Epilogue: A Memoir

by Anne Roiphe

From Anne Roiphe, the critically acclaimed author of Fruitful, comes the New York Times bestselling Epilogue, a beautiful memoir about death, life, and widowhood. Roiphe explores what happened when, at age 70, she lost her husband of 40 years. Moving between heartbreaking memories of her marriage and the pressing needs of a new day-to-day routine, Epilogue takes readers on her journey into the unknown world of life after love.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Grief, Audiobook, Biography Memoir, Death, Womens

224 pages, Hardcover

First published August 26, 2008

About the author

Over a four-decade career, Roiphe has proven so prolific that the critic Sally Eckhoff observed, "tracing Anne Roiphe's career often feels like following somebody through a revolving door: the requirements of keeping the pace can be trying." (Eckhoff described the writer as "a free-thinking welter of contradictions, a never-say-die feminist who's absolutely nuts about children"). Roiphe published her first novel, Digging Out, in 1967. Her second, Up The Sandbox (1970), became a national best-seller and made the author's career.

Roiphe has since published seven novels and two memoirs, while contributing essays and reviews to The New York Times, The New York Times Magazine, New York Magazine, and others. In 1993, The New York Times described her as "a writer who has never toed a party line, feminist or otherwise." Her 1996 memoir Fruitful A memoir of Modem Motherhood was nominated for the National Book Award

From 1997 to 2002, she served as a columnist for The New York Observer. Her memoir Epilogue was published in 2008, and another memoir, Art and Madness, in 2011.

Reviews

[Chrissie · Rating 4 out of 5]

A wonderful book about a difficult subject! How do you feel when your husband dies after a long happy marriage? The author is almost 70 and she had been married for almost 40 years. The book isn't about the death itself, but afterwards - how you cope with living without the other oerson. This deals with a subject that usually never appeals to me. I do not like books that deal out pat answers on how to solve problems. They couldn't possibly succeed - everyone is different. So I rarely want any advice. It is not that I have the answers, far from it, but I have to figure out myself how to deal with a "problem". So why did I pick up the book? Well, because I was drawn to the writing style. I am not even faced with this problem, being happily married and about 10 years younger than the author. Nevertheless this is something I might have to deal with some day, unless I pop off first which I probably will. BUT when my father died I watched my Mom and wondered how I could help. That was before I read the book. Honestly I don't think the book advises - not at all. What it does do is let you consider what that would be like. Rather than giving advice it poses hundreds and hundred of questions that you, the reader can ponder. So you can easily understand why I appreciated this book. When the author finaaly reaches an answer, she flips it in her head and asks - is that all total bullshit?! If you are looking for answers - don't read this book. If you want to try and understand how it may feel and want to be egged on by questions that you yourself can ponder then I highly recommend it.

There is humor on every dam page. She laughs at herself and her crazy thoughts. This lets the readers laugh at themselves too. When it gets sad, she immediately counters with humor. There is so much in this book. I think I read it too quickly. Perhaps it would have been even better had I juggled it with another book so that I could go on thinking about the questions, let them sink in so that maybe I would find my own solutions.

The author's descriptions are spot-on! She describes family and reading and eating and computer friendships and emotions and memories..... Are you filled with violent emotions or do you go numb? I think I would be numbed. That is how the author reacts. How do you make a meal - FOR ONE! Everything is hunky-dory and then her husband's handwritten recipe falls from a cookbook and the tears just flood down her cheeks. Over a recipe?!

"I cannot stop the tears.........But what can I do, they have arrived.I trust they will go. I could call a friend. I don't. These tears are not matters for a friend. Just between H and me. Whiich under the circumstances means just for me. Tears do not wash away the debris they bring any more than rain empties the sky of water. I go to my desk. 'Welcome,' says my computer. Writing stops the tears: immediately. I would never risk harm to my computer. Water might seep in and destroy a chip, an electronic pulsea necessary connection. I type dry-eyed. I have restored the levee."

This is what I mean by humor! Had I written a review as I read the book I would have quoted much, much more - the writing is excellent. I have not been disappointed. This is a five star book. A daunting subject, dealt with honestly and perceptively, interwoven with humor.

Starting the book: I am tired of being so naive, thinking every book is going to be magical and then getting disapopinted. So I am going to keep my mouth shut until the end. I will only say that this is definitely not the kind of book I usually pick, but I was impressed by the writing. Now through page 19 I confirm that the writing IS very beautiful, very expressive and poignant. This woman has something to say and she says it well. Please don't let me be sdisappointed. One short quote to give you an idea:

"I am not here if no one sees or hears me. Like the proverbial tree in the forestI neither fall nor stand unobserved. But I am observing myself and that should be enough. "

How ill one feel after 40 years of marriage and your husband dies?

[Danna · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you've passed Anne Roiphe's books on shelves at BookPeople and Borders like me (see Up the Sandbox! through Water from the Well...), you may already be familiar with descriptions of her feminist writings, which combine realism and romance. Roiphe is also a well-established memoir writer (1185 Park Avenue and Fruitful: A Real Mother) connecting with women readers for four decades. Her latest memoir, Epilogue , is true to her trademark duality, without detached factual research and fiction's artifice. This is her life, after the end of a thirty-nine year relationship - the beginning of the end as the title implies.

Epilogue conflicts with the notion of the typical feminist memoir in that it admits what many diehard feminist writers won't - that a longterm companionship with the opposite sex is not a weakness, but a strength. It relates a universal message: When we lose that closeness, that intimacy we've had for so long, we struggle, even with a network of family and friends who grieve with us. The reader is is carried along the widowed author's natural grief and recovery process - indicated by the natural phases of the moon replacing numbered chapters and parts.

Roiphe's memoir contains tersely profound prose that doesn't offer a self help cure for grief and loneliness after the death of a loved one. It isn't a golden god memoir about her life partner, an imperfect lover, husband, father, and psychoanalyst either. Epilogue is a personal account of life after a partner dies, and how we struggle for normalcy and companionship - which can often contradict the feminist notion of an independent woman. Roiphe asserts that despite our independence, we are social animals who need relationships in our lives. Not because they define who we are as women, but because we all need to connect - and thrive - as human beings.

The widowed septuagenarian author's brusque prose and lack of dialogue between the real life characters may be a turn-off to younger readers. However, older readers (over thirty) who have experienced a personal loss of someone close may appreciate and relate to the text as a cathartic testament of a writer compelled to share her story.

Overall, Anne Roiphe's Epilogue is a good read.

[Marie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Roiphe is a poetic, gifted writer. The way she describes certain situations in her life or her feelings of grief after the death of her husband are masterful. I meant to give some example quotes from the book I liked, but I forgot and put it in the "to be returned to the library" pile.

Wikipedia describes Anne Roiphe as a feminist writer. I've never read any of her books before--and in fact I think I might check out one of her novels out of curiosity. She is the mother of the very controversial Katie Roiphe.

If I hadn't read that description, I would never have labeled her as a feminist. She describes how her husband would always unlock the front door--she had never unlocked the front door until after he died! How does a woman have any independence if she never leaves her house without her husband (or if she does, he is always there to open the door for her when she returns)? She is a bit of a throw-back, if you ask me.

Roiphe enters the dating world after the death of her husband, and chronicles her adventures in this book. What I found most puzzling about her story was her apparent interest in the last man she found online. He was conservative, racist, sexist, and homophobic, yet she was strangely drawn to him. I cannot imagine ever falling in love with some diametrically opposed values to mine, to begin with. But for her to be attracted to this man, or the idea of this man, when he was sending her these soapbox e-mails about how all the world's evils were caused by the Arabs, homosexuals, and women? I cannot for the life of me begin to understand this. Finally she wised up, but it took her a heckuva long time.

So I give it three stars because of the beauty of the writing. However, as a person, I did not find her particularly appealing. She writes about her children and grandchildren as if they are very distant from her. Perhaps it's a New York WASP kind of thing to do.

She wrote eloquently about grief, but another oddity was that she celebrated many Jewish traditions (Seder, Kaddish, etc.), yet seemed to be an atheist and was absolutely positive that there was no life after death.

I'm debating about the number of stars, but I think I will leave it at three for now.

[David · Rating 3 out of 5]

memoir of bereavement after her husband died. To the extent there is humor, it comes in her recounting of online dating as a 70-year old and some of the unusual men her search reels in. Does a nice job of describing her late husband, a psychoanalyst who worked with little kids and liked to watch NY Giants football on TV.

To some extent the book is repetitive -- it's more a meditation than a factual or chronological description of the year. She certainly says she feels lonely or doesn't want to be a burden to her kids or isn't sure she'll ever find another good relationship or resents her late husband's first wife's hassling for a financial settlement many times each. I enjoyed reading it, though, mainly for (a) her honesty in examining some of her own regrets, old grudges, somewhat snobby views of people with less education or a lower SES, and especially (b) her writing itself, which I found very graceful. A couple examples:

[about not minding that a guy she dated once didn't call again:] "It is a blessing of old age not to care if someone should choose not to dance. I find to my delight that I have outgrown, or perhaps outlasted, the need for every eye to shine on me kindly."

[about no longer getting invited to social events:] "even the expensive benefit invitations with embossed fancy script, which I used to throw in the wastebasket, rarely arrive. I never properly appreciated the invitations to places I didn't want to go."

The one discordant note for me, stylistically, is that she calls everyone by initials -- my late husband H., my daughter K., my nephew P. etc. What's the point of that? She put her real name on the book, and one of her daughters is herself a famous writer, so it's not doing much for anonymity in the case of the family. Even with other people, why not just make up a regular name? would read better.

Overall, a good read -- meanders around, but there are individual memorable stories such as a sad one about her closeted gay brother who died of AIDS, and how the posthumous revelation of his secret life affected the family.

[Laurel-Rain · Rating 5 out of 5]

In the first year of her life after the death of her spouse—of almost forty years—author Anne Roiphe must face all the usual phases of loss and grieving.

As she weaves together the tale of her journey, she moves back and forth, between memory—of her husband, of their life together—and new experiences of life alone.

Old friends seem unfamiliar, in their continued state of coupledom, and new friends—men she meets online at Match.com—seem alternately odd and/or discordant in that their stories do not mesh with hers. She practices being alone—going to restaurants, movies, museums, etc.—and also just being solitary in her apartment. She looks around, studying the landscape of her new life, considering the alternatives. When she isn’t bursting into tears, or dreaming of a time long gone.

Before she is ever at ease with the empty space in her bed, she is carefully treading water…not wanting to encroach on the lives of her grown children, carefully considering those boundaries.

It is almost like beginning again in an entirely different universe, she discovers. She keeps reaching out, though, despite the disappointments, until finally, at year’s end, she comes to a place of acceptance. Almost. If she never again finds a “soul mate,” she will survive. Grief will not be her constant companion. At the end of this memoir, she states: “If the owl and the pussycat went to sea in a pea-green boat and the owl flew off, the pussycat better pick up the oars and row toward shore—she has, after all, neither wings nor gills. She must dance by herself by the light of the moon.”

From the author of “Fruitful” and “Lovingkindness,” Anne Roiphe’s “Epilogue” meaningfully explores a woman’s journey—of starting over. Of the detritus of grief and its aftermath…and the gradual picking up the pieces of a new life in a strange new universe.

[╟ ♫ Tima ♪ ╣ ♥]

I abandoned this one without really reading it. It might be the greatest memoir ever written in the history of the world but I'll never know.

It is a massive personal pet peeve of mine when authors remove names from their memoirs. Change them? By all means, go ahead! But when the book is nothing but a series of:

K said this to H and H said "aww hell no bee-otch" and L and B got into a fight over who could eat the most amount of raw bacon in under 30 seconds.

It drives me insane - just give them a new name! At least it's a little better than the authors who do the dreaded "T---- went to B--- L---- Elementary on G--- Rd in Wa-------".

Maybe. I don't know which one is worse but it definitely makes me less inclined to finish a book.

[Ann Rutkoski · Rating 5 out of 5]

The author felt like a kindred spirit to me in many ways. I felt her pain; I walked in her shoes. She has put into words the thoughts I cannot.

[Dr. Kerin Groves · Rating 5 out of 5]

This memoir of surviving widowhood is a must-read. I read it twice in a row. Just because.

[Linda Dickinson · Rating 4 out of 5]

This memoir about life for a widow after her beloved husband dies unexpectedly was tear-at-your-heartstrings relatable, candid, and insightful. I enjoyed the openness with which the author shared her thoughts and feelings. Though incredibly personal, they were also universal.

[Deirdre · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book, which I just finished in about a day. It's episodic, so it's easy to read - many brief excerpts from Roiphe's life as a new widow. The book brought to mind The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. I've always enjoyed Roiphe's other books, on feminism, marriage and being a mother.

This book was very honest, and I liked that aspect, as if she was having a conversation with the reader. She did such a good job of describing her feelings of loneliness and isolation as widow that I felt slightly claustrophobic reading the book, as if I wanted to escape her apt. and her life along with her.

I loved the honesty - yet there were times when I felt she skimmed the top of honesty as it pertained to her relationships with her husband and her children, but then didn't really dig deep enough. I guess I wanted more. I didn't come away feeling like I knew her husband or her family, but perhaps that was her intent. It felt a bit like a stream of consciousness, so there were times when I wished she'd stopped the stream and gone deeper to give us context so we could have understood what she was missing. For instance, I wish there'd been more about her husband and their marriage alongside her dates on match.com. It was hard to relate to her efforts to get out into the world of dating when I wasn't entirely familiar with whom and what she had lost. I didn't fully understand the closeness in the marriage, in the way that I felt I did with Didion's book.

Still, the dating parts were intriguing - especially the revelation that dating doesn't really change whether you're in your 30's or your 70's - if a guy doesn't call, you worry about what you did wrong no matter how old you are, and even if a guy is a freak, your imagination immediately carries you into the future, and you start thinking after one phone call, maybe I'll move to his house in Florida and we'll walk on the beach every evening. So that was fascinating. Women don't change, no matter the age.

All in all, a good read and highly recommended, especially for anyone who's experienced a loss of any kind.

[Diane · Rating 3 out of 5]

This memoir is the story of Anne Roiphe, a novelist, who at 69 years of age, lost her husband of almost 40 years rather unexpectedly. She was unprepared for life on her own, and she found it difficult to piece together the basics for a new life, as her grief at times seemed unbearable.

Several months after her husband's death, her daughters placed a personal ad in the New York Review of Books. They described their mother as a writer, and an attractive woman who loved the ocean and books. What follows are several detailed meetings with new acquaintances, often humorous to some degree, but none of these lead to a new satisfying relationship.

I expected that this book would be a story about a widow who made a new life for herself after the death of her spouse, but although parts of this memoir were very good, I did find a good portion of the book to be one big pity-party. I realize that there are various stages of grief that one must pass through, before moving on to another stage in life, however, Ms. Roiphe was just so dependent on her former husband that I got annoyed by that: she never unlocked her door before, because he always did it; she never hailed a cab alone in NYC, because he did it. It all just seemed a bit much. Despite these criticisms, I do see how this book might comfort someone who has experienced a recent loss

[Nick · Rating 3 out of 5]

Another book I just grabbed off the shelf while wandering through the library. Epilogue is about the life of a widow navigating her life and primarily looking at finding a new partner.

The books reads like a stream of consciousness which, for me, was an incredibly different style of memoir than I have read before. Due to the style, I feel like I got less out of it than if she had formatted it in the style of a typical memoir (more of writing in the past tense), but there were some perks of her writing her thoughts as they were happening. I welcomed her style of writing and i was actually able to fly through this book in three reading days because it was so easy to get wrapped up into Annes day-to-day.

Books about death always interest me particularly because the response to death varies widely between people. Throughout the book Anne discusses her late mother and the thought that Anne was the last one alive to hold any present memories of her ; it’s those thoughts that make me enjoy reading these types of books cause that really got my gears turning and , in turn, made me very sad at the thought of experiencing those same feelings myself one day.

[Catherine · Rating 3 out of 5]

The description from the inside flap of the book was a bit deceiving. It tells the reader that Roiphe loses her husband at the age of seventy and explores new love after loss. There is that element. I got the impression--mistakenly--that the book would be similar to A Round-Heeled Woman by Jane Juska, which discussed later in life dating with a lighter touch, but with some seriousness.

This book, for me, was really about the intense emotional deepening of life after the loss of a spouse. Roiphe leads her reader through the dark depths of her depression. There are passages that include her attempts at meeting men through the Internet and an ad placed by one of her daughters, but that wasn't the focus of the book. The crux of this memoir was Roiphe's discovery of a new way of life for herself after her husband's passing.

Nicely written, but perhaps due to the emotional nature of the prose, a bit scattered.

[Patricia L. · Rating 4 out of 5]

Old Men, if you have ever wondered about dating a widow here is the memoir for you. The author shares her intimate thinking so gonestly it made me blush.
"How much easier it would be if we were dogs and could smell the truth about each other and then go run in the park back and forth, jumping and tumbling in the dirt."
"A chicken can fall in love with a goat."
'Class is such a loaded word, a marxist word, a thing no decent American wants to talk about. But it is real, real like age, real like your Social Security number.'
"He is appealing like a man who has been in a terrible fight and wouldn't think of speaking of it. He is romantic-or is he evil? Is there a point at which these two qualities intersect?"

" I am a very non- new Age person. Put more correctly, I am a very old-age person."

[Randy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book really surprised me. I liked it. Couldn't put it down; and I'm still not quite sure why. Perhaps it's because I'm getting old that the long internal dialogue from a woman nearly my age, grieving over the death of her husband of forty years, contemplating loneliness and how she will spend the rest of her life, struck a chord. Or, perhaps I was fascinated with her unsuccessful search for a new partner via personal ads and Match.com whereby she has a series of email relationships and bad dates with unappealing elderly men my age and older. The dating is only a part of the story. It's more about sadness and coping and trying to rebalance herself as a solo act when she had spent so many apparently happy years as a duet. I was unfamiliar with Anne Roiphe but her writing is sharp and funny and poignant and I will no doubt dive into another of her books.

[Holly · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was disappointed - a 70-something widow writes about dealing with her husbands death and attempting to date again. The review made it sound as if most of the book would be centered around her dating life post husband's death. She made short references to the men she went out with - dull descriptions surrounding anything to do with the dates - the place, the man, her emotions.

Instead, the book centered around her pain after her husbands death. I can read about other's pain in life, but found her closed off in writing about her pain. This didn't make for a good read when she's closed off about the subject of the book. I understand that maybe she is still numb and wasn't able to capture her emotions...but she seemed to be trying to hard to reveal herself, but did not succeed.

[Natalie · Rating 2 out of 5]

She's a genuinely good writer; I can tell. I may try another one of her books. However, on this topic, I lost interest in the book in the middle. As a widow, she talks about the loss of her husband. She elaborates on how to live without him. In this she speaks about building relationships with other men. She basically feels alone and does not want to burden her children with her lonliness. I understand her feelings and the premise of the book. But... alas, I am missing the schematic background to really connect with this book. It felt like she was doing a lot of whining and repeating some of the same sentiments over and over again.

This is more a book for someone who has lived it.

[Katharine Holden · Rating 2 out of 5]

I found it a bit hard to believe that the author doesn't know how to turn the doorkey in the lock of the front door of the apartment she has owned for years. I understand that her husband did many things for her, but she never unlocked the door? There were many such moments of disbelief for me as I read this book. I wanted to like it, but felt that the author was making a concerted effort to make her readers feel sorry for her. But I didn't. The whole "I had to advertise on match.com and all I got were weirdos," was so false. I felt so sorry for the men she interviewed like they were at a job interview rather than on a first date.

[Janet · Rating 4 out of 5]

One writers passage through the grief of losing her husband of 40-odd years. After tough times of loneliness, odd internet dating and friends who dissolve away (all described in wonderful detail), she discovers that she will make it on her own. Sad but not always. Lonely but not unbearably. She recognizes that altho close companionship is often a key to happiness and comfort, being on her own is enough. We are all, after all, in this alone. You an almost feel her relief at settling in with a meal and the telly after spending too much time out in the world. Ahhhh.

[Caitlin N. · Rating 2 out of 5]

I think memoirs aren't really my thing. Or maybe it's just this one.

Maybe I like sentiment so much that Roiphe's un-sentimental frankness put me off. I don't know.

Interesting, yes. Well written, yes, though not my preferred style. Moving, yes, in a way.

It's one woman's story, and she puts it out there as much for herself, maybe more for herself, I think, than others. If it's not to my literary taste, so be it. It's a look into another person's life and mind and world.

[Aaron · Rating 3 out of 5]

Pure, excruciating old Jewish lady-widow drivel. I loved it! Still, although I cannot get enticed into this rapture, when the protagonist refuses to step off the cliff. Without the danger of failure, that the author refuses to "let go of 'H'", then it turns into a comedy of, "guess what I am not going to do next..."

This is my first experience with the author. The writing is clear, and thoughtful. I am sure the other works would be the same.

[Felicia · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not as good as Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking. A memoir about Roiphe's life after the sudden death of her husband from a massive heart attack. Some of the information that was presented bothered me, particularly the intimacy so soon after the death of her husband- even though intellectually she knew that the "relationship" was non- existent. It seemed as if Roiphe had to realize by experiencing some inadequate men that life can be lived alone after the death of a partner.

[Meredith · Rating 2 out of 5]

Sadly, this book was relatively forgettable; I probably wouldn't have finished if it wasn't so short. Although it included occasional thoughts that struck me as interesting, it didn't make me want to read her other books. Her writing came across as self-involved and insular, even for a memoir - maybe she was trying to make a point about grief, and maybe I would identify with her more strongly later in life, but it didn't go very deep for me right now.

[Shaleen · Rating 1 out of 5]

Really well written except maybe it should have been written when her bio/memoirs could name people. It was too annoying to read just first letter names everywhere, even her daughters and husband. if this story is about losing a husband, at least he could be named. It could probably be googled so it is not really a secret.

[Maggie · Rating 1 out of 5]

An easy read, but I was disappointed. This writer uses beautiful language but I just did t feel like I gained any perspective. May sound dumb but the way she used initials instead of names throughout felt as though she was purposefully holding back, and I guess I carried this to my whole opinion of the book.

[Nuha Kabbani · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lovely book and written very well. Full of sadness, self observation, remorse, and humor.
I ask myself while reading it what would I do if my husband died before me? I have been married to him for 43 years. O' God forbid my loss, but it will come one day and I am afraid of it and the cope of the days after. Please help me God, unless I leave this world first.

[Shanna · Rating 3 out of 5]

While incredibly insightful and raw, even brilliant at some points, this was one of the most depressing titles I've read in ages, and makes the author seem like perhaps not such a nice person to know.

[Jamie · Rating 5 out of 5]

A quiet, introspective book, poignant and calming. I suspect it’s not for everyone, but I felt grateful to have come upon it.

[Molly · Rating 4 out of 5]

What a beautiful book. It was like a meditation on love, on loss, on individuality.

[Ellen · Rating 4 out of 5]

A widow's journey through grief after the death of her husband of forty years. Good.