Men with Balls: The Professional Athlete's Handbook

by Drew Magary

This will be the very last book you ever read. Because after you have read this book, you, Good Sir, will know how to be a pro athlete. And pro athletes don't need books. Or strong family bonds. Or any of that stupid crap. Not when they have ready access to millions of dollars and scores of smoking hot chicks with questionable judgment.

This book will be all you require to cast aside your boring life as some jackass who cruises around bookstores hoping to score grad-school trim.

With Men with Balls , you will learn how

Showboat using classical pantomime techniques Figure out whether or not a stripper actually fancies you Emotionally cope from the emotional fallout of rookie year hazing games Find out which free locker room amphetamines will give you a shot of energy, and which will cause you to run down terrified schoolchildren with your Escalade ( Some do both) Avoid media scrutiny by directing beat writers and columnists to the nearest hot buffet

So grab your balls, bookboy. You're about to become a home-run hitting, steroid-injecting, angry-orgy-having Turbostud. They're gonna need a whole ocean just to wash your jock.

Genres: Sports, Humor, Nonfiction, Comedy

288 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2008

About the author

Drew Magary is a correspondent for GQ Magazine, a columnist for Deadspin, and a Chopped Champion. He’s also the author of four books: The Hike, The Postmortal, Someone Could Get Hurt, and Men With Balls. He lives in Maryland with his wife and three children, and enjoys taking long walks.

Reviews

[Brian Robin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am a writer. Can turn a phrase or three. Have done it professionally since I was 20. And like the journeyman athlete making a tick more than the league minimum, I look at Drew as a combination of Zeus-meets-Babe Fucking Ruth. With a side of Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods.

This book is hilarious. I'm sitting in a restaurant reading it at lunch and pissing off everyone around me by randomly laughing like a spastic hyena. Especially at the fake testimonials from athletes, agents, officials, et-al.

To think I bought this book for $2. ... I'd say I did get a small amount of revenge-meets-satisfaction for being confronted with the realization I'll never write like Drew. But I can get more than my money's worth in the deal.

[Lumpy · Rating 1 out of 5]

Gross amount of rape and gay jokes in the first chapter. DNF.

[Andrew Flack · Rating 2 out of 5]

Funny for the first chapter or two, but got old fast. Clever throughout. Would have been good as a magazine article or series on a blog, but not suited for a full book.

[Paul Basile · Rating 2 out of 5]

Only two stars worth of chuckles were elicited. Magary is much better in column form on Deadspin.

[Joseph Saborio · Rating 2 out of 5]

Honestly, I’m not a sports fan at all which doesn’t do this book justice; I’d say 3-4 stars if you’re into sports even just a bit.

[Will Wilson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was exactly what I expected: frat-bro humor from 2008. It's not for everyone, but if you like that style, and I do, there's nobody who does it better than Drew Magary. I love the unapologetic Haterade of his Why Your Team Sucks columns, and this book was in a similar vein. Profane and hilarious!

[Dan · Rating 4 out of 5]

The short version: A quick, engaging and fun read that might manage to somehow care more about sports, while at the same time spurring you to take them less seriously.

The longer version: Let's be clear -- I learned absolutely nothing from this book. That doesn't make it any less fantastic, of course.

Drew Magary, best known by his online pen name Big Daddy Drew, has long been a slinger of blog fury. From his early writing at Father Knows Shit (a now-defunct humor site chronicling not only his frequent ineptitude as a parent, but also his often volcanic distaste for, well, pretty much everything) through his vital contributions to must-read NFL satire blog Kissing Suzy Kolber and his much beloved weekly column at online sports titan Deadspin, the Virginia-based advertising pro has always showcased a talent for subtly intelligent criticism nestled snugly within a forest of what he calls "hastily assembled dick jokes." Though his screeds always come laced with unique compound swear words -- not to mention open calls for the public figures that upset him to get sick, get hurt, get killed or get fucked -- Magary's work tends to evoke as it entertains, provoking thought even as its language remains rooted deeply in the gutter.

So it comes as little surprise that “Men With Balls” is loaded with more than just funny-‘cause-they’re-filthy lines, passages, first-person “guest” appearances by sports headliners and lowlights alike. (Though those are definitely there.) There’s also plenty of funny-‘cause-it’s-true content here, particularly his skewering of the relationships between athletic unions and their members, and the disgusting symbiosis of the player-fan dynamic. And I swear, the closing essay -- beamed down from Heaven by Johnny Unitas, which is a very nice touch – reads pretty much exactly the way I’d imagine a dead legend would write it, looking back on it all with the attendant perspective of a slot in the thumbs-up afterlife (which, it seems, is way more of a pain in the ass than you’d think).

[Koen Verbeken · Rating 4 out of 5]

In't kort: dit is een gids voor nieuwe topspelers in de diverse sportcompetities in de Verenigde Staten, die uitlegt waaraan ze zich kunnen verwachten in hun nieuwe leven als superstars. Je leert er oa hoe je kan uitvlooien of een stripper je echt ziet zitten of enkel uit is op je zuurverdiende dollars, hoe je moet reageren wanneer je net een game-winner hebt gescoord en hoe je je tegenstander kan pesten door zijn vaders dood ten berde te brengen.
Mijn oordeel: uit het voorgaande kan je al opmaken dat het allemaal niet serieus bedoeld is, en met de nodige ironie en tongue-in-cheek gelezen moet worden.
De auteur behandelt een heleboel onderwerpen, gaande van hoe je te gedragen in de kleedkamers over wat de nieuwe roem zal brengen tot wat te doen met al die centen.
Het is een knap geschreven boekje, al moet je er wel heel wat cuss-words bijnemen. Ik heb ook voor het eerst sinds erg lang opnieuw luidop gelachen met een hilarische passage over motivational speeches.
Enig minpuntje: na drie-kwart van het boek wordt het allemaal wat 'been there, done that', het wordt wat vermoeiend.
Nevertheless, a funny read.
Eindoordeel: ****

[Evan Kirby · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'm a big fan of Drew's blogging on Deadspin and think he's hilarious, but a lot of this book left a bad taste in my mouth. Offensive and crude humour is all well and good, but he goes a little too far overboard with some of the homophobic, misogynistic and racist jokes that makes this thing read so primal, especially because these jokes are just scraped from the "cheap" bin that you've heard a thousand times. With that said, it's a pretty good device writing for athletes and I did laugh out loud at a ton of stuff in here as Drew has a really personable way of writing that gets a lot of the jokes off on another level. I just wish that some of the joke themes didn't read so primal and was kind of disappointed because I thought Magary was better than that.

[Ross · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm sort of mixed on KSK and its inherent value. I tend to think the caricatures of players are entertaining, but th mildly sexist/homophobic jokes are a little Maximesque for my tastes.

With that said, KSK cofounder Magary's book is pretty entertaining. It takes the entirely noncontroversial stand on just about everything ("Football is cool!" "The media sucks!"), but does find humor in some entertaining places. It's a light read, no doubt, but wildly entertaining.

[David · Rating 1 out of 5]

Love Drew and his work at Deadspin as well as his novels. His memoir is fantastic as well. This doesn't work. The jokes aren't funny and seem targeted towards high school and college aged males. Really sophomoric. I'll chalk it up to being an early work and he's obviously come a long way as a writer.

[Seth · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good shitter read. There are some moments of brilliance, but it's definitely better taken in small chunks. If you haven't yet, check out Drew's site: kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com. It makes me laugh audibly on a daily basis.

[Jon · Rating 3 out of 5]

Easily one of the most offensive and funny books I have ever read. If you consider yourself a fan of sports, & totally immature and offensive humor then this is a book you must read.

[Bo · Rating 2 out of 5]

Kinda funny, but nothing great.

[Jake · Rating 3 out of 5]

Pretty damn funny mostly, pretty damn predictable in others. For a more concentrated amount of the funny, go to his websites at kissingsuzykolber.com and deadspin.com So genius.

[Andy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fun, idiotic, and sneaky-smart take on professional sports. Lots of in-jokes and profanity. Helped get me through the holiday season.

[Phillip · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've never liked sports books but this is a great satire on professional sports.

[Josh · Rating 3 out of 5]

It had its moment, but perhaps Drew is best in small doses.

[Jon Thomson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This man is one of the few writers that can make me laugh til I cry. If you read any of his writings from "Deadspin", you will LOVE this book.

[Angie Barthel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Must be fluent in Sarcasm to enjoy!

[Chris · Rating 5 out of 5]

Some of the funniest stuff I have ever read

[Kent Disch · Rating 3 out of 5]

Drew is better in short form.

[Sean · Rating 4 out of 5]

I lol'ed. Basically it is a 300 page typical Drew Magary blog post, full of gratuitous Simpsons references and SHOUTING IN ALL CAPS.

[Dylan Lysen · Rating 2 out of 5]

Funny, but don't really care for it.

[Elias Pessin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Perfect humor guide to sports. I love reading Drew's posts on various websites that he works for.

[Jim Prosser · Rating 4 out of 5]

A funny quick read by one of the most creative sports bloggers out there.