Now I Can See the Moon—A Story of a Social Panic, False Memories, and a Life Cut Short

by Alice Tallmadge

A memoir of the mind-boggling social panic that swept the country in the 1980s and 1990s, resulting in dozens of daycare workers being accused or convicted of heinous sex crimes involving children—despite a consistent lack of evidence supporting the charges. Women began recalling episodes of ritual abuse by members of satanic cults, and diagnoses of multiple personality disorder spiked. In trying to understand the suicide of her twenty-three year-old niece, the author discovers that what she thought was an isolated tragedy was, in face, part of a much larger social phenomenon that sucked in individuals from all walks of life—with devastating consequences.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Biography Memoir

257 pages, Paperback

First published April 24, 2018

Reviews

[Debra · Rating 5 out of 5]

A tender, poignant memoir that nearly breaks your heart--and yet there's so much love and hope in it, that I couldn't stop turning the page. Very well researched and beautifully written.

[Cheryl · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have read several books on the topic of eating disorders and multiple personality disorder but Alice Tallmadge really get me a deep look into just really how these disorders affect someone. Alice shared passages from her niece's journal. It just broke my heart reading Michelle's thoughts. It was as if I could hear her voice calling out through a thick cloud of fog. Understanding the trauma that Michelle endured as a young girl did paint a picture into how she developed both a eating disorder and multiple personality disorder.

I have heard of satanic cults and heard a little of what types of rituals are conducted. However, like Alice, I don't know much on the subject. Also, I never would have imagined that these types of cults could happen in daycares. The innocence of children lost forever by people of power. Sadly, Michelle's parents and Alice tried everything they could to help Michelle but her demons took over and won in the end. While, this is a really good book, it is hard at times to read and digest what I was reading. Yet, don't let this factor deter you from picking up this book as it does deserve a look.

[Jay · Rating 4 out of 5]

Charlie [from the show it's always sunny] expressing my utter disgust for "rape culture", the satanic panic, and Qanon: Okay, first of all. There are people out there who ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN MOLESTED. And you guys are gonna EXPLOIT THAT FOR YOUR OWN PERSONAL GAIN?!
I usually don't read any books in September or October. Except for rare occasions. I read one or two books a month, so I decide to take September, October, and December as my hiatus from reading. After all, I begin my Halloween/Christmas marathon in those months. Although in recent years, last 5 years I've started my Halloween marathon earlier and earlier. First I began just in October, then I began in the middle of September, then early September, now I do it in the middle of August. This year I began my horror movie/Halloween marathon on August 18th.
I was not planning on reading this until next year, 2022. It is also not my only satanic panic book I've recently purchased and saving for next year. I got 2 more satanic panic books to read next year...probably. I've read 4 other satanic panic books previously. I've also watched several documentaries, podcasts, etc. I've researched the satanic panic extensively. All of it's connections. It is one of my all time favorite topics. I LOVE to learn about the satanic panic.
Eventually I decided to read Now I can see the moon [spontangously] out of boredom and to try and get back into the Halloween spirit and the satanic panic is very Halloween. In fact there is a very anti Halloween theme among believers in the satanic panic. Part of the whole "Halloween is satan's birthday" type sentiments.
I decided to buy Now I can see the moon just out of boredom and because it sounded like it would be a good read and add to my historical perspective on the panic. I also just stumbled upon it, wasn't going to buy it but eventually decided to put it on my list and finally bought it within the year.
There have been many many examples of Michelle's story. What happened to her is so incredibly typical and the paranoia is incredibly typical. At one point the author describes Mary [the mother] taking her daughter [Michelle] on a drive around town and ask Michelle "does that house look familiar? Does this building look familiar? Are they part of the cult?" and Michelle would just randomly pick out houses. EXACTLY what happened in Mcmartin, where a father took his son around town and his kid just pointed to random houses. In another case, the North Carolina case you had a mother driving and walking around town with her son and some random man bumped into her. The mother made some mean comment about the man being rude and bumping into her and her son said "That man hurt me too." By the way, this mother ADMITTED in a documentary that she had badgered her son, even began shaking him and saying "YOU TELL ME WHO HURT YOU!" and one of the mothers who realized what was happening, laughing at how ridiculous it was admitted what the parents were doing to their children. She said one mother refused to give her child dessert unless she said she was abused by one of the teachers, after weeks, months of saying the accused did nothing to her. This skeptical mother who had the realization of being caught in a witch hunt admitted how the rumors spread. Which most of the parents of all of these cases STILL deny. The mother said it spread from parent to parent. Basically they played the game known as Telephone "oh my child said this about your child." "oh, well my child said this about your child" so they were constantly feeding and spreading the poison to each other...meanwhile publicly they'd ask "where did our children learn this stuff? A child doesn't know anything about this." they were correct....THEY LEARNED FROM YOU! "Did he put his penis into your mouth" and after nonstop BADGERING the kid to make them stop would say "yes, happy?!" and the parents and therapist would cheer "YA! THEY SAID IT! oh my god! How would a child know about ORAL SEX?!" In the Mcmartin case, perfect example. A paranoid schizophrenic mother accused the Mcmartins of abusing her son. So the cops sent a letter asking every single parent who's child went to Mcmartin to question their child NOT about abuse. Let me emphasis that again, NOT about abuse, but to ask them EXPLICITLY about "oral sex, fondling, and sodomy." WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?! YOUR NOT SUPPOSE TO GIVE THEM DETAILS!!!!! That's as stupid as telling public important secret information ONLY THE KILLER would know. They keep that sh*t secret to make sure they get a true accurate confession! You know what else was on that list? The police list also said "We think they might also be tying up children with rope." Interesting, so very interesting because the "therapist" who got the children to make false confessions and traumatized children with false memories. In one of the taped interviews one of the kids said "I heard they were TYING UP KIDS." and the "therapist" who had NO QUALIFICATIONS at all, instead of asking "who TOLD YOU THAT?!" or to explain "we want to know what YOU know, not what you've heard" instead she asked "well how where they tying up kids?" and made the kid pretend to tie a stuffed animal to a chair. Which makes NO SENSE AT ALL. He said he HEARD about it, he didn't witness it. But I ask you.....the kid said "I heard they tying up kids." GEE, I wonder where he heard that from?! I think it's pretty f**king obvious!!!! He heard it from his parents and probably other children who were also questioned. In another case the kid was asked years later "how did you know the details?" and the accuser who is now an adult said "what do you mean?! The cops were at my house, talking to me and my parents and they TOLD ME EVERYTHING. THEY TOLD ME EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED." so he made the same identical claims as the other kids. But still all of these parents REFUSE to admit what they did.
As the defense lawyer in the Carolina case said "If you believed and prosecuted every person that these children claimed had abused them. You would of had over 30 defendants out of the town of Edenton who committed some form of abuse against these children and somewhere somebody drew a line and said 'WE BELIEVE WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT THESE 7. WE DON'T BELIEVE IT ABOUT EVERYBODY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE LINE' and all I can say about those people on the other side of the line is that they are mighty fortunate BECAUSE IT COULD OF JUST AS EASILY BEEN THEM as it was these 7." Same thing with many other cases, such as the Mcmartian trial....why wasn't Chuck Norris arrested?! And in that Carolina case, they arrested a local video store owner who was never ever told anything about his charges. Basically they made him rot in prison for like 6 years, then when the case was exposed for the total fraud that it was they made him plead "no contest." I love his interview while in prison before taking the plea "I didn't do anything. I've never been in the place [where some of the crimes allegedly happened], again I keep telling people that and they are like 'I'm shocked' and I'm like 'Ya, I'm like shocked too.' if they have evidence I want to know know what it is. They didn't have any evidence at Bob Kelly's trial now did they?" and at the Bob Kelly trial.......HILARIOUS and pathetic. The juries who thought he was guilty from day one bullied the rest of the jury into voting guilty. Two juries said they were under so much pressure and were so bullied they felt a huge pain in their chest. One of them said "I knew I was havin a dang heart attack, so I voted guilty just to get out of there...but I don't think justice was served on that. I really don't" and he also said during the trial to those who wanted to convict on day one "I said 'you haven't proved a thing to me. I said - 'Look, your dealing with a man's life. You've got to have some proof! And still same way, same way." Another member of the jury who felt pressure in her heart said to them "What did you learn or what you hear that I didn't hear?!" and another said "it was like everything I thought had happened was the EXACT OPPOSITE to what the other jurors thought." This juror admitted a lot of things. How one of the jurors admitted to being molested when he was a kid; LYING during jury selection. He was asked if he had been abused as a child and he said "no" but once in the jury admitted he was. Another juror admitted he went to the town and lake where the crimes were allegedly committed despite the lawyer overruling it and telling them they couldn't go. They were told to not use "outside information" yet someone brought in the magazine "The little red book" and they read an article about pedophiles and used that to try and argue Bob was a pedophile. As the journalist/documentarian said after hearing all of this replied "They were not honest." and the honest rational juror who KNEW the jury had been completely contaminated and were dishonest replied back "Ya, it was not honest. It was contaminated. Was not fair. Didn't follow the judge's direction. Um....Hey, I'm guilty too. Hey, I can say I was honest when being picked for jury. I was very honest in not being prejudiced. Not being contaminated. I sat and listened to everything and I was very honest until I was influenced [bullied] that my vote be guilty. I was very honest up till that point and hey...I'm human." Oh and I got to love the "shooting babies in outer space on a spaceship" and the "shark catching machine" in a heavily populated lake. As the female juror who voted guilty due to a heart attack said "How did they do it?!" "No body saw ANYTHING?" Which was a constant theme through out the panic where it would of been impossible to ritually abuse 30 or 40 kids for years, in groups and not leave a SHRED of evidence or a single witness. "they sacrificed rabbits at Saint Cross church." "At Harry's market." they went to the church and Harry's market. No evidence, no way they could of broken in. No way they could of done it in secret. Nothing. "They took us to Palm springs" nothing. No witnesses, no planes, nothing. Let alone all the other absurd outlandish claims "they caught sharks and released them in the lake and they used salt to dump into the water to turn it into salt water for the sharks to live in and they invented it and I dove into the water and saved one of the other victims. I'm a hero!" Which reminds me of a case in another moral panic, the creepy clown panic which took place around the same time. One of the cases, the kid claimed he was confronted at school by a clown with a sword and an uzi and he kicked the clowns ass. The police and the parents took this serious, but eventually the kid admitted he was making it up. Oh and by the way, one of the boys in the Mcmartin case, the oldest boy who was old enough to not be brainwashed later admitted he was knowingly lying. He admitted he would lay in his bed at night and try and think "what outlandish claim can I come up with next?" so he just went on the witness stand and made up sh*t for pure shock value. That is just some of the absurd blood boiling antics that went on in these panics.

Now would you kindly continue reading my review in the comment section?

[Nancy Chadwick · Rating 5 out of 5]

Tallmadge delivers a superb balance between reportage and reflective memoir as she weaves the tragedy of her niece's death and mental illness with the understanding of a social panic. The reader will find herself agreeing with her when she says, "I didn't expect to find so many intertwining threads or such a mind-boggling tangle of cultural causes and effects." The backstory provided in this memoir drives Tallmadge's writing home as she restates words by memoirist Sallie Tisdale, "The memoirist's only job is to write his or her own truth. And that, Tallmadge did.

[Amy E. · Rating 4 out of 5]

Powerful. Heartbreaking as it delves so personally into a young woman’s struggle with depression, eating disorder- serious mental illness, and the issue of recovered memories and Satanic abuse. It shows the pain of a patient and her family, and the confusion and frustration of trying to understand why. It explores the possibility of this confusion and want of explanation that may leave a patient and family vulnerable to the suggestion of recovered memories and ritual abuse, which ironically may leave a patient feeling even more powerless.
Rugs at the heartstrings, but also has documented research. Author also seems to be careful and sensitive to those that believe in the widespread ritual abuse although she explains her doubt of it’s veracity through her research.
Personally, although I had heard of the multiple personalities and widespread ritual abuse in a college psychology class in the early nineties, I hadn’t realized how widespread it was and how much of the public cases had been debunked. I always thought that while there was probably some truth to it, that the teacher was more extreme. This book supports my view of this, but also powerfully brings the human story into it.

[Micah Unice · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a compassionate memoir. The moral panic over satanic ritual abuse was a big part of my own childhood. My parents subscribed to it as reality, as did everyone in my Mormon community. I knew and interacted with people like Michelle (though maybe not anyone at such a pathological level). It was a very real threat in our household--as menacing as LSD-laced candy and homosexual recruiters. I guess that's why the topic fascinates me so much now. It was extreme and absurd to the point of slapstick. I can't believe these ideas were entertained by anyone, let alone the secular psychiatric community.

Tallmadge approaches the story with empathy. She has much cause for rage. She could use this book to condemn some of the key players--especially Michelle's mother--but she chooses to mine their motives and provide as much context for their choices as she can. Her love for Michelle obviously hasn't dimmed over the last three decades. It's not a document so much as a farewell to someone she cherished fiercely but couldn't protect.

[Sandra Greene · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was beautifully written. I came upon it by chance. I was a childhood friend of Michelle’s and was thinking about her a few weeks ago. I wanted to read her obituary and thought maybe I could find it online. When I googled her name I found an interview for a podcast by Alice Tallmadge. She told about the story and the book. I bought it and was stunned when I saw the cover photo. She looked exactly like this when I knew her. I admired Michelle. She was witty and smart. I’ve always been haunted by the memory of a strange encounter we had with some older boys one summer day. I didn’t understand it at the time, but I think I do now. Michelle was one of the kinder people I knew at a difficult and awkward time of my life. I’ve never forgotten her for that. Thank you Alice for bringing her life to so many, and for never forgetting.

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

A beautiful book that captures the process and healing of a woman who lost her niece to a mental health crisis worsened by those trying to help. I learned a lot about the Satanic Ritual Abuse epidemic that infected our nation in the eighties, and finally found answers to situations I had run into over the last couple of decades. I had a roommate who suffered from it and a friend that still suffers from MPD (or I guess it's now DID) as a result of it. The book really got me reflecting and wondering about all aspects of memory and mental health. I appreciated the journalistic presentation of facts, as well as the more nuanced and gently handled personal details.

[Maggi Andersen · Rating 1 out of 5]

I did not enjoy this book. Tallmadge calls it a memoir, but her personal story seems out of place and disjointed. Her "research" is very one-sided, and she passes judgement on everyone she meets, even going so far as to likening political views antithetical to her own as being indicative of mental illness. Her opinionated tone comes off very high-and-mighty, despite the fact that by her own admissions, she never really had her own life together, up into her fifties. Tallmadge took what was a very tragic and heartbreaking event and soured every moment.

[A · Rating 3 out of 5]

Overall, not a bad book. Fairly interesting and dealt with a subject I haven't been exposed to before outside of brief mentions in relation to D&D.

However, I didn't necessarily like how it was written. It seemed to be unsure whether it wanted to be a memoir about the authors life or a story about the relationship between an an aunt and her niece with the backdrop of a social crisis. It had a lot of detail about the authors personal life, separate from her relationship with her niece, that felt distracting and in my opinion didn't add anything to the discussion.

[Patty Ramirez · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was well-researched and also very personal for the author. I was very invested in it and gave me a lot of insight on social panic (something I had no real knowledge of before picking up this book). It did get a little tedious for me at the end, but it tends to happen to me with memoirs that are heavy on research. Overall, a great read. Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for providing me with a free copy of this book.

[Charlene · Rating 4 out of 5]

Alice Tallmadge has written an important book. Ritual Abuse Panic swept up the USA and Canada during the 1980's and early 1990's. Accounts of the panic appear in the newspapers and public print media but here Tallmadge offers a first-hand story not only of the social impact but how this phenomena affected her family. Tallmadge's ability as a writer keeps the book from reeling in bias and instead offers a balanced, painstakingly truthful and detail researched rendition. An interesting read.

[Sally Schoolmaster · Rating 5 out of 5]

With precision and tenderness, Tallmadge tells the story of her niece's descent into mental illness - a battle she ultimately loses. We also follow Tallmadge's life through this time period, gaining a picture of what she learns along the way. This is a highly compelling memoir, steeped in heartache and honest self-awareness.

[Jeff · Rating 4 out of 5]

This exceptional book weaves a journalist's exploration of a devastating social panic, relating to widespread belief in satanic ritual abuse, with a heartbreakingly personal account of a loved one's plunge into mental illness and anguish. I am grateful and proud to call the author a personal friend. My recommendation of her book would be no less enthusiastic if we had never met.

[Susan · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was interesting, but I wish there’d been more meaty stuff about the SRA epidemic and less focus on the author’s experience. While the latter is important too, I would’ve liked to have more substance to the discussion of the “social panic” itself.

[Cathryn Stephens · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was immediately drawn to the range of difficult issues covered In this book. Alice Tallmadge uses her personal experience and professional journalistic skill to weave an intriguing and fact-finding story. It struck me as so similar to the experience I had as a cub reporter in southern and eastern Idaho as this now-recognized social panic of satanic ritual abuse was ramping up to near hysteria. This book, while terribly sad, brought new perspective to me about those years covering this phenomenon as both a journalist and an outsider.

[Christopher Krutell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well written and emotionally engaged.

Vivid ,powerful, painful depiction of a mental descent and trying to figure out how and why did it happen to her

[Angelic Rodgers · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent work here--well-researched and very touching.

[Rebecca Hanson · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was well researched and written, but it was a tough read because of the subject matter.

[Tori Heroux · Rating 3 out of 5]

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I appreciated reading a personal telling of the tragic tale of Michelle. Having said that, because Tallmadge also took on the reporting of the satanic panic (in a somewhat unevenly paced way), I wish she'd been more analytical about the nuance in the subject matter. Instead, she just sort of indicates how controversial and difficult the conversation is several times and how much she didn't want to talk about it.

We can hold in our minds that 1) we should believe those who come forward with accusations of sexual abuse later in life, and 2) that there are practitioners who took advantage of children and adults and warped their stories to reflect their own twisted imaginations, further damaging their psyches. It does not follow that any and all recovered memories should be viewed skeptically. Tallmadge doesn't even comment on one judge's '90s ruling that dissociation from trauma isn't scientifically proven, and I think that's rather irresponsible.

Having said that, I think this is a thorny topic and I was glad to read a book about it at all, especially from someone who shared a close bond with someone who suffered so much. But I expect a little more if you're willing to take this topic on. Especially something published in 2018.