Not That Kind of Love

by Clare Wise, Greg Wise

'A remarkable account of illness, loss and the power of sibling love' The Times 'Wise's reflections on compassion fatigue are worth the price of this book alone, but what you take away is something splendid and a sibling's devotion that feels remarkably like what we mean when we talk of a stage of grace.' Telegraph 'Inspirational... profoundly uplifting' Daily Mail 'Heartbreaking and inspiring in equal measure' Express 'This is a fantastic book ... Remarkable' Lorraine Kelly _______ A moving, thought-provoking and surprisingly humorous book which is both a description of a journey to death and a celebration of the act of living. Based on Clare Wise's blog, which she started when she was first diagnosed with cancer in 2013, Not That Kind of Love charts the highs and lows of the last three years of Clare's life. The end result is not a book that fills you with despair and anguish. On the contrary, Not That Kind of Love should be read by everybody for its candour, and for its warmth and spirit. Clare is an astonishingly dynamic, witty and fun personality, and her positivity and energy exude from every page. As she becomes too weak to type, her brother - the actor Greg Wise - takes over, and the book morphs into a beautiful meditation on life, and the necessity of talking about death. As Greg Wise writes in the 'Celebrate the small things, the small moments. If you find yourself with matching socks as you leave the house in the morning, that is a cause for celebration. If the rest of the day is spent finding the cure for cancer, or brokering world peace, then that's a bonus.'

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Grief, Autobiography

314 pages, Hardcover

Published February 22, 2018

Reviews

[Stephen · Rating 4 out of 5]

memoir of the authors battle against cancer written by both the author and her brother as a daily style blog, its a mixture of sadness mixed with humour whilst battling a terrible disease with the treatments drugs and surgery. enjoyed the book as you felt you were on the journey with Clare and Greg.

[Jill Meyer · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think people could read Clare and Greg Wise's joint memoir of her death from breast cancer on a few different levels. One would be the story of a vibrant middle-age woman who survives a bout with cancer and then dies a couple of years later when the cancer returns. Another would be a view of a brother who lost his beloved only sibling and how he nursed her til the end. But it really is the story of a sister and brother so close that in illness and death, one had to lead the other to the end.

Greg Wise is a British actor and the husband of Emma Thompson. His older sister Clare - they were but 18 months apart in age - was a film executive. They lived on the same street in West Hampstead. In 2013, Clare was diagnosed with breast cancer and began an eight month program of chemo, surgery, and radiation. She began to write a blog - www.clarewise.com - chronicling her life-with-cancer. The blog was a combination of the highs and lows of her battle (though she didn't like using that word) through hair loss, pain, nausea, and the other attendant miseries. But the blog also has humor and positive moments, too. Clare Wise was a woman who in her 51 years had received the respect and love from people all over the world. Her breast cancer went into remission but came back a year or so later as bone cancer. In her last few months, Greg was her main caregiver and also took over writing her blog entries. The blog was published as "Not That Kind of Love" in 2018.

Reading the entries, first those written by Clare and then those written by Greg, remind me of losing my older sister to breast cancer nine years ago. While not as close to each other as Greg and Clare were, losing someone who had known me literally all my life was very difficult. Not much has been written about the deaths of our siblings and the effects on those who remain. Greg and Clare write about the love and deep connection they felt for each other and I found it completely believable.

[Travel Writing · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lovely and heart breaking story of a woman's experience with cancer, then its return, and her brother's love while he walked her to her death.

Interspersed with wit, a geriatric cat, a world famous sister-in-law, some international travel and friends who inexplicably can take 3 months off and fly from Australia to come care for you. (I am American. This I found utterly perplexing.)

The story is a meandering tale. Even keeled and very, very, very British. I used to tease my best friend, who is British, that I could always tell when someone was furious on a British TV show, because of the way they would firmly set their tea cup down. FIRMLY.

Clare's story, followed by Greg's is the equivalent of setting a teacup down firmly, only in grief, rather then anger.

Told first in Clare's voice from her blog, then in Greg's voice, as Clare becomes incapacitated, is a gentle and hard read of saying goodbye to a beloved life, while being firmly cared for both from the society you live in and the family you are surrounded by.

If there is such a thing as a good death, Clare Wise had one. A very good death, surrounded and supported.

Random notes that touched me:

I suspect they injected me with cleaning fluid. p.28

...I don't think my body will ever be a temple, but it might stop being a roadside truck stop. p. 29

And there are gems, there are tiny powerful moments, if we just make ourselves available to witness and mark them. They are there, every day, all around us. p. 225

We are all products of such 'accidents at birth"- to have happened to have been born where we were, when we were, parented by our parents. All just accidents.
And that is why I find it so hard to understand Nationalism, or racism- the 'fear of the other," as we are all products of incredible probabilities stacked against any of us turning up. And any of us could have been born anywhere, at any time, any color, to any couple. p.239

...there is no 'shape' to things, no agenda, no diary. p.244

'emotional housekeeping." p. 246

I realize that there is an essential simplicity needed for Clare now...The three C's: calm , consistent, cable. p.252

Working hard. Being seen to work hard and achieve, in her mind, brought approval for Clare. And now that she cannot achieve how does she get that approval?
And, of course, this search for approval by doing is just nonsense. We are loved for who we are, not what we do. ...I think is has taken this disease for her to really understand that. I hope she knows- the incredible amount of love that is all around her, both physically and in the ether via all of you is just too gargantuan to ignore. p.259

Live as honestly with yourself as possible; live to allow the moments not to go by unnoticed and uncelebrated; try to be kind both to yourself and those around you; try to find a way to love and be loved; keep asking questions; keep trying to find answers; but know when to stop. p.291

People die. The love, the joy, the order does not die. p.301

We are bits of everything. We are made from both the love that surrounds us and the love that has come before. p.308

[Theresa · Rating 3 out of 5]

My second book of the year 2019 and I read it in 3 days it was hard to put down. Simple & ordinary at the start (for me anyway as I had not followed Clare’s blog in her lifetime & it took me half the book to realise Em was Emma Thompson & Greg was her husband etc!)
My interest in hospice work & dying was what lead me here. It was worth the purchase. By the end of the book I realised the beauty I was meant to learn : the incredible act of care of the dying at home, and companionship of siblings in the English cottage with the crooked floor. Wow - what a journey of care Greg you so humbly shared & Clare prior what an ebullient & sprightly writer! Blessings to all in care of others, from Australia.

[Jood]

There seems to be a plethora of books/blogs written by people suffering from terminal illness, mainly cancer, and like the Titanic, we know how they end. That being sad there is nothing maudlin or depressing about this candid, and often funny, account of Clare Wise's illness and subsequent treatment of cancer.

This is a very readable book, which takes us through everything from diagnosis, to treatment, and the inevitable sad end. If anything it should make us appreciate what we have for however long we have it.

I received a complimentary copy from Amazon.

[Catherine · Rating 5 out of 5]

A lovely and heartbreaking story of one woman’s cancer battle, written by Clair Wise until she becomes to weak to write and her brother takes over with the entries. The love that Greg Wise has for his sister, “not that kind of love” was incredibly moving - if only everyone could have a brother who loved his sister as much as Greg. Tough to read, particularly at the end but definitely worth a read.

[Karen Morley-Chesworth · Rating 5 out of 5]

What an amazing book journaling the story one woman’s cancer journey with her brother. Adapted from her blog, this is a beautifully written work - a guide to how to live ideas.
Really recommend this book.

[Deborah Soszko · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm constantly comforted and educated when reading books that put our humanity in stark clarity. In writing about her diagnosis of cancer and subsequent treatment, I'm again in awe of our ability as humans to be so fragile and yet full of such fortitude; she shares her emotional states and physical challenges as well as detailed accounts of each treatment she receives and its side effects, mostly horrid. Clare writes with sharp honesty, British wit, and in the most vulnerable of moves, allows her dear brother to continue sharing her story when the cancer stole her ability to continue to write it herself.
Beautiful, transparent, heartfelt and heartbreaking... oh so human. Give yourself time to read this book.

[Sara · Rating 5 out of 5]

(P.290) "Live as honestly with yourself as possible; live to allow the moments not to go by unnoticed and uncelebrated; try to be kind both to yourself and those around you; try to find a way to love and be loved; keep asking questions, keep trying to find answers; but know when to stop."

[Tracey Keir · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very sad.

An honest, first hand account of cancer and it's treatments. Written by someone who obviously had a sense of humour and would have been bags of fun on a night out.

It's a horrendously unforgiving disease.

[Meg Bolderson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Utterly heartbreaking. An amazing read.

[Catriona · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a hard book to read. Clare Wise tells us in her own words of her life following her cancer diagnosis, until she can't any more, and then the thread is picked up by her brother, Greg. There is no happy ending here, there is a terrible amount of pain and suffering, but there is also love: lots and lots of love, and I think we could all learn something from Clare and Greg about what makes a life worth living.

[Annie Gilholm rowland · Rating 4 out of 5]

A (very English) sibling story full of love and compassion inside the storm that is cancer.

[Karen Keane · Rating 5 out of 5]

I must admit I started reading this book because I am a fan of Greg Wise, but wow, what a rollercoaster of a story. The story belongs to Clare, Greg's sister, who is successful in her own right behind the scenes in the film industry. Clare was diagnosed with breast cancer and she started a blog detailing her journey with cancer, the trials and tribulations, the way she writes the blog is amusing and very down to earth. When Clare became too ill to carry on with the blog, Greg took over. It is the story of an amazing and very brave woman, the support she received from her family and friends and the breathtaking and emotional love between a brother and a sister. A brilliant read.

[Ariane · Rating 5 out of 5]

Extraordinary

[Gail · Rating 5 out of 5]

A tough read as my sister also passed away from metastatic breast cancer. It’s just the book she would have written and I hope I’d could have finished as well as Greg did for Clare.

[Ance · Rating 4 out of 5]

daunting hilarious biographical story about... cancer. previously I have been watching “funny” stories in TV about cancer e.g. series The Big C where such a brilliant actress Laura Linney plays suburban mother facing cancer diagnosis. so what’s common in these both? finding humor & happiness. Clare Wise, author of this book, very precisely tells that “Why Me?” stage isn’t desirable. so you have cancer. so what? life goes on. you have to make most of it. & it doesn’t mean you have to jump off the helicopter or skydive. hands off best story so far about breast cancer. living honestly WITH YOURSELF as possible. making fun of yourself. making fun also about radiology (loved the part about radiotherapy & Star Wars comparison). make fun about painkillers. cannot recommend this book highly enough. but don’t get me wrong. cancer is a process similar going through hell. a non-stop nausea, fatigue form/process.

“I know I have banged on about this before but I am not sure why side effects are so-called. Radiaton burns your skin and your cells (..).”

shout-out to Clare’s brother for putting together almost half a book to represent Clare’s last months of her life with the same humour & joy as she could wanted...

“Live as honestly with yourself as possible; live to allow the moments not to go by unnoticed and uncelebrated; try to be kind both to yourself and those around you; try to find a way to love and be loved; keep asking questions, keep trying to find answers; but know when to stop.”

[Graham · Rating 4 out of 5]

A touching account of cancer, treatment and, finally, terminal illness. This book came about originally as a series of blog posts, written by Clare Wise and subsequently by her brother Greg (an actor) after she became too ill to continue. As another reviewer has mentioned, it's very British: a lot of stiff upper lipped behaviour, denial, hope and fighting back, lots of fighting back. A huge sense of humour on the author's part counts for a lot although it's all very middle class: complaining about being broke and then jetting off constantly to the Cote d'Azur, Jamaica, Mauritius, etc. and tales of hobnobbing with Tom Hanks and 'Leonardo'. The descriptions of treatment are agonising but levelled with more of the author's trademark humour so surprisingly fun to read about. In the latter stages the story gets a lot darker and touching when Greg comes into it. As someone who's gone through similar care procedures looking after my wife, I found it very relatable.

[John Naylor · Rating 5 out of 5]

This started out as a series of blog posts by Clare Wise in May 2013. Her brother, Greg, continued these from July 2016 until the November of that year. A lot happened in between.

Clare's words are at times some of the most honest and raw accounts of someone undergoing cancer treatments that I have read. You can feel the frustration, laugh along at times and develop a near permanent lump in your throat at what she endured during both stages of treatment.
Greg's words showed how hard it is to be a carer of someone who is terminally ill. From the treatments to the logistics of allowing someone any freedom within their illness.
They complemented each other as more than brother and sister.

A moving tribute to Clare and a book that might help those who are struggling with a cancer diagnosis either of their own or of a loved one. It was not that kind of love that Clare ever had. The book showed she had many other kinds of love from many sources.

[Georgie Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

I didn’t know how to put my feelings about this book into words at first - maybe because I’ve read it while grieving myself.

Clare’s part of the story is deeply touching. Her instinct to look for solutions, to find the bright side, to keep going with hope and practicality even in the hardest moments, is heartwarming. There’s something very human in the need to be doing something, to make things better somehow, when so much is out of your control. I really hope that writing the blogs gave both her and Greg some respite and some space to breathe during the experience.

I felt Greg’s experience of caring, the weight of responsibility, the quiet desperation to do the very best for someone very deeply. That constant emotional vigilance, the love tangled with fear, exhaustion, guilt, tenderness…

But this book isn’t heavy. It’s a lot about love. It’s funny, heartbreaking, warm and unexpectedly comforting. There were moments I laughed out loud and moments that made me sob.

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book despite the sadness that was inevitable at the end. Everybody is touched by cancer in one way or another, I think you’d find it difficult to meet somebody that hadn’t been. But this portrayal of it wasn’t one of self-pity or ‘fighting the battle’. It was a story of the love one woman had for her life, her friends and her family and subsequently the love her family and friends had for her. It was filled with dark humour, self-deprecation, an aged and grumpy cat and love. That was what struck me throughout as a main theme - love.

Cancer is something that has affected my family recently and I was hesitant to read this to begin with. But I’m so glad I did. It has helped me come to terms with my own grief more and has shown that despite no longer physically being here, those we love will always be here as long as we are here to remember them.

[Katrina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Clare Wise is the sister of the actor Greg Wise, and I wish I’d known her, she comes across as funny, charming, interesting and loving. This book is a collection of her blog posts documenting her breast cancer. And yet it isn’t a depressing read for the most part. Until the cancer returns in her bones. The last third of the book is written by Greg, who becomes her full-time career in the last months of her life. What a wonderful brother-sister relationship they have. My abiding memory of this book will not be of the tragedy of a woman who died aged 51 but of the incredible sibling love. Clare inspired incredible devotion from her family and friends, despite never having ‘that kind of love’. I feel enriched by having read this.

[Michele · Rating 5 out of 5]

First I must thank Clare and Greg Wise for sharing what was the most personal of journeys. I'm not sure I would be so generous, tending to hold my most personal moments as just that and as such not for common consumption.
However, if it wasn't for people such as these we maybe wouldn't get an opportunity to consider our own lives and more importantly our ending.
Initially the book did read very much as an unedited diary but as time moved on the voice became more assured. Remarkable really given the circumstances under which it was written.

[Sarah Rayner · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such an amazing book to read. The story of the relationship between a brother and sister when the sister was diagnosed with cancer firstly breast cancer and then when it returned incurable. So well written and plenty of frank descriptions of Clare’s suffering and treatment. All credit to them both Clare for starting her blog in the beginning and Greg for continuing it all the way through to the end

[Sara Elouafiq · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is a beautifully crafted collection of blog posts by Clare and her brother, chronicling her journey as a cancer patient. It’s a rare blend of wit and heartbreak that made me laugh out loud and sob uncontrollably at the same time. The book offers insights into the daily life and inner thoughts of someone facing cancer, stripping away the usual pity and need to see patients as heroic or inspirational figures.

What struck me most was the heartwarming love and support Clare received from those around her, and the deeply touching bond she shared with her brother. The final two blog posts were especially poignant and bittersweet, leaving me utterly speechless.

[Giu Giu · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was really challenging. Clare has something to teach us here. We should think about life as something precious and live it with joy. It amused me as she could be so brave and try to keep going everyday. She went through so much but she didn't loose the smile. And thank you to her brother to keep posting updates about her!

[Elaine Archibald · Rating 5 out of 5]

Honest,real insight into cancer.

A very real and honest journey with cancer. Having only been on the carer side it was really interesting to get the perspective from the person actually going through out.

[colette o'hagan-ellis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful

As a 'terminal' this book hurt my heart. Clare was obviously loved by everyone but especially such sweet and genuine love from her brother. What a loss for her family and friends

[Gary Allen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow wow wow! What an incredibly heartfelt and upbeat book despite the subject matter. One of the best book I’ve read. Will be listening it again! If you liked this book then also read Little Big Things, Man’s Search for Meaning and The Little Prince.

[Heidi · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very honest and moving book. As a breast cancer survivor it brought a lot of memories back to me, and as a carer for my mum I found that part a tough read as it flooded me with memories. Thank you Clare and Greg x