Please Stop the Deep Thoughts

Deep Thoughts

by Jack Handey

92 Deep Thoughts like these:

Sometimes I worry what kind of a world we are leaving to the bands of roving mutants who will inherit it.

I wish there was something called trial by ants, because at the end the guy would say, “The ants have spoken.”

I wouldn’t want to wind up hooked to a bunch of wires and tubes, unless somehow the wires and tubes were keeping me alive.

It’s never too late to start doing what you really want to do.
Wait, how old are you?

Genres: Humor, Comedy

95 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2017

About the author

Jack Handey is an American humorist. He is best known for his Deep Thoughts, a large body of surrealistic one-liner jokes, as well as his "Fuzzy Memories" and "My Big Thick Novel" shorts. Many people have the false impression that Jack Handey is not an actual person, but a character created by Saturday Night Live or a pen name used by National Lampoon.

Reviews

[Kathleen · Rating 5 out of 5]

"The first person to see popcorn popping probably thought, 'Have I lost my mind?'"

[Brad · Rating 3 out of 5]

Same review as the others in the series:

Before Mitch Hedberg, demotivational posters, status updates, 140-character tweets, or numerous internet jokes devoted to "shower thoughts," there was Jack Handey's Deep Thoughts. Usually one-liners, these non sequiturs--always paired with serene images--range from absurd musings to historic revisions to unusual logic to bait-and-switch humor to the anti-comic. They are always pretty weird and often have a touch of jovial (mock) nostalgia. The best ones are a little twisted.

Packing a bunch of them together takes some of the punch out of it, as does reading it today when so much has happened in the evolution of comedy since the years Deep Thoughts was on SNL. Nowadays the gems would be little more than a comic tweet quickly drowned by the oversaturated sea of electronic information.



Favorites:
“When a cowboy shoots at someone’s feet to ‘make him dance,’ isn’t he really saying, ‘Won’t someone teach me to dance?’”

“If you ever get hit in the face by a baseball, do what I do: scream, grab your face, and fall to the ground.”

“I wouldn’t want to wind up hooked to a bunch of wires and tubes, unless somehow the wires and tubes were keeping me alive.”

“One good thing about being buried alive is you can catch up on your clawing.”

“One bad thing about ice skating is you’re always knocking over little kids.”

“When you’re applying for a job, I think a good thing to tell them is, ‘Yes, I’ve spent time in jail—for having too many good ideas.’”

“The two worst things about getting your head crushed by an elephant would be the pain of the crushing and the smell of the elephant foot.”

“A good way to impress a job interviewer is to tell him the names of his kids, their ages, and where they go to school.”

[Andrew Shaffer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Only half a dozen reviews for the first Deep Thoughts Book in 19 years? C’mon, people. Don’t sleep on Jack Handey like this.