Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know

by Barbara De Angelis

Have you ever noticed that one woman who effortlessly gets along with men without even trying? She's in a loving relationship, banters with her male colleagues and is close to her brothers. Every woman deserves to be that woman and now Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know, now available as an ebook for the first time, shows you how. Barbara is the definitive relationships guru. The author of 14 bestselling relationships titles, with fans the world over, Barbara's witty, straight-talking answers to the problems that plague relationships have transformed the lives of millions of women, and men, and inspired her readers to turn their dysfunctional relationship patterns around. Now repackaged with a beautiful new iconic cover, discover men's top twenty turn-offs, how to become a better lover without being a doormat, and close the gap between what men say and what they really mean. Readers have described Secrets as 'amazing', that it provides 'so much insight into the minds of men' and that Barbara's advice has come back to them 'time and time again'. Discover how men really feel about women, love and sex and find out for yourself why everyone loves Secrets.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Relationships, Reference, Romance, Marriage

280 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1990

About the author

Barbara De Angelis Ph.D. is one of the most influential teachers of our time in the field of relationships and personal growth. For the past twenty-five years, she has reached tens of millions of people throughout the world with her positive messages about love, happiness and the search for meaning in our lives. As a best-selling author, popular television personality and sought after motivational speaker, Barbara has been a pioneer in the field of personal transformation as one of the first people to popularize the idea of self-help in the 1980's, and as one of the first nationally recognized female motivational teachers on television.

Reviews

[Hasti Sharifi · Rating 4 out of 5]

عنوان کتاب یکم مشابه کتابای زرده که الکی ترند شدند، ولی با توجه به شناختی که از نویسنده داشتم و اینکه کتاب قبلی که از ایشون خوندم مفید و علمی نوشته شده بود ،سعی کردم عنوان کتابو نادیده بگیرم و اعتماد کنم 😁این کتاب براساس تحقیقات علمی و مصاحبه های بسیار با مردها نوشته شده و نکات قابل عرضی و مفیدی ارائه میده.

[Sheyda Mirlou]

اینجور کتاب‌ها برای دادن دیدی کلی به افراد مفیدن، اما خواننده نباید فراموش کند که وحی منزل نبوده و تک‌تک آدم‌ها با هم تفاوت‌های فراوانی دارند؛ که در تصمیم‌گیری بر مبنای این کتاب در روابطشان حتما باید این نکته را مد نظر داشت.

[Kimberly · Rating 3 out of 5]

I learned that I'm not crazy :)

[Gazelle · Rating 2 out of 5]

For such a long time I used to tease my mom about reading Barbara De Angelis self-help stuff! And for a longer time reading self-help looked like an impossible task to me ( It still does,but at least I tried!) Not only they seemed like a waste of time but I could never seen any kind of change in self help book lovers attitude and behaviors. But well guess what? A marriage counselor recently recommended me to read Secrets About Men By Barbara! C'mon! Was that a joke? Still to show that I have my mind open to different ideas and also willing to put effort on my relationship I started reading it! (Ok, I know I learned my lesson here,I should never be mean to anyone for reading a book or it gonna happen to me! ) So, as i was going through the book some stuff looked strangely familiar to me! The stories,Ideas and situations was nothing new of course,it is something that you can find in any relationship magazine and web site. But it was not only that. I read these somewhere before! After That Mars and Venus became popular everyone started to write books like this. So to see how much I really tried to help myself with these kind of books I went to check John Gray's page here on Goodreads and what I found made me unable to close my mouth for a minute : O
The amazing relationship experts where in a marriage back in 80's and they got a divorce after a while! So what can we actually learn from that? There marriage was such an awful mess that made both of them a relationship experts? They went through such a terrible times that they decided to help others all around the world to never do the same thing again? Was it about bragging to each-other who can write a book that would sell best? Well, I won't judge. Maybe I am unable to see the point of it, but what can one actually learn from two relationship advisor who could not even get along together by combining all the knowledge they seems to have on marriage and relationships? Is the answer is you can learn from their mistakes? Well in this case I would be able to learn from anyone's mistakes,we don't really need a self help book for that,or do we?

[Saeede Kermani · Rating 1 out of 5]

یکی از ضعیف‌ترین کتابای روان‌شناسی‌ای که خوندم. نویسنده اشتباه‌هایی که خودش مرتکب شده رو لیست کرده و می‌گه که شما این اشتباه‌ها رو مرتکب نشین. تو کل کتاب هم این حس رو می‌ده که زن‌ها دچار خود کم‌بینی هستن تو رابطه و زیادی از خودشون انرژی می‌ذارن ولی حقیقتن من هیچ وقت مشکلاتی که گفته بود رو تجربه نکردم و با این سیستم می‌تونم منم یه هم‌چین کتابی بنویسم و بگم که این اشتباه‌هارو انجام ندین اسمشم بذارم رازهایی درباره‌ی مردان ۲.

[Fluffy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I can't believe some of the reviews written by the members on here. Some say it sucked, they didn't like it, others say that these "tricks" don't work.

Unbelievable.

I actually read the book from front to back. I read it because I wanted to see just how "accurate" this book was from a male point of view.

Let me just say that I AGREE with the majority of what Barbara said.

These aren't "tricks".

Those of you out there who see it as "tricks" are just wasting their time.

The idea is to UNDERSTAND your partner.

Not just "trick" them.

You see the difference?

I am actually now reading "What Women Want Men to Know".

[Marwa Ayad · Rating 4 out of 5]

An excellent book about relationships, better communication between men and women and men's "secrets". Highly recommended if you want to have a better understanding of men.

[Arezu Wishka · Rating 3 out of 5]

یکی از کتاب های خوبی که برای مرتب شدن ذهنم خوندم.

[Zahra-T · Rating 3 out of 5]

خوندنش کارآمد بود و حتی ضروری،کتاب مشابهی نخوندم که بخوام باهاش مقایسه کنم ولی مطالبش برخلاف چیزی که فکر می کردم خیلی با فرهنگ ما منافات نداشت.
تمومش کردم ولی احتمالاً هرازچندگاهی دوباره بهش سر بزنم.

[Mobina · Rating 4 out of 5]

به نظرم کتاب مفید و‌خوبی در زمینه‌ی رابطه و شناخت مردان به شمار میره
حتی ارزش اینو داره که نکته های هایلایت شدش دوباره خونده بشن
این کتاب واقعا باعث شد متوجه خیلی از اشتباهاتم بشم و از خیلیاشون پیشگیری کنم البته همه موارد در مورد همه آقایون صدق نمیکنه که خود نویسنده هم این نکته رو ذکر کرده پس اگه دیدین یه مورد دو‌موردش با شخص شما تطابق نداشت دلسرد نشید که بقبه مطالب هم به درد نخوره
نظم‌کتاب و دوست داشتم قشنگ اول مشکل و‌مطرح کرده بعد گفته که چرا این مساله مشکل محسوب میشه و در آخر هم راه حل ارائه داده
خلاصه که دیدمو خیلی باز کرده درکمو بالاتر برده و کتابیه که به بقیه خانم ها هم حتماااا توصیه‌اش میکنم.

[Sharon · Rating 3 out of 5]

Yes, many of the "secrets" referred to in this book are true. My problem with this book is once more this book is calling for women to make changes to placate the differences. Are men equally trying to figure out our secrets? I don't think so, because there are plenty of women who will put up with sub-par treatment. Maybe this just reflects where I am in my life, but I am tired of having to do all of the bending and adjusting just to have a man in my life. This book just reinforces the grunting, taciturn, caveman image that really sets both women and men back and does a disservice to both sexes. It basically boils down to women having to change and not be themselves because they won't get a mate if they don't.

[Karah · Rating 5 out of 5]

So relieved that I read this book. I recognized many of my shortcomings. I realized that my idea of nurturing included mothering a man. Intellectually, I knew mothering a man would prove dissatisfying. But I hadn't recognized how to prevent myself from those actions. I don't need to be a second brain for a man. My own life is so full that he will recognize this and adapt to the fact that we help each other but we don't carry each other. All in due season, I will see how this works out.

Thank you, Dr. De Angelis!!!

[Will Byrnes · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author starts out by saying that this is not a "men are jerks" book, and although it sometimes drifts in that direction, it seemed mostly ok to me. I found a stunning number of places where I had reactions or comments. I placed a host of post-it notes throughout the book, mostly things like "my ex did this" or "Yep."

[Neda · Rating 3 out of 5]

گاهی فکر میکنم آیا میشه فرمولی برای رابطه داشتن با انسانها تعریف کرد!؟
یا باید هر انسان را در کانتکس خودش دید، حس کرد، فهمید و حتی اگر نشد دوستش داشت، بهش احترام گذاشت و با آنچه هست همدلی کرد.
راه دوم سختر اما انسانیتر و به حقیقت هر انسان نزدیکتره.

[Mina]

رازهایی درباره مردان

[Aurimas Gudas · Rating 2 out of 5]

Perskaitęs knygą supratau, kad vyrai apie vyrus žino daugiau, nei moterys.

[Atefeh · Rating 3 out of 5]

این کتاب را یک بار سال‌ها پیش نیمه کاره رها کردم. این بار هم خواندنش دو سال طول کشید!
واقعا نمی‌دانم چرا؟!
شاید از کلی گویی‌هایش خوشم نیامد.
در کل برای کسانی که اول راه رابطه با مردان هستند به نظرم چیز خوبیست و برای بقیه هم خواندنش ضرر ندارد!

[samin · Rating 4 out of 5]

برای من کتاب خوبی بود، پیشنهاد می کنم

[Noor Abu Hassan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good book,100% I recommend to read it , include alot of useful information and required an honest inside look. Really enjoyed reading it.

[Amy · Rating 2 out of 5]

Very old fashioned way of thinking NOW

[Cheryl]

I found it to be an insightful book but at a few points I was stepping back asking myself whether or not this book perpetuates the very gender stereotypes that rigidly define society. For example, because the author said so, would a woman be inclined to honor the femaleness of her man if he had qualities from her other books and didn't fit the authors well researched opinion? I'm an advocate of any book that helps us to know ourselves better and as far as that yardstick measures my feelings about this book, it was ok. Not outstanding, not entirely revealing either but it did (as with her other book for relationships) make me question the role of gender in my life. One concern I also had was the fact that as a married lesbian, I read both books and at times, found myself in possession of qualities that, if analyzed at enough length would make me male when I certainly identify as a woman in my relationship. It is this which left me wondering whether the depth of the information in this book and her other would leave a reader more confused about where they fall as gender in relationships is at a time of slight redefinition in various social institutions. Overall a decent self help read and a good get-to-know-yourself-better book.

[Scout Collins · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found this book to be a bit repetitive and outdated. As I mentioned while reading it, a lot of the behaviours women in this book 'do'/need help fixing are wounded feminine traits. I personally don't have many of those so I didn't relate the same way other women might (I acknowledge this could be because I have a stronger masculine side).

The men described in this book (hypothetically or from examples) were often extremely defensive, unable to take responsibility for themselves/their behaviour, oversensitive and quick to get angry/annoyed. I hope most men are not like this today and that things have significantly improved. Some of the dynamics the author described were quite immature and problematic (yes, they were real, I just hope we've made some progress now that it's 20-30 years later).

I also felt like the author was like "women are SOOOOOOOO different from men" when really, both genders are human beings. Men aren't aliens that are so complicated to understand. The author did mention and go in detail about real differences in terms of upbringing, communication, brain biology, etc. which was good, but at times I thought, there are good communication/behaviour standards/strategies for BOTH genders and it shouldn't be so complex. (In my opinion, for both): try to not be so defensive, and accept responsibility for your actions! Be respectful, kind and understanding! Try to understand where the other person is coming from and what's really going on underneath! Care about the other person and accommodate them! Take their issues/complaints seriously!

I don't usually complain about this unless it's excessive, but the book was repetitive at points (literally repeating the exact same things from previous chapters in the exact same words).

I did not like this book as much as other Barbara DeAngelis books (like Secrets About Life Every Woman Should Know). However, there was still some good insight and advice. The sections about men/sex, top 20 turn-offs (all made sense I think), and communication were particularly good/better.

Notes (paraphrased)
Boys vs. Girls
-Boys taught it's not manly to feel strong emotions (not just those considered 'weak' like fear or sadness, but even passion, need, or intense love).
-Only narrow range of emotions permitted: aggressiveness, competitiveness, anger... feelings associated with being in control. Sexual feelings added to list. Weakness, confusion, fear, vulnerability, tenderness and compassion are allowed only to girls/women (14).

MEN BEING WRONG
"Don't blame, don't condemn, don't name call, don't generalize, don't make value judgments on his character or abilities-simply tell him how you are feeling" (105)
Don't say: "You are bad for doing this.
Do say: "I feel sad/scared/hurt/etc. when you do this."

"Since men grow up with a lifetime of conditioning that tells them they should know all of the answers and do things right, they need lots of support and praise, not just for their accomplishments, but for simply being who they are." (106)

Common complaint from men: "my partner doesn't appreciate me enough" (106).

MEN vs. WOMEN
"Men define themselves primarily from work and their achievements; women define themselves primarily from their relationships" (120)

MAKING LOVE
Difference between having sex and making love. Sex is physical act of sharing pleasure with your partner; making love is emotional act of loving/adoring your partner. (You can have one without the other). In Barbara's study, men want more sex, women want more making love.
Women want more: cuddling, long kisses, slow foreplay, talking about feelings in bed, emotional sharing during lovemaking, romance
Men want more: spontaneity, physical passion, playful, lusty sex (140).

Men are more right-brained (visually-oriented) than women, who are more left-brained (verbally oriented). Men get turned on by what they see - e.g. boys choose porn, girls choose romance novels/erotica. (159).

COMMUNICATION SECRETS
Men communicate best when they have a focus for the conversation.
Women are too vague in requests "Let's have a talk." / "Honey, I think we should discuss our relationship"
Women are more process oriented than goal oriented.
(Two girlfriends can sit and talk with no idea of where the conversation is going or what the purpose is- they enjoy expressing themselves. Men can find this lack of structure disconcerting) (221)
Solution: Give your man an agenda when you want to have a discussion.
E.g. "Let's spend time talking tonight. We haven't had any time together since your mother visited last week. Why don't you tell me what you thought of the visit, and I'll tell you how it felt to me. That way, we will know how to handle things even better next time she comes." (222).

THE EMOTIONAL MAP
1. Anger, blame, resentment
2. Hurt, sadness, disappointment
3. Fear, worry, insecurity
4. Regret, understanding, responsibility,
5. Intention, solutions, wishes
6. Love, appreciation, forgiveness (242).

"Anger/blame/resentment are a way to protect ourselves when we feel attacked or unloved. Underneath lies hurt, sadness, and disappointment--much more vulnerable emotions. Hurt covers up the third layer of insecurity. As you move away from these intense feelings and closer to the core, you get regret, and can take responsibility for understanding the real truth of what you're experiencing. Underneath all the anger/remorse/etc. is love. The other emotions are simply reactions we go through when something interferes with our ability to feel loved or loving." (242).

POWER TIPS: WOMEN SUPPORT SYSTEM
Create a support system of women in your life. The more love and support you receive from female friends in your life, the less dependent you will be on a man to fulfill all of your needs. (276).
"Women can help each other grow in a way that no man ever can. We can feel each other's pain as if it is our own; rejoice in each other's strengths and celebrate victories as if we ourselves had achieved them. We are, after all, different facets of the same jewel, the female soul." (276)

PAGES
-p.19: how healthy are your relationships with men quiz

Not So Good
'Do you ever pout when you really need to tell a man he's acting like an asshole and you're fed up?" (69)
>>Really, you couldn't have come up with a more emotionally respectful way to phrase this? …

[About women bringing up problems late at night] "Look," Adam yells, "you're the one who ruined our evening by bringing up a problem late at night. You're so goddamn sensitive--you're always overreacting to something. If you weren't such an emotional basket case, we could have some peace around here! I don't want to listen to this crap anymore!" (109)
>> Defensive/abusive much? Jeez... is that really how men used to act about a normal conversation?


In conclusion, I would recommend, but be wary that a lot of the advice is outdated. If you are more like a 'traditional'/'old-fashioned' woman and the men you know are like traditional/old-fashioned men, I think a lot in this book would be really useful. If both of you are more balanced, it's not as relevant.

[Mohammad bandezadegan · Rating 4 out of 5]

واقعاً عالي
تجربه خوندش خيلي تجربه خوبي حداقل براي خودم به همراه داشت.
كتابهاي خانم باربارا دي انجلس ، توسط انتشارات نسل نو انديش خيلي خوب و روون ترجمه شده،
عين دفترچه راهنما اقايون براي بانوان ميمونه اين كتاب، كه هم اقا و هم خانم لازم هست كه اين كتاب و كتاب مقابلش رازهايي درباره زنان رو مطالعه بفرمايند، خيلي توي روابط تاثير مثبت ميگذارد و باعث ميشود انسان نيازهاي خود رو بهتر بشناسد و اينكه دليل بسياري از مشكلات كه در اين كتاب شرح داده شده و راه حل هاي ارايه شده نيز مفيد ميباشد.
كتاب زنان مريخي و مردان ونوسي هم كتاب خوبي ميباشد.

[Melika Khorram · Rating 4 out of 5]

این کتاب نکات مفیدی درباره ارتباط کلامی و جنسی زنان با مردان به همراه مثال های متعددی از بررسی روابط زوج های مختلف داره.
میتونم بگم بسیاری از نکاتش رو میدونستم، ولی دونستن بعضی از نکات هم واقعا ضروری بود. و فکر میکنم بیشتر خانم ها هم نکات این کتاب رو میدونن ولی عمل کردن بهشون گاهی سخت تر از دونستن شونه. نحوه عمل کردن به توصیه ها و به جا و به موقع بودنشون میتونه روابط رو تا حدی تنظیم کنه. آدم باید اول یک انتخاب درستی داشته باشه، و درکنارش یه شناختی درست و کاملی هم از جنس مخالف به دست بیاره تا بتونه تعامل بهتری با همسرش داشته باشه.

[Mostafa Rezaei · Rating 3 out of 5]

خب کمی قبل از شروع این کتاب شک داشتم که آیا کاره درستی کردم که تصمیم به خوندن این کتاب گرفتم یا نه،چراکه چندی پیش کتاب دیگر باربارا دی انجلس رو که رازهایی درباره زنان بود رو خونده بودم. ولی بعد از خوندن این کتاب از تصمیمم پشیمون نشدم چون درسته اطلاعات کسب شده از این کتاب بیشتر از کتاب دیگر نبود ولی کمتر از آن هم نبود و تونستم چیزهای بسیار جالبی از رفتار مردان و تفکر زنان درباره ان بیاموزم.
نکته ای از کتاب که به چشم آمد:
شما هرگز مجبور نیستید عشق را گدایی کنید!!!!!!!!

[Mahsan shahsavan · Rating 3 out of 5]

در مقابل آقایان میشه سه برخورد انجام داد: یا میتوان هر روز بر سر آنها غر زد و زندگی را با غرغر کردن و داد و فریاد ادامه داد و یا یک سگ گرفت و تا آخر عمر با آن سگ روزهارو سپری کرد و یا زبان آنها را یاد گرفت و با آنها با آسودگی زندگی کرد

[AH · Rating 1 out of 5]

Reading this book felt like having a marathon with articles like "10 ways to improve your sex life", "5 most important things to know while empowering the she-boss inside you" etc.
Each one of them with essays and homework attached.

[د. موضي النشمي · Rating 4 out of 5]

أدمنت القراءه للكاتبه،،، اسلوبها مشوق وممتع لا يمل،،، سهل القراءه والفهم بعيد عن الاسهاب والاطاله.... انصح به وبشده للمرأه... فعلا كتاب يكشف اسرار الرجال

[Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Review to Come!

[Isabella · Rating 3 out of 5]

57% of the book was problematic but i honestly feel like i learned a lot in a weird way?? you can tell it was written in the 20th century by all the casual misogyny tho 😭