaps the most provocative chapter is entitled 'Everything is Your Fault.' But crucially, he isn't saying this is the case, but rather that it healthy to adopt this as a mindset, taking control rather than being a victim, and he develops a tool of Mock Self-Incrimination. Notably in this chapter, the examples are drawn from real-life and extreme cases - e.g. Dave Pelzer's A Child Called "It" - rather than his own, to illustrate the point.
Of course , it may not always be the case that my own actions set things in motion that affect me in turn . But it will often be the case.
And even when it is not the case , even when I am the innocent victim of a burglary or a car accident , a mindset of Mock Self-Incrimination may empower me to act and deal more competently with the problems life throws at me . May . Not will . As ever, there are no guarantees.
And in the section on relationships, in particular deciding whether a relationship will work for you, whether your partner really is 'the one', he introduces Epiphany Recognition where:
we take note of experiences and record how we feel about them . We need to be honest with ourselves and not censor our emotive responses . There is no such thing as an immature response , an inappropriate reaction or an embarrassing emotion . All responses are private, and we take note of them in private . I suggest we take brief note of our responses and then move on.
None of them is likely to be significant in itself , but over time they will bind together into an ambient or dominant feel . This feel can be positive or negative , but it will be there, mostly in our subconscious . But there will be events that bring this quality out! There will be experiences that make the elusive feel tangible, that turn it into something that we consciously understand. These events are important . They can be anything :a look, something a person does or says, something a friend says, a shared joy, a shared concern.
When these events happen, we need to sit up and take note . These are the events which we need to analyse . These are the emotions we need to understand. It is not important what these events are, but it is important that we recognise them for what they are and that we do not let them go. These events are glimpses into the quality of our relationship . They are the epiphanies I refer to in the name of my tool .
The trick is to let the subconscious do the work and capture the moment when it rises to the surface and delivers an insight. In this, Epiphany Recognition is like catching a fish . We must not let it slip away, but once caught, we still need to prepare it. We need to recognise the insight for what it is, but then need to evaluate it consciously and understand its significance intellectually.
The 5 star rating is, in my view, fully justified but no book is perfect or entirely comprehensive. There are some areas where I would perhaps challenge, if not criticise, points I would like to discuss with other readers and indeed the author, and these would largely relate to how widely it can be applied.
As established at outset, this is ultimately Mark Hebwood's philosophy and what works for him. But his outlook on life does I think colour his approach, notably this early statement in the section on self-awareness:
I do not want children. I know this with a certainty that eclipses everything else I may know about myself. The reasons for this are complex, but ultimately come down to the fact that I wish to keep my life free of responsibilities that I do not enjoy having.
I wonder whether the philosophy suggested can function as a recipe for happiness at the collective rather than individual level: in the language of the most philosophical chapter of the book, that on Ethics, does this approach meet Kant's Categorical Imperative? Akin to the economic debate between believes in Adam Smith's invisible hand and the more socialist view of the world.
Indeed this is likely to particularly be an issue in cultures where collective happiness is emphasised over individual self-gratification - as someone married to a Korean I am particularly conscious of their 우리 (we/us) culture and notion of the collective self (e.g. see The Conceptual Self in Context: Culture Experience Self Understanding).
And as a parent I do think having children - and to my Kantian point, if people didn't then the human race would die out - does raise a number of unique challenges of its own.
But as I said these are points for discussion.
Perhaps my only other caution / advice to the reader, is to put one's prejudice aside. I fear that some will pick up a book on Happiness written by a London-based City banker, healthy and in a happy relationship, in particular read page 1 describing how his Epiphany as to his own happiness came on an all-expenses paid business trip to the US and think 'if I was dealt the same cards in life as you, mate, then I'd be happy as well'. That would be a great pity as while this isn't a 'follow my tips and you too can be a millionaire' book, but the tools developed can largely be applied in any situation.
In conclusion, one can only echo the author's own modest words:
In each chapter I give you lots of stories and then bring them together with what I hope is some analytical rigour. But at the end of the day , after all the stories and the analysis and the thoughts and the suggestions, what I think will remain are a few insights , tricks and methods for how to build a happier life.
Mark Hebwood's Happiness Rules is a very welcome, and thought provoking, addition to the Self Help genre, not least as it is rather different to most books of this nature.
Hebwood sets his stall out up front. He isn't a qualified psychiatrist or psychologist (although he has an impressive understanding of both for a layperson), he doesn't offer any silver bullets or make any promises, he certainly doesn't promise instant results.
But what he is is a) happy and b) highly analytical: his happiness hasn't come easily, it is something he has carefully worked on and thought about for years - and he offers up the various tools he has developed as something that may work for the reader, in particular the reader prepared to equally work on becoming happy.
One key test for me is whether such a philosophy / self-help book can avoid the systemic traps of most such books, notably best-selling, ones that I have encountered. I discussed these in my review of Angela Duckworth's Grit, a book I actually strongly enjoyed and gave 4 stars but which still suffered from these generic faults:
1) a question as to whether one gains much from actually reading the book over and above an executive summary (or, in that case, TED talk)
2) an overreliance on homely anecdotes
3) research findings and conclusions expressed via rather dodgy statistical conclusions and pseudo-scientific formulae
1), it should be said, is typically a corollary of 2) and 3) since in such books anecdotes are often there as padding, and written to suit the conclusions and the pseudo-science is again back-fitted to conclusions already reached, and both are ultimately designed to turn a 5 page mantra into a 300 page book.
Fortunately, Happiness avoids these traps successfully (almost uniquely in my experience of peer books) and, on reflection, this is because while anecdotes, as per trap 2, certainly play a key part, these are messy real-life stories, warts and all, from the lives of Hebwood and some close friends, and the detailed and reflective analysis of them is key to Hebwood's approach, both to the book, but also, as we will see below, his approach to life in general.
E.g. in at least one case, the chapter on receiving advice, I would suggest the analysis leads him to a different conclusion that I suspect he began with. Here his analysis finds that the key is not, as one may assume a priori, how well the advice giver knows you, but rather how well you know (and trust) whether they know you well or not. His examples of good advice ignored, or bad advice followed, all have this latter feature as a point of failure (not realising someone knows you perhaps better than you know yourself, or assuming knowledge of your specific circumstance that doesn't exist).
Hebwood's 10 Rules can be found at his website: http://www.markhebwood.com/the-rules/..., but the strength of the book is such that is passes test 1) with flying colours as well - you will certainly need to read, and indeed study, the book to fully benefit from the author's insights. And Hebwood trained as an actuarial scientist, and now works as a City analyst: there are certainly no dodgy stats or pseudo-scientific formulae here.
But if there are simple takeaways from a deeply thoughtful book they lie in some of the tools that the author develops. I will summarise a few as they illustrate both the strength of the book but also Hebwood's approach.
In the first chapter he develops the approach of Experience Mining, looking at the stories and anecdotes from one's life as a way to self-knowledge:
If we feel so inclined , we can analyse the stories that come to us in more depth , or discuss them with friends and family . If we do this regularly , we can develop a deeper insight into our personality , and consequently into what is good for us and what is not . This process reminds me of digging out minerals from the ground and so I will refer to this method as Experience Mining.
Note that mining is a hard, lengthy process, Hebwood is not advocating scratching the surface but rather:
I am proposing that we enter into a question - and - answer conversation with ourselves , a conversation that asks why at every step of the way . Why did I behave in a particular way ? What did I feel in a particular situation ? Was my behaviour consistent with how I behaved in other similar situations ? If not , why not ? And so on . I am proposing not to give in and not to accept initial insights as sufficient . I am proposing to probe the depths of an experience with as much perseverance as we can and to dig out some nuggets of self-insight .
In the section on decision making I was delighted to see, what I think is the first appearance in print, of the Dice Test for making decisions where the key is to flush out one's subconscious desire. This is one I have used successfully myself and indeed for some material decisions: I would argue Hebwood possibly underestimates its applicability.
But in tune with his analytical approach, Hebwood refines this in to his Abacus Test. I can't do it justice in this review but in simple terms it involves analysing a decision (he gives the example of competing job offers) in quantitative detail, but, where the quantitative decision goes against one's gut instinct, analysing why, and what exactly might change it to the right answer. A simple example, of my own, may be realising that personal holiday is key to one's happiness and that job A, otherwise superior, can only be accepted if the prospective employer is prepared to increase the days of holiday, even if at the expense of other elements of their proposed package.
One obvious challenge to any theory of happiness is that it is largely outside the individual's control, so perhaps the most provocative chapter is entitled 'Everything is Your Fault.' But crucially, he isn't saying this is the case, but rather that it healthy to adopt this as a mindset, taking control rather than being a victim, and he develops a tool of Mock Self-Incrimination. Notably in this chapter, the examples are drawn from real-life and extreme cases - e.g. Dave Pelzer's A Child Called "It" - rather than his own, to illustrate the point.
Of course , it may not always be the case that my own actions set things in motion that affect me in turn . But it will often be the case.
And even when it is not the case , even when I am the innocent victim of a burglary or a car accident , a mindset of Mock Self-Incrimination may empower me to act and deal more competently with the problems life throws at me . May . Not will . As ever, there are no guarantees.
And in the section on relationships, in particular deciding whether a relationship will work for you, whether your partner really is 'the one', he introduces Epiphany Recognition where:
we take note of experiences and record how we feel about them . We need to be honest with ourselves and not censor our emotive responses . There is no such thing as an immature response , an inappropriate reaction or an embarrassing emotion . All responses are private, and we take note of them in private . I suggest we take brief note of our responses and then move on.
None of them is likely to be significant in itself , but over time they will bind together into an ambient or dominant feel . This feel can be positive or negative , but it will be there, mostly in our subconscious . But there will be events that bring this quality out! There will be experiences that make the elusive feel tangible, that turn it into something that we consciously understand. These events are important . They can be anything :a look, something a person does or says, something a friend says, a shared joy, a shared concern.
When these events happen, we need to sit up and take note . These are the events which we need to analyse . These are the emotions we need to understand. It is not important what these events are, but it is important that we recognise them for what they are and that we do not let them go. These events are glimpses into the quality of our relationship . They are the epiphanies I refer to in the name of my tool .
The trick is to let the subconscious do the work and capture the moment when it rises to the surface and delivers an insight. In this, Epiphany Recognition is like catching a fish . We must not let it slip away, but once caught, we still need to prepare it. We need to recognise the insight for what it is, but then need to evaluate it consciously and understand its significance intellectually.
The 5 star rating is, in my view, fully justified but no book is perfect or entirely comprehensive. There are some areas where I would perhaps challenge, if not criticise, points I would like to discuss with other readers and indeed the author, and these would largely relate to how widely it can be applied.
As established at outset, this is ultimately Mark Hebwood's philosophy and what works for him. But his outlook on life does I think colour his approach, notably this early statement in the section on self-awareness:
I do not want children. I know this with a certainty that eclipses everything else I may know about myself. The reasons for this are complex, but ultimately come down to the fact that I wish to keep my life free of responsibilities that I do not enjoy having.
I wonder whether the philosophy suggested can function as a recipe for happiness at the collective rather than individual level: in the language of the most philosophical chapter of the book, that on Ethics, does this approach meet Kant's Categorical Imperative? Akin to the economic debate between believes in Adam Smith's invisible hand and the more socialist view of the world.
Indeed this is likely to particularly be an issue in cultures where collective happiness is emphasised over individual self-gratification - as someone married to a Korean I am particularly conscious of their 우리 (we/us) culture and notion of the collective self (e.g. see The Conceptual Self in Context: Culture Experience Self Understanding).
And as a parent I do think having children - and to my Kantian point, if people didn't then the human race would die out - does raise a number of unique challenges of its own.
But as I said these are points for discussion.
Perhaps my only other caution / advice to the reader, is to put one's prejudice aside. I fear that some will pick up a book on Happiness written by a London-based City banker, healthy and in a happy relationship, in particular read page 1 describing how his Epiphany as to his own happiness came on an all-expenses paid business trip to the US and think 'if I was dealt the same cards in life as you, mate, then I'd be happy as well'. That would be a great pity as while this isn't a 'follow my tips and you too can be a millionaire' book, but the tools developed can largely be applied in any situation.
In conclusion, one can only echo the author's own modest words:
In each chapter I give you lots of stories and then bring them together with what I hope is some analytical rigour. But at the end of the day , after all the stories and the analysis and the thoughts and the suggestions, what I think will remain are a few insights , tricks and methods for how to build a happier life.
January 17, 2018
You may learn more about who you are, find out what really matters to you, care less about what others expect of you, make decisions more confidently, control your life more efficiently, develop internal balance by letting go of the urge to judge others, learn how to take advice, how to find a partner who loves you for who you are, assemble a tool kit to shape your world, and develop a positive attitude towards yourself. Anything else? Oh yes, and learn how to tell “right” from “wrong”.
Bookshops are full of books from the philosophical/self-help genre – many of which make claims that reading them can transform your life, but which in practice tend to be full of fairly meaningless platitudes and woolly generalisations.
This outstanding book has an opening chapter with the bold claims above – and yet, unlike so many of its competitors, actually has the potential for a reader engages with it in a honest, reflective and analytical way to realise these claims.
And Mark Hebwood expects nothing of the reader that he is not prepared to do (and has not done himself). Each chapter: contains a range of sometimes humorous, sometimes painfully honest stories from the life of the author (or his close friends); each followed by very detailed reflection on what he learnt about life and, more importantly about himself, from these incidents; this is then followed by a detailed analytical approach to summarise these learnings into an overall rule (often accompanied by a number of methods, approaches or tricks that the reader can adapt and adopt).
Adaption being a key word here as the foundational principle and rule that Hebwood bases the book on is that no approach to gaining happiness can work without first of all understanding who you are.
The first full chapter (and rule) introduces the vital technique of: analysing ones own experiences; reflecting at length on them – why did you react the way you did, why did they happen to you; discussing them with friends and family; revisiting them for further layers of insight; all with the aim of gaining a deeper level of self knowledge.
Hebwood compares this process to mineral extraction and christens it Experience Mining, and of course it is the very technique that, refined by him over 20-30 years, has bought us this deeply insightful and highly recommended book.
February 15, 2021
3.5 stars
Another book on working to become happier, and working out what 'happy' is to us. This book contemplates on the dynamics, on the road which is not quick or easy, but isn't impossible either. This book gives some tools to use, starting with a section on self-knowledge (crucial in working out the later steps in part two), figuring out the rules, and getting there. The last chapter comes back to self-knowledge with a useful 'happiness test'.
The author writes under a pen name. He is a German living in London, working as a research analyst in the City. His realisation of his own state of happiness inspired this book, and his uses examples out of his own life to illustrate the ideas.
He stresses throughout the book the importance of self-knowledge, for which he gives tools in the first chapter, through the method of 'experience mining' (that is: reflecting on past moments, both positive and negative, to know more about one's self, one's likes and dislikes, what one is like and what has made one happy or not). He then goes on to how to make decisions, with simple and complex ways of doing it.
Then we get to 'getting it': some chapters have provocative titles, starting with the third chapter, that looks like 'blame all on yourself' but is actually more 'what mistakes did you make in this situation (no, not all were yours)'. There's a chapter on conquering hard circumstances, how to judge less, the ways of seeking advice, finding true love (he uses 'find a friend' as the title, which is not quite right) if you haven't paired up yet and want to – if you don't care, skip to next chapter!
The thickest chapter is the 8th, on shaping your world: how to deal with hard situations and keep your integrity, how to be nice in your daily meetings of people (even the briefest), how to have comfort zones at work and at home, on your goals and how far to reach (the point about dealing with disappointment is a bit flawed in that he doesn't give tips on how to do *that*.
His chapter on ethics is unintentionally complicated IMO, and his EHT method solution likewise. It's the only chapter without much use to me (the chapter about getting a 'friend' might come useful someday, at least). And then we get back to self-knowledge thing through his Happiness Test, which is actually pretty easy to get, though I choose to ignore the Happiness Chart, which I didn't really need in interpreting the Happiness grid the author got from his answers to the Test.
And then the book ends, with no afterword really, though he does thank those who were helpful in making this book, and gives a list of works quoted. No index.
I found this book mostly 3.5, sometimes 3, and even slipping once below 2. I think he used his experiences with his ex-girlfriend, Mary (like most of the names here, invented to protect) quite well, though I started to feel awkward about their use as the book went on, even he was somewhat nicely neutral even about the negative experiences.
Still, it was useful to read this book; I found many hints and ideas that I could use, though some chapters failed, or were so-so, or only partly good. Worth reading, definitely, and has many ideas to ponder about.
Another book on working to become happier, and working out what 'happy' is to us. This book contemplates on the dynamics, on the road which is not quick or easy, but isn't impossible either. This book gives some tools to use, starting with a section on self-knowledge (crucial in working out the later steps in part two), figuring out the rules, and getting there. The last chapter comes back to self-knowledge with a useful 'happiness test'.
The author writes under a pen name. He is a German living in London, working as a research analyst in the City. His realisation of his own state of happiness inspired this book, and his uses examples out of his own life to illustrate the ideas.
He stresses throughout the book the importance of self-knowledge, for which he gives tools in the first chapter, through the method of 'experience mining' (that is: reflecting on past moments, both positive and negative, to know more about one's self, one's likes and dislikes, what one is like and what has made one happy or not). He then goes on to how to make decisions, with simple and complex ways of doing it.
Then we get to 'getting it': some chapters have provocative titles, starting with the third chapter, that looks like 'blame all on yourself' but is actually more 'what mistakes did you make in this situation (no, not all were yours)'. There's a chapter on conquering hard circumstances, how to judge less, the ways of seeking advice, finding true love (he uses 'find a friend' as the title, which is not quite right) if you haven't paired up yet and want to – if you don't care, skip to next chapter!
The thickest chapter is the 8th, on shaping your world: how to deal with hard situations and keep your integrity, how to be nice in your daily meetings of people (even the briefest), how to have comfort zones at work and at home, on your goals and how far to reach (the point about dealing with disappointment is a bit flawed in that he doesn't give tips on how to do *that*.
His chapter on ethics is unintentionally complicated IMO, and his EHT method solution likewise. It's the only chapter without much use to me (the chapter about getting a 'friend' might come useful someday, at least). And then we get back to self-knowledge thing through his Happiness Test, which is actually pretty easy to get, though I choose to ignore the Happiness Chart, which I didn't really need in interpreting the Happiness grid the author got from his answers to the Test.
And then the book ends, with no afterword really, though he does thank those who were helpful in making this book, and gives a list of works quoted. No index.
I found this book mostly 3.5, sometimes 3, and even slipping once below 2. I think he used his experiences with his ex-girlfriend, Mary (like most of the names here, invented to protect) quite well, though I started to feel awkward about their use as the book went on, even he was somewhat nicely neutral even about the negative experiences.
Still, it was useful to read this book; I found many hints and ideas that I could use, though some chapters failed, or were so-so, or only partly good. Worth reading, definitely, and has many ideas to ponder about.
November 20, 2022
Mark Hebwood writes in a very personable style; it is almost like he is talking to you. Some have even described it as having a conversation with the author. I would not necessarily go that far, but even though he talks about himself, it is like his focus is on you. Or, on him, it is like eavesdropping on someone having a conversation with himself.
The layout of the book is a set rules, which are equivalent to chapters. He starts out with an important point in the first part of the book. It is hard to see how one can be happy without a good understanding of oneself. The other chapter in this part is on making decisions with two tests one can perform in making them. The second part starts with another important point—take control of your life. He also discusses the importance of problem solving, not judging others, asking for advice, having friends and a significant other, knowing what you want, and acting morally. The final chapter is about a happiness test that he has devised to help figure out where you are in life.
The following are comments based on specific pieces of the text based on notes I took while I was reading the book. Kindle locations are in brackets []. The “@” symbol in front of a Kindle location indicates where I thought of a comment, but that was not linked to a specific part of the text.
[1027] “Should I have tiramisu or apple pie for dessert?” is on Hebwood’s list of “innocuous” choices. I might not include it on this list, since it would come down to which I would like to bake, which means far more to me than just choosing which one to eat.
[1419] “A mindset that blames circumstances for a personal predicament relinquishes control. A mindset that searches for reasons in our own actions remains in control.” Why focus on blame at all? Just look to see what our role in the situation might have been, and then search for a solution. I do not see blame as necessarily playing a bad role, but what is important is that we look to take control (what can I do?) our own actions, now—let the past be a lesson only.
[2413] “If you get to know who you are, and go on to like yourself, you have obtained the key to happiness.” I would qualify this a bit to one of the major keys to happiness. Another thought I had here is the need for you to be your own best friend.
[@2469] In chapter four he covered how two individuals overcame the most terrible childhoods to become stable and even flourishing persons as adults. While certainly illustrative, I wonder what the statistics are on how many such individuals actually do overcome their horribly abusive childhoods. I just cannot imagine that the two people he covered are the typical outcomes. But, again I do not feel this was Hebwood’s point. I feel that he was after showing that it can be done.
[2749] ”I believe the more we are discontented with our own lives, the more we may be inclined to judge.” I know someone’s sister that seems to illustrated this point. It also goes with a recent blog post I wrote (“Can Mean People Be Happy?”*) about mean people being incapable of “normal” happiness.
[2805] He writes, “I evaluated the actions as if they were abstract examples in a text book on ethics or practical philosophy” in discussing how he was “judging” the person not what that person did. I wonder whether or not basing your ethical decisions from a book is either wise or possible anyway.
[2815] His “information . . . was not first-hand. In fact, it was third-hand . . .” Actually, most of our knowledge is not first-hand, which does not necessarily make it bad. I wrote another blog post (“Are You Certain?^) were I discuss in part how handed our knowledge is.
[3752] “I confess that I feel my life enriched beyond measure through my relationship [with Ursina]. Yet, I never missed anything when I was single, and I do not miss being single now.” This sounds like he is comfortable with himself. I would point out, that while there is great merit in having meaningful relationships (whether single or partnered), no relationship should be a defining feature of ourselves.
[3815] “When establishing a relationship, it is important to find your potential partner in a setting that puts you at ease.” At the risk of disclosure would this include meeting in a state mental hospital? Actually, it was my job (I was asked by staff) to make my future partner at ease when she appeared on the open ward (cottage) I was in.
[3988] “Going steady is a third phase, and is typically sealed by a public ceremony (marriage, civil partnership) or personal vows.” The form of going steady I was familiar with (the teenage era) was a relationship that was supposed to be an exclusive one, but the notion that it was to end in permanency was never expected.
[4198] “I remember long evenings in the Borders bookshop . . .” I also have fond memories of spending time in Borders. It was an activity that happiness seemed attached to.
[4537] I considered “Moon River” to be one of my family cats theme song. After going to a pet store for some cat supplies my mother saw an all gray cat playing with the lock on the cage she was in. My mom just had to go back and buy her, and thus set her free. After playing no role in naming two previous cats (my brothers monopolized this) she wanted to name this one. When she was younger she thought that if she ever owned a cat she would name it “cat” like the character in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” did with her cat. But, at the time of getting her she thought that that was perhaps not such a good name after all, so she name her Tiffany after the movie. It is funny that my girlfriend will call our cat (Baxter) “cat” when he misbehaves.
[4869] “To summarize [sticking to your guns], if we learn to harness the power of our emotions in a way that means they lend resolve, conviction or spirit to a rational argument . . . we will have mastered an important skill . . .” As I see it, and neuroscience tends to back this up, thinking and emotions, or feelings, when they are conscious, are inseparable. We are never without emotions, and while rational thought is possible they can be colored and driven by emotions and often are. Matter of fact I would classify “resolve” and “conviction” as feelings. These are just some of the feelings that are necessary sometimes to carry out an action that has been thought out.
[@5203] I wholeheartedly agree with this whole section about being nice. I am working on a blog post about niceness and ethics. It will be called “Is Niceness Enough?”
[5233] He quotes this guy at the newsagent (newsstand for us Americans) “’The reason people are not happy is because they want things before the time is right. And they want the wrong things. They don’t follow their destiny. I don’t want things that I can’t have and I know there’s a right time for everything in life. Because I know that, I’m calm and I have no stress.’” (author’s italics) This sounds like stoicism. While there is some wisdom in what this guy said, I cannot jump on board. First, it sounds like fate is what determines the life someone lives. Second, without desire life lacks goals, and without goals life can seem to have no purpose. Third, stress is a normal component of life. While it can do great damage to the body and the psyche, it can be a prime motivator in life. So fourth, I find it hard to believe this guy has no stress. Lastly, you might not know what you can accomplish unless you try. I feel it is better to have tried and failed, than to have not tried at all. This reminds me of the phrase: “It is better to have loved and lost, then to not have loved at all.”
[5279] “And as for health, well this is clearly important, but a discussion of fitness is firmly outside the scope of this book.” I wonder why Hebwood thinks this is outside the scope of his book. For me, while not an “absolutely” necessity, a healthy diet and regular exercise is I believe an important component to my own happiness.†
[6386] Quoting Kant: “There is therefore but one categorical imperative, namely this: Act only on that maxim whereby thou canst at the same time will that it should become a universal law.” How is this really different from the Golden Rule. Plus, “universal” I think is a little strong here. Most oughts in life come with exception clauses. I feel Hebwood realizes this later on [6434].
[6572] Quoting totally outside of context: “I found in an old book . . . the whole is greater than the part.” (my italics) Except for some infinite sets. Could not resist.
[6583] “This principle [self-preservation] is universal and all life forms have developed mechanisms that ensure the preservation of their individual existence, and by extension their species.” This is the basis of a natural law ethical principle (one used to prohibit killing) and is plainly not correct in human beings and other species as well. Human beings often choose to end their own life (for manifold reasons), and some do not intend to have children. There are cases in other animals that they will risk their own life for those of another. And, in many species not all animals participate in producing the next generation. So even nature has exception clauses.
This was a good book, maybe because of its personal style. Instead of just looking at obtaining happiness, which if sought is most often illusive, I think that the book explains one route to improving one’s life. With improvement one will generally find yourself happier than you were before your life improved. Mark Hebwood writes well and kept this reader, at least, interested throughout. Although, I am not a fan of self help books, which this one is not your typical one (no pop psychology), it made many valid observations and good points. I do not think one would go wrong in following the books advice.
While the book explores just one avenue to happiness, it brings up a number of good points. The first and last of which is to know who you are. Knowing who you are includes knowing your strengths and weaknesses, your needs and wants, and other aspects of your personality. The chapter on “everything is your fault” was a chapter that I struggled with its focus. I think it is much more important to focus on what you can do, instead of focusing on blame at all. In other words gain as much control of your present and future as you can. The past is gone, and except for using it as a learning tool, it is not so worthy of concern it this context. Hebwood still provided the needed component here and in the following chapter, taking control of your life. Judgment day (do not judge others, only their actions) is upon us—I feel he has made a good point here. It is difficult to know all the facts. That is one reason I usually preface a comment on others with “I feel.”‡ And as he pointed out, the person who tends to judge a lot is often not satisfied with his or her life; I would say also that he or she is usually carrying around a good deal of resentment. Seeking advice is usually a good idea, especially when something major is going on in your life. I would say that friendship is certainly a key component to happiness, and finding an enriching partner is the most fulfilling relationship of all. The only competitor with this is an enriching occupation, which I believe he speaks about in chapter eight. I feel that he did a fair job in his chapter on being a moral person. Ethics contains more gray than black and white rules. Therefore, it is a subject that takes a good deal of nuance in my opinion. Still, the “golden rule” makes a good contribution here—Kant’s categorical imperative, not so much. I think a key component in morality is respect, which I think demands that one seeks in general to be nice to others. Finally, I found his happiness test to be very interesting. Even so, I have not and might not take it, as I feel I know where I am with my life. It basically sums up how satisfied you are with your life. It is not a survey or questionnaire, which have too many issues with them to be very useful in finding out whether you are happy or not.
My recommendation for this book is that it would be best suited to a seeker after self-knowledge. Will one be happier as a result of having read it? I do not know. First, one would need to read it, but then on needs to apply it to one’s life for happiness to arise. I have a friend who reads tons of self help books, but he never seems to apply much of it in his life. So, my final recommendation is to go ahead and read it; you might be pleasantly surprised.
I have changed my rating of this book because of the poor ethical behavior of the author towards his attitudes and communications of transgender woman (me). Plus, his failure to read and comment on blog post I had written. In particularly "What is Human Flourishing?" Granted, I am the author, but it offers as better analysis of happiness then his book. Also I have found no lasting value to the book since I have read. It has had absolutely no improvement to my life. I am just as happy as I ever was, which is fairly high. Who can say this after washing up the dishes from a large and expensive meal.
* https://aquestionersjourney.wordpress...
^ https://aquestionersjourney.wordpress...
† I write about its importance in another blog post - https://aquestionersjourney.wordpress...
‡ I talk about this use in my blog post - https://aquestionersjourney.wordpress...
The layout of the book is a set rules, which are equivalent to chapters. He starts out with an important point in the first part of the book. It is hard to see how one can be happy without a good understanding of oneself. The other chapter in this part is on making decisions with two tests one can perform in making them. The second part starts with another important point—take control of your life. He also discusses the importance of problem solving, not judging others, asking for advice, having friends and a significant other, knowing what you want, and acting morally. The final chapter is about a happiness test that he has devised to help figure out where you are in life.
The following are comments based on specific pieces of the text based on notes I took while I was reading the book. Kindle locations are in brackets []. The “@” symbol in front of a Kindle location indicates where I thought of a comment, but that was not linked to a specific part of the text.
[1027] “Should I have tiramisu or apple pie for dessert?” is on Hebwood’s list of “innocuous” choices. I might not include it on this list, since it would come down to which I would like to bake, which means far more to me than just choosing which one to eat.
[1419] “A mindset that blames circumstances for a personal predicament relinquishes control. A mindset that searches for reasons in our own actions remains in control.” Why focus on blame at all? Just look to see what our role in the situation might have been, and then search for a solution. I do not see blame as necessarily playing a bad role, but what is important is that we look to take control (what can I do?) our own actions, now—let the past be a lesson only.
[2413] “If you get to know who you are, and go on to like yourself, you have obtained the key to happiness.” I would qualify this a bit to one of the major keys to happiness. Another thought I had here is the need for you to be your own best friend.
[@2469] In chapter four he covered how two individuals overcame the most terrible childhoods to become stable and even flourishing persons as adults. While certainly illustrative, I wonder what the statistics are on how many such individuals actually do overcome their horribly abusive childhoods. I just cannot imagine that the two people he covered are the typical outcomes. But, again I do not feel this was Hebwood’s point. I feel that he was after showing that it can be done.
[2749] ”I believe the more we are discontented with our own lives, the more we may be inclined to judge.” I know someone’s sister that seems to illustrated this point. It also goes with a recent blog post I wrote (“Can Mean People Be Happy?”*) about mean people being incapable of “normal” happiness.
[2805] He writes, “I evaluated the actions as if they were abstract examples in a text book on ethics or practical philosophy” in discussing how he was “judging” the person not what that person did. I wonder whether or not basing your ethical decisions from a book is either wise or possible anyway.
[2815] His “information . . . was not first-hand. In fact, it was third-hand . . .” Actually, most of our knowledge is not first-hand, which does not necessarily make it bad. I wrote another blog post (“Are You Certain?^) were I discuss in part how handed our knowledge is.
[3752] “I confess that I feel my life enriched beyond measure through my relationship [with Ursina]. Yet, I never missed anything when I was single, and I do not miss being single now.” This sounds like he is comfortable with himself. I would point out, that while there is great merit in having meaningful relationships (whether single or partnered), no relationship should be a defining feature of ourselves.
[3815] “When establishing a relationship, it is important to find your potential partner in a setting that puts you at ease.” At the risk of disclosure would this include meeting in a state mental hospital? Actually, it was my job (I was asked by staff) to make my future partner at ease when she appeared on the open ward (cottage) I was in.
[3988] “Going steady is a third phase, and is typically sealed by a public ceremony (marriage, civil partnership) or personal vows.” The form of going steady I was familiar with (the teenage era) was a relationship that was supposed to be an exclusive one, but the notion that it was to end in permanency was never expected.
[4198] “I remember long evenings in the Borders bookshop . . .” I also have fond memories of spending time in Borders. It was an activity that happiness seemed attached to.
[4537] I considered “Moon River” to be one of my family cats theme song. After going to a pet store for some cat supplies my mother saw an all gray cat playing with the lock on the cage she was in. My mom just had to go back and buy her, and thus set her free. After playing no role in naming two previous cats (my brothers monopolized this) she wanted to name this one. When she was younger she thought that if she ever owned a cat she would name it “cat” like the character in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” did with her cat. But, at the time of getting her she thought that that was perhaps not such a good name after all, so she name her Tiffany after the movie. It is funny that my girlfriend will call our cat (Baxter) “cat” when he misbehaves.
[4869] “To summarize [sticking to your guns], if we learn to harness the power of our emotions in a way that means they lend resolve, conviction or spirit to a rational argument . . . we will have mastered an important skill . . .” As I see it, and neuroscience tends to back this up, thinking and emotions, or feelings, when they are conscious, are inseparable. We are never without emotions, and while rational thought is possible they can be colored and driven by emotions and often are. Matter of fact I would classify “resolve” and “conviction” as feelings. These are just some of the feelings that are necessary sometimes to carry out an action that has been thought out.
[@5203] I wholeheartedly agree with this whole section about being nice. I am working on a blog post about niceness and ethics. It will be called “Is Niceness Enough?”
[5233] He quotes this guy at the newsagent (newsstand for us Americans) “’The reason people are not happy is because they want things before the time is right. And they want the wrong things. They don’t follow their destiny. I don’t want things that I can’t have and I know there’s a right time for everything in life. Because I know that, I’m calm and I have no stress.’” (author’s italics) This sounds like stoicism. While there is some wisdom in what this guy said, I cannot jump on board. First, it sounds like fate is what determines the life someone lives. Second, without desire life lacks goals, and without goals life can seem to have no purpose. Third, stress is a normal component of life. While it can do great damage to the body and the psyche, it can be a prime motivator in life. So fourth, I find it hard to believe this guy has no stress. Lastly, you might not know what you can accomplish unless you try. I feel it is better to have tried and failed, than to have not tried at all. This reminds me of the phrase: “It is better to have loved and lost, then to not have loved at all.”
[5279] “And as for health, well this is clearly important, but a discussion of fitness is firmly outside the scope of this book.” I wonder why Hebwood thinks this is outside the scope of his book. For me, while not an “absolutely” necessity, a healthy diet and regular exercise is I believe an important component to my own happiness.†
[6386] Quoting Kant: “There is therefore but one categorical imperative, namely this: Act only on that maxim whereby thou canst at the same time will that it should become a universal law.” How is this really different from the Golden Rule. Plus, “universal” I think is a little strong here. Most oughts in life come with exception clauses. I feel Hebwood realizes this later on [6434].
[6572] Quoting totally outside of context: “I found in an old book . . . the whole is greater than the part.” (my italics) Except for some infinite sets. Could not resist.
[6583] “This principle [self-preservation] is universal and all life forms have developed mechanisms that ensure the preservation of their individual existence, and by extension their species.” This is the basis of a natural law ethical principle (one used to prohibit killing) and is plainly not correct in human beings and other species as well. Human beings often choose to end their own life (for manifold reasons), and some do not intend to have children. There are cases in other animals that they will risk their own life for those of another. And, in many species not all animals participate in producing the next generation. So even nature has exception clauses.
This was a good book, maybe because of its personal style. Instead of just looking at obtaining happiness, which if sought is most often illusive, I think that the book explains one route to improving one’s life. With improvement one will generally find yourself happier than you were before your life improved. Mark Hebwood writes well and kept this reader, at least, interested throughout. Although, I am not a fan of self help books, which this one is not your typical one (no pop psychology), it made many valid observations and good points. I do not think one would go wrong in following the books advice.
While the book explores just one avenue to happiness, it brings up a number of good points. The first and last of which is to know who you are. Knowing who you are includes knowing your strengths and weaknesses, your needs and wants, and other aspects of your personality. The chapter on “everything is your fault” was a chapter that I struggled with its focus. I think it is much more important to focus on what you can do, instead of focusing on blame at all. In other words gain as much control of your present and future as you can. The past is gone, and except for using it as a learning tool, it is not so worthy of concern it this context. Hebwood still provided the needed component here and in the following chapter, taking control of your life. Judgment day (do not judge others, only their actions) is upon us—I feel he has made a good point here. It is difficult to know all the facts. That is one reason I usually preface a comment on others with “I feel.”‡ And as he pointed out, the person who tends to judge a lot is often not satisfied with his or her life; I would say also that he or she is usually carrying around a good deal of resentment. Seeking advice is usually a good idea, especially when something major is going on in your life. I would say that friendship is certainly a key component to happiness, and finding an enriching partner is the most fulfilling relationship of all. The only competitor with this is an enriching occupation, which I believe he speaks about in chapter eight. I feel that he did a fair job in his chapter on being a moral person. Ethics contains more gray than black and white rules. Therefore, it is a subject that takes a good deal of nuance in my opinion. Still, the “golden rule” makes a good contribution here—Kant’s categorical imperative, not so much. I think a key component in morality is respect, which I think demands that one seeks in general to be nice to others. Finally, I found his happiness test to be very interesting. Even so, I have not and might not take it, as I feel I know where I am with my life. It basically sums up how satisfied you are with your life. It is not a survey or questionnaire, which have too many issues with them to be very useful in finding out whether you are happy or not.
My recommendation for this book is that it would be best suited to a seeker after self-knowledge. Will one be happier as a result of having read it? I do not know. First, one would need to read it, but then on needs to apply it to one’s life for happiness to arise. I have a friend who reads tons of self help books, but he never seems to apply much of it in his life. So, my final recommendation is to go ahead and read it; you might be pleasantly surprised.
I have changed my rating of this book because of the poor ethical behavior of the author towards his attitudes and communications of transgender woman (me). Plus, his failure to read and comment on blog post I had written. In particularly "What is Human Flourishing?" Granted, I am the author, but it offers as better analysis of happiness then his book. Also I have found no lasting value to the book since I have read. It has had absolutely no improvement to my life. I am just as happy as I ever was, which is fairly high. Who can say this after washing up the dishes from a large and expensive meal.
* https://aquestionersjourney.wordpress...
^ https://aquestionersjourney.wordpress...
† I write about its importance in another blog post - https://aquestionersjourney.wordpress...
‡ I talk about this use in my blog post - https://aquestionersjourney.wordpress...
January 6, 2018
This is quite possibly the most intense self-help book you’ll read. That’s because, despite its title, Mark Hebwood’s happiness “rules” boil down to this: you have to know who you are to understand what you need to make yourself happy. And that has to be the hardest thing for most people to do, or to accept.
Hebwood is a good writer, and he’s wonderfully self-deprecating with stories that keep the book moving. He’s also honest. Knowing yourself is hard work – knowing who you are, what you want/need, how to think for yourself, and then fashioning a life based on those deeply held personal priorities. Or, as happens sometimes to all of us, facing up the fact that there are things about ourselves we need to change because they won’t lead to anything resembling happiness.
Hebwood provides some useful tools – his “Experience Mining”, for example, helps you capture your most basic personality traits, and to determine whether you like those traits or not, whether they are useful for the life you want or not. He delivers some entertaining decision-making concepts, as well, like the dice test, or the more advanced abacus test. Let’s just say, the result – whatever it may be -- works to your ultimate advantage, even if you don’t clearly know what outcome you want before you roll the dice or touch the abacus.
But his “rules”, in practice, can be hard work. And that’s why this also might be the most helpful self-help book you’ll read. He reiterates repeatedly that he has no qualifications to lead you on this path – he’s not a psychologist or a life coach or a happiness guru. Rather, he’s been down this same road and has snatched that most elusive brass ring: happiness.
Definitely worth reading, especially if you’re the kind of person who never reads self-help books.
Hebwood is a good writer, and he’s wonderfully self-deprecating with stories that keep the book moving. He’s also honest. Knowing yourself is hard work – knowing who you are, what you want/need, how to think for yourself, and then fashioning a life based on those deeply held personal priorities. Or, as happens sometimes to all of us, facing up the fact that there are things about ourselves we need to change because they won’t lead to anything resembling happiness.
Hebwood provides some useful tools – his “Experience Mining”, for example, helps you capture your most basic personality traits, and to determine whether you like those traits or not, whether they are useful for the life you want or not. He delivers some entertaining decision-making concepts, as well, like the dice test, or the more advanced abacus test. Let’s just say, the result – whatever it may be -- works to your ultimate advantage, even if you don’t clearly know what outcome you want before you roll the dice or touch the abacus.
But his “rules”, in practice, can be hard work. And that’s why this also might be the most helpful self-help book you’ll read. He reiterates repeatedly that he has no qualifications to lead you on this path – he’s not a psychologist or a life coach or a happiness guru. Rather, he’s been down this same road and has snatched that most elusive brass ring: happiness.
Definitely worth reading, especially if you’re the kind of person who never reads self-help books.
March 13, 2018
I loved this book. It is clearly intelligent but it is so easy to read. The anecdotes are really funny and very insightful. The approach of the book is Mark simply sharing how he has made sure he is happy – the tools he has used to examine the life he has set up. He is very analytical – that’s his day job – and he has applied these tools to his personal life too
I think the book is written in such a good way that it will prod the reader to think about their own happiness through Mark’s lens. I suspect people will discover something about themselves which, as Mark says, can only be a good thing.
Excellent – a really enjoyable and thought provoking read
I think the book is written in such a good way that it will prod the reader to think about their own happiness through Mark’s lens. I suspect people will discover something about themselves which, as Mark says, can only be a good thing.
Excellent – a really enjoyable and thought provoking read
July 8, 2018
As the flexible title of Mark Hebwood’s fine book suggests, in today’s pleasure-seeking, self-absorbed world, Happiness Rules. Gone, or at least faded, are the days of single-minded attention to self-sacrificing work and career advancement. Today’s adults demand more from life. But for many, the achievement of true happiness remains an elusive goal, lost in the rounds of pointless pleasure-seeking. To help those seeking better balance find the path to contentment, Mr. Hebwood has produced a thoughtful, engaging book in Happiness Rules. His challenging thesis is that only through self-knowledge and careful consideration can one achieve true happiness. Using entertaining examples from his own life experiences to illuminate his points, Mr. Hebwood sets forth a series of rules, which if followed, provide an analytical, existential roadmap to realization and self-understanding. Some of the rules are surprisingly simple and some require some work, but all are presented with clarity and a light touch. Not every rule will resonate with every reader, of course, but there’s real wisdom and a lot of Aha! moments here for everyone, even those fortunate souls who may feel happy already! Highly recommended.
June 1, 2018
I should say that I know the author and his wife to say hello to, as they live in the same development as me.
I didn’t think I was going to enjoy this book as much as I did. The only other book I’ve read in a similar genre is Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits, several decades ago. I wish Mark’s book too had been written several decades ago: I think the average 30-year old would benefit immensely from reading it, not as a self-help book because they find themselves unhappy, but as a good non-fiction read that will also help shape and inform their thinking about themselves.
Mark’s book is centred on how to live your life happy and comfortable with who you are - which means knowing who you are and what makes you happy and comfortable.
It’s not as simple and straightforward as it sounds, and Mark sets out what he sees as the tools to achieving this - and by doing so, sets the reader a bit of a challenge, because they have to face up to questioning aspects of their lives that may currently be standing in the way of their happiness.
In today’s world where everyone seems so quick to judge, the chapter on ‘don’t judge’ imparts very good advice on how to train yourself not to judge others.
I had just read Hans Rosling’s Factfulness, and somehow Mark’s book seems a perfect companion. Both are easy and enjoyable reads which are also demanding of their reader.
As an added bonus, I’m looking forward to the next time I bump into Mark in the lift as I now feel I know him!
I didn’t think I was going to enjoy this book as much as I did. The only other book I’ve read in a similar genre is Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits, several decades ago. I wish Mark’s book too had been written several decades ago: I think the average 30-year old would benefit immensely from reading it, not as a self-help book because they find themselves unhappy, but as a good non-fiction read that will also help shape and inform their thinking about themselves.
Mark’s book is centred on how to live your life happy and comfortable with who you are - which means knowing who you are and what makes you happy and comfortable.
It’s not as simple and straightforward as it sounds, and Mark sets out what he sees as the tools to achieving this - and by doing so, sets the reader a bit of a challenge, because they have to face up to questioning aspects of their lives that may currently be standing in the way of their happiness.
In today’s world where everyone seems so quick to judge, the chapter on ‘don’t judge’ imparts very good advice on how to train yourself not to judge others.
I had just read Hans Rosling’s Factfulness, and somehow Mark’s book seems a perfect companion. Both are easy and enjoyable reads which are also demanding of their reader.
As an added bonus, I’m looking forward to the next time I bump into Mark in the lift as I now feel I know him!
June 22, 2018
A book which makes you think you are taking part in an interesting conversation with a friend - it is full of the author's personal anecdotes so that you get the impression of participating in a conversation with him; it makes you think about yourself, your own life and the question if you are and should be satisfied with what you have achieved. If you don't know, it helps you find out why you do not and get to know yourself. This is the core of the author's philosophy - if you know yourself, you will also know what makes you happy. Then you can pursue your individual path towards happiness. And it makes you convinced that you should not do with anything less than happiness.
You might ask yourself it this isn't too egotistic (today's main vice, I would say), but then it introduces a chapter on ethics which might remind you of Kant's categorical imperative because it adds a social aspect to your happiness. Instead of referring to Kant however (Hebwood claims that Kant wanted to ban individualism), Hebwood tries to find his own categorical imperative. You could discuss the needs of this and the needs of introducing the term "to hurt somebody" as the scale and limit of your own freedom, but this guidebook ends with offering you a lot of practical advice - by assessing your grade of happiness through happiness grids, for example. You might not agree with the methods, but you cannot deny that the book is really good entertainment because of its casual style and interesting subject.
You might ask yourself it this isn't too egotistic (today's main vice, I would say), but then it introduces a chapter on ethics which might remind you of Kant's categorical imperative because it adds a social aspect to your happiness. Instead of referring to Kant however (Hebwood claims that Kant wanted to ban individualism), Hebwood tries to find his own categorical imperative. You could discuss the needs of this and the needs of introducing the term "to hurt somebody" as the scale and limit of your own freedom, but this guidebook ends with offering you a lot of practical advice - by assessing your grade of happiness through happiness grids, for example. You might not agree with the methods, but you cannot deny that the book is really good entertainment because of its casual style and interesting subject.
Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews