Shame: Free Yourself, Find Joy, and Build True Self-Esteem

by Joseph Burgo

An intimate look at the full spectrum of shame--often masked by addiction, promiscuity, perfectionism, self-loathing, or narcissism--that offers a new, positive route forward

Encounters with embarrassment, guilt, self-consciousness, remorse, etc. are an unavoidable part of everyday life, and they sometimes have lessons to teach us--about our goals and values, about the person we expect ourselves to be. In contrast to the prevailing cultural view of shame as a uniformly toxic influence, Shame is a book that approaches the subject of shame as an entire family of emotions which share a "painful awareness of self."

Challenging widely-accepted views within the self-esteem movement, author Joseph Burgo argues that self-esteem does NOT thrive in the soil of non-stop praise and encouragement, but rather depends upon setting and meeting goals, living up to the expectations we hold for ourselves, and finally sharing our joy in achievement with the people who matter most to us. Along the way, listening to and learning from our encounters with shame will go further than affirmations and positive self-talk in helping us to build authentic self-esteem.

Richly illustrated with clinical stories from Burgo's 35 years in private practice, Shame also describes the myriad ways that unacknowledged shame often hides behind a broad spectrum of mental disorders including social anxiety, narcissism, addiction, and masochism.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Mental Health, Science, Health, Audiobook

320 pages, Hardcover

Published November 6, 2018

About the author

I'm a clinical psychologist and I write a blog about psychotherapy issues called After Psychotherapy. I also blog for Psychology Today and PsychCentral.

As a young man, I published a couple of works of genre fiction and I still write fiction, though lately my website and my new book on psychological defense mechanisms has taken most of my time.

I work with clients all over the work by Skype video and I love my practice. I have three children, two in college and one in high school. Apart from writing and my practice, I study classical piano, spend my summers in Colorado near Rocky Mountain National Park and enjoy my family. Oh, and I cook.

Reviews

[Saman]

شرم یکی از موضوعات یا بهتره بگم معضلاتی است که باهاش درگیر هستیم.شدت این شرم متفاوت هست اما تقریبا همه افراد در برهه ها و موقعیت‌های گوناگون زندگیشون باهاش دست و پنجه نرم می‌کنند. شرم عمیق و مزمن، لذت زندگی رو دریغ می‌کنه و فشار زیادی رو به آدم منتقل می‌کنه. به نظرم شرم اینقدر عذاب آور هست که شاید خیلی اوقات دوست نداشته باشیم یادمون بیاد اون موقعیت‌هایی که گرفتارش شدیم و مثل یک هشت پا به وجودمون پیچیده و در نهایت ما رو از حرفی که می‌خواستیم بزنیم و کاری که می‌خواستیم انجام بدیم و حقی که می‌خواستیم داشته باشیم محروم می‌کنه. شاید اگر شرم رو بهتر و کامل‌تر بشناسیم، بتونیم راه درستی هم برای مقابله یا تخفیفش پیدا کنیم. جوزف برگو در این کتاب سعی می‌کنه شرم رو به طور کامل بررسی بکنه و با تقسیم بندی‌های متفاوت، انواع شرم و هم‌چنین نقاب‌های شرم رو به مخاطب معرفی کنه. برگو ساده و روان گفته و کتاب برای مخاطب عامی مثل من نوشته شده و کتاب سخت خوان و پیچیده‌ای نیست...

برگو شرم رو مجموعه‌ای از هیجانات میدونه که درجات مختلفی داره و از خجالت‌زدگی خفیف شروع میشه و تا حقارت ادامه پیدا می‌کنه. او ظهور و بروز شرم رو به صورت کلی در چهار بخش تقسیم می‌کنه. عشق یک طرفه، طرد شدن، آبروریزی و انتظارات برآورده نشده.با توضیح هر کدوم از این موقعیت‌ها و مثال‌های بسیار ملموسی که می‌زنه مطلب به خوبی جا می‌افته. به این نکته هم اشاره کنم که برگو از درمانگران با رویکرد هیجانی است که ریشه مشکلات رو در کودکی می‌دونه و با این شیوه کار می‌کنه. بخش دوم کتاب که برای من مفیدترین و پربارترین بخش کتاب بود نقاب‌های شرم رو به طور کامل توضیح میده.برگو در این بخش سه نقاب کلی اعم از اجتناب، انکار و کنترل شرم رو که هر کدوم به شکل‌های متفاوتی ظاهر میشه رو معرفی می‌کنه. در این بخش نویسنده تجربیات خودش رو از مراجعانی که داشته و از این نقاب‌های شرم استفاده کردند برای مخاطب تعریف می‌کنه. این واکنش های سه گانه که اغلب ما برای مقابله با شرم ازش استفاده می‌کنیم به اشکال گوناگونی چون اضطراب اجتماعی، بی بندوباری جنسی و اعتیاد،برتری و تحقیر و خود آزاری و خود بیزاری و .... نمود پیدا می‌کنه. یک مساله ای که در این بخش دیده میشد، برگو ضمن بازتعریف خاطرات و تجربیات مراجعانش، بعضا و ملایم یک خودانتقادی هم از خودش در روند درمان داشت و یه سری جاها به این نکته اذعان داشت که بهتر بوده این کار/حرف رو انجام نمی‌داده. فکر می‌کنم این قسمت ها برای درمانگران جذابیت داشته باشه. بخش سوم کتاب به یک سری عواملی می‌پردازه که باعث بهبودی شرم فلج کننده میشه.

به طور کلی برگو در کتاب ابدا رویافروشی نمی‌کنه و با مخاطب خودش صادقانه حرف می‌زنه. او در چند جای کتاب اشاره می‌کنه که نسخه شفابخشی که شرم رو به طور کامل از بین ببره وجود نداره و بهتره من نوعی درگیر شرم هم به دنبال این راهکار نباشم. برگو معتقده ما باید تاب‌آوریمون رو در برابر شرم گسترش بدیم و راهکارهایی هم که میده ذیل همین مساله تعریف می‌شه. فکر می‌کنم حرف منطقی و درستی هم هست. چون شرم گاهی چنان عمیق در وجود انسان رسوب می‌کنه که رسوب زدایی کامل ممکن نیست. طبعا من فرد درگیر شرم هم اگر بخوام دنبال راهی برای رفع کامل شرم باشم، حتما تو ذوقم می‌خوره و احتمالا دچار شرم انتظارات برآورده میشم. پس بهتره دنبال راه واقعی تری بود. رویا شاید شیرین باشه اما وقتی ببینیم در این مسیر دست نیافتنیه، نه تنها این شیرینی رو از بین می‌بره بلکه تلخی مضاعفی بهمون اضافه می‌کنه که بهتره مانعش بشیم، زندگی به اندازه کافی تلخی داره...بخش دوم کتاب که در مورد نقاب‌های شرم بود، از اون قسمت‌های آگاهی بخشی است که گاهی دردناک هم میشه. وقتی کسی خودش رو زیر یکی از این مجموعه‌های نقاب ببینه و ریشه رفتارش رو متوجه بشه، درسته دردناکه اما این درد میتونه به رشد و خودآگاهی کمک کنه و اساس کار برگو هم به نظر من در این کتاب این بود که مخاطب رو در مورد مساله شرم به خودآگاهی برسونه. در انتهای بعضی فصول تمرین‌هایی آورده شده که من در حال حاضر انجامشون ندادم و طبیعتا نظری هم ندارم.اما فکر می‌کنم تمرین در کتاب‌های خودیاری فی نفسه مساله خوب و ارزشمندی باشه...از صمیم قلب آرزو دارم همه ماهایی که درگیر این شرم کوفتی هستیم، به قول برگو بتونیم تاب آوری بیشتری در مقابلش داشته باشیم و اجازه ندیم سوارمون بشه....فکر می‌کنم امتیاز 3.5 تا 4 امتیاز عادلانه ای برای این کتاب مفید باشه....

[Hesam]

هشدار: بعد از خواندن این کتاب، احتمالا، جهان را بسیار متفاوت از قبل درخواهید یافت!
یکم:
علیرغم معنای منفی‌ای که از شرم در ذهن ما جا خوش کرده است، جوزف برگو شرم را نامی برای خانواده‌ و طیفی از هیجانات درنظر می‌گیرد که خجالت‌زدگی خفیف تا حقارت شدید را در برمی‌گیرد. «هیجاناتی که باعث می‌شود فرد آگاهی دردناکی نسبت به خودش پیدا کند»
دوم:
«مشاهدات دقیق سیلوان تامکینز عصب‌روان‌شناس تایید کرد که شرم، بنیان زیست‌شناختی دارد و یکی از نه عاطفه‌ی اصلی‌ای است که در دی‌ان‌ای ما رمزگذاری شده است ... بر اساس نظریهِ‌ی عواطف، هیجانات به گونه‌ای تکامل یافته‌اند تا کودک و مراقبش با هم ارتباط برقرار کنند و رابطه‌ی بین اعضای قبیله تسهیل شود و در نتیجه احتمال بقای آنها افزایش یابد. اما اگر عواطف باغث به وحود آمدن پیوند کودک و مراقبش و تسهیل روابط اعضاء می‌شود، پس چرا شرم باید بخشی از میراث ژنتیکی ما باشد؟ چرا تاریخ تکاملی ما باید چنین عاطفه دردناک و ظاهرا مخربی در ژن‌های ما رمزگذاری کند؟ از نظر تکاملی شرم بخشی از طبیعت ماست، پس باید برای ما انسان‌ها مفید باشد و به ما خدمتی کند. مطالعات اخیر نشان می‌دهد ظرفیت تجربه شرم در طول هزاران سالی که انسان در اجتماعات کوچک و قبیله‌ها می‌زیست تکامل یافت. بقا به شدت به همکاری بین اعضای قبیله وابسته بود. اعضای گروه یا قبیله هر کسی را که از قوانین تخطی می‌کرد یا طوری رفتار می‌کرد که به منافع جمعی آسیب می‌رساند را طرد می‌کرد... شرم هم‌چنین در متمدن شدن انسان هم موثر بوده است و مرز بین امر خصوصی و امر عمومی را مشخص می‌کند. برای نمونه، در گذشته اجداد ما در جمع ادرار، مدفوع و حتی آمیزش جنسی می‌کردند، اما این نوع رفتاری جسمی در جوامع متمدن در خلوت انجام می‌شود...» شرم بستر را برای کنترل فضای سیاسی نیز فراهم می‌کند. «شرم ابزار انتخاب در سیاست است... چه سیاستمداران دوست داشته باشند چه متنفر باشند، به هرحال شرم راهی است که حرف‌های سیاسی را تنظیم می‌کند... در سطح فردی هم ، شرم ما را مسوولیت‌پذیرتر می‌کند و ترغیبمان می‌کند به گونه‌ای رفتار کنیم که با آرمان‌های خودمان و جامعه‌مان مطابق باشد»
سوم:
شرم به شکل‌های مختلفی در ما ظهور می‌یابد. به طور کلی می‌توان شرم را در قالب چهار پارادایم بررسی کرد:
پارادایم اول: شرم به مثابه‌ی عشق یک‌طرفه
پارادایم دوم: شرم به مثابه‌ی طرد
پارادایم سوم: شرم به مثابه‌ی آبروریزی
پارادایم چهارم: شرم به مثابه‌ی انتظارات برآورده نشده
«این پارادایم‌های شرم نشانگر موقعیت‌های آشنایی است که در آن معمولا یک یا چند عضو از مجموعه هیجانات شرم در ما برانگیخته می‌شود. مثل دستپاچگی، خجالت‌زدگی، احساس حقارت، احساس گناه و غیره.
عشق ناکام (یا یک‌طرفه) بنیادی‌ترین و دردناک‌ترین پارادایم شرم است... عشق و علاقه‌ی یک‌طرفه همیشه باعث می‌شود که مجموعه هیجانات شرم برانگیخته شود. میراث ژنتیکی ما انتظار دارد با کسی که دوستش داریم ارتباط داشته باشیم و او هم ما را دوست داشته باشد. وقتی این آرزوی ما ناکام می‌ماند و نمی‌توانیم با او ارتباط برقرار کنیم، قطعا دچار شرم می‌شویم اما احتمالا اسامی دیگری روی این احساسمان می‌گذاریم
شرم ناشی از طرد شدن ممکن است علل درونی هم داشته باشد و حتی اگر شما واقعا هم طرد نشده باشید، ممکن است دچار آن شوید. چون ما برای برقراری ارتباط برنامه‌ریزی شده‌ایم، نیاز به تعلق خاطر داریم. یعنی نیاز داریم به چیزی تعلق خاطر داشته باشیم. وقتی این نیاز ارضا نشود، دچار یکی از هیجانات شرم می‌شویم.
شرم معمولا ناشی از دیده‌شدن در موقعیتی است که ما آمادگی دیده‌شدن را نداریم. آبروریزی ناگهانی معمولا یکی از هیجانات شرم را برمی‌انگیزد. این هیجان می‌تواند شدید یا خفیف باشد. ممکن است نتیجه یک اشتباه ساده باشد و ما کمی حسرت بخوریم وسریع فراموش کنیم یا ممکن است ساعت‌ها ذهن ما را درگیر آن صحنه‌ی دردناک کند
هر وقت ما هدفی را برای خودمان در نظر می‌گیریم، در را به روی شرم بالقوه باز می‌کنیم. زمانی که به استانداردها و ارزش‌های خودمان یا اشخاصی که به آنها احترام می‌گذاریم دست نمی‌یابیم، دچار شرم ناشی از انتظارات برآورده نشده می‌شویم»
چهارم:
در طول سال اول زندگی کودک، حجم عظیمی از تعاملات بین والد و کودک در در فضایی مملو از شادی و علاقه‌ی مشترک می‌گذرد. تحقیقات نشان می‌دهد این تعاملات شادمانه باعث آزادسازی هورمون‌هایی می‌شود که باعث می‌شود مغز کودک رشد طبیع داشته باشد. رشدی که در صورت عدم وقوع این تعاملات متوقف مانده و دیگر حتی از نوروپلاستیسیتی هم کاری برنمی‌آید. این جا نقطه‌ی شکل‌گیری شرمی است که به آن شرم بنیادین گفته می‌شود و دو پارادایم شرم ناشی از عشق یک‌طرفه و شرم ناشی از انتظارات برآورده نشده را در برمی‌گیرد. وقتی کودک شادمانه به چهره مادر می‌نگرد اما پاسخ درخوری نمی‌یابد، خود را دوست‌نداشتنی و ناموفق در برآوردن انتظارات وی می‌بیند. تحقیقات اما شرم را عامل موثری در اجتماعی کردن کودک از بعد از سال اول زندگی‌ می‌داند... القصه همه چیز به تجربه شرم در کودکی بازمی‌گردد.
پنجم:
انسان‌ها معمولا برای عدم مواجهه با احساس دردناک شرم، در لاک دفاعی فرو می‌روند. نقاب‌ها و سپری که فرد برای مراقبت از خود و تسکین دردش در برابر شرم به کار می‌گیرد، سه شکل کلی دارد: انکار شرم، اجتناب از شرم، کنترل شرم
الف) انکار شرم: «افرادی که شرم را به شدت انکار می‌کنند، اغلب از آن فرار می‌کنند و به یک خود کاذب آرمانی پناه می‌برند. خودشیفتگی، قهر و تحقیر دیگران از نمودهای این پناه آوردن است.
ب) اجتناب از شرم: معمولا در قالب‌های گوناگونی تجربه می‌شود: اهمال‌کاری، بی‌تفاوتی و تحقیر، خجالتی بودن، اضطراب عملکرد، بی بند و باری جنسی و اعتیاد، رازها و دروغ‌های مصلحت‌آمیز
ج)کنترل شرم معمولا به شکل خودبیزاری، خودآزاری و خوداستهزایی بروز می‌کند. به خودزنی می‌ماند. فرد دست پیش را می‌گیرد خود را در مقابل دیگری و پیش از هر چیز خرد، استهزا و تحقیر می‌کند و با حس دردناک شرم روبرو می‌شود! اما یک تفاوت بزرگ در میان است. درد ناشی از غافل‌گیری را حذف می‌کند و به خیال این که اوضاع را تحت کنترل دارد کمی آرام می‌شود.
ششم:
جوزف برگو راه‌کار را در تقویت تاب‌آوری تجربه‌ی دردناک شرم به جای انکار، اجتناب و کنترل آن می‌بیند. و نیز احساس غرور مثبت ناشی از به نتیجه رساندن اهداف و سهیم شدن شادی آن با دیگران
« احترام به خود یک دستاورد است ، نه یک حق و لازم است در طول عمر از آن مراقبت کنیم»
هفتم:
از بهترین و تکان‌دهنده‌ترین کتاب‌های چند سال اخیر عمرم بود...بخوانیدش!

[Mahsan Gilani]

راستش نمیدونم چطور بنویسم که هرکسی این review رو دید علاقمند بشه به خوندن این کتاب..اما این کتاب واقعا بنظر من عالی بود..خیلی طولش دادم تا بخونم چون دوست داشتم هر بخشی از کتاب رو که میخونم ذره ذره مزه کنم برای خودم..واقعا کتاب عالی‌ای بود و بسی پسندیدم.. مثل هر کتاب روانشناسی‌ای نیست و کلا یه دید تازه‌ای میگیرین با خوندنش.

[James]

This book came along at a weird time for me - just when I am beginning to discover that a lot of my longstanding issues in my personal and professional life are caused, in my opinion, by having never developed a sense of self-worth. Burgo would likely think of this as core shame.

So in an ideal world, I should have found this book illuminating and helpful. That didn't happen.

Why not?

Some of the case studies were...troubling. The author's negative judgments of other gay men. His potentially inadvertent practice of conversion therapy on a client who might have been transgender or gender non-conforming. From my perspective, his preference for a mostly heteronormative (except yay Pride) and decidedly cisgender society. Uncomfortable, to say the least.

That was a huge impediment. It made him hard to listen to.

The topic needs more exploration; this book could have been better. I'm not sure if I came away from reading it with anything I can use in my own life.

That said, if I ever see a therapist, I think I'd like one from his school of thought (psychodynamic), but someone consciously LGBTQ-friendly.

Overall, worth reading for someone with a keen interest in the topic of shame; better for straight/cisgender readers.

[Atiyeh]

شرم و احساس ارزشمندی مخالف هم نیستند. برای برخی از ما، رشد واقع بینانه در مسیر ساختن احساس غرور مستلزم این است که به محدودیت هایی که شرم بنیادین برای ما ایجاد میکند احترام بگذاریم.

"قسمتی از متن کتاب"

"Shame: Free Yourself, Find Joy, and Build True Self-Esteem" by Joseph Burgo is a compassionate and insightful exploration of one of the most challenging and pervasive emotions we face: shame. Drawing on his extensive experience as a psychotherapist, Burgo gently guides readers through an understanding of where shame originates and how it can profoundly affect our mental well-being and offers practical strategies for healing. This book is a supportive companion for anyone seeking to overcome shame and embrace a more joyful and authentic life.

[Smn Hgh]

کتاب واقعا ارزشمندی بود و خیلی لذت بردم از خوندش و روی دیدم نسبت به موضوع شرم واقعا تاثیر گذاشت
کل کتاب و رسما خط کشی و هایلایت کردم
حتما حتما دوباره میخونمش و
یکم زمان لازم دارم تا مطالب ته نشین شه، مرورش کنم و ریویویی در خور این کتاب بنویسم
که بعدها که خواستم مرور کنمش، یادم بیاد چه چیزایی ازش یاد گرفتم
برای من مفید بود، حداقلش این بود که در و زاویه ای جدید باز کرد برای عمیق تر نگاه کردن به موضوع شرم

[Lottie]

Edit:

Please spare yourself the confusion and backwards "help" this book offers, and just go straight to the works cited section. I Thought It Was Just Me by Brene Brown may be marketed towards women but so far, I've found it insightful towards shame-related issues regardless of gender.

I am only 1/4th of the way through Brene Brown's work, a key author cited often by Burgo in this book, and I find it disgusting and (ironically enough) shameless that Burgo refused to engage with any of the parts of Brown's text which directly challenged the core assertion of this fluffed up senior project, even though he was more than happy to heavily crib her wisdom at any available opportunity. From I Thought It Was Just Me, page 62 and I quote:

"When I started this research I wasn't sure about the distinction I had seen drawn between good shame and bad shame. There is a small group of researchers, [...] who believe that shame has both negative and positive consequences. The positive consequence of shame, they content, is its ability to serve as a compass for moral behavior. [...] Seven years of testing the proposition that shame can't be used to change people combined with a lack of actual data supporting this claim, made me a little suspicious, but I was willing to let the research speak for itself.

It didn't take very long for me to reach the conclusion that there is nothing positive about shame. In any form, in any context and through any delivery system, shame is destructive. The idea that there are two types, healthy shame and toxic shame, did not bear out in any of my research."

Brown goes further to dismantle the premise of Burgo's book, which asserts that embarrassment, guilt, disappointment, etc. are all part of the shame family and should be considered part of the necessary types of shame. This is on page 12, impossible to miss or misunderstand!

"Within the research community, there are interesting debates about the relationships between embarrassment, guilt, humiliation, and shame. Although there is a small group of researchers who believe that all four of these emotions are related and represent varying degrees of the same core emotion, the vast majority of researchers believe that the four are separate, distinct experiences. Like most of the studies on shame, my research strongly supports the argument that embarrassment, guilt, humiliation and shame are four different emotional responses."

Why did Burgo refuse to directly engage in this criticism and the data behind it, instead paraphrasing and misrepresenting the concern without any facts of his own as rebuttal? Who knows, but I don't just find it intellectually lazy, I find it irresponsible!

It is entirely possible for people to read only this book and come away extremely confused about how to responsibly handle shame both from themselves and from their loved ones, choosing instead to act on a hurtful interpretation of their thoughts and feelings with the misguided notion that "some shame is good shame." Stay far away!
---
I couldn't wait to marked this as finished and move on because whew boy, I did not like this book.

There are moments in the book I could probably pick out as squirm-inducing which other people have pointed out. The chronic lack of necessary commas forced me to reread sentences. I could talk about the entire section of "Shame Defiance and Narrow Identity", which I believe others have remarked on for its clumsy handling of gay issues, along with a very distasteful and haughty read on Joan Rivers, insisting that her comedy and plastic surgery were both products of shame despite the great distance between Burgo and the person in question. I will readily point to my personal breaking point: quote, "[Burgo's client] Ryan was good looking in an exotic sort of way, with the almond-shaped eyes and complexion of his Taiwanese mother.” - pg. 181.

However, my core issue with the book is its very premise and how it treats it.

The goal of this book seems to be to strip down the various linguistic specifications we have developed overtime to mark certain emotions (stigma, humiliation, generalized anxiety, etc) and lump them into what the author calls lowercase shame as opposed to “toxic shame” or as he puts it “SHAME” (uppercase) in order to justify their role in guiding people through society. However, I believe that the patients he used as examples all exhibit various forms of toxic shame; none of them were guided by what this author tried to justify as lowercase shame — lowercase shame as a constructive force was really only used to explain and justify how shame plays a part in a toddler’s development. This, I believe, really undermines the core message of the book — how can an adult (young or old) integrate shame into their development constructively if so much time is devoted to cribbing other authors’ dissections of toxic shame then talking about people struggling with toxic shame and then needing to be told how to cast off shame?

I can’t in good conscience recommend this book all by itself to another person who is struggling with shame or may benefit from having this feeling reframed to them. However, I can’t completely condemn the book either as I still benefitted from viewing it somewhat as a guidepost towards other books that may be better at talking about the issue. If you struggle with shame and thought this book could be helpful, maybe wait until you’ve already read “I Thought It Was Just Me” or “Healing The Shame That Binds You” — Burgo aggressively assumes right from the get go that you have already read both of these books and references them blithely without much good context as it is.

[Bri]

"We are the sons and daughters, mothers and fathers, related and bound to a circle of significant others whose feelings and opinions about us invariably influence how we feel about ourselves, even when we possess a strong self-concept."

Living a lifetime with shame and lack of self esteem led me to request Shame by Joseph Burgo. It was very interesting how Mr. Burgo put shame in the light of a spectrum, or umbrella, ranging from mild to intense and specific to global. I have never thought of it that way or correlated some of the emotions of embarrassment, guilt or rejection as being related to feeling shame. He emphasizes the 'masks' that shame often wears such as, addiction, promiscuity, narcissistic defense mechanisms. Also brought to light is that self esteem is something to be worked at and earned 'rather than a fuel tank in our psyche'. Again, completely makes sense given what situations and accomplishments build us up.

Shame is a very intriguing book and, for me, very educational about self cognizance. I look forward to keeping this book close at hand and using it as a tool in my endeavor of true, authentic, lasting positive self esteem and joy!

Thank you so much to Netgalley, St. Martin's Press and Joseph Burgo for the opportunity to read and review this book.

Release date: 11062018 Read: August 2018

[Ell]

What an amazing book! I often give workshops on building self-confidence and self-efficacy, so I like to read books on the subjects when I get the chance. Joseph Burgo has a wonderful style of writing that is comforting, enlightening and astute. This book covers feelings of shame rooted in childhood, social anxiety, an idealized false self, blame and defiance., to name but a few. It also discusses techniques to build up resilience, develop a sense of healthy pride and experience more joy. There are case studies , surveys and exercises to help readers navigate the healing process. Five stars.

[Yusuf Refay]

الكتاب جميل جدا جدا جدا
محتاج يتقرأ تاني، وتركز على التدريبات بتاعته جدا
.
.
الكتاب مقسم لثلاثة أجزاء:
1- بيعرف الخزي.
2- مشاهد الخزي في حياتنا اليومية.
3- التعافي من الخزي.
وفي كل جزء من الكتاب الكتاب كان مفيد وجميل ولطيف جدا جدا
أنصح أي حد مهتم بمساحة الخزي وتعريفها وفهمها إنه يقرأه الصراحة

[Keebee]

To be fair, I didn’t finish this book. I just personally was seeking something else and it didn’t work for me. Maybe it was bad timing.

[Ghazale]

بالاخره بعد از دو ماه با گروه همخوانی جیپسی بوک کلاب خوندیمش و تمومش کردم و اطلاعاتم در مورد شرم بالا رفت و حالا باید برم سراغ کتاب‌های مفصل تری در مورد این موضوع :)

[Ali Nazari]

کتاب خیلی خوبی بود. کمکم کرد شرم رو بهتر بشناسم. در خودم بهتر ببینمش. بهتر باهاش کنار بیام. کتاب مثال های مختلفی از مواجهه واقعی انسان ها با شرم میزنه و به شکل های مختلف نشون میده که بعضی از رفتارهامون نشات گرفته از شرم درونیمونه. متاسفانه چند وقتی که از خواندن کتاب گذشته و خیلی از حرف هایی که میخواستم بزنم از خاطرم رفته ولی اگر با احساس شرم و بی ارزشی دست و پنجه گرم میکنید حتما بخونیدش چون میتونه کمک کنه بهتر بشید.

[الجوهره القادري]

هذا الكتاب عميق ، و غيّر في نظرتي للخزي .

[RGD]

كتاب جيد يشرح الخزي كعائلة من المشاعر الحتمية. ويوضح آلية التعامل معها وتقبلها بشكل مرن بدلاً من استخدام أساليب الدفاع غير الفعالة كالإنكار والتبرير والاحتجاج ولوم الآخرين

[Eliza]

This is a good read to understanding how shame crops up in our lives.

shame can stem from
- Unrequited love
- Exclusion
- Unwanted exposure
- Disappointed expectations

How we avoid shame:
- social anxiety and shyness
- indifference and contempt
- addiction: promiscuity, drugs, etc.
- procrastination
- secrets and white lies

The ways we deny it:
- the idealized false self
- superiority and contempt
- blame and indignation
- narcissism
- fantasies

The ways we try to control it:
- self mockery
- self hatred
- masochism?
- self pity

What controlling it in everyday life looks like:
- pessimism "I knew it"
- self deprecation, negative self talk "I said it first"

How we try to defy it:
- forging a narrow identity (at odds with the mainstream, us vs them, etc.)
- counter shaming (shaming others against our rigid values, righteousness)


But also how we can build shame resilience and expand our identities:
- have the courage to be vulnerable
- have a good sense of humor to laugh at yourself and the world (it's all absurd)
- learn from shame
- disarm your defenses (while it gives temporary relief, there's no peace in the long run)

and build pride and genuine self esteem:
- taking on personal responsibility to earn self respect
- introspection is a way of life
- make better choices for ourselves
- set realistic goals for ourselves that aligns with our values
- achieving those goals is pride building
- share the joy -> team work makes the dream work!
- if others exhibit envy and rivalry, show some love for their shame.
- have groups that you feel belonging with

[Z.S]

Burgo's books are generally good, and this one is no exception: he has something to contribute. Yet I give this book 3/5 only because say 50% or so of the book's content (often chapter-by-chapter) is already found in previous books by Burgo, which makes the entire exercise kind of useless unless this is your first experience with him.

[Fdiism]

از اون کتاباست که نخونی عمرت به فنا رفته.
دیدگاه جدیدی رو میگه و با خوندنش درباره احساساتی که در طول روز تجربه می‌کنید و براتون مبهمه به آگاهی خوبی می‌رسید.

[Book Libro Manthon]

I'd like to thank Dr. Burgo for writing this insightfull book on shame. It is helpful in many ways not only for individuals struggling with the emotions from the shame family but also for general public interested in modern psychology. It helps you understand your emotions and patterns of your reactions and teaches you to recognize, acknowledge and accept them instead of denying or fighting them. From now on I will be using the 4 paradigms of shame to analyze what I am feeling in a particular situation and try to understand it better and cope with it in the healthiest way possible, hopefully with less shame and more pride and joy.

[Chanel]

I like
The first time I think someone's fully acknowledged that building self esteem inherently involves other people. The factors contributing to self esteem feel very true to me: having shame resilience, having goals based on what we truly care about, taking pride in our accomplishments, and sharing our joy with others.

[Chanel]

Couldn’t put it down. I finished Dr. Burgo’s Shame via Audible in only two days.

Truly a must read for every human. Vivid storytelling based on extensive psychotherapy case studies made it achievable to understanding/ overcoming our own debilitating shame stories. Just wonderful.

[Jamie Bee]

More About Shame than Self-Esteem

It seems odd to me that the author titled this book using the word “self-esteem.” I feel it is only peripherally about that and isn't actually addressed in much depth until the very last section of the book. What this book is about instead is what is stated in the subtitle: shame. The author ascribes meaning to it beyond which we typically think. In fact, his first example of it is nothing that I would see as shameful whatsoever. Yes, I did read his reasons why he thinks this is a worthy example of shame, but I just don't buy it. He sees shame as not just one emotion—and I would question whether it is an emotion or just a reaction—about a constellation of emotions that include embarrassment and guilt. I don't understand the need to lump things together like that. He does go into greater depth about shame and these members of the shame family. Despite what he said and the studies he brings up, I just don't agree that much of what he is talking about is actually shame or that getting a handle on your shame will help you grow or is necessarily key to building self-esteem, especially in adults. The author may not believe me when I say that I feel that I have not truly experienced what I would consider to be true shame; other people’s reactions to me don’t faze me like that. Perhaps the author would say I'm in denial. I was truly surprised to see that the greater chunk of this book is pretty much just about shame (not self-esteem), looking at it from different angles like denying and avoiding it as well as describing in more detail what the shame spectrum is. He really should have used shame in the title (not just the sub), although that perhaps would decrease sales. The only large section that mentions self-esteem in its title is just over 44 pages in the 317-page PDF ARC copy I received. That isn’t a lot of pages devoted to what should be the main thrust of the book.

I received a free copy of this book, but that did not affect my review.

My book blog: https://www.readingfanaticreviews.com

[Ramona Mead]

I was pleasantly surprised to find this book was not what I expected. Burgo takes a different approach than others I've read, that explores shame as a family of emotions. I especially love how he differentiated SHAME (toxic shame) from shame (normal every day emotions we feel.) Growing up, I was subjected to a great deal of toxic shame, and verbal, physical, and emotional abuse. I was in my 30's by the time I learned how wrong and harmful this was, and how it has affected the rest of my life. I have found myself in several shame based work places, and struggled with it while playing team sports. Here, Burgo explains how shame exists, as all emotions do, on a wide spectrum. And he reasons that regardless of the source of our shame, or what we call it, with awareness, we can overcome to negative effects and acknowledge all of our emotions without so much judgement.

Many thanks to NetGalley for my advanced digital copy of this book in exchange for my honest review.

[Ann Gry]

I was on the lookout for a book by a therapist and tried out several before stumbling upon this one through self-reflection and research on the emotions of shame I discovered in myself. I liked an article Burgo wrote and decided to read this book. I have shared some of it with friends and family to compare life experiences and now understand that this won’t be relevant for everyone.

For me, it was an important book, revelatory and guiding in the most profound ways. I liked the lack of condescending or humour-driven approach that some therapists pursue in such books. Here, instead of ridicule, author strives to help his clients and the reader. I appreciate the book and author’s insights and shared experience and would recommend to anyone who struggles with feelings of deep uncontrollable, irrational shame. For the rest, I don’t think it would be too helpful in building general self-esteem. In that sense, it’s a very specific book.

[Miriam]

حالا برم سراغ تمرینها که وضع خرابه 😂.

[Jackie]

I felt compelled to write this review because I believe this book could benefit many readers, especially those relying on others' opinions to decide whether or not to dive in. The author has done an excellent job of offering a profound and insightful exploration of shame.

The book opens with a relatable case that exemplifies feelings of shame, something we’ve all encountered. This not only brings the author’s core idea to life—that shame involves a range of emotions—but also highlights how common and neutral these feelings can be. By framing the topic this way, the author moves the discussion beyond the narrower concepts of toxic and social shame, setting his work apart from writers like John Bradshaw and Brené Brown.

This book addresses many crucial aspects of the topic. The author explicitly lists the everyday language we use to describe shame, helping readers become more aware of these emotions. Additionally, by categorizing the causes and defense mechanisms associated with shame, the author provides readers with a framework to better understand and interpret their feelings. This lays a solid foundation for later chapters, which encourage readers to explore the meaning of these emotions and make more intentional behavioral choices.

The case studies are highly engaging and written in a reader-friendly style, almost like fiction. Just as the reader becomes immersed in the characters' experiences, the author skillfully redirects focus to the underlying lessons. By balancing extreme cases with more relatable, everyday examples, the author ensures that readers of varying experiences can find personal connections.

The exercises and guidance provided are also valuable. However, I wish the author had expanded further or offered more detail when referencing works by Brené Brown and Nathaniel Branden, as this might give readers additional tools if they choose to explore these sources independently.

Overall, this is an excellent book for anyone seeking to understand why we experience negative emotions and how to manage them more effectively.

[Suz Jay]

I was excited to have the opportunity to obtain an Advanced Reader Copy (ARC) of this book on NetGalley.

“Especially today, in our narcissistic age, when so many people feel compelled to come across as social media winners, if you admit to feeling shame, you run the risk of becoming a contemptible loser...How you feel about yourself seems unrelated to other people; self-esteem embodies an internal relationship you have with the person you feel yourself to be...But human beings are social animals who define their identities to a significant degree in relation to other people, the members of their tribe.”

The author differentiates “core shame,” related to “extreme parenting failures” similar to an attachment disorder and a violation of basic trust, from the perfectionism of “social shame,” which is related to failure to meet societal ideals. Toxic shame can be managed and self-acceptance can be obtained, but it is too ingrained to be ultimately overcome. Social shame, which is a part of life, includes the shame of Unrequited Love, Exclusion, Unwanted Exposure, and Disappointed Expectation. Unrequited Love occurs in “...a self that has failed to secure affection from the loved one or that has failed to gain acceptance from a friend.” Exclusion occurs when someone feels ostracized from a group. Unwanted exposure happens when a person makes a mistake or feels somehow lesser than others. Disappointed Expectation occurs when things don’t go as a person expected or hoped.

Case studies are provided as examples of the types of shame and the effects on people’s lives. Exercises are included for the reader to explore his personal experiences.

I enjoy reading books such as this one that help me see the world through a new lens.

*Please note that my review is based on uncorrected text.

[Nirusiya]

I read this with a grain of salt. I am not convinced about his 'core shame' theory. Though I wholehearted agree every child deserves a loving, accepting nurturing upbringing and family....but I think even a child who didn't entirely have the perfect upbringing ...could still thrive in life.

His 4 categories of shame are a useful way to view shame. It is a useful introduction or framework to use ...to approach the huge umbrella of 'shame feelings'.

I think social shame could have been demonstrated more. Many people struggle with shame, even with a great and supportive childhoods. I guess I liked his thoughts on shame with disappointed expectations - I wish he included more in this category, more case studies - I feel the general public could likely relate to this one more.

The author's tone to LGBTQ issues was obvious and wasn't the most inclusive or least judgmental point of view. I liked how the author went through case studies .... but it felt so obvious that the author was seeing things from a narrow perspective. I found some of his analysis fixated or narrow in depth. I found myself having more compassion to each case study patient, than what the author demonstrated.

I don't like how the author approaches neuroscience - his skeptism about neurogenesis was a bit annoying. Most people I feel would benefit from a skilled cognitive behaviour therapist...whether it's anxiety, mood disorders and more... but again we are all human - slipping up with negative habits can lead to a relapse.

I wished the author gave more credit to the environment and how it shapes and impacts people feelings about themselves and consequently their thinking patterns. It's hard to remove your family, and changing jobs might not be so easy...this isn't really a self help book; but it does provide one perspective that is of some use.

[A.M.]

Very interesting but a little hard to review because it’s such a personal thing. He gives examples from his own clientele and from his own life experience. [changing the names etc of course]
Brene Brown is kind of the ‘it’ author on shame right now, but as Burgo points out, she is mostly concerned with social shame. He’s talking about core shame; the stuff we have internalised from years ago, often when we were children.
From the summary:
Challenging widely-accepted views within the self-esteem movement, author Joseph Burgo argues that self-esteem does NOT thrive in the soil of non-stop praise and encouragement, but rather depends upon setting and meeting goals, living up to the expectations we hold for ourselves, and finally sharing our joy in achievement with the people who matter most to us. Along the way, listening to and learning from our encounters with shame will go further than affirmations and positive self-talk in helping us to build authentic self-esteem.
Exactly.
All my library reserves came in at once - I tend to borrow rather than buy these kind of books - and it is very interesting to contrast Burgo’s strategy with others. He also mentions ‘Quiet’ and that is waiting in my in box too.
The solution? Tiny building blocks …
On to the next one!
4 stars

[J.A. A Santana]

This book shed light on something I struggled with for a long time, both my shame and guilt I felt I've done in action, words I said, my appearance throughout my life and has been a liberating experience to read this book to learn more about it and ways to build shame resilience but also learn to accept its part of who we're because of its evolutionary reasons and how in modern times we find ourselves in a society where technology moves so fast, culture not emphasizing the impact of child-rearing plays a massive role in a person mindset and behavior; and our evolutionary adaptions struggles to keep up with these nuances.

Lately in my life, I embraced the motto, "Amor Fati," it means "love your fate" basically accept it, embrace, love it, and make the most of it and don't waste time hoping for a different (past) fate. This doesn't imply take things as they're but your response to it plays a role in shaping your next thought, behavior; especially, when you have aspirations to achieve, passions to discover, and draw meaning for the value you provide not just yourself but also for others and take pride in it and be humble by your experiences, "Amor Fati."