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Borderline Anneyi Anlamak
İnsanın hayattaki ilk sevgi nesnesi annedir. Onun yüzünü, sesini, duygudurumlarını ve ifadelerini tanımak sağkalım için elzemdir. Dr. Christine Ann Lawson, sınırda kişilik bozukluğundan mustarip annelerin, yetişkinlikte bile bocalayan; sınırda ebeveynin dünyasında bir iskele, hatta görünür bir kıyı dahi olmadığını fark edemeyerek güvenlik arayışıyla onun limanına sığınmak için beyhude yere çabalayan çocuklar yetiştirdiklerini çarpıcı örneklerle anlatıyor. Sunduğu vakalar arasında yakın tarihimizden Galler Prensesi Diana, şair ve yazar Sylvia Plath, eski ABD başkanı Abraham Lincoln’ün eşi Mary Todd Lincoln ve seri katil Edmund Kemper da bulunuyor.
Farklı semptom kümeleri tanımlayarak Kimsesiz, Münzevi, Cadı ve Kraliçe olmak üzere dört sınırda karakter profili çıkaran Dr. Lawson, sınırda annenin çocuğunun da bizzat karmaşık ve yıkıcı kişilik bozuklukları geliştirme riski taşıdığını açıklıyor. Empati yoluyla sınırda anneyi anlamanın ve erken müdahaleyle çocuğu gerçekliğe bağlayarak “hayal ürünü” bir anneyle yaşamanın sıklıkla tehlikeli olan etkilerinden korumanın önemini vurguluyor.
Sınırda ebeveynin yetişkin çocuklarıyla çalışan terapistlere olduğu kadar, bu kitaptaki vakalarda kendini ve annesini görecek okurlara da hitap eden Dr. Lawson son olarak, daha sağlıklı anne-çocuk ilişkileri kurmak için her soruna özel öneriler sunuyor; Kimsesiz’e onu kurtarmaksızın bakmanın, Münzevi’yle korkusunu beslemeksizin ilgilenmenin, Kraliçe’yi ona kul olmadan sevmenin ve Cadı’yla kurbanı olmadan yaşamanın yöntemlerini aktarıyor.
“Kapsamlı bir araştırmanın sonucunda özenle kaleme alınmış bu kitap, sınırda annenin çocuğuyla ilişkisindeki muğlaklığı çözmek için çarpıcı, belirgin ve klinik detaylarla dolu bolca kanıt sunuyor. Dr. Lawson sınırda annenin nice yüzünü başarıyla sınıflandırıp betimlemekle kalmıyor; sınırda anneyle yapıcı ilişki kurup sürdürme yöntemlerini de ana hatlarıyla paylaşıyor. Sınırda hastalarla çalışan tüm terapistler için faydalı bir kaynak.”
–Dr. James F. Masterson, Masterson Psikanalitik Psikoterapi Enstitüsü’nün kurucusu; Kişilik Bozuklukları ve Narsistik ve Borderline Kişilik Bozuklukları kitaplarının yazarı -
“Rahatça okunabilen bu kitapta jargondan ve bilgiçlikten eser yok. Konusu karmaşık ve ağır olduğu halde anlatımı basit ve öz. Dr Lawson, Sınırda Kişilik Bozukluğu’ndan mustarip anneleri Kimsesiz, Münzevi, Cadı ve Kraliçe olmak üzere tasnif ediyor ve hepsini tablo misali resmediyor. Sınırda anneler ve onların çocuklarıyla kurdukları ilişkilere dair bu benzersiz incelemesini, her iki taraf için de neler yapılabileceğini kişilerarası perspektiften irdeleyerek sonlandırıyor. Klinik öykülerle bezeli Borderline Anneyi Anlamak bilgilendirici olduğu kadar keyifli bir okuma da sunuyor.”
–Dr. Peter L. Giovacchini, Borderline Yetişkinin Psikoterapisinde Yeni Bakış Açıları kitabının yazarı -
“Gülümseyen bir maskenin ve annelik önlüğünün ardında, sınırda bir anne gizli olabilir. Dr. Lawson, çocuklarına yoğun kafa karışıklıkları ve korku hali yansıtan annelerin çok etkileyici bir portresini çiziyor. Hayal ürünü, peri masalı, kraliçe ve cadı gibi türlere ayırdığı çeşitli anne profillerini açıklamakla kalmayıp her biriyle nasıl başa çıkılacağına dair klinik önerilerde bulunuyor. Sınırda Kişilik Bozukluğu fenomenolojisi çerçevesinde çalışan terapistlere sunduğu etkili sağaltım yöntemleriyle literatüre muhteşem bir katkı.”
–Dr. Joan Lachkar, How to Talk to a Borderline ve The Narcissistic / Borderline Couple: New Approaches to Marital Therapy kitaplarının yazarı -
“Sınırda anneyle geçirilen çocukluk, tarifsiz bir trajedidir. Çocuğun gelişimsel ihtiyaçlarının çok azı karşılanır çünkü anne ebeveynliği beceremez. Dolayısıyla çocuk, başarısızlıkla ömür boyu sürecek bir mücadeleye programlanır. İnsanlar yirmi yılı aşkın süredir kendi acı dolu hikâyelerini paylaşıp, benim yolculuğumda kendilerine umut aradılar. Bu kitabın sunduğu müşfik, anlayışlı ve profesyonel destek, başarısızlıktan kurtuluşun yol haritasını çiziyor.”
–Christina Crawford, SKB’den mustarip aktris Joan Crawford’ın kızı ve Mommie Dearest kitabının yazarı -
Farklı semptom kümeleri tanımlayarak Kimsesiz, Münzevi, Cadı ve Kraliçe olmak üzere dört sınırda karakter profili çıkaran Dr. Lawson, sınırda annenin çocuğunun da bizzat karmaşık ve yıkıcı kişilik bozuklukları geliştirme riski taşıdığını açıklıyor. Empati yoluyla sınırda anneyi anlamanın ve erken müdahaleyle çocuğu gerçekliğe bağlayarak “hayal ürünü” bir anneyle yaşamanın sıklıkla tehlikeli olan etkilerinden korumanın önemini vurguluyor.
Sınırda ebeveynin yetişkin çocuklarıyla çalışan terapistlere olduğu kadar, bu kitaptaki vakalarda kendini ve annesini görecek okurlara da hitap eden Dr. Lawson son olarak, daha sağlıklı anne-çocuk ilişkileri kurmak için her soruna özel öneriler sunuyor; Kimsesiz’e onu kurtarmaksızın bakmanın, Münzevi’yle korkusunu beslemeksizin ilgilenmenin, Kraliçe’yi ona kul olmadan sevmenin ve Cadı’yla kurbanı olmadan yaşamanın yöntemlerini aktarıyor.
“Kapsamlı bir araştırmanın sonucunda özenle kaleme alınmış bu kitap, sınırda annenin çocuğuyla ilişkisindeki muğlaklığı çözmek için çarpıcı, belirgin ve klinik detaylarla dolu bolca kanıt sunuyor. Dr. Lawson sınırda annenin nice yüzünü başarıyla sınıflandırıp betimlemekle kalmıyor; sınırda anneyle yapıcı ilişki kurup sürdürme yöntemlerini de ana hatlarıyla paylaşıyor. Sınırda hastalarla çalışan tüm terapistler için faydalı bir kaynak.”
–Dr. James F. Masterson, Masterson Psikanalitik Psikoterapi Enstitüsü’nün kurucusu; Kişilik Bozuklukları ve Narsistik ve Borderline Kişilik Bozuklukları kitaplarının yazarı -
“Rahatça okunabilen bu kitapta jargondan ve bilgiçlikten eser yok. Konusu karmaşık ve ağır olduğu halde anlatımı basit ve öz. Dr Lawson, Sınırda Kişilik Bozukluğu’ndan mustarip anneleri Kimsesiz, Münzevi, Cadı ve Kraliçe olmak üzere tasnif ediyor ve hepsini tablo misali resmediyor. Sınırda anneler ve onların çocuklarıyla kurdukları ilişkilere dair bu benzersiz incelemesini, her iki taraf için de neler yapılabileceğini kişilerarası perspektiften irdeleyerek sonlandırıyor. Klinik öykülerle bezeli Borderline Anneyi Anlamak bilgilendirici olduğu kadar keyifli bir okuma da sunuyor.”
–Dr. Peter L. Giovacchini, Borderline Yetişkinin Psikoterapisinde Yeni Bakış Açıları kitabının yazarı -
“Gülümseyen bir maskenin ve annelik önlüğünün ardında, sınırda bir anne gizli olabilir. Dr. Lawson, çocuklarına yoğun kafa karışıklıkları ve korku hali yansıtan annelerin çok etkileyici bir portresini çiziyor. Hayal ürünü, peri masalı, kraliçe ve cadı gibi türlere ayırdığı çeşitli anne profillerini açıklamakla kalmayıp her biriyle nasıl başa çıkılacağına dair klinik önerilerde bulunuyor. Sınırda Kişilik Bozukluğu fenomenolojisi çerçevesinde çalışan terapistlere sunduğu etkili sağaltım yöntemleriyle literatüre muhteşem bir katkı.”
–Dr. Joan Lachkar, How to Talk to a Borderline ve The Narcissistic / Borderline Couple: New Approaches to Marital Therapy kitaplarının yazarı -
“Sınırda anneyle geçirilen çocukluk, tarifsiz bir trajedidir. Çocuğun gelişimsel ihtiyaçlarının çok azı karşılanır çünkü anne ebeveynliği beceremez. Dolayısıyla çocuk, başarısızlıkla ömür boyu sürecek bir mücadeleye programlanır. İnsanlar yirmi yılı aşkın süredir kendi acı dolu hikâyelerini paylaşıp, benim yolculuğumda kendilerine umut aradılar. Bu kitabın sunduğu müşfik, anlayışlı ve profesyonel destek, başarısızlıktan kurtuluşun yol haritasını çiziyor.”
–Christina Crawford, SKB’den mustarip aktris Joan Crawford’ın kızı ve Mommie Dearest kitabının yazarı -
280 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2000
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 330 reviews
October 19, 2009
I devoured this book, though not because it was "enjoyable". As others have written, at turns I found it illuminating, validating, or anger-provoking. I am trying hard to use it for understanding, but I have a lot of work to do before that is likely to happen. Finally, though, I can name behaviors that I knew made me crazy (but I kept thinking I should be able to just get past it all). It is wonderful to feel less alone -- I knew my sister understood, but outside of her, people who have not experienced a borderline parent just aren't going to understand what it feels like to be in such a situation.
Apparently a bpd diagnosis is controversial -- but my take at this point is that, whatever you want to call it, what is being written about in this book, and what I experienced (and continue to experience in dealing with my mother) is something real. It was researched and written about so clearly here that whatever you call it and however you treat it, at least I know my reality matches with others, and that I'm not crazy. It's hard to explain how important the validation is, at least to me.
Hardest of all, however, is to see any of these behaviors in myself with my own children. After much thought and examination, I do not think I inherited full-blown bpd. But some patterns definitely stuck, and I need to work, work, work on lessening those (if not eradicating, but that may not be realistic). At least I can recognize the behaviors! It's a start.
The book falls short on telling you what to do now that you understand what you are dealing with. Of course, it didn't set out to do that (and other books do), so I don't fault it for that at all. Just don't expect this book to help in that way.
Apparently a bpd diagnosis is controversial -- but my take at this point is that, whatever you want to call it, what is being written about in this book, and what I experienced (and continue to experience in dealing with my mother) is something real. It was researched and written about so clearly here that whatever you call it and however you treat it, at least I know my reality matches with others, and that I'm not crazy. It's hard to explain how important the validation is, at least to me.
Hardest of all, however, is to see any of these behaviors in myself with my own children. After much thought and examination, I do not think I inherited full-blown bpd. But some patterns definitely stuck, and I need to work, work, work on lessening those (if not eradicating, but that may not be realistic). At least I can recognize the behaviors! It's a start.
The book falls short on telling you what to do now that you understand what you are dealing with. Of course, it didn't set out to do that (and other books do), so I don't fault it for that at all. Just don't expect this book to help in that way.
October 24, 2017
I wouldn't have picked up this book without being told "Holy crap, this is your mom." Who already has an idea of what borderline personality disorder is and how that can manifest in its various forms and then present in our mothers? Not me.
I've always known in some way that my mom is a basket of dysfunctions, a walking trail of tears, an emotional vampire, a bulldozer, a blackhole for attention, unstable, and a child but it's all lost in a nebulous abyss of "something is wrong with her. Why can't she just be a, b, and c and do x, y, and z for me? You know. Be normal." And the crux being, others DON'T see her extremely dysfunctional behavior because the borderline presents different faces to different people.
So, for anyone that feels somehow diminished, the parent, or more like crap in the presence of their mother or meets other people's mothers and finds themselves in shock because those ladies might as well be an alien race from another planet, this book is a must read.
The book doesn't set out to cast BPD mothers as villains but more as a validation of the child's experience who lived with such a mother.
The author, Lawson, breaks down borderline personality disorder into layman's speech in easily digestible parts and, though a highly educational and not necessarily a fun read, I wasn't overwhelmed.
The book starts off defining BPD and then we learn the why behind it...which I would think for any child of a BPD mother isn't a mystery at all, at least not for me.
The author then breaks the BPD mother down into four archetypes: The Hermit, The Waif, The Queen, and The Witch.
I'd say this is the part in the book where the rubber meets the road and the epiphanies are firing off with nearly every word because the examples are so crystal clear and line up with the behaviors of our moms. Seriously, I nearly ran out of ink highlighting the passages.
Each mom usually presents more strongly with one archetype and then also has a secondary. Along with their primary and secondary archetypes, characteristics from all four can be in play at different times while some never arise at all. She explains how Princess Di is as an example of "The Waif" on one end of the spectrum with Susan Smith and Joan Crawford as "The Witch" on the other.
Lawson also goes into the types of men these women marry, also archetypes, and how all of the parental archetypes in this BPD world impact their children, us. And, for the love of Pete, she mentions ways we can be aware so we don't pass BPD down to our own kids.
She ends the book with tips on how to have your mother in your life in a healthier way in present day. To be clear, this isn't a "fix your mom" book. This is a book about validating your experience, offering the child of a BPD ways of changing their OWN behavior to protect themselves when with their mothers...and that may even mean not having your mother in your life at all.
It may sound confusing but really the book offered me a deep understanding of the hows and whys of my own mother and gave me a way to talk about her and my experience. It's really an invaluable tool and one I'll continually refer to when I need it.
I've always known in some way that my mom is a basket of dysfunctions, a walking trail of tears, an emotional vampire, a bulldozer, a blackhole for attention, unstable, and a child but it's all lost in a nebulous abyss of "something is wrong with her. Why can't she just be a, b, and c and do x, y, and z for me? You know. Be normal." And the crux being, others DON'T see her extremely dysfunctional behavior because the borderline presents different faces to different people.
So, for anyone that feels somehow diminished, the parent, or more like crap in the presence of their mother or meets other people's mothers and finds themselves in shock because those ladies might as well be an alien race from another planet, this book is a must read.
The book doesn't set out to cast BPD mothers as villains but more as a validation of the child's experience who lived with such a mother.
The author, Lawson, breaks down borderline personality disorder into layman's speech in easily digestible parts and, though a highly educational and not necessarily a fun read, I wasn't overwhelmed.
The book starts off defining BPD and then we learn the why behind it...which I would think for any child of a BPD mother isn't a mystery at all, at least not for me.
The author then breaks the BPD mother down into four archetypes: The Hermit, The Waif, The Queen, and The Witch.
I'd say this is the part in the book where the rubber meets the road and the epiphanies are firing off with nearly every word because the examples are so crystal clear and line up with the behaviors of our moms. Seriously, I nearly ran out of ink highlighting the passages.
Each mom usually presents more strongly with one archetype and then also has a secondary. Along with their primary and secondary archetypes, characteristics from all four can be in play at different times while some never arise at all. She explains how Princess Di is as an example of "The Waif" on one end of the spectrum with Susan Smith and Joan Crawford as "The Witch" on the other.
Lawson also goes into the types of men these women marry, also archetypes, and how all of the parental archetypes in this BPD world impact their children, us. And, for the love of Pete, she mentions ways we can be aware so we don't pass BPD down to our own kids.
She ends the book with tips on how to have your mother in your life in a healthier way in present day. To be clear, this isn't a "fix your mom" book. This is a book about validating your experience, offering the child of a BPD ways of changing their OWN behavior to protect themselves when with their mothers...and that may even mean not having your mother in your life at all.
It may sound confusing but really the book offered me a deep understanding of the hows and whys of my own mother and gave me a way to talk about her and my experience. It's really an invaluable tool and one I'll continually refer to when I need it.
July 1, 2012
I just read this book in one sitting. I ended up highlighting almost as much as I didn't. I can't think of a better book for a child of a borderline mother. I kept thinking, "This is it. This is it exactly." Sometimes validation is the most important thing.
August 15, 2023
I found this summary of the book's key ideas helpful, and edited it a bit. Borderline Personality Disorder can manifest differently, depending on a person's general personality strategy for dealing with the same core issues. A person can also manifest aspects of other subtypes at times, even though they tend to default to one subtype. This book focuses on mothers, the husbands they're drawn to (and draw), and the children they raise. However, men can just as easily suffer from BPD and operate withing these subtypes.
One thing I want to point out is how The Queen subtype has lots overlap with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but the KEY difference is that Borderlines experience empathy, even if they break from it at times. Narcissists CANNOT feel empathy, BUT they have a conscience. There's a lot of pop-psychology out there now that makes one think all narcissists are psychopaths, but that's not true—most narcissists do have a conscience. Although some don't, this is not a defining characteristic of narcissism, whereas lack of empathy is.
The Waif:
“Life is too hard" The Waif seems to want soothing and often leaves others feeling helpless because she is often inconsolable. The Waif can self soothe with the compulsive use of alcohol, drugs, money, food, sex, work, and likes to play the role of the martyr. She can often become hysterical to get attention. Unfortunately, nothing others do for the Waif seems to be quite good enough. She could be described as a bottomless pit of neediness in that if you give an inch, she will want a foot, and if you give a foot, she will want a yard, etc. Others usually wind up feeling "used" and burned out and then will avoid her, only compounding her fears of abandonment and rejection that reinforce the cycle all over again. The Waif rarely has insight into her own behavior and is more likely to play the victim than to take any responsibility. If challenged to take responsibility she will either further sink into helplessness or flip and accuse others of persecuting her.
• Helpless and hopeless, the Borderline Waif feels cast adrift, lost in a sea of her own despair, she is a delicate creature with sharp edges hidden beneath her soft exterior. The waif is frequently victimized and evokes sympathy and concern from others.
• She can be socially engaging but can quickly turn on those she needs leaving friends and family members perplexed. The waif projects her feelings of helplessness and victimization onto others. Discarded friends frequently ask themselves “What did I do to deserve this?”
• The Waif grabs onto anything that can support her and keep her afloat. She conceals her rage by sadness. When she is mishandled, her rage can take others by surprise.
• They may create a secret fantasy life rarely revealed to others because fantasy is safer than reality for the Borderline Waif. Temperamental, flirtatious, venomous, bored, agitated and seriously depressed, can provoke arguments or become violent.
• The Waif’s dominant emotional state is helplessness. The Waif feels powerless to find direction or focus. In social situations, she flits about, never connecting in depth. She can be inappropriately open, enticing others with too much self-disclosure and then walking away with an air of indifference. She may fish for complements and then reject them, seek attention and then hide, complain miserably and then refuse help.
• The Waif leaves others feeling helpless. Unconsciously, she needs to stay helpless in order to feel safe. The Waif is a help-rejecting victim and helplessness is a defense against closeness and loss. They can have difficulty articulating their feelings.
• Time after time, family members throw life preservers to the Waif and are bewildered when she throws them back. Standing on shore, those who love her wonder, does she want to drown? Family members can become very tired constantly trying to save them.
• The Waif is so prone into depression and withdrawal that others may find her undependable and at time exhausting. She is often self destructive but it is hidden as it signifies resignation rather than a call for attention. When she wants to attract attention, she becomes hysterical.
• The Waif seems to be unable to think through the consequences of her decisions. She sees herself as an incompetent failure and is overly dependent on the approval of others. She misinterprets innocuous comments as criticism and rejects those who are critical before they reject her. Rejection and abandonment trigger rage and depression. Although her rage may be directed at her children or partner, the Waif blames herself for her misfortune, she feels marked, doomed, stuck with interminable bad luck and is susceptible to breakdown.
• Because she has no underlying foundation of self worth, she cannot tolerate minor mistakes, inconsequential failures or mild disappointments.
• They may read more into relationships with men than actually exists, setting herself up for disappointment. The Waif allows herself to be exploited by men and may be unable to resist men who pay attention to her. Her vulnerability makes her an easy target for victimization. She may be openly or subtly seductive or misread male attention. The Borderline Waif is a hopeless romantic. Those who love her feel frustrated annoyed and occasionally outraged by her behavior.
The Queen:
“It's all about me!” Borderline Queens are driven by feelings of emptiness, and seek special treatment because they felt emotionally deprived as children. The Queen has learned how to win special treatment through persistence and intimidation. She can be intrusive, loud, inpatient, and flamboyant. She is easily frustrated, often bursting into rages than can terrify her children. She can be disingenuous and may lie in order to get what she wants. Giving in to the Queen is easier than resisting, and Dr. Lawson further points out that those who dare to confront the Queen may be treated as infidels and, as such, may be banished for their disloyalty. In this way, the Borderline may create new borderlines in their children by terrorizing them with rejection and abandonment to punish them for not following her will. Husbands of Queens learn that any peace and equanimity that can be obtained in the relationship with her will require that they acquiesce to her demands or arguments will ensue that will escalate until the Queen gets her way. For similar reasons, the Queen will be right about everything and never take responsibility for her own mistakes or problems. She will never apologize or say she is sorry or seek forgiveness. The Queen is sovereign and expects all to serve her faithfully and compliantly or as the Queen in Alice In Wonderland would hysterically shout, "Off With Their Heads!"
The Witch:
“I can't be happy until I have found someone to hurt.” She engages in "borderline rage" which leads to denigration, smashing of objects especially if they are favored objects of her children such as favorite toys or of her spouse like a favorite guitar, desk, cars etc. Adult children of borderline children tell me that the only time they felt safe was when they were in school or at someone else's house. Going home after school always filled them with dread because they never knew "what kind of a mood she would be in" or what fault she had focused on in their absence that had filled her with rage. Children are the first to recognize and the last to admit that something is wrong with their mother. Only as adults, safely ensconced in their own life will they look back and disclose stories of the terror they endured as children. Usually other adults, even if they knew the mother, express shock and chagrin because they had no idea of what was actually going on.
The Hermit:
The borderline Hermit seeks solitude but paradoxically longs to belong. The predominant emotion of the Hermit borderline is fear and so they often shut out the ones they claim to love. It's as if they have been hurt so much in the past by people who were supposed to love them that they have made a pledge to themselves not to let anyone ever hurt them again. They, therefore, protect themselves by a wall that can be cold and stony or accusatory and wrathful. In a similar vein, to project an exterior of invincibility, the Hermit borderline will never admit she is wrong, never say she is sorry, never apologize or take responsibility for her part in hurt and injustice. She dreads being understood by others because it indicates a loss of protective seclusion and so usually refuses any psychotherapy or counseling. Hermit borderlines can be relentless in their criticism and denigration of the no-good child because there is tremendous fear that the child's imperfection will reflect on her. To bolster her self-esteem, the Hermit borderline will often cling to the all-good child giving the all-good child a sense of being trapped, drained, and upstaged.
Types of Children under Borderline Moms:
The All-Good Child:
The All-Good Child does not develop Borderline Personality Disorder because only the idealized parts of the mother are projected onto this child. Other serious psychological conflicts develop however, because of the mother need to merge with the All-Good child. Perhaps the most devastating psychic conflict the All-Good child experiences is Imposter Syndrome, feeling that those who perceive her as good or competent are mistaken. The All-Good child is the parentified child, trained to parent the parent, All-Good children are typically obedient and loyal, and may function as little therapists in their families.
The No-Good Child:
It is only a matter of time before the Borderline’s No-Good daughter becomes a Borderline mother herself. The negative projections of the Borderline mother grounded the No-Good child's self-concept in self-hatred. Children who are perceived as evil by their mother have two choices: believe they are evil, or die trying to be good. The mother's perception is immutable.
No-Good children can never win, no matter how hard they try. Without intervention, they’re likely to develop BPD. Typically, they become involved with drugs and alcohol at an early age. Their school performance reflects their negative self-view and their sense of hopelessness. Flagrant acting out such as antisocial behavior, stealing, drug abuse, promiscuity, and running away, reinforces the mother's belief that the child is No Good.
The Lost Child:
Neither personal possessions nor relationships are perceived as necessary for survival. Although lost children can be friendly, fun, and affable, they have difficulty being reliable, consistent, or dependable. They avoid commitment of any kind. Underneath the Lost Child’s easygoing demeanor is cynicism about life that feels meaningless and empty. Lost Children may seem carefree, but they are not happy. They live on the fringes of society and play by their own rules. They can easily end up on the streets homeless.
Types of Husbands that Marry Borderlines:
The Frog Prince:
The Waif searches for a frog prince, an underdog with whom she identifies and whom, she hopes, will change into Prince Charming. She fantasizes about the prince rescuing her from misery, but the frog inevitably disappoints her, because Frog Prince fathers are unable to provide reliable emotional support. Underdogs, or frogs, are defined primarily by characteristics that evoke sympathy from others, ranging from physical unattractiveness to unpopularity. The Waif feels sorry for the Frog and is drawn to his vulnerability. Because she hopes to provide him with what she herself needs, she may end up feeling used. She accuses her partner of taking advantage of her, failing to appreciate everything she has done for him.
The Huntsman:
The Hermit is likely to marry a huntsman, a man who protects her from danger and provides the stability she so desperately needs. The child of the Hermit and Huntsman however, may feel betrayed by both parents, particularly if the Hermit is abusive and the Huntsman fails to intervene.
The Huntsman who marries the Borderline Hermit is ruled by his conscience, which prevents him from violating principles of loyalty and fidelity. He represses and disavows his own emotions. Thus, he does not perceive his own happiness to be important. The Huntsman fulfills his duty to his conscience. Defining his self worth in terms of the degree to which his behavior is congruent with his principles. The Huntsman is humble even if professionally successful; he does not seek adulation or fame. He gives credit to others, prefers to be anonymous, and thus feels at home with the Hermit’s need to hide. At the root of his personality is guilt.
The King:
The Borderline Queen, because of her inner emptiness and insatiable need for admiration, is most likely to marry a narcissistic King. Her mirror-hungry personality leads her on a quest for a high-profile partner whom other's envy and admire. The king and Queen's child however may feel emotionally abandoned by both parents. The king is the prototypical narcissist.
The king and Queen have a volatile relationship and their children can lose themselves in drugs or alcohol to escape the conflict at home. If the couple divorces, battles over custody issues can continue for years.
The Fisherman:
The Borderline Witch and her husband quarrel constantly, relating to one another as enemies, rather than lovers. They come together in mutual acrimony.
Men who marry Witches typically were either motherless or had very sadistic and controlling mothers. They had no healthy mothering experience against which to compare their wives egregious behavior. If they grew up with harsh discipline, they believed it was for their own good and did them no harm. These men fail to see how their children are hurt, because they failed to recognize how they were hurt as children.
The Fisherman believes mother knows best. The Fisherman's fear of his wife prevents him from protecting his children from her vindictiveness and abuse. He relinquishes his will to the Witch, functioning as an extension of her. Men who are married to Witches participate in a folie à deux (double madness), which reinforces the Witch's distorted perceptions of her children.
One thing I want to point out is how The Queen subtype has lots overlap with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but the KEY difference is that Borderlines experience empathy, even if they break from it at times. Narcissists CANNOT feel empathy, BUT they have a conscience. There's a lot of pop-psychology out there now that makes one think all narcissists are psychopaths, but that's not true—most narcissists do have a conscience. Although some don't, this is not a defining characteristic of narcissism, whereas lack of empathy is.
The Waif:
“Life is too hard" The Waif seems to want soothing and often leaves others feeling helpless because she is often inconsolable. The Waif can self soothe with the compulsive use of alcohol, drugs, money, food, sex, work, and likes to play the role of the martyr. She can often become hysterical to get attention. Unfortunately, nothing others do for the Waif seems to be quite good enough. She could be described as a bottomless pit of neediness in that if you give an inch, she will want a foot, and if you give a foot, she will want a yard, etc. Others usually wind up feeling "used" and burned out and then will avoid her, only compounding her fears of abandonment and rejection that reinforce the cycle all over again. The Waif rarely has insight into her own behavior and is more likely to play the victim than to take any responsibility. If challenged to take responsibility she will either further sink into helplessness or flip and accuse others of persecuting her.
• Helpless and hopeless, the Borderline Waif feels cast adrift, lost in a sea of her own despair, she is a delicate creature with sharp edges hidden beneath her soft exterior. The waif is frequently victimized and evokes sympathy and concern from others.
• She can be socially engaging but can quickly turn on those she needs leaving friends and family members perplexed. The waif projects her feelings of helplessness and victimization onto others. Discarded friends frequently ask themselves “What did I do to deserve this?”
• The Waif grabs onto anything that can support her and keep her afloat. She conceals her rage by sadness. When she is mishandled, her rage can take others by surprise.
• They may create a secret fantasy life rarely revealed to others because fantasy is safer than reality for the Borderline Waif. Temperamental, flirtatious, venomous, bored, agitated and seriously depressed, can provoke arguments or become violent.
• The Waif’s dominant emotional state is helplessness. The Waif feels powerless to find direction or focus. In social situations, she flits about, never connecting in depth. She can be inappropriately open, enticing others with too much self-disclosure and then walking away with an air of indifference. She may fish for complements and then reject them, seek attention and then hide, complain miserably and then refuse help.
• The Waif leaves others feeling helpless. Unconsciously, she needs to stay helpless in order to feel safe. The Waif is a help-rejecting victim and helplessness is a defense against closeness and loss. They can have difficulty articulating their feelings.
• Time after time, family members throw life preservers to the Waif and are bewildered when she throws them back. Standing on shore, those who love her wonder, does she want to drown? Family members can become very tired constantly trying to save them.
• The Waif is so prone into depression and withdrawal that others may find her undependable and at time exhausting. She is often self destructive but it is hidden as it signifies resignation rather than a call for attention. When she wants to attract attention, she becomes hysterical.
• The Waif seems to be unable to think through the consequences of her decisions. She sees herself as an incompetent failure and is overly dependent on the approval of others. She misinterprets innocuous comments as criticism and rejects those who are critical before they reject her. Rejection and abandonment trigger rage and depression. Although her rage may be directed at her children or partner, the Waif blames herself for her misfortune, she feels marked, doomed, stuck with interminable bad luck and is susceptible to breakdown.
• Because she has no underlying foundation of self worth, she cannot tolerate minor mistakes, inconsequential failures or mild disappointments.
• They may read more into relationships with men than actually exists, setting herself up for disappointment. The Waif allows herself to be exploited by men and may be unable to resist men who pay attention to her. Her vulnerability makes her an easy target for victimization. She may be openly or subtly seductive or misread male attention. The Borderline Waif is a hopeless romantic. Those who love her feel frustrated annoyed and occasionally outraged by her behavior.
The Queen:
“It's all about me!” Borderline Queens are driven by feelings of emptiness, and seek special treatment because they felt emotionally deprived as children. The Queen has learned how to win special treatment through persistence and intimidation. She can be intrusive, loud, inpatient, and flamboyant. She is easily frustrated, often bursting into rages than can terrify her children. She can be disingenuous and may lie in order to get what she wants. Giving in to the Queen is easier than resisting, and Dr. Lawson further points out that those who dare to confront the Queen may be treated as infidels and, as such, may be banished for their disloyalty. In this way, the Borderline may create new borderlines in their children by terrorizing them with rejection and abandonment to punish them for not following her will. Husbands of Queens learn that any peace and equanimity that can be obtained in the relationship with her will require that they acquiesce to her demands or arguments will ensue that will escalate until the Queen gets her way. For similar reasons, the Queen will be right about everything and never take responsibility for her own mistakes or problems. She will never apologize or say she is sorry or seek forgiveness. The Queen is sovereign and expects all to serve her faithfully and compliantly or as the Queen in Alice In Wonderland would hysterically shout, "Off With Their Heads!"
The Witch:
“I can't be happy until I have found someone to hurt.” She engages in "borderline rage" which leads to denigration, smashing of objects especially if they are favored objects of her children such as favorite toys or of her spouse like a favorite guitar, desk, cars etc. Adult children of borderline children tell me that the only time they felt safe was when they were in school or at someone else's house. Going home after school always filled them with dread because they never knew "what kind of a mood she would be in" or what fault she had focused on in their absence that had filled her with rage. Children are the first to recognize and the last to admit that something is wrong with their mother. Only as adults, safely ensconced in their own life will they look back and disclose stories of the terror they endured as children. Usually other adults, even if they knew the mother, express shock and chagrin because they had no idea of what was actually going on.
The Hermit:
The borderline Hermit seeks solitude but paradoxically longs to belong. The predominant emotion of the Hermit borderline is fear and so they often shut out the ones they claim to love. It's as if they have been hurt so much in the past by people who were supposed to love them that they have made a pledge to themselves not to let anyone ever hurt them again. They, therefore, protect themselves by a wall that can be cold and stony or accusatory and wrathful. In a similar vein, to project an exterior of invincibility, the Hermit borderline will never admit she is wrong, never say she is sorry, never apologize or take responsibility for her part in hurt and injustice. She dreads being understood by others because it indicates a loss of protective seclusion and so usually refuses any psychotherapy or counseling. Hermit borderlines can be relentless in their criticism and denigration of the no-good child because there is tremendous fear that the child's imperfection will reflect on her. To bolster her self-esteem, the Hermit borderline will often cling to the all-good child giving the all-good child a sense of being trapped, drained, and upstaged.
Types of Children under Borderline Moms:
The All-Good Child:
The All-Good Child does not develop Borderline Personality Disorder because only the idealized parts of the mother are projected onto this child. Other serious psychological conflicts develop however, because of the mother need to merge with the All-Good child. Perhaps the most devastating psychic conflict the All-Good child experiences is Imposter Syndrome, feeling that those who perceive her as good or competent are mistaken. The All-Good child is the parentified child, trained to parent the parent, All-Good children are typically obedient and loyal, and may function as little therapists in their families.
The No-Good Child:
It is only a matter of time before the Borderline’s No-Good daughter becomes a Borderline mother herself. The negative projections of the Borderline mother grounded the No-Good child's self-concept in self-hatred. Children who are perceived as evil by their mother have two choices: believe they are evil, or die trying to be good. The mother's perception is immutable.
No-Good children can never win, no matter how hard they try. Without intervention, they’re likely to develop BPD. Typically, they become involved with drugs and alcohol at an early age. Their school performance reflects their negative self-view and their sense of hopelessness. Flagrant acting out such as antisocial behavior, stealing, drug abuse, promiscuity, and running away, reinforces the mother's belief that the child is No Good.
The Lost Child:
Neither personal possessions nor relationships are perceived as necessary for survival. Although lost children can be friendly, fun, and affable, they have difficulty being reliable, consistent, or dependable. They avoid commitment of any kind. Underneath the Lost Child’s easygoing demeanor is cynicism about life that feels meaningless and empty. Lost Children may seem carefree, but they are not happy. They live on the fringes of society and play by their own rules. They can easily end up on the streets homeless.
Types of Husbands that Marry Borderlines:
The Frog Prince:
The Waif searches for a frog prince, an underdog with whom she identifies and whom, she hopes, will change into Prince Charming. She fantasizes about the prince rescuing her from misery, but the frog inevitably disappoints her, because Frog Prince fathers are unable to provide reliable emotional support. Underdogs, or frogs, are defined primarily by characteristics that evoke sympathy from others, ranging from physical unattractiveness to unpopularity. The Waif feels sorry for the Frog and is drawn to his vulnerability. Because she hopes to provide him with what she herself needs, she may end up feeling used. She accuses her partner of taking advantage of her, failing to appreciate everything she has done for him.
The Huntsman:
The Hermit is likely to marry a huntsman, a man who protects her from danger and provides the stability she so desperately needs. The child of the Hermit and Huntsman however, may feel betrayed by both parents, particularly if the Hermit is abusive and the Huntsman fails to intervene.
The Huntsman who marries the Borderline Hermit is ruled by his conscience, which prevents him from violating principles of loyalty and fidelity. He represses and disavows his own emotions. Thus, he does not perceive his own happiness to be important. The Huntsman fulfills his duty to his conscience. Defining his self worth in terms of the degree to which his behavior is congruent with his principles. The Huntsman is humble even if professionally successful; he does not seek adulation or fame. He gives credit to others, prefers to be anonymous, and thus feels at home with the Hermit’s need to hide. At the root of his personality is guilt.
The King:
The Borderline Queen, because of her inner emptiness and insatiable need for admiration, is most likely to marry a narcissistic King. Her mirror-hungry personality leads her on a quest for a high-profile partner whom other's envy and admire. The king and Queen's child however may feel emotionally abandoned by both parents. The king is the prototypical narcissist.
The king and Queen have a volatile relationship and their children can lose themselves in drugs or alcohol to escape the conflict at home. If the couple divorces, battles over custody issues can continue for years.
The Fisherman:
The Borderline Witch and her husband quarrel constantly, relating to one another as enemies, rather than lovers. They come together in mutual acrimony.
Men who marry Witches typically were either motherless or had very sadistic and controlling mothers. They had no healthy mothering experience against which to compare their wives egregious behavior. If they grew up with harsh discipline, they believed it was for their own good and did them no harm. These men fail to see how their children are hurt, because they failed to recognize how they were hurt as children.
The Fisherman believes mother knows best. The Fisherman's fear of his wife prevents him from protecting his children from her vindictiveness and abuse. He relinquishes his will to the Witch, functioning as an extension of her. Men who are married to Witches participate in a folie à deux (double madness), which reinforces the Witch's distorted perceptions of her children.
April 13, 2015
Wish no one needed this book but if you do, it's a good resource to help you understand your crazy childhood. Creepy-relatable and you will walk around in a daze after realizing your hell was a thing, not as much of an anomaly as you probably thought.
Want to read
February 25, 2014so far this book has captivated my interest and also made me so thoroughly frustrated, i end up throwing it on the bed after every other paragraph. i feel like i'm reading my life written in an auto biography, which is the interesting part that keeps pulling me back. but at the same time, it's so hard to see my life so raw, bare, and laid out, i find myself feeling drawn back into the hurts, anger, frustrations, confusions of my childhood. which is the throwing of book part.
i hope somewhere....this all makes since!
i hope somewhere....this all makes since!
October 22, 2015
just a brief review:
throughout this whole book, i kept having to remind myself that i've never met christine, nor did she live with me whilst i was growing up!
this book has helped me immensely; it actually made me cry tears of relief when i realised that i wasn't alone, and my therapist and i used it as a discussion point a time or two.
i highly recommend it to everyone who has the opportunity to read it!
Read
June 19, 2009I didn't read very far into this book. It brought back so many painful memories that I was unable to finish it. But I felt morea acceptance of my life with a very difficult mother.
June 11, 2024
How dare you write about me. I found myself more shocked than expected to have myself as an adult child of a borderline mother described so well.
April 18, 2010
Some mental health professionals call Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) a unique mental condition affecting 6 million+ Americans. Some view it as a subtype of PTSD. Others consider the condition and its symptoms so vague as to be diagnostically useless and suggest scrapping the term entirely. By the end of Understanding the Borderline Mother, I saw the case for all 3.
This is an emotionally difficult book for anyone dealing with a borderline mother, mother-in-law, grandmother, &c. Though Lawson provides hope for the borderline's children, she consistently insists that BPD cannot be cured, that their feelings of hopelessness, anxiety, and emptiness can never be assuaged. This makes her constant insistence that, for mother and child alike, "therapy is the only course" especially hard to swallow.
Overall, this book gives great information on BPD and those it impacts and gives excellent suggestions on how to deal with the borderline mother (all easier said than done, of course; Lawson can tell us all about how poorly the borderline mother will react to certain behaviors she advocates, but she's not the one who has to deal with them). Lawson's constant harping on the need for therapy (and I say this as someone who was helped immensely by therapy - it's not for everyone) and tedious overuse of epigrams from Alice in Wonderland, "Cinderella," "Snow White," and The Wizard of Oz bog things down, but anyone with a borderline or suspected borderline in their life should read this book, and take the time to lower the automatic defenses that will surely come up as they read it.
This is an emotionally difficult book for anyone dealing with a borderline mother, mother-in-law, grandmother, &c. Though Lawson provides hope for the borderline's children, she consistently insists that BPD cannot be cured, that their feelings of hopelessness, anxiety, and emptiness can never be assuaged. This makes her constant insistence that, for mother and child alike, "therapy is the only course" especially hard to swallow.
Overall, this book gives great information on BPD and those it impacts and gives excellent suggestions on how to deal with the borderline mother (all easier said than done, of course; Lawson can tell us all about how poorly the borderline mother will react to certain behaviors she advocates, but she's not the one who has to deal with them). Lawson's constant harping on the need for therapy (and I say this as someone who was helped immensely by therapy - it's not for everyone) and tedious overuse of epigrams from Alice in Wonderland, "Cinderella," "Snow White," and The Wizard of Oz bog things down, but anyone with a borderline or suspected borderline in their life should read this book, and take the time to lower the automatic defenses that will surely come up as they read it.
January 21, 2020
Was your childhood full of loss and/or emotional abandonment or abuse? Was your mother extremely moody, clingy, helpless, angry, unpredictable, crazy, rejecting, etc.?
If you had/have a borderline mother, she might be quoted on every page or so of this well researched book. And if you have some traits yourself, you'll find yourself saying "yikes!" more than a few times. Addressing this personality disorder and working hard at improvement is well worth the therapy hours and cost. Er, the chapter on the Witch type of borderline mother is rather disturbing, dealing with really pathologically ill mothers who abuse and sometimes kill their children. Most people could probably skip that one if out-and-out abuse and/or violence wasn't a part of their experience growing up.
If you had/have a borderline mother, she might be quoted on every page or so of this well researched book. And if you have some traits yourself, you'll find yourself saying "yikes!" more than a few times. Addressing this personality disorder and working hard at improvement is well worth the therapy hours and cost. Er, the chapter on the Witch type of borderline mother is rather disturbing, dealing with really pathologically ill mothers who abuse and sometimes kill their children. Most people could probably skip that one if out-and-out abuse and/or violence wasn't a part of their experience growing up.
March 14, 2024
DNF
This is how they author describes a child who was abused by a borderline mother:
“An x-ray of the no-good child’s self might reveal a slow-growing tumor consuming the soul. No-good children are afraid of looking at themselves, especially of looking within. They sense an internal darkness, something withered and black, foul and rotten. Whatever it is, it feels beyond their control and is too terrifying to face.”
Wow. Why does she hate abused children so much?
Well this book is a mixed bag. It has some interesting concepts but it suffers from a bad case of all theory and no data. Really, almost no data related to borderline mothers and their children. That's a odd in a book about... borderline mothers and their children.
The book relies on metaphors and archetypes (the waif, the witch, the no good child, etc) to explain BPD. While this can be useful as an introduction to a concept, this alone cannot sustain a book about a diagnosable mental illness. A metaphor is just a metaphor, it's not evidence.
In science, a framework is created in order to gather evidence to either support or negate it. A framework is not created to remain as a metaphor. But his book is basically all about metaphors and anecdotes.
This is especially dangerous when it comes to bold claims like this one:
“It is only a matter of time before the borderline’s no-good daughter becomes a borderline mother herself."
“The all-good child does not develop borderline personality disorder because only the idealized parts of the mother are projected onto this child."
These are totally black and white statements. Ironically, this kind of black and white thinking is a classic symptom of BPD. Does the author have BPD and is this corrupting the contents of the book? Is there evidence that 100% of children abused by BPD mothers develop a specific mental illness? No, of course not. Statistics on social phenomena never reach 100%.
If the author looked for real data, she would find the data do not support her extreme claims. Evidence shows that only a third of abused children become child abusers themselves (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/arti...) and furthermore children who had a close relationship to their abusive parent are more likely to become abusers than children who had a distant relationship (https://www.nytimes.com/1989/01/24/sc...) That seems to go contrary to her claim that the favored children become martyrs, and the unfavored children become evil.
There is plenty of research about BPD and child abuse, but this book cites none of it. This book relies mainly on metaphors, and occasionally it cites other pop-science books on trauma. As a reader, my takeaway is that I should read those other books instead of this one.
The author clearly has an ax to grind against abused children. It's like someone she knows was the "no good child" and her disdain for the person colors this entire book. She shouldn't have written a book on a topic that she can't be objective on.
When I got to the part about fathers who marry borderline women I stopped reading because not even the metaphors seemed similar to reality. It's like reading a map that has no correspondance to reality.
This is how they author describes a child who was abused by a borderline mother:
“An x-ray of the no-good child’s self might reveal a slow-growing tumor consuming the soul. No-good children are afraid of looking at themselves, especially of looking within. They sense an internal darkness, something withered and black, foul and rotten. Whatever it is, it feels beyond their control and is too terrifying to face.”
Wow. Why does she hate abused children so much?
Well this book is a mixed bag. It has some interesting concepts but it suffers from a bad case of all theory and no data. Really, almost no data related to borderline mothers and their children. That's a odd in a book about... borderline mothers and their children.
The book relies on metaphors and archetypes (the waif, the witch, the no good child, etc) to explain BPD. While this can be useful as an introduction to a concept, this alone cannot sustain a book about a diagnosable mental illness. A metaphor is just a metaphor, it's not evidence.
In science, a framework is created in order to gather evidence to either support or negate it. A framework is not created to remain as a metaphor. But his book is basically all about metaphors and anecdotes.
This is especially dangerous when it comes to bold claims like this one:
“It is only a matter of time before the borderline’s no-good daughter becomes a borderline mother herself."
“The all-good child does not develop borderline personality disorder because only the idealized parts of the mother are projected onto this child."
These are totally black and white statements. Ironically, this kind of black and white thinking is a classic symptom of BPD. Does the author have BPD and is this corrupting the contents of the book? Is there evidence that 100% of children abused by BPD mothers develop a specific mental illness? No, of course not. Statistics on social phenomena never reach 100%.
If the author looked for real data, she would find the data do not support her extreme claims. Evidence shows that only a third of abused children become child abusers themselves (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/arti...) and furthermore children who had a close relationship to their abusive parent are more likely to become abusers than children who had a distant relationship (https://www.nytimes.com/1989/01/24/sc...) That seems to go contrary to her claim that the favored children become martyrs, and the unfavored children become evil.
There is plenty of research about BPD and child abuse, but this book cites none of it. This book relies mainly on metaphors, and occasionally it cites other pop-science books on trauma. As a reader, my takeaway is that I should read those other books instead of this one.
The author clearly has an ax to grind against abused children. It's like someone she knows was the "no good child" and her disdain for the person colors this entire book. She shouldn't have written a book on a topic that she can't be objective on.
When I got to the part about fathers who marry borderline women I stopped reading because not even the metaphors seemed similar to reality. It's like reading a map that has no correspondance to reality.
November 11, 2021
I'll admit to not finishing this one. And I'll also admit that the reviews of this book, while almost uniformly good, put me off. That's because they all said exactly the same thing: mainly, that the author had perfectly described their own mothers. As a self-help book, the book is fine. But it's evidently not complex enough to render multiple reactions from its readers. Evidently, everyone comes out of the experience with precisely the same thoughts. That can't be a good thing, right? I do have to admit I have no background in psychology. However, the book did seem to draw heavily on misogynistic tropes. For example, one of four borderline archetypes is called "the witch." Also, the book trots out Sylvia Plath as an example of a borderline personality who did damage to everyone around her. I don't know the Plath story all that well, but that seems like a dangerous over-simplification of the writer and her mental collapse and/or relationship to those around her. The author talks about Joan Crawford too, but it's hard to argue with the portrait her daughter draws, which has already entered camp history in any case.
May 31, 2024
Ouchies!
January 15, 2026
ok on the one hand i think it is basically clinically and personally useful to understand how different behavior patterns function, as well as how to try to hold a relationship without getting sucked into someone else's overwhelming demands/ideas of you and the world, particularly when they are not well. the internal/external connections this makes towards that end were ones i found useful.
on the other hand, i think that framing these behavior patterns as "the waif," "the hermit," "the queen," and "the witch" within a narrative framing of the mother with bpd as "the make-believe mother" is not only dehumanizing but untrue and furthermore highkey sexist. she connects these back to the negative feelings driving them-- worthlessness, fear, emptiness, rage, i think-- but also like, none of these are the Only core emotion powering anyone, and in fact part of her argument is that the cruel behavior to others comes from cruel/unstable feelings about oneself, and so people who experienced severe childhood trauma and are today diagnosed with bpd due to their emotional/behavioral patterns like-- cannot in fact be hogwarts sorted but instead, like everyone, contain many things, many of them unpleasant, and furthermore which interact somewhat.
this progresses to the point where she full-on shorthands to like "the Queen must have xyz from her children" or "the Waif cannot tolerate xyz" instead of saying, for example, "a woman" or "a mother who feels fundamentally empty" or "a person struggling with x." like, i thought referring to a person as "a borderline" was already bad! and then!
the witch section also opens with three (3!!) separate stories of women killing their children, none of whom seem to have a borderline diagnosis, one of whom is medea, from medea, while also the book occasionally says "mothers with borderline do not usually physically abuse their children." okay, then what are we doing here. is this just to mirror an internal feeling of fear and helplessness? why? are the multiple overt holocaust death camp comparisons also to that end? do we think this is a functional and useful business?
also-- again-- if most people with bpd sometimes lash out when feeling rejected or triggered, perhaps we can say that directly instead of creating a whole separate rage-based category of identity that exclusively refers to women as witches?
the last thing i simply have to mention is that she loops in various historical figures that i guess we have retroactively diagnosed with bpd, several of whom were women in abusive relationships or dehumanizing situations e.g. sylvia plath or princess diana, but now of course they're The Waif, or whatever, and we are taking ted hughes's notes on their emotional issues as credible clinical material-- i guess!
all of this really begins to feel like the opposite of empathy, no matter how considered the actual advice on how to balance a healthy relationship with a suffering parent is, and these come into conflict! i read this book because i went on the subreddit for adult children of borderline mothers, for secret reasons, and everyone there was talking like they had access to some kind of bizarre astrology or meyers-briggs like "my mom (waif/queen)" and i read back and found this book and subsequently, as indicated, read it, and like--
it does, in fact, lead people to think of other people as not people, when you talk about people as waifs and witches and whatnot. that is not a constructive way of grappling with legacies of neglect and abuse, particularly when famously kids raised by parents with bpd do not grow up to be spectacularly emotionally healthy by default; many develop bpd themselves. the subreddit, incidentally, does not allow people diagnosed with borderline to join, even if their parents have bpd, too. most advice comfortably refers to no-contact as the only sustainable path forward, and the whole place teems with exhausted rage towards parents with borderline. it is very tough to have a bearable relationship with someone who is very unwell or very traumatized and takes it out of you; i am not judging from outside the box here, and one of the things i did like about the book was its ultimate focus on being loving without being complicit.
this was written in 2002, so maybe before reddit, i'm not an internet historian but i don't think serena's husband is that old, and i'm not saying we're all responsible for our most black-and-white online ripples; the nature of many online communities is to push to comfortable extremity where someone else is bad and we are good and we understand the rules and have merely to enforce them.
i am simply not sure how else "your borderline mother is a hermit witch" was ever going to go, and i am not mclovin it!!!
on the other hand, i think that framing these behavior patterns as "the waif," "the hermit," "the queen," and "the witch" within a narrative framing of the mother with bpd as "the make-believe mother" is not only dehumanizing but untrue and furthermore highkey sexist. she connects these back to the negative feelings driving them-- worthlessness, fear, emptiness, rage, i think-- but also like, none of these are the Only core emotion powering anyone, and in fact part of her argument is that the cruel behavior to others comes from cruel/unstable feelings about oneself, and so people who experienced severe childhood trauma and are today diagnosed with bpd due to their emotional/behavioral patterns like-- cannot in fact be hogwarts sorted but instead, like everyone, contain many things, many of them unpleasant, and furthermore which interact somewhat.
this progresses to the point where she full-on shorthands to like "the Queen must have xyz from her children" or "the Waif cannot tolerate xyz" instead of saying, for example, "a woman" or "a mother who feels fundamentally empty" or "a person struggling with x." like, i thought referring to a person as "a borderline" was already bad! and then!
the witch section also opens with three (3!!) separate stories of women killing their children, none of whom seem to have a borderline diagnosis, one of whom is medea, from medea, while also the book occasionally says "mothers with borderline do not usually physically abuse their children." okay, then what are we doing here. is this just to mirror an internal feeling of fear and helplessness? why? are the multiple overt holocaust death camp comparisons also to that end? do we think this is a functional and useful business?
also-- again-- if most people with bpd sometimes lash out when feeling rejected or triggered, perhaps we can say that directly instead of creating a whole separate rage-based category of identity that exclusively refers to women as witches?
the last thing i simply have to mention is that she loops in various historical figures that i guess we have retroactively diagnosed with bpd, several of whom were women in abusive relationships or dehumanizing situations e.g. sylvia plath or princess diana, but now of course they're The Waif, or whatever, and we are taking ted hughes's notes on their emotional issues as credible clinical material-- i guess!
all of this really begins to feel like the opposite of empathy, no matter how considered the actual advice on how to balance a healthy relationship with a suffering parent is, and these come into conflict! i read this book because i went on the subreddit for adult children of borderline mothers, for secret reasons, and everyone there was talking like they had access to some kind of bizarre astrology or meyers-briggs like "my mom (waif/queen)" and i read back and found this book and subsequently, as indicated, read it, and like--
it does, in fact, lead people to think of other people as not people, when you talk about people as waifs and witches and whatnot. that is not a constructive way of grappling with legacies of neglect and abuse, particularly when famously kids raised by parents with bpd do not grow up to be spectacularly emotionally healthy by default; many develop bpd themselves. the subreddit, incidentally, does not allow people diagnosed with borderline to join, even if their parents have bpd, too. most advice comfortably refers to no-contact as the only sustainable path forward, and the whole place teems with exhausted rage towards parents with borderline. it is very tough to have a bearable relationship with someone who is very unwell or very traumatized and takes it out of you; i am not judging from outside the box here, and one of the things i did like about the book was its ultimate focus on being loving without being complicit.
this was written in 2002, so maybe before reddit, i'm not an internet historian but i don't think serena's husband is that old, and i'm not saying we're all responsible for our most black-and-white online ripples; the nature of many online communities is to push to comfortable extremity where someone else is bad and we are good and we understand the rules and have merely to enforce them.
i am simply not sure how else "your borderline mother is a hermit witch" was ever going to go, and i am not mclovin it!!!
December 9, 2013
I am in the process of reading this book. I am blown away that someone has actually written about what it was like growing up with a whirlwind, violent and charismatic parent. Lawson explains what it is like to grow up with someone who cannot be counted on to be the parent, who is violent one moment and effusively affectionate the next. She explains how riding that childhood roller coaster affect children physically and mentally. It is nice to know that I am not the only one out there who has lived that life. It is almost like she was a fly on the wall during all the craziness.
November 17, 2021
I only discovered 4 days ago that my mother had BPD.
Twenty years ago a therapist friend had diagnosed her as a Narcissist.
For the second time, the universe tilts, coughs, flips and leaves me thunderstruck, shocked, out of breath... but sadly not surprised. No, to the contrary, everything falls into place.
This book (as opposed to Stop Walking On Eggshells) had my back. SWOE was all about how to go on living with a BPD person in your life, and how to ‘limit’ the abuse. It pissed me off, to be honest. The book I needed to read was this one. What are the consequences of formative years in the hands of a BPD person? How do they operate? Why do they do this or that? Why do they have no memories? To what extent do they lie? Also - what about the fathers?
I feel I now have a framework to talk about my childhood, something I don’t usually do. I feel I can speak up now, and not feel crazy or evil.
Thank you
Twenty years ago a therapist friend had diagnosed her as a Narcissist.
For the second time, the universe tilts, coughs, flips and leaves me thunderstruck, shocked, out of breath... but sadly not surprised. No, to the contrary, everything falls into place.
This book (as opposed to Stop Walking On Eggshells) had my back. SWOE was all about how to go on living with a BPD person in your life, and how to ‘limit’ the abuse. It pissed me off, to be honest. The book I needed to read was this one. What are the consequences of formative years in the hands of a BPD person? How do they operate? Why do they do this or that? Why do they have no memories? To what extent do they lie? Also - what about the fathers?
I feel I now have a framework to talk about my childhood, something I don’t usually do. I feel I can speak up now, and not feel crazy or evil.
Thank you
March 3, 2025
Out of all of the psychology and self help books I’ve read, THIS is the one that hit home the most. I highlighted nearly all of it and I felt as if it was written about my very own childhood, with the most minute details reflecting exactly the same things that I experienced to the point of where my jaw dropped multiple times during reading.
I’ve never felt so seen, heard, and validated in my childhood experiences as much as I have with this book and I encourage anyone who was raised by a borderline mother to read this. It is older with some outdated language here and there, yet it is 100% relevant and I’d recommend it a thousand times over. It’s out of print and therefore more difficult to find, with the copies available being a bit expensive, but I loved it so much I bought my own copy. It is WORTH it to have some of my sanity restored to me.
I’ve never felt so seen, heard, and validated in my childhood experiences as much as I have with this book and I encourage anyone who was raised by a borderline mother to read this. It is older with some outdated language here and there, yet it is 100% relevant and I’d recommend it a thousand times over. It’s out of print and therefore more difficult to find, with the copies available being a bit expensive, but I loved it so much I bought my own copy. It is WORTH it to have some of my sanity restored to me.
January 11, 2011
This book answered so many questions. If you have a bpd person in your life, particularly a mother or other authority figure, this will be difficult to read, but also freeing. It is NOT your fault. You CAN'T control it...and you CAN'T cure it. This explains a lot of the manipulation and games that are played, and the why they display behavior that conflicts with their apparent goal/needs. It's heartbreaking when it's someone you love...but it's the BEST book on the experience of growing up with a bpd person that I've found.
August 5, 2022
fazla spesifik bir konuya odaklanan kitapların çoğu gibi, bir süre sonra sıkıcılaşmaya başladı, kendi ürettiği kavramsal çerçevenin içinde boğuluyormuş gibi hissettim. psikoterapi literatürünün çocuğun bakımı ve kişilik gelişimi konusunda anneye aşırı bir yük yükleyip babayı dışarıda bırakan tavrını benimsemiyorum, bu kitapta da bu tavırdan kısmen rahatsız olduğumu söyleyebilirim. fakat genel olarak bakınca özellikle sınır/borderline kişilik bozukluğunu ve ilişki örüntülerini daha iyi anlamak adına iyi bir kaynak olduğunu düşünüyorum.
July 23, 2017
Not an easy book to read. I found critical validation in seeing my experiences reflected, and put into words... But also, predictably, deep and overwhelming pain - which is all the more difficult when it's a surge in deep and overwhelming pain that prompts one to read the book in the first place.
Like any pop-psych book, this one was replete with over-broad generalizations, and mixed science with speculation. It's such a trademark of the genre that it's hard to hold it against the author; hopefully we all know what we're getting into when we pick one of these up.
A major flaw in the book was, however, that while Lawson often highlighted the risk for children of BPD mothers becoming BPD themselves (obviously knowing it must make up a significant percentage of her audience), she left those of us for whom the book made that outcome seem chillingly probable in a bit of a lurch, stressing only the poor treatment outcomes, and leaving me, at least, feeling destined to this darkness...
Still, having such a bewildering and traumatic experience labelled and put into words felt relieving and necessary, making this an important book for me to have read. I guess more will be revealed...
Like any pop-psych book, this one was replete with over-broad generalizations, and mixed science with speculation. It's such a trademark of the genre that it's hard to hold it against the author; hopefully we all know what we're getting into when we pick one of these up.
A major flaw in the book was, however, that while Lawson often highlighted the risk for children of BPD mothers becoming BPD themselves (obviously knowing it must make up a significant percentage of her audience), she left those of us for whom the book made that outcome seem chillingly probable in a bit of a lurch, stressing only the poor treatment outcomes, and leaving me, at least, feeling destined to this darkness...
Still, having such a bewildering and traumatic experience labelled and put into words felt relieving and necessary, making this an important book for me to have read. I guess more will be revealed...
April 19, 2008
The dipictions of borderline mothers was so depressing that I had to stop reading the book, especially since I grew up with one. I already know how frightful they can be.
November 22, 2025
Wowza this one took me just over two years to read, but it was definitely worth the read. Put so many words to things I’ve experienced in childhood & life.
April 20, 2014
While many familial relationships are fraught with conflict, and every family is dysfunctional in some degree, most are not destructive or annihilating. This readable book addresses the extreme mothers that we have all heard of, if only in the news, but may be far more common and closer than many of us realize. This book is directed to those children and emotional orphans who have passed through such soul-crushing experiences and alludes to the many, many casualties of children sacrificed on the altar of their mother's pain.
This is a heartbreaking book in that it shows how emotional damage can be passed from generation to generation and the massive pain driving those with borderline personalities. It does not excuse them however and the first part of the book focuses on the general types and the soul-crushing fears that drive them.
The impacts and general responses of the children trapped helplessly in these situations and the damage done to their emotional development is discussed and much of the focus is on specifically addressing the psychic wounds that they carry, the guilt and anxiety and PTSD that impacts their subsequent relationships, and the difficulty in dealing with their childhood, and also their adult relationship with the borderline parent.
The book is not without hope, in that it discusses the way to establish boundaries to deal with their borderline parent and also encourages therapy as a way to help provide the support for these children as they forge new ways of seeing themselves and of separating themselves from the vortex of pain in their parent.
The book does establish that, for some children, cutting off contact may be the only way to deal with a borderline parent but even then, I think, therapy would be beneficial to help them come to terms with their experiences and develop an identity as a whole person and not the victimized, helpless and hopeless child. The book does touch on the all-good and no-good child and I suspect that how a no-good child would need to deal with their past might be quite, quite different, even with therapy.
While this book has to be recommended for anyone struggling with such experiences, it also should be required reading for any advice columnist, and for anyone who deals with children and youth. One of the things that can help a child emerge of the other side with the ability to chose life, and not the emotional destruction of their parent, are people around them who see them and validate their experiences and believe them, reminding them of their value, their goodness and the truth of their experiences.
This is a heartbreaking book in that it shows how emotional damage can be passed from generation to generation and the massive pain driving those with borderline personalities. It does not excuse them however and the first part of the book focuses on the general types and the soul-crushing fears that drive them.
The impacts and general responses of the children trapped helplessly in these situations and the damage done to their emotional development is discussed and much of the focus is on specifically addressing the psychic wounds that they carry, the guilt and anxiety and PTSD that impacts their subsequent relationships, and the difficulty in dealing with their childhood, and also their adult relationship with the borderline parent.
The book is not without hope, in that it discusses the way to establish boundaries to deal with their borderline parent and also encourages therapy as a way to help provide the support for these children as they forge new ways of seeing themselves and of separating themselves from the vortex of pain in their parent.
The book does establish that, for some children, cutting off contact may be the only way to deal with a borderline parent but even then, I think, therapy would be beneficial to help them come to terms with their experiences and develop an identity as a whole person and not the victimized, helpless and hopeless child. The book does touch on the all-good and no-good child and I suspect that how a no-good child would need to deal with their past might be quite, quite different, even with therapy.
While this book has to be recommended for anyone struggling with such experiences, it also should be required reading for any advice columnist, and for anyone who deals with children and youth. One of the things that can help a child emerge of the other side with the ability to chose life, and not the emotional destruction of their parent, are people around them who see them and validate their experiences and believe them, reminding them of their value, their goodness and the truth of their experiences.
March 20, 2018
This book is an excellent read from start to finish. If you aren't sure if your mother is a borderline personality, after reading the four most prominent "types" (which detail specific characteristics) I don't think much doubt will remain.
Using anecdotal accounts to help bring home the resonance the reader might feel for the info, the book moved along in a style that kept me wanting to learn more. I will say, though, that if you haven't learned about this before (which I had not) and you do have a borderline mother, it is challenging material. Ultimately, though, not in a bad way. My family is going thru a rough time facing the terminal illness of my sister and this book was recommended by my therapist as THE book to consult. I am so glad that I did, I cannot even with it. Yes, I got mad, but I started out mad and as I continued I felt more understanding and compassion, which is where I wanted to be.
At the final four chapters are devoted to how to heal and parent yourself and coping strategies to build or restructure a healthy relationship with the borderline mother. These are serious, detailed doable strategies which I have immediately implemented. I'm so tired of "self-help" books that prove how messed up my family is and then wind up with platitudes and a quick ending. This is not that.
I also identified my maternal grandmother at the end of the continuum of one "type" which was also a revelation. If you suspect you need this book, read it...if you aren't sure, read it. P.S. I don't like to take money out of an author's mouth...however, this is an expensive book. I was lucky my library had it. Godspeed.
Using anecdotal accounts to help bring home the resonance the reader might feel for the info, the book moved along in a style that kept me wanting to learn more. I will say, though, that if you haven't learned about this before (which I had not) and you do have a borderline mother, it is challenging material. Ultimately, though, not in a bad way. My family is going thru a rough time facing the terminal illness of my sister and this book was recommended by my therapist as THE book to consult. I am so glad that I did, I cannot even with it. Yes, I got mad, but I started out mad and as I continued I felt more understanding and compassion, which is where I wanted to be.
At the final four chapters are devoted to how to heal and parent yourself and coping strategies to build or restructure a healthy relationship with the borderline mother. These are serious, detailed doable strategies which I have immediately implemented. I'm so tired of "self-help" books that prove how messed up my family is and then wind up with platitudes and a quick ending. This is not that.
I also identified my maternal grandmother at the end of the continuum of one "type" which was also a revelation. If you suspect you need this book, read it...if you aren't sure, read it. P.S. I don't like to take money out of an author's mouth...however, this is an expensive book. I was lucky my library had it. Godspeed.
January 29, 2010
First the good things about this book: I really appreciate the amount of case study information, examples from historical figures, and correlations to real experience. This book is not esoteric or written for experts. It's written for children (primarily) of these mothers with the goal of helping gain understanding (so the title) and give some beginning skills for coping. There's also a useful section on the types of men BPD mothers are attracted to. I won't go into my personal reasons for reading this book, but I will say that so much rang true here that I will return to the book many times.
The bibliography in the back is sound and the author cites her sources, which I appreciate especially from a therapeutic book of this nature. That level of research removes the text a bit from the land of woo woo and places it in sound academic thought.
The reasons I could not give this more stars: First, Lawson is not a writer. There are no transitions from paragraph to paragraph. She's very elementary in her writing ability, and as a heavy reader and professional writer, I noticed. Aside from the readability, parts felt repetetive. Perhaps that's to reinforce the concepts or offer more examples, which isn't bad. This isn't a five, just because I reserve that for books I love or hold some special place for me. It's not a four mainly for Lawson's writing. That aside, this should be required reading for anyone in therapy who suspects their mother might be BPD or have some combination of Cluster B issues.
The bibliography in the back is sound and the author cites her sources, which I appreciate especially from a therapeutic book of this nature. That level of research removes the text a bit from the land of woo woo and places it in sound academic thought.
The reasons I could not give this more stars: First, Lawson is not a writer. There are no transitions from paragraph to paragraph. She's very elementary in her writing ability, and as a heavy reader and professional writer, I noticed. Aside from the readability, parts felt repetetive. Perhaps that's to reinforce the concepts or offer more examples, which isn't bad. This isn't a five, just because I reserve that for books I love or hold some special place for me. It's not a four mainly for Lawson's writing. That aside, this should be required reading for anyone in therapy who suspects their mother might be BPD or have some combination of Cluster B issues.
August 15, 2018
I'm 90% certain my mother has undiagnosed borderline personality disorder; this book helped me understand our relationship dynamic, particularly during my childhood and teenage years. I have always been quite puzzled by her behavior and learning about BPD in therapy and through reading is helping me understand why she acts the way she does and why I act the way I do as a result.
Highly recommended reading if you have a parent with BPD.
Highly recommended reading if you have a parent with BPD.
January 24, 2022
Age: 16+
Genre: non-fiction, self help, mental health, BPD
Content: may be triggering to those who have survived a BPD mother
Language: one or two f*** and milder cursing (used in context of patients relating their experiences)
Review: Let me start off by saying, this book is not for everyone. I recommend that you don't read this in the early stages of healing from a traumatic childhood, because it can be very triggering. I am in the mid-stages of healing from growing up with a borderline mother and I still struggled to read through certain parts of the book- at one point I almost panicked because I was convinced that I have BPD just like my mom. However, when I kept reading, I was reminded both by the book and from my therapist, that any symptoms I express are most likely due to trauma, not expressive of BPD in my own personality. Friendly reminder that if you're under 25, your brain is not finished developing and therefore a (good) professional cannot/will not diagnose you with a personality disorder before that age! But the earlier you start going to therapy, the sooner you can reverse or manage any symptoms that might become a personality disorder down the road.
Understanding the Borderline Mother was published in 2000, so not every single fact may be correct or current. When this book was written, Borderline Personality Disorder had only been around for about two decades, which isn't a very long time to study it, all things considered. So keep that in mind when reading. However, I did find a ton of helpful information in these pages. Lawson outlines four basic types of Borderline mothers: the Waif, the Hermit, the Queen, and the Witch. I won't go into major detail because you should really just read the book for yourself! But I found it very interesting how each different type of Borderline has a different world view, different core insecurity, etc. That doesn't mean your Borderline mother specifically fits into one type, though. My mother (I believe) is a broad mix of all four, though the Witch rarely comes out now that my brothers and I are grown up. Both of my brothers would probably have very different opinions on what type she is, though, since one is the no-good child and one is the all-good child. I believe I am probably a lost child, somewhere in between.
The majority of the book explains each type of Borderline from their point of view/mental state, but it also discusses the best ways adult children can set boundaries with their mother and not let her control them, yet still have a semblance of relationship with her. I found all the tips very helpful, as someone who has, up to this point, been compliant and passively enduring of her control until I can find an excuse to leave. I definitely gained perspective on more healthy ways to manage my relationship with my mom, which I will be putting into practice for sure! I love my mom, regardless of her mental illness, and knowing the constant emotional unrest she deals with, I feel sorry for her without discounting the hell she put me and my brothers through. We are also fortunate that she has mellowed out a bit now that we are grown up; I haven't had to deal with her inner Witch since I was 17. Anyway, I just wanted to say that this was a really helpful book for me. I definitely understand my mother better and understand myself much better as a result- it explained so much about who I am now. Tread carefully- it might bring up a lot of awful memories- but definitely read this.
Genre: non-fiction, self help, mental health, BPD
Content: may be triggering to those who have survived a BPD mother
Language: one or two f*** and milder cursing (used in context of patients relating their experiences)
Review: Let me start off by saying, this book is not for everyone. I recommend that you don't read this in the early stages of healing from a traumatic childhood, because it can be very triggering. I am in the mid-stages of healing from growing up with a borderline mother and I still struggled to read through certain parts of the book- at one point I almost panicked because I was convinced that I have BPD just like my mom. However, when I kept reading, I was reminded both by the book and from my therapist, that any symptoms I express are most likely due to trauma, not expressive of BPD in my own personality. Friendly reminder that if you're under 25, your brain is not finished developing and therefore a (good) professional cannot/will not diagnose you with a personality disorder before that age! But the earlier you start going to therapy, the sooner you can reverse or manage any symptoms that might become a personality disorder down the road.
Understanding the Borderline Mother was published in 2000, so not every single fact may be correct or current. When this book was written, Borderline Personality Disorder had only been around for about two decades, which isn't a very long time to study it, all things considered. So keep that in mind when reading. However, I did find a ton of helpful information in these pages. Lawson outlines four basic types of Borderline mothers: the Waif, the Hermit, the Queen, and the Witch. I won't go into major detail because you should really just read the book for yourself! But I found it very interesting how each different type of Borderline has a different world view, different core insecurity, etc. That doesn't mean your Borderline mother specifically fits into one type, though. My mother (I believe) is a broad mix of all four, though the Witch rarely comes out now that my brothers and I are grown up. Both of my brothers would probably have very different opinions on what type she is, though, since one is the no-good child and one is the all-good child. I believe I am probably a lost child, somewhere in between.
The majority of the book explains each type of Borderline from their point of view/mental state, but it also discusses the best ways adult children can set boundaries with their mother and not let her control them, yet still have a semblance of relationship with her. I found all the tips very helpful, as someone who has, up to this point, been compliant and passively enduring of her control until I can find an excuse to leave. I definitely gained perspective on more healthy ways to manage my relationship with my mom, which I will be putting into practice for sure! I love my mom, regardless of her mental illness, and knowing the constant emotional unrest she deals with, I feel sorry for her without discounting the hell she put me and my brothers through. We are also fortunate that she has mellowed out a bit now that we are grown up; I haven't had to deal with her inner Witch since I was 17. Anyway, I just wanted to say that this was a really helpful book for me. I definitely understand my mother better and understand myself much better as a result- it explained so much about who I am now. Tread carefully- it might bring up a lot of awful memories- but definitely read this.
June 7, 2023
I’ve read several books that discuss personality disorders (e.g. Borderline and Narcissism) and this is one of the best of them. Lawson provides many in-depth examples both from her clinical work and from pop culture. I really enjoyed the use of fairy tale archetypes to illustrate the different ways that BPD traits present themselves. Overall, an absolutely phenomenal, well-referenced, book that I will likely reread in the future.
August 29, 2024
A very eye opening view into what the borderline mother is like. Though it hurts to read (or rather hear, since I listened to the audiobook), it’s definitely worth the sit down to get through and to understand. Hopefully I can find a physical copy so I can annotate it and keep it close by.
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