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Learning to Breathe: My Journey With Mental Illness
It begins slowly, so slowly that I hardly notice at first. My chest tightens and my heart begins to beat a fraction faster. I try to draw breath, but instead I choke on oxygen I can’t inhale. As I realise that I can’t breathe, the panic wraps itself around my mind.
I can’t make myself draw a breath.
Rachael was aged just six when she had her first suicidal thought. Over the next decade, life would become increasingly fraught with depression and self-harm, and her outlook only bleaker. Before her eighteenth birthday, Rachael would twice try to take her own life.
And yet amidst this darkness, a flicker of faith lived on.
This is Rachael’s story of her journey into, and out of, the darkness of depression. With unflinching realism and complete honesty, she shows us what it looks like to live with mental illness, and how God can find us and rescue us even in the most desperate of places.
I can’t make myself draw a breath.
Rachael was aged just six when she had her first suicidal thought. Over the next decade, life would become increasingly fraught with depression and self-harm, and her outlook only bleaker. Before her eighteenth birthday, Rachael would twice try to take her own life.
And yet amidst this darkness, a flicker of faith lived on.
This is Rachael’s story of her journey into, and out of, the darkness of depression. With unflinching realism and complete honesty, she shows us what it looks like to live with mental illness, and how God can find us and rescue us even in the most desperate of places.
160 pages, Paperback
Published August 16, 2018
1 person is currently reading
39 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews
August 20, 2020
Not many books move me to tears. But this one is a precious exception. Rachel writes with deep honesty about her experiences of severe clinical depression, and how she's found hope in very dark times.
It's a really helpful resource for the church, for thinking about compassionately encouraging those living with long-term mental illness. Rachel will show you what depression and self-harm can look like. And she'll help you think about being a good friend in the darkness.
My journey with depression has been very different at points, and yet I found much encouragement here for myself. I particularly valued Rachel's example of reflecting on her own story and seeing how the Lord was at work. She also reminded me of the good that can come from these dark times.
One caveat - if I read this earlier in my journey with depression, some of the passages may have been unhelpful triggers for suicidal ideation. The unflinching honesty is part of the preciousness of the book, and I value those passages now. But worth being aware of.
It's a really helpful resource for the church, for thinking about compassionately encouraging those living with long-term mental illness. Rachel will show you what depression and self-harm can look like. And she'll help you think about being a good friend in the darkness.
My journey with depression has been very different at points, and yet I found much encouragement here for myself. I particularly valued Rachel's example of reflecting on her own story and seeing how the Lord was at work. She also reminded me of the good that can come from these dark times.
One caveat - if I read this earlier in my journey with depression, some of the passages may have been unhelpful triggers for suicidal ideation. The unflinching honesty is part of the preciousness of the book, and I value those passages now. But worth being aware of.
January 15, 2023
This book was not a comfortable read. It was compelling in its honesty and I was able to relate to many situations, although I’m not sure I could be as honest as Rachael. This book is a gift.
October 15, 2018
rom the start I was drawn in to Rachael’s harrowing and, at times, heartbreaking story. From a young age, Rachael experienced a great burden of sadness on her, a sadness she didn’t understand or seem to see in others. By her teenage years, she was self-harming, unable to bear the burden of this depression her body forced on her, and by the time she was in her late teens she had twice attempted to take her own life.
Rachael weaved her story with beautiful prose and clarity, and as I read I wept for the girl who didn’t know why she simply felt so sad all the time. Many school days were spent in tears, and while her home and school were incredibly supportive, she couldn’t throw off the weight of the pain in her soul. She began to disassociate from people and situations, developing coping mechanisms in order to try and get through the day.
It’s not one of those triumphant stories of victory, all fixed up lives and nothing but light on the horizon. But it resonates with me so much more for that.
Read this book. It’s beautifully written, heartrending and positive at once. It will help you develop more understanding of what it feels like to live in a world tainted and weighed down with depression, and it will leave you with a sense of hope and life as you walk this journey with Rachael.
Rachael weaved her story with beautiful prose and clarity, and as I read I wept for the girl who didn’t know why she simply felt so sad all the time. Many school days were spent in tears, and while her home and school were incredibly supportive, she couldn’t throw off the weight of the pain in her soul. She began to disassociate from people and situations, developing coping mechanisms in order to try and get through the day.
It’s not one of those triumphant stories of victory, all fixed up lives and nothing but light on the horizon. But it resonates with me so much more for that.
Read this book. It’s beautifully written, heartrending and positive at once. It will help you develop more understanding of what it feels like to live in a world tainted and weighed down with depression, and it will leave you with a sense of hope and life as you walk this journey with Rachael.
July 13, 2019
Rachael Newham offers an utterly engrossing, well-written memoir of how it really feels to be a teenager and young adult battling severe mental illness, and the reality of the limitations of the NHS and children’s mental health services in the UK. There’s been a lot written about depression and faith recently – but few things written about depression so dark or severe it consumes you with thoughts of suicide.
The solutions she offers are woven into her story, but they centre on the love of Christ expressed in genuine friendship, without fear. The whole church should read this book – with rising mental illness especially among younger people this is a timely call for greater understanding, compassion and above all, hope for all suffering from depression. This is another vital book for the church.
(NB If you are feeling suicidal or have attempted suicide in the past then I would advise you talking through the book with a trusted friend as you read it, in case it’s triggering for you. It has frequent references to suicide, though it doesn’t glamourise or describe suicidal attempts in detail in the way that, for example, 13 Reasons does.) Important and compelling – highly recommended.
The solutions she offers are woven into her story, but they centre on the love of Christ expressed in genuine friendship, without fear. The whole church should read this book – with rising mental illness especially among younger people this is a timely call for greater understanding, compassion and above all, hope for all suffering from depression. This is another vital book for the church.
(NB If you are feeling suicidal or have attempted suicide in the past then I would advise you talking through the book with a trusted friend as you read it, in case it’s triggering for you. It has frequent references to suicide, though it doesn’t glamourise or describe suicidal attempts in detail in the way that, for example, 13 Reasons does.) Important and compelling – highly recommended.
February 13, 2022
An honest, raw account of struggling with life’s darkest experiences while still trusting in a faithful, steadfast, gracious and merciful Saviour. Brave and inspirational
February 2, 2023
This is a book about Rachael’s struggles with mental illness but it’s also a book about God and the way He enters into the darkest places of our lives. I loved her raw honesty in describing her experiences and how God met her in the midst.
March 12, 2023
Beautifully and honestly written
Such an honest, emotional and at times scary read. Praise God for providing people to walk beside, love on and help the author survive and eventually thrive.
Such an honest, emotional and at times scary read. Praise God for providing people to walk beside, love on and help the author survive and eventually thrive.
September 12, 2025
I really love this book and genuinely look forward to opening it each day. Personable, challenging, relatable and honest, it’s like a massage for the soul, from a writer who says ‘I’ve been there’ and a God who says ‘I’m with you’ on your journey with mental health.
April 23, 2022
Amazing book, such a powerful story. Something that's not often talked about and needs to be talked about more. Amazing to see how God's worked in her life.
August 6, 2025
I found this book very triggering as it focused a lot on descriptions of sh and this felt unessacary.
Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews