Myth of Self-esteem: How Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy Can Change Your Life Forever

by Albert Ellis

What exactly is self-esteem? Most people, as well as many psychologists and educators, believe we need it, that it's good for our emotional well-being, and that it makes us more successful. World-renowned psychologist Albert Ellis says no, it's all a myth. According to Ellis, self-esteem is probably the greatest emotional disturbance known to humans. Self-esteem results in each of us praising ourselves when what we do is approved by others. But we also damn ourselves when we don't do well enough and others disapprove of us. What we need more than self-esteem, Ellis maintains, is self-acceptance! In The Myth of Self-Esteem, Ellis provides a lively and insightful explanation of self-esteem and self-acceptance, examining the thinking of great religious teachers, philosophers, and psychologists, including Lao Tsu, Jesus, Spinoza, Nietzsche, Kierkegaard, Buber, Heidegger, Sartre, Tillich, DT Suzuki, the Dalai Lama, Carl Rogers, and Nathaniel Branden, among others. He then provides exercises for training oneself to change self-defeating habits to the healthy, positive approach of self-acceptance. These include specific thinking techniques as well as emotive and behavioural exercises. He concludes by stressing that unconditional self-acceptance is the basis for establishing healthy relationships with others, along with unconditional other-acceptance and a total philosophy of life anchored in unconditional life-acceptance.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Philosophy, Nonfiction, Personal Development, Audiobook, Social

344 pages, Paperback

First published October 3, 2005

About the author

Albert Ellis was an American psychologist who in 1955 developed Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). He held M.A. and Ph.D. degrees in clinical psychology from Columbia University and American Board of Professional Psychology (ABPP). He also founded and was the President of the New York City-based Albert Ellis Institute for decades.
He is generally considered to be one of the originators of the cognitive revolutionary paradigm shift in psychotherapy and the founder of cognitive-behavioral therapies. Based on a 1982 professional survey of USA and Canadian psychologists, he was considered as the second most influential psychotherapist in history (Carl Rogers ranked first in the survey; Sigmund Freud was ranked third).

Reviews

[Magdelanye · Rating 4 out of 5]

Albert Ellis is a man unafraid of contradictions.

The cover of this book gives an indication a soft,plain background (creamy white framed by lemon yellow) with the title at the top in black boldface and the authors name in standout green,at twice the size,taking up almost the whole bottom half and the most prominent words on the page. Not exactly a modest gesture from a man who,over his long career,emphasized the dangers of ego enhancement.

And so it is a slight surprise to be given the usual landmark credentials,the lists of titles and honours etc,all the authors deeds in fact,which are referred to throughout his text,which is drenched in the ego of this man who,amiable and earnest as he may appear,seems desperate to set the record straight concerning rational emotive behavior therapy,and his important role as its founder.If,as claimed in chapter 5,REBT Diminishes Much of the Human Ego, it is not obvious.

Much of the book is given to a succinct analysis of most of the major philosophical and psychological works of all time and how they live up to(or not)his REBT standards."Spinoza obviously saw the practical advantages of unconditional other-acceptance. Just as I saw them 3 centuries later!" he practically gloats on p119.Jesus,however is conditional in his love,and he lists what he finds to be "contradictory teachings."Tibetan Buddhism gets a good rating,but he can't help but add "doesn't meditation consume considerable time that could better be spent in other pursuits?Where is the evidence that that much steady meditation is worth it?" For a man who taught people to refrain from rating themselves and others,he certainly has a field day cutting others down to size.

Never mind.It makes lively reading.And AE really has given something valuable to the world with his notion of self-acceptance being integral to mental health. His dragon is value-judgements,of which perfectionism is one of the most insidious, and he is quick to demolish any notion that these are at all useful in navigating the adverseries a person generally encounters during the course of a lifetime. Self-esteem,he argues, is always conditional,based on shifting values, some accomplishment or competition,and therefore fragile.Moreover,when we judge our self-worth by our actions,than we are prone to anxiety and self-defeating attitudes that will in fact undermine our mental health and general functioning.We are not what we do,is one of the cornerstone philosophies. Therefore,we may prefer approval but never need to rely on the judgements of others for our feelings of self worth. Self-acceptance, other-acceptance, and life-acceptance all flow from the relaxation of expectations this brings about.

It all seems very laid back,but the heart of the message is steel. "Anyone can change his disturbed feelings to healthy ones if he only changes his irrational musts and shoulds into realistic preferences" he claims on p272 If only!

When a client complains of inability to make such conceptual leaps,REBT counters "You damned well can!Anyone can change his feelings. Because you create them yourself,you always can choose to change them. Now do it!You can!"May I suggest that if it were really that easy, the client would not be stuck.It may very well be true that "people largely construct their own emotional disturbances and dysfunctioning" p258 but the inability to see that is what brings people into conflict,and therapy.

One of the strangest aspects of REBT are the exercises recommended counter feelings of of shyness or shame which can be so crippling. It is quite amusing to imagine following some of these directions, which include deliberatly being annoying in a crowded vehicle or accosting strangers with bizarre lies.

I may have my apprehensions regarding the methods that REBT uses,but after reading the appendixes on "Showing People that They Are Not Worthless Individuals" and "Intellectual Fascism" I am more inclined to wish that such efforts really were easily applicable.In my experience,though,people are usually more committed to denying and defending their delusions than handing them over.REBT depends on an incredable committment from clients. "steady work and practice is usually required to change destructive tendencies....REBT stresses insight,reasoning,and logic..." p265 and hopes to apply these skills to people whose behavior may well be unreasonable and even irrational.
It promotes unconditional acceptance but holds very definate ideas regarding the possible benefits of change. Seems rather crazy,doesn't it?

[Tiffany · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Self-esteem is the greatest sickness known to man or woman because it's conditional."--Albert Ellis, Ph.D., the most famous and influential living psychologist in the world, Psychology Today, February, 2001, page 72, in the interview, "The Prince of Reason," with the famous psychologist Robert Epstein, Ph.D.

I love Albert Ellis. He's such a no nonsense straight to it therapist and a gifted teacher. REBT (Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, have I mentioned how much I dislike acronyms and how I've realized I throw them out somewhat obnoxiously) was developed by Ellis in the 1950s. He went on to write books and teach countless practitioners about REBT.
Ellis is easy to read and understand and so many of his books could be read on a self help level. This book could be off putting to some as the first few chapters are very technical and not as personable. I suggest reading Chapter 4 first then starting over from the beginning. I thought about spending some time discussing REBT but I could go on all night so I'll let you explore for yourself.

I'm curious if Brene Brown read some Ellis when researching her books. His discussion on shame is very similar to the things she talks about. Great stuff.

[Ben Sutter · Rating 4 out of 5]

A 5-star philosophy, presented in a really important way by comparing the similarities and differences with other philosophies. It is an ambitious book and I am glad it was written. I recommend this book to anyone and everyone.

However, as a warning, the 2005 edition that I read was very sloppily written in parts - paragraphs that don't make a lot of sense, passages that seem to be stream of consciousness musings, sections that don't bear much of a relation to the chapter or sub-chapter headings. The analysis of some philosophies seem rushed and overly brief in places - which will provide opportunities for apologists to discredit this work.

Overall it reads as a first draft of a great book. Unfortunately there will be no second draft from the now late author. But Albert in his championing of imperfectionism, has shown us how to deliver an imperfectly written book that, despite its shortcomings, still hammers home a powerful message, pointing us towards peace, acceptance and happiness Read it!

[Mohammad · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read this book after finishing Nathaniel Branden's "The Six Pillars of Self-esteem" based on an advice from a friend. I think this really useful to get a different perspective. I enjoyed the six pillars and at the same time this book was a great addition and an eye-opener.

I still believe that both men define "self-esteem" differently but maybe I am mistake.

Albert Ellis advocates 3 basic principles using the techniques of REBT. So mainly 3 principles by 3 means. (1) Unconditional self-acceptance, (2) unconditional other-acceptance, and (3) unconditional life-acceptance, through (1) cognitive, (2) emotional, and (3) behavioural techniques.

It was a useful read, although I felt there is a lot of repetition and overlap between the different chapters.

Thanks my friend Nasser Alzerwi.

[Brent · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fascinating book that may discourage readers from continuing after its early, very technical chapters. The concepts of Unconditional Self Acceptance, Unconditiinal Acceptance of Others, and Unconditiinal Life Acceptance seem only subtlety removed from Self Esteem, yet those subtleties are important ones. Stick with this difficult book, written by an atheist, to reveal his theoretical aporoach to a mentally healthy life. Don't miss the moral of this story by becoming overly concerned with his biased and poorly interpreted views on the teachings of Solomon, Christ or others. He has something important to say, which I found highly applicable.

[Jonathan Karmel · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is about promoting the idea of unconditional self-acceptance (USA). I thought the tone of it was a little like a jingoist chanting “USA! USA! USA!” after the US bombed one its enemies. Could it really be true that if you adopt one simple idea it will “change your life forever”?

USA is contrasted with conditional self-acceptance (CSA). CSA provides you with “self-esteem” because you have behaved intelligently, correctly or competently. USA means that you fully and unconditionally accept yourself whether or not you behaved intelligently, correctly or competently and whether or not other people or God approve, respect or love you.

You have intrinsic value, which means that you have value to yourself. You unconditionally love yourself. To be good to yourself, have your own definition of yourself within yourself, rather than caring about your extrinsic value to others. Be your sincere, authentic self.

Here are the ABCs of rational emotive behavior therapy (REBT). If you seek self-esteem from your accomplishments, you may fall into the following trap. Some Adversity or Activating event (A) leads you to believe (B) that A has the Consequence (C) of making you worried, anxious, depressed, guilty or angry. For example, the adversity is that your boss gave you a bad evaluation, and you have a rational Belief (B) that the consequence is that you might get laid off. Therefore, you are worried, anxious, depressed, guilty and angry. Your feelings, however, are based on the irrational Belief (B) that getting laid off is awful because it means that you have less value as a human being. With USA, you don’t conflate your performance with yourself, and you continue to accept yourself and your situation regardless of your performance.

Most people’s egos are far too large. The “legitimate” aspects of your ego are that you exist, you will be alive for about 80 years and your existence is separate from the existence of other people. You have some unique traits, some of your traits are consistent over time, you are conscious and can be self-conscious and you can to some extent predict and plan for your future and bring about changes in your life. You can remember and learn from your experiences, you can discover things that you like and to some extent do things that you enjoy. You can choose to act as a short-range hedonist or as a long-range hedonist.

You can choose to see yourself as having worth or value for pragmatic reasons—because you will then tend to act in your own interests, to go for pleasures rather than pain, to survive better and to feel good. You can choose to accept yourself unconditionally—whether or not you do well or get approved by others. You can rate your traits, deeds, acts and performances—for the purposes of surviving and enjoying your life more and not for the purposes of proving yourself or showing that you are better person. You can refuse to rate your “self.”

The “illegitimate” aspects of ego are that you are special in the sense of being better than other people, that you deserve more than other people, that some force in the universe cares about you, that it matters whether others approve of you, that you must survive and be happy, that you must succeed or that you must achieve goodness to obtain eternal life. It is illegitimate to believe that good character makes you a good person, that you must prove your worth by being competent or that you must get the things you want.

Some advantages of CSA are more planning and preparation, more control over your life, possibly better physical health and more purposeful activity, achieving more goals in your education, relationships and work, and doing more good deeds.

Some disadvantages of CSA are that you will feel bad whenever you are unable to do the things you think you should do. You will feel bad about all the ways you are “below average.” You are seeking approval or status instead of joy. You are phony instead of being your authentic self. You focus on your failings, which are negative thoughts. You suffer from the anxiety of constantly worrying about doing what you should be doing. You are trying to do what you “should” be doing, instead of what you want to do. You are seeking goals rather than being creative. You are proving yourself rather than finding yourself. You are prejudiced against people that you perceive as having worse character than yourself. You are pessimistic and experience stress, aggression and substance abuse. Rather than feeling okay, you fluctuate between feelings of grandiosity and worthlessness. You feel enraged because other people are not doing what they should be doing according to you.

In addition to USA, this book also promotes unconditional other acceptance (UOA). You are part of a community, and you live within a family, school, work environment, neighborhood or other social arrangements. You should unconditionally accept others for exactly the same reasons that you should unconditionally accept yourself. You are a social creature and will benefit from the goodwill and cooperation of others.

It is normal to feel existential anxiety. The author of this book is an atheist and believes that belief in God is an irrational, magical solution. A better solution was advocated by St. Francis, Paul Tillich, Reinhold Niebuhr and others: USA. REBT has much in common with the Stoic philosophy of Epictetus, as well as the philosophy of Buddhism.

I thought this book was interesting, but I didn’t exactly understand why Ellis believed USA and certain other beliefs were mutually exclusive. It seems like you can have both USA and CSA and believe that God loves you and strive to have good character and have self-esteem. Isn’t it possible to reap the benefits of “ego” and “self-esteem,” but to also have an attitude of acceptance of yourself and your situation even when you don’t accomplish whatever it is you are trying to accomplish?

It seems ironic that Ellis was a highly accomplished workaholic. Wouldn’t a true-believer in USA spend less time working and more time just hanging-out and enjoying life? Anyway, Ellis was a very influential thinker, and I thought this book was interesting.

[Evelyn Marinoff · Rating 4 out of 5]

When we hear the words “self-esteem” and “book” in one sentence, we usually think about the self-help section at the bookstore. This is not one of “those” books, however. In fact, it can be best described as a non-random walk throughout history. In a rather unorthodox way, Albert Ellis examines the great minds of mankind—Nathaniel Branden, Carl Rogers, Jesus, Spinoza, Nietzsche and Dalai Lama, to name a few, and shows how their teachings support the main idea of the book.

Namely, that the pursuit of self-esteem is flawed. Instead, Albert Ellis proposes unconditional acceptance—of ourselves, others and the world—as the better way to feel good and have a fulfilling life.

[Yash Aggarwal · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read chapters 1-7, 22-27, and the appendix. The middle chapters relate his philosophy to others and I didn’t want to sit through that.

Along with therapy with a therapist experienced in REBT, this book was life-changing. I enjoyed getting a deeper dive into the philosophy beyond the practical. It helped to fully convince me of the value of REBT.

Cons: the book was repetitive and meandering. It reads more like a journal of his thoughts on the title, whereas I’m used to more targeted, pithy self-help books.

[Tristan · Rating 2 out of 5]

A good message poorly presented. This felt like a series of notes, many of which hadn’t been edited (with sentences which made little sense), rather than a proper book. If you haven’t read Ellis, read A Guide to Rational Living instead.

[Madhab Dwibedy · Rating 5 out of 5]

one of the greatest books ever written

[Chris · Rating 1 out of 5]

I couldn't get all the way through this work. Read the first seven chapters and did not see any point in continuing. The advice boils down to assign judgement to actions, thoughts, feelings, experiences, etc. But never the total person. Basically the following: I did something bad not I am bad. Good advice but the writing introduces this early on and just keeps repeating or proving it with different sources. I don't feel like this is a difficult concept to grasp.

Ellis goes on to show how other philosophies have taught the same thing in the past. Again no new information is presented, just the transfer of complete self judgement to quantifiable things.

In my experience Stoicism teaches the similar things but much more effectively and succinctly. Just my opinion.

[Angela · Rating 4 out of 5]

Author Albert Ellis posits an intriguing thesis--that self-esteem is self-defeating because no one can rely on his or her own consistent brilliance to continue to feed cogence. One flaw in his argument is that the person is entirely responsible for her/himself, neglecting the needed safety that God is also capable of forgiving us, thereby releasing guilt and performance anxiety.

[Oscar Vel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Like the titles of many books, this one is catchy. The author, however, distinguishes Conditional Self-Acceptance [(-esteem) CSA] from Unconditional Self-Acceptance [(-esteem) USA], defending the latter and finding holes in the former. And since human affairs occur in a constantly changing environment, he also defends Unconditional Life-Acceptance of Life (ULA).

Ellis argues in line with many existentialists: the mere fact of “existing” establishes our essence; being who we are, valuable human beings in and of themselves. Since Ellis is an atheist, he rejects any theological proposition about intrinsic human value. It is a “tautology” and such intrinsically cannot be determined empirically, it can only be used pragmatically, he says. However, to avoid this metaphysical discussion, Ellis introduces what he calls the “elegant solution”: the nature of the Self is neither good nor bad. Hence, the principle of never rating oneself is established here: Separate your behavior from your being. Don't rate your self, rather rate your performance.

I largely agree with Ellis on the above points, although I am not an atheist, and I believe that human worthiness is a theological issue, I see the point of postulating intrinsic human worthiness for pragmatic reasons—the good as default mode of human beings (which I am inclined to believe). However, for therapy purpose, the “elegant solution” also has its owm merits, since it postulates fewer philosophical assumptions for a wider skeptical audience, which is very useful. In addition, the “principle of never rating the Self” allows us to make healthier judgments about our actions, given that the whole of who we are is greater than the sum of who we are in parts. I want to put this into practice in my life, along with the Augustinian view that we are good because we were created by a good God (theological assumption, not in the book).

The book also talks about the REBT (Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy) system, which I was eager to learn about.

Some people have already stated that this book could have been shorter. I agree. Its length does not provide anything significant not sufficiently addressed in fewer pages. It contains too many redundancies. Also, I would have liked Ellis to give more credit to the Stoics, as he does with the teachings of Buddhist philosophy. Much of what Ellis discusses in this book can easily be found in the writings of the Stoics. In fact, the main theme of the book, USA, UOA, and ULA can be summed up with a word presented by the Stoics hundreds of years ago, “acquiescence” (complete acceptance of one's internal and external reality). A philosophy also found in Nietzsche's well-known phrase, Amor Fati (Love your destiny).

[Debashri · Rating 4 out of 5]

A rational alternative to self-esteem

The problem with the concept of self-esteem is that you need to feel good and achieve major things to have good self esteem and conversely, if you fail to achieve your goals or feel bad then you have bad self esteem.

The thing is, life happens. Bad stuff happens and if you have to rely on the world working perfectly and being a perfect human being all the time then you are bound to have low self esteem. So, what then? Is the concept of self-esteem even a useful concept?

I've come to believe it's not. I found Dr. Albert Ellis through Jack Trimpey's book Taming the Feast Beast and I was curious about what Dr. Ellis had to offer and I chose to read this book because I have always had poor self esteem from childhood.

This book works for me and makes a lot of sense - it points out that you have to be superhuman and the world has to work exactly the way you want for you to have good self esteem. Which obviously cant happen.

Instead of rating yourself as good or bad - you are worthwhile because you are alive. That's it. What you do rate is your behaviour and actions and whether they hurt you or others and whether they benefit you and others. This philosophy has actually helped me in my journey to recovering from binge eating, a large part of my binge eating was fueled by the need to feel good and finally be happy - but only if I ate perfectly all the damn time.

I'm working towards following REBT in my life, and it isn't an instantaneous thing to do because I have a lifetime of conditioning myself to believe I am worthy or loveable only if I do so and so, and this and that. But I am a happier and more energetic person with REBT and would recommend it everyone.

[Alexandra Cretan · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book comments on the problems of self-esteem and its role in psychiatric pathology from the view of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT), of which the author , Albert Ellis , founder is. Ellis's main points however are philosophical , rather than empirical.
Ellis's theory can be stated simply : he believes that low self-esteem and the quest for high self-esteem are both damaging.He suggests that people would be much better off if they rate their achievements ,rather then their selves. The take home message : rate your performance and your actions , not yourself as a person , for a person cannot be rated and should be accepted unconditionally and at the same time accept others unconditionally as well. Worth reading? I would give a humble "yes".

[Nikos · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book explains
-the difference between unconditional self acceptance and conditional self acceptance.
- why to not rate yourself as a whole

It discusses what philosophers and religions said through history on earth for the
- unconditional self acceptance
- unconditional others acceptance
- unconditional Life acceptance

The writer , Albert Ellis , as usual, repeats many times the same idea and perhaps, some readers will not like this.

[Ta · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting perspective on how one views themselves and how to learn to function better.

I am not entirely convinced that the book truly needed the comparison with various philosophies around the world. The comparisons were similar to each other and did not deliver much new information. On the other hand the final practical part had a lot more fresh insights. The appendices were also interesting, even if they partially repeated themselves.

[MB · Rating 4 out of 5]

“This is the essence of intellectual fascism. It is a belief about humans which convinces not only the believers, but usually their victims as well, that people acquire intrinsic worth not from merely being, but from being intelligent, talented, competent, or achieving. It is politico-social fascism with the trait names changed-the same hearse with different license plates.”

This is probably what, in my opinion, made the book extremely worthwhile to read.

[邓云锜 · Rating 5 out of 5]

A explanation of my mental state with structure, logic, and a way to udnerstand myself and the world in a way that actaully holds up. Love the philosophical approach. As a depressed post trauma INTJ, this is exactly what I need at the moment. Thanks.

[Aadditya Joshi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book to break current existing wrong paradigm of self- esteem.

[Felipe · Rating 5 out of 5]

very clear book with interesting reference to canonic texts in literature and philosophy

[Cohl · Rating 5 out of 5]

If I could point towards a single book that I could confidently say has changed my life, it would be “The Myth of Self Esteem” by Albert Ellis. It’s a breath of fresh air in a world where self-help books preach self-esteem which is largely dependent on our success.
I initially started with a previous book of his based on a recommendation in order to help me treat my OCD. My OCD used to be so severe that I would often spend several hours straight suffering through anxiety-ridden obsessions and compulsions. This book and its philosophy in combination with other efforts helped me significantly reduce my suffering.

I thought I was coming into this book only looking for a way to treat my illness but instead, I left it with a new outlook on life. To get into it, we rate our thoughts, actions, and feelings relative to a goal (that goal often being well-being). Albert Ellis emphasizes keeping that rating exclusively onto those thoughts, actions, and feelings and not extend that rating (of ‘good’ or ‘bad’) to ourselves as humans. When we separate rating our actions as good or bad rather than ourselves as good or bad it helps diminish ego and the suffering conditional acceptance brings. Albert Ellis takes it a step further and says that it would be impractical to rate the entirety of our beings as we are made up of millions of thoughts, actions, and feelings and ever-changing. Additionally, he expands that a person wouldn’t be able to correctly assign an accurate value to themselves for reasons outlined in the book.

Albert Ellis advocates for unconditional self-acceptance, other-acceptance, and life acceptance. He makes a valid case on why unconditional self-acceptance would make a better philosophy to go by rather than conditional self-acceptance (where we base our value on our own ability, life, and other’s inputs.) He encourages recognizing and replacing our irrational beliefs and rigid demands with rational beliefs and preferences.

He goes into many other things including perfectionism, shame exercises, disturbing ourselves about our disturbances, and even a composite of examining famous works and how they incorporate (or don’t incorporate) this philosophy. I barely scratched the surface of what this book has to offer and would highly recommend it. Albert Ellis has helped change lives and left many ideas to the world. I really do love this philosophy and I cannot express that beyond this.

[Renuka · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's not just a book that explains self-esteem but it actually therapizes you. Albert Ellis has gathered all the possible theories that are related to self-esteem, in a structured timeline of when they were formed. He resolves the myth of self esteem with the help of rational emotive behaviour therapy. This book is as much practical as it is theoretical. It is like a walk in the park, but it evokes a lot of reflection while you're on that walk. Read it slow and absorb it. Take a pencil to underline and a notebook just incase.

[Víctor R. Ramos · Rating 5 out of 5]

It is a very good self-help book if you're looking to explore in detail the topic of the self-esteem, explained by a respected author. It was recommended by a friend and I think the recommendation was correct. I'm not sure if it's for everyone, but I think Albert Ellis explains things in detail and it is easy to understand.

[Rodney Daut · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book teaches an entirely new philosophy for how to think of ourselves. It shows that self-esteem can cause more problems than it solves. And suggests a readical new way to think of ourselves that can free us from anxiety, anger and fear. This book gets my highest recommendation

[Shaghayegh · Rating 5 out of 5]

that's great;)

[Matthew · Rating 5 out of 5]

Useful insights specific to clients dealing with self-worth issues.

[Sara shekarriz]

خب باید بگم نوشته های آلبرت الیس منو خسته میکنه چون خیلی تکرار داره و مثال ها و گزافه گویی ها !! ولی محتوای کتاب رو دوست داشتم چون باور بنیادینی رو به چالش میکشید ، باور اینکه خوب بودن ، بد بودن ، ارزشمند بودن من رو ؛ کاری که میکنم و کارایی که بلدم مشخص میکنه . این باور تبدیل میشه به اینکه من ، منم ! یه انسان که فقط به صرف انسان بودن پذیرفته شده هستم ؛ فقط میتونم عملکردها و کارهام رو ارزیابی کنم که اون هم باز برای سلامت روان من مضره! من کسی هستم با یک سری خوبی ها و بدی هایی . خوبی هام مطلق نیستن و خوبترین و خداگونه نیست ، بدی هامم شیطانی نیستن . من یه آدم گورخری ام ! راه راه سیاه و سفید . اما در هر صورت ، من رو سیاه و سفید هام تعریف نمیکنه !