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The Path Between Us: An Enneagram Journey to Healthy Relationships
Goodreads Choice Award
Nominee for Readers' Favorite Nonfiction (2018)Most of us have no idea how others see or process their experiences. And that can make relationships hard, whether with intimate partners, with friends, or in our professional lives. Understanding the motivations and dynamics of these different personality types can be the key that unlocks sometimes mystifying behavior in others--and in ourselves. This book from Suzanne Stabile on the nine Enneagram types and how they behave and experience relationships will guide readers into deeper insights about themselves, their types, and others' personalities so that they can have healthier, more life-giving relationships. No one is better equipped than Suzanne Stabile, coauthor, with Ian Morgan Cron, of The Road Back to You to share the Enneagram's wisdom on how relationships work--or don't.
• Why do Sixes seem so intimidated and put off by Eights, who only wish the • Sixes would stop mulling things over and take action?
• Why do Fives seem so unavailable, even to their closest family and friends, while Twos seem to feel everybody else's feelings but their own and end up irritating people who don't want their help?
• How in the world can Fours be so open and loving to you one day and restrained and distant other times?
The Enneagram not only answers these questions but gives us a way out of our usual finger pointing and judging of other people—and finding them wanting, perplexing, or impossible. Suzanne's generous, sometimes humorous, and always insightful approach reveals why all the types behave as they do. This book offers help in fostering more loving, mature, and compassionate relationships with everyone in our lives.
• Why do Sixes seem so intimidated and put off by Eights, who only wish the • Sixes would stop mulling things over and take action?
• Why do Fives seem so unavailable, even to their closest family and friends, while Twos seem to feel everybody else's feelings but their own and end up irritating people who don't want their help?
• How in the world can Fours be so open and loving to you one day and restrained and distant other times?
The Enneagram not only answers these questions but gives us a way out of our usual finger pointing and judging of other people—and finding them wanting, perplexing, or impossible. Suzanne's generous, sometimes humorous, and always insightful approach reveals why all the types behave as they do. This book offers help in fostering more loving, mature, and compassionate relationships with everyone in our lives.
205 pages, Kindle Edition
First published April 10, 2018
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21816 people want to read
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July 19, 2018
I have to admit, I find the enneagram to be problematic in some ways, but I set that aside, and am reviewing this book on its own merits, apart from the merits of the enneagram itself.
There are certainly some good things to glean from this book. Ms. Stabile very quickly cuts to the heart of what drive each enneagram type--and beautifully illustrates this with very accessible and relatable anecdotal stories for each type. I also really appreciated that she showed the positive and negative issues with each type interacting--without ever insinuating that some types just can't have relationships. In fact, I found her overall positive approach to be very interesting and refreshing.
I think Ms. Stabile's weakness lies in her lack of objectivity. There were inaccuracies in her type descriptions, and I strongly suspect that those are due to her own bias based on personal interactions with these types. For example, she describes 5s as very organized planners, who are convergent thinkers. I suspect she may have come to these conclusions based on her personal, close relationships with 5s in her life (she mentions that both her mother and her close friend are 5s). However, if the 5 in question is a "P" on the MBTI, they will value spontaneity and divergent thinking, while eschewing planning and organization. Another example would be her very specific, yet not accurate for most, description of 2s--she herself being a 2 has, I think, heavily influenced and slightly corrupted the description of them.
All in all, I found The Path Between Us to be an enjoyable, useful, and accessible read, filled with helpful nuggets of wisdom for examining yourself and relationships, without the common personality pitfall self-indulgent navel gazing.
There are certainly some good things to glean from this book. Ms. Stabile very quickly cuts to the heart of what drive each enneagram type--and beautifully illustrates this with very accessible and relatable anecdotal stories for each type. I also really appreciated that she showed the positive and negative issues with each type interacting--without ever insinuating that some types just can't have relationships. In fact, I found her overall positive approach to be very interesting and refreshing.
I think Ms. Stabile's weakness lies in her lack of objectivity. There were inaccuracies in her type descriptions, and I strongly suspect that those are due to her own bias based on personal interactions with these types. For example, she describes 5s as very organized planners, who are convergent thinkers. I suspect she may have come to these conclusions based on her personal, close relationships with 5s in her life (she mentions that both her mother and her close friend are 5s). However, if the 5 in question is a "P" on the MBTI, they will value spontaneity and divergent thinking, while eschewing planning and organization. Another example would be her very specific, yet not accurate for most, description of 2s--she herself being a 2 has, I think, heavily influenced and slightly corrupted the description of them.
All in all, I found The Path Between Us to be an enjoyable, useful, and accessible read, filled with helpful nuggets of wisdom for examining yourself and relationships, without the common personality pitfall self-indulgent navel gazing.
June 12, 2018
Certainly a helpful supplement, but not the place to start if you've never heard of the Enneagram. There's a lot of great stuff here, though I would have liked a little more information in each chapter. When you only have a brief description for each, I think it starts to become more of a stereotypical picture of each number. Even so, it certainly offers help for each number in relationships by identifying warning signs, potential pitfalls, and the like. A handy resource to supplement anyone's Ennegram journey!
January 16, 2018
Suzanne Stabile's new book, The Path Between Us, is a much needed followup to her joint book with Ian Cron, The Road Back to You. Stabile's, The Path Between Us, helps readers authentically apply the enneagram to the complex relationships in their lives-- whether personal or professional. Her writing continues to be easily accessible and yet this easy style never compromises the intellectual content or depth of her observations. Stabile confidently draws on her own life's work and practice with the enneagram to engage and support readers on their own journey. This is a must read for any student (new or not so new) of the enneagram and I eagerly anticipate Stabile's book tour and future writing projects.
August 24, 2018
Suzanne Stabile is a master enneagram teacher that I encountered with her previous book and podcast, The Road Back to You, co-authored with Ian Cron. While that book was an introductory text, and her and Cron seem to have gone their separate ways (they now have dueling enneagram podcasts), this book is a level 2 look at the enneagram relational styles. Stabile is wise guide, and in the process of leading workshops around the world on the enneagram, has lots of friends from every enneagram to draw on for illustrative material.
I finished this book, perhaps a little more confused about enneagram types than when I began. No fault to Suzanne, I just don't always know how I fit, and can see a lot in myself that is really counter type. Still this is a great resource, especially in understanding the relational styles of people who are different than you, and ways that different types can speak past one another.
I finished this book, perhaps a little more confused about enneagram types than when I began. No fault to Suzanne, I just don't always know how I fit, and can see a lot in myself that is really counter type. Still this is a great resource, especially in understanding the relational styles of people who are different than you, and ways that different types can speak past one another.
July 12, 2019
If The Road Back to You (Cron and Stabile) is Enneagram 101, this book, its companion, is Enneagram 201. It’s a good next-level guide to navigating relationships as you get to know your number.
The catch-22 is that you’re not supposed to type others. Even so, as I operated on my best guess, this book illuminated the keys to successful and problematic relationships in my life and gave me practical tips on how better to relate to (and confront and go deeper with) those who matter to me.
The book was very well organized. The audio version, read by the author, was delightful. Parts are dense—a lot I want to think about wrapped into a single sentence—making me wish I could remember far more than the average reader does. It’s all so useful!
The catch-22 is that you’re not supposed to type others. Even so, as I operated on my best guess, this book illuminated the keys to successful and problematic relationships in my life and gave me practical tips on how better to relate to (and confront and go deeper with) those who matter to me.
The book was very well organized. The audio version, read by the author, was delightful. Parts are dense—a lot I want to think about wrapped into a single sentence—making me wish I could remember far more than the average reader does. It’s all so useful!
March 26, 2025
Enneagrams might just be my current new obsession because learning about them is just endlessly fascinating and in this one rather than in my first read down on the subject, I finally feel like I’ve found my personal place on the graph ( a 7 with an 8 wing if you’re curious), and even more so with previous research on the subject, this just left me with a sense of comfort and increased internal knowledge and who knows where this new learning path will guide me. If I had to make a biggest gripe with this is I would say in it being quite a bit shorter, it felt more condensed down which made absorbing the information easier but not necessarily as easy in its retention side of things. 4.5/5
July 31, 2018
Short Review: This is the third book I have read on the Enneagram this year. I have been skeptical about the enneagram, but I can see the value of it as a mental descriptive model. No personality test is perfect. Any type of people into a limited set of categories, no matter how many there are will be inadequate to describing everyone. But system that give descriptions that people find helpful are helpful to the extent that they give a language to help people both understand themselves and others.
Where The Path Between us is different from the previous two books I have read is that it is focused on relationships, understanding the Enneagram so that you can related to others better. I think that focus is helpful. It is limited because traditional Enneagram advice is to never type others but allow them to discover their type on their own. So relationships that use the advice in this book either have to try to type others or to have enough background to know other people's types. But even without specific typing of people, there is helpful advice about how you as a person (with a known type) tend to related to others (with a potentially unknown type).
My full review is on my blog at http://bookwi.se/the-path-between-us/
Where The Path Between us is different from the previous two books I have read is that it is focused on relationships, understanding the Enneagram so that you can related to others better. I think that focus is helpful. It is limited because traditional Enneagram advice is to never type others but allow them to discover their type on their own. So relationships that use the advice in this book either have to try to type others or to have enough background to know other people's types. But even without specific typing of people, there is helpful advice about how you as a person (with a known type) tend to related to others (with a potentially unknown type).
My full review is on my blog at http://bookwi.se/the-path-between-us/
January 11, 2019
Great, clearly written guide on enneagram relationships. Very very helpful for my perspective on other people.
September 5, 2018
I read this book after The Road Back To You. I found it helpful, concise, and very practical. All personality types can learn how to better understand themselves in an effort improve and relate more effectively with others.
December 31, 2025
“An Eight can have a fascinating relationship with a Nine when both are mature and in a healthy space. Nines need to have their own energy, agenda, and understanding of what is theirs to do; when Eights willingly and intentionally follow Nines, that can be a beautiful thing.”🌻
The epitome of my own beautiful marriage to the love of my life who is an 8w9.🌻
My love & I have optimistically embraced personal growth together for the past decade. For our beautiful marriage. For our amazing motherhood. For our ever-resilient positive mindsets.🌻
We are now on the journey of sharing what we’ve learned since beginning our enneagram journey in January 2019 with others over the next seven decades. With fellow human beings we meet and within our Christian community. In the future, within a Metropolitan Community Church that I will humbly be a Pastor of to serve our LGBT community home in Puerto Rico.🌻
Combined with The Enneagram Institute as well as “The Road Back To You” by co-author Ian Morgan Cron, this is a great short read on enneagram. Solely standing though, I felt that much needed information within enneagram integration towards God or wholeness as a beautiful human being was missing. Healing paths towards positive transformation for a healthy self and healthy relationships should be a bit uncomfortable.🌻
I’ve given five stars because regardless this book is a great tool for follow-up after immersing oneself within The Enneagram Institute & “The Road Back To You” by co-author Ian Morgan Cron, but there needs to be more depth in regards to stress and security within spiritual transformation.🌻
As an ever-optimistic 9w1, I chortled at the fact that there was hardly anything written about our compassionately empathetic, loyal, kind, committed, altruistic, and gentle Enneagram 9 community - I then realized that the author is married to a fellow Enneagram 9 so she probably didn’t want to hold bias towards our world’s peaceful mediators.🌻
Goodreads review shared publicly June 2nd 2020 - coincides with our Pinterest vision boards for our humble Dirige Ohana.🌻🌺🍀🌸🌵
The epitome of my own beautiful marriage to the love of my life who is an 8w9.🌻
My love & I have optimistically embraced personal growth together for the past decade. For our beautiful marriage. For our amazing motherhood. For our ever-resilient positive mindsets.🌻
We are now on the journey of sharing what we’ve learned since beginning our enneagram journey in January 2019 with others over the next seven decades. With fellow human beings we meet and within our Christian community. In the future, within a Metropolitan Community Church that I will humbly be a Pastor of to serve our LGBT community home in Puerto Rico.🌻
Combined with The Enneagram Institute as well as “The Road Back To You” by co-author Ian Morgan Cron, this is a great short read on enneagram. Solely standing though, I felt that much needed information within enneagram integration towards God or wholeness as a beautiful human being was missing. Healing paths towards positive transformation for a healthy self and healthy relationships should be a bit uncomfortable.🌻
I’ve given five stars because regardless this book is a great tool for follow-up after immersing oneself within The Enneagram Institute & “The Road Back To You” by co-author Ian Morgan Cron, but there needs to be more depth in regards to stress and security within spiritual transformation.🌻
As an ever-optimistic 9w1, I chortled at the fact that there was hardly anything written about our compassionately empathetic, loyal, kind, committed, altruistic, and gentle Enneagram 9 community - I then realized that the author is married to a fellow Enneagram 9 so she probably didn’t want to hold bias towards our world’s peaceful mediators.🌻
Goodreads review shared publicly June 2nd 2020 - coincides with our Pinterest vision boards for our humble Dirige Ohana.🌻🌺🍀🌸🌵
February 2, 2019
I enjoyed furthering my knowledge of the enneagram through this book. While I wouldn’t recommend this to anyone new to the enneagram (check out The Road Back to You) it was helpful for me in learning how I can be better in relationship with all of the different numbers in my life. It also corrected some misinformation that I previously held about stress and security numbers. I enjoy continuing to learn about this personality system, and Suzanne Stabile is a trusted voice for me to listen to in both her books and her podcasts.
February 11, 2020
A great follow up to The Road to You. I really liked the specific examples from the different enneagram numbers and how they interact with each other! Helpful for family, friend, significant other, and work related relationships. I enjoyed continuing to learn about my number and how I can best interact with the other enneagram numbers in my life.
April 4, 2021
Oops I read another enneagram book and now I’m questioning who I am. This was insightful, but if you’ve read The Road Back to You, you may find this book unnecessary. I found it interesting though that Stabile tends to focus on the positive attributes that someone takes on when they go to another number in stress. This reframed my thinking to allow for growth and “goodness” in stress. (My 1 showing). The author also seems to be a little harder and fours and sevens than the other numbers.
July 29, 2018
Review coming soon!
January 21, 2019
This is a fantastic survey of our relationships to each type. I highly recommend to anyone wanting to explore the enneagram and learn more about how to relate to those around them.
Read
June 25, 2024I really enjoyed hearing Suzanne Stabile as a guest on the We Can Do Hard Things podcast, but I didn’t really like this book. It felt like a very shallow, narrow, mostly behavioural description of the enneagram. She used a lot of hyperbolic language in a way that I feel didn’t invite a nuanced perspective for each type or an accurate understanding of a healthy mind as existing in the grey areas of life.
She actually undermined the idea that we could get to those grey areas of understanding that make life easier and more beautiful – she says “since we can’t change how we see, we need to adjust what we do with how we see.” But we CAN change how we see (I ❤️ neuroplasticity)! By learning about the enneagram, or anything else that broadens our perspectives, letting that information sink in, and consciously trying to incorporate alternative viewpoints into our everyday thinking, the way we see can change! Which is what healthy types do when they move towards their numbers of growth. My least favourite thing about personality indicators/philosophies is that they have the potential to promote a rigid view of self and others, which is what I felt from this book. So I was really annoyed by that!
The Wisdom Of The Enneagram by Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson is an enneagram book I much prefer, since it mixes wisdom from the enneagram with a deeper understanding of human psychology, promotes embracing duality, and gives concrete advice based on the core beliefs of each type instead of their behaviour.
She actually undermined the idea that we could get to those grey areas of understanding that make life easier and more beautiful – she says “since we can’t change how we see, we need to adjust what we do with how we see.” But we CAN change how we see (I ❤️ neuroplasticity)! By learning about the enneagram, or anything else that broadens our perspectives, letting that information sink in, and consciously trying to incorporate alternative viewpoints into our everyday thinking, the way we see can change! Which is what healthy types do when they move towards their numbers of growth. My least favourite thing about personality indicators/philosophies is that they have the potential to promote a rigid view of self and others, which is what I felt from this book. So I was really annoyed by that!
The Wisdom Of The Enneagram by Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson is an enneagram book I much prefer, since it mixes wisdom from the enneagram with a deeper understanding of human psychology, promotes embracing duality, and gives concrete advice based on the core beliefs of each type instead of their behaviour.
September 6, 2018
The Enneagram is an ancient fluid personality framework. The Path Between Us shows how the Enneagram can help us to improve our relationships through self acceptance and empathy. I'd recommend this as a level 2 book in your Enneagram study, only once you have a good handle on the basics and feel confident in knowing your number.
I have already read a number of basic Enneagram studies over the last few years and feel a solid handle on my identification with Enneagram 5. I had been asking myself "what's next" with my journey and The Path Between Us was a great next step. Being a 5 means that relationships are not my jam. A 5 lives in her head - 5 likes to gather information and study something before doing it, before being exposed to feeling it. Relationships are something that comes with life and a 5 can feel ill prepared to show-up without studying up.* While other books on personality frameworks can highlight relationship management, none I have found have been such an insightful study as Stabile's The Path Between Us.
Stabile wants us to relate and empathize with the various numbers. She gives stories and quotes that help the reader see through the eyes of another number. She helped me understand how the various numbers can relate to each other in brief. At the end of each chapter she gives one page for people of that number to help them understand how to grow in self to grow in relationships and then a one page for those wanting to better understand/relate in a relationship with someone of that number.
My one piece of criticism is that some of the characteristics for each number feels stereotypical. I furrowed my brow as Stabile showcased 5 characteristics looking like Sheldon Cooper (my assessment, not hers). At first I was critical and questioned her expertise. But giving a reread and time to sit with it - although not as apparent or rigid - I see where my own internal Sheldon tries to pull me towards safety. I've evolved through experience and developed beyond these stereotypes. But her quote that 5s like to give the "right" answer versus exploring "possibles" didn't jive with me. I realize though she's got a point, just not thoroughly explained. I don't give an answer unless I can stand by it - I run through endless possibilities in my head and am open to discussing before standing by an answer. I rarely believe there are "right" answers but I don't give an answer unless it's been well researched. **
I can see myself returning to this book over and again. As challenges come up in relationships - I find I can leverage this book to help me gain perspective.
I am curious about the Study Guide and if anyone has looked through it?
*What a 5 like me doesn't realize is all the life experience I have is better than any study - but I still feel the need to study it to validate my experience through research. I know right. exhausting. #5life
**This drives one 7 yr old nuts "Steffie, do you just not like guessing when I ask you a question?" Of course, if she'd like me to guess why doesn't she ask that in her question (because she's 7 Stef LOL) #5life
I have already read a number of basic Enneagram studies over the last few years and feel a solid handle on my identification with Enneagram 5. I had been asking myself "what's next" with my journey and The Path Between Us was a great next step. Being a 5 means that relationships are not my jam. A 5 lives in her head - 5 likes to gather information and study something before doing it, before being exposed to feeling it. Relationships are something that comes with life and a 5 can feel ill prepared to show-up without studying up.* While other books on personality frameworks can highlight relationship management, none I have found have been such an insightful study as Stabile's The Path Between Us.
Stabile wants us to relate and empathize with the various numbers. She gives stories and quotes that help the reader see through the eyes of another number. She helped me understand how the various numbers can relate to each other in brief. At the end of each chapter she gives one page for people of that number to help them understand how to grow in self to grow in relationships and then a one page for those wanting to better understand/relate in a relationship with someone of that number.
My one piece of criticism is that some of the characteristics for each number feels stereotypical. I furrowed my brow as Stabile showcased 5 characteristics looking like Sheldon Cooper (my assessment, not hers). At first I was critical and questioned her expertise. But giving a reread and time to sit with it - although not as apparent or rigid - I see where my own internal Sheldon tries to pull me towards safety. I've evolved through experience and developed beyond these stereotypes. But her quote that 5s like to give the "right" answer versus exploring "possibles" didn't jive with me. I realize though she's got a point, just not thoroughly explained. I don't give an answer unless I can stand by it - I run through endless possibilities in my head and am open to discussing before standing by an answer. I rarely believe there are "right" answers but I don't give an answer unless it's been well researched. **
I can see myself returning to this book over and again. As challenges come up in relationships - I find I can leverage this book to help me gain perspective.
I am curious about the Study Guide and if anyone has looked through it?
*What a 5 like me doesn't realize is all the life experience I have is better than any study - but I still feel the need to study it to validate my experience through research. I know right. exhausting. #5life
**This drives one 7 yr old nuts "Steffie, do you just not like guessing when I ask you a question?" Of course, if she'd like me to guess why doesn't she ask that in her question (because she's 7 Stef LOL) #5life
May 31, 2021
•I few years ago I was introduced to the concept of the enneagram and read the precursor to this book “The Road Back to You.” At first I was intrigued just because I love learning about personality types and that whole world.
•However, when I sobbed (and I mean SOBBED) through the chapter (in “The Road Back to You) about type ones, I know this was more than just personality typing.
•This book is an even deeper dive into the enneagram. It goes beyond describing each type to looking at what each number looks like in health and in stress, what “wings” are, and how each type functions in relationships.
•I thought it was fantastic and super interesting and informative. Definitely would recommend for those wanting to dive a little deeper into the enneagram!
•However, when I sobbed (and I mean SOBBED) through the chapter (in “The Road Back to You) about type ones, I know this was more than just personality typing.
•This book is an even deeper dive into the enneagram. It goes beyond describing each type to looking at what each number looks like in health and in stress, what “wings” are, and how each type functions in relationships.
•I thought it was fantastic and super interesting and informative. Definitely would recommend for those wanting to dive a little deeper into the enneagram!
January 7, 2022
With the first Enneagram books I read, I chose to focus on my type. As I begin to understand more about those around me and their types, I enjoy learning about others. This book helped me understand what I'm doing wrong in relationships with my difficult people, and what I can change to make those relationship just a bit easier.
April 15, 2018
Summary: Using the tool of the Enneagram, this explores how each "number" interacts with the other numbers, how each number relates in stress, and security, and what is helpful for other "numbers" to understand about relating to a person with this number.
In The Road Back to You, (review) Suzanne Stabile and her co-author Ian Cron give one of the most accessible explanations of the Enneagram that I have read. In this sequel, Suzanne Stabile builds on the insights of how each of the nine "numbers" on the Enneagram views and engages with the world uniquely and how this shapes the ways we build and maintain relationships with others, both those who share our "number" and those who differ (Enneagram types are summarized by the number for that type).
She begins by reviewing briefly the different numbers, the different Triads (Gut - 8, 9, 1; Heart - 2, 3, 4; Head - 5, 6, 7), the Wings (adjacent numbers to ours), and our Stress and Security numbers (those whose qualities we may draw on when we are under stress or feeling secure) and the three Stances (Aggressive - 3, 7, 8; Dependent - 1, 2, 6; and Withdrawing - 4, 5, 9). These are elaborated much more fully in The Road Back to You but also covered in the context of relationships in the following chapters.
Before discussing relationships for each number, Stabile offers very helpful advice for those concerned about the misuse of the Enneagram:
"First, please don't use your Enneagram number as an excuse for your behavior. Second, don't use what you've learned about the other numbers to make fun of, criticize, or stereotype, or in any way disrespect them. Ever. Third, it would be great if you would spend your energy observing and working on yourself as opposed to observing and working on others. And going forward, I hope you will share my desire that we all grow in our ability to accept, love, and walk beside one another on the path with loads of compassion and respect" (p. 13).
The next nine chapters are devoted to looking at each number beginning with Eights (the Gut Triad). Each chapter begins with a story of an interaction involving a person with the number being considered. This is followed by a description of the world of this number, how they respond in relationships under stress and security, and the path together with this number. A sidebar in each chapter considers relationships between this number and each of the other numbers, including those sharing the same number. The chapter concludes with two summaries, one focused on key things a person with this number need to remember that they can, and can't do in relationships and what they need to accept; and one focused on what others need to keep in mind in their relationships with a person with this number.
I found this book extremely helpful both for self-understanding, and understanding the ways I relate with others. In my case, I'm a five. I value competence that comes through knowing, independence, privacy, and guarding my energies. I listen and observe well, but I'm not always good at communicating my feelings. Instead, I will tell you what I think. I learned that I'm not always good at picking up innuendo or indirect communication (true). Being laid up for a couple of months at the end of 2016 told me how hard it is for me to let others care for me, and the truth that the best way to live is neither dependent nor independent, but interdependent. Stabile's title for my number really fit: "My Fences Have Gates."
One critique I would offer of this book is that it assumes that a person knows their Enneagram number and doesn't give much direction to the person who does not. There is a resource advertised at the end of the book on knowing your number but little guidance given about how one may go about discerning this. Stabile has been trained by Fr. Richard Rohr, whose approach is that one discerns one's number as one reads the different types and finds one that makes you uncomfortably squeamish, saying "how did you know that about me?" That one is probably yours.
I know there are some who are critical of the Enneagram. I won't try to defend this tool, except to say it has been useful for me and those I work with. Those who work with the Enneagram often like to say that the purpose of the Enneagram is not to put us in a box, but rather to help us understand the box we are in. Often, I'm tripped up by the things I don't understand about myself. As I grow in self-understanding this opens up new dimensions in relationships with both people and God, and frees me to more skillfully use my gifts and pursue the things I care about. Only Jesus fully knows me, and can form me to be the person he envisions, both fully who I am, and in his image. The Enneagram has been one way among many he has used in this process. Stabile's work is a great introduction to this way, this tool.
The Path Between Us Study Guide is a companion guide for both individuals and groups who want to pursue this material further. The six studies are titled:
1. The Best Part of You Is the Worst Part of You
2. What We Want
3. What We Fear
4. What We Offer
5. Keeping Each Other Forgiven and Free
6. Ways to Help Ourselves and Others
There is a section for those facilitating group discussions with a plan for each session. I have not used this guide so I cannot evaluate it. It appears that it can be used independently of reading the book, though I'm sure the book content will enrich discussions and insights.
The author has also recorded eight short YouTube clips accessible via the publisher's website or through this link. I have to confess that the author photo gave me the impression of a stern school principal, an impression immediately dispelled in listening to her on the videos!
Stabile's book and accompanying guide are the best resources I've seen for extending the framework of the Enneagram to our relationships and giving practical insights for relationships between the different numbers. As she has written, we all probably have much room to "grow in our ability to accept, love, and walk beside one another on the path with loads of compassion and respect." In her work, we have a wise and gracious guide for the journey.
____________________________
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary review copy of this book from the publisher in exchange for an honest review. The opinions I have expressed are my own.
In The Road Back to You, (review) Suzanne Stabile and her co-author Ian Cron give one of the most accessible explanations of the Enneagram that I have read. In this sequel, Suzanne Stabile builds on the insights of how each of the nine "numbers" on the Enneagram views and engages with the world uniquely and how this shapes the ways we build and maintain relationships with others, both those who share our "number" and those who differ (Enneagram types are summarized by the number for that type).
She begins by reviewing briefly the different numbers, the different Triads (Gut - 8, 9, 1; Heart - 2, 3, 4; Head - 5, 6, 7), the Wings (adjacent numbers to ours), and our Stress and Security numbers (those whose qualities we may draw on when we are under stress or feeling secure) and the three Stances (Aggressive - 3, 7, 8; Dependent - 1, 2, 6; and Withdrawing - 4, 5, 9). These are elaborated much more fully in The Road Back to You but also covered in the context of relationships in the following chapters.
Before discussing relationships for each number, Stabile offers very helpful advice for those concerned about the misuse of the Enneagram:
"First, please don't use your Enneagram number as an excuse for your behavior. Second, don't use what you've learned about the other numbers to make fun of, criticize, or stereotype, or in any way disrespect them. Ever. Third, it would be great if you would spend your energy observing and working on yourself as opposed to observing and working on others. And going forward, I hope you will share my desire that we all grow in our ability to accept, love, and walk beside one another on the path with loads of compassion and respect" (p. 13).
The next nine chapters are devoted to looking at each number beginning with Eights (the Gut Triad). Each chapter begins with a story of an interaction involving a person with the number being considered. This is followed by a description of the world of this number, how they respond in relationships under stress and security, and the path together with this number. A sidebar in each chapter considers relationships between this number and each of the other numbers, including those sharing the same number. The chapter concludes with two summaries, one focused on key things a person with this number need to remember that they can, and can't do in relationships and what they need to accept; and one focused on what others need to keep in mind in their relationships with a person with this number.
I found this book extremely helpful both for self-understanding, and understanding the ways I relate with others. In my case, I'm a five. I value competence that comes through knowing, independence, privacy, and guarding my energies. I listen and observe well, but I'm not always good at communicating my feelings. Instead, I will tell you what I think. I learned that I'm not always good at picking up innuendo or indirect communication (true). Being laid up for a couple of months at the end of 2016 told me how hard it is for me to let others care for me, and the truth that the best way to live is neither dependent nor independent, but interdependent. Stabile's title for my number really fit: "My Fences Have Gates."
One critique I would offer of this book is that it assumes that a person knows their Enneagram number and doesn't give much direction to the person who does not. There is a resource advertised at the end of the book on knowing your number but little guidance given about how one may go about discerning this. Stabile has been trained by Fr. Richard Rohr, whose approach is that one discerns one's number as one reads the different types and finds one that makes you uncomfortably squeamish, saying "how did you know that about me?" That one is probably yours.
I know there are some who are critical of the Enneagram. I won't try to defend this tool, except to say it has been useful for me and those I work with. Those who work with the Enneagram often like to say that the purpose of the Enneagram is not to put us in a box, but rather to help us understand the box we are in. Often, I'm tripped up by the things I don't understand about myself. As I grow in self-understanding this opens up new dimensions in relationships with both people and God, and frees me to more skillfully use my gifts and pursue the things I care about. Only Jesus fully knows me, and can form me to be the person he envisions, both fully who I am, and in his image. The Enneagram has been one way among many he has used in this process. Stabile's work is a great introduction to this way, this tool.
The Path Between Us Study Guide is a companion guide for both individuals and groups who want to pursue this material further. The six studies are titled:
1. The Best Part of You Is the Worst Part of You
2. What We Want
3. What We Fear
4. What We Offer
5. Keeping Each Other Forgiven and Free
6. Ways to Help Ourselves and Others
There is a section for those facilitating group discussions with a plan for each session. I have not used this guide so I cannot evaluate it. It appears that it can be used independently of reading the book, though I'm sure the book content will enrich discussions and insights.
The author has also recorded eight short YouTube clips accessible via the publisher's website or through this link. I have to confess that the author photo gave me the impression of a stern school principal, an impression immediately dispelled in listening to her on the videos!
Stabile's book and accompanying guide are the best resources I've seen for extending the framework of the Enneagram to our relationships and giving practical insights for relationships between the different numbers. As she has written, we all probably have much room to "grow in our ability to accept, love, and walk beside one another on the path with loads of compassion and respect." In her work, we have a wise and gracious guide for the journey.
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Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary review copy of this book from the publisher in exchange for an honest review. The opinions I have expressed are my own.
February 29, 2020
So, it was good. Helpful to understanding the people around me and why the do the things they do.
But, it also went very deep. As in this book went straight to the root of behavior, much deeper than what you would actually see in people so it wasn’t super practical or applicable.
After every chapter I was like “ok now I know why so-and-so does this....but how does this play out in what I see in them?” Does that make sense?
Also I would’ve liked to see more information on specific relationships, like between a 7 and 3 or a 5 and an 8.
Last thing: it was all very feelings based. Like every type has deep untapped emotion, or are just overflowing with feelings.........but that’s not how we see others and half the time that’s not even true.
Anyway, very good and helpful if you want to get to the deepest roots of people’s behavior.
But, it also went very deep. As in this book went straight to the root of behavior, much deeper than what you would actually see in people so it wasn’t super practical or applicable.
After every chapter I was like “ok now I know why so-and-so does this....but how does this play out in what I see in them?” Does that make sense?
Also I would’ve liked to see more information on specific relationships, like between a 7 and 3 or a 5 and an 8.
Last thing: it was all very feelings based. Like every type has deep untapped emotion, or are just overflowing with feelings.........but that’s not how we see others and half the time that’s not even true.
Anyway, very good and helpful if you want to get to the deepest roots of people’s behavior.
February 12, 2019
Great in depth book about personalities. It's a good follow up and gets deeper than her first book. I made my husband listen to several chapters on our recent road trip. I love learning more about this topic and applying this tool in all my relationships. It's a good mix of personal stories and academic content. Not a book for beginners though. It makes me want to dive in deeper. Isn't that a good mark of a book?
September 23, 2019
The Enneagram is worthless unless you use it as it's intended--as a tool for seeing your own strengths and weakness and building your relationships with others. This book leads the reader in both of these aspects, focusing on interpersonal relationships. I found it very helpful in cultivating empathy in me for those who don't see the way I do, and I finished feeling that I better know how to relate to and love those around me. I highly recommend it as a follow-up to The Road Back to You.
August 17, 2023
I've read several Enneagram books at this point but this one surprised me because I felt like Stabile touched on aspects and elements of each number that I was able to hear in new ways. It's nice to learn more about each type but also to see descriptions of how each and every one interacts with all other eight in both healthy and less than ideal fashions.
November 13, 2018
I've been following the work of Suzanne Stabile and Ian Cron for a couple of years now. I've read The Road Back to You, and I was an avid listener of their podcast by the same name. I've continued to follow Ian's podcast, Typology, but I've kind of lost touch with Suzanne.
Until this book.
Suzanne Stabile has a way of understanding relationship dynamics better than the vast majority of people. This book, The Path Between Us, is going to be a helpful reference guide for years to come. The Enneagram is abundant in wisdom not just for discovering more about ourselves but understanding who we are in relation to other people. Why is it hard for Sevens and Fours to experience lasting, fruitful relationships? Why do Fives and Ones butt heads all the time? How can Threes seem so outgoing but be so inwardly lonely?
This is not a book for Enneagram novices. This is not the first book you should read on the subject. But if you've read The Road Back to You and have put in some Enneagram work in your own life, this is a great book to take you to the next level.
And if you're having trouble finding your own particular number, this can help narrow it down for you by revealing how the different types interact with each other. If you're stuck between two or three numbers, Suzanne's relational insights can help reveal what's really going on so you can be more confident in knowing your type and knowing what to do next.
S0 many people can benefit from this book - managers, pastors, parents, spouses. Basically, if you deal with or interact with people on a regular basis, this book is for you.
Until this book.
Suzanne Stabile has a way of understanding relationship dynamics better than the vast majority of people. This book, The Path Between Us, is going to be a helpful reference guide for years to come. The Enneagram is abundant in wisdom not just for discovering more about ourselves but understanding who we are in relation to other people. Why is it hard for Sevens and Fours to experience lasting, fruitful relationships? Why do Fives and Ones butt heads all the time? How can Threes seem so outgoing but be so inwardly lonely?
This is not a book for Enneagram novices. This is not the first book you should read on the subject. But if you've read The Road Back to You and have put in some Enneagram work in your own life, this is a great book to take you to the next level.
And if you're having trouble finding your own particular number, this can help narrow it down for you by revealing how the different types interact with each other. If you're stuck between two or three numbers, Suzanne's relational insights can help reveal what's really going on so you can be more confident in knowing your type and knowing what to do next.
S0 many people can benefit from this book - managers, pastors, parents, spouses. Basically, if you deal with or interact with people on a regular basis, this book is for you.
August 11, 2019
3.75 stars.
I felt I better understood the enneagram after reading this one, and found it more detailed in a way I could relate it to daily life. Also, my number made more sense to me with her explanations than I got in the Millenneagram book I recently read. I’ll definitely be reading up a bit more on the subject!
I felt I better understood the enneagram after reading this one, and found it more detailed in a way I could relate it to daily life. Also, my number made more sense to me with her explanations than I got in the Millenneagram book I recently read. I’ll definitely be reading up a bit more on the subject!
July 28, 2020
The type of book that is just so full of words of wisdom that I’ll likely pick it up and reread in book form in the near future. I love learning about personality types and have fallen back in love with learning about the enneagram.
October 16, 2024
short and sweet and easy to read! super interesting and made me want to analyze all my relationships and make sure i know everyone's enneagram number! helpful and tangible and taught me new things about myself!
July 7, 2020
Har lyssnat på Suzanne Stabiles podcast, så det var extra roligt att höra henne själv läsa upp sin bok. En jättebra, koncis bok om relationer inom enneagrammet. Det gynnar en att ha lite förförståelse för enneagrammet innan man läser den här boken.
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