Grieving Together: A Couple's Journey Through Miscarriage

by Laura Kelly Fanucci, Franco David Fanucci

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, saves those whose spirit is crushed." (Ps 34:19)

You might feel, in the days and weeks after a miscarriage, like the Lord is anything but close.

Laura and Franco Fanucci understand. After struggling with infertility, they miscarried their third child in the first trimester. Later, their twin daughters were born prematurely and lived only a few days. Laura and Franco are here to tell you that, while your miscarriage is a deeply personal loss, you are not alone. Grieving Together is written by a couple specifically for couples, understanding that both spouses have experienced a loss and grieve differently. Drawing from Catholic tradition and teaching, Laura and Franco gently guide you

The physical and emotional experiences of miscarriage -- including help in making the hardest decisions How couples respond to grief -- and how to support each other Turning to family, friends, and the Church -- finding help and support from loved ones and your Church community The future after miscarriage -- where to go from here as a couple Grieving Together is the book the Fanuccis had wished for after their miscarriage. Practical resources include Scripture, prayers, and official Catholic rites. It also speaks to the unique concerns of fathers, and includes many real-life stories from couples in many different circumstances.

"We are fellow travelers on the parents who have suffered significant losses yet have grown in our marriage because of the gifts of our children's lives." -- Laura and Franco Fanucci

Genres: Grief

192 pages, Paperback

Published October 29, 2018

About the author

Laura Kelly Fanucci is is an author, speaker, and founder of MotheringSpirit.com - an ecumenical gathering place on spirituality and parenting. Laura's work has been featured on the Hallow and Ritual apps, and she writes frequently for publications including OSV News and Give Us This Day.

Laura has authored seven books, including Everyday Sacrament: The Messy Grace of Parenting and Grieving Together: A Couple's Journey through Miscarriage. Her writing has been featured on NPR’s Morning Edition and On Being and in popular outlets including People Magazine and the Kelly Clarkson Show. She and her husband live in Minnesota with their children.

Reviews

[Mary Biegler · Rating 5 out of 5]

After going through my second miscarriage in 6 months I knew I needed to find help and healing right away. This book was recommended to me by a friend and I am so incredibly grateful to her, to the author of this book, and to all the people who shared their own stories of child loss throughout the book. I can’t really explain why, but it was so healing to simply read about experiences similar to mine, to know that my husband and I aren’t alone in our grief, to know that people have suffered even worse than us, and to know that they also experienced great joy after their suffering. It put words to everything I’ve been feeling and validated my emotions in a way I needed and hadn’t really felt before. The author is so good about devoting so much time to simply acknowledging the pain of child loss and miscarriage without trying to explain it or offer advice. This is what I found truly helpful. It gave me the space to feel my sorrow and fully grieve. Then, later on she does give advice and insight from personal experience as well as the wisdom of the church on how to heal, ways to honor and remember your baby, how to grieve with your spouse, and that there is hope for the future. The chapters on how mothers grieve versus fathers was particularly helpful for me, given how different my and my husband’s experiences have been both times. It gave me a window into his mind and what he might be feeling right now and is helping me to be more understanding of him and his method of grieving. This would be a great book to read together as a couple, but still great to read on your own. Overall, I simply can’t recommend this enough to anyone who has gone through miscarriage or child loss. I would even recommend this to someone who hasn’t experienced it because it also gives really good advice on how to support those who have, since most people are at a loss of what to do.

[Becca Brady · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very thorough treatment of miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant death that is like a self-help book for those facing child loss and going through the grieving process, or a handbook for those wanting to learn more about child loss and how to accompany those going through it. The title is deceptive because while the book includes experiences of mothers, fathers, and couples, and there are sections on dynamics of each mourner individually and as a couple, it’s not merely for couples— you don’t have to read it with your spouse (or even be married). Anyone interested would benefit from this book. It is from a specifically Catholic perspective, but as long as the reader knows that, one need not be Catholic...there’s a lot of information that transcends religion. And for those who are Catholic or non-Catholic Christians, the incorporation of faith is crucial and probably very helpful psychologically, to heal from the experience, and for the sake of growing in one’s faith through the experience.
As someone who works in the pro-life movement and pastoral ministry overseeing pregnancy help centers, I highly recommend the book as a way to learn more about what it means to be pro-life and how to walk with those experiencing loss. As a Catholic working for the Church, the theology is super important to get right, and it seems the authors are very well formed in the Truth— catechetically, scripturally, liturgically, and spiritually. AND they are super pastoral too— very affirming of the parents and their feelings, experiences, and wishes. Will highly recommend this book as a practical guide for anyone who works in ministry to better assist our brothers and sisters who carry this cross of child loss, as well as those who have personally experienced it.

[Kathryn Casey · Rating 5 out of 5]

It is easy to list the tasks or stages of grief, it is quite another thing to live them. In Grieving Together: A Couple’s Journey through Miscarriage, by Laura Kelly Fanucci and Franco David Fanucci, the grief surrounding miscarriage is explored from a spiritual and relational perspective. The authors examine that physical process, known causes of miscarriage and the types of miscarriage. I cannot recall seeing a theoretical spiritual resource decide to go ahead and hold all the information you might need in one place.
In the second section, relying heavily on stories rather than drawing lines on theoretical gender differences, the Fanuccis explore the different ways mothers and father process their grief and how these differences can lay a strain on the relationship in an already difficult time. In the third part, the authors offer insightful understanding to the cliches many, if not most, in grief will hear, and presents some better and more on point alternatives to those cliches.
The authors are Catholic and offer Catholic resources and guidance on the Catholic Church’s teaching regarding infant death before baptism, burial and funeral rites. Though a collection of prayers to examples of the saints to rituals and rites you can request of your priest, the Fanuccis consider ways to memorialize the life of the infant the parents never had a chance to meet and encouragement for those seasons following the tragic event.
The entire book is written with amazing clarity, empathy and support. It is a remarkable little book.

[Natalie Bertagne · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a beautiful resource that has so many things that I have needed throughout our miscarriages, grief, and ongoing healing. It has practical advice about the miscarriage process, burial and funeral rite options, avoiding difficult or painful situations, etc. It has prayers, saint stories, and scripture. It has wisdom from the authors about their faith and grieving process as well as stories from a dozen or more other couples about their losses. It speaks to a wide variety of experiences but is a bit more directed towards early losses in my opinion. It is immensly invalidating of early losses and the Church's teaching on these eternal souls in heaven. This would make a thoughtful gift to anyone who has experienced a loss, whether recently or years ago.

If I might offer advice to the reader, it would be to not feel like you have to read everything in order or at all. There have been times in our journey that reading stories of other's losses was comforting and other times when it was just multiplying my pain or frustration. This is a good book to revisit and focus on exactly what you need at the moment.

[Hillarywalker27 · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have never experienced a miscarriage but I know a few friends/family members who have. I saw an article about this book and decided to buy it to give to people I know who have experienced miscarriage. Since it was short, I read it myself before gifting it and I thought it was excellent. It covers a variety of topics related to miscarriage and helped to increase my understanding of what my friends/family members went through/are still grieving. I recommend this book both for those who have experienced miscarriage and for people who want to better understand their friends' experiences and how to support them. While definitely a Catholic book, I think most of the ideas and experiences discussed in it are applicable across Christianity and possibly even for non-Christians.

[Lee Thomas · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the book that I wish I’d had when I first experienced miscarriage six years ago. Written from a Catholic perspective, the authors discuss how grief impacts both mothers and fathers, in physical, emotional and spiritual ways. They also include ways that spouses can support one another and grow together, rather than apart, in their grief.

This is also an excellent resource for family and friends of those who experience infertility/miscarriage/infant loss and priests who minister to couples and families.

[Dana Szigeti · Rating 5 out of 5]

The book was recommended to me by our NFP teacher after our miscarriage, and I’m so thankful. My favorite part of this book is the inclusion of a variety of stories with an emphasis on experiences of infertility, including if a living baby does not happen for couples who have experienced loss. I found the Bible passages and testimonies hopeful and a source of comfort. I also loved the attention placed on strengthening marriages after loss.

[Sarah Winslow · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read a borrowed copy and will be getting our own as a reference. Some parts were more helpful at this point in our journey, and I'm sure others will be later on.

[Grace · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of the most helpful things I have ever read. Everyone Catholic, whether they suffered a miscarriage or not, needs to read this to learn how to handle the topic better.
I constantly go back and re read sections and prayers.