"I admit to playing up the innocence angle."
"I admit that I loathe God for creating the universe in such a helpless situation-knowing it would get itself into this kind of trouble, creating it anyhow."
"But would you leave a husband who, when you wake in the middle of the night, your body slick with sweat-dreaming you had to say goodbye to a man you slept with, once upon a time, but the man doesn't care, he has better things to do, he doesn't mind that he'll never see you again and the pain in your chest is so acute it forces you to awake, gasping for air-this husband gets up to bring you a glass of water, then holds your hand across the mattress until you fall asleep? A man who, when your son brings home a girl who dropped out of high school and wants only to get married and have a kid, sits with her for an hour and talks about the benefits of higher education, offers to pay for her to take the GED and apply for colleges? Would you leave such a man? Or would you think, confess, repent, he is the one who should leave?"
Well, that was NOT what I expected. What did I expect? Something juicy. Something scandalous. And what did I get? A commentary on yearning for someone other than the one you're with, and all the guilt that is associated with that, with some God stuffs mixed in. That literally sums it up in the most succinct and accessible way possible.
That being said...
I didn't like this. It sounds like something I would like, or at least connect with having had my own experiences with this very thing. But I have loved two people at once, and struggled with the different types of love, and the betrayal that is loving two men at once. I have struggled with the feeling of impending doom, knowing that I must choose, and knowing that to choose means to lose. I guess I wanted more of that. I mean, I'm not the only one who likes to see my own experiences mirrored in works of art, songs, etc right? We've all clung to some lyric in some song and applied it to our own lives right? I guess what I was hoping for was more of a struggle between two men, and while our MC certainly struggled, she did not love her husband, and instead loved a man who was not her husband. There was guilt, and shame, and tough choices, but Maggie felt guilty because her husband was a good man, but not because she loved that good man.
It's a little more complex than that. That's where the God stuffs comes in. Maggie always having had a complex relationship with God, dutiful, but above all else guilty. It takes the whole catholic guilt thing to another level. Her entire relationship with God as we see it consists entirely of guilt. I looked and looked but could not find the part of Maggie that loved. That felt joy. And isn't that ultimately what God is supposed to be? Loving? Forgiving? Overwhelming joy and glory? But it starts off with Maggie having sex with Thomas, the man who would become her husband. She offered it to him as a form of comfort, after hearing of his broken childhood home. But almost immediately she is repentant, feeling guilty, confessing, praying, promising to marry him because the act of lovemaking has married her to him already in the eyes of God. And what do you know, she actually marries him, this man that she slept with to give him solace, devoid of desire on her part entirely. But she is a Godly woman, and Godly women are married to God, and desire is so closely tied up with sin that it clearly is not a necessity for Maggie. She marries Thomas in order to maintain her purity, reasoning that marrying the man she fornicated with will undo the sinfulness of the act. It's her way of repenting. So naturally, unfulfillment is a constant in her life with her husband, whom she chose only as a form of repentance. Their sex life is unfulfilling to her because she does not desire him, and so in turn to him as well. This leads to forceful encounters, which only leads to her becoming all the more distant. Also naturally, Maggie finds herself tempted by other men regularly. Of course when you are married to someone that you never really chose in the first place, your eye will constantly wander to those you might've chosen if you had had the chance. And so of course Maggie eventually falls in love with another man. In my opinion, she was a completely contradictory character that made zero sense to me. If you are so wrapped up in religion and God that you would marry a man simply because you slept with him once and feel the need to repent for this sin, then you would think this fear of God would dictate other aspects of your life. Like maybe you wouldn't be the kind of woman who develops crushes/obsessions with all kinds of other men, all the time. During a trip to a psychiatrist, some mystery psychiatrist that is never explained or really introduced but just sorta IS present in parts of the book, it is revealed to us that Maggie has insisted on her being in love with someone else many, many times. With this guy, with that guy, with her PRIEST even! This seemed odd to me. Maggie, religious, Godly Maggie is running around wanting men left and right? What the hell? But okay, I reasoned a bit, Maggie is still human, desire is a part of nature, even being religious cannot stifle what is possibly the most natural part of life, and Maggie having been married to the first and only man she's ever slept with, a man she never even really wanted, well it makes sense that she might crush on other man, fantasize about what it would be like to be with someone else. Okay, fine. I'll give her that. But she's playing with fire, over and over and over again. When she writes to James, a poet to whom she has a very strong visceral reaction to, (well, to his work. Initially.) and begins their correspondence, then proceeds to meet up with him? Well where's Godly Maggie then? Yah, sure, we are all sinners, nobody is without sin, everybody is temped by things, yadda yadda yadda,but I just couldn't connect Maggie the woman who allowed her guilt to dictate her life so much that she allowed guilt to choose her spouse for her, to the Maggie who very seemingly sought James out. And then to do what she did, which is struggle for months, years with the guilt, toying at first with the idea of having an affair, putting it off and off and off for so long because oh she's just so guilty and it's just so wrong. But then why continue to see him? You know it's gonna happen Maggie, so why put it off for months? Why torment yourself with the guilt after if you're going to continue doing it?
That's not fair of me to say. Just because we feel guilty about something doesn't mean we can stop doing it. I know this better than anyone. But in Maggie's case, I just didn't buy her bullshit. If I'm being 100% honest, she seemed selfish, and completely self absorbed. The entire duration of the story Maggie is just so guilty. And yet not guilty enough to refrain. Only so guilty as to recognize that what she's doing is wrong and that she shouldn't be doing it, shouldn't want to be doing it, and then to continue on to do whatever she wants anyway and then go on to feel guilty afterwards and then ponder the meaning of and reasons for guilt. She's basically philosophically examining her guilt while simultaneously remaining strangely compartmentalized. I heard her talk about feeling guilty, but I didn't really feel that she really felt it. In fact, she was consistently distant and removed seeming. It felt more like a writer writing than an actual person feeling and experiencing.
Anyway. Aside from my personal judgements on Maggie, there was a lot about the way the book was written that I didn't like. It was fragmented, reverting back and forth in time in a manner that was confusing, and so much of the book was back and forth letters between James and Maggie that were absolutely ridiculous. Dramatic, as only poets and writers can be, and just all together gratuitous. I was not interested in Maggie enough to be interested in her aimless musings.
I was disappointed. To say the least. But hey, at least the book isn't very long, barely 200 pages and half of them are formatted in such a way that hardly more than half of the page is actually used. Didn't waste much time on this, thankfully.
I'll leave you with this bit, the one line in this book that truly, truly spoke to me:
"Pets are a fucking waste, Tommy says, chin quivering. There just ticking time bombs of sadness."
Petto!