Yes, You Are Trans Enough: My Transition From Self-Loathing To Self-Love

by Mia Violet

With entertaining anecdotes and thoughtful observations, this memoir depicts the realities of being a trans woman - from bullying and botched coming out attempts to self-acceptance and love - whilst exploring the inaccuracies of trans representation and confront what the media has gotten wrong.

Genres: Nonfiction, Queer, LGBT, Transgender, Memoir, Gender, Biography

352 pages, Paperback

First published June 21, 2018

About the author

Mia Violet is a queer writer with a passion for exploring how to live a life of self-love and positivity. She also dabbles in public speaking, podcasting, and modelling. Her main drive is to help people feel better about themselves and their bodies, especially fellow trans people,

As a queer woman who suffers from body dysmorphic disorder, with a history of anxiety and self-loathing, she knows how difficult it can be to find peace and happiness, but she believes everybody can do so with time and the right tools.

Elsewhere, she uses her platform on social media to discuss contemporary transgender issues, with an aim to help those coming to terms with their identity, and to promote wider acceptance among those who are open to learning more.

Reviews

[Avery Delany · Rating 5 out of 5]

When I first came across Yes, You are Trans Enough, I knew that it was going to stand out in the busy crowd of transgender memoirs as something different and special. The colorful cover was not only bright, bold and charismatic, just like it’s author Mia Violet, but it reached out a welcoming hand with its affirmative declaration that, yes, you are trans enough.

The overwhelming anxiety over whether you are “trans enough” to be transgender is a far more common concern than many of us realize and sadly it results in many trans people struggling in silence, afraid to talk about how they feel or admit to themselves (let alone anybody else) that they might be trans.

In this honest, witty and comforting memoir, Mia shares with us her experiences of struggling with those exact feelings and how she began to overcome them during her journey from ‘self-loathing to self-love’. From a botched coming out to her parents that had her running straight back into the closet at the age of 14 and living through years of denial that left her feeling depressed, hopeless and with shatteringly low self-esteem, to confronting the reality of her gender identity with the help of her loving partner and beginning the obstacle-ridden course of transitioning, right up to the day when Mia stopped living for others and started to love herself for the shining star that she is.

Yes, You are Trans Enough effortlessly blends together the many facets of living life as a trans woman to produce an account that is at all times raw and realistic, whilst always managing to stay light and entertaining. Trans people are no strangers to countless hardships and Mia definitely doesn’t shy away from speaking openly about the bullying, violence, fear, homelessness, and years spent hating herself. But her memoir is also brilliantly funny, hopelessly endearing and full of joy.

I loved that each chapter skillfully wove together Mia’s own personal account of transition whilst also relating it to wider issues such as the bathroom debate, access to medical treatment and NHS pathways, transphobia, the importance of positive representation in fiction, and the rampant lies about trans people in the media. In fact, right at the outset of the book Mia states that it is her hope that Yes, You are Trans Enough will combat misinformation, myths, stereotypes, and lies about trans people by revealing the realities of one trans woman’s life. What she goes to great lengths to demonstrate throughout the book is that transitioning is a difficult decision that many of us go to great pains to avoid. Nobody looks at all the potentially negative consequences of coming out and transitioning, such as various forms of violence, unemployment and/or job insecurity, homelessness, and the loss of your family and friends, and thinks ‘gee, that sure looks like a real fun thing to do‘. Nobody pretends to be trans for the hell of it, or with the aim of tricking their way into different bathrooms, or makes up their mind about it over lunch one day. Rather, it is a decision that we do not take lightly and which some of us are too scared to take at all.

But fear not friends, because Mia is here to help. Yes, You are Trans Enough is written in a way that is accessible to all so regardless of if you are a cisgendered person (someone who isn’t trans) who wants to learn more about trans people, an ally who wants to support the work of trans people, a service provider/company/organisation looking to make your work more trans-friendly, a trans person looking for an account which is full of positivity and love, or someone who thinks that they might be trans or want to transition, then this is the book for you!

What this book isn’t:

* Saying that everybody is trans
* Encouraging people to jump headfirst into transitioning, especially medical transition
* An account which depicts a “unified trans experience”
* Focusing on the idea of “becoming” a woman or only focuses on medical transition

What this book is:

* Encouraging you to give yourself permission to explore your own feelings and gender identity
* Challenging the idea of what being trans “looks like” and that there is a linear narrative to coming out, transitioning and being trans
* Combating misinformation, myths, stereotypes, and lies about trans people
* Recognising that there are lots of different types of trans people, ways to be trans and trans experiences
* Light and enjoyable with lots of information about different issues affecting trans people, written in a way that is accessible to all
* An account of one trans woman’s life
* An affirming story, a declaration of self-love and a welcome for you to do the same

Check out my blog for more reviews!

[ash | songsforafuturepoet · Rating 4 out of 5]

My first trans memoir and a really honest, heartfelt, and witty one at that. Mia has a lovely, affirming, matter-of-fact voice, and she generously details her struggles and euphoria growing up. This is helpful because it gives me a realistic look into the experiences of an everyday trans person.

Mia also helpfully emphasizes throughout the book that another person's trans journey does not have to match hers. You don't have to always experience your standard ~childhood dysphoria~ to be trans. You don't have to come away battered and bruised to be trans (though this of course happens a lot). You don't have to hate mirrors or buy black market hormones. For some trans people who are in denial or who think they are not trans enough, I think this can be really affirming.

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a fantastic read, and I loved it so much. I related to so, so much of her story, and I found myself highlighting passages on my Kindle every few pages (I'll share some of them here). If you're trans or questioning, I would definitely recommend this book, especially if you have any doubts (hence the title). If you're cis and wanting to learn more about a trans experience, I'd recommend this but would like to note that this is one person's experience, there are no universal trans experiences. It is written in a way that is accessible to folks without much knowledge of trans issues and experiences, which is great.

[Miffybooks · Rating 5 out of 5]

such an unbelievably affirming read. it made me a little anxious honestly to read this because i connected so heavily with her story about how she realized she was trans as a teenager, and it scares me a little bit about how undeniable its becoming that i am a trans girl. (if u didnt know that, now u do! hi)

more than anxious though, this book made me feel so much better about myself. it told me that all the strange thoughts ive had throughout high school are totally normal, it showed me that there could be a future for me if i really am a girl, and more than anything it told me that im beautiful and worthy of love. mia violet is one of the most compassionate, caring authors ive ever read and by the end of the book i was overwhelmed by how much kindness she went out of her way to infuse into every chapter. she never shelters the reader about how hard it is to be trans, but she always makes sure to remind the reader that being trans is special and full of things to be optimistic about.

one of the most caring, important things ive ever read. i want to show this book to so many people.

[Kim · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was an easy five stars. While the story is personal, broader issues of transition and of trans people in society are covered, along with some consideration of issues of general self-worth and value. Although the author's story wasn't always easy, there's an uplifting and encouraging spirit, and a lot of genuine insight.

[Jonathan Wichmann · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really fascinating. Mia Violet shows clearly that not all trans people grow up consciously knowing they are trans. As she writes, "I’d never been longing to become a girl, I’d been struggling with pretending to be a boy." "But how can you diagnose yourself with a problem you don’t know exists?"

I might as well share more great quotes :) - "But my transition had never really been about hormones, clothes, or my body; it had been about that feeling deep in my gut, the one that had reminded me that so much of my life didn’t feel right..." "As a young adult, I dragged myself through life in a haze, bored and empty. It was only after I started to transition that my life suddenly gained colour, I finally connected to my emotions and learnt to like myself as a full person."

From my limited experience, I think this book does a great job of communicating what it's like to be transgender, beyond the familiar story of children who know what is going on from a young age. And while it gives a full picture of the challenges that trans people face every day, it also highlights the joys, and it encourages readers to look for and find their place in the community.

[Rachel · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked this book. Mia Violet's story is interesting and is an excellent addition to the trans-person story genre. I particularly like how she stresses that each person is an individual, and there is no one (or dozen) way to be trans. And that not all trans people have the goal of passing a cis person of their gender.

But parts of the book drag on. I can't say what could have been cut, but something should have been. I got used to the way she would end a chapter about her personal life with generalizations to the trans experience, though it seemed awkward at first. Also, and I don't recall ever thinking this about a book before, the paragraphs are too long. Maybe it's to save space; she said in the introduction that the book was much longer than she'd expected. And, it is a memoir, so of course she's focused on herself, but sometimes that seemed a bit too much.

[Eliott · Rating 3 out of 5]

I just skimmed the second half because I needed to return the book to the library and I got to the point where I was like "this book is so long and I've read other like it before", so for that reason, I'm not giving an official review for this one.

[Elliot · Rating 4 out of 5]

I used to hate being trans. I'd wake up every day wishing I was cis, wishing I could have the right body. But now I wouldn't trade my experience for the world. Being trans has shaped me into the person I am today. Don't get me wrong, it's a godawful experience that I wouldn't wish on anyone, but there's beauty to be found in it. Mia does a phenomenonal job of describing her experiences as a trans woman. I connected strongly to the part when she found out that being trans was an option. I remember my exact experience with that, and I'll never forget it.

Mia acknowledges how her privilege has allowed her to experience an easier transition that most. But at the same time, she has given herself grace and understanding for the struggles she endured.

[C.L. Ogilvie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Insightful, informative and deeply affecting. I feel very fortunate to have had the opportunity to read this. Written with warm and humor, a very moving read. Highly recommended!

[Ally · Rating 1 out of 5]

tl;dr: read Fine: A Comic About Gender instead.

DNF. Hopped around a bit in a physical copy, read likely ~20% of the book.

This story could have been told with equal completeness and insight in 5% of the page count.

The intended audience for this transition memoir is someone who is wrestling with their own gender identity. But for most of this story to be relevant, a reader would have to be in an extremely specific spot - pretty sure they're trans, scared about disrupting a dysphoric but otherwise basically fine life, grasping at straws to convince themselves to preserve the status quo, but not having enough success distracting themselves to set thoughts about gender aside. I don't think I ever passed through that particular spot.

Some basically-fine-except-for-being-trans young white middle-class girl with a mildly transphobic family *is* in that spot and this book might be useful to her, provided that she's comforted by having a warm and self-interested friend talk at her. (I would totally love for Mia Violet to talk at me if I was having tough trans feelings! I hope she doesn't read this review.) On the other hand, someone in that spot would probably learn more about themselves by reading ten shorter stories of transition.

On the other other hand, they would be served even better by getting out and making some queer friends.

In the closing chapters, the author is relatively clear that her motivation in writing the book is to deal with the fact that she can't be personal friends with every trans person who's struggling. She wants to scale her reassurance. But reassurance, knowing someone and seeing them, helping them feel belonging - these things arise from interpersonal care and inherently can't scale.

This book doesn't do what it wants to - and no book can. We need each other's actual presence in our lives, not just a breezy structureless ultra-casual writing style that briefly, stingily slakes our thirst for presence.

There are few if any transition memoirs that I think would be super useful for figuring out what you want to do about your relationship to gender. The form is (ideally) for cis people who want to build empathy (but more commonly for liberal cis people who want to be absolved of guilt, or cis people who enjoy a good game of spot-the-trauma-or-mental-illness-that-made-the-author-trans). That said, there are a bunch of memoirs I'd recommend before this one. Fine: A Comic About Gender - a combo of memoir and narrative research - is my rec for both empathy-building and I-think-I-might-be-trans feelings for readers who might otherwise be considering Yes, You Are Trans Enough. It covers a wide range of experiences with gender - including, brilliantly, experiences of people who don't ID as trans - and is dense and beautiful. It's challenging in content but not a challenging read, and has a comparatively low risk of reinforcing transphobia.

[Nora · Rating 5 out of 5]

The title message "Yes, you are trans enough" mainly speaks to the author's experience of being told as a teenager by her mother that she was mistaken about being transgender. But it also applies to anyone who is struggling with feeling that they might be transgender, but don't relate to the predominant narratives about being trapped in the wrong body or having "always known," or someone who may be nonbinary or not want any medical interventions. I also really appreciated the author's assertion that there are benefits to transitioning later in life and that being cis-passing is not necessarily the most important thing.

In the second half of the book, the author Mia Violet goes granular into the early stages of her transition. You get to hear about outfits she chose, makeup she wore, how she felt, what she was afraid of. I really loved this. It was like having a friend who is also going through a transition and getting to share all the details. These chapters sparked a lot of thoughts and reflections about my own life. It was really heartbreaking to hear about the waiting times at England's Gender Identity Clinics (spoiler: it takes years) and the reaction of Mia Violet's parents when she came out.

I must tell you that if you really like dialogue and discrete scenes, this book has very little of those things. I was having a hard time with the initial chapters that dealt with Mia Violet's childhood and teenage years, and that could have been why. Or, it could have been because those years were painful to write about and that feeling bled through, or because it was hard for me to relate to a millennial childhood. Or it could have been a million different reasons. (Why do I even bother writing book reviews? I never know what's going on.) But anyway, once I got past the beginning, I absolutely loved this book and I highly recommend it. I would love to read more from this author.

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent work with one drawback

There are no resources at the end of the book for readers in the United States and Canada. All of the resources are for the United Kingdom. With so many transgender people in North America who need help but may not know where to turn, it would be great if a new section could be added to the Resources section at the end of the book for us. It took me years to figure out where to turn, and I finally had to do it by coming out on Facebook.

The book itself is wonderful and does a great job of reassuring people like me that we are indeed trans enough. Each transgender individual is different. Yes, we may share some things with others like us, but in the end each of our journeys is different. Just because a person may not have discovered they were transgender until later in life, or doesn’t suffer from crippling depression from gender dysphoria, or any of a number of other factors that may have been part of someone else’s journey, that doesn’t mean they are any less transgender than me, or nor am I any less transgender than someone else because I didn’t begin my transition until late in life. We are all different yet the same in one respect at least. We are transgender.

For those cisgender people who may or may not know a transgender person, this is still an excellent book because it shows us for what we are; complex human beings who want nothing more than to go through our lives being the most authentic version of ourselves that we can be. We are not perverts who are just trying to get into locker rooms and restrooms so we can find victims to molest. That is the caricature drummed up by conservative media that would paint all of us as mentally ill at best and degenerates at worst. That is not at all who we are. Yes there are people out there like that, but for transgender men and women that is not us.

[Violet Catastrophe · Rating 5 out of 5]

Mia's so lovely.

Great book. Great message to it.

[daryl · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was good, but don't read this if you are currently having a dysphoric episode or struggling to get healthcare... it's a tough read.

[Kara Alexander-Eames · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love Mia's matter-of-fact writing style, and her ability to form a coherent narrative out of several decades of incredibly detailed personal history.

For me, a lot of the more general messages in the book were already very familiar. I took away two things:

1. It can be really important as a trans person living in a hateful world to find some confidence and positivity in your own identity, and to remember to take happiness from that.
2. A lot of her experiences were more familiar than I expected. Which made the book simultaneously a bit of a difficult to read, but also quite reassuring.

[Kaia · Rating 4 out of 5]

would give the book 4 and 1/2 stars but unable to on this app. really helped me accept myself more and during the reading period my mental health was increasingly good. i don’t like to be dependant on things like that, but this book seriously was very good for me

[Grady · Rating 5 out of 5]

‘Transphobia is still epidemic in the media and in our society’

British author Mia Violet is a bisexual trans woman who turned her love of oversharing and analysing everything to death into fuel for her writing career. She uses her sense of humour and passion for helping others to write about queer issues and positive thinking. She also draws deeply from her own experiences of going from a miserable grump to an excitable ball of glitter.

The pleasure of reading Mia’s book is her warmly insightful and humorous manner of relating the trials and struggles she faced form childhood on to her decision at age 26 when she confronted the reality of her transgender status. Yes books have been written before about the subject but rarely have they risen to the level of realism and intelligent communication as Mia’s little book.

Even the book’s synopsis expresses this well (surely Mia had a hand in writing it!) – ‘This is the deeply personal and witty account of growing up as the kid who never fitted in. Transgender blogger Mia Violet reflects on her life and how at 26 she came to finally realise she was 'trans enough' to be transgender, after years of knowing she was different but without the language to understand why. From bullying, heartache and a botched coming out attempt, through to counseling, Gender Identity Clinics and acceptance, Mia confronts the ins and outs of transitioning, using her charged personal narrative to explore the most pressing questions in the transgender debate and confront what the media has gotten wrong. An essential read for anyone who has had to fight to be themselves.’

This book is not only an imperative read for those who are confronting their transgender status, but also for all people who are in the huge spectrum of gender variation – LGBTQI. The reason for that recommendation is the manner in which Mia explains the modalities of assistance in making decisions and finding community in all the variations of gender identity. Highly recommended.

[Newt · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow, wow, wow. Mia’s story reflects so much of my own, as though she was looking into my soul. The words and affirmations within this book resonated with me so deeply and were EXACTLY what I needed to hear as I have begun my own transition earlier this year.

Mia’s journey through becoming her true, authentic self is so undeniably raw, vulnerable, and inspiring. I was rooting for her and she pulled through; I am so glad and thankful that she did. Mia’s story left me reflecting on my own past and experiences, seeing young and hurt Newt struggling alongside her. We share a lot of similar anxieties about being trans (among other things), and seeing her work through those overbearing emotions and thoughts meant a lot to me. Hope can seem like a distant outlier, but things take time. Self-love is a powerful tool that can help you cross over into being the best you that you can be. Thank you for reminding me of this.

I was also questioning whether or not I was “trans enough” and what my non-binary identify meant to me, but I found such powerful affirmations and validations within this novel that I am much more confident in who I am since reading this.

Having this resource and reading through an account of a trans person similar to myself was exactly what I needed to have and hear.

I cannot thank Mia enough for all of the hard work that went into writing this and for openly sharing her story. ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜 🏳️‍⚧️

[Finlay Games · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book so much! As a trans male myself, it's so interesting to read a memoir from the perspective of a trans woman. Although our stories and journeys are different, there are so many similarities in the emotional and social processes we go through.

The struggle to identify oneself as trans , feeling that label belongs to people more worthy and being not trans enough to call yourself trans was a feeling that echoed my own experience.


I particularly related to the journey of finding out who you are, and that transition itself does not magically fix everything. As Mia wisely shares, transition gives us a base from which to step out into the world then we must do the work.


I loved Mia's revelation about being her own version of female, rather following a stereotypical pathway to womanhood. This is such an important message because as trans people we can feel a ton of pressure to conform, where actually the whole point should be to be ourselves.

This is such an authentic, individual and refreshing trans story filled with so many wonderful and wise insights.

[Miranda · Rating 4 out of 5]

"...transition is nobody's first idea, or second, or third, it's usally the last resort...We know full well that trans people are stigmatizzed and that transition can bring social exclusion...We do it anyway because we have no choice. When every other option has been exhausted and we still don't feel right, that's when we give in and transition...only trans people genuinely consider transition, because we're the only ones who still think it sounds exciting and enticing despite all the side-effects. Warning someone who's decided to transition that they should think it through is like asking someone if they're sure they want to be released from prison."

Along with "She's Not There" captures what it's like to be someone like me, and yes, gosh darn it!


(I'd add more quotes in the quote area but tired of having to click on pictures of traffic lights, motorcyles and stairs to do so)

[Hazel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Mia puts her heart on the line, as she tells us what it was like growing up trans. This is a story of bullying, mental illness, denial, failed coming outs. It is also a story of acceptance, of love, of success and transition.

I'd certainly recommend this to anyone struggling with their identity, anyone who has come out as trans, and to cis people who want to know more about what it is like to be trans.

The book is well written, and is in no way dry or boring. It is quite entertaining throughout. Which is not to say that there is nothing serious or depressing here. There certainly is, so beware of that.

Overall I think this is an important book for the Trans community, and it is wonderful that Mia has given it to us. Thank you so much, Mia!

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

An urgent read for both those whose experiences align with the author's, and those who need to learn from them. Equally unsettling and uplifting, Violet's memoir both identifies and begins to fill a notable vacancy in literature on the experiences of trans people in the UK, with the market often being dominated by an American context, which doesn't always apply. To learn more about Mia Violet and to continue following her journey, I recommend following her on twitter, where, as she describes, the documentation of her transition and daily life began.
I was very excited to be given the privilege of reading this book prior to publication, thanks to Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

[Sharon · Rating 5 out of 5]

This might be my new favorite book about gender. Mia Violet writes an incredibly engaging narrative, weaving together her own life story and basic information about transition to create an educational memoir. I found it especially harrowing to read about her childhood experiences of being bullied by boys. On the educational front, I learned about the UK's awful gatekeeping approach to trans healthcare and how it threw a bunch of unnecessary barriers in front of her transition. I love the overall message that trans people are the experts on their own experiences.

[Monical · Rating 3 out of 5]

Personal story on transitioning from the author, with a bit of explanation of the environment, her schooling, and all the abbreviations. Its good for the author that she lives in Great Britain, where the medical portion (or at least part of it) is supported by the NHS. The author never really discloses the extent of her transition other than estrogen-- so I'm not certain that NHS will pay for surgery should that be selected. Nevertheless, it was a good educational book, more on the psychology than the physiology.

[beepboop4 · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've never been someone who sits down to read a book and feels like a different person after it. Undoubtably, my love of reading overall has greatly changed me over the years, but I've never had a pile of books that changed how I've thought and I've often doubted how much people are truly changed by what they read. That was until I read this book. I can say with complete certainty that reading this was a life-changing experience. I haven't had time to process all my thoughts about it, but I'm so happy I read this when I did and I would implore trans and cis readers alike to pick this up.

[Pandarito · Rating 5 out of 5]

The writing style was so nice, easy to read, and quick paced. I relate a lot to the book as a trans person but i would recommend anyone interested in trans issues and topics to read this book but definitely wished i read sooner i just put it off so much since I’ve never read a memoir before. This book has definitely made me excited to read more memoirs in the future. While the authors story isn’t always easy the book has a uplifting and encouraging spirt!

Genuinely loved this book so much can’t put everything I want to praise this book for into words<3

[Charlie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm sending this to a number of relatives who had many invasive questions about my trans identity that I wasn't up to answering. I think it will be a gentle, but informative read for any cisgender person struggling to understand transgender identities.

I'm also recommending it to all my trans friends, especially the ones who wonder if they're trans enough. It's a love letter and a balm and I think it will bring a lot of readers peace.

[Rianne · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting autobiographical account of the author's transition interwoven with more generalized information. Well-balanced and interesting to the end. As it is more of an introductionary text, it's a little superficial overall, but it occasionally reaches unexpected depths and I did come away with new knowledge. However, it's really the personal story that made the book most interesting in my eyes.

[Marissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantasticly fun millennial memoire. The perfect mix of nostalgia for 2000s rock, online chatrooms, and cosplay cons through honest story telling and the occasional reminder of why we loved these things in the first place: to escape our shitty small towns and find community elsewhere.

Mia also does a great job at weaving in Trans myths and medical realities into her narrative, so it never feels heavy handed or separate from the story.