When Darkness Seems My Closest Friend: Reflections On Life And Ministry With Depression

by Mark Meynell

When Mark Meynell spoke in a central London church, more than 1,500 hung on to his every word. What they couldn't have known was that their minister was terrified of being laid bare in public. Fear of shame and exposure is crippling, even if, as in Mark's case, the sufferer is innocent. And it's one of the most devastating elements of depression, although certainly not the only one. Mark invites us into the darkness of his cave. We relive significant moments from boarding school, Uganda, Berlin and London. We visit the Psalms, Job and The Pilgrim's Progress. If you're after neat conclusions and a fair-weather faith, this is not for you. This book serves up gritty reality and raw honesty, but also the heartfelt hope that the author's brokenness 'can somehow contribute to another person's integration' and 'inspire their clinging while beset by darkness or fog or blizzards'.

Genres: Christian, Theology, Nonfiction, Biography, Mental Health, Spirituality, Leadership

240 pages, Paperback

Published May 17, 2018

About the author

Mark Meynell is Director (Europe & Caribbean) for Langham Preaching (a programme of Langham Partnership). Prior to this, he was a part-time Whitehall Chaplain (for HM Treasury, HMRC & the Cabinet Office) and was for 9 years on the senior ministry team of All Souls Langham Place. He taught biblical studies at a small seminary in Kampala, Uganda between 2001-2005 after doing student ministry in Sheffield and Oxford churches.
He’s crazy about music (from Bach to Bono), art (from Raphael to Rothko), fiction (esp John le Carré & Graham Greene) and movies (from The Third Man to Grand Budapest Hotel). He has even allowed his son to convince him to join him as a Sheffield Wednesday supporter.

Reviews

[Naomi Klinefelter · Rating 5 out of 5]

A massive comfort and gift. If you are close to anyone who is walking through a mental affliction, namely depression, suicidal thoughts, or any dark burden, this is worth reading. Not as a means to cure, solve, or explain. But to better accompany and seek to understand. For me, it was like sitting down with a friend and hearing, “Me too.”

[Alex · Rating 5 out of 5]

A really wonderful book.

[Nyameye Otoo · Rating 5 out of 5]

An absolutely incredible book: a powerful, raw, open and honest personal walk through the reality of mental health struggles. Mark Maynell discusses these things in such a way that he never lets it become his identity defining characteristic, but also doesn't shy away from its affect on huge parts of Life and Faith.

This is definitely a book I'll continue to come back to again and again. And I would massively recommend this book to anyone whether you suffer from depression or not - it will be invaluable in understanding those around you (and there will be those around you) who do.

The book doesn't present itself as "about a great cure, still less a wonderful deliverance. Although I do believe that will come [...] This is written while still on a journey"(xix) but it certainly does "provide the sense of friendship". And that in my opinion, doesn't make this work any less special or powerful.

I can't quite find the correct words to describe how incredible this work is but, suffice to say, I really would recommend this to anyone - full stop. And anyone wanting to understand more about this topic or who's struggling through it themselves. In my (very, very limited) reading around this area, I've struggled to find this captured and communicated in a way outside of more creative, artistic works - but here Maynell works it powerfully into his own life story communicated through his excellent writing style.

Another massive positive is the book provides and points to plenty of resources afterward for those who might be travelling the same journey.

[Ashleigh · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve found this book to be really helpful and encouraging in many different ways. Special mention and moment of gratitude to Dan W for giving it to me and telling me to read it

[Tim Siepman · Rating 5 out of 5]

A Christian Brother's Depression

A book like none other that I've read on any mental illness. Mark has an ability to write about such a hard and taboo topic that makes the reader feel comfortable and at ease. By no means an emotionally easy read but one which could be re-read time and again. One the most encouraging attributes of this book is that Mark comes alongside you as a reader, he does not prescribe the solution but merely provides a measured, Christian and rational word - which is so often missing in the Christian space.

[Melanie Mead · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book profoundly helpful at a time when I have been walking through my own dark valley (I'm not sure if depression is the official word for me personally, but I related to so much of the author's descriptions of his own experiences. I also found it gave me words for some of things that have been going through my head and heart.) The book is full of vulnerability from the author and biblical hope. I don't feel like my review can do it justice . . . highly recommend it for anyone struggling in emotional or spiritual darkness or those who love someone who is in that place.

[Aneurin Britton · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book. It's raw, emotive, tough, gritty. It longs and sings for eternal rest.

In amongst the difficulty of this book, there was a constant nagging that the church needs to drop the facade of our 'I'm sorted' mask. We aren't what this book is, we aren't real with each other. We aren't always helping, we are often hindering.

[Sophie Hudson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Never read a better book on this subject.

[Adam Thomas · Rating 5 out of 5]

A remarkable resource for anyone wanting to understand and support those with depression. Meynell is not in the business of offering quick fixes, superficial analysis or trite cliches. Rather, he seeks to offer an honest and thoughtful description of his own experiences of depression in the hope that they resonate with others and give a valuable insight to those who struggle to grasp what depression is like.

The book is in two main sections, with a selection of helpful appendices at the end. Part one is Meynell's attempt to describe what depression (or whatever term you find helpful) can be like. Noting that every experience is unique, he uses a serious of metaphors to express the difficult-to-describe. The volcano of "dormant havoc"... the cave of isolation... the weight of guilt (real or phantom)... the invisibility cloak for shame. He intersperses personal reflections with biblical reflections: such experiences are not new, and God has spoken words of encouragement and help.

Part two is Meynell's attempt to describe a way forward, and he has much wisdom for those who want to be good friends to those with depression. Again, he is clear that every experience is unique and his aim is not to offer a checklist, but rather helpful pointers. He discusses the need to manage expectations, building on the description of Christianity as "The Way," where we're all on a journey, travelling at our own pace, but knowing others have gone before - even Jesus himself. He also discusses the need for fellow travellers, both those inside and outside "the cave," who can serve as "reality touchstones" when depression clouds what is real. He closes with some thoughts on how, in the hands of God, depression can be a gift, both for ourselves and others.

There are all kinds of people who would benefit from this book, but from my own experience of reading I would especially commend it to those in church leadership or those with family members who experience depression.

[Cathy R Morgan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is not an easy or comfortable book, because it's not dealing with an easy or comfortable topic, but the subject is dealt with clearly, sensitively and in a way that kept me reading, despite the fact that I rarely read non-fiction. I was interested in this book because a close friend is suffering from depression, and I hoped to gain a bit more understanding of what they are going through. While I realise (and the book emphasises) that each individual's experience is different, and no one can really understand what another is dealing with (especially if one has never suffered from depression oneself), I found the book not only highly readable but helpful in dealing with others suffering mental health issues.

A range of topics are covered, relating to causes, effects, ways to help, and strategies for both a depressed person and those around them. The book is obviously written from a Christian viewpoint, and honestly looks at reasons why it can be hard to maintain one's faith while depressed, and things one can do to help keep that faith alive at the very time when it can be most needed. While this book may not help everyone, I would still recommend it to all who are in contact with anyone suffering from depression, and to sufferers as well.

Note that I received a free copy of the book from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review. I was not required to write a positive review and this is my considered opinion of the book.

[Ben Moore · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is phenomenal. Reading it, I so often found myself reading something Mark wrote and thinking 'Yes! Yes! At last somebody has said it!'.

Full disclosure, I'm a christian who has struggled with depression for years, been through therapy, and been suicidal at times. I have found a lot of christian responses deeply dissatisfying and insensitive. This book is radically different. It is the most honest and brutal account of depression I have ever read from a christian. It doesn't avoid topics just because 'christians aren't supposed to think about that/talk about that/feel that way).

A wide range of myths and christian folklore around depression are dispelled in this book. Easy answers are dismissed as, at best, unhelpful, and the truth is really grappled with. It's not an easy or comfortable read, but it is so, so worth it. If I had my way, every church leader, in any capacity, would study this book. In fact, I usually avoid such overblown statements but, everyone should read this if they truly want to understand something about the struggle of the depressed christian (or the depressed anyone really).

A truly brilliant book.

[Rosie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an excellent book written by a friend. Mark Meynell has given an in-depth description and analysis of his own experience of depression, and of his own journey to understand what he was going through. He gives insights as to to what has helped him (as well as what hasn't); he includes reflections on faith and depression, and on the specific issues around being a pastor whilst battling this illness. The phrase of the title comes from Psalm 88, words of a suffering King David: finding his struggle so aptly described here and in other places in the Bible helped the author hold onto faith in the God of the Bible even against the odds.
I would recommend this book to anyone facing mental health issues themselves, or walking with someone who is. It is full of raw truths and wisdom, and is highly readable.

[Rebecca Reynolds · Rating 5 out of 5]

So honest. So beautiful. Meynell has the courage to write openly about human struggle, yet he also writes with theological strength. I can think of so many who would benefit from this book..

[Ben Potloff · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a pastor who has struggled with anxiety/depression I found this book to be very encouraging and helpful. I've read other books on the topic but this book set it self apart, in my mind, because it is written by a pastor for pastors. Struggling with mental health issues while in vocational ministry causes unique challenges. Mark did not write as if he had all the answers or that there was a quick fix to these struggles (in fact he was adamant that there is no quick fix). Instead he wrote humbly, honestly, and gently, sharing his experience and what he has learned while offering encouragement along the way. Mark is a great writer and his metaphors (the cave, brain blizzards, etc.) were accurate and helpful. I recommend this book to all who struggle with psychological issues, and especially those in pastoral ministry!

[Brittany · Rating 5 out of 5]

I started this book with a little hesitation, not knowing what angle Meynell was going to approach the subject of depression or how far he would take things. But the further I got in the book the more helpful I found it. Through his humble, honest, vivid writing, Meynell has given the Christian community a valuable resource on the nature, impact, challenges, and opportunities of depression. I'm grateful to have read it!

[Thomas Creedy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ever since this book was announced or in genesis, I’ve been looking forward to reading it. Mark Meynell is a great pastor and author – whose recent book A Wilderness of Mirrors was one of my favourites last year. I’ve appreciated his careful analysis of culture, theology and bible – and also been grateful to him for being his honest self, even when that isn’t what Christian culture is comfortable with. This book, though, is far more personal. Mark has long been open about his struggles with mental health issues – particularly anxiety and depression. That, and a love of U2, is something I share with Mark, and so I was glad to read this book.

https://www.thomascreedy.co.uk/book-r...

[Cara Jones · Rating 5 out of 5]

I recently heard Mark preach at my local congregation and was hooked. This book is essential for anyone in the darkness of despair and for anyone close to those who are. It's excellent.

[John Rakshith Prabhakar · Rating 5 out of 5]

Simply remarkable! Meynell is an excellent writer and an equally excellent narrator. The book is self-revealing, imaginative, thought-provoking, and comforting all at the same time. A balm to the soul!

[Gavin McGrath · Rating 5 out of 5]

Outstanding: clear, compassionate, and compelling. One of the finest descriptions of the many facets of depression.

[Tanya Marlow · Rating 5 out of 5]

Watch out for this book on depression out 17th May 2018 – it has a CS Lewis feel about it and is brilliant. Meynell uses metaphor and some of his personal story to describe the experience of depression. It also offers intelligent theological and biblical reflection on how to navigate the experience, with a note of hope. This is the perfect book for depressed people to hand to loved ones and say, ‘This is what it’s like. This is what helps.”

Whenever I read a book on depression, I steel myself and ask, ‘Is it safe? Or will it clobber you halfway through with platitudes or condemnation?’ This was a relief to read: he writes what he knows, as he lives daily with the battle of depression, and he’s one of the best writers in the world writing on this. His chapter on suicide, reflecting on Paul, was a real highlight for me. It’s the kind of book you underline lots and quote to others. I was honoured to read an early version of this and it gave me goosebumps. It has all the makings of a classic – highly recommended.

[Ben Palpant · Rating 4 out of 5]

Especially helpful for anyone in ministry, but wonderful for all. His vulnerability encourages those of us who have likewise struggled with darkness.

[Tengxiang · Rating 5 out of 5]

A helpful book

Helps to know a bit about depression, even pastoral depression and some proper to dos. A theme of recurrence is that we don’t walk alone and shall not.

[Farah Samawi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Vulnerable, majestic, and everything good. The book left me speechless, yet still have so much to say an do. It has enliven me, and made me acknowledge new things. One of the best books I've ever read.

[Peter Butler · Rating 4 out of 5]

Mark Meynell’s When Darkness Seems My Closet Friend: Reflections on life and ministry with depression is a very good resource for ministers who suffer with depression.

Meynell tell his story of depression in ministry as a help for other ministers to learn to cope with and, even, arise through periods of depression and not be conquered by it. A major scriptural passage – from which the title of the book comes – is Psalm 88, written by the sons of Korah.

In the first chapter, Meynell explains the mask the minister often find himself needing to wear he ministers to his congregation (1ff). When someone is hurting or rejoicing, the pastor may need to mask his own depression to help the parishioner. Some parishioners would be turned away from coming to a pastor who is too open with his mental illness.

Chapter two focuses in depression bubbling up and how music – such as Psalm 88 can be a salve.

Meyer then talks about the cave ministers can find themselves in – setting themselves away from all others who can hurt to help. He talks about one of his favorite poets and hymnwriters, William Cowper, and his depression, and the need to find someone who can understand.

He continues, “The great weight of our sin makes us groan, and yet God’s high standards and our people’s expectations make us reluctant to acknowledge that weight” (51).

From this follows the problem of shame. “In contrast to guilt, which provokes a fear of the discovery of what I have done, shame generates a fear of the discovery of who I am” (75). Deliverance comes in finding God’s “extravagant love” in the cross over and over (90).

In the sixth chapter, he writes about thoughts of suicide and how the must be dealt with by addressing the health of the whole person – body, soul, mind, and spirit (104).

Next, he has an “interlude” featuring a poem by Andrew Peterson (113).

In the next chapter, he urges, “I live by faith, not sight” (140).

In the eighth chapter, he argues for the importance of having at least one other person that can be there when the pastor is descending into darkness, even if that person can do not more that be there.

In the final chapter, he shows how his depression and understanding it has made him a better pastor and how it can be a gift if handled rightly.

In the first appendix (186), he looks at different types of treatment that may be useful for the pastor going through depression.

In the second (193), he listed an extensive set of print and digital resources.

Finally, he includes some of his poetry regarding his struggles.

This is followed by chapter endnotes.

Meynell’s book is well worth the read for its honesty and for making it clear that if one is experiencing depression – or any type of mental illness, one ought not go it alone – seek help.

Meynell writes from his experience of sin and shame leading to depression, and here, in a sense, I find the book’s one weakness: it does not address depression caused by biochemical disease or accident. Of course, that is not what caused his depression, so one would to expect it. I only mention it to say that though his book is very good and certainly helpful, it does not cover everything, and the reader should be aware of that as one suffers and seek to help those who are suffering.

[This review appears on my blog, Amazon.com, and Goodreads.com.]

[Kara · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was hugely insightful for me on how someone suffering with depression feels, but also shines a light on how to involve myself when a family member or friend is walking this path. Practical and personal, Mark speaks to his own story, and I am thankful he was willing to “put himself out there”. In so many Christian circles, mental health is not being addressed, but it impacts so many in our society. We as a Christian body need to seek understanding, and keep an open path for each person to walk, learning how to best come alongside them. His descriptions of “the cave” and the “black dog” gave a very real representation of feelings for someone to better understand.

A few of my favorite quotes are:

1. “So on those worse days . . . ? I lack the energy to preach to, let alone hear, myself. It’s not laziness. It’s exhaustion from fighting the blizzard. For mental illness doesn’t simply make living the Christian life difficult; it makes living difficult.”

2. “If you know someone who’s depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather.

Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.”

And I loved these words Mark shared from a hymn by John Bode:

John E. Bode’s ‘O Jesus, I Have Promised’ (written in 1868):

O let me see thy footmarks,

and in them plant mine own;

My hope to follow duly

is in thy strength alone.

O guide me, call me, draw me,

uphold me to the end;

and then in heaven receive me,

my Saviour and my Friend.

So read this book if you suffer from depression, but especially read it anyway, as likely along your life journey, you will meet and befriend someone who is.

[Rob Bridgewater · Rating 5 out of 5]

(Pasting a review I wrote when I read the book in 2020) This was the best book I’ve read in 2020, and there have been some good ones. As Mark Meynell puts it towards the beginning, this is neither a “how-to-fix-depression-guide” nor is it a memoir of misery then breakthrough. Early on, he says “Above all, I needed friends, not fixers”. This, then is friendship in written form - Mark walks side by side with those suffering from depression, as well as those who watch helplessly as others are tormented by depression.

One reason it is good to read, is because it is so well written. Mark’s love for the arts - contemporary and classical - are never far from his mind or his pen. Just as he enjoys good writing, so he employs the same. It’s never a wooden book that focuses on information transfer.

On the matter of shame, Mark is full of insight. I can’t fail to note couple of pages (p91-92) where Mark contemplates the situation that Peter faces in the high priests courtyard. They are sublime. In Luke 22:61, the Lord’s eyes fall on Peter, his friend at the moment of his third denial. With a concise and delicate touch, Mark draws us through shame into grace, landing on a truth that I’ve have grasped so tightly this year: “Both the one who makes people holy and those who are made holy are of the same family. So Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers and sisters”.

At the end is a a catalogue, not so much of resources - although it is that - but a catalogue of grace. Which just about describes the book as a whole. Firmly recommended.

[AJW · Rating 4 out of 5]

Mark Meynell is a Christian pastor (church minister) writing about his experience of clinical depression. I am a Christian who has also suffered from clinical depression. I was gripped by this book and read it in one day.

The worldview one has, and the sub-culture one lives in, very much colours one’s experience of depression. So I found it helpful to read the experiences of someone who has a similar worldview to me. I’m not sure how helpful this book would be to someone who wasn’t a Christian.

A very helpful aspect of Mark Meynell’s book is that it’s a personal testimony. He makes it clear that those who have clinical depression (not “the blues” that everyone gets at times) are very different in how depression manifests itself in their individual lives. He articulates his experience of depression very well, but makes it clear that it’s only his version. I experienced depression differently from Mark, but there were commonalities between us. His hurt and frustrations with the glib comments that so many well-meaning Christians make was one thing we both shared. He also has a deep love for the Bible and refers to it constantly to try and make sense of his depression. I too share his love for the Scriptures and would pummel its pages looking for encouragement.

So I recommend this book to fellow Christians wrestling with the black dog.

[Cody Bumpus · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was an excellent book that takes a lot of the stigma out of depression. Depression isn’t something the just people with “difficult” lives deal with. It can afflict seemingly successful people with healthy lives and relationships.

It does an excellent job of putting understandable language around the despair and emotions of depression as well as explaining the unexplainable parts of it. While the topic of depression can feel like a vast expanse of the unknowable, this book does a good job of making it slightly more relatable and knowable.

Depression is a widespread issue that it feels like I just meet more and more people who do or who have dealt with it. After reading this book, it is much easier to understand and relate.

I highly recommend this book to all. If you are dealing with depression, read this book to not feel so alone. Also, read this book to be able to put language around your depression to help your loved ones understand. If a loved one is dealing with depression, read this book to help yourself understand and better relate to and help them.

[Ian Rees · Rating 5 out of 5]

A superb piece about depression from a sufferer. It was obviously hard for the author to open up about himself, but it produces a deep insight into the issues he has faced. One of these is that it is almost impossible to describe what he actually experiences - but what he gets across is very helpful. And another is that "depression" is hardly the right word, even though it is the one we have to go with. In the end, although there are no easy, trite answers, it is hope-filled, as he is approaching the whole matter from the perspective of faith in God.

Highly recommended.

[M.C. · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a helpful look into what it looks like to struggle with mental illness through the lens of the hope of eternity. I’d expected a bit more biblical application, but it ended up being mostly a relation of personal difficulties with biblical points occasionally discussed. It was still good, though, and it’s given me some insight in how to better be there for my friends who also deal with mental illness.