Maggie Nelson was born 4 years after her Aunt Jane Mixer, a University of Michigan law student, was murdered, in 1969, at the age of 23. Jane’s death was presumed to be one of “The Michigan Murders,” a series of women killed in the Ann Arbor area for which John Collins was found or assumed guilty. Jane’s file was finally abandoned, the family thought, as a cold case.
In 2005 Nelson completed a book of poetry, Jane: A Murder, mixed with some of her aunt’s diary excerpts. When the book tour was being set up and the book was just coming out she got a call from the police telling her that, after 35 years, a DNA match was made for Jane’s killer. A trial ensued, and for a few weeks national media was focused on the case once again. Well, what would you do in that situation? You write a sequel.
Jane said that with the work of her first book and continuing with this one she was possessed of an obsessive condition she termed “murder mind,” which in part means she read book after book and article after article on murder, serial murders, and so on. Her life was consumed by it, in part because she had decided to write a book about it, I ‘d guess. But there might be something about murder stories that leads to obsessive horror. Hey, I read this, too. And the phenomenon of serial killer obsession applies to Michelle McNamara's I'll be Gone in the Dark: One Woman's Obsessive Search for the Golden State Killer, too, which I reviewed here. Or all the books about The Black Dahlia, such as James Ellroy's novel.
At the same time, Maggie never knew Jane. In a sense what emerges in the writing is Maggie writing about herself writing about Jane, and in the process writing about her own complicated relationships with men, and with traumatic death, such as the sudden death of her father from heart attack at the age of forty. The loss of her “wilder” sister Emily, too. In it she broadens her topic to issues of women in general, issues for women of boldness versus safety. In a sense what emerges is a meditation on the vulnerability of women in a world of sometimes disturbing men.
The trial itself is almost abstract, reinscribing daily trauma as one might expect. They go to the trial, they cry, they have no privacy, they go to their motel room exhausted. For Nelson’s mother, she has to relive the loss of her sister 35 years ago. When the conviction finally happens they aren’t even completely sure the guy who is convicted actually did it, though the lab test shows his DNA is on Jane’s clothes. There’s no peace, no relief, and so on, as one hears about such things.
Nelson realizes she could be seen as a kind of trespasser, writing this story. Her mother lost her daughter. Her grandfather lost his grand-daughter. So why does Nelson write it? Because she can, she’s a writer, and she has "murder mind." And to honor Jane’s memory, in part. Nelson is also dealing with her own recently broken relationship with a man, and all her own complicated issues with men. She admits quite honestly that she knows the national tv shows are mainly interested in the rape/death of white women more than any others. So why this story? Who gets to tell it? Because it happened, Nelson decides, because attention must be paid. Maybe because all such stories—while suspect in some respects—should be told about everyone, and maybe the death of women from violence in particular.
But Nelson’s not always likeable or agreeable. She says of her sister Emily all the time that she was “beautiful,” thereby reinscribing the "beauty myth". Then she says Jane “wasn’t beautiful.” Why should she say these things? Why should their beauty matter to us? But these are complicated issues many of us face, and possibly particularly women. Nelson exposes herself as vulnerable, emotionally complicated, needy, she makes bad decisions like we all do.
Nelson is also a really good writer that makes you feel suddenly very much on her side:
“Am I sitting here now, months later, in Los Angeles, writing all this down, because I want my life to matter? Maybe so. But I don't want it to matter more than others.
I want to remember, or to learn, how to live as if it matters, as if they all matter, even if they don't.”
“I know what I want is impossible. If I can make my language flat enough, exact enough, if I can rinse each sentence clean enough, like washing a stone over and over again in river water, if I can find the right perch or crevice from which to record everything, if I can give myself enough white space, maybe I could do it. I could tell you this story while walking out of this story. I could—it all could—just disappear.”
As a memoir Nelson’s story is one of death and grieving and loss and the impossibility of representing with complete satisfaction anything truly traumatic. Like a lot of memoirs, it’s about the importance of writing, of bearing witness. Writing matters, or can make things matter.
She can be very moving, Nelson, here quoting as she does from time to time other writers:
"'Need each other as much as you can bear,' writes Eileen Myles. 'Everywhere you go in the world.'
I felt the wild need for any or all of these people that night. Lying there alone, I began to feel - perhaps even to know - that I did not exist apart from their love and need of me.
Of this latter I felt less sure, but it seemed possible, if the equation worked both ways.
Falling asleep I thought, 'Maybe this, for me, is the hand of God.'”
A troubling, problematic, honest, powerful book.