Staying: A Memoir

by Jessie Cole

As children, Jessie Cole and her brother Jake ran wild, free to roam their rainforest home as they pleased. They had each other, parents who adored them, and two mysterious, beautiful, clever half-sisters, Billie and Zoe, who came to visit every holidays. But when Jessie was on the cusp of adolescence, tragedy struck, and her happy, loving family fell apart. This beautifully written, heartbreaking memoir asks what happens to those who are left behind when someone takes their own life. It’s about the importance of home, family and forgiveness—and finding peace in a place where we’ve suffered pain.

‘Graceful, revealing, pitch perfect. Cole is an author who pays sharp attention to the world around her.’ Australian on 'Deeper Water'

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Biography, Australia, Mental Health, Biography Memoir, Autobiography

288 pages, Paperback

Published May 1, 2018

About the author

Jessie Cole is a writer. Her first novel, Darkness on the Edge of Town, was shortlisted for the 2013 ALS Gold Medal and longlisted for the Dobbie Literary Award. Her second novel, Deeper Water, was released in 2014 to critical acclaim. Staying, a memoir, was longlisted for the 2019 Colin Roderick Award and shortlisted for the Victorian Premier’s Literary Award for Non-Fiction. Her latest memoir, Desire, A Reckoning, was released in 2022. She lives in northern New South Wales.

Reviews

[Michael Livingston · Rating 4 out of 5]

I tore through this in a day - it's a beautiful and utterly heart-breaking memoir about loss, family, grief and (eventually) recovery. Cole is a gorgeous writer and rakes over the incredibly difficult family life she's had in way that doesn't feel self-indulgent or unnecessary - it's powerful and revelatory in parts. Definitely one to read, but not if you're already feeling down - it's pretty grim.

[Robert Lukins · Rating 5 out of 5]

So beautiful and difficult and moving; a real achievement.

[Judith · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's rare I read a book in a single sitting these days, but once I started Staying, I kept reading right through to the end. (Well, technically two sittings, with a drive home from the cafe where I started it over lunch in between.) I spent a bit of time on the far north coast in the 90s, so the setting of Jessie Cole's memoir was very familiar to me. For years, as a younger person, I had romantic fantasies of living some kind of vague and unspecific alternative lifestyle up that way, with a bathroom open to the bush, casual dinner parties lasting ling into the small hours, friends' naked kids running around... I even gave it a go for just under a year, but ended up living alone in the north coast version of suburbia in much the way I'd been doing in Sydney before my ill-fated attempt at a tree change... as they say, you can take the girl out of...

Staying reveals what I discovered during my time flirting with hippiedom and observing the heightened lives many lived during the dying years of the 20th century in that part of the world: that not even the best intentions of shaking off the shackles of conventionality can in the end compensate for the sorrow and tragedy that life almost inevitably throws your way, and sometimes, the illusion of agency that can come with the "alternative lifestyle" can make things that much worse.

This is not meant i m the slightest way to be a criticism of anyone in Cole's deeply moving memoir. I know other peoples' experiences of life away from the rat race varies enormously from my brief dalliance, and people in the cities and suburbs absolutely have the same issues with fractured mental health, trauma and grief. Nevertheless, I found so much that was deeply familiar to me; I could smell the earth of Coles' hinterland forest home, and I know the beaches she retreats to with her sons at the end of the story very well. And I recognise the grief. I've never lost anyone close to me to suicide, or even in particularly tragic circumstances, but I have known inexplicable loss and hurt, of love and trust, and ultimately of people, to betrayal and death, and I found myself weeping with heart-deep recognition at much of what Cole describes about her own experiences, and that of her remaining family. It gave me much to think about, not least of all is how much I have actually faced up to my own experiences of grief: lost loves, lost friendships, lost hopes. And it is a timely reminder, given some of my current thinking for my PhD work, that trauma is that which is unspeakable, and healing is impossible until one is heard.

Cole considers the importance of finding a narrative for one's experiences, and contemplates how writing helped her heal. Reading can also help in this way, I believe, and I thank her for her great gift in sharing her story, even with or perhaps because of, its unanswered questions.

Highly recommended, but with a content warning for people affected by suicide and the emotional damage resulting from trauma and mental health concerns.

[Text Publishing]

‘A wounded, lovely, luminous book about grief, trauma and the strange healing potential of words.’
Tim Winton

‘An honest, raw and well-crafted memoir about a family torn apart.’
AU Review

‘Cole paints such an authentic picture of her grieving family I wanted to read more about the years that followed, which shows her great achievement in Staying.’
Good Reading

‘I have read many memoirs this year, but none as scrupulously honest as this one…The sensitivity and brilliance of Cole's writing meant I was drawn into her world and was able to share her anguish...I am pleased Cole was talented enough, and brave enough, to share her words, providing insight into a subject that will doubtless touch many readers.’
Otago Daily Times

‘A delicate, difficult portrait of a family suffering delicate, difficult circumstances.’
Adelaide Review

‘This is a book buoyant with a love for family and the natural world. Its pages are filled with light: the vividness of the living being who wants to live. What cannot be separated from these transports of contentment, though, is an irrefutable darkness...It is a ­literary achievement, but always a human story. Its message is that life has a tenacious power to draw us out of states of bereavement that, if surrendered to, have the capacity to destroy us ­entirely.’
Australian

‘Heartbreaking…a truly beautiful book.’
New Zealand Women’s Weekly

‘Staying isn’t just a tale of paradise lost – it’s about the birth of an artist in the midst of trauma, crafted with the eye and prose of a novelist. It’s also a hymn to a landscape, and to the immense difficulty in deciding simply to stay.’
Adelaide Advertiser

‘Staying is a heartbreaking testament to the despair, helplessness and guilt of those left behind.’
Australian Financial Review

‘A stunningly written piece of work…Honest, open and raw.’
1 Girl 2 Many Books

‘Staying is rich and complex – and often surprisingly funny given its dark subject matter. Above all, this memoir is a meditation on what it means to be traumatised by loss, and ultimately to be healed by life.’
Sydney Morning Herald

‘[Cole] writes beautifully about the unravelling of this existence...This is a tender book about family, loss and trauma, and it deserves a wide readership despite its heavy themes.’
Readings

‘This memoir absolutely sparkles, and reminded me how powerful and moving books can be.’ Mark Rubbo, Readings

'When Australia’s cultural narratives insist an artist must leave home to succeed, Cole shows one forged by staying put...It’s surprising that, in the midst of such sorrow, what resounds is a sensation of fecundity. But perhaps it’s not, from a writer of such talent and grace.'
Saturday Paper

‘This touching memoir from Australian author Jessie Cole, whose childhood was irrevocably changed when her sister committed suicide, offers a rare personal take on unthinkable tragedy.’
Elle

‘Staying aches and pulses with life…Cole is a writer of immense talent.’
Anna Krien

‘A work of shining brilliance.’
Romy Ash

‘Staying is a well-written, extremely moving memoir that steers resolutely clear of stereotypes and self-pity…For all the darkness, there is light too. Cole is a gifted writer with a sensual turn of phrase, and her exploration of the reverberating effects of suicide is both illuminating and absorbing. It will appeal to readers who loved her previous novels.’
Books+Publishing

[dangerous at every speed · Rating 5 out of 5]

The writing in this book is astonishing - it is so emotional yet not sentimental - as the re-telling of her childhood & adolescence read like fiction. The story flowed so utterly fluidly, everything felt visceral and real and yet personal and certainly from Cole's own perspective.
Cole employed universal themes, but the minutiae in combination is really what made this book special - and, really, it's beyond special.
Cole lays everything bare and available for consumption, and it's so impressive. The ability to succinctly, yet detailed and eruditely transcribe ones thoughts, let alone ones experiences, leaves a select few - Cole is one.
She orientates the story in a particular way, and that atmosphere carries through the entire piece, without spoiling it - in fact, I think it's the best way of gaining empathy and attention from readers. This book captured my attention so intensely that I read it within a matter of hours.

[Calzean · Rating 3 out of 5]

The first third of the book covers the childhood of the author. She lived with her brother and parents on a fertile property with her semi-hippie non-conforming parents. Her two older step-sisters would visit during holidays. Life was fairly idyllic, clothing optional, rules minimal. Then a tragic suicide.
At that point the book stepped up, taking an emotion edge as the author tries to deal with the loss and her family's reaction. Not an easy read for a while until the author gets into her early 20s and finds her talent as a writer and mother.

[Jenny · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of the best memoirs I have ever read. Although the emotions and topics of this book are rarely discussed or explored, Jessie Cole did so in a gentle and comforting way, given that she was discussing herself and her family.
Death of a loved one is difficult in any circumstancrs, and grief is its own particular struggle. Jessie Cole, in my eyes, is so brave to talk on the topic of suicide, especially as it is so personal for her.


Jessie Cole I salute you, and I wish you well in your continued journey.

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

I eagerly await everything Jessie Cole publishes, so I bought Staying: A Memoir as soon as it hit the shelves. It might be my favourite of Jessie's books. Intelligent, lyrical and deeply insightful, Staying tells the story of Jessie's childhood, the tragedies that struck her family, and their aftermath. Jessie writes with love and compassion, and there's a sense of an honest struggle to make meaning of what has happened. Her delight in the natural world adds an extra dimension to the writing. I read this book in one sitting, not an easy read, but a deeply pleasurable experience.

[Giselle A Nguyen · Rating 5 out of 5]

An incredibly generous memoir that illuminates the difficulty and strange contradictions of grief, loss and survival. Cole’s prose is lovely and affecting, and I felt like I was with her throughout the whole journey. Highly recommend.

[Lisa Walker · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a beautiful book this is. Only a writer as skilled and insightful as Jessie Cole could turn such a tragic story into this shining gem. Life affirming and drenched in the healing power of nature.

[Catherine Davison · Rating 5 out of 5]

Giving stars to a text like this somehow feels wrong; this is a memoir and Cole has ‘slowly and tentatively shared’ not only words with us her readers but she has laid bare, shared, the depth of her family’s grief. She has done this not in a ‘look at me, feel sorry for me’ way, not at all. She is a writer of considerable talent and has written a poignant, powerful and most beautiful elegy for her sister and her father. It’s a wonderful piece of writing.

[Louise · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautifully written, moving memoir of grief and trauma.

[Olwen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such an important book that speaks so lovingly of the human condition in the face of loss. Don't miss an opportunity to read it.

[Ronnie · Rating 4 out of 5]

A beautifully-written memoir, filled with equal parts loss, grief, love and redemption.

[Bree T · Rating 5 out of 5]

It feels like a very long time since I was introduced to Jessie Cole’s work and in some ways, it is. I first read something by her in 2012 and was blown away by the imagery in her writing. Her first two books, Darkness On The Edge of Town and Deeper Water are incredible but it’s been a little while so I was very pleased when I read that there was something new coming. Different to her other books, Staying is a memoir of her childhood.

Jessie and her younger brother Jake had quite a free-range upbringing on her parent’s property in northern New South Wales which was basically part rainforest. That forest was their playground and they spent their days exploring it, playing in the river and observing the range of wildlife that populated it. Clothing was optional and Jessie has fond memories of the social gatherings that went long into the night. During the school holidays, her father’s daughters from his first marriage would come to stay. They were older, more glamorous it seemed from their Sydney lives and the family of four would become a family of six.

This book reads somewhat like a fictional story, two children in this beautiful, ideal, hippy-ish sort of setting, running wild in the sunshine. If it wasn’t for that first few pages, which ominously warns the reader of the darkness to come, I’d imagine no one would suspect the turn this story would take.

This is a stunningly written piece of work. It’s such a vivid picture that it wasn’t hard for me to imagine the sort of property that Jessie and her family lived on. I grew up in an area just a little south of where Jessie did, with a similar landscape (although mine was less rural). But because of that, I can connect to this setting, I know the types of trees, the wildlife. The weather and the lack of any real winters but still with those crisp mornings where the grass crunches under your feet. And the beach is always never too far away, white sand and an unpredictable Pacific Ocean. The rain – at times, the seemingly endless rain. And even though quite frankly there are parts of the wildlife that scare me silly (mostly spiders, cockroaches, etc) you can’t help but want this sort of life. At least, the idyllic picture of it.

But this story is about much more than those early years. It’s about those that are left behind after a tragedy – a tragedy that had no warning, no reason, that was impossible to understand. It affected the entire Cole family deeply, in a myriad of ways that changed the entire dynamics of their family. This is an emotional story (I keep using story, but that’s not exactly the right word because this is actual true, this is all something that happened to someone in real life), it cannot help but be an emotional story because it’s about grief and loss and loneliness, heartwrenching events. But even though there is so much of that sadness, it doesn’t take over the book to the point where it becomes saturated or overwhelming. It is honest, open and raw and yes, there is great sadness. But it’s somewhat balanced out by love, strength, a quest for understanding. It’s a whole picture, ugliness, lack of answers and all. Nothing is sugar coated, not the grief, not the portrayal of what it does to some family members, not the examining by others of their own actions. I found one part really interesting after the second of the two tragic events – several of the characters have conversations with each other where they talk about interactions or moments just before or leading up to that second tragedy and each of them remember it differently, their own contributions dominating and not really having any memory of what others have contributed. It seems that guilt is a powerful force, raising its head and having them each pondering blame or contribution – their own, not that of others. We all think we could probably do something to prevent such tragedies in the aftermath. But the reality is different.

This is a powerful, beautiful story about life in all it’s ups and downs. The writing is so phenomenal – I’ve always struggled to describe Jessie Cole’s fictional writing in a way that does it justice and it seems that I’m having the same issue with the writing in her memoir. It has such depth and character, sympathy and reflection as well as capturing the highs of an innocent childhood and the grief of both suddenly and slowly losing people who mean the most. I feel like I ran the gauntlet of emotions just reading this but I was never not thinking about what it must have been like to experience it first hand. It’s so incredible that Jessie Cole has been able to write about this. It’s so sensitively handled, very personal of course but without judgement.

***A copy of this book was provided by the publisher for the purpose of an honest review***

[Lyndal Phillips · Rating 5 out of 5]

Heart smashing memoir. Comforting and uncomfortable all at once. Loved this book.

[Bradley McCann · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautifully sweet; hauntingly sad; and ultimately, rejuvenating. Jessie's work is so deeply authentic. Her honesty while taking the reader deep into her interior life is profoundly moving and holds immense power for healing and catharsis.

[Steve Castley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Jessie Cole has crafted a magnificent and heart-felt memoir. It is beautiful, sad, tragic, but also uplifting. She has a great way with words and the reader gets to see everything up close and through her eyes. Read it. You'll love it too.

[Chris Waterford · Rating 5 out of 5]

Another great read from Jessie Cole---but this memoir is her best---superbly written, brutally honest and heartfelt, she paints pictures that are as vivid as being at the movies. A wonderfully gifted writer at the peak of her form---and still (hopefully) in the early stages of her writing life.

[Sally Piper · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautiful unravelling of grief, guilt and reconciliation and how the landscapes we know and love can be salve and saviour.

[Heather Taylor-Johnson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Jessie Cole’s mastery of memoir lies in her ability to describe something so heavy as the damage caused by surviving family suicide – twice over – with a mix of carefree nostalgia. Set in a natural, lush, dripping hinterland where gardens and swimming holes are daily playgrounds, Cole’s childhood is enviable. Her family is open and loving and the house they share is busy and full. The players in Staying (mother, father, younger brother and two older half-sisters) are so completely drawn they feel familiar, and not only in their complexity but also in their simplicity. We see quite clearly why child-Jessie loves her sister and father – the two family members at the centre of this tragic narrative – and also why she looks up to them, is exasperated by them, wants to be like them, and fears them. The pathos does outweigh the joy, of course, but the two work together in a most remarkable way. In reading Staying, I was incredibly taken in by emotion; I wallowed in it for the four days it took me to devour this book.

[Lesley Moseley · Rating 4 out of 5]

3 1/2 rounded up due to the gentle way this sensitive subject and very personal account was handled.

Having had a different but similar experiences, many feelings resonated. One major difference between us was Jessie talks about her sister and fathers suicides as a loss of trust. I always felt anger; took me years to realise I had to accept their choices and developed the mantra : Her life, her death, her choice. The loss of my poor father was lost in that rage-pool.

Grief-time as Jessie coins it, is unexplainable to the fortunate who have never experienced it. She felt shame, I just felt fury.

NLP and writing my books were my path to the reduction of the 'just move forward' advice, that however well-meaning, only added to my pain.

[Reannon Bowen · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars for such a honestly written book. What this book did for me was reinforce something I learnt from Any Ordinary Day- that we have to accompany people through the hard stuff the same as we do through the good stuff.

[Monique Farrell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best memoir I’ve read. Beautifully written ❣️

[Carmen Watts · Rating 4 out of 5]

Realised a few pages in I’ve read this before but I loved it so kept going. Beautiful writing and what I’d give to live in a house like that.

[Jules · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a beautiful memoir, with perfect pacing and luminous prose. What stood out to me the most was the lack of anger: such tenderness and compassion on every page.

[Richard · Rating 5 out of 5]

A mesmerising memoir. Jessie's story is so reminiscent of decades past but with themes which are relevant to any time or place. So engaging, and heart rending at times, and so beautifully written. The 4 (otherwise busy) days in which I managed to read this book is an indication of its "unputdownableness". Very highly recommend. Thankyou Jessie Cole for sharing your story. 🙏🌈

[Brian · Rating 5 out of 5]

Interesting memoir on how a teenagers girl suicide affected the family and eventually, after many years struggling with what happen and depression, her dad ended up also committing suicide.
Sad but also educational.

[Kim · Rating 5 out of 5]

I heard Jessie being interviewed on the radio and had to read her memoir. Jessie shares the highs and lows of her very unconventional childhood growing up in a rainforest in remote New South Wales. Heart wrenching, beautiful and thought provoking.

[Kate Harrison · Rating 5 out of 5]

Heartbreakingly beautiful. I read it over two days, hardly able to put it down but needing small breaks to really take in the story and process the grief experienced by the author and her loved ones.