"If you don't like it, just pretend it's a parody! You'll love it!" -Andrew Thomas ('author') I've never written a fantasy book before. I decided to fix that. It was probably a mistake, but here we are! 30,056 words of not-terrible writing await you in this rectangle of content that only has an eighty percent chance of causing cerebral haemorrhage! Experience such exciting plot points as [spoiler], [spoiler], and even [spoiler]! Buzzwords! Anyway, it's probably not the worst thing you've ever read, so why not give it a shot?