For readers of Being Mortal and When Breath Becomes Air, the acclaimed co-founder of Death over Dinner offers a practical, inspiring guide to life's most difficult yet important conversation
Of the many critical conversations we will all have throughout our lifetime, few are as important as the ones discussing death--and not just the practical considerations, such as DNRs and wills, but what we fear, what we hope, and how we want to be remembered. Yet few of these conversations are actually happening. Inspired by his experience with his own father and countless other stories from others who regret not having these conversations, Michael Hebb cofounded Death Over Dinner--an organization that encourages people to pull up a chair, break bread, and really talk about the one thing we all have in common. Death Over Dinner has been one of the most effective end-of-life awareness campaigns to date; in just three years, it has provided the framework and inspiration for more than a hundred thousand dinners focused on having these end-of-life conversations. As Arianna Huffington said, "We are such a fast-food culture, I love the idea of making the dinner last for hours. These are the conversations that will help us to evolve."
Let's Talk About Death (over Dinner) offers keen practical advice on how to have these same conversations--not just at the dinner table, but anywhere. There's no one right way to talk about death, but Hebb shares time- and dinner- tested prompts to use as conversation starters, ranging from the spiritual to the practical, from analytical to downright funny and surprising. By transforming the most difficult conversations into an opportunity, they become celebratory and meaningful--ways that not only can change the way we die, but the way we live.
I had a look at this in connection with my interest in Death Cafés, etc. Like With the End in Mind, it includes lots of prompts for having meaningful conversations about practical and emotional preparations for death. I was most interested in the brief section on Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s last years: ironically, this guru of the good death did not approach her own death with equanimity. She’d started a hospice for AIDS orphans and disgruntled rural Virginia locals burned it down and killed her pet llama – overall, a traumatic sequence of events that precipitated her stroke, and thus the long, slow decline that led to her death nine years later. Basically, Hebb’s point is that death (like childbirth) pretty much never goes how we think or hope it will and we have to be ready to adjust our plans at the last minute and accept that things may play out differently. I also enjoyed his segments on prisoners’ last meals and the mock-funeral his friends threw him for his 40th birthday (so he could be present and hear what they would all say about him).
[The second book I’ve seen recently where the bibliography is in alphabetical order BY BOOK TITLE! This will not do!]
This is by far the most important book I’ve read this year so far, and I’ve read a lot of books! Death is something that, as I get older, I get more and more curious about. However, not many people like to talk about it or even think about it, so I found this book encouraging and supportive in many ways. I’m going to use it first to begin discussing this crucial topic with my husband, and then I think I’m going to find a group of however, not many people like to talk about it or even think about it, so I found this book encouraging and supportive in many ways. I’m going to use it first to begin discussing this crucial topic with my husband, and then I think I’m going to find a group of women Kindred Spirits to share this with.
With thanks to NetGalley, the author, and the publisher for an advanced reading copy of this book exchange for my honest review.
Przeczytałam prawie połowę tej książki i strasznie mi się nie chce czytać dalej. To poradnik niestety. I to taki, którego treść można streścić jednym zdaniem: zanim umrzemy, powinniśmy porozmawiać z bliskimi o śmierci.
A primer for those wanting to make death-awareness a bigger part of their lives. I was hoping for a deeper dive into the subject -- more detailed advice for making death-awareness part of my daily life -- but I think this would be a good read for someone just starting out on this journey.
Author Hebb is asking a simple thing of us: to talk about death. Specifically, our own deaths. For the vast majority of us, that’s not actually a simple thing. It’s natural for humans to shy away from talking about- even thinking about- our own deaths. And yet it’s the one sure thing about our lives. And yet we ignore it, like the proverbial elephant in the room, until it is suddenly too late to make our plans, to tell people what we want for final arrangements, to decide whether to go with hospice or to fight until the end, to tell people we love them or we’re sorry.
Hebb goes around hosting dinner parties where death is the subject. He uses such prompts as “What would you want people to say about you at your funeral?”, “What do you want your legacy to be?” and “Do you have a will and advance directive in place?”
If you don’t think about these things, and deal with them while you are well, you may very well lose control over them. Do you want to be kept alive at all costs, even if it means being hooked up to machines, unable to communicate or move? How do you want your assets to be divided? If you don’t deal with that, the courts will.
This book will help guide you through talking about these things. You will have to really think about how you think about death, and what you want. I am a hospice volunteer, and I highly recommend it.
Jeśli miałabym wskazać podium najważniejszych książek przeczytanych w życiu, byłaby na niej z pewnością ta. Temat śmierci musiałam bowiem oswoić sobie bardzo szybko - Michał (mój narzeczony i partner biznesowy w jednym) zmarł tragicznie w wypadku szybowcowym 30 sierpnia 2017 roku. Moje życie przewróciło się wtedy do góry nogami... Odebrałam wówczas od życia długą lekcję obcowania z tematem śmierci najbliższej osoby. Ta książka pomaga w jeszcze czymś innym: pozwala się oswoić z WŁASNĄ śmiercią. Zdecydować o ważnych rzeczach związanych z własnym pogrzebem. I zachęca do otwartego rozmawiania o śmierci (czego jestem wielką fanką).
I received a free ARC of this book from NetGalley.
This is one of the most important books you can ever read. Talking about death makes living more important. Being human means to have death as part of that cycle so why is it such a hushed up topic? To talk about it is to bring some control into the situation.
This is not a book to rush through. It is a book to take a bit at a time to let it wash over you and savor.
I generally like to read about death as part of life - having had so many deaths in my family from a young age, I’m surprised I’m still finding it hard to talk about it. Having read this book, however, all I want to do is discuss death over dinner with my loved ones. Unfortunately, the feeling isn’t mutual... still a great taboo among friends and family, but I’m working on it.
The idea was great, the way it's written was not. It might be that Michael Hebb is a good speaker, but writing books is not his best skill. There were a lot of inconsistencies and the structure of the book is not user-friendly at all, rather chaotic. I agree on many things Hebb says in this book and the list of questions about death can be handy too, but that's about it. There are definitely better books on this topic to read if you're interested in reading about death, dying and all that jazz.
Sinänsä mielenkiintoinen ja aiheellinen teos, mutta ehkä loppujen lopuksi aika vähän ajatuksia herättävä. Tokihan tästä silti pidin, hyvät lukukohtaiset teemat ja kommenttipuheenvuorot. Ehkä tämä vaatisi lukupiiriä (tai illallista) kylkeen jotta teemoista voisi jutella muidenkin kanssa, niin se tuntuisi arvokkaammalta. Mutta oli tässä paljon hyvää, vaikka arviosta ehkä muuta voi lukea. Teema on hankala mutta hieman syyttä, pidin tavasta jolla kuolemasta keskusteltiin ja tuotiin se näkyväksi.
The idea is to have dinner parties and talk about death. There’s a discussion of why this is a good idea and examples of the kind of questions that could keep the conversation on track. Hebb uses a lot of examples from his own life and people he’s known or learned about to show different approaches and possibilities. I hope I can make the book club where they will talk about this.
Napisana z dużą wrażliwością i bardzo wartościowa pozycja, która daje do myślenia i odczarowuje tabu związane ze śmiercią. Szkoda, że nie jest o niej głośniej. Myślę, że dla wielu osób byłaby to dobra okazja do zastanowienia się nad wieloma kwestiami i do większego docenienia życia samego w sobie i osób ich otaczających.
This book thinks outside the box, and opened my mind to imaginative possibilities around death, rituals and conversations. The author is local and I recognized people and places mentioned, which somehow made it more accessible and attainable. Some day I want to host a death dinner.
This is a book I will refer back to as I increase my work with grief and bereavement. I enjoyed the many, many ways Hebb pulls in the various experts alongside every day people’s experiences. Beautifully and compassionately done!
it took me over 3 and a half years to finish this one cause grief sucks and i just kept crying. almost every page made me emotional but it was really therapeutic. leant a lot, loved it.
Let's Talk About Death (Over Dinner) by Michael Hebb 🌟: 5 / 5 📚: Practical advice about how to discuss death (and life!), both over dinner and anywhere else in the world. 💭: This is it: the new book I’m recommending about death to anyone who asks.
Filled with conversation starters, prompts, and stories about people who have contributed to their own Death Dinners in the past, Hebb compiles the ultimate guidebook to having a hard but important conversation with both strangers and loved ones with grace and ease. While it provides guidance, Let’s Talk About Death (Over Dinner) is never a preachy self-help book— instead it guides you through learning and self reflection and gives advice on how to bring this conversation to others.
This book is also one of the only guides that I’ve read about death that is fairly religiously diverse. While most books about death can be pretty clearly divided into religious or secular views, Hebb’s guide gives practical advice about how to approach both sides of this divide (based on how your dinner crowd leans) and how to consider your own views about death. Let’s Talk About Death (Over Dinner) is also one of the only books that I’ve read recently that even includes religious practices outside of the Judeo-Christian norms that are most commonly seen in the US by interviewing Death Dinner guests who are practicing Muslims, a voice rarely heard from in popular death-positive literature, alongside other religious practitioners.
Let’s Talk About Death (Over Dinner) addresses and spans different age groups and races, and touches on how conversation should be uniquely tailored to various groups that may come to the table to talk about death. This book is merely a starting point and inspirational guidebook that anyone can read, but serves as a great introduction to the work that Death Over Dinner (and the Roundglass family of initiatives) does as a whole.
Along with this book, there are more specific editions that build on Hebb’s body of work, including specific conversations for medical professionals and Jewish, Brazilian, and Australian editions that address different cultural and religious elements. Their guides allow you to choose the age ranges, relationships, and conversation topics to best guide the evening in a comfortable way for everyone involved. All of this information can be found for free at DeathOverDinner.org
I truly cannot recommend this book (and this program) enough. It’s so well paced and genuinely comfortable to read, no matter how interested in/scared of death you are. It meets readers where they are and acknowledges just how personal and diverse experiencing death is. If you’re looking for a short and meaningful read that is genuinely helpful (and not just “self-help”), I would recommend starting here.
Michael Hebb is a Seattle-based writer who hosts "Death Dinners". These dinners - which he describes in his book, "Let's Talk About Death Over Dinner" - get people together to discuss...death. Probably not their own impending deaths, as most participants are not actively dying, but the deaths of other, loved ones. The question can be asked, "why attend a dinner to discuss death? Aren't there more fun things to talk about.?" Sure there are, but none are more important than the ultimate journey in life.
I'm the kind of person who doesn't flinch at the term "died". As in, "he died". He didn't "pass", he "died". (I always want to ask what "he passed"? Freshman French? A gallstone?) I looked forward to reading Michael Hebb's book but found it a bit scattered. He addresses the many deaths we die and how our deaths affect others. And how we're affected by others' deaths. He looks at how deaths are handled in different cultures - I was particularly interested when he talked about the Jewish way of handling death and its aftermath , explaining the rituals I had participated in but never quite understood. He also talks about those two deaths we're all so fearful of discussing - those of children and those by suicide. He also looks at the last years of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, that great voice in the death-accepted movement.
As I wrote before, I thought the book was good but somewhat scattered. He jumps around from self-acceptance of death as the end of a long line of life to helping others in their own voyages. The "death dinner parties" he describes sound very interesting. I hope his movement continues to thrive as the true north of what we all face.
Michael Hebb is pretty sure of two things. That this book will change your life and that this book will piss you off. I'm on page 32 and the latter.
It's written like a blog post which constantly plugs his death over dinner groups.The books sections feel shallow and drowned out by his voice and point of view. Hebb goes as far to even tell you how you should be thinking and feeling about these stories or insights making him less of a narrator or facilitator, but more of a gatekeeper of death chat. It is heavy with cancer patient's experiences but their voices are not placed at the center, they are more like passing examples/talking points/ or opportunities for voyeurism in to "sad tragic inspirational stories" which are there to highlight his overall view.
These tropes about having cancer but being able bodied/feeling full of life and skipping if to your favourite restaurant/being inspirational are harmful and feel like grief tourism as opposed to real life lived experiences in variation or depth. Its strangely devoid of emotion. As a cancer patient I find this tone deaf on many levels. Feeling like you are going to die or being told your life span now has a time frame is overwhelming but at times mundane, isolating, and miserable, but I guess that doesn't make good reading?
I think using cancer patients in a book about death should be tread with caution. Not everyone is privileged enough for a plan or a good death but this book only features those who are.
If you want to learn and feel more about life, death and vunerability then read/follow Humans of New York instead.
I wanted to like this book and it had so much potential. However I found the attempt to cover too many topics ultimately resulted in a confused book without a clear contention despite serving much more as a soapbox for the authors views (on a myriad of topics) rather than an “Essential guide to life’s most important conversation”.
This was a painfully self indulgent book, the oratorial style often placed Hebb directly into other peoples’ situations and stories he recounts, positioning himself as an authority on how we should interpret and respond to the case study. At one point Hebb generously interrupts one of these anecdotes to “let [the reader] feel the wave of sensation that hit that room” as though we need permission and prompting for reflection.
The superficial retelling of different people’s experiences makes for an emotionally unrewarding experience and at times made me feel like a grief/death-voyeur bearing witness to peoples’ deeply personal experiences simply for entertainment as no real insight was gained.
With underdeveloped (or absent) conclusions which, when present, are pseudo-profound at best and completely irrelevant at worst, this book was ultimately a missed opportunity for me.
i took my time going through this book - some days were harder than others and i couldn’t bear revisiting the topic of death on said harder days. the first few pages had me bawling, whilst i skipped through the last 50+ pages (does this mean it helped?). while the death of a loved one is an isolating experience, it doesn’t have to be. it shouldn’t be. death is an necessary condition of living, an intractable fact of the human condition, built in from the moment of life, and it (eventually) happens to all of us. acknowledging this and coming to terms with death and all of its accompanying emotions (partly with the help of this book) has gifted me a laser sharp clarity on what matters, and what simply doesn’t. you’re forever changed and even if that means you now find it difficult to interact with ppl in the same way, this book helped me make peace with that, that it’s not just me, and that it’s ok - allow others to be where they are, and also allow yourself to hold space for the loss and your grief and be where you are 🤍
Michael Hebb writes a collection of small stories taken from his time hosting Death over Dinner series where people talk about...well...death. The book gave me similar vibes to the old Chicken Noodle Soup for the Soul books that I used to read at my cottage as a child. (I was an emotional 8 year old, what can I say?).
I, for some reason, am always intrigued by anything end of life. And like weddings, I question traditional routes and love to see people making these moments their own. This book discussed about Death with Dignity (watch https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPfe3...), DNR (do not resuscitate), the Kiwi Coffin Club (where a senior club members build and personalize their own coffins, spending only $200 compared to up to $5000 price tags), death doulas, etc etc.
Where I am currently at in my life, this book was very helpful. It's given me more guidance to options and ways to discuss these topics. I definitely plan on hosting one in the future.
Niesamowita książka. Nigdy wcześniej nie myślałem o śmierci tyle, ile podczas czytania tej pozycji. Zawartość mocno skłania do refleksji i tego, aby faktycznie zastanowić się nad różnymi aspektami dotyczącymi naszej śmiertelności, wyobrażeń i oczekiwań wobec tego dnia oraz tego co chcemy, aby się z nami stało już po wszystkim. Formuła organizowania kolacji podczas których rozmawia się o śmierci w gronie nieznajomych osób bardzo mnie zaintrygowała. Książka raczej do przeczytania na spokojnie, bez pośpiechu, aby wyłapać z niej to, co najważniejsze dla nas. Przede wszystkim to, że tematyka jest nieunikniona, dotyczy każdego z nas i może rzeczywiście warto przemyśleć, zaplanować i podjąć niektóre działania dużo wcześniej, niekoniecznie u schyłku swojego życia. Zdecydowanie polecam (aczkolwiek potrafi poruszyć pewne struny, które wprowadzają ponury nastrój).
I read many books about death and I particularly like ones that help get conversations started. Having dinners with the topic of death as a focal point is one way. But the book offers many reflective questions that can be answered any time with those we love. I love the way the author starts his meal with friends to talk about death. First each person acknowledges someone who has died-usually the first person who comes to mind. In a way, that brings them to the meal in an honoring way. Concluding the meal by expressing gratitude or something you appreciate about those present is a grounding way to bring everyone back to now and the living. For anyone who wants to think about or talk more about death, this book is a great place to begin.
A friend is worried about his parents and grandmother. He watched me go through my mother's death, an expected death that we discussed long before she died. His family, though, is in denial that his 94-year-old grandmother is anywhere near death. He wants to know everyone's wishes before it becomes an issue.
I'd heard about this book when I was researching my mother's death. However, my friend asked me to buy it so I did. Then I previewed the book for him. It made me cry. It soothed me. It made me realize I need to get more of my own paperwork in order.
We're going to host a family death dinner sometime soon. But not until after he finishes reading it.