Learn to Grow Old

by Paul Tournier

Learn to Grow Old by Tournier, Paul

Genres: Christian

248 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1972

About the author

Paul Tournier was a Swiss physician and author who had acquired a worldwide audience for his work in pastoral counselling. His ideas had a significant impact on the spiritual and psychosocial aspects of routine patient care, and he had been called the twentieth century's most famous Christian physician.

Reviews

[Norman · Rating 5 out of 5]

I met Paul Tournier's writings in the 1980s and found this book recently at a time in my life when I thought his wisdom would be of you to me personally and it was and is. The book has nothing revelatory, nothing brilliant and enlightening, but nevertheless explains how retirement is a faux word we shouldn't even be using (we should be living, enjoying our jobs and then live and enjoy the period after). He talks of volunteer work, how to find purpose and very helpfully does not neglect the spiritual side of people. I'm sure there are many books that talk about practicalities of retirement and old age (do they also mention death as this one does so bravely?), but this one is brave in facing worrying questions with no easy answers

[Sandi Mascio · Rating 5 out of 5]

An indepth, philosophical and inspirational study of old age and death.

p 43: "...we need...men who see the contrast between the wealth of our technological progress and the poverty of our personal relationships, and who will try to improve the latter. Now this is where I see that the old have a real job to do. It is a terribly important one: the restoration to our impersonal society of the human warmth, the soul that it lacks."
p 48: "The fact is that in old people, where technical medicine is less effective, personal contact becomes increasingly important."
p 113: "The decisive thing is the desire to learn and the desire to understand, the willingness to undertake something, to try, to persevere, to correct one's mistakes, to strive to improve, to gain experience and learn the tricks of the trade, to enlarge one's horizon, to broaden one's mind by seeking new paths -- at bottom, to grow in love, because to be interested is to love..."
p 126: "...others who fill the void left by their retirement with so-called leisure activities which do not always suffice to give a meaning to their lives..."
"If leisure lasts all the time, then it loses the sharp tang of pleasure, and takes on the stale smell of emptiness."
p 127: "'Man cannot rid himself of the anxiety of Narcissus,' says Paul Ricoeur, 'unless he takes part in some work which is both communal and personal, universal and subjective.'"
p 130: "The fact is that in old age we remain in general what we were before, but the traits of our character become more marked. The generous person becomes more so, the wilful person becomes a tyrant, and the person who was already passive becomes even more so."
p 138: "Difficult old people are the ones who have not accepted that they must give up giving orders."
p 147: "There is no lack of opportunities for self-improvement in this world, even at an advanced age. What is most often wrong is that people do not open their eyes to see the opportunities, that they fail to grasp them, and do not have confidence enough to succeed. The fear of not succeeding is, for many people, the biggest obstacle in their way."
p 161 "...routine causes aging, and this premature aging buries the individual all the deeper in routine."
p 162 "The state of mind, the social standing, the poverty of a life of monotonous routine, the lack of a real goal in life--all of these play a decisive role in the crisis of retirement."
p 164 "Everything that is born must die." "Since it is necessary to die, it is necessary also for Nature to be organized in such a way that death is assured. That is in fact the function of disease--to lead the individual to death."
p 166 "Jesus said explicitly that it was necessary to lose one's life in order to find Life. But the Greek uses two different words, both of which we translate by the same word 'life'. The first is psyche, the biological life studied by science. The other is zoe, the transcendent life, the life of God...the awareness of belonging to a Life 'beyond life and death'."
p 171 "But success retreats, and escapes us. It itself is limited, unfulfilled." "Yes, in order to know the joy of growing old, one must be able to accept the unfulfilled."
p 173 "But the pain of unfulfilment is not felt only in exceptional and dramatic situations (i.e., the death of a spouse or dear friend). It is a daily occurance. We die a little every day in all the things we leave uncompleted." "Of God alone can the Bible say that on the evening of the sixth day of creation he had completed His work. The pain of unfulfilment is that of our human condition itself." "Jesus himself knew this pain (of unfulfilment) (Phil. 2:7-8; John 14:9)"
p 178 "One prepares for old age by taking a positive attitude throughout one's life, that is to say by living each stage fully."
p 182 "To live is to grow old, and that is true at any age." "Harmony with oneself depends less on appearances than on one's inner self-consciousness."
p 184 "But to live truly, and not to vegetate, we have in the end to say yes to life with conviction, to 'choose life', in the fine expression of Deut. 30:19 ("I have set before you life and death...now choose life...")."
p 190 "Death will come for me just as I am, and what happens to me will depend exclusively, as it will for all other men, my brethren, on God's mercy, and not on my preparation, however sincere it may be." "What concerns me is my life now, and to seek the will of God for me today, for the meaning of life seems to me to be always the same, from one end to the other--to allow oneself to be led by God."
p 191 "from St Paul...'Though this outer man of ours may be falling into decay, the inner man is renewed day by day' (II Cor 4:16)"
p 192 "All the renunciations (I used to do many things a few years ago which I cannot or must not do now) demanded by old age are in the field of action, not in that of the heart and mind." "There is something to discover in old age, an aspect of life which could not be known before."
p 197 Acceptance: "We can advance towards a wider horizon or withdraw towards a narrower love. Man must find a place for himself (in retirement). He implants himself in the world by means of love."
p 198 "Many young folk avoid old people who give advice." "The old have something better to do--to become confidants. (People) open (their) hearts to those who will listen in order to understand, and not in order to judge or direct. That is the function of the wide open heart." "In fact, to claim respect, to claim the right to give advice, is to try still to exercise a certain power over others."
p 200-201 3 types of old people: First, "The person who hangs on to his job, who refuses to retire, or the one who in family or social life still wants to be a leader, to be obeyed, to be respected as one whose advice, if not his orders, is sovereign, is the person who denies his limitations, who refuses to accept the inferiority which old age brings in the sphere of action and command...he likes to recount his past successes; he hardens in his authoritarianism; he criticizes the young." Second, "the one who withdraws into apathy and indifference...he takes no further interest in anything, he is no longer conscious even of his will to power (per Alfred Adler: the instinct of man to assert himself, to enter into competition, to struggle against obstacles; rather than to feel inferior to others)...he is filled with regret, bitterness, and depression." Third, the one who has successfully sublimated his power instinct (and does not have an inferiority complex)...he has mangaged to redirect his instinctive drive on to another object...love, acceptance, exchange & communication (rather than expansion, aggresion, domination)...so one can be successful on into old age through warm-heartedness, readiness to welcome all comers, kindness and disinterestedness."
p 202-3 "...the old folks I like to see--their hearts are wide open, the are understanding, radiant with love that asks nothing in return, generous, genuine, ot envious or jealous; without having to do or even say anything they impart life, consolation and courage to anyone who goes near them...the meaning of old age is this sublimation of the instinct of power." (This) "signifies a redirection of ambition...(which) can be redirected from one object on to another. Instead of having an ambition to be powerful...through the right to give orders or make judgments...one may have an ambition to be powerful in oneself, through one's own person, through the spontaneous and infectious quality that emanates from what one is in oneself...open-hearted and free." "There is one biblical character from whose experiences we can learn much in this respect...Elijah (1Kings 19:9-16)...(who is) depressed, he hopes to die! Yahweh places (Elijah) in a cave, and announces that He is about to reveal Himself to him...Yahweh does not reproach him for having fought like a hurricane...an earthquake or a fire...but He invites (Elijah) to now hand his sword over to Elisha...He reveals to Elijah that he may still serve his God in a quite different manner, with the softness of a 'gentle breeze'."
p 204-5 "The sublimation of the instinct of power brings about a radical change in the scale of human values. From then on a man's value is judged not by what he does, but by what he is, not by the position he occupies or by his titles, but by his personal maturity, by his breadth of mind, by his inner life, by the quality of his love for others, and by the intrinsic, and not the market, value of what he brings into the world."
p 206 Regarding Volunteerism "...it is often through voluntary activity that a retired person makes a place for himself once more in society, and this can develop into a second career and even bring him in, eventually, some return."
p. 206-9 Regarding the stages in the meaning of life "Men make plans and strive with all their might to realize them...(but) so often people cling desperately to the thing that has for a time given a meaning to their lives, because they have not found a goal in life that is more in conformity with their age...But if there is a global meaning of life, it is to be discovered and fulfilled only step by step, and each step has its meaning." "The idea of a general meaning of life seems to me to be inconceivable without some reference to transcendence, some reference to God, the creator of the world and of life." "For me the meaning of life is what Jesus variously calls the Kingdom of God, the Kingdom of Heaven, and eternal life. He does not situate it in the distant future, but in the immediate present. (Luke 10:9 and Luke 17:21 and in the Lord's prayer, Matt 6:10)"
p 209 "Living with Jesus means living every detail of my daily life in that light."
p 210 "Meditation is just that--seeking the divine meaning in everything that happens to me, a familiarity with God which brings him into my life at every moment. It asks what is God expecting of me, here and now." "...life is a unity. Everything becomes a movement towards God, a commitment to the Kingdom of God. It is easier, however, for this commitment to be made in action, for it is action that grips us"
p 212 "In youth we must interest ourselves in what we do, in order to become competent; in old age, we can interest ourselves in everything, in order to become more human."
p 213 Surrender "is often compared to a leap into the void (which) Professor Karlfried von Durckheim speaks of (as) 'the grace granted to the man who, when le "lets go" of everything, find Everything'."
p 214 "This surrender of my life to God has never meant that I was turning my back on the world--rather that I was interesting myself in it in a wider and deeper way. What I was giving up was my claim to act in accordance to my own will, in order to allow myself to be led as much as possible by God."
p 216 "If retirement speaks of old age, old age in its turn speaks of death." (even) "St Paul writes about death: 'Sin entered the world...and through sin death' (Romans 5:12)." "Nevertheless the sociologists are right: men do not talk much about this anxiety concerning the threat of death. That is because all men attempt to repress it."
p 217 "People do not open their hearts when one interrogates them (about death)...because they are afraid of emotion, and the willingly avoid the things they feel most emotional about, though these are the very things they most need to talk about."
p 218 "The two problems (old age and death) are so intimately bound up together that we may say that acceptance of old age is the best preparation for death, but also, conversely, that the acceptance of death is the best preparation for old age."
p 222 "Christian faith...does not involve repressing one's anxiety in order to appear strong. On the contrary, it means recognizing one's weakness, accepting the inward truth about oneself, confessing one's anxiety, and still to believe; that is to say that the Christian puts his trust not in his own strength, but in the grace of God." "But I know that some anxiety will still remain, conscious or not, especially in face of death. And I believe that there is more peace to be found in the acceptance of human anxiety than in the hope for a life or an old age freed from anxiety."
p 222-3 "Death remains a fearful and cruel monster. The Bible says that it will be the last enemy to be overcome (I Cor 15:26). Jesus himself overcame it only by accepting it and accepting its anxiety."
p 223 "Detachment from things prepares us for death...only in favor of a wider, deeper, and more welcoming opening of the heart to people. However detached we may be from things, death remains a harsh wrench because it brutally ruptures the bonds that attach us to people, bonds which become even stronger in old age." "...(death) makes real the equality of all en which we claim to believe in, and which we constantly deny through our prejudices. Not only equality between rich and poor, between the strong and the weak, between black and white, but also between believers and unbelievers." "Death is indeed the moment of truth which upsets all our vain categories (i.e., 'making a good death' for the edification of those around us). There is a physical factor in our anxiety over death which reminds us that we are not pure spirits, despite all our high-soaring doctrines. It is this animal weakness, and not our spiritual virtues, which wins us the compassion of God."
p 224 "What man needs most is not to be alone when he faces death, as if a human presence, even that of an unbeliever, were a pledge of the divine presence."
p 226 and 225 "There are, therefore, two fundamental attitudes possible in face of death: (German philosopher) Heidegger looks it in the face ('Death is not an event which happens to man, but an event which he lives through from birth onwards.') and Sartre runs away from it ('Life, so long as it lasts, is pure and free of any death. For I can conceive of myself only as alive. Man is a being for life, not for death.')." "It is rather odd, I feel, that Sartre, who sees himself as a realist, should have convicted himself of lack of realism in denying the reality of finiteness and death." "I find one or the other of these two attitudes in all people (old, sick, dying)."
p 227 "In some respects Christian thought is nearer to that of Heidegger...for both, death is interior and immanent in human existence." "My home is in heaven. And the more I have advanced in age, the more has earthly life seemed to me like an apprenticeship in the love and the knowledge of God. (So) what is peculiar to Christianity, and seems to be lacking in Heidegger, is love, faith and hope."
p 229 "Christianity, then, does not minimize death...(which) can even assil God himself, in the person of Jesus Christ."
p 229 "...humble Christians can say, 'God has laid hold upon me, He has revealed Himself to me, I have surrendered my life to Him, I believe in Him and in His promises, I fear nothing, not even death.' But (more importantly) it is the atmosphere of the heart...the feeling that a person is living his personal experience of Jesus Christ."
p 230 "It is the personal bond with God established by faith which transfigures old age." "Dr Theo Bovet, who just lost his wife of 51 years, 'God is not a God of the dead, but of the living, since for Him they are all living. Which to my very great astonishment, fills me with joy, despite the sadness."
p 234 "Consequently, 'for believers,' as Professor Phillipe H Menoud writes, 'death is no longer a curse or a punishment; it is the event that is preparatory and necessary to resurrection.'"Cardinal Danielou: death is a 'crisis of growth.' A new life is announced, a new life awaits us, and we can already have some partial experience of it in this life, in moments of true communications with other people and with God."
p 235-6 "Francois Mauriac: 'the last of God's mercies...to die'. To die, to come to a quite new life, exempt from all that weighs down our earthly existence, even for the most privileged among us, is the ineffaceable aspiration of the human heart."
p 236 St Paul discusses the 'Resurrection Body' (I Corinthians 15:35-44)
p 239 "The case of St Paul is conclusive: he preaches the resurrection of Jesus Christ with so much assurance because he has himself met the Resurrected Christ on the Damascus Road." "I am not alone as I face death. I am with Jesus who has faced it himself."
p 240 "This personal bond with Jesus makes me one with all those who are surrounded, as I am, with so many uncertainties. It allows me to accept that many of the questions raised by life remain unanswered." "The answers do not come from men, but from God."
p 240-1 Others have said: "'God is my reason for living.' 'I am ready to go on living, and I am ready to die. At last, I am going to know. For myself, I shall be very happy to see the beyond, and perhaps to hear Christ himslef talking about the mysteries of the grace of God.'"

[Gavin McGrath · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have read other works by the Swiss doctor, Paul Tournier. For many years I've had this particular book on my shelf intending to read it 'one day'. As I am now on the brink of my imminent retirement, I decided I should read it now. It is not the easiest style to read and follow but it is worth the effort.

When I say not the easiest style I think I mean the somewhat desultory way he addresses issues. Moreover, because he interacts with predominately non-Anglo writers, native English speaks like me may possibly be unfamiliar with those he cites. I don't know: is it a discursive style typical of his generation of European writers? Christian readers may struggle with Tournier's orthodox Protestant theology expressed in a style more Continental than Anglo evangelical (for example). But nothing about the style should put off a reader from listening to Tournier.

This is because Tournier was himself a masterful 'listener'. He was a physician who aimed to care for his patients fully and this involved careful listening to the concerns, unspoken anxieties, and hopes of his patients. In this book he recounts the listening he undertook among his patients who either were approaching retirement or in retirement.

From this, Tournier offers wonderfully realistic, hopeful, practical, compassionate, and comprehensive guidance. Essentially, Tournier, invites his readers to embrace retirement/growing older with an openness of heart, with imagination, with love towards others, and with a desire to see all of life (and every stage of life) under the sovereign kindness of God. There are gems along the way - at least, I found many and underlined the sentences and paragraphs for later re-reading.

If you are searching for an attentive 'listener' to your concerns about retirement and growing older, and are tired from many contemporary books which are sentimentally trite, psychologically solipsistic, or full of predictable Christian tropes, then this might be the book for you. Blending philosophy, theology, psychology, and human anecdotes, Tournier could be a welcome physician for you too.

[Jo Carol · Rating 1 out of 5]

I had hoped this book would give me suggestions on the topic, but I was very disappointed.
It began with a long sociological view on aging.
Not till the last 2 short chapters, one on acceptance and the other on faith, did i enjoy what he had to say.

[Roger Miller · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you wish to read a book that pushes you to deepen life and death, this is what you must take up. Paul Tournier made my brain sweat from the first to last line. Neither sentimentality or Nihilism but the realistic hope of Jesus amidst the death and decay of free will!

[Raymond Huber · Rating 4 out of 5]

Worth it for the chapter on Acceptance. Retirement is not a withdrawal from the world but a re-engagement with it in a new way: more universal, reflective, non-judgemental, caring.

[Kathy · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was important for me to read this. I learned that when I retire, there will be lots of life to live. I also learned that it is important for me now to give up controls at school and to let others do stuff.

[Sheila · Rating 3 out of 5]

Clarisse from my Friday book club gave this to me.It is translated from French and published in 1972, the year i graduated from college. I am again reminded that the more things change, the more they stay the same!

[Covenant Presbyterian Springfield Ohio]

Call Number: 155.6 TOU-3

Available.