Assume the Worst: The Graduation Speech You'll Never Hear

by Carl Hiaasen, Roz Chast (Illustrator)

This is Oh, the Places You’ll Never Go–the ultimate hilarious, cynical, but absolutely realistic view of a college graduate’s future. And what he or she can or can’t do about it.

“This commencement address will never be given, because graduation speakers are supposed to offer encouragement and inspiration. That’s not what you need. You need a warning.”

So begins Carl Hiaasen’s attempt to prepare young men and women for their future. And who better to warn them about their precarious paths forward than Carl Hiaasen? The answer, after reading Assume the Worst, is: Nobody.

And who better to illustrate–and with those illustrations, expand upon and cement Hiaasen’s cynical point of view–than Roz Chast, best-selling author/illustrator and National Book Award winner? The answer again is easy: Nobody.

Following the format of Anna Quindlen’s commencement address (Being Perfect) and George Saunders’s commencement address (Congratulations, by the way), the collaboration of Hiaasen and Chast might look typical from the outside, but inside it is anything but.

This book is bound to be a classic, sold year after year come graduation time. Although it’s also a good gift for anyone starting a job, getting married, or recently released from prison. Because it is not just funny. It is, in its own Hiaasen way, extremely wise and even hopeful. Well, it might not be full of hope, but there are certainly enough slivers of the stuff in there to more than keep us all going.

Genres: Nonfiction, Humor, Essays, Self Help, Adult, Comedy, Audiobook

64 pages, Hardcover

First published April 10, 2018

About the author

Carl Hiaasen was born and raised in Florida. After graduating from the University of Florida, he joined the Miami Herald as a general assignment reporter and went on to work for the newspaper’s weekly magazine and prize-winning investigations team. As a journalist and author, Carl has spent most of his life advocating for the protection of the Florida Everglades. He and his family live in southern Florida.

Reviews

[Sheri · Rating 5 out of 5]

An easy and super short read with valuable advice. Many of today’s graduates are caught up in a fantasy world filled with positive promises and unrealistic expectations. But life is not all sunshine and rainbows. Hiaasen dispenses great advice for life in the real world. Hidden beneath the satire new graduates will find a nice message about doing your part towards changing the world for the better.

[Steve · Rating 1 out of 5]

I like Carl Hiaasen's fiction, but this is complete crap. Total money-grubbing and not even remotely humorous.

[Kelli · Rating 4 out of 5]

Similar to In Conclusion, Don’t Worry About It, this can barely be called a book (because it is so tiny and short), but it clicked with me in a way the other did not. Here is a tiny, short book that seems to be poking fun at other tiny, short published graduation speeches and the unrealistic platitudes within them. Cynically funny with a surprising amount of wisdom...and the illustrations of Roz Chast.

[Reading_ Tamishly · Rating 5 out of 5]

Forget all the self-help books. Read this one. Brutal and realistic. Damn hilarious too.

[Eli · Rating 2 out of 5]

Read this because I'm graduating college next week and saw it on the library shelf. It's literally nothing I haven't already felt, so I didn't get anything from this. Apparently I already assume the worst. The art was enjoyable. Can't help feeling like this book was written in response to a graduating child and the election of Donald Trump. He basically railed Trump as much as he could. I feel the same way as the author, but the whole book just came off annoying and like everything else I've ever read.

[Lois R. Gross · Rating 5 out of 5]

I certainly hope that novelist Carl Hiassen is wrong and he actually does get to give this commencement speech to a group of newly minted graduates because it's probably the only truth they will hear in 4 to 8 years. Unlike Dr. Seuss' "Oh, the Places You'll Go", this book does not promise a future of moon and stars. Instead, Hiassen shares some down to earth truths: you probably won't be a star, you likely will live a fairly normal life, and the best thing you can do is to be a good person. Kids don't want to hear these things because everyone, EVERYONE, at age 23 or 25 believes that even crushing student loan debt will not stop them from realizing their wildest ambitions. After all, that's the mantra they've heard since early childhood. Now "Uncle" Carl delivers the harder lessons of being an adult. With great talent and some influence, a few people will reach their goals (his comparison is that he wanted to be Willie Mays but he couldn't throw or run). So, instead of wasting your life moaning about the things you didn't get, appreciate the things you do achieve and work hard to make your contribution. That is good advice. Illustrated with cartoons by the New Yorker's brilliant cartoonist, Roz Chast, give this to new grads, old grads, and lots of other people as well. Face it. This isn't a Seussian world. Hiassen gets it.

[Cheryl · Rating 4 out of 5]

Carl Hiaasen shares his thoughts about commencement addresses in this short little book. His advice to commencement speakers is to do away with the cliches- - “lame platitudes”- - used in traditional speeches, and suggests that speakers impart realistic advice to graduates. With his often humorous examples, accompanied by Roz Chast’s illustrations, Mr. Hiaasen’s call for a truthful presentation about the challenges that await new grads and how to handle them is the best gift that can be given.

[Mayda · Rating 3 out of 5]

You might want to take this book with the proverbial grain of salt. There are a nuggets of good advice, interspersed with satirical humor, but other admonitions should probably be ignored. Contrary to the author’s advice, I think you should look for the good in people you meet, especially if you meet them on a daily basis. And if you are quick to judge people, you likely will be judging before all the evidence is provided. Still, it’s an entertaining book, and the illustrations make it worth the read.

[Linda Quinn · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a call to arms hidden in what looks like a snarky, bleak look at our world today. Hiaasen's writing, paired with Roz Chast's illustrations, was a quick and powerful read. I'll be purchasing this for my graduating senior!

[Mac · Rating 1 out of 5]

Hiaasen's writing is heavy handed and unpleasant; Chast's drawings are charming and enjoyable. What seemed like a dream team of author and artist is a mismatch of sledgehammer and butterfly. At least, the book is very, very short. Assume the worst? I should have.

[Sidney · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hiassen is one of my favorite authors. This quick (and very snarky) advice to college grads is hilarious (and true)! Bought the book to give to son's fiancé next week for college graduation but had to read it first. I hope she follows his advice!

[Natasha M. Nurse, Esq. · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sarcasm + Funny illustration = Enjoyable Read 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

[Sean Farrell · Rating 4 out of 5]

Typical graduation speeches are full of platitudes and seemingly sage advice, all designed to make the listener feel special. Author Carl Hiaasen thinks that might not be the best way to go, and instead offers up this witty but realistic look at what graduates should expect from life now that they’ll be sent out to live it. Since it takes the form of a speech, with clever illustrations from Roz Chast, this slim book can be read fairly quickly, and while it may seem a little heavy on the doom-and-gloom, it offers just enough hope to make the reader feel that while they may not be likely to change the world as an individual (despite what most such speeches would have one believe), just being decent people means we could all change the world together. And that feels like a message that’s really worth hearing right now.

[Florence Migga · Rating 4 out of 5]

This. This audiobook for the win! It was only 15 minutes long, but it was a delightful 15 minutes. I literally laughed out loud while listening to it as a drove to my book club on Saturday. But then, Carl Hiaasen through in some utter truth. So it was funny, but it was also honest and realistic. He takes some popular modern sayings and dashes them with some #realtalk.

Read the full review on Book Nerds Across America: http://www.booknerdsacrossamerica.com....

[RH Walters · Rating 3 out of 5]

"Society has been deeply divided before, but never has it been so insanely distracted." I like these two writers very much, and enjoyed this quick breakfast of Weltschmerz this morning. Although Hiaasen uses curse words, this is the rant of a crabby dad and will probably be best appreciated by other parents. We all have our own dumb lessons to learn, which is what makes youth exciting and parenthood excruciating.

[Aaron · Rating 4 out of 5]

With his usual wit and humor, Hiaasen presents the graduation speech that he always wanted to tell. It is one that is brutally honest and frank about what he thinks it takes to be truly successful. it is definitely a quick read, and it can be completed in one sitting. I do think it is great advice, and it probably would be interesting to see what would have happened if he did give it in person at a graduation ceremony.

[Kate Scott · Rating 5 out of 5]

This...is the truth.

The truth. Unvarnished. Ugly, and yet beautiful. Absurd and profound. Tear inducing and belly laugh causing. All at once.
Read it.
Absorb it.
Live it.

[Janet Popish · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is short enough to be read in minutes, but is full of good advice. It's not as cynical as it sounds, either. Would make a good graduation gift.

[Brent · Rating 3 out of 5]

Great, fun points by Hiaasen, superbly illustrated with the cartoons of Roz Chast. Now if you don't already like these guys, this won't convert you. But, big fun. I particularly want to know if carl delivered this or a speech like this, and where; this edited speech refers to 'fictional listeners," etc., which is off-putting. A little.
Recommended.

[Luella Lee · Rating 4 out of 5]

Pretty funny and some very wise words.

[Michael Rudzki · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some good, practical advice, accompanied by the amazing illustrations of Roz Chast.

[Hari Brandl · Rating 5 out of 5]

This short but powerful book so closely fits my own world view it is slightly scary.

[Mark · Rating 4 out of 5]

Assume the Worst: The Graduation Speech You’ll Never Hear
Author: Carl Hiaasen, Illustrations: Roz Chast
Publisher: Alfred A Knopf
Date: 2018
Pgs: 43
Dewey: 818.54 H623a
Disposition: Irving Public Library - South Campus - Irving, TX
_________________________________________________

REVIEW MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS

Summary:
This is Oh, the Places You'll Never Go--the ultimate hilarious, cynical, but absolutely realistic view of a college graduate's future. And what he or she can or can't do about it.

"This commencement address will never be given, because graduation speakers are supposed to offer encouragement and inspiration. That's not what you need. You need a warning."
_________________________________________________
Genre:
90 minutes (44-64 pages)
Humor
Entertainment
Literature
Fiction
Literary Criticism
Parodies

Why this book:
The title sucked me in. Appeals to the worrying pessimist who lives inside me.
_________________________________________________

Character I Most Identified With:
A curmudgeon and a pessimist get together and write a grad speech about the future and hope. Lovely.

Favorite Scene / Quote:
The optimist staring at a steaming pile of crap with a shovel in hand thinking there is a pony in there.

The whole graduation speech you’ll never hear with comic strip illustrations is pure awesome.

“Spending all your waking hours doing what feels good is a viable life plan, if you’re a Labrador Retriever, but for humans it’s a blueprint for unemployment, divorce, and irrelevance.” AKA Why not live every day like it’s your last.

The pessimist slept close to the fire. The optimist pitched a hammock between two trees under the stars. One of them got eaten by a lion, a tiger, or a bear.

Wisdom:
The okay it’s got to get better assumption. It doesn’t have to do anything.

Self delusion is not a virtue.

Life is a shit blizzard. (But) No, we’re not all doomed.

...spiritual pathway to happiness...visit a yogi, or go buy a puppy.

_________________________________________________

Last Page Sound:
This tickled the cynical, pessimistic curmudgeon who lives in my soul.

Author Assessment:
Well done.

Knee Jerk Reaction:
instant classic
_________________________________________________

[Susan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Carl Hiaasen applies his wit and cynicism to The Graduation Speech You'll Never Hear.

Nuggets of advice:

"Force yourself to experiment with kindness, even when the impulse eludes you."

"The most successful and productive people recognize their own talent and find a way to uncork it. Of course, such keen self-awareness can cut both ways. Bruce Springsteen knew he'd be good at writing songs. Bernie Madoff, on the other hand, knew he'd be good at embezzling."

To add to the humor, Roz Chast - cartoonist for The New Yorker - provides clever drawings to support the text.

[Trin · Rating 3 out of 5]

My coworker really, really, really wanted me to read this -- but I think just because she thought it was funny, not for reasons I need to read into.

It is in fact lightly amusing, and generally contains good advice, though hardly anything earth-shattering. My favorite aspect was the Roz Chast cartoons, unsurprisingly.

[John Everard Griffith · Rating 5 out of 5]

A satirical speech with a positive message. Written with humour but also with a lot of encouragement to be a responsible adult in a world that need good leadership.

It is a quick read. I love this kind of humour because it has a point beyond being entertaining.

[John of Canada · Rating 1 out of 5]

Hiassen jumped from being a clever satirist to a political opportunist.He was one of my favourite authors but has decided to go the foul-mouthed,Trump hating route.I never expected someone as talented as him to go the rabble expedient easy humour route.Pity.

[Holly Socolow · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very clever lampooning of cliché graduation speeches, and with some grounded advice as well. Roz Chast is my favorite New Yorker cartoonist, and she hits the mark all the way through with laugh out loud images. A quick read.

[hailey · Rating 3 out of 5]

Thank you to my elementary school principal for indirectly imparting her wisdom on me with this little read. It was a good reminder to laugh, trust my gut, and it even encouraged me to vote, something my high school social studies teacher would be so proud of :)

[Jen Steed Knapp · Rating 5 out of 5]

I laughed so hard I cried. Writing=funny. Cartoons=funny. Overall message: legitimately good!